Nightwise

Saturday April 18th, 20:20 I've just watched (a good part of) the banned interview with David Icke on the London Real website. David icke is a so-called conspiracy theorist. I prior to the banning of the episode on youtube didn't feel so much for watching him, thought he was a bit too outlandish with his theories of 'reptilian controlled world domination' and such, but the banning of the episode on youtube got my interest to him. I didn't watch him yet, but then I also saw Leo locking threads here on actualized.org that were about David icke and his theories, and Leo (assuming it was actually him and he didn't get hacked or something) seemed to get pretty hard on tackling these conspiracy theories, also stating that he thought that conspiracy theories was nonsense. This surprised me a bit because I had always known Leo to be very open-minded and always willing to consider alternative viewpoints. This harsh tackling of these so-called conspiracy theories seemed almost "non-Leonian". This isn't really how I knew Leo to be. That's why I'm almost fearing that Leo's account may have gotten hacked, especially now after having watched that David Icke episode on London Real. I still think it's probably the actual Leo using that account, and that he's just human and still has some blindspots and kneejerk reactions to certain things. So I made a topic about how we even get to decide what is a conspiracy theory and what not. And just because something is called a conspiracy theory, does that mean it's automatically nonsense? I made a topic about that. Some of the arguments that I made was that for instance much of the content that Leo puts out is seen by the mainstream as very whacky and absurd, especially the mystical oneness stuff. I think many people may consider Leo to have many conspiracy theories. Another argument was that in the medieval times, if someone would have said that the authorities were using christianity as an excuse to dominate and repress people, that person would also have been called a conspiracy theorist, but now we know better. Then how do we know that the conspiracy theories that are circling around now may in the future actually turn out to be true? There is so much ignorance in the world today that in the future will become obvious was all delusion, but yet now we believe in it. Another argument that I made was the fact that the term "conspiracy theorist/theory" has become so loaded, and we have been conditioned to believe that it's automatically nonsense, that people often aren't even willing to consider any of the points that a so-called conspiracy theorist makes and they automaticaly dismiss him/her. Labeling someone as a conspiracy theorist is a very good strategy to rob someone of their credibility and their reputation, even if they may be making some very compelling points. There's a conditioned association with the term "conspiracy", which people are often very unaware of. So yeah, I watched part of the episode that was banned on youtube with the interview with David Icke, and I do think the guy makes some good arguments. And although his ideas may be unconventional, what he says and brings forth certainly is indeed possible and worthy of consideration. And that got me thinking even deeper about one of the fundemental questions of existence: What do I really know for certain? Can I really even know anything with absolute certainty? There are so many theories out there, so many possibilities. You may think you know how the world, or yourself, or existence as a whole works and operates one moment, and the next moment something comes along that makes you doubt all of that, and all of your hopes and beliefs that you had build up now seem insignificant and seriously questionable. Taking psychedelics in that sense is the ultimate mindf*ck, because it gets you to question your beliefs far more deeply than you otherwise would in your normal state of consciousness. And it certainly isn't always pleasant. It gets you confronted with some really frightening possibilities or realities. In the moment they even seem like realities. In hindsight it's really hard to say whether what you came to envision for yourself was true or not. On one hand you tend to think that: "I'm in a higher state of consciousness so what I'm seeing here must be true!". On the other hand I can also see how you can get identified with that thought and therefore it will make you believe as if what you're seeing is true, whilst it is also entirely possible that in that moment it isn't necessarily that you get a deeper and more profound insight downloaded from the beyond, but it could also be that you simply get confronted with your deepest fears and that is then what you are experiencing. Perhaps it's true that you become more conscious during such a trip, but that doesn't mean that what is being seen in that state of higher consciousness is the unquestionable, absolute truth. Ultimately, I really just don't know. Perhaps what you see there is an absolute truth, or perhaps it isn't and what you see is only a reflection of your own deepest fears or beliefs. It's not right for me to say I know what I saw was absolutely true, nor is it right for me to say that I know that what I saw was only a reflection of my deeper unconcious fears, or whether it was something in between or whatever. But during such a psychedelic trip I do know that you (or at least I) get crazy and whacky ideas that undermine the entire foundation of your reality, making you become really disoriented and afraid. Disorientation is the best word actually. You just become incredibly disoriented and you have no means of telling what's up or down, back or forth, left or right. Any idea that comes into your mind in such a moment could be true, and you have no idea where to find your bearing anymore. You basically have nothing to hold onto. And pretty much literally anything, any suggestions or thought, seems to be seriously possible and real at such a moment. It's kind of what I would imagine a state of psychosis to be like. But psychosis seems to imply as if something has gone wrong and you are 'below' the normal state. That's why I don't want to necessarily describe it as psychosis, because for all I know I would be 'above' normal, or perhaps both at the same time. But to be in a state of absolute not-knowing that goes so deeply that you have no bearing anymore whatsoever, is in some way the exact thing that spiritual seekers are looking for, and it is for many people the ultimate ideal of the enlightened state. To be in a complete state of not-knowing that goes to your very marrow and bones can either be incredibly terrifying, or it can be tremendously peaceful. The difference is whether you care or not that you have no orientation whatsoever. I for instance during this trip got the idea in my head that I was the only consciousness that existed, the only perspective, and that all other people are actually just a sort of robots. They don't have a consciousness or point of view like I do, they just seem to be. I am the only point of view or 'camera' in the entire universe that exists, and all other people just appear to be 'real' but aren't actually real but jsut appear to be over there having their own consciousness. And I am not even talking about that everything is one. No, I am saying that I would literally be the only one, and that everything around me is lifeless or "consciousnessless". That's was one of the ideas that I got in my head during the last trip, which really frightened me. One thing I took away from that trip was that I wanted to do the very best that I could to never again start believing that the opposite was the truth, that there were other people 'out there', even though I knew it would automatically happen again to some degree or another. I also hadn't said to myself that I would from now on always try to remember that "I am the only one that exists". I had also not said to myself that I would only believe that from now on. It's just that I wanted to say to myself to be very wary of the fact that I will encounter the reflex to assume that there are indeed other people out there with their own consciousness and point of view; just to be very aware that such an assumption, although unconsciously, will very quickly be made. And now I still have to stop myself from assuming anything at all. I need to remind myself that "This seriously has the potential to be true. I need to seriously stay conscious of the fact that it could ndeed be true", and not jsut say it so myself yet unconciously believe otherwise. And this attitude of taking everything into serious consideration that nothing I could ever assume has to ultimately be true, is something I really want to be practicing. I want to go to a state where I have questioned everything in reality so deeply, that no shift in perspective or reality will ever shock me or frighten me anymore. But to allow this to happen, I must be okay with being completely disoriented yet being totally relaxed in this state of absolute and total disorientation and not-knowing. This realization of that "I know nothing" must go to my very core, far and far beyond any intellectual agreement about the idea that you couldn't know anything for certain. And that will certainly not happen overnight.

First off, this in and of itself is not a conspiracy theory but a discussion about the very concept and ideas of it. Because of this, there is no logical reason for this post or my account to be subjugated to repercussion. I'm neither here nor there. I'm just arguing for the sake of going into the etymology and a meta-understanding about the entire subject. I have seen Leo going hard on these so-called conspiracy theories. Although I do like many of the views and perspectives Leo has, I do criticize him here though, as there is a certain irony here. See, conspiracy theorists are by default seen as people who have outlandish, absurd and crazy notions about reality. Just utter the word "conspiracy theorist" and you will not even take a second to consider the points that a conspiracy theorist makes, but you will already have automatically dismissed him because dismissing a conspiracy theorist as a madman is the default conditioned response. This is why painting someone as a conspiracy theorist is in and of itself a very powerful tool for letting someone lose his/her credibility, sometimes almost irregardless of the points and theories that were actually being made. But what do you think that the mainstream thinks about all the content and videos that Leo has posted over the years? Do you think that is seen as commonsensical and perfectly acceptable to the mainstream? Especially now that he's delved deeper into mysticism and oneness, many people think he's totally ludicrous. If someone in the medieval times would've claimed that the authorities were using christianity as a tool for repressing the masses, such a person would've certainly been painted as just a mad "conspiracy theorist" if they had the term in those times. Now we know better. But what happened to be the conspiracy theory back then happens to be the common understanding now. Then we can of course ask the question what the commonsensical understanding in the future will be that seems like a conspiracy theory now. Outlandish and extraordinary ideas should not automatically be dismissed, yet at the same time they should also not instantly be believed just because you would like to believe in farfetched and eccentric ideas about reality. They should neither be dismissed or believed; they should be discussed, investigated, be taken interest in, but with a healthy dose of skepticism. Don't believe them, just look into them. See if you can correlate what's being said with something of your own insight and experience, and then still don't necessarily believe, but just for the sake of interest you can take a look further into it. This is just about exploring different facets of reality, and it is my feeling that on this forum we should be allowed to do so. After all, you do realize that a lot that we talk about on this forum is already seen as very absurd, if not conspiratorial, by the mainstream population, right? Don't dismiss alternative ideas just because they have the label "conspiracy theory" to them. That's all I'm saying. But don't be naive either.

Wednesday April 8th, 22:34 lately I've been categorizing my youtube music playlist in subcategories playlistsof how much I like certain songs I am sorting it in 9 different categories: Category 1 to 5, but you also have category 1,5 and 2,5 and 3,5 and 4,5, so really 9 categories in total. Initially when I started this, I only wanted to do category 1 to 5, but I realized this simply had too little nuance, so I felt almost forced to make these additional intermediary categories for songs that fell right in between two of those categories. The intent of these 9 new playlists is to be able to listen to music or to choose certain songs without really having to skip over any others songs. I don't really have to waste energy now assessing how good these songs are or whether I should skip a song or not when I'm using my playlist, because now I know exactly what the bottom line is of how good I can expect the songs to be. And I should also note that I have made these new playlists with the idea that I use a sort of pyramid form. This means that a song that would end up in category 5 will also be in ALL other of the 9 playlists, but none of the songs/videos that have a maximum of category 4,5 or lower would be in the category 5 playlist. So basically it's a pyramid form. I right now (I'm far from done, though)have for instance 99 videos in category 3,5, 50 videos in category 4, 7 videos in category 4,5, and just 1 video in category 5. Considering that there are 99 videos in category 3,5 and 51 in category 4, this means there are 49 videos that end at category 3,5 (and 42 videos end in category 4, 7 videos end in category 4,5, and 1 video ends in category 5) You get the idea? Basically all videos in my default youtube music playlist will also be in category 1, although that'd be rather purposeless though as there would be 2 duplicate playlists basically, so I might delete category 1, or otherwise even delete the videos that end at category 1 and 1,5 to begin with, as I wouldn't really care for them anyway. So basically the main thing you want to look at videos is not in which playlist(s) they are, but at which playlist it ends, because a video that is of category 5 will also be in all the other playlists below it, just as 4,5 will also be in all playlists below it (but not in 5), and 4 will be also in the playlists below it (but not in 4,5 and 5), and so forth. I feel like I've just been overly verbose with explaining my system whilst it is probably actually very easy to understand and doesn't require that much explanation, haha. I tend to be that way, to be too verbose or lengthy, or explicit. So let me define or name the different categories: Category 1: "Meh". Video's/songs that end here I don't like Category 1,5: "Disappointing". These are slightly better than bad, yet they still disappoint and don't make me feel good. Category 2: "Neutral". These songs I don't feel really anything with. They don't make me feel very bad, but not really any good either. Category 2,5: "Doable". These songs are like: "I can't say I'm thrilled by listening to you, but you may bring some moments of slight enjoyment" Category 3: "Fairly alright". These songs are decent, and can be sometimes a bit fun to listen to, but they don't really tend to grip me. Category 3,5: "Good". This is the point where we can say that we really start to get enjoyment. These songs sometimes have elements to them that arouse my emotions adequately Category 4: "Very Good". These are songs I can really get a kick from. I love these songs and I often find myself singing them or moving to them. Category 4,5: "Fantastic/Amazing". These are masterpieces which can and have at times really heavily emotionally gripped me and left me inspired and amazed Category 5: "Phenomenal/Astounding" These are the masterpieces of the masterpieces. These songs have a sense of grandiosity and magic to them. This is where it music reaches the divine and transcendental dimensions of existence. These songs can just leave you stunned over and over again. I'm going to leave a link to category 3 and up to my youtube playlists for you readers if happen to be interested, and I'm also just going to share my general youtube playlist, and I'm also going to give commentary on the category 4,5 songs and category 5 song. Keep in mind, I'm not even at a quarter of the entire sorting process of the playlist. I must admit that I was very surprised that there were so many songs of category 3,5+ in just the first 134 songs of my entire music playlist that I went through. The majority is 3,5+. The songs that I still have to go through are also a bit more songs that I used to like when I was a bit younger, but my music taste has slightly changed over the course of time so I reckon in the upcoming songs that I still have to sort I generally expect a lower density of songs that are cat 3,5 and higher. I also expect that I will make a lot of adjustments where some video's will end at a higher category, and some I will put in a lower category. I for instance right have a couple of videos from category 4,5 which I am hesitating about whether I should kepe them there or whether I should move them to category 4. Seems now that there are more category 2 songs than category 1,5 songs, and I see other disrepancies as well in my playlist. Seems like I have been making some mistakes. Yikes. I have keeped a log on a word-document to keep track at which category each song ends, though. Without further a due, here is my general music playlist and the music playlists from category 3 up. Once again, songs/videos are going to be added here in the future, and some category adjustments with certain videos are also going to happen. Also, I might continue with adding to these playlists tomorrow or I might happen to do that in a month time from now. it's always very unpredictable with me. I think that when I have completely finished my playlists, I am also going to review the new songs that I have added to category 4,5 (and 5). I am also going to discuss what my top 5 favorite artists are and why in a bit (actually I will do this in the next post probably, but not now) And I might also in the future here in this journal note down what the songs of category 4,5 and 5 are, and discuss them here and explain why they are so great. Here we go General youtube music playlist https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLG16T6B6DQtgUahra_8drIGXBo_H7XP3W Category 3 https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLG16T6B6DQthBSaKMkcr7Ycjp0wmATAvP Category 3,5 https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLG16T6B6DQtht7JtK0pXImGwXplNDtyXN Category 4 https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLG16T6B6DQti6AE9KQ2uBUCyw5_95mxHi Category 4,5 https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLG16T6B6DQtj6_DD_70x806XRGncDFeYS Category 5 https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLG16T6B6DQtgEUUePCv0gDLRnhf9zSbua

He's great One of my favourite teachers. I love listening to audio talks of him. He has a way that he can be very soothing.

Couple of things about this First off, religion is not blue per se but it is much more the way in which religion is being used by the person. I've seen people use the helpful aspects aspects of religion whilst discarding the dogmatic and ignorant notions of it. In fact, my personal coach is a christian, and he is one of the kindest and most open-minded people I've ever met. He simply takes the virtues and value that christianity DOES have. Secondly, I wonder if Elliot simply has not chosen to conciously fulfill a role. I indeed also see that Elliot has become quite polarizing, not taking a very nuanced standpoint towards anything, but I very much keep the option open that Elliot very deliberately has taken on the role as the guy promoting masculine values as the ultimate, because this is simply what he feels he wants to offer as his life purpose. I think Elliot is an interesting case, though. I've seen interviews with him on London Real for instance, or certain clips and short films with him involved, and I can definitely tell he's capable of nuances and wisdom. I think for you guys here there are three things to consider, three questions to ask yourself 1: How do you know that religion is necessarily 'regression'? How are you so sure that certain aspects of religion can't be used that wouldn't necessarily be 'blue', aspects of that religion that would be far more loyal to the essential core and values that religion used to be originally be about? 2: Have you considered that he simply isn't fulfilling a certain role that he deems to be appropraite for him to express, a certain message, a certain perspective that he wants to get across? Perhaps for him to be very nuanced and careful in his statements makes his statements have less power and strength, which wouldn't fit his style. Perhaps he very consciously chose this role, still being aware of the fact that there are more nuances. 3: Even if he indeed got very identified with only one particular side of the coin, one particular angle of looking at things, then still why can't you take that perspectve fo the value that it has? The way I see it is that he is very good at expressing the viewpoint of one side of a coin. Yes, what can be seen on one side of a coin isn't the entire coin, but that doesn't mean what is being expressed and explained about that one side of the coin that IS being looked at, isn't accurate and wrong. It is simply just impartial. It is the truth, but it is only half of the Truth. The other side of the coin is the other side of the Truth. Both sides are the Truth, but both sides on its own are incomplete and misleading as far as the total picture of reality is concerned. But still, even if Elliot only speaks in and deals with half-truths, even these half-truths can have a lot of value, as long as you understand they are half-truths. Don't judge him so quickly, and see him for what he DOES have to offer.

Monday April 6th, 12:43 Something that has been surprisingly helpful to me is just to remind myself that whenever some idea gets in my head of what I could or should do, some form of plan, that at the moment that plan gets into my head, I have to stop myself and say "This plan might not pan out. I might not follow through on this. I might not want to do it (planned time period). It might not happen (for the time I planned or imagined about doing it). Why am I saying this to myself, and why does it seem to be so helpful for me? Well because for whatever reason, I tend to make any sort of plan almost a requirement for myself whenever I come up with one. It almost becomes a 'should'. There is no real need for this to happen, but for whatever reason whenever I come up with a plan, it feels like I have failed when I don't follow-up on it, or at least not for the time that I had planned to do it. To really get it into my head that these plans are optional and merely suggestions, and not requirements to myself, it for some reason seems to work very well to me if I just remind myself at the moment I am making a plan to do something, that both circumstances, feelings and thoughts in regard to the situation may change, and that therefore I really have to remind myself at the moment I come up with the plan that: "This may change. This plan may not go through. Something else may happen and the plans may therefore change". And just reminding myself like that actually seems to work really well for me. Also, I have been struggling lately with really the sake of self-discipline and self-control. I have also been thinking really hard about the question: "From a higher perspective, from the viewpoint of the absolute, is discipline really necessary? Would an enlightened person need discipline? Or would everything just happen on its own accord for him?" I know I'm not enlightened and I know it's not necessary or possibly even harmful to only act the same as my concept of an enlightened person would act like. But still this question of whether I need discipline or not has been really bothering me. Especially last saturday evening. Basically the situation that triggered this question is that for so many times after having experienced that same thing, I once again found myself in bed struggling to deal with this kind of addictive quality that my phone seemed to have over me. I didn't really want to use the phone or have a specific intention to use it, but yet trying to prevent myself from reaching to the phone seemed to imply this great struggle in me, yet reaching for my phone to try to scratch the itch, seemed to create this feeling of guilt and depletion, as if I'm a cocaine addict trying to recover who is relapsing on his old habits again, minus the satisfaction you get from actually taking cocaine. In fact, using the phone at such a point whilst not having a specific intention with it and only wanting to use it for distraction, is in itself already very unsatisfying, but it seems to be better still than trying to struggle to prevent myself from reaching. And it got me very confused. I then just think that how does it happen that almost every time that I lay in bed for some time with the intention to rest a bit (not to sleep pe se), I start creating this inner battle in me about whether I should use my phone or not. It seems like a totally unnecessary struggle, yet why can't I let go of it no matter how hard I try to let it go? As if the only two choices are either to struggle whilst trying to fight against, or to give up and try to escape from this uncomfortable state of mind by distracting yourself in your phone. Not that the phone usage is very satisfying at such a point, but at least you don't have to deal with all this pressure and confusion in your head in that moment. So one thing I came thinking about was that I was always trying to "let go" of it, of this struggle, yet I wasn't succeeding. But I came to think what "letting go" really was implying to me. The idea of what "letting go" means to me seems to have a far more stronger association with being totally chill and almost hippy-like about the situation. The idea of peace, acceptance, "you can do whatever you want", going with the flow, those sort of ideas. But really, what I come to think about it now (I'm still always open for my ideas to change on this) what this association I have with the idea of "letting go" then does in actuality for me, is that I allow myself to get distracted very easily and to then follow certain addictive and compulsive patterns, and then trying to reason away the guilt and feeling of depletion that I get for doing so. So really, perhaps "letting go" as I've been handling it isn't really letting go, but is much more following a certain idea or interpretation I have about what letting go would mean, instead of actually letting go. You are kind of just choosing a position about what your idea of being carefree and light would mean instead of actually being carefree and light. It is once again a form of duality. The tricky thing about trying to implement the teachings of non-duality is that as a strategy or concept, it can never be satisfying because at the moment you think you should be living in a non-dual way, once again you create a duality of "non-duality" as opposed to "duality". I don't even really know for sure if there is a conceptual strategy, any idea or moral guideline, that never has the possibility to turn into something that at some point becomes more of a hindrance than a form of help. I don't think there is. So what does it actually mean to let go, not in concept, but in reality? What I found what actually helped, was just to be really, really keen at observing any way in which your mind tries to make a strategy out of something, or just whenever your mind tries to come up with basically any sort of strategy for life. For instance, when I say to myself "Whatever I do, it's fine. just follow your spontaneity". What then happens is that that idea then becomes the intellectual ground of which my actions become based on at the moment this thought happens. It becomes for instance an excuse for me to distract myself with my phone. I'm not even saying that it's necessarily bad to distract myself with my phone, I'm just saying that having this thought turns into a form of a subtle belief about how I should act and behave. And that's what I became aware off. How my thoughts are affecting my behaviour without me even really realizing that my actions are based on thoughts rather than on what I call "spontaneity". Because really, how do I even know that acting based on spontaneity and feelings is even the best way to go about things? But, if you keep being keen on staying aware, what you will then quickly notice is another thought coming in from the backdoor: "Oh so I see how that thought makes an unconscious belief. So if that doesn't work, then I should discipline myself and find ways to resist the urge or prevent myself from doing it!", or some other thought that basically has the same basic message, or really, I remarkably enough don't really even notice a narrative, like a full articulate sentence fully playing in my head, but rather the entire idea is almost packed in just a glimpse or wave of a feeling, yet at the same time that even though it's just a short wave of a feeling, I still happen to know the entire construct or narrative of what that feeling is about, without that narrative displaying itself in my head as a full, articulate sentence. Irregardless, when this thought or feeling occurs that "oh then I should discipline myself", instead of identifying with that thought, you once again just notice it for what it is, and you see that it is simply what I call "a thing". A thing basically means that it's an unconscious belief structure, but to make it easy on myself I call it "a thing". "oh, that's just another thing", I may say to myself when I notice this thought. But you may think: "Well it's good that you are able to notice both of these belief structures for what they are and not get identified with it, but how do you still make decisions about what to do and what not to do?". First off, when I notice the thought "oh so then I have to resist or put up a fight", I've come to realize that you don't need to struggle and become really tense just because you want to discipline yourself. When I notice that thought, I remind myself that there is no need to belief that there needs to be a struggle or a fight. There is no need to belief that it causes any form of deeper tension or anxiety. The whole notion that it needs to be a miserable struggle needs to be dropped. Perhaps, discipline can also be very light, careless, free and peaceful. And part of what helps for this realization to kick in, is simultaneously also seeing that the whole idea that 'letting go' as far as I've come to conceptualize it so far, isn't actually letting go. Otherwise you just get stuck on that idea and you won't even take discipline in serious consideration. How about how to act in general? With a healthy and conscious attitude, is discipline necessary or helpful to begin with at certain times? With a healthy and concious attitude, is indulging necessary or helpful to begin with at times? Or does a perfect balance always need to be struck my thoughts about this still have to form themselves a little bit (and I have to be careful to not get too identified with my 'final conclusion' (if there is going to be any), as that becomes then another possible belief structure), but how I see it now is that there indeed times where indulging and 'letting go' is a bit more appropriate, as long as you don't get too identified and attached to it as a mental position, and really, the same goes for discipline. I do have the feeling that life alternates between sometimes a bit more discipline and sometimes a bit more indulgence whether you go about it consciously or not. I don't know for sure if the same counts for a fully enlightened person (if there is such a person as 'a fully enlightened person' as if it were an endpoint), but I actually imagine it would. Irregardless, I am not enlightened, and I doubt that trying to act as if I were an enlightened person would actually be intelligent to do.

Saturday April 4th, 15:05 I've been thinking a bit about my financial habits. More specifically: i've been thinking about how I tend to very greedy and that I always tend to look for the cheapest product in the same category. This comes back too when I searched on aliexpress for these silicone lovedolls. I really put a lot of emphasis on trying to find the cheapest product available. In the end, I bought a semi-inflatable silicone doll for 80€ on amazon (the dutch version of amazon launched fairly recently, actually), and what is great about this purchase is that it's both very cheap, but the delivery also seems to be relatively fast compared to other delivery times I've seen (the product comes between April 9th and April 16th). But just now I thought about what exactly I am encouraging when I always tend to want to buy products for the cheapest price. What effects does this have on society? Also, how trustworthy are products that are being sold for very cheap? Let's address the first question first. The reason Jeff bezos (CEO of amazon) is now the richest man on the planet, is not so much because individual people give a lot of revenue to amazon per se, but it is in fact the sheer volume and quantity of products that are being sold that make amazon such an incredibly succesful and influential company. But what does this mean for other businesses? The fact that you have some of these giant corporations that sell a lot of stuff that is cheaper than you can find anywhere else, is actualy a huge problem for smaller businesses that are trying to get their feet off the ground. Because why buy something from a smaller company when you can get the same (type of) product for cheaper on amazon? This is the big headlock that giant corporations have over smaller businesses. There really isn't any chance for smaller businesses to grow much unless they either sell their company off to a big corporation, or if they try really hard in playing the same game as the big corporations do, thereby most likely forsaking their integrity. And even if they try to play the same game as the big corporations with every ounce of energy they got, the big corporations simply have a big headstart so it's almost impossible to really compete with them. Smaller businesses simply can't lower their price to the same amount as giant corporations like amazon do. Amazon relies on sheer quantity and volume of sells for their profit. They are able to afford to go that low in their prices simply because when you buy and sell items in bulk, it becomes a lot cheaper. Smaller companies don't have the luxury to buy that much in bulk, because they can't sell their products off in bulk. So they are basically forced to upscale their prices, because with much lower selling prices they barely won't make any profit at all. Therefore, it's probably better for smaller businesses to put their energy and focus in creating a lot of quality and value and therefore a loyal customer base which they have good relationships with instead of competing for the lower prices. And if these smaller businesses, where often there's people working there who put their fullest passion and enthousiasm in their jobs, if they want to have any chance of surviving at all, it all comes back to customers like myself who are willing to not always go with the cheapest price possible out there on the market. And this is why I am now considering perhaps spending a little bit more money from now on just to support smaller businesses to flourish a little bit more. It's also an issue of reliability. When I then go to aliexpress and search for the cheapest products within their category, there are some signs that there are fishy things going on. Because when i look at the reviews, there are a lot of 5-star reviews but actualy no 4,3 or 2-star reviews, and there was one 1-start review saying it was a scam. additionally, on the right there was an option that said: "did you find this review helpful?", with the button "yes" and the button "no". And interestingly enough, there were many, many people there who said "no", and not a single person who said "yes". So I don't really know what to trust there anymore. According to the internet, aliexpress is supposed to be fairly reliable, but I understand that aliexpress can't do a background check on all of their sellers. I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but the situation simply seems fishy. I doubt if I actually were to order that product for the price of like 250 USD that I would actually get the product that was showcased in the pictures. So reliability and quality of the product are also a serious consideration here when you want to buy for cheap. Will you actually get what was told and shown that you would get? I think that generally, vendors who sell products that are somewhat or even far above what is the absolute minimum price for that category, will probably be a lot more reliable than products that go for very, very cheap. I think the reason why people are able to sell for so cheap is probably because it isn't an actual high-quality product, and perhaps their profit tactic is just by downright scamming people, which is possibly why they can afford selling products for that cheap. On the other hand, there is no way I'm going to get one of these love dolls for 3000€ when I could get one for about 600€ (provided those offers are reliable). I still want to support smaller businesses that serve higher quality products and better customer service, but I can't afford to be paying 3000 freaking euros for such a thing when it is possible to get the same thing for 5x less the price. Actually, I am not paying for one of these type of love dolls anyway. The reason they are the price they are is because they are human-like size. You also have them in much smaller sizes such as 90cm, 100cm, 110cm (2'11", 3'3", 3'7"). Those dolls generally aren't really children dolls, both rather miniature women dolls, although some do tend to look a bit more like little girls instead of women. Sometimes a bit like little girls with breasts. It honestly doesn't concern me so much irregardless. The price of those smaller dolls is understandably a lot cheaper, because there is a lot less costs in materials. The cheapest versions of like 90 centimeters come in the price range of just over 200 USD (somehow the prices of this site are in USD) Despite of me wanting to support smaller businesses, if you actually go to one of these websites that is not a wholesale website but actually a website specialized in either sex toys or love dolls, the cheapest price of really any category of these love dolls is at least twice more expensive than the cheapest version than you can get on such a wholesale website like amazon or aliexpress. And I'm saying at least twice more expensive, but usually it's more like 3 or 4 times expensive, sometimes 5 times. And I'm talking pretty much the exact same (type of) product here. I'm willing to support smaller businesses, but there is no way I'm actually going to pay hundreds of euros more for the same product. Well... okay, I have to grant that those cheaper products on aliexpress probably aren't as reliable and possibly much worse quality (as it probably often isn't as it seems), but still the price difference just doesn't make such a difference worth it. What I'd rather do than go to an official love doll selling website, is just to buy a bit of a more expensive version of the same product on aliexpress. Why would I do that if I can get it for cheaper? Well the first thing is reliability. Often times, the reason I think some vendors have such incredibly low prices is because the product isn't what it seems to be, and it may be a (partial) scam. That's why if I buy a product that is a bit more expensive (like 20-30% more expensive), it is probably more reliable. And the other reason, once again, it discourages cutthroat competition between different sellers by just a little bit, and it may give some smaller companies who are selling through a website like aliexpress to flourish a little bit more. But I have to end it now, because I'm about to go hop in a car and drive with my mother to our second house in the country to deliver a chair.

Friday, April 3, 2020 21:19 Sometimes it bothers me that when I go to sit down here, that no or very little inspiration comes to me of things I want to write about. This especially bothers me because I often know that when I come to take a break, that this so-called ‘break’ will be the end of that writing session, and that the topic I felt so inspired to write about doesn’t get finality to it. There were a couple of things I still wanted to follow up on after I had intended to take a break after yesterday’s writing session. I did not happen to take a break but I ended up just quitting the writing session. Now I come here today and sit and the PC again, intending to continue my writing session from yesterday, but now the inspiration leaves me. And I think it’s rather unfortunate because if possible at all, I would write every day just some thoughts about what I had experienced and thought about, but often there is just no inspiration for it and I am simply not the kind of person that then goes and forces himself to do it. I can’t do that. Lots of topics that I’ve had great insights about never actually surface to the letters in the journal. How difficult it may be for me, I think I ought to just accept the fact that not everything I ever come to think or have insights about will be written down. In fact, I think it’s important for me to not give too much significance to the idea of me ‘having to write’. This journal should be written because I enjoy doing it, not because I need to. This is important to me. If I put the pressure on myself that I need to be writing, I start fighting and struggling with myself, and it won’t do me any good. This actually takes me back to the topic of yesterday. I feel like it’s important to remind myself why I am doing it. Is there a sense of enjoyment and/or a sense of a deeper responsibility, or is it more a ‘should’, something I tell myself that I should be doing, but which turns out to be a desire at that time which I can’t really connect with on a deeper level. There is honestly a fine line between following this sense of deeper responsibility or wanting to take action based on this feeling of guilt. I don’t think I’d be able to say to myself that I can only write in my journal whenever I feel excited to do so. I may not always be moved spontaneously to this chair and start writing because I really wanted to, but at the same time there is a feeling of a deeper responsibility towards both myself and others that I want to continue this journal, not perhaps whenever possible, but still to keep it active, even if it is sometimes with frequent and long intervals. And to be able to differentiate between this call of a deeper responsibility and action motivated by guilt, is sometimes very tricky to do. It is a very subtle difference. To not allow yourself to fall into guilt and ‘shoulds’ whilst still not forsaking the call from a deeper sense of responsibility, is very tricky indeed. That’s why in order to prevent myself from faling into guilt, I sometimes have to very deliberately abstain from writing in my journal because sometimes the basis of where it’s coming from is guilt. I have this with many other things in life too. Sometimes, or quite often actually, the guilt, the ‘should’, the pressure of the ego-mind can be strong enough that for me that only appropriate attitude at that moment is to say to myself “It is okay if I don’t. It is fine”. I then basically have to practice detachment, practice accepting that I could also be doing without, and more often than not I then have to also align my behaviour with the attitude, meaning that I must walk the (self-)talk. Other times, the action does not necessarily need to align with the attitude, and things can still be fine, or better even. Let’s take an example: Just over a week or so ago I was freaking myself out about pains that I was feeling in my chest. In order to calm myself down, I had to have a certain self-talk that went as following: “It is okay if I die. It is okay if I get a heart attack and pass away. It will all be fine. I’m proud of myself as to how I’ve lived the past 7 years, so It’s fine if I let go and without regrets”. Would that then mean that if symptoms started getting really severe that I would not call a physician or even an ambulance? I still would. Because it is possible for the inner attitude to be different than the outer action you undertake. You can at an inner level be totally at peace whilst at the same time taking action to make sure that your body is being taken good care of. But to be able to fully separate the mode of Doing and Being, is very, very difficult, and you would have to be pretty much a very enlightened guru in order to fully separate the outer action from the inner attitude, inasmuch that you are fully able to see and embody the truth of that these two different dimensions don’t have to conflict even if they appear to be in conflict in the eyes of the world. So that’s why it is possible to say A and yet do B and not be in conflict about it, but you really have to master life in order to live your life like that all the time. Additionally to that, attitudes can fluctuate and change in an instant, which makes this even more tricky. I can for instance happen to take my phone without thinking about it and enjoy browsing through it, until the thought comes that “hey that was very impulsive of me. I should not let my impulses drag me along so much”, and then I can start feeling guilty about what before used to be an enjoyable activity. I can also be in a certain inner conflict and take out my phone with that attitude and then whilst I’m still feeling a little bit guilty decide to relax myself and just enjoy whatever I happen to be doing. And this is what makes it all so tricky, because it changes from moment to moment. Whatever I really used to enjoy doing yesterday I can start feeling guilty about today, and vice versa. I actually used to think that it was all about the attitude, but now that I come to think about it, it is the action also, although the attitude is the basis still, I think. I can start becoming an alcoholic and spending lots of money on booze and say to myself that I just need to be okay with myself and that only the attitude matters, and maybe in some way it is true that the attitude is essential here, but at the same time I don’t think you would have the capacity to really let go and fully accept yourself and what you’re doing here unless you’re a very enlightened person. But why would a very enlightened person choose to become an alcoholic? Although from an absolute viewpoint I don’t think it indeed matters what you do and it all about the attitude about it, at the relative level of Truth I still think that certain types of actions are very hard or perhaps even too hard for you to continue that kind of behaviour without not only changing yourself in attitude, but also changing the ways of your behaviour and habits on an outer level. I used to always think “It’s all about the inner, and the outer will naturally follow”, but is this really true? Or better said: Is this the only thing that is true? Or is this merely a half-truth? Will outer action also facilitate an inner change? Boy I’m really too tired to continue on with this topic. I think it’s best to leave this be where it’s at now, maybe get back to it a later time, although possibly not in written form but in my personal introspective processes. Right, let’s talk about sex dolls I’ve browsed the internet a little bit to see what there is as far as offers for life-like sex dolls is concerned. I’ve actually become very interested in this. The reason this sparks my interest is because I think sex dolls would be a great way to practice sexually without dealing with the awkwardness of actually meeting another human being. Actually, I think the correct term for them is “love dolls”. I’ll call it that from now on. I think if I want to face the truth I have to admit that I’m not really ready to get into a relationship with a woman right now, at least not a physical, romantic relationship. I still tend to have a lot of trouble connecting with other people. I can be rather awkward in that sense. I am uncomfortable with eye-contact for one. I actually feel awkward almost every time I pass a stranger whilst walking, because I don’t really want to make (eye-)contact yet it seems like the social thing to do so, so I’m always in a bit of a hussle there. I’m also just physically way too awkward. I’ve noticed this from the few sexual encounters I did have (most of the prostitutes), and that is that I just fel way too awkward to touch and to stroke and to caress her body and to take any form of initiative. It just feel super awkward and weird to really be physical with her, or to really be physical with anyone. I Also think hugging is pretty awkward most of the time, and I never really like it. The truth is, I really feel like I need to really still grow in my capacity for intimacy and connection before I would start enter into a relationship with a girl/woman. And I just think that a really good way of practicing that would be to indeed get one of these silicone lovedolls. I would not just use it to relieve myself in, but also practice actually making love to it by stroking it, kissing it, trying different positions with it, pretending as if I’m a dominant male with it, pretending in different ways as if it were an actual woman. The problem is, they’re just ridiculously expensive. My local sex shop tends to sell them for about 3000€. That is just a huge f*cking scam because I’ve seen other places on the internet where they sell them for just over 100€. Ah well, it is true that those for over 100€ were semi-inflateable, but they stil looked the same regardless. I can never imagine that the material costs and the transportation costs can be anything that’s even close to being 3000€. It’s just a bunch of silicones in a particular shape. It angers me to think that people feel okay with charging 3000€ for it, and it surprises me that it must be to some degree effective and that some men actually buy it for that price (otherwise why would they keep the price at 3000€?). I sometimes really don’t understand why some people are so naive and gullible when buying certain products. I’m going to see if I can get one for not more than 250€. I have the luck that recently I’ve had the good news that I’m going to get my social welfare benefits which has been piling up from November the 1st in 2019, which will get me about 3000€ (this is an entirely different story in itself which I perhaps wil expand upon later) I really hope that international shipping or transport in general is not severely compromised because of the corona-virus. Perhaps I should look to see if I can get such a doll which has its origin closer to home here in the Netherlands. Perhaps I should be quick too.

Thursday April 2, 2020 20:46 I’ve just walked a bit, and in this walk I considered multiple things, but the first thing I want to discuss right now is basically my sexual essence. Inspired also by “The way of the superior man” by David Deida, I’ve come to think about my manhood, or perhaps lack thereof. One thing I’ve come to think about during this walk is simply: Why do I aspire so much to be a man, or to be more manly? Why do I find it so difficult to accept myself as I am right now instead of trying to change in this more manly figure that is able to embody more masculine values such as having a clear vision and direction, and having more discipline and structure. And I asked myself: Why do I need myself so much to be this way? In fact, what’s wrong with living out more feminine values such as flexibility, spontaneity, acceptance and surrender? In those aspects, I am far more feminine than I am masculine. And what’s seriously wrong with it? Even if I were to stay as feminine as I am right now for the rest of my life, even then, what’s actually so wrong with it? If I were to go through the rest of my life being more like a woman than like a man, then what’s wrong with it? Why do I give so much significance to “being more like a man”? For what? I’ve over the years hypnotized myself in believing that I need to be more manly, that it’s good to be a strong male figure. Well, I’ve really failed massively at that at many fronts, but why did I have that aspiration to begin with? Just as a thought experiment: What if I actually become exactly as a woman (having core feminine values) and just carried it out, and that I would be absolutely okay with it., even though I would still have a male physical body. Let’s take it to the extreme. What if I were to become the submissive guy having a dominant female partner, which would also be reflected in the sex that we would have? Or what if I were to even become a submissive gay guy? Is there anything about that that is actually inherently bad? Why would it have to be bad? Do I really need to be manly just because I have a male body? If so, then why? Another thing I notice that’s been going on is that I’m creating a struggle over sometimes the smallest things. In fact, the whole reason I’m switching to this topic now is because I am creating a big deal in my head about whether the font size which I’m typing in right now should stay at this size or should be a bigger size. When I thought I wanted to switch to a bigger size, I suddenly found myself feeling guilty over the fact that I ‘have no discipline’ Confusion, hesitation, guilt has been playing up quite a bit lately. I find it sometimes hard to make decisions or to go ‘meta’. It’s often hard for me to ‘just make a decision and move on’. One thing I became aware of during one of my magic mushroom trips is that this feeling of confusion and hesitation that I often feel can really be considered as just another sentiment, and that in a more clearer or less confused state the choice isn’t necessarily more obvious, and the arguments aren’t necessarily different, but there is simply less concern about the choice itself. There really isn’t so much fear about whether or not the right choice has been made. So really, it’s a feeling that seems to pretend that the content that is being considered is the reason for my distress, but in reality, the feeling of confusion is there anyway and the content that is being considered isn’t as relevant as I then might believe it is, if it has any relevance to being with. And the fact that I often feel confused once again has a relationship with the fact that I tend to be so adamant about being more ‘manly’. Often there is an option to be considered where there is the choice of disciplining yourself to not do something, and the other option to give into something and allow yourself to follow your desire (for instance whether or not I decide to go downstairs to eat a cookie) What I then notice, is that if I follow my desire, there is guilt. If I try to discipline myself instead, there is struggle and a painful sort of inner division. Additionally with the idea of disciplining myself comes the realization that giving into something only needs to happen once for the itch to be scratched (even though guilt may remain), but that disciplining myself creates a feeling of tension that lasts until I change my mind. The guilt is usually a lot less worse than the struggle when trying to control myself, so usually I choose to give in. But of course, guilt does still remain. Coming back to the point of my struggle between masculinity and femininity: One of the reasons that there is guilt because in the back of my head I still have the idea about myself that I should be more manly. And what does a man do? He controls himself, he disciplines himself in his urges. He masters his own desires. But I simply don’t have that self-control anymore. One of the reasons I don’t have that self-control anymore (as opposed where I used to have it to a greater degree in the past), is the fact that I’ve simply come to see that it is a whole lot of struggle for something that in the end only feels a bit good to an ego, but it gives way more pain than it gives pleasure in return. And my theory is simply that over the course of the years my ego has been eroding away more and more. Whereas in 2013/2014 I would still occasionally feel like I was a very strong and potent person because of my ability to discipline myself during for instance long and painful meditation sits, now I simply am not really capable anymore of getting this egoic high anymore out of trying to control and discipline myself, thinking that I am a strong person. Basically, the whole ordeal of trying to discipline myself seems futile. A whole lot of struggle for just the idea that I have still some sense of control over myself and my life. On a sub/semi-conscious level, I’ve just come to realize this more and more and that’s why I have less and less self-discipline. Because, at least that’s my theory, because the base of which this discipline is coming from is not my higher self or whatever, but is in fact the more dense egoic self, that wants to feel like it has some control over life. But at the same time, the idea of always just giving in to every desire I have without any form of control or self-restraint also seems scary. I then tend to think that perhaps I’m not just creating another ego for myself. An ego which takes an attitude towards life that says: “Ah everything is fine as it is. It is all just about self-acceptance and self-love. You don’t have to do anything at all. If you want to eat a whole bunch of cookies or distract yourself a lot on your phone or in your thoughts, that’s perfectly fine”. The point is that I’ve been there before, trying to have as as little discipline and self-control as possible. You could almost say that I was disciplining myself to have no discipline. This attitude, I found, was also in the end just a dead end. But then what? Then it almost seems like you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. I thought about this when I took my walk earlier this evening. First off, I just concluded that this whole idea of needing to discipline and change myself was just going to be futile, because I was coming from a place of lack and unsatisfaction. I’ve had enough life experience and done enough self-observation to be able to see where that was going if I were to try to discipline myself feeling unhappy and guilty with myself. I then considered what would then remain if such options were crossed off for me. Where would that leave me? Because I also didn’t want to live my life forsaking all forms of discipline or responsibility. And what became clear to me is that there are simply different qualities in which actions and even forms of discipline can take place, or different sources or grounds that the energy for discipline can be derived from. The best example I have is brushing my teeth. I actually used to not brush my teeth, or only do it once every week or so. Since the last two years, I’ve started by and by increase the frequency in which I brush my teeth. And especially now that I have a new health insurance policy with a high own risk (meaning you first have to pay a lot of your own money before your insurance company will refund you the money, and the trade-off is a lower monthly charge). For 2020, I’ve decided to not go to the dentist anymore, but instead really take good care of my teeth so that I won’t have a good excuse to go to the dentist, and in this way I can save a lot of money. But, in order to be able to avoid the dentist AND keep healthy teeth and gums, I have the responsibility towards myself to often brush my teeth. And I do now often brush my teeth. It would be untruthful to say that I do it every evening, but I have the general guideline that I do it every evening, but some evenings I skip because I already am in a position in bed where I’m very sleepy and getting up at that point then doesn’t seem iike it’s worth it. HOWEVER, if I then find myself in a situation where I am laying in bed and I am sleepy and don’t feel like getting up to brush my teeth, but I have not brushed my teeth the day before also, then I will pretty much get up to brush my teeth no matter what. Then I do have that capacity for discipline without some for of a schizophrenic struggle. Yes, there is still discomfort, but this discomfort is of my body and not of my soul, if you understand what I mean. It has a different quality to it, this form of action, which gives me the energy and willpower necessary to be able to get me over the hurdle without becoming divided and confused. So if there is a certain understanding why something needs to be happening, or why it is better for me to do it, it will be done and the necessary willpower and discipline will be made available for it, and this willpower and discipline will be derived from a deeper source instead from a superficial ego. Same thing for something like paying a bill, taking a shower before going to volunteer work, sending an email you still needed to send, acting up towards a promise you made to your mother etc... There is in those cases energy that comes from a different source other than a lacking ego And there are actually two ways in which action can be happening from an enlightened perspective. The first one, which I already talked about, is action through discipline, and this discipline comes through insight. You feel a certain deeper responsibility towards yourself to be doing something to keep your life together or to be a respectful human being towards others. This is not action motivated by lack, but action motivated by understanding and wisdom. The second one is action through motivation and excitement. Many times I just find myself singing something or experimenting with different uses of my voice because I find it really entertaining to do so. These days, singing is really one of the primary things I find enjoyment out, and I often don’t even plan on doing it but often I simply happen to find myself doing it, not even being aware of when I started it

Sunday March 29th 21:21 Alright, where should I start. First off, I’ve just been feeling this glooming feeling of… apathy. I have rarely been motivated or inspired to do anything resourceful or productive lately. I have in fact not been inspired to do much of anything at all. I never like it when I feel like this, because when I do feel inspired and motivated to undertake actions and change certain things in my life, it feels as if I’m going forward, making changes, building a better life. And when phases like this happen where there is very little inspiration or motivation for anything at all and I am not doing much as a result of it, especially now that almost all of my activities are cancelled due to the coronavirus, it almost feels just like I’m failing to live up towards the basic responsibilities I have towards myself and my life. I also judge myself for my lack of discipline. I rarely ever discipline myself if I don’t feel “inspired to” disciplining myself. I have heard before from certain people that discipline needs to have its roots in rationality, habit and routine, and not in emotional moodswings. Well... I’ve tried doing things in a routine matter before, but honestly, I just don’t work that way. I have tried many times before in the past to get a certain disciplinary structure in my life where I try to do something every day whether I feel like it or not, but it simply never has worked out for me that way. It has never lasted. And I doubt it ever will. I am not entirely sure if I will ever be able to create this sort of structural discipline for myself in a more thorough, lasting way. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I actually can’t tell. The closest I come to being able to do something routinely, is brushing my teeth every evening. I don’t in fact do this every evening, and in the past I used to do this once or twice per week, but now I do it most of the evenings, and some evenings (or nights) I just can’t be asked, and then i won’t do it. I used to indeed have this mindset of ‘doing it whether I feel like it or not’, and I could do that for a couple of weeks, but I didn’t have the energy to be able to continue in that way. But, granted, the fact that I do brush my teeth more often now could be seen as a good sign. That is, if you hold the notion that creating a sort of structural discipline for yourself is ‘good’ and only relying on emotions for your ‘discipline’ is ‘bad’. This is actually an entirely different question. We’re gonna get into this later. (later edit: Seems like we're not. Not this post at least) I’m also afraid. I’m afraid of my own incompetence. I’m afraid that I’m incompetent to be able to prevent myself from going through another ‘dark night of the soul’. That is one of my deepest fears, if not my deepest (conscious) fear. I’m afraid that I will be thrown in a situation similair to 2017 where I just saw myself gliding off without knowing what to do about or how to stop it, or even how to surrender to the process. I’m afraid such a situation could happen again. Being it a truthful prophecy or not, that is what I had seen in my psychedelic mushrooms trips. I understand that this may not be anything more than just a reflection of my own unconscious, but at the same time I do know it felt so incredibly real at the moment I experienced it, and because of that ‘realness’ that I felt, it absolutely doesn’t feel just to try to deny the possibility of it happening or try to argue around it in some way. That’s also what I saw in these trips: the defense mechanisms in how you’re trying to protect yourself from these visions with logic, trying to rationalize your way out of it, trying to find reasons for hope. I realize that my task lies not in me trying to ‘think my way out of it’, but rather to deal with the fear head-on as it occurs in the present moment. Future projections, whether negative or positive, are not going to help here. There is no safety in any future projection of the mind, nor is there any reality in fearful projections of the future. What the finger is pointing to? Perhaps, I don’t know. But all I can deal with in the present moment is the finger itself, and I do know that there is no reality in the finger itself. So basically what I’m saying is that I need to remind myself that the finger (my thoughts) have no reality within themselves, no matter what they are projecting or thinking about. And seeing that, being aware of that, is all the true power I really have, and all I can do, whether my life goes to shit or things actually do start becoming gradually better, or whatever possible permutation of my future path. I also notice that my mind stays empty when I try to think of “what to do” or “how to think about it” whenever I try to ‘solve’ this situation that I’m in for myself. I take walks sometimes, but as opposed to walks I took in years before, my walks tend to be less and less philosophical and contemplative, simply because I’m running out of ideas or ‘solutions’, or alternative perspectives. My mind is simply getting to the end of its line as far as existential contemplation is concerned. And honestly, I don’t even really wanna try anymore I see that as a sign of growth, though. The way I feel about it, whether it’s true or not, is that I’m moving from stage Yellow in spiral dynamics to Turquoise, which marks a shift from (higher forms of) thinking to Being. I don’t like to bring up spiral dynamics so much though, because it tends to create an ego for myself and may trigger other people’s egos as well. There is a good possibility that someone reading this will then start seeing me through this lense of spiral dynamics and start thinking “Oh so he’s a Yellow/Turquoise person”, or “He’s arrogant because he thinks he’s at a stage where he’s actually not. No, he’s at green!”. And honestly, I don’t really want to bother with all these evaluations, comparisons, projections and so forth. I’m just trying to make an assessment based on what I have studied from spiral dynamics. Spiral dynamics gives me a bit of a guideline in understanding my own growth. At the same time, however, I do know that there are certain limitations towards Spiral Dynamics, and there are also some confusions, questions and points of skepticism I have towards the model of spiral dynamics. In general, I can quite find myself in the way Spiral Dynamics assesses human evolution, but sometimes there are some points which I don’t quite fully understand from my own insights and experience, or things I may disagree upon. The bottom line is: Whether I’m correct with my assessment as to where I am on the scale of spiral dynamics or not, or whether it’s a reliable model to begin with, let all of this not be a point for both me and you (the reader) to evaluate me through and to only or primarily see me through that lense. This is also one of the important practices for me personally: To stop evaluating ‘where someone’s at’ in their growth or awakening process. It just causes people to start seeing each other through filters instead of seeing each other as they truly are. I see this a lot with certain guru’s. I saw this when I visited the ashram of Paramahamsa Vishwananda in Germany. Everyone acts very normal and friendly towards each other and me whenever he’s not around, but when he shows up, everybody suddenly gets on their knees and bows down in what appears to be (but appearances may deceive) great reverence towards him and act like he’s God himself that has descended down from the heavens. I actually think Vishwananda is a genuine and innocent person. I don’t get the impression from him that he gets a great egotistical boost from all this attention that he’s getting. I think he just found himself in this situation and just decided to work with the situation as it is. I don’t think he likes that everybody sees him as “The great Guru”, and acts much differently towards him, but I don’t have the feeling that he has lost his innocence through it. I do think that he indeed has quite a high spiritual vibration, although I refuse to judge him as ‘superextraordinary’. Irregardless, I don’t have the feeling that I have a special spiritual connection —that he is ‘my master’— with him even though I have done something embarrassing (in my view) whilst ‘trying to’ make that connection. More about that later, or never (but at least not in this post). However, coming to think about him, I have decided to subscribe to his youtube channel just for the sake of it. The bottom line is: nobody’s true self (not their egos) likes to be treated as ‘differently’, ‘special’, or simply to be compared with and projected upon. I like to meet other people as they are without trying to assess them, and I would like you to have the same attitude unto me. Let us both partake in this spiritual practice. So what was I talking about before. Ah... The fact that my mind stays empty. And what do you know... Now it does again when I’m trying to continue talking about this topic. So let us continue on to the next subject, shall we? Oh, another funny thing: I might just have the corona-virus ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I have been having certain pains in my lung area for... I’d say about 10 days now or something, maybe a bit longer. It’s funny because when I first felt it my first thought was indeed that it might be corona but I wasn’t overly concerned, but I was a bit more careful to not act recklessly and risk infecting a lot of people. I was a bit concerned, but not overly. Until I came back from a walk on last Tuesday, and suddenly the thought came to me that this might in fact not be corona, but an actual serious heart problem! The reason I was thinking about that was because I may have had pains in my chest area, but I had no coughing or fever or anything like that. I also didn’t read about corona staying entirely restricted to pains in the chest area. The internet doesn’t really help with consoling you... In fact, when I went online to what could be going on, I freaked out even more! Honestly though, I don’t know what else I expected. The moment I read it on the internet I was still some time away from home. I had taken a bus ride to start a walk from there (whilst being careful to not spread any potential infection), and the moment I read about what the feelings in my body might be, I still had to wait 30 mins for the bus to arrive and take me to the bus stop from which I would walk 15 minutes to home. Having finally arrived home whilst being freaked out about every little sensation in my body for like 45 minutes, my mother could already tell something was up, and I talked about her privately about the concerns I had. She told me that she would make contact with a friend of hers, who happened to be a retired physician. About 1,5 hour later, we had a phone call in which I told what was going on. Even though she said that she had no strong reason to believe that I had a serious or acute heart problem, I still wasn’t completely comforted. I went through a sort of semi-panic attack that evening, but after that wave of fear was over I slept relatively well, but woke up early. My plan now was to call an actual operating physician in my city whenever the physician’s clinic would go open (at 8AM. I woke up at about 5:30). Because of my complex and strange mental/energetical operating system, I called at about 9 AM. There, the receptionist had a little talk with me and asked some questions about my state, and also told me that she didn’t worry too much, and that I had no telltale signs of an acute heart problem. But still, she would let the physician have a call with me a little bit later (didn’t really want to me to the clinic because of risk of infections). However, she did mention that having pains in the lung area without coughing or fever could still mean that you could have the corona-virus. This I found remarkable. About two hours later the physician called, who was a friendly and sympathetic woman who didn’t seem to be in a hurry despite the health care system evermore becoming more and more loaded because of the corona-outbreak. We had a conversation which was roughly the same as I had with the receptionist. She also said that it is possible to have corona and lung pains but not have coughing or fever. She also said to call back may things get much worse. Now I am here typing more than 100 hours later, still not sure whether I have corona or not, but I am not so concernced about it anymore and I have taken the past few days as an opportunity to detach from my body a little bit more and to practice accepting death (not that I think I'm going to die, but still). Still have had some lung pains (pretty sure it’s not the heart but just the general lung area), but nothing overly painful and severe, and I have been taking some herbal remedies as to improve my immune system, including herbs with antiviral properties. Basically I've been dirnking a lot of tea with some of the herbs in the article in it. I have heard people say that vitamins or herbs or so doesn't help against corona, but I think there can be like maybe a 10-20% difference in your immune system. It's at least worth a try. Here are two links to that if you’re interested: http://oftheearthwellness.com/covid19/ http://oftheearthwellness.com/immunityboost/ Those are the main things for now. I’m glad to have caught up a little bit

This might be a bit controversial, but these were some thoughts I had which I had written down in my journal. For that reason, keep in mind that what has been written there has not been written with the purpose or in the format to share in a topic to the rest of the forum; This idea I only got in hindsight. So rather, these thoughts have no 'finality' to them, but were some contemplations which I wanted to write down in the moment. I also feel like I could've expanded a lot more on this topic, but that too I did not feel the inspiration to continue. Think of it as you may. My intent is to provoke mature discussion and to share different, alternating perspectives as to help people be more contemplative and therefore more conscious. I'm open to be corrected by someone and admit to certain mistakes or loopholes I've made in my arguments if somebody has a counterargument that has more depth and insight to it. Bonus: Something I had also written in my journal, I also wanted to share some thoughts I had about people feeling the necessity to constantly guard over their children now that schools are being closed in my country due to the virus. I could've made a new topic for this subject, but I didn't feel too comfortable with doing this so I decided to include the subject in this topic instead.

Ultimately, the capacity of being able to let go of a thought does not need to depend in you becoming able to believe the opposite, namely: that you believe that it would not be true. It is possible to not believe or give attachment or energy to any thought, even though you can be very conscious of the fact that that which the thought or fear is about is actually very realistic. For example: Let's say your mother has been diagnosed with terminal cancer in a late stage and there is no possibility of saving here anymore, as there are all kinds of indicatives that treatment won't work anymore, not even alternative treatment. Instead of trying to go to extreme lengths to still try to save your mother, you can simply let go and accept her dying, or accept your fear of her dying, without even necessarily trying to think positive about it or try to think about what opportunities or lessons can be learned from this (although I wouldn't advise against that). An even more extreme example to show you what I mean that it's not even necessary to change the thoughts into more positive or less painful thoughts in order to let go of thoughts: Let's say god appears right before your eyes and say to you that in the upcoming year you will suffer with great intensity, it being completely overwhelming and unbearable for the entire year, and there is no possibility for you to surrender to it, there is no possibility for you to change it, you are simply doomed for the next year. There is no solace or relief you can find in anything or any thought whatsoever. And it is absolutely clear and undeniable to you that this is going to happen. There is no room for doubt about it, because you deeply know that this is just a fact. Yet, this thought in itself, how horrible and impossible it might be, can still be let go of. yet, there is no way to turn this around to something positive, there is no way to find relief in another though or idea. Yes, you can think about what you will have learned from it afterwards, but there is no relief in anything you can do with your mind or your thoughts to provide relief in that year itself. In other words: there is no hope. There is hope for after the year is over, but there is no hope for that year itself. Even in such a situation, still it's possible to let go of the fear of that upcoming year, even though there is no logical support that you can find for doing so whatsoever. Still it's possible, because letting go of a thought pattern don't necessarily require different thought patterns in order to stop it, but it simply requires your willingness to stop it with no strings attached. It can be done like that, as if it's magic. Let's take an even more extreme example. Let's say God came straight down from the above and told you that after you die, you will go to hell, you will stay there forever, you will suffer greatly for infinity, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, there is no possibility for you to surrender to it (whilst you're in hell) or to change it, and it is absolutely certain that this will happen to you. in such a situation, there is literally nothing you can hope for anymore. All hope is gone. But this is the miracle: Even though you're in a situation where you know you are simply doomed, even then, you can let go of the fear of it all, you can let go of the fearful thought pattern. You don't need another thought patterns of positivity or hope to replace it. You can simply let it go. You actually do have that power. there is no 'how' to it, you just let go. And as far as I see it: If there is going to be hope, there is going to be despair. They are part of a duality. But I'm talking about hope as a belief in something, not a trust that would be earned. Trust is something else, but hope as a belief will always at some point be followed by despair. And despair is actually not the same as hopelessness, because having no hope does not mean one is in despair. One can be totally present to the moment, and then there is neither despair nor hope, as both despair and hope are projections into the future. Actually, when I said there is no 'how' to letting go without replacing your thoughts with positive ones, in my experience that has actually been not entirely true. Sometimes when I'm stuck in a certain though pattern (even positive thought patterns), I simply catch myself and say (in my head or out loud) "Stop!" to myself. I prefer to say it out loud but in some situations there's people around and I won't be able to. By saying "Stop!" to myself I've become able to more effectively break a pattern like that. It actually usually doesn't stay with saying "stop" only once per moment I do it. But the main thing you need to remember, OP, is that whatever the content of thoughts is about, what it is pointing to (Not the thought itself, but the moon that the finger is pointing to) may in some way be an accurate prediction of what is indeed going to happen, but that does not mean that just because it would or could be true, that you need to have any attachment or fear towards the thought itself, and that you are still able to let go of your thoughts in spite of all it. Oh and actually, I'm not even against positive thinking so much because it can make you more intelligent in creative in the way you can start perceiving reality, but just realize it's finite and not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is to be so awake that all hardwired mental patterns disappear, both negative and positive

Wednesday March 18th 23:17 In italy it seems to be pretty bad. Another 500 deaths from the corona-virus there today. And those are only the people who have been counted. Thinking about it statistically... estimates are that about 60%-70% of us dutchies will get infected. About 2-4% of the people infected will eventually die from it (considering that efforts will be made to protect the vulnerable groups). We in the Netherlands have around 17 mllion people, which means around 10-12 million people then will get infected in our country. If those many people get infected and 2-4% will die from it, we're talking about 200,000 to 500,000 casualties in total. I've heard estimates around 50,000 people, but then how can those estimates be accurate? If we're eventually talking about 2-4% of the global world population, we're talking about 100 to 220 million deaths in total from the corona virus (7.8 billion people on the world, of which then 60-70% gets infected). I don't know if I'm missing something in my calculations here, but these are the numbers we're looking at right now if I'm not mistaken. So quite a lot. But of course, something that's going to be far more lethal is time itself. in let's say 120 years, 99.99% of the people currently alive will be killed just by the fact that time passes. I feel sorry for many of the hospital workers who are under the collective delusion that saving individual lives is the most important thing in their current existence, not being fully aware of the fact that just extending the lifespan of one individual isn't necessarily an honorable act in itself. Especially when it comes to elderly people, who wouldn't have that much time ahead of them anyways. It sounds very crude and heartless what I'm writing right now, but this is the reality. Nobody wants to talk about it, and even I hesitate to do so, but if keeping certain patients alive is going to fill up the space of the hospitals to the extent that there is no more space left, then perhaps certain patients that don't otherwise have much prospect of a much longer life left anyways (even if they recover), should then perhaps simply be... dispatched by a lethal and painless injection. Sometimes reality can be harsh like that. But in Italy they're already doing this to an extent: They are choosing which patients to save and which patients they allow to let die. The elderly people go first. The younger people they try to save, because they have more of a future ahead. I don't know if they're 'getting rid of' the elderly people by giving a lethal injection or just to remove the oxygen equipment from them and let them die naturally, but indeed in times like that choices have to be made. But I have not seen a single politician advocate for awareness on the art of dying. I have not seen a single politician or not even a single person on the news or in the newspaper talk about what to do when death is near when it happens to you. Again, everybody is completely obsessed with trying to make people survive. Nobody seems to really take note of the fact that death is completely inevitable, whether through this virus or not. If they were actually fully conscious that death was inevitable, they would not be so adamant in trying to save as many lives as possible. Or at the very least, they would talk more about how one can deal with death not as in how to survive it, but as in how to deal with accepting and surrendering to death, or the potential of it happening. I'm not saying I'm perfectly capable of fully surrendering to death, but I at least on an intellectual level understand that we can not keep eternally fighting to prevent death, and that survival should not be the main priority of life. I also don't want to get involved in the whole chaos of this situation. Just as a thought-experiment, if I were to be called upon from the government to aid in the hospitals, I don't think I would go. I possibly might, but then I would not be there to save lives, but I would be trying to provide some sense of spiritual comfort to people there. I would, and I'm not saying I'm fully qualified just yet, but I would then try for people to suggest to them that perhaps it's best for them to surrender into the possibility of death. But regardless, I understand that it's for almost nobody easy right now. I'm glad we in the Netherlands have not decided to go for a lockdown (so far). I really appreciate the opportunity to be walking these days. I take lots of walks. I really feel like I need that both to think and to ground myself in a practice of mindful walking, being very present to my body, breath and environment as I'm walking. I appreciate our prime minister for keeping his head cool and not becoming panicky by all the reactions that he's getting, and instead listening to the experts and virologists. I do have a greater amount of respect for him now, although there's every possibility that he still may collapse under the pressure and order a lockdown anyway. I find these times also a bit difficult personally. it's not even that I'm so afraid of the virus, but with everything shutting down I'm becoming a bit agitated because I have this impulse now to be doing things and to be more active in my life, and now I'm almost being forced to retreat and be understimulated, which I wasn't really looking forward to in this phase n my life. I already had the desire to start becoming more active even before the whole corona-pandemic broke loose, and now instead of starting to do more, everything I would've normally been doing in my weeks has pretty much now been cancelled. I can see the value of it, though, as I'm finding myself taking initiatives to do certain things which I have never done before. I for instance wanted to post a request for people to come into contact with me if they wanted to find someone who could provide them with some listening ear and provide psychological relief. unfortunately, this appeal was not allowed on the facebook group I wanted to post it on (corona-help in my city), as only people who requested help could post there, and not people who offered it. This had to do with the fact that as of then (and probably still now), there was far more supply than demand. I also on top of that have some fears that have been amplified by the fact that I had a bad magic mushroom trip some days ago. One of the fears that then surfaced was the idea that I would go into another downwards spiral, another winter, another 'dark night of the soul', and now this idea is scaring me, and I have some difficulty letting go of this thought. I see however the value of being exposed to this fear, though, because it is an invitation to coming closer to letting go of any sort of narrative or fear-based thought loop whatsoever. I do see this as practice. And it doesn't actually matter if that which my fear-based thoughts are pointing to are going to be true or not. Whether I do experience another 'dark night of the soul' approximately as dark or even darker than in 2017 (god forbid) or not, any pre-emptive fears about it are not going to serve me and are usually not in any way really useful, if at all ever useful. If it would actually become a reality, then I want to experience the pain and suffering of it only as it comes, and not already before it. I know there is no point in negotiating or trying to deliver arguments to myself as to why it shouldn't have to happen (to that extent) in order to feel safe. I can see how this is all coming from a place of fear. No, the only thing I am really to do, is just to let go of any thoughts about it whatsoever, and just take life as it comes in this (and all future) present moment(s).

Ah screw it, my profile picture shows my face already anyways

Tuesday 17th of March, 2020 13:27 Before we get to this pandemic thing we're into right now: One other thing that has happened to me a couple of days before is that I took a psychedelic mushrrom and I had a pretty bad trip pretty much all the way through. I came to some very disconcertning insights or visionsduring that trip, which in hindsight one tends to write it off as 'part of the hallucination', but the scary thing about it is that in the moment itself those visions seemed far more real than my doubt about it now seems. There was just such a strong sense of... clarity and conviction, that doubting it just didn't seem to work. In other words: It felt at that moment as being very true, and all my tendencies to doubt it were seen as part of my fears. And to now try to argue with what happened during that trip just seems as completely useless, as what I was shown during that trip is that I would forget it and naturally start to doubt it again. Whether it's actually true or not, I at least want to take into serious consideration that what I saw there could actually have been true. The visions were about my future path and the fundemental nature of reality, and both of those visions were really unpleasant and scary. Yet, now there is no going back either now. If what I saw there was in fact true, then trying to fight it or deny it isn't going to help me. I want to be prepared for the worst and the scariest possibilities, and still be willing to look those fears right in their eyes and not cower, not run away from them, and stand strong in their presence. Even if I'm going to hell, and even if I'm totally going to be overwhelmed with it with no possibility of staying present and me suffering deeply in this hell, then still I want to be able to accept that fact even though there is absolutely no logical reason that could support my acceptance of it. In other words: Not a single thought or hope to find relief in it. Yet, then still you are able to accept it because you have no other option. I have encountered such 'impossible' surrender before. No single thought or form of hope that can help me, yet still I surrender and thereby relax and become free, at least for that moment. I see the visions during the trip and the fear it evoked as an oppurtunity the practice this surrender and also it's an invitation for me to already start preparing for what could be another dark night of the soul for me. At least I can start preparing already right now instead of me dealing with the struggle and trying to surrender to it once it's already too late (whatever "too late" means) Now to the corona-virus (Covid-19) pandemic that now completely left our country (The Netherlands)... Not (yet) completely in chaos but slowly it's coming to a complete stand-still. So basically at first groups of over a 100 people were forbidden, now almost every social gathering or meetup has been cancelled, which is also very impactful for me personally, or otherwise they're happening online through skype or whatever (such as my bi-weekly singing course yesterday through a program called "Zoom"). Also, restaurants, bars, pubs, schools, culture centers, museums, sport clubs, libraries, drugstores (but not pharmacies), and many more of these organizations and services have been closed, and will not reopen until at least the 6th of April (but probably much longer). Our prime minister (Mark Rutte) held a very exceptional speech today which was directed directly at the citizens (last thing this happened was in 1973), and basically told us that we would probably be dealing with this for another couple of months to come, and that most of us would get the virus, and that the highest priority with shutting everything down was to prevent hospitals from becoming overwhelmed. I think the speech that Mark did was actually a very good and mature speech. He was very objective and direct, expressing the information he got from the experts and relying on their professionalism, yet he also called for us to take good care of each other, and he emphasized that nobody would be left alone or behind, and that companies and small businesses and freelancers would not be left to their own device, and that the government would support them. He also stated that our country has many billions of euro's available to be used to overcome this crisis, and he also emphasized the importance of protecting our elderly and vulnerable people. Do I agree with the measures that our country is taking? Well... I think compared to many other countries I think our country is being very mature and wise about this, but if I had a say in it I would do it a bit differently, or at least seriously consider some alternatives or otherwise a different emphasis which I'm going to express right now. First off, people are temporarily quitting their jobs because schools are closed and people 'have to take care of the children'. I actually don't quite agree on the fact that children cannot be left alone for some time. Younger children... Well indeed perhaps they shouldn't be left alone, but children that are getting a bit older (let's say from age 6-8 somewhere) I feel are capable of being alone for at least some hours during the day. Especially considering that they have other children to play with, but even if they hadn't, you can often see that children can entertain themselves quite well. I think there is a lot more suffering going on with adults being alone rather than children being alone. It may be so that children may have a lot of fear of being left alone for some time, but I think that this has a lot more to do wth our social conditioning (at least from a certain age onwards) than their intrinsic need to always be watched over. I think we as parents are often too over-protective and we don't teach our children self-responsibility and independence, because we don't trust them enough on their own and we don't give them the space to make choices for themselves and to cultivate their own path. Children, especially somewhat older children, can be left alone for a couple of hours, that shouldn't really be a problem I think. At least not once they get over the hurdle of the initial fear of being left alone because they have never gotten the opportunity to get used to being on their own, so initially they might be scared and fearful, but in the end I think they can get used to it and probably enjoy themselves as well. And if they get a bit bored... So what? We adults get bored too; Probably a lot more than children do. I'd say it's good to let children alone for a bit and let them experience boredom. Boredom incentivizes people to be creative and think of new things to enjoy themselves or to otherwise create value for other people. And again... They probably have plenty of friends they can play with. Whether people should be working from home as much as possible I don't know, but don't let people not go to their physical location anymore or even quit work at home because they 'have to take care of children'. I think that's totally unnecessary for the most part; Well, depending on the specific needs of the particular child. Some might be younger, some might be handicapped, some might have a different psychological make-up, so individual cases may differ, but generally speaking I'd say it's not necessary to guard children so much. I think parents and society as a whole just has too little trust in children for them to make their own decisions. I acknowledge they need some guidance, attention, care and protection, but I think we as a society have gone too far And now, an even more controversial point: I think it might seriously be a worthwhile consideration if we as a country or government were to decide to actually not try to prevent the corona-virus and just let the disease run its course, and let society continue as it always has been. Absurd, you might say? Well, let's think about it. The biggest reasons why governments want to shut everything down is to prevent explosive infection and disease rates and by doing so they want to prevent hospitals to become overwhelmed. But... hospitals are only a tiny aspect of the totality of society as a large. By shutting everything down in society, you may prevent hospitals from becoming overwhelmed, but you disrupt the entirety of the rest of society and the economy at large. You basically sacrifice 95% of the activity and economy of society to ensure that 5% of it (the health care system) keeps running relatively smoothly. And on top of that, the wave may come much faster and the peak will be much more intense and higher if you were to allow everything to run its course, but it would be over in a couple of weeks, instead of a couple of months which we are looking at right now. After it's over, society can start running as normal again. Yes, we would have maybe a couple of weeks where many people are sick and the activity of society will become very minimal, but right now by shutting everything down we have about the same effect as the effect would be if everyone would get sick at the same time (except for the health care system, then). Your greatest argument against me will probably be that it's completely unethical to let so many people suffer and die from this disease and to allow hospitals and the workers in the health care system to become completely overwhelmed. But is it really unethical? What people don't understand at large is that the purpose of life is not to survive it. People now think way too much in terms of survival instead of prosperity and flowering of love and consciousness. Yes, may people will die, but this is from the perspective of the absolute not a problem at all. Everyone will die at some point, haven't you realized?! Hospitals should still be there, and there should still be to a great degree care for those who are critically ill, but at the same time my proposal would be to campaign for people to consider if they perhaps simply don't want to prepare themselves for a possible death and to also take into consideration the idea that instead of going to the hospital when they are critically ill, that they allow themselves to experience whatever they are experiencing in the safety of their home, preferably with loved ones around them, and to prepare themselves mentally and spiritually for a possible death. If they choose to go about it this way, they have a much greater opportunity to die a peaceful death in the comfort of their own bed with loved ones such as close friends and family around them to make them leave their bodies with grace, instead of being in an emergency room in a hospital where every patient there is suffering deeply from their illness with nobody to love them or guide them as far as their spiritual needs are concerned, and with every nurse or health care worker there being in an almost constant state of panic and stress with every patient they have to treat and 'every life they have to save'. So basically, our whole approach to death is skewed. We only think and talk of death in terms as to how to prevent it. We almost never talk about as to how we can understand or embrace it. And this is a huge problem in society at large right now. Death is one of the greatest taboos currently of the west. We fear it so much because we fail to understand it and most of us don't have a grounding in spirituality to find solace in a larger context about what one's eventual death is really good for. We cling to life because we think that what is essential to us would be gone once we die. It's not, because we are far more than our bodies and everything we've built up in our physical existence, but this spiritual ignorance and atheism and scientism is doing a lot of damage to the peacefulness of our souls, and both the quality of our lives and our inevitable death (or the smaller 'deaths' in our lives) That's it for now, as I find myself running out of inspiration to write further right now. I'll think that I'll sometime later continue with writing how this pandemic situation affects me personally.

As far as I've come to understand, the primary factor that determines the growth in the awakening process is not the amount of willpower you put into it, but rather the focus on 'becoming aware of'. But to say that completely forsaking willpower is justifiable, would not be correct. To use willpower is necessary or otherwise advantageous in certain phases of the awakening process. However, if you try to 'will' yourself to do certain things, without first having done a proper amount of introspection and consciousness work, there is every chance that every attempt that you will try to make to try and change something about yourself will be done from the perspective of the ego, creating an inner struggle and a division rather than cultivating a focused, proactive power. All too often I see people trying to 'will' themselves out of a situation or certain behavourial patterns, like trying to stop with smoking, and they not only keep failing, but they also keep on building up more and more tension and guilt by constantly struggling with trying to stop smoking and then failing and failing again... The reason is simple. The truth is: They don't really want to stop smoking on a deeper unconcious level. They still want to keep on smoking to find a means to relieve tension and to find comforting distraction because they want a temporary escape from their uncomfortable inner reality. To actually truly stop with smoking would then mean they would have to sacrifice this coping mechanism of distraction and relief, which they don't really want to do. In reality, all addictions are a means of avoiding oneself, avoiding one's inner reality. So the vicious cycle they are creating for themselves when they try to stop with smoking is that they create a situation for themselves where they create a huge struggle and division within themselves because their conscious mind is trying to attack and overpower their much more powerful and stronger unconscious mind. In this struggle, their inner state becomes even more uncomfortable, making the temptation to start smoking again even greater and greater, as the need for distraction from their struggle becomes greater, until they finally can't handle it no more and they light up a cigarette. And then they feel even more guilty and hopeless, because then they start to feel like they are completely chained to this addiction and they will start to feel as if they are 'too weak' to overcome the challenges in life, and in this increasing guilt and hopelessness, the need for a distraction from that inner pain becomes EVEN GREATER, making them light up another cigarette, and another one, and another one, and before you know it, they have started smoking more cigarettes after they had made the 'commitment' to stop with smoking than the amount of cigarettes they were smoking before they made the vow to stop smoking. This is also why I am fiercely against the anti-smoking campaigns that are currently happening in my country (the netherlands). Because the way my country is handling it, is by demonizing smokers, by making the prices of cigarettes more and more expensive, by limiting the places they can both smoke and buy cigarettes at, and by all of that it is creating massive amounts of guilt in smokers. And guilt is not at all an effective means to stop smoking. At best, they may go from one addiction to another addiction which hopefully is physically a bit less unhealthy, but nevertheless it is just going from one pathology to another pathology, and with every chance of only increasing the pathology in smokers and society as a whole. So what I would advice you, OP, is to instead of trying to stop certain behavourial patterns, is to put more focus and energy on both accepting and understanding yourself, including trying to understand where certain addictions, unwished behavourial patterns and pathologies are coming from. By doing that, you will raise your consciousness and thereby your vibrational frequency. And by raising your vibrational frequency, you automatically will be less and less attracted to certain addictions or behavourial patterns that are assocated with lower consciousness. They will fall away rather spontaneously, you don't have to do much work for it then (if at all). And additionally, because you are doing consciousness work, you will create a situation for yourself where less and less you will have your conscious self fighting your unconscious self. And because energy from this struggle is being released, this energy then becomes freed up to be used for a certain ambition or goal that you have which is not coming from the ego but rather from a higher source. As there is no inner struggle anymore if you're truly committing yourself to a higher vision or a higher goal, you will therefore find yourself having the willpower and commitment to pursue that goal without strange forces holding you back By the way, just because there would be some struggle when pursuing a certain goal, would not necessarily mean that the goal itself is one that is coming from the ego, but it could also mean that there are still some egoic parts or some unconsciousness in you which you haven't come to recognize and purify in yourself just yet. Therefore, do some introspection may certain blockages start to arise. Also, full (embodied) understanding is the same as full acceptance. That's why only trying to understand something in order to get rid of it is not going to work. If you've think you've understood how to get rid of an unwanted part of yourself, you haven't truly understood.

After having watched Leo's recent video in regards to how pyshcedelics work, this question came to mind. Would you recommend people who are mentally ill or otherwise unstable to start taking psychedelics? Now, I think most people out of a reflex would say "No!", and they may say something like "Seek a mental health professional" Now I am not necessarily against seeking out help from other people, in fact I think it's a great idea. But a lot of therapists and counselors are not more conscious than their clients are (being a 'professional' and more mentally stable is not the same as being more conscious). Especially the clinical, mainstream therapists often have a very limited understanding about the total scope of the nature of the psyche and the emotional, energetical and the physical systems and its workings, despite their 'expertise'. I would recommend mentally unstable/ill people to seek out a coach that has a more holistic approach, and who also has an affinity with spirituality and dealing with shadow work But despite me totally recommending mentally ill people to seek out many different resources, people, techniques and so forth that can help them in dealing with their mental illness, I feel like opposing or even denying them the access to psychedelics is in many cases not the right thing to do. Why? Because it's like saying that you have medicine but it can only be used for people that are (relatively) healthy. Again, 'health' is very relative here because the potential of how 'healthy' (or conscious) you can get here are possibly even infinite, so therefore I'm certainly not saying that 'healthy' people shouldn't take it, but at the same time I feel like people who are mentally ill can also really benefit from it, despite of it having really potentially nasty side-effects. But that was one of the things I was wondering too, though. Is it with fairly good accuracy predictable that someone who is mentally unstable will have a 'bad trip' when they start using psychedelics? Or can it have a lot of varying effects on even those whose psyche isn't very pure? One would perhaps a person with a psyche that isn't very pure to have a bad trip because they would encounter their shadows, but what I then wonder is why then people like to take mushrooms or LSD in recreational use, such as in parties? Yes, I know they aren't as mentally unstable or ill as the people I was referring to, but at the same time, they are often not very conscious human beings so they are bound to still have a lot of shadow material within them. Doesn't that then get exposed during such a trip? Or does it depend on the setting and intention of the trip? How does that work? And even when I was doing a group magic mushroom ceremony I noticed that most people got off quite fine with it, despite the serious nature of the ceremony and despite me assessing them as not being 'completely pure' (inasfar I'm able to judge that). Why didn't they have that reaction? As far as usage with mentally unstable people is concerned, I can only speak from personal experience. Back in September 2018, I was going to do my first ever guided psychedelic trip (magic mushrooms) in a controlled group setting. I had paid some money for it and the people guiding it were experienced psychonauts so it was a rather safe and responsible setting. Despite me still dealing with some heaviness and shadow issues at the time (though it wasn't overly severe), I made it a very conscious choice to participate in this ceremony, accepting the risks that were involved with doing so in a mental/emotional state that wasn't as... reliable. However, because I really wanted to do this and because I feared that I might be denied access, I basically lied/downscaled/left out information when they asked on the online pre-questionnare about whether or not I had mental issues in the past and/or the present. Whilst on that questionnare they indicated that they would want to discuss it with me without indicating that they would immediately deny me access if I were to admit to some mental instability the past/present, the idea of me being rejected because of it made me really angry and dissapointed, so I basically hid those facts from them. And yeah, it wasn't a great trip and it left me feeling very heavy and melancholic for a couple of weeks (although nothing severe PTSD-like), I still don't feel any regret for having done it, because it was a risk I fully consciously accepted and an experience I wanted to have nevertheless. I may have brought up some nasty stuff in me, but that's okay because when you get exposed to your shadows it at least gives you the opportunity to start dealing with them. Without having gone on this magic mushroom trip, I wouldn't have had that opportunity had I not taken these mushrooms. I seriously don't regret it. It took me a bit longer than a year (I think it was October 2019, maybe November) before I felt ready to do yet another mushroom trip (this time solo). Whilst I also had some dark moments during this trip (and also some great insightful moments), this trip didn't leave me feeling so heavy and dark afterwards. Pretty soon after the trip was over, I felt quite fine again and even pleased with myself that I had undergone this trip. Because I had taken psychedelics whilst still not being very mentally stable and yet not having regret me taking it, I therefore feel like it's not right to deny or to automatically discourage people who have mental issues to take psychedelics, as I still feel like psychedelics can be medicine, despite this medicine often requiring you to face some of your demons and purge them before you can be healed. HOWEVER, I think people who are facing (very) severe mental issues probably shouldn't do it, as they in their normal waking reality already have enough shit to deal with, and in such a situation I think it's better for them to seek out means for becoming more conscious and in healing their wounds that aren't as intense and impactful as psychedelic effects can be, as, who knows, it just may be more than they can handle and it could drive them batshit crazy. Therefore, I think the worst mental health cases shouldn't use it until they come to a point where they are a bit more mentally stable using many different means, as the risks of using it at such a point may just be too great. And people who are maybe not facing (very) severe mental health issues but still definitely some of it, for them it may potentially be a good idea provided they seek out someone who is experienced in guiding people through psychedelic experiences, and then only after having discussed it properly with them first whilst being honest and open about their current mental health situation, and if possible at all, they probably also should seek out such a guide who can provide aftercare for the trip and whom they can discuss what happened with them. Or otherwise someone else whom they can discuss it with and who can help them to process what happened to them. Yes, I know I didn't discuss the fact that I was still a bit mentally unstable with my guides at the time, but I was really conscious and decisive about what I was doing and it was a situation wherein I took a very conscious risk and I was ready to accept full responsibility of what would happen to me. Because of the fear of being denied and rejected, I chose to not fully share what was going on with me at the time and what my past was with my guides. But I can't accept the risk of someone with severe mental health issues reading this and making the choice to do psychedelics not because they take a very well thought-out, conscious risk, but them doing it because they feel a personal obligation to do so because 'it's good' or 'I should' or whatever they tell themselves why they should do it, and then them ending up having a traumatic experience with nobody to discuss to help them process what happened to them. If they take psychedelics out of guilt ('I should') or despair or being angry with themselves or any of these sort of modalities, it's just going to be a recipe for disaster. So that's why I say make sure that if you're going to take any sort of psychedelics, especially if you're mentally unstable, be very, veeerrry careful and make sure it's a very well-considered, well-contemplated and conscious decision. That's what I now felt what I had to say about it, but I still don't know everything about what is exactly to expect with the usage of psychedelics in regards to mentally unstable people, as I only have my experience and I do know for sure that my experience doesn't cover all possible experiences that people can have with psychedelics in varying degrees of mental stability. What do you guys think about all of this? What is your experience? What insights do you guys have to say on this topic? Feel free to share

I don't know if there is such a thing as infinite or endless suffering (not referring even to time-span but to intensity). I of course hope not from my human perspective. I'd like to hope there is some limit in which if you were to go beyond that you would fall unconscious or pass out, or there would be some hard stop or a breakthrough, or some limit of suffering in which no form of consciousness has ever dares to trespass, or something like that. But it's a bit strange to think about it if you yourself were God and it was fully your choice to go and experience that deep, agonizing suffering or if you were to choose to step out of it. Now THAT is hard to reconcile. Some thought I do find comfort in is that what I regard to be the least favourable realistic scenario of how existence works is the idea that there can never be more suffering than there can be joy and happiness in the total experience through the course of what's perhaps an infinite lifespan of the soul. The idea that we as souls were to suffer more than we were to experience joy in the total sum of things, seems also from a rational perspective also just unrealistic. We then would come to experience an equal amount of peace and joy than we were to come experience suffering. And this scenario described here above would be pretty much the worst case scenario of what I regard to be somewhat realistic. Another possibility is that suffering are just very temporary, short-lived experiences and that most of the time in the lifespan of our souls we abide in the bliss and joy of God. That then seems a whole lot more comfortable to think about. Suffering in that sense would then be considered 'rare'. But honestly, we then could even ask what all of that would mean if we then were to say that 'time is an illusion' and those sort of things, making it once again another complete mindfuck, so in the end, I don't really know what to make of it or what to think about it, so it's best to just forget about it all instead of trying to seek some comfort in a thought and go with what Gnosis had said, which is this statement:

Wednesday February 12th 19:24 Things seem to be going quite well in my life right now. And I'm suspicious... I haven't felt as contented as I feel now for maybe even since childhood. But I can't help this gloomy feeling that this is not going to last... On my second and (so far) last psychedelic mushroom trip that I went on, I got encountered with the frightening vision that I would have to encounter another dark period in my life that would include hopelessness and despair. In that moment it felt like a very real vision, but looking back on it, I really have no idea what I'm meant to be thinking about it. I have no idea whether this was some vision from a higher source, or that it were my unconcious fears coming to the surface. Just when you have a dream... For all you know you could be experiencing a premonition when you dream about you encountering something scary, but it may also 'just be a dream' that signifies nothing besides perhaps certain fears that are in your unconscious. Same with this... I don't know if I would need to go through another phase of hopelessness and despair, god forbid, but certainly the fear is there. The fear is there because in my last deep dark night of the soul in 2017 the situation was as such that no matter what I tried or how hard I tried to come out of it, the situation just seemed impossible and I only seemed to go further and deeper into this dark valley no matter how hard I tried or what I tried. I used everything I had at my disposal, but still... And I still haven't really come to terms with it, I still don't know what to think about it. It seemed like a phase of inevitable suffering, unpreventable and unstoppable. If you see yourself slipping down further and further and neither trying to get out of it or trying to accept it doesn't seem to work to put a halt to your increasing sense of hopelessness and despair, then what is one supposed to find comfort in? I still haven't wrapped my head around this... I'm okay with experiencing a lot of pain in whatever form as long as I can learn to accept it and to create a space for it to yield into it. But how can I accept the fact that I can't accept? In other words: How can I find comfort in a situation where either the ability to change my situation or the ability to accept things as they are seem to be completely elusive to me? That's how it felt... Changing it seemed impossible for whatever reason it may have been, and accepting it also seemed impossible. I still don't understand what I could possibly have done otherwise in my dark period in 2017 that was within my capacity to do so that could have either prevented this dark phase and/or that could have prevented my ego from struggling against it. I can accept pain, but how can I accept despair when none of this 'acceptance' provides relief from this despair? In reality, despair in itself is a state of non-acceptance. And acceptance is inherently in itself a state of non-despair. I just don't know how I can come to terms with what happened in 2017. Because if this 'inevitable despair' happened before, it can happen again one will think. How can I possibly find relief in such a prospect? But yeah... This is probably my deepest fear... Going again through a phase of hopelessness and despair which I seem to be powerless against to prevent it or stop. And this was what I was shown in that psychedelic trip. But somehow... I didn't leave that trip with a sense of hopelessness and heaviness, unlike the first psychedelic mushroom trip I had taken a year before. Somehow, I managed to accept the prospect that such a phase of 'inevitable despair' would happen. Somehow, for no logical reason whatsoever, I came to the capacity to accept such a prospect. And somehow, I left this mushroom trip feeling quite fine. Not great, not bad, just fine and alright. But such a mushroom trip is extremely disorienting. You don't know what's left and right anymore, what's up and what's downn. Whatever orientation you had before you started the trip suddenly seems to be washed away and seen as illusory, because you (or me at least) come to a point where you see that whatever standpoint you happen to be taking, or whatever idea you try to hold onto, you will see it as illusory, as something you come to immediately and pretty much without a gap come to question the validity of, so there is no possibility of holding onto any position whatsoever. So it's just a total mindfuck and you can't possibly prepare for it (I tried). I think I will discuss what happened in 2017 and this notion of 'inevitable suffering or despair' with my life coach in our upcoming meeting next week.

Whatever you do, don't make your future about 'needing to survive'. A lot of people with depression, long-term mental health problems and suicidal tendencies are in this rut where they are both too afraid to commit to life and too afraid to die (to commit suicide). And with some people, they can even spend decades going in from one deep depression to another, from one psychiatric hospital to another, from one therapist to another, and they basically live a life alternating from moderate to intense despair, yet they never truly fundamentally change. In such a situation, I'd say it's better for them to commit suicide than to continue the same kind of lifestyle. Continuing to live a life in a state of (intermittent) despair and depression and other continuing mental health problems, is worse than just getting it over with and committing suicide, in my opinion. I think it's both amazing and tragic that some people manage to keep on going for that long. I don't understand how they manage to continue for that long despite for them being no light at the end of the tunnel considering the way they continue to live their lives. They don't want to truly come to terms with the fact that the tiny slivers of hope they have is all just fantasy, and that with the way they keep handling themselves there is going to be no hope for the future. Not that you have to commit suicide. And not that there wouldn't be any hope. Not at all. But please, for the love of god, don't become one of these suicidal dabblers who go on living in misery and torment for years, and sometimes even decades (god knows how they do it). You need to come to terms with the fact that you will have to make a very deliberate decision: Are you going to commit to life, or are you going to commit suicide? I'm not going to tell you which choice to make, but all I'm going to say is that if you don't make a decision, life is not going to miraculously resolve itself and you will most likely be in an almost continuous state of misery until the moment you die. Do you understand me? Is that clear to you that you don't really have a choice but to make a choice? I know that truly coming to terms with your situation as I described can be very painful because you will need to confront your inner demons and some of your worst, most dreaded fears. But the prospect of not doing that is so, so much worse. At least in the long term. If you want to commit suicide, you know what to do. Commit all of your energy to it and get it over with. If you want to go for life, then you absolutely need to commit 100% of your life energy towards it and not give the idea of suicide a second thought anymore. You have to totally and utterly cross off suicide as an option in your mind, otherwise it's not going to work. It's not going to work because you will lack full commitment. And the reason you will lack this commitment is because in the back of you're mind you're thinking: "well if this doesn't work out, I can always still commit suicide". If you have that thought in the back of your mind, then when you encounter struggles or obstacles, instead of being fully committed to pushing yourself through that and taking whatever lessons you can out of it, instead of that, you will start fantasizing and thinking about how death could be a sweet release from it all, and then you will start having suicidal fantasies and idealizations, and if you indulge in those fantasies for too long, it will completely destroy that warrior spirit that you may have been able to tap into when you still seemed to be making progress. There are going to be moments when things just don't seem to work out, and you appear to seem stuck, and you will have the tendency to think that "this will never get better". Expect those moments. Those moments are normal. But it is in those moments where it will be decided whether you will succeed or fail in life. If you don't give up during those moments, then you will make it through and then you're well on you're way to creating a magnificent life. But if you allow fear and self-doubt and desire for death drive to overwhelm you during those moments, then you will fail and you will either end up committing suicide, or even worse, continue this cycle of misery for what may seem like an eternity. Remember that your way to a happy, healthy and beautiful life is decided moment to moment. The only power you truly have is the decision you make in this moment, right here, right now. You can only change the future by the way you act NOW. Read the "power of now" by Eckhart Tolle if you want this to be clarified even more deeply to you. If you want to, I have written much of my thoughts on the topic of suicide and suicidality not too long ago on my journal thread here on actualized.org (you can find in through my profile page). But for you convenience, I have copied and pasted what I have written there and put it in an online text sharing site. You can also read it there. I have also brought in other perspectives on the way you can look at suicide and suicidality there. If those perspectives only feel to be confusing to you and they don't connect with you, then simply disregard them. Different perspectives will work for different people at different moments in time or phases in their evolution. Work with what works for you right now, and dismiss what doesn't serve you right now. Here's the link. https://justpaste.it/5se21 You can also contact me by sending me a private message, if you want to.

Thursday January 30th, 08:27 Let's see, where to start... Firstly, I have decided to stop eating soy products. I was never really aware of it, but apprarenlty soy contains phytoestrogens. There are many differing opinions or whether this is harmful to one's manhood or whether it doesn't matter, but I decided to stop eating it for now, just to simply experiment with it and to find out for myself as to how it affects me. I feel like eating a lot of soy products may (or may not) be the cause of why I tend to be so passive and rather feminine so often. I'm gonna continue to avoid it, and I'll see how it turns out. I've also noticed that being assertive can be as much a choice as it is a psychological or hormonal predisposition. Not only acting as assertive or trying to force it in spite of your insecurities, but actually simply making the decision that: I am not going to allow myself to be insecure about this matter anymore. I noticed this with singing. In this singing course that I am doing, I have found myself being rather insecure and anxious about my singing capacities. The same was the case when proposing to sing "breaking the habit" from Linkin park last week in this singing class, which is a very challenging song for me, where I was very insecure about it and I let the others know that I was insecure about it, but this week I decided to do it differently. This week, I decided I wasn't going to be turbulent, hesitant, shaky, seeking permission or validation from others, always feeling the need to sort of express that I was insecure about it so it would in my mind break the charge if I actually were to sing... not so very beautifully, let's say (singing false or choking off or things in that nature) This week, I decided to just not talk about it, not trying to seek validation or permission, not trying to protect myself from their opinions. I just had to stop the tendency to care about what others thought about me. And this helped quite a bit, actually. The reason that before this I had constantly been trying to seek permission and approval, is because in my mind I somewhat unconsciously believed that their approval would help me to calm down and make me less insecure. But, as it turned out, this strategy may sometimes work, and I feel like it has worked in the beginning of when I started this singing course, but it can also potentially provide the opposite effect in another context. I feel after some time the effectiveness of expressing your vulnerabilities and insecurities started to wear off, until it come to a point where it actually started to have the opposite effect. And then it's interesting how just deciding to not seek approval from others anymore and to just go for it and block out —or at least not as be distracted by— the opinions of others, that such a decision can simply be made like that, without much struggle or difficulty at all, and that then it makes me feel relaxed, assertive, and at ease with myself. It's strange how it goes sometimes...

Tuesday January 28th, 08:35 (gonna work with timestamps now. Timestamp is based on when I start the post, not when I finish it. The timestamp is based on my local timezone, which is UTC/GMT +1, Amsterdam local time. Take into account that when the daylight saving time switch happens, this will become UTC/GMT +2) I've come to realize something. Well... Multiple things actually. Many of these realizations where also facilitated by me recently having started reading "the rational male" by Rollo Tomassi. But one of the things I've come to realize is that I don't on an unconscious level don't consider myself to be worthy or entitled to be a woman's sexual partner. And it should have been obvious to me before, but I suppose what blocked this realization is that I never consciously believed in the notion that I would be unworthy. I always thought something like: "Well I may have some feelings of shame, but they mean nothing. I know that I don't have any reason to believe that I wouldn't be worth it either for myself or other people". Basically, I always argued with myself that what I felt was insignificant and therefore I dismissed it and never really looked deeper into it. But the fact is: I carry a lot of shame, I carry a lot of feelings of unworthiness that until now I was never really willing to really recognize. When I think about approaching a woman even in the social circles that I know them of, I feel like that asking them on a date or to have a drink somewhere would only be weird and possibly even creepy, and that I would just be making a fool out of myself, and that I would quickly lose my status or respect to her or anyone she tells that I asked her, because I would've come across as an insecure weirdo or creep. I moreso prefer the idea of not asking a girl out, because at least then I will still be able to come across —in my mind— as a 'normal' person. Women or other people may then still think of me as someone who can be at least to a certain degree respected and someone who has certain traits that are interesting. But as soon as I then start asking a girl out in that circle, somehow in my mind I associate it with having all the respectibility just being completely wiped, and that after that I would be too ashamed to face her or the group again. It's the feeling as if the way I have been acting before I asked that girl out would then appear as having been a facade or a pretension. I would then be exposed as a weirdo or a creep. I know on a conscious level that none of this is rational, and it's only structures I'm building in my mind that seem very solid, but that are in reality are just made of hot-air. It may be true insofar that it can become something like a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it's not a hard, objective fact. But it doesn't matter in regards to the way I experience it. It had been the same when I was still doing pickup over 6 years ago. There was just massive amounts of fear, but especially shame when trying to approach that next girl, and I never really truly felt entitled to be getting their love and interest. And that's why I eventually I had to quit. I just kept hitting this wall of shame that just seemed inpenetrable no matter what I tried. And now, this wall still seems to be here after all those years. Yeah, a lot has changed in me and my life, but this doesn't seem to have changed. Strangely enough, I don't really feel the same way at least in the same degree or manner about being unworthy if we both already have made a previous agreement that we are both searching for the same thing. This is why I don't feel this same wall when trying to go to a prostitute or to try and get a date on tinder (although it hasn't happened so far). I however have experienced with prostitutes that this shame and discomfort is still there in the sex act, making me very mechanical and clunky as I just am not comfortable with being physical with another person, making it all rather awkward and unsatisfying. And now the question that remains is... How do I break this wall? I think acknowledgement and awareness of the facts is the first step. It always starts with becoming aware of it, and admitting to yourself what is going on. And in that sense, I am on the right track. Part of this acknowledgement, I realized, is to stop the pretense that I would not be so much a beta-male as I really am. I've always consciously or unconsciously reasoned for myself that I definitely had some masculine, alpha-traits, that I wasn't the same as those other weak beta-boys. But the reality is, I may be in many ways just be as beta if not moreso than those beta-boys that I'm judging. Perhaps I shouldn't even be saying this because I would be right back to ego-attachment again, but I do feel like there are some traits in me that are... not as beta. But I do think it's an accurate assessment that I generally tend to be more of a beta-male than an alpha-male, at least when it comes to things like sexuality, leadership, aggression, discipline, ambitiousness, decisiveness, the energy I often communicate, my general attitude towards life, and I would also say self-confidence, although I always used to believe that I had that, but in reality I think I was/am fairly good as coming across as confident and strong, but not actually being confident down to my core. No, I have to admit it. I am more a beta-male than an alpha-male. Let's just stop the bullshit, stop the pretensions, stop the excuses, and just admit to the fact. And that's why women aren't really attracted to me. I'm too soft, too sweet, too indecisive, too passive, too much a driftwood. I don't spark sexual attraction in that way. It just makes sense. I can't blame them for not feeling that. And I think part of the reason why I feel so much of this shame when it comes to sexuality, is the fact that I don't value myself as a man. Perhaps I also unconsciously don't value myself as a person or human being in general, I'm not sure, but I certainly don't value myself as being a man. I don't truly believe I'm man enough to be entitled to having women be attracted to me. I don't truly believe I have enough to offer to them, at least not as far as masculine, alpha-values are concerned, which should be vital in a sexual man-woman relationship. And in a way, I feel like there in some truth and validity in me not feeling this entitlement. Because I lack a strong sense of purpose and direction. I lack a decisiveness. I lack the capacity to follow-through. I lack the capacity to lead and be assertive. I lack the capacity to act out a strong will and discipline on a consistent, long-term basis. I lack an outer purpose, and I lack so many masculine values. I'm basically more female than male at this point, although my body may suggest otherwise since I have a penis and a male body figure. I suppose my capacity for very sharp, logical reasoning and my commitment to being a person of integrity, and my commitment to Truth can be seen as masculine traits, though. I'm capable of being very logical and direct and honest in the way I think and how I express myself. At least certainly to myself. This I do have. Although, are integrity and commitment to Truth really masculine values? I'm not entirely sure. In women or the feminine way of being this may (or may not) also express itself strongly. Not sure. I reckon to get past this wall of shame, a couple of things need to happen. First, like I said, acknowledge the situation for what it is. See the fact that the wall is there, see why it is there, and see into the fact that I am certainly not as much of an alpha as I would like to believe. Awareness is always the first step, and one could say the most important step. Secondly, perhaps it's just an idea to experiment with dropping the notion as if asking a girl out would be creepy to do. What if I just suggest to myself that it is not creepy? What if I try to sort of hypnotize myself into believing that asking a girl out is the most normal and casual thing in the world to do? What if I am capable of assuming that there is nothing weird, creepy or wrong about asking it? What if I am able to tune into that mindset? Or what if I am able to make myself believe or to hypnotize myself into thinking that my sexuality altogether is the most normal and natural thing in the world, and that it is only perfectly natural and ordinary to be flirtatious and sexually interested in women? Because really, it actually is, but society conditions you as such to believe that it is not that normal and natural, and that it is something to be controlled or even to be ashamed of. Thirdly, I need to get my life further together. My capacity to be able to attract women is not seperate from the way I handle myself in everyday life, and the general mindsets that I have towards life, and the general attitudes that I have towards life. I need to work on my purpose. I need to further develop myself into music and give more discipline and structure to it, such as playing guitar and practicing singing every day. I also need to really focus on the volunteer work that I am going to do, and I need to give a lot of attention and purpose to that. Perhaps I also need to take an additional job, as to further stimulate myself to get disciplined and active. It's probably a good idea to also work out much more than I do now and to keep my body in shape. And I also want need to keep on doing sexuality coaching, keep on having having my monthly conversation with my life coach, and also to take on some courses, workshops and programs related to self-development and sexuality. And as far as practice in attracting women is concerned: I certainly want to continue on Tinder and experiment there with different ways of presenting my profile. My main priority right now starts leaning towards just getting a first date, and on the first date the most reference experience and practice can be done. I also have only yesterday signed myself up for a speed-dating event, in which I will... well... do some speed-dating. Speed-dating seems like also a very good way to do a little bit of practice and to get some reference experience. The speed-dating event is in about 3 weeks. And I may or may not also start asking women out I know from my social circles (not talking about friends, but about those I'm seeing on work and courses and such). But that is, if I can get the psychological aspect in the right place, where it does not feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle trying to break through an inpenetrable wall, only hurting myself in the process. If I can uplift the psychological blockage to at least some reasonable degree, I might also try that. Let's see... Anything else to say...? Nah I think that's it for now.

If you haven't seen it, I edited my last two posts some time after I have posted my last post. What this means is that if you have looked at my thread 0 to 9 hours after I posted (but not edited) my last post, you will not have seen those yet, as editing a post does not update the activity of your thread in the subforums menu. Sunday January 26th to Monday January 27th I want to talk about girls, dating, women, sexuality... I notice that sometimes I get resentful, envious, angry, possibly even somewhat hateful when I think about all the women who have in a subtle (as in disappearing/ignoring) or not-so-subtle way rejected me over the course of the past. I resent them for being pretentious and hypocritical I resent them for not being honest I resent them for not being direct I resent them for being prudish and not being promiscuous I resent them for not being open-minded and adventurous I resent them for being prejudiced and judgmental I resent them for not being tolerant and sympathethic towards me making mistakes I resent them for not being reliable And I resent them just in general for not having a lot of integrity One of the things that bothers me the most is the real-life/online contradiction. In real life, women often seem sweet and juicy and lovely, and they're great to communicate with (although flirting may be a different thing) Online though, using services such as tinder, the primary thing they're lacking is fidelity, staunchness, adherence, characterized mostly by 'silently disappearing' or ignoring you. It frustrates me because it doesn't give me any feedback as to what it was that made her get turned off a little bit. On top of that, it triggers me because it goes against my own values. But I have to be fair here: What I just have written was all on an emotional notice. I wanted to vent off some anger, but I am not adhering to objectivity. My ultimate fantasy of how I would like a woman to be like in a relationship is a woman who gives me feedback, a woman who invites me to come closer to her, a woman who has compassion, patience and respect for the fact that I have some vulnerabilities. A woman who I can be real and honest with, including all my less desirable traits, and that she still loves me for how I am. A woman who i feel I don't have to put up a certain front for in order for her to be attracted to me. I want a real and honest relationship in which we don't only show the sides to one another that is attractive to the other. but where we accept each other for it as such. I don't want a relationship in which the woman only is attracted to me if I act like the alpha male. I'm just not interested in games. I'm not interested in bullshit. I'm not interested in only seeing each other through our projections. I'm not interested in only showcasing one part of myself to attract the other. I'm not interested in trying to manipulate a girl into liking me by following the rules of biological attraction. I'm not interested in sticking to social rules as to how a relationship should form. And I have said all of this on my tinder profile in a similair way before, and it turned out to be quite effective. But what bothers me is that it seems that I can't really go the other way: That I expose not my assertive side, but my more sensitive side and that I won't be able to get nearly the same amount of likes for as far as I've been able to see it. There is a strong voice in me that says: "I want you to like or at least respect all of me, not just this part of me!". That's why I feel reluctant to go with what's effective, even if what's effective is also simultaneously true. Because what I would be expressing may be accurate as to how I am, but it's not the totality of me. And that's why I tend to rebel by putting up a profile that shows a lot more of my vulnerable side, or communicating in that way, because I don't want to get attached to this fear that as soon as I deviate from a particular type of behaviour, that I would lose them. But the question is, what do I really desire more at this moment? The correct type of girl to be with, the ultimate 'dream girl' who instantly accepts me totally and has a lot of integrity, or just some girl(s) to have some fun with? Considering that the first option seems to be such a struggle to find such a woman, I feel tempted to just now go for girls who may not have a lot of depth and integrity, but who you are able to have a good time with. But I want to get over my anger of them not having integrity as well. I could just decide to act out of anger and start being commandeering and enforcing towards girls, making them follow my command no matter what. And I know that that could work, because this is what many 'assholes' are doing around the world, and they are quite popular with girls, although maybe not for very pure reasons. What they do have, is this strong assertive masculine side that girls are biologically attracted to. So I could turn into that guy, acting out of a lot of anger, resentment and hatred towards girls for them not being reliable and honest and not being of integrity. I could turn that anger into a driving force to start basically commanding girls and almost forcing them to do what I want them to do. But I don't think I want to turn into that guy... Instead, I want to ask myself: Do I need them to have integrity? Can it be okay for them to not have integrity and still love them as they are? Do I need them to have the same values as I have? In fact, is their way of behaving really worse than my way of behaving? Is acting through your emotions and sentimentalities instead of being guided by principles objectively speaking a worse way of acting? Is maybe their way of handling situations also not valid? Do I really know for sure that sticking to my ideal of integrity truly makes me a better person? It doesn't help to sit here being all angry and self-righteous. I doesn't help me to start judging everyone for (what appears to be) not having integrity. It doesn't help me to start indulging in hatred and envy and jealousy and so on... I want to keep my heart open, despite of the shit that gets thrown my way. Despite the unfairness I may come to encounter. Despite me desiring to give and give and getting nothing or perhaps even negativity in return. And the fact that I have the tendency to become bitter, angry, judgemental and self-righteous myself, shows that perhaps I may not be as virtuous as I would like to see myself. As soon as you start becoming angry and bitter and resentful and self-righteous for other people not having a lot of integrity, and allowing yourself to indulge in these emotions, you are becoming exactly what you resent. That's the point. I am not making the world a better place whatsoever if I start becoming what I resent other people for. Sometimes I have fantasies that in the future I have sorted myself out and that I would be desired by a lot of women, and then I fantasize that women who have rejected me in the past come to know about it, and that I then will reject them, making them feel regret for having rejected me in the past. But I need to stop these kind of fantasies too. It's not going to help me to feel like I am the one with the superior morale. it's not going to help anyone if I start aiming for revenge or fantasizing about it. I want to be able to love and appreciate others despite of their shortcomings, despite of their sometimes potentially very disrespectful way of acting. I want to love the women I'm going to date. I want to respect them. I want to be interested in them. I want to appreciate them in all that they are. I want to be able to forgive them if they don't treat me well. I want to forgive them if they abandon me. I want to forgive them if they don't repay the love that I want to give to them. I don't want to carry hatred if they do some really nasty stuff to me. I want to love them even if they are very superficial in their judgements towards me. I want to love them if they don't respect me opening up to them and showing my vulnerabilities, and even if they use it against me. I want to keep my heart open no matter what. At the same time, I indeed would like to have some experiences with women, and I feel like I therefore need to acknowledge as to what's effective and what's not effective. And showing more assertiveness and dominance is generally more effective in attracting women, especially when it comes to online scenarios such as Tinder. Yes, I could stick to me expressing my vulnerable side only or primarily, but I do have to acknowledge that I will be much less effective in doing so, and I simply will have to accept that not have initial tolerance for showing vulnerability is simply the way that most women are, despite them often telling otherwise. People are often saying: "Just be yourself and women will be attracted to you!". And I say that that is bullshit in most cases. For many guys, when they hear this advice, it is very harmful to them. Because the way they are is in fact not attractive at all, and the reason is that they have a lot of psychological issues and unresolved traumas that they have never come to resolve. And they lack discipline, they lack fortitude, they lack potency... Their way of trying to accept themselves as they are is just an egoic excuse for them to stay in apathy and feel like it's okay. Many guys in our society today, especially younger guys, need to become men. And they become men by challenging themselves, by overcoming obstacles, by disciplining themselves, by for instance approaching women on the street, by following movements such as RSD (Real Social Dynamics), or by studying people like Elliot Hulse. These boys need to change into men, and they need to do it by developing a warrior attitude, by challenging and disciplining themselves, and by overcoming many fears and obstacles by using their courage. "Being yourself is attractive". No, it's not true. Being your higher self perhaps is attractive, bust most people don't have access to their higher self, so then the self that is being acted out is the lower self, is the egoic self. 'Being yourself' at best means to not be pretentious. But even pretentiousness I feel can have its place in human evolution. Sometimes I feel the statement 'fake it till you make it' has some validity to it. This applies in particular to soft and weak men (or I should say boys). Yes, there is a time to be yourself, and there is a time where that idea of 'being yourself' is harmful because you need to change. One could actually say that then the true meaning of 'being yourself' also means your wish to change yourself. Wanting to change yourself can also mean 'being yourself', and the wish to change yourself can also be viewed as part of yourself. Some time ago I was browsing through Tinder and I saw a profile of a woman in like her late 30's, and she said something like: "I don't want any weak, sweet and sensitive guys. I want a succesful, confident man who knows what he's doing". I don't quite remember exactly what she said anymore, but it was clear that she was not interested in soft and vulnerable guys. Intitially her profile made me a little bit angry, making me think: "Well fine then! You will never get to know what it means to have a deep emotional connection with someone if you don't allow the other to be vulnerable, and you will probably ony end up with an asshole". I initially felt that resentment, but the I thought to myself: "Well, at least she's being honest". And I found this resentment towards her turning into a feeling of respect. Because at least she's sincere. At least she's direct. At least she's not a hypocrite. At least she's not pretending that she's attracted to men who are 'themselves', or that she wants to seek a bunch of qualities in a man that are projections of a conditioned mind but are in reality not what she truly desires. I respect this woman, because at least she tells it how it is. I like that directness, that frankness. Having said all of this, what does this all mean for me? Well... I value both being able to be sincere and being able to actually be effective. Sticking to the idea that I can only represent myself from my vulnerable side may seem noble, but there is some potential for this to be coming mainly from a place of ego as well. Because you can be doing it out of a sort of mule-headedness. You can be doing it out a sort of stubborn anger, that you 'don't want a woman who's only superficial', and you may create a narrative around that where you're just ironically very judgemental yourself about the way other women should be allowed to perceive you. What I kind of feel like doing is creating a strong profile that I ought to be attractive towards women, and I will use this kind of presentation to attract them towards getting them on a date, but whilst on the date, I then will refuse to fear showing my more vulnerable side, even though I may not choose to proactively start presenting that side right off the bat. I want to be able to combine the best of both: Setting up a certain set of behaviourisms that appear as attractive whilst (whilst also being authentic about it), yet at the same time not fear her to discover that I have a more sensitive, insecure and vulnerable side to me as well. Basically an attitude of: I want to do what works, but at the same time I will refuse to fear showcasing my vulnerable side. So if she doesn't respect me for my vulnerable side and rejects me because of it, so be it. But I feel like I only wanna showcase that side only after she knows my strength as well. And that strength is not only in apparent assertiveness, but my ability to be vulnerable without apologizing for it, without me trying to hide it, without me allowing myself to feel shame for it. And all of this is true, at least on a deeper level. There may be shame and guilt and insecurities that I come to encounter, but on a deeper level, there is a certain spirit that is able accept and own up to and speak out without any shame that this is who I am, and if you don't like it, so be it. And I know I have that strength too. It just requires me to accept that I can't expect perfection from others, but that despite of that, I am still willing to love and appreciate them, and I am willing to try and see if I can make it work whlst at the same time not forsaking my integrity. I am willing to draw boundaries and say 'No!' if I feel like they are taking it too far. I have that too, and I will use it where appropriate.

Saturday January 25th Just went to a public sauna. I noticed that it triggered some things in me. Seeing many naked women makes me feel in a way uncomfortable. I suppose it still has to do a lot with sexually repressed energy. I also felt a bit uncomfortable glancing at myself in the mirror. I have a bit of a pot belly. Seeing the other men there, I am certainly not the only one, and I certainly don't have the biggest belly, but of course you have the tendency to exaggerate your own imperfections, or what you judge as 'imperfections'. And I also noticed that I started judging myself for not wanting to confront the cold water there. I really don't come for the 'official' sauna routine. I am just there to chill and relax a bit in the hot tubs. I have for some reason a bit of fear for cold water. I don't like the idea of for instance jumping (or even stepping) into a cold pool at all. Only the idea makes me feel really uncomfortable. I can only imagine what drowning in an icy lake must feel like... I don't even want to imagine. As a form of retribution for what I felt to be some form of cowardice, I stepped into one of the cold showers. The interesting thing was that it wasn't even a matter of gathering courage. For some reason, I found myself just hauling straight into it with no hesitation. Probably because I wasn't trying to make it a challenge or a goal, but it was more of a deeper sense of responsibility. It's interesting because I'm not very used to overcoming challenges like that. in the past, I usually had to spend many many minutes gathering courage, sometimes even surpassing the hour mark on rare occassions. I can pride myself in the fact that in the end I always did it, but such situations were totally different than this sort of no-mind, no-hesitation form of just hauling myself straight into it. I guess the only way I would've been able to do that if it was coming from a deeper place. And it's not to say that I was very courageous because I did that. You are courageous if you overcome a challenge despite of your fears or anxieties. In this instance, in the moment itself there wasn't as much fear —certainly not enough to stop me in my tracks— so therefore you can't say that there was that much courage either. Honestly, it may also have had to do with the fact that at that same moment there was a pretty girl also in that shower and I didn't want to look stupid or otherwise creepy by hesitating and dabbling in front of her. Thinking about it, I probably would've dabbled or hesitated if it wasn't for her presence. This whole trip to the sauna got me thinking about my warriorhood. The sexual frustrations and disturbances got me thinking about if I perhaps should work harder at dealing with them. The pot belly got me thinking about why I am not going to the gym anymore/more often. The fear of cold water and my initial unwillingness to deal with it reminded me of my cowardice. And it all got me thinking about what has happened to the warrior in me. What happened to this guy, thinking primarily about 2013, who used to push himself to the limit to try and approach a girl, pushing thorugh massive amouns of approach anxiety. The guy who tried to force himself in very painful leg positions whilst meditating because I thought I had to. The guy who never accepted a cowardice choice as an option and who had military discipline on some matters. What happened to that guy? Of course, I have gained a lot of wisdom in between now and then. I have come to understand that just because you are being 'courageous' and challenging yourself, that it's not always the right thing to be doing. But sometimes I miss that warrior, and I wonder where he's at. Sometimes I long for him, because I become somewhat ashamed in indulging so much. Is it true that he's truly gone? Well, not really. I use my warrior for instance to basically force myself to brush my teeth right before sleeping where I rather just doze off into a comfortable slumber, or to get up whilst I'm still sleepy because I have a certain appointment. I have also used my warrior lately to create a structure of trying to practice guitar and singing every single day at a certain time (something I've stopped doing again recently). And also some time ago, like 1-3 months ago, I also used that warrior to take up certain challnges for myself with a to-do list. He's not gone, but he wants a proper amount of rest. He only wants to act if he really feel like acting up is the right thing to do. It's about conviction. If I can't convince myself fully that I should do something, then there is just no way it's going to stick, or even get started. For instance the idea that I should be working out... Well, I can do it, but with what energy? With what motivation? I can tell myself a story about how it would be good for me, but I know I have counterarguments that can be equally convincing as why I shouldn't do it. And even if the reasons seem solid enough to not doubt it (which I feel rarely every happens anymore, if at all), then still argumentation alone does not provide enough power of conviction for me to be able to be sold with the idea and to actually get myself to do it. I've talked about it before, that there needs to be a certain space, a certain opening for me to be able or willing to do it. There has to be some form of intrinsic motivation, some energy that comes from deeper. If the energy comes from the (ego-)mind alone, it's not enough. It has to hit something deeper, otherwise it just won't go. Yeah, so I have a pot belly, I'm maybe slightly fat, but at the sauna complex I realized that I just really need to stop judging myself for it. I am what I am. Call it fat, or chubby, or call it whatever you want. But I realized that taking another glance at the mirror as if the chubbyness was suddenly going to disappear if I were to look again or something... That doing that wasn't going to serve me anymore at all. I don't know why I have allowed myself to judge myself in the mirror that way for so long. So at the sauna complex, I just started using this 'stop-technique' to stop the momentum of me wanting to judge myself for that, and I really wanted to make a start at just completely letting go of needing to have any particular body whatsoever. For me it also helps to see if I can get some rational argumentation as to why being a bit chubby or having a good-sized belly may perhaps not be so unhealthy after all. I have an intuition that being a little bit chubby or having a big belly may not be so unhealthy after all. In fact, many great sages have far from a lean, muscular body. You can take for instance a look at the body of sri ramana maharsi. Not particularly a very impressive shape that he has. Yet, he is seen as one of the greatest saints that has ever lived, living in deep peace and bliss with existence. And I feel that for instance the laughing buddha statues, of a big, fat buddha, also depict that being fat is not the same as being imperfect. Having a big belly feels to be a bit more sensual. It also feels to me that it makes me a bit more centered, a bit more grounded. I haven't been able to find proper scientific research on this so far or even empirical documentation or even suggestions (to be fair, I haven't searched that deeply), but I feel like it holds some truth to it. I have that intuitive sense. I don't think being lean and muscular or otherwise skinny and stuff like that means that you necessarily have a healthier body. Or otherwise, it may not be worth the struggle in trying to get it. I may hit the gym again, but I think the main priority now should be to stop trying to live up to a certain body ideal, and just feel more into what my body desires intuitively. Part 2 (Later edit): I'm getting a bit frustrated with this whole dating and tinder thing... The thing is... it appears that women generally have very little openness and willingness to yield for dating a man who expresses his sensitive and vulnerable side right off the bat. It appears that generally speaking women desire to date a man who seems powerful and strong and assertive. And it puts me in a bind... Because I feel like I have the capacity to be strong —especially when it comes to protecting boundaries— but at the same time I don't feel pleasant with the idea that I were to express only the side that women would like to see. This R. woman I had been talking about some time back, this 37-year old... Well we have been continuing our conversation. She's been a bit slow with responding, partially because she is/appears to be busy, but she has been responding and I gotta give props to her for always getting back at me. Only so far she has not shown a real eagerness to meet, or she at least hasn't as of yet agreed to my proposals to meet up. One thing she mentioned was the she appreciated my authenticity and that with this authenticity I would much easier attract other women. And I didn't like that comment, because I feel like it's not true. In fact, I think such advice can be very harmful to men. Women from a biological standpoint are not sexually attracted to sweet, sensitive souls. I had some gay fantasies last week (yes I know, that's a curveball, right?), and in those fantasies I fantasized about being the submissive male. I got some enjoyment out of the idea that I was the one that would fully surrender and yield into the desires of others. I wanted to in a way feel like I was the woman in the situation. And with those fantasies it became also clear to me that the idea of encountering a man who was insecure and a sweet sensitive soul, wasn't going to be an appealing idea at all. I wanted a man who would be very assertive and would know how to take charge and lead. I get that women want the alpha male. I feel like there certainly is some alpha male within me. I feel like that's authentically somewhere a part of me. At the same time, I don't want to hide the fact that I am insecure about some matters. I really value open and honest communication with one another, in which we don't play games and we have nothing to hide and we still respect and love each other despite all of it. When I initially opened up tinder for the first time in a long time a couple of months ago, I created a profile that had the profile picture that I have now on this forum (it might be a different one at the time you're reading this, basically the profile picture to my idea represents me showing power and strength with my facial expression and my somewhat fierce gaze), and that profile picture alongside a description that I wasn't interested in women not wanting to respond to me ("if you're not willing to respond to me, please swipe left"). I took a very firm and assertive stance there. And in this way, I got quite a couple of likes and eventually matches also. And now I have created a profile in which I show a (first) profile picture which doesn't look as strong and powerful as the one I'm using here on the forum right now, and a description that is less assertive and shows a bit more sensitivity, and now I don't seem to be getting these likes anymore. And neither profiles are necessarily inauthentic. They're just different parts of me All of this just puts me in a certain conflict... I don't feel like being very open and honest is in my case rewarding, because I also have to open up about my insecurities and women don't feel attracted to a man who doesn't showcase strength, but at the same time it's like I almost can't help myself but to be frank and sincere about the fact that I'm not just all that powerful all the time. So... Do I have to start playing a role to get my desires met? Again, I don't feel like taking on such a role is necessarily something that I would be unable to do (or perhaps I would be unable to, who knows?), but I don't want to feel like I would have to hide another part of myself —my sensitive, insecure side— in order to be effective. I want someone who accepts me for the totality for who I am, not just a part of me. I also strongly dislike the fact that many women appear to be so reluctant to just taking a dive into the deep and decide to meet up straight from the bat, without first trying to gauge what the other person would be like using online means. But that's my attitude. I don't like the whole online play because it is prone to so many projections and judgements. If we get to meet each other in real life, we will get a much better impression of each other and there wlll be no or very little margin for pretensions. Because I haven't really actually dated anyone so far in my life (except once over 6 years ago), my assessment of that I would be a lot more succesful meeting each other in real life, might be an incorrect assessment. I imagine that it would be far more successful than trying to attract someone online, but I don't really know this for sure because I don't really have the experience to be able to back up such a statement. And to be fair, when I said that I felt that many women are reluctant to taking that dive into the deep and are willing to instantly meet up, this also wasn't based so much on actual experience. I feel like from many years ago when I was still trying to date back in 2013 that this assessment was probably true, but I don't remember it so well anymore. But to be fair, I also was a much different person then. Basically I actually haven't really proposed to anyone to meet up right off the bat in a long, long time. I'm actually gonna have to try it like that. I will just write this: "Hey I don't really like all this online chatting thing. I feel like we can get both a much quicker and better impression of who we are if we were to actually meet up. How about we have a drink somewhere?" That would put my theory to the test. It may seem like I'm failing a whole lot in this trying to attract women thing, but honestly, there is not so much you can actually fail if you don't try that much. I am very slow in wanting to take action in this process. I have a match with a girl that I quite like on one of my phones, but I haven't contacted her because I had still been continuing the chatting process with this R. woman I had been talking about, and I just haven't felt the openness to be willing to contact this other girl as well. I just feel like there's a lot of inner work I have to do in between before I am willing to take the next step. I could be far more scrutinous and proactive in trying to date other women. I just feel like I need to take the time for it, and develop myself psychologically into it as well. I'm just going to have to experiment with it a little bit. I think it's probably best to be initially a lot more assertive and come across as strong, and once we get to actually meet that at that point I will also show that I have a lot more sensitivity to me. But I think it's important to show her first that I do have this masculine assertive power and strength, and that once she knows what I'm capable of, that at that point I will show my vulnerability. That's the way Elliot Hulse had put it: "Once she knows what darkness you're capable of, then, show your light" But... I might be deluding myself by saying that I do have this assertive strength and that I know how to use it. I might just be befooling myself. I know I have strength in defense. I know based from experience how to say "No!". I know how to protect my boundaries. I know how to be direct and sincere and even blunt. I am not shy to speak the truth as to how I see it, or at least I know I'm capable of doing so in the right circumstances. I know I have these powers within me, because I have used them before so I have the experience to back it up. But do I have strength in what you could call 'offense'? That basically means: Do I know how to take charge? Do I know how to lead? Am I capable of making decision for us both without being insecure about what she wants? Am I willing and capable of deciding the direction of our relationship? And even if I would be able to, would I want to do that? Would it feel appropriate? And if I don't want to do that (or am not able to), how will she react to that? These are all questions which are hopefully all going to be clarified in 2020.

Continuation of the previous post (typed only 10 days later lel) Until at some point whilst traveling back to the airbnb in Germany just over the border north of Basel (I had explored Basel that day), the thought suddenly came in that… What if it’s all just okay? What if committing suicide is not tragic? What if I stop saying to myself that it’s not okay to do it? What if I stop thinking of suicide as a failure of life? What If I completely give myself a free pass to be able to do it? And suddenly I realized that perhaps the idea that suicide was something to be avoided was simply not true. And this realization evoked such a tremendous feeling of peace and relief in me. I suddenly felt like there was absolutely no requirements for me anymore on at least the level of action that life required from me. I suddenly felt such an immense feeling of relief and elation, and… freedom. Yes, that’s what it was. Total freedom. The freedom to be and do whatsoever you want. The feeling that every possible outcome was totally okay. And the interesting thing is, with this feeling of elation and freedom and peace, then who the hell feels interested to commit suicide in that state? For what? That’s the great paradox. Total acceptance of the idea of suicide creates total peace, and in total peace, nobody is really interested in taking their own lives. That’s why I promote people accepting their suicidality. Not even so much because then they won’t commit suicide, but because then it will take them out of their suicidal struggles. They then will come to know what peace is, if they really fully grasp this realization. I have however heard of sages who choose suicide whilst being very conscious. Perhaps it’s just them being able to leave the body at will without needing to hang or shoot themselves or whatever, but it’s the same concept. There may be a way to choose your own death that does not involve or is based on a lot of despair. But for one to have this realization that I had, one has to let go of many assumptions. 1. One has to let go of the assumption that you would do harm to friends and relatives. You do harm them, but that does not mean that that harm would be a wrong thing if you look from the perspective of the absolute. It may trigger existential questioning in them which would help them to evolve quicker on their own path. 2. One has to let go of the assumption that you would face some kind of punishment for committing suicide, or that it otherwise would be a bad thing. I’m talking about either the creation of karmic debt, or the idea that religion has about ending up in hell. 3. Related to the point above (but not the same), one also has to let go of the idea that committing suicide is a wastage of life and therefore some form of sin. I don’t think I really wanna talk about why the idea of something like a geographical hell is totally irrational and how it has been used to manipulate people by invoking fear in them. I feel like this doesn’t require too much deep introspection, research and contemplation for one to come to the insight that the idea of hell is very much based on fear instead of truthfulness. But the idea that you would face karmic punishment or that otherwise just the general attitude that committing suicide is some form of sin or wastage, is one I want to address. From an atheistic standpoint, if a moment is all that one would be, then why should it matter if it ends sooner or later? There is only sentimental attachments to life, but no real valid reason as to why one shouldn’t be able to commit suicide. Atheists may get this sense of being a failure or having ‘wasted’ their lives if they commit suicide, but this idea doesn’t really hold much ground. It’s more about the story they tell themselves about what suicide means. But in reality, it holds no true ground. And even if you’re a failure for ending your own life, then simply be a failure. What does it matter if you’re a failure or not, taken in the perspective that you are literally nothing n comparison to the infinite scope of existence. What does one more failure really signify? One may come to take the sentiment of not wanting to hurt others again, but again, just because they are hurt by your suicide, doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t necessarily be for the greater good, as it provokes things and puts pressure to evolve on people. And for the one that believes in reincarnation, karmic punishment or retribution or whatever… Well, taking in the scope if the totality of existence… Why do we suffer in the first place? Why would we struggle in the first place? Is putting an end to suffering —the whole wheel of suffering throughout the reincarnations— as quickly as possible really the ultimate ideal? Do we just experience suffering to get rid of it as quickly as possible? Then why are we here experiencing suffering in the first place? That is even assumed that there would be some karmic drawback to committing suicide, and that it additionally would increase the total sum of suffering you would come to experience throughout your incarnations. And do we really know that that is true? Perhaps when one commits suicide, one chooses to do so because one sees the circumstances in his current incarnation (on an unconscious level) as unfit to continue with that incarnation, and therefore chooses to commit suicide so one can choose once again to reincarnate in a different set of circumstances that would be much more ideal for the continuation of his/her spiritual development. Possibly suicide can even be a wise choice to make. Who knows? But I don’t except most people to be able to have the realization to the same extent that I had because most people are too attached to some assumption or judgement about what suicide means for them, and what suicide means n the larger context of things. For most people, I think I would clarify to them both what valid reasons there can be to take their own lives, and what reasons there can be to fully commit to life, and then I would allow them to make the choice. I think for most people in a suicidal position, it requires a commitment and a very deliberate act of will to get out of it (in whatever way they choose to get out of it). For some other people, it may require them to very deliberately try to fully accept all of their circumstances and their negative feelings and just make ‘trying to let go and accept’ their practice. I feel almost tempted to call them the ‘power of now-people’. Of course, trying to let go isn’t the same as actually letting go, as they may not be able to actually fully let go through insight and realization, but it may take them further along their path. For some other people, perhaps their appropriate primary focus is doing a lot of introspection and contemplation about what it all means, what’s life all about, how suicide fits into the picture… They perhaps need some time to ‘figure it all out’, to really think about the most fundamental questions of existence. And once again for some other people, they simply fully understand the insight that I had had when I was in/near Basel in Switzerland in 2018. They realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with suicide. These people come to experience that if there is no reason to fear death, that it simultaneously allows them to fully dive into life also without any struggle. Life opens up to them. One can only be fully alive if one has fully let go of either the desire or fear of death. People who on some conscious or unconscious level either desire or fear death (usually both), can never come to know what it means to be fully alive. Granted, this realization that I had in Switzerland isn't something that became fully embodied on a permanent basis —I'm certainly not fully enlightened yet (if ever)— but the realization did have a tremendous impact nevertheless and it is probably the most impactful insight that I've ever had.