Nightwise

A discussion with Adyashanti would be super interesting. Adyashanti is one of the most open-minded and sober people I've ever seen. Perhaps even the most sober person I known who at the same time also has a very intimate connection with spirituality. A dialogue between you (Leo) and Adyashanti I think would be incredibly interesting and valuable. However, I practically don't see this happening so quickly even for the fact that both you and Adya aren't really known to host or publish interviews on their own channel. Unless you (Leo) are willing to put these interviews on your own channel. Honestly though, if there's anyone you could have a deep and meaningful conversation with someone who's extremely open-minded, has an intimate connection with spirituality and at the same time is also very stable, grounded and down-to-earth, it would be Adya. If you could and want to make it happen though, make it happen. Please, I beg you

Oh that would be super interesting. I know Leo has some years of experience with doing Pick-up so there's almost no way he doesn't know RSD and Owen. I know Leo has critiques again the mainstream PUA community, but Owen himself has also evolved a lot over the years and has actually steered away from Pick-up for the most part, but what he does still teach about pick-up is usually a whole lot more holistic and compassion-based, with an emphasis on win-win situations. Later edit: actually looking at Owen's video's again it does indeed seem like he's talking about game and pick-up a whole lot more now again, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I don't have a critique against Pick-up itself I just have a critique of people who do it out of pure selfishness with some kind of win-lose attitude (but even this could be a necessary stage to go though to evolve, so I don't even judge it too much)

Second This. Oh totally

You can indeed write down the narrative you want to examine or disprove before you get the correct reference experience for seeing that that thought indeed is not (always) true. It's funny that when you ask it now I can't even remember that well how I have been doing it. You can also do it afterwards, meaning that at the moment you are conscious that a certain narrative isn't true at that moment or does not feel to be as true, whereas you know that in the past it used to be, then you can make a new entry at that moment. One tricky thing with this technique is that it doesn't work that well if you're actively looking for evidence. Instead, you wanna let go and let the right moment come into your life spontaneously at a particular moment, uncreated and unanticipated. If you are actively looking to find counter-evidence, then this seeking energy will create more tension, and this greater amount of tension will make it so that it becomes a lot more unlikely that you will find yourself in a spontaneous moment where some kind of narrative or neurotic tension isn't present at that moment. On top of that, what I've noticed is that if you weren't seeking or actively looking out for it and it suddenly occurs, if you then write it down it also registers a lot better. It doesn't just register better because you write it down (though that also helps a lot), but if it happens spontaneously there is a greater sense of clarity and with that also a greater sense that it is indeed true that the narrative you had isn't true at that moment, and therefore it locks a lot better into your subconscious. And as far as your last question is concerned: No, because the intention of this technique is to detach from narratives you are bothered by, and you already know the fact that a particular narrative you find yourself attached to is bothering you. Therefore there isn't really a point in writing that down. Yes, it sometimes occurs that indeed that narrative is true at a particular moment, but the point is that you can make yourself more easily believe that it doesn't always have to be that way and thus find the moments where indeed it isn't that way. Or in other words, you get a greater sense of confidence in the age-old saying "this too shall pass", as sometimes the ego-mind likes to doubt that, even if that doubt is subconsciously (and because it is subconscious finding (counter-)evidence can really help.) However, you can indeed also make a separate notebook where you write in evidence for yourself for things you actually want to be true. For example: If you're setting up a meditation habit for yourself, you note down the moments where you have found yourself really being benefited by the meditation (even if the meditation itself wasn't pleasant). I for instance some days ago was feeling very restless, stressed and uncentered, and I was thinking of calling off the band that evening which I have rehearsal with every week, and then I started meditating for one hour and after that hour I noticed that I was feeling a lot calmer and that I was ready to go to the band that evening and I didn't feel tempted anymore to call it off. I then alter that evening wrote down that experience and that confirmed to me that meditation was actually something that could be really helpful whereas before I was sometimes doubting that I was befooling myself thinking that meditation did anything good for me But this would be a different notebook you would use for that. So this notebook is then called: "evidence", for things I want to be true and also to a certain degree things I find to be true which I don't necessarily want to be true, but I would only write down the latter if you're willing to face the fact that you find something to be true (at least for that moment) which you didn't really want to be true or take responsibility for if you're ready to make changes according to that fact. For instance, if you notice that eating a particular food or doing a particular exercise or being in a particular environment or whatever helps you to be more clear or to feel better, it could mean that now you're gonna have to face the fact that you're gonna have to make changes to your lifestyle in order to align with these new facts or evidence if feeling better is a priority for you at that moment. And sometimes that can be a bit too much. For myself, I notice that I'm still much more wanting to go in the direction of detaching and not changing or manipulating anything and just going with the flow of my feelings. And if I try to change or manipulate my life's experience by trying to do certain things to make me feel better based on logic, evidence and facts, I notice this creates too much tension and stress within me therefore at this moment the benefit does not outweigh the cost, and therefore I do not bother trying to investigate if a particular food helped me or whatever. I want to do such a thing intuitively and not logically at this moment still. I even do this with food that normally people would label as 'unhealthy'. As long as I feel good eating it and there's no inner conflict whilst consuming this particular type of food, I genuinely feel like it's a responsible and correct choice for me to make at that moment. But alas, I got a bit sidetracked too much. So I name the one notebook I've just mentioned "evidence", and then the other notebook which we were initially talking about it called "counter-evidence", for things or narratives I'm attached to which I want to detach from.

Actually I got some quite valuable technique to share for this. Just one example: Consider you want to trust the fact that you don't have to force yourself in order to make changes in your life. You want to be able to let go and trust that the time will come where such a movement will arise naturally and spontaneously, which is not something you have to do by force but something that is acted upon from a place of empowerment. Perhaps maybe some discipline is indeed going to be required, but even this discipline has its roots in the domain of power rather than the domain of force, which is the domain where you becomes tense and fragmented. One part of you wants to believe and trust that indeed this is true, another part of you is anxious and skeptical and worries that maybe you are just befooling yourself, and you really should just give yourself a kick under the ass. But you don't want to give yourself a kick under the ass, because you want to relax more in life and not be so anxious or neurotic that if you don't force yourself to change, you will stay in the same undesirable pattern or situation which you had been in. In such moments, it can be hard to 'just trust' that the right moment will come on its own. Life experience and doing more and more inner work will help you to come to that place of trust more easily, but you can aid yourself in this a little bit. I'll tell you how. Get yourself a notebook. Preferably A4 size rather than A5. On every page of the notebook write down the page number manually in either the top-corner or the top-right corner (always on the outside rather than the inside, horizontally speaking) until you get to the end of the book. On the first page, make an index. Simply write down 1 until the number of pages the notebook has on every line. I'll take 85 as an example. I believe an A4 sized notebook may have around 30 lines, so on the first page you have 1 to 30 numbered, second 31 to 60, third 61 to 85. So the idea about this notebook is about keeping track and by becoming aware and getting insight in your own personal experience you will get to dismiss the myths and stories that your ego-mind fabricates and gets attached to that would make it easy for you to be fearful or neurotic or depressed about something or whatever, making it difficult for you to trust and let go. So this is the way I do it: So with the example that I gave, about wanting to trust that (meaningful) changes can be made without needing to force yourself, but instead waiting and trusting that the right moment will come. Write down the summarized version of the narrative on the top of any given page (except for the index). Just an example: page 34. Then you write down at the top of page 34 these words in quotation marks: "I need to force myself to make changes otherwise no meaningful change will happen" or "I can't trust that important changes can't happen on their own. I need to force myself if I want them to happen". Also, write down this statement at number 34 on your own index that you had created at the beginning of your notebook. And then, throughout the time, become aware of moments where these statements are not true. Then, write down these moments where you got evidence that the narrative that you had written down turned out to be not true at that moment on the corresponding page in your notebook, in this example on page 34. Also put a date stamp in front of what you're going to write. You then will get evidence that the myths that your own ego-mind had fabricated are simply that: myths and stories, not based on reality. An example of what you could be writing down: "26-04-21 (or 04-26-21 for you Americans): Today I had finally come to take action towards sending an application for that volunteer work organization I had been wanting to become a volunteer of after postponing it and feeling a lot of resistance towards taking that step for weeks now. I noticed today when I took action, that this resistance wasn't present anymore and it felt just like something natural to be finally sending this application" You could just be remembering that moment and trying to imprint in your memory and hoping that by remembering it it will work sufficiently enough for you that you can keep that faith or trust, but by writing it down you not only get access to a method where you don't need to put all of those memories into your head as you just have it on paper, but by writing down it also registers much better into your system opposed to if you just tried to remember it in your head alone. On top of that, any time you need a little bit of trust where the trust you have inherently doesn't seem to be there, you can always just take your notebook for reference and read a moment where this thing you had difficulty having trust in that it could be true actually turned out the be true on an occasion in the past. People may say "trust is all you need", and indeed it is true that the more life experience you get the more you will get this natural trust, but your ego-mind tends to be very tricky and sticky and it can definitely help to become more aware and conscious of some direct evidence alongside trying to develop a more non-evidence based inherent trust in life. So I say have both, both trust and evidence, as there is only a degree as to which natural trust can reach without having the evidence or the memory of the evidence.

I would start with yourself instead of focusing on loving the other, or feeling love from the other. Personally it has never been my focus to give or receive love from others. I always tried to focus accepting (which is loving) myself, and by the process of doing that for years I have become much more chill towards myself, and because I have become much more chill and accepting towards myself I have pretty much automatically also become this towards other people. I actually never thought of it as "loving" myself but just as accepting myself, and letting go of many neurotic and disserving thought patterns and behavioural patterns. But that's basically the same thing as coming to love yourself. I think that many people regard love as some kind of warm and affectionate behaviour. The way I usually express love is not so much through this jolly warm-hearted emotivity, but rather through paying attention and being sensitive to the needs of others, by not judging others and accepting them as they are, by inviting them in, by listening, and by being conscious and attentive of what their needs are at the moment. Love can be very subtle and inexplicit as well. And ultimately, to answer the question in your title... Ultimately what self-hatred is is becoming identified with a thought and/or emotional pattern. You entertain certain ideas as to why you would not be worthy, not be deserving, not be capable... whatever. What helps is to realize that these things that you judge and even punish yourself for in the first place have occurred not because there is something essentially faulty with 'you', but just because you weren't conscious enough to unify and heal the different parts within yourself, which then acted themselves out in a way that was unholistic which you came to judge and hate yourself for later on. In other words: The 'you' that 'you' hate is in fact a judgement about the emotional-psychological-physical system which is not you, yet you mistake that system to be you, concluding that you hate yourself. That is not correct. There is no 'you' hating 'you'. There is only an ego hating itself. You are not this ego, so therefore, neither the ego that is being the judge nor the ego and its actions that is being judged has anything to do with who you essentially are. In essence, you are merely the witness to this whole fool's game that the ego is entertaining itself with (even though it's not really so entertaining). You don't even have to try to stop hating or cutting or burning yourself, because by trying to do so you more than likely will get once again get usurped with the identification with the ego, as now the ego is trying to fight its own affects. When this happens, once again you will get sucked into the same old process. For all I care, go on hating or cutting or burning yourself, but be aware that it's in the end just the ego playing a game with itself. You might think that trying to stop either hating or cutting or burning yourself is what you need, but what you really is just to be a witness to the entire process instead of being the participant in it. If you can remain in the witness position, you'll be exactly where you want to be even if this process of self-hating or self-harming continues on the periphery for some time (as its both periphery relative to your essential nature as the witness).

Others have pointed it out already, but I'd like just to repeat or reiterate it in my own words: True acceptance has absolutely nothing to do with giving up on your hope or your ambitions, and it most certainly isn't about allowing your ego to trick you into believing that strengthening your identification with a narrative of hopelessness is the same as acceptance. In fact, these things are pretty much opposite. Acceptance, let-go, is about the present moment. It has nothing to do with thoughts, beliefs, stories in your head about the future. To say that "I accept that my life will always be this way" has absolutely nothing to do with true acceptance. It's just one of the ego's tricks that to get you to get more strongly identified with a narrative whilst you think you are doing the right thing or being spiritual or whatever. Acceptance has almost become an ugly word merely because of the misuse and misunderstanding that it has come with. True acceptance is first and foremost just letting go of the stories and narratives you tell yourself, and the way you do that is by witnessing the narrative and not going along with it. Another way to express acceptance as is just allowing everything to be exactly as it is, here and now. NOT then and there, because then and there don't really exist except as a projection in your mind. Not much can be said about 'Then and There' because the future is unknown and the way you will change throughout the years is unknown. So don't limit yourself by saying "I will never be able to do that". You have much potential and many things can most likely will change for the better throughout the rest of your life. In fact, things most certainly will change for the better if you refuse to settle for the narrative that 'I can't do it'. It depends on you. Acceptance is that capacity just to be whatever occurs in the present moment, without judging or wishing it to be different. That can be quite hard, and sometimes it may seem like it's not working very well or even at all, but still, it's certainly worth exploring because the deeper you develop that capacity to just be with whatever is, the deeper you will be able to see that as long as that capacity is present, you don't really need to make any changes at all in your life in order to be at peace, nor do you need to feel better, because acceptance is not so much about the experience itself that would change, but your relationship to the experience that changes. Of course, even though I'm saying you don't need to make any changes to feel peaceful whilst you're in that state, which is true, I'm not saying that you shouldn't make changes to your life. In part, because make changes to your external life and your psychology can help you come into contact with that state more easily. But I can also understand that sometimes certain narratives that float around in your head can be quite sticky, and that sometimes with all the best efforts you give in order to try and let go of it, they can still remain dominant and overwhelming at times. That's why at the same time I would also encourage you to investigate if the stories and narratives that you hold to be true or that you are attached to, if those stories are actually true or if they are just in the end just some narrative that you picked up somewhere. Mainstream society usually isn't particularly helpful dismantling these hopeless kind of narratives in a deep and profound manner. Because I'll tell you one thing my friend: None of the stories about why your future or your case would be hopeless are true. I don't care what traumatic past you had, I don't care how long you've suffered from mental illnesses, I don't care how old you are (oh, how much people limit themselves by thinking that they are too old to make changes), I don't care what kind of physical or neurological or mental or whatever handicaps or limitations you may have... There are always ways in order to not only proceed but to create a fulfilling life for yourself; Whether this is through the pathway of Self-acceptance, or the pathway of Self-improvement (or both). So also go contemplate if those stories about 'you being doomed' are actually true, both through thinking about the question and also investigating through your own experience inasmuch the narrative holds up to your actual life experience (this can be done by paying extra attention to the moments where this narrative is not true or does not appear to be true, and noting those moments down). You can also seek stories and examples from other people who may have believed the same kind of hopeless narratives as you did in the past, but overcame them anyway. Beware however of the tendency to dismiss other people's stories because you think "they're not like me". Generally speaking, the more specific you want a particular life story to be, the harder it will be to find such a thing. Doesn't mean that the story has to be specific in order to be relevant to you, though. There are existential laws that are applicable to everybody, including existential laws related to healing and recovery. If you want an example of someone who has been down in the rut but 'got back up': Go watch the "get back up" documentary from Blue October here. I intend to seek more examples of people who have overcome a really dark and lengthy past in a spiritually mature way some time in the future. For that purpose though, you can also contact me personally if you want through a message on the forum, as I've gone through some rough shit as well so I certainly have something to say about that. I can't promise however that I'd be returning here to the forum to check my message center anytime soon.

Hey my friend, this is me from the future (relative to when I started typing). It seems like I felt like really going onto a lengthy monologue here, so if you don't want to read all of this but you do want to catch the essence of what I was saying, look for the TL;DR summary at the bottom of this post. I've heard spiritual teachers talk about how everything in life is perfection and all happens exactly as it should be, however this to you (and frankly, still to me as well) is simply some beatific sounding theories that really don't mean anything until you realize something like that for yourself. Last summer, I went through an extraordinarily difficult phase in my life of which this sense of meaninglessness of it all was one of its most prominent features. In particular, I couldn't make sense as to what good this suffering ultimately served, and that question really tormented me. Some nice theory I had read in a book somewhere or something wasn't going to suffice for that. When I was slowly getting out of this very dark phase in my life primarily during the fall of last year, I really sought help from people and organisations to get me back on track and get my mental health and really just my life in general in check again. I had never done that in my life before to the extent that I was doing that now; Not even close. I also tried very hard to find some kind of handhold to work on myself in my personal time by for instance trying out the Life Purpose course that Leo offers on this website, and journaling every day using the GLA(N)D- journaling method and trying to stick to that every single day (basically it's a sort of 'positive thinking' method, but one that's actually helpful and grounded in reality, instead of it being 'wishful thinking' of sorts. It really helps to redirect your focus from the negative and the problems in your life to a more empowering and positive focus and mindset. I personally added the N for 'Noticed' because I also found it helpful to write down some quality in myself or a situation that I noticed had changed in a positive way. Use this link for more information about the technique). What I started to notice especially when I started really talking to a couple of people (primarily; A therapist, a spiritual counselor, and first and foremost a person from an organisation of which every volunteer has a personal background of having dealt with mental health issues themselves), I started to notice that in these conversation, pouring myself out and opening myself up in ways that I had never done before and just telling them exactly what was on my mind and the struggles I was dealing with and had been dealing with, I felt from them a compassion, an understanding, an empowerment, and first and foremost this sense of connection I had so desperately missed. And somehow, coupled with still using that GLAND-method and paying extra attention to the sparse moments in which I did feel a little better, these better moments and particularly these conversations meant so much to me, and these things —at least in the very beginning of my recovery— is what gave my life a sense of meaning again. These few lights in the dark meant so much to me if this almost all-pervading darkness is all I had known for the past couple of months. When I was in my deepest moments of desperation, it didn't really seem like things would ever be totally okay again. I thought that this dark phase would have messed me up so much that I would never really fully recover from it again, or at least not for a long, long time. Surprised was I to find how quickly I could go from feeling absolutely alienated from life and hopelessly confused and divided to a place where I started to feel peaceful and connected again, both to myself and others. And I learned a couple of things about meaning. Logically, nothing really ever changed so much as far as meaning is concerned. I never had some grandiose insight into the absolute nature of reality understanding everything and why it was happening and understanding the perfection of it all... none of that. I neither found a good reason by doing deep metaphysical contemplation and philosophy that did it all for me. It is the sense, the feeling that changed. And paradoxically, at the same time a much greater detachment from the need to seek some kind of meaning or purpose. There are two ways to ask: "What is the point of life?". The first way is out of a genuine curiosity, not based out of fear or dissatisfaction, but just because you're genuinely curious and interested and like to contemplate about it. The second way to ask this question stems out of the feeling of, as I said, fear and dissatisfaction with life. You don't feel whole, you don't feel connected, and the mind is conditioned to want to find some resolution to that feeling of lack. So it starts to think. Depending on where you're at, you might either frantically try to grab hold of some theory you hope will be satisfactory enough to keep holding onto, or you might have already concluded for yourself that really there is no purpose to life, and you're asking the question not to get an answer, but more as an expression of frustration and hopelessness. I can very much understand from personal experience that it can be extremely tempting to try to 'figure it out' out from this place of lack, needing to find some resolution or justification for you being alive at all, for you to be here to begin with. I also very much understand from personal experience that no matter what logic or theory you come up with, it ultimately just doesn't remove this feeling of lack, inner conflict and separation. For me what ultimately did it was that I was too afraid to commit suicide, especially given the fact that I wasn't an atheist (and thus was unable to believe that suicide 'would end it all'), and that I just needed to go on with my life and try to make something out of it, even though at that point it didn't really feel as if things would ever be okay again or that it would be worth it in the first place. I had to go on, despite all the fears and hopelessness. Throughout the weeks and months as I kept going with that attitude, I started having conversations, I joined a 'depression group' where I could talk about my experiences, I found myself a care farm where I would be at 3 days in the week, I had multiple personal goals I tried to stick to (talked about this earlier, also tried meditating every day after some time), I listened to guided meditations and (at first) daily hypnosis sessions, I also started listening again to spiritual teachers, primarily Adyashanti, and his talks also really helped me to come to this to place of Trust, Surrender and Faith again. And ultimately this capacity for 'just doing the damn things that work and leaving out all the rest' was something that I never lost, whilst at the same time also starting to feel better and more connected to myself and others. The paradox is that this refusal or even moreso fatigue of wanting to figure it all out in your head much more easily and effectively will get you to that point where you will be able to abide non-reactively in the exact experience you're having at that moment. Then, there is no more subject or ego that wishes the present moment or the experience to be any different than it is. There will be no division anymore. Without this division, if the letting go is complete, you will find yourself being at peace with whatever is. This is complicated territory to explain in accurate terms, and honestly I question if I'm even capable of making sense of it logically even to myself, but I'm trying it anyways. To me, it is more about your relationship to your experience than even the peace or serenity that comes when you have surrendered to the present moment. In other words: even if no background sense of serenity or connectedness would come, it wouldn't be about that still, but it would be about just witnessing it and not reacting to it and not needing anything to be different. That to me, is primary. So as I said, the more you are capable of allowing all of your thoughts and feelings and experiences to be by not reacting to it by thinking about it or judging it, the more everything will naturally fall together, and any question of meaning at that point will just be meaningless (interesting play of words), as the need for meaning will only arise whenever you are not whole and connected to yourself. At the same time though, the more pressure from your mind, your emotions and your environment you come to encounter, the harder it will be to stay in that detached yet unified state (yes, they paradoxically come together). Interestingly enough, I in my personal experience encounter cycles between being able to stay very or relatively detached from my mind and my emotions even when my emotional-energetical system is really acting up, but also vica versa: when there is relatively little pressure from my emotional system but then I can already be quite discontent and reactive with fairly little negative emotions and thus creating a division in that way. Because it's not always as easy to stay detached from your mind and your emotions, this is why it is (amongst other things) important to explore spirituality both as a teaching and as an embodied practice (or exploration). Here we come back to meaning again. What spirituality is in essence is that it is the pursuit or endeavour in finding a connection with something greater than yourself, greater or more encompassing than your ego. In essence, this is really what all of humanity either consciously or unconsciously is doing. Most of humanity, however, seeks this 'greater something' outside of themselves in the relative world as a substitute for a lack of unity within themselves. The unfortunate thing here in the west is that many people now have identified themselves as 'atheistic' or otherwise see spiritual teachings and practices as something not worth pursuing either because it's invalid according to them, or just not important enough for serious consideration, usually just out of a unfortunate misunderstanding of what spirituality actually is, instead of what they are projecting that it is. Taking spiritual teachings seriously implies that you are open-minded enough to be willing to take seriously the notion that there is a source that is greater, deeper and wider than yourself that you can come to unify yourself with. The more you deepen your inquiry into spiritual teachings and your spiritual practices, the more your focus and aim in life will start to shift from trying to find that sense of peace and connection through external and indirect means, to seeking for that source of peace, love and tranquillity directly, instead of making countless alterations and adjustments in your day-to-day worldly life trying to find that feeling or sense. That's what spirituality effectively is good for: it shifts your focus from trying to find the meaning and satisfaction in the temporary and impermanent dimension of life towards the dimension of which this (sense of) meaning and satisfaction is always and already the case. You just have to learn how to connect and stay connected with it. So where was I getting at with this? I do have a tendency to stray off-course from the previous theme or subject I hadn't finished talking about. Ah, I remember. Spirituality makes you more cognisant that there is a deeper realm to life of satisfaction, love and peace which is not impermanent. It does not only have the capacity to provide greater peaceful or even mystical experiences whilst for instance reading or listening to spiritual texts or talks, or perhaps whilst doing practices or inner explorations (which you may not have come to do had you not given spirituality a serious chance), but it also gives you a more satisfactory and meaningful logical system to go by as opposed to the materialistic and atheistic paradigm in which everything that is not an organism is essentially dead and meaningless matter, which is here by chance, and so is the fact that we happen to be alive at this moment, but before we were here, we were nothing, and after we're dead, we're also nothing; gone. Therefore, atheists and materialists and such seek to derive their meaning from the external world in things such as: relationships, careers, social communities, material possessions, physical health, and at best: improving character attributes, improving mental health and fortitude, and doing (usually relatively shallow) philosophical inquiry. The thing is however, what have people who derive all their meaning in life out of these impermanent focus points have left when it all falls away? We see it happen all the time in the world: relationships fall apart, careers end abruptly, physical disease happens. Even if you've worked on yourself psychologically very hard you will still suffer from a lack of meaning that you will come upon when you or your wife slowly withers away from a terminal cancer; Unless you can make a spiritual connection to the situation you find yourself in —whether you're cognisant that it's a spiritual connection or not. If you have been consciously focusing on spirituality for some time at that point, however, this spiritual connection will be much more easily made to that situation, without your otherwise atheistically conditioned mind throwing objections in the way as to how it is all meaningless and this distracting you from that connection at every moment you do try to surrender and let it all go. I could type more, I wanted to type more, but I notice I'm losing my focus after hours of writing, and knowing myself I will not come back to this text later again to continue writing it, so I'm gonna put out my TL;DR summary quickly, and then I'll leave it be for now Yes, I know all of this writing was probably ultimately a lot more about me wanting to express a whole lot of ideas I had saved up instead of it being about really responding to the need of the questioner, but so be it. This is the way I wanted it for now. TL;DR summary As far as I've known so far in my life, I have not found any absolute meaning or 'point' to life as far as I can intellectually relate to it. However, it is important to realize that this whole search for 'meaning' in itself often (if it's done from a place of lack) is merely a distraction from the ego-mind to prevent you from directly coming into contact and unifying yourself with whatever experience you're having at the moment. Your inquiring about the point of life or generally just your resistance towards your experience of the present moment is merely a distraction for non-judgmental present-moment awareness to come forward. Paradoxically, once you let go of your need to find any point or meaning and come directly into contact with your direct experience of Being, you will find yourself connected with something greater than yourself, and that very connection is what will give you this sense of meaning and connection you had been searching for. You will not find this meaning or 'point of life' as a thought; At least not ultimately. But I do admit that (knowing that) you have certain structures and activities and coaches, therapists and friends to talk to and generally just things in your life to look forward to can be used as a temporary means to get yourself to a place where surrendering will become much easier for you. Things like these can help you connect and therefore reconnect with this sense of meaning, and from there on out with a more stable basis it will generally become easier to reconnect on your own. Meaning can be found through different means in the external world, with things like relationships and deep conversations, and things like contribution and having an ambition or a life purpose. Also seek out activities and communities that help you to connect more to life, and all of this will help you to feel better. Feeling better equals a greater sense of meaning in your life, as feeling and meaning are more or less synonymous. Be mindful of your mind objecting with thoughts like "But what's the point of all of this?" when engaging in activities that are supposed to make you feel better, as exactly that kind of thought is the thought that will trap you in preventing things from improving for yourself, and in thereby finding actual meaning So do things in the external world and also on a psychological or character level that make you feel better and more connected, and you will find a greater sense of meaning simultaneously with that. Along with that, see if you can also connect with this 'source greater than yourself' directly at times in between your activities. A guided meditation or hypnosis session from youtube or such may help with that, or perhaps a satsang or a spiritual teaching from a teacher you feel a lot for. Remember, meaning is feeling. But also, know that there is a capacity of just being the witness where you just are with whatever is, and where then the question of meaning is not relevant. And this is the ultimate; choiceless awareness. See if you can connect with that too, at times.

Sunday February 14th, 2021, 20:41 It's been almost 6 months since I last wrote here Much has changed, so much has changed since I last wrote. For the better, fortunately. I don't think I want to go really in-depth into it now, but I'm so glad that things are once again fine now. Last summer was honestly a horrible time. It was like a living hell for some time. My recovery from it however was surprisingly quick. I would say especially during September and October it was the time that I was recovering really quickly. I've began to see a therapist who has helped me a lot, who only now I'm starting to get doubts with whether or not I should continue. That's another story, however. I also started speaking with an... google translate says it's an 'experience expert', but that sounds silly. Basically someone who has personal experience with mental health issues who now acts as a guide for me. I have a really good connection with her which is really helpful. I also initially started working on a lot of personal goals. What I started doing (which I have now stopped for quite some months now, actually), was to write in a journal every day using what I called the GLAND-method. Originally it was called the GLAD-method, but I added the letter N The G stands for Gratitude; what am I grateful for today? The L stands for Learning: What have I learned today? The A stands for Accomplishment: What have I accomplished today? The N stands for Noticed: What did I notice or became aware of of something that had changed for the better? The D stands for Delight: What was a better moment during the day? coupled with using the GLAND-method, I also wrote down every day what happened during that day in general, just to keep a log of it. During early December I think, I started getting tired doing this every day, along with the GLAND method. I longed much more to enter a state of detachment, disengagement and a state where I just wanted to be in a free flow and not having the constrainments of feeling like I had to be doing something every single day. And I feel like I made the right decision there, dropping my discipline and routine there. It served its function, it really helped me to do that for some months, but eventually it had used up its function for me; at least for the time being. on top of doing all of that, I also kept up with something you could call a 'self-inquiry' map or binder of sorts. Basically it was a map where I wrote down many things that I was doing or noticing or thinking about. I started using this less too, but one of the interesting things I kept track of is basically things that now seems to have changed, that seems to be different than before last summer. I also wrote down things that I noticed that were different than before in a positive sense in order to keep track of the fact that things were indeed changing and/or improving, but there is a list of things that seemed to have changed more or less permanently. At first I was afraid to write them down because I was afraid that they would still happen to change at the last moment, but now I can be pretty certain that indeed these things have changed within me on more or less of a permanent basis. This I found really important to keep track of because during this mental breakdown last summer, I had this strong feeling that what I was experiencing was completely pointless and only made everything worse in my life and not better. To actually objectively log the things that were indeed changing was difficult to do because I was very afraid that I would find out that I would be disappointed and indeed nothing would have changed for the better, but I did take the leap of faith and I am thankful I did, as now I know the many things that this dark phase in my life, for a lack of better words, did change things around on the positive side in my life. Here I'll list some of these changes that I here translate, in order that I wrote them down in the map, meaning it's chronological. I also at some point started using date stamps I am being pushed to look at certain patterns of behavior which I otherwise would not have looked this deeply into because the pressure of suffering then wouldn't have been intense enough. An example is the investigation of what the effects that food could have on me which I otherwise would have felt too much resistance towards to even start such an investigation. I have become much more capable of maintaining a certain routine and structure in my life (note: currently this isn't so much more the case anymore, mainly just because I'm not very interested anymore in living my life in this way. However, even the fact that I did really stick to a certain routine, structure and discipline for literally months, is something that I have never ever done before in my life so in itself it's already a huge accomplishment, even if I haven't decided to continue doing it in that way) 26-10-20 (26th of October, European date stamps): I am much less interested in philosophy and the tendency to try and mentally resolve certain things I feel conflicted about. I just let it be and I don't really think about it anymore (indeed, still the case) 26-10: My resistance towards seeking help such as therapy or becoming involved in certain social circles has for a greater part dissolved (indeed, still the case as of 14-02-21) 26-10: Paradoxes and contradictions don't bother me as much anymore, and I am much better able to accept that different perspectives can be helpful at different times (indeed, still applicable) 26-10: I have noticed that I much more easily have conversations with people and I have become much more social. I am also more empathetic, a better listener and much more interested in people. I also feel significantly less resistance towards sharing my viewpoints and insights with others (all of this still holds true, though I do feel I am a bit less effortlessly empathetic and interested than I used to be some months ago) 26-10: There is much less this feeling that I am a 'special' and 'rare' person. (this is really significant. I used to feel like I was really cut from a different cloth. Whether this is the case or not, it certainly doesn't feel that way anymore. This is a good thing, by the way, a very good thing, because it doesn't make me feel isolated and separate anymore) 26-10: There's a much greater willingness to try out new approaches and attitudes towards life (at this moment, this isn't so much the case anymore because I've gotten complacent because I once again feel at rest and peaceful. Complacency not necessarily a bad thing, btw) 26-10: The question "who am I?" seems to bear more significance to me now (admittedly, now not so much anymore) 26-10: I have much less resistance and self-judgement towards distracting myself (I used to think that using distractions was something unspiritual and bad, now I realize I'm just human and it's okay at times to just use certain distractions if you need them at the moment. This lack of judgement towards distractions I would say still applies, but right now I am simply capable most of the time to surrender so distractions simply aren't necessary or even useful for me at this moment. But I don't judge myself if I have to) 08-11: There's a lot less confusion and doubt, and I make choices much more easily (as far as day-today choices is concerned, it's improved a bit, but as far as existential confusion is concerned, it's really improved a lot) 14-12: I am far more capable and interested social activities (nothing to add to that. This is absolutely something that is both very true and new) 14-12: I notice that I've become more assertive and I express my opinion much more easily (Yup. Although it's still possible that there are moments where I feel a bit more shaky and uncertain, generally this statement is very true) 14-12: I find it easier to express emotions such as enthusiasm or anger (yup) 14-12: I've become more open and find it easier to express to others my deeper secrets or feelings 14-12: I am a much better listener (certainly) 14-12: I've become much less insecure with singing (this is very true. I noticed it on the first band repetitions class back in September that I felt far less insecure expressing myself than I used to before last summer) 14-12: I respond far more spontaneously (lately I feel like this is a bit less, but I still think this is generally very true) 14-12: feeling the need to do 'shadow work' or 'energy work' does not distract me anymore when I am in social situations. (It can be so that I feel a bit cramped up and desiring to withdraw once I go to someone or a social venue, but once I am there I forget all about this resistance and just get into a flow, even though this resistance or cramp or whatever may still linger somewhere on the background, but I'm not focused on it. This definitely used to be different before last summer, where in this situation I really wanted to retreat to a toilet somewhere to do this energy work on myself) 14-12: I've become more shameless and more comfortable in regards to my sexuality, and I much more easily make sexual jokes or comments (this used to be something I was far more uncomfortable with) 20-12: I am much more capable to let better moments just come as they may without holding onto these moments or starting to think about how I am to maintain it or to get it back (this definitely used to be an issue) 22-01-21: The tic I used to have with my eyes has almost completely disappeared (I used to have a tic where I would roll my eyes, which would especially bother me once I would be the center of attention in a social situation. Oh actually, partially because of this, I am also much more comfortable being the center of attention in a social situation) 22-01: I've become a lot more comfortable with 1-on-1 conversations and contact (I used to find this really difficult; I found myself much more at ease in groups. 1-on-1 conversations or contact still isn't my strong point, but it definitely has become a lot better than it used to be) So how am I doing right now. Well... A lot better, that's for sure. Generally, I find myself being unconcerned and at peace. I am really just not preoccupied anymore with thoughts that say that life should be different than it is right now, that's the main thing. I really just don't think about it that much anymore, and I just take life as it comes. Sometimes I still worry a bit about the future; whether it's my personal future or the future of the world at large. But even this kind of worry is fairly uncommon and I am fairly capable of not identifying with this kind of thought and just saying to myself: "oh this is just what the mind does, It worries sometimes", and let it go with that. I could say more about what my current plans are with my life right now, but honestly, I don't feel much life doing that anymore at this point. By the way, much of the reason why I haven't written for this long in this journal is because I've switched up to a personal journal in a notebook and I therefore just haven't felt the desire to really write anything here.

Hi. Perhaps I'm finally willing to write about this. For the past couple of months I've gone very, very deep into suffering and despair. I had hoped I could never go this deep. I don't want to bother going into details, but it was really, really painful, and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. Things seem to be getting better now, but instead of feeling glad that I seem to be past the worst, I just feel pessimistic and negative about the future, and I feel a sense of abandonment and a background feeling of hopelessness. I used to much more feel or at least think that I was being guided and protected. I don't feel so guided and protected anymore now... Instead, I just feel very much left to my own device, with a mind that seems out of control in a very confusing world. I can't make sense of it. Some things seem to have indeed changed, or perhaps changed a bit, but even then it doesn't feel to be so significant if my mind still carries me along. I've heard recommendations about doing meditation, but I do this whilst walking because sitting still I get too confused, distracted or agitated. Beyond that, trying to meditate feels almost useless and pointless. I just seek guidance, honestly. My dream would be that I could seek refuge with a wise guide or guru that has been through similar experiences that I have been through where I can feel understood, protected and guided. Right now, I'm slowly crawling my way back up it seems, but I fear that it would only be building myself back up to have another breakdown again some time in the future. I've had mental breakdowns in 2013, 2017 and this year in 2020. The fact that there was only 3 years in between my current breakdown and the one in 2017, and opposed to 4 years between 2017 and 2013, that fact scares me. The fact that this breakdown was also deeper and more painful and basically got me so frightened that it broke down my integrity that I still felt like I could keep in 2017, that also really has scared me. I know the past may not need to determine the future. I know there may still very well be possibilities for me. I know you can also look at it in a way that instead of you falling down many times, you can also argue that you get back up every time. But this breakdown has so much shook me and traumatized me. I feel so weak, defeated and vulnerable. I used to think I was strong and capable enough to overcome the challenges that life threw on my path. I used to think I was capable of having a bright future further down the line. I used to have a lot more hope and faith. I don't feel that same way anymore... I feel defeated, pessimistic. I don't feel very much safe and guided anymore like I used to feel and think. I used to think there was a higher plan to everything... Well... I don't think I like that plan so much anymore and I don't really feel like surrendering myself to whatever plan there may or may not be. I wish I could say I had a lot of trust and faith in God. I wish I could say I could see a lot of value in this darkness that I've experienced. I wish I could say I was optimistic for my future possibilities. I wish I could say i feel like a changed and transformed person now... But I don't feel that way at all. I acknowledge that indeed some things have changed, or may have changed, but overall I just can't seem to really give any value to what has happened to me, and it only makes me feel pessimistic about the future. Well, this is at least how I feel about it right now. We will see how it proceeds, what may or may not start to form, but I really just want to make sense of what happened. Can you guys help me with this? Have you gone through a similair experience? Or do you have any perspective or advice on what has happened to me that you think could be helpful? How can I make sense of this? How can I start feeling something of hope and optimism again? How can I better give context to what happened to me? I wish I could feel it was all part of a greater divine plan, but what I feel is abandonment and as if I'm being left to experience suffering that is out of my control to do much if anything about it. Where do I go from here? Many thanks. Send me a private message if you want to. Otherwise, maybe you have some good autobiographies to recommend of people that I can read who have just like me also gone through some very dark phases and also managed to find their way through to the other side. I just need context, guidance, inspiration.

Sunday August 29th, 15:35 I would say things have been going a bit better previous week, but I must admit I still catch myself now just feeling very much opposed to any negativity in life. That's the feeling that I'm experiencing right now: I just don't want to have to deal with anything negative. But it's coming for a good part out of a place of fear. I want to escape, I want to resist. And this is not helping me to feel calmer. I was just at a place which is basically a living room for people with psychic vulnerabilities. They were talking about American politics. I could just not latch onto the conversation. It made me feel uncomfortable sitting there. I wasn't really so much interested in the topic to begin with, but I was also fearing it. Going to that location gives me different feelings for the different times I go there. Sometimes it has felt very relieving to go there, partially because I was able to just be able to speak about everything that was going on with me, other times other people were talking about topics I had no interest in being a part of. But I have noticed in the past that this perceived sense of separation I sometimes think I feel all the time, is not really something that is actually present all the time. There have been several occasions the past months where there were moments when suddenly I did feel connected to other people, where I did have very good conversations with others and where I did really connect well and I didn't feel any distance between me and someone else, or at least barely. But this dark past few months have just been so overwhelming that now I just feel like a coward, to be honest. I feel, at times, just very afraid and I don't want to experience any negativity, neither inside or outside. I also still feel some trouble with the very fact that there is suffering in life to begin with. It's hard to let go of that, it's hard to let go and just live life, pleasant or unpleasant. It's difficult for me to get back to the same attitude I had before this breakdown, where I just accepted the worse moments and was willing to face my darkness and demons, and just be with it and let it pass and just trust in the fact that it would pass and things would get better, and beyond that that there was some greater sense of meaning to it. Now, I'm afraid of that and I'm reluctant to deal with feeling bad. I don't feel very courageous at all anymore. These past few months have really broken down my identity of me being a very brave and capable person. I just feel very weak and incompetent now. Somewhere I also know that this is part of the path, that nothing has gone ultimately wrong, but it's something that's very hard to swallow. I do start to feel a little bit better, but where do I go from here? It almost feels like I can never get the same amount of satisfaction again from the things I'm going to do in life. This may very well not be true, but it feels that way right now. But I do know for instance someone who has gone through a dark phase with hospitalization somewhat over a year ago who also has had a very dark past before that, who now is very optimistic and has very good energy. I had a talk with her last week, and she made me feel a lot better. It was delightful to know that despite, or maybe because of all the darkness she had gone through, she still was capable of being that kind of person. One of the things I'm encountering right now is that I tend to want to make everything big, that everything I do needs to serve some bigger purpose, like jogging, going to the gym... all those kinds of things. It's very hard for small things just to stay small things without me having to make it disproportionally big.

Sunday August 23rd, 21:48 There's some "NO!" within me, fighting the way I feel, even having made me consider suicide. But at the same time I feel this "NO" is something artificial, something that is not true to me. I feel exactly that right now if I'm just able to drop this "NO!", life right now will be completely fine. I don't necessarily feel bad right now, but there is this resistance, but yet I am aware that this resistance is not truly me, yet it's pervasive, yet at the same time I really just feel like I'm one inch away from being peaceful right now. I wonder where this "NO!" came from. It's not really... authentic. I actually don't feel like I need to do the opposite, which would be fighting for life or to stay alive. It's not an aggressive Arnold Schwarzenegger "YES!" that's required to come to peace, but more like a simple, easy kind of "yes". It's a "yes" with a playful kind of attitude, a "yes" that does not consider whatever experience happens to be there as undesirable. It's funny how I realize this, yet I can not as of right now embody that kind of attitude, yet I know I'm literally just one step away. I'm also becoming more aware of the way I create my reality by my own beliefs, how powerful your own expectation of how something is going to be actually creates your reality. Sometimes I forget that truth, and sometimes it's very clear.

Hello. Currently I'm really struggling. One of the things I found really difficult to come across is that some people say that mental illnesses never truly go away, only that there are phases of stability. I myself have so far suffered from phases where there is a lot of darkness. I seek some counter evidence that I don't have to come to believe in the notion that I would be a victim to mental illness or something like that, that it is something that can be overcome or at the very least you can create tools to much better handle any possible breakdown. One example that I know of is Justin Furstenfeld from Blue October. Do you guys have any more people to recommend in this regard, people who have suffered from mental illnesses for a longer time and have found the capacity to turn their lives around. I seek context, (auto)biographies, videos, stories and the like to be able to convince my mind of different perspectives, different possibilities and so forth

@kag101 Thanks for sharing your story Kag. I don't like the idea of it being able to return. Right now I just really want to find some story of someone who was able to overcome mental illness using willpower or determination or whatever. Perhaps we can chat privately. I really so much desire just some context to deal with what happened and the life situation I am in in general

I've bought the life purpose course really in a fit of despair. Because of my very messed up emotional state I was in at the time I bought the course, all I decided to was to just to watch one video per day and that's it. I'm slowly starting to get out of this pit and slowly starting to get more energy and capacities, but what bothers me about this approach is that just watching one video each day will take about 3 months, and all the practical exercises to figure out your life purpose course are only in the later parts of the course. But meanwhile, I feel very much depleted of any vision or mission and that really hurts me at the moment. I honestly kind of want to have the strong vision already but even if I do get to the practical exercises so I can get my life purpose concrete, even then it's complicated In which order and in which way I do it. Would it be an idea to already start making a shot at coming up with a temporary subsitute of a life purpose so to say, so I can already have a certain aim which will help me and energize me to be working on certain aspects of my life during these lonely, dreary days? Have you guys bought the course, and if so, what do you think?

that kind of reflects how I'm feeling right now.

By the way, don't think that I've not been journaling for the past couple of months when I was in a pit of sometimes deep despair. I have been, I just have been writing in a notebook as I haven't had the desire or energy to write here. Sunday August 16th, 18:32 The worst seems to be over now. I seem to be getting back to having better days now where this deeper fear of not having anything to do is starting to leave me, and I'm getting back to my old self. But somehow I don't like that. Because I have the wish to go to a newer, more evolved self right now. I wish I could say that now there's a lot of gratitude that things are getting better again. I wish I could say I feel a lot more compassionate. I wish I could say I can now appreciate the smaller things in life, and that I don't take better moments for granted anymore. But I don't feel that way... Instead, I feel bitter, resentful, pessimistic, negative. I also tend to be quite hard and tough on myself However I feel right now may not represent the way forward per se, but I am honestly a little bit startled by the fact that I feel bitter and pessimistic right now instead of grateful that things seem to be getting better. but perhaps I should take the way I feel right now not so personal. Really, perhaps it's quite normal to feel pessimistic and resentful after having been through something so dark Later edit (19:54): I do notice however the way suffering motivates. The previous thought or attitude of me being or feeling so pessimistic lead to be feeling depressed. Me feeling depressed suddenly gives me the drive to clean up my room, whereas if I had still felt the same as I did one hour ago, the idea of cleaning up my room would've come from the ego and it would not have had this deeper intrinsic motivation to it that comes from when there's more pressure from pain and suffering. That is something that I've noticed during the past couple of months. When things got really shitty, then out of nowhere some kind of impulse or strength could arise. I remember laying in bed some weeks ago feeling completely hopeless, desperate and depressed, and then suddenly I was just done feeling sorry for myself, I got out of bed, got to the gym, and just trained there for some bit, because I realized that staying stuck in my self-pity and sorrow just wasn't going to help. At other times, however, there is a wish or a desire to be doing some things or to be making changes but then the desire isn't centered or intrinsic enough and then the ego tries to do it but there's just not enough energy or intrinsic motivation to make that happen and you hit a wall. I'm starting to recognize the difference between when the ego wants you to change and when there's something deeper that wants to change or do something. Another later edit (23:00): This is something I notice time after time again. I had the idea in mind to practice a guitar song today which I hadn't gotten to, and then just watching a video of the life purpose course today (which I intend to do every day), it pushed me over that point where I decide to indeed just go ahead and do it, and what I then find is that there's an initial resistance against pushing myself past that point to just get going with it and also resistance where I have to learn something completely new and search up new ways to do something or figure new things out, but once I just get to that and just do it, I notice it really isn't all that bad and I actually have some fun with it, plus I get a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction about myself, including the fact I have finally practiced the song well enough for me to feel justified to have recorded and and to have put it online, which I will now share a link of: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFb9TU88sTk It's not great, but it's good enough for the place that I am in right now.

Warning: Do not read this if you're very vulnerable to negative suggestions and ideas like myself. It can potentially really mess with you. (I know this may be asking Adam to not pick the apple from that one tree he wasn't supposed to pick from, but just don't read it if you feel vulnerable) Hi I'm in a vulnerable position right now. I'm going through what you could call a 'dark night of the soul'. I tend to really catastrophize. A spiritual teacher called Shunyamurti has expressed something like that he says that things are only going to get darker from now on, and that we are at the end of a specific time cycle called 'Kali Yuga', and that the world will come to chaos in which people will be forced to suffer their karma until they have repaid all their karmic debt. (although there's also the perspective of you 'awakening through karma', that you can become awakened or enlightened yet still have karmic debt to repay, as karma is not the same as consciousness or awareness) Perhaps that's not literally what he has said and I've filled in some of the blanks in my own fears, but I of course don't like the prospect of the world becoming a darker and darker place, and I especially don't like the prospect like I would be some kind of victim to my own karma. I'm sick and tired of feeling like a victim, and I want to feel like I have the power to take up my own responsibility and instead of being a victim I can become a person capable of rising to the occasion of his own circumstances and face the challenges of life with integrity, surrender and courage. There's some hope in that there is light appearing the darkness. Some spiritual teachers that I see that radiate peace and love. People turning more towards spiruality, and so forth. But as of right now I'm in a lot of pain and suffering, and with these kind of emotions there comes a lot of fear in regards to catastrophic or dark kinds of thoughts and images in my mind. I'm starting to become okay with the possibility that there's going to be a lot of suffering in my life, but I want to be able to rise to the occasion and not be a victim to it. I want to belong to the group that chooses to awaken. Thank god there are at least examples here on earth that represent a higher possibility. What do you guys think about this? It's really tough sometimes to let go of some of my catastrophic thoughts about the future. Whatever may or may not happen in the future, I'm tired of feeling like I'm being held hostage by my own mind and my own dark thoughts and fantasies. I used to be able to have a lot more distance from my thoughts, but right now I often just can't seem to let go of them. Shunyamurti also proposed that Costa Rica was going to be the safe haven on earth whilst the rest of the world suffered destruction and chaos. If this were to be true, this also makes me think: what about those who are born in circumstances that they won't be able to make it to Costa Rica, or what about those who are trapped in prison. This almost feels like some kind of black-or-white scenario. Either you make it to the promised land or face your downfall. That just doesn't seem right to me. I don't like this idea of things being a 'black-or-white' scenario. Either you face circumstances that are too dark, heavy and chaotic to get out of it consciously, you would have to face your karma and therefore be 'forced' to get out of the ego, something like an Eckhart Tolle awakening, or you would be lucky and 'make it to the promised land' and find circumstances that are light and uplifting enough to go through a conscious process of awakening. But that doesn't make sense to me, because what if you're a child who is already born in circumstances that are too chaotic for that child to ever become capable of even finding the means and resources to 'go to the promised land'? That just doesn't seem right to me This is one of the ideas that really messed me up the past couple of months. It makes me feel like I'm a victim unless maybe I make some desperate attempt to find a place where the circumstances are light and uplifting enough for me to awaken. But this kind of perspective doesn't sit right with me intuitively. I feel like that just doesn't make sense. It's too much black-or-white. Like either it's too late and you've passed the point of no return and now you will have to be forced to suffer until your ego is eradicated, or you are fortunate enough to find circumstances and an environment that will allow you to awaken without being dragged down by the heavy pull of chaos and suffering. But that idea just doesn't sit right with me because it would almost imply that you would need to make some desperate attempt to escape to another place and that that would fix all your problems. That just doesn't make sense to me. If the ground from which you precede is desperation, I don't really feel like you would be able to transform yourself no matter where you end up or try to escape to. That just doesn't make sense. I just don't want to feel like I am a victim and it is just really important to me to believe that suffering and pain has its purpose so I don't have to resist it or try to run away from it, because I notice that trying to escape suffering whether it's through internal or external means only makes things worse. I come to some degree of peace when I just let everything be no matter what the circumstances are or how I feel. What do you guys think about all of this? I really could use some perspectives to help me expand my mind on the situation. I really fear the future and what could be in store for both me and the world, and of course, as it goes, being fearful of the future means you suffer in the present. So I need to let go of that thought. Perhaps it could help to get some other thoughts or perspectives to give some counterbalance, or perhaps letting go can't be done with different kinds of thoughts, but nevertheless I choose to inquire about different perspectives and ideas that you guys may have about what scenario's or possibilities lay before me or us in the future. Many thanks in advance

Thanks @Nahm and @Zigzag Idiot. I'll consider and remember what you said about sitting meditation, Nahm.

August 15th, 17:06 I'm doing... a little bit better now I'd say. The heat wave in Europe and the Netherlands of the past ten days or so has been really tough on me. I really can't handle heat well. I tend to get very muggy and tense in my head. It's been quite a struggle, but really, so have been the past couple of months in general. My parents were also gone so I was home alone, and forms of day activities just didn't seem to be coming off the ground, even though I was trying to get them handled. I notice I'm still quite pessimistic and negative both about the future of myself and the future of humanity. I know this is more an emotional thing than necessarily a rational one. I'm just glad I seem to be coming out of the dark pit and I just hope that I will find that this dark phase has brought me a lot of new meaning into my life. I do notice some things have changed, like I'm willing to adhere a little bit more to structure, I'm more open to trying things and I tend to be more of a go-getter. I also just tend to push myself through my fears and resistances more than I did before, although I'm still careful not to become too obsessive or neurotic about that. I have posted some covers I did online even though I'm ashamed of it. There's also other things that may have changed but these changes I've noticed in moments and aren't a continuous thing, so I don't know if this are things that are going to persist as I would start to feel better. And I'm much more vigilant about noting and writing down whatsoever has been happening in my experience. This may be the biggest thing, that I'm far more scrutinous in examining myself and my experience, keeping a log, keeping a diary, writing everything down that happens and trying to be very honest in that, even if it may be pretty uncomfortable to face. I'm keeping a 'self-investigation'-map, and two journals, one for what happens during a day, another one to contemplate in and philosophize in. This self-investigation is something I have been doing even in my darkest times (with the exception of some days or moments) where I have just been really keeping track of whatever has been happening, and also I have been using writing as a means to really think and contemplate, although this was very difficult in moments of deep despair and intense tension. Being objective and inquisitive about my experience and really intensifying my search for Truth feels right now like one of the, if not the most important thing to be doing. It gives me at least some grip of... objectivity and distance throughout all of this ordeal. It can at least keep me removed from becoming totally identified with my problems to some degree And honestly, I'm just pretty negative right now. There's a lot of dark scenarios that my mind has basically been attacking me with that still tend to be rather sticky. I don't feel very optimistic or hopeful about the future, but I also now this has probably a lot more to do with my mental-emotional state than a rational approach. I'm just glad things finally seem to be getting better, although I somehow always fear I may be jinxing myself even saying that. It's also just become really important to me now to focus a lot more on presence. I noticed yesterday when I did my first trial training of badminton, that during the training the depressive feelings I felt at that moment became completely irrelevant and there was only the game, there was only the practice. Then cycling back again home I then notice that once again I go from one world where there is only attention, flow and presence (even if there's still heavy feelings on the background), to a world where there's problems, tensions, things to be solved or things not right, dark future scenarios... But that first world feels so much more... valid and real is some way. In my head I build castles of air but it's all clouds and the present-moment world seems to be so much more... real in some way because in my head I'm only dreaming away, somewhere else but certainly not appreciating the moment and being engaged with life.

Thanks Nahm. I like your response, as I feel it to be both helpful and true at the same time. My gratitude for your reply . I don't have a secluded time for meditation, especially not sitting meditation (somehow that rarely works out for me as my attention seems to get very blunt), but I do try to be mindful and conscious throughout the day, and perhaps I can start including a daily walking meditation, as that seems to be working out for me better. Or I can start meditating in the library. Don't ask me why, it's this really weird thing that I have, but I seem to be able to meditate a lot better in big public spaces like a library or something. Weird, huh?

Not doing something like a daily meditation, certainly not the last couple of months because I've been very distraught, although I might start doing something like that whilst walking. I tend to be more attentive in meditation whilst walking, sitting still my awareness usually tends to get too blunt. Sleeping is difficult in these times because it's quite hot. I do pay good attention to my diet, though. @inFlow Yes, I've stopped watching Shunyamurti because I've noticed it's too much for me to take. I notice that I'm very vulnerable to ideas and suggestions. I know what Shunyamurti proposes is merely a perspective, one out of many and that even spiritually advanced people contradict themselves in their reality about existence and the future, and that even if there is some truth in what Shunyamurti says that I tend to then magnify, exaggerate and create additional stories around it as far as the negative aspects are concerned, and then I tend to disregard the positives, but yet it's hard to let go of such a thought when I'm in a deeply fearful state like I have been the past couple of months. I must say I regret having made this topic on the forum without first giving a warning for people who are vulnerable to negative suggestions like myself, because I feel bad about putting the same kind of fearful thoughts into another person's mind, although I do feel I do not 'create' fear in them but merely evoke what was already there.

At the very least the totality of existence is as such that there is as much joy as there is suffering in it. I'm also talking about your consciousness or soul or whatever not being on earth. That's in my idea the worst possible somewhat realistic scenario. My hope is that there is a lot more bliss and peace in the totality in existence than suffering. But I feel it's really too limited for my mind to grasp. I don't really get it. You don't either. In moments of joy or silence that you can experience even here on earth, you know that this divine quality is at least somewhere there. Just drop it. this thought doesn't serve you. Let go of it and you can start moving into the direction of this peace you so desire

Saturday July 25th, 23:04 I think I'm past the worst of this dark night of the soul, although I can't say that with full confidence yet. It's been extremely rough. There have been some times in the last two months where it's just been terror. I really don't want to talk about it too much right now, but just some really dark feelings and thoughts. Although I can't say this with full confidence either yet, my way out of this seems to be that it's important that I start working towards a life purpose. Hence I have bought the life purpose course in a sort of moment of panic. When I bought the life purpose course I was repeating to myself "I MUST, I MUST", but very quickly I found that this attitude of trying to force myself to do something like this wasn't going to work. Since then, I don't have the same kind of obsessive attitude about it, but in its place has come an attitude where I'm just like... what gives... I can do it anyway because the alternative of not trying anything and not doing anything isn't going to serve me any better. I have been having that attitude with a lot of things lately. With many things, I am not sure if it's going to work or if it's going to help me, but do I rather just stay in bed depressed? Today I had a moment of clarity in which I realised or felt that I had the power within me to actually create a lasting change within myself and really create a good life for myself and consistently spend a lot energy developing structures, routines, disciplines and so forth, whereas before I never felt like I could because 'I don't work that way' or 'everything goes in cycles so it's only inevitable for me to quit it' or whatever clever reasoning I had. I started to notice that whenever I felt like I couldn't continue with something but then still did it, thinking it was the last time I would still have the energy for it, that then the next day I found I could do it again, and then the next day I could do it again, making me now think that this whole notion of me 'having to eventually quit or take a break from everything I try to do structurally' was perhaps maybe just all in my head, a strong self-fulfilling prophecy. There's still things I tend to be reluctant towards to accept or at least to let go of. Why do I have to suffer? Why is there suffering in this universe? Is there really more peace and bliss than there is suffering in existence? Bla Bla Bla... Useless questions. Getting me nowhere. In a way I'm sort of lucky to be such a deep spiritual non-dualistic thinker because it just makes me feel like the notion of suicide doesn't make any improvement in the best case scenario, and will give you only more trouble in the worst case scenario. I've had suicidal thoughts, but thoughts of what would happen if I did commit suicide made me too afraid to seriously consider doing something like that, although I have fantasized... I really don't like being here on this earth in this position. I don't like what I'm feeling and thinking, and I don't like what I'm seeing around me on this earth. But it's useless to complain, be negative and be miserable. The only thing I can do, the only thing I am really forced to do, is to start focussing on what my possibilities are, on what can be done and what life can be created for myself, alternated with just being very present in the moment and being in the here in now. A little bit of hope, a little bit of presence. That's all I can rely on right now. That's all I'm really forced to be concerned with. I can have hope for the future, but I got to realize that the steps taken towards a more fulfilling future are being taken right now, and that really the only power I have to create a situation in which both my inner and outer reality are more... prosperous are being dependent upon the steps I am taking right now. But at least I'm starting to feel like there is some power within me to create a life that is really fulfulling, that there is some possibility that can create a life for myself that can be really peaceful and joyful and not be forced to 'suffer my karma' as some kind of victim as I previously believed. I dreaded that idea and it gave me a feeling of deep despair.

Times are still pretty dark, but some place I may still write something some days is this page here. It's kind of dark though. read at your own risk. https://justpaste.it/2ejvl