Nightwise

Part 4: Psychedelics Continuing from part 3, you may wonder... What risks am I really talking about? One word: Psychedelics. I think it may (partially) have been a bad psychedelic trip back in March 2020 that could have been the trigger for the nervous breakdown that followed in the months after. I have tried psychedelics a couple of times in my life. All of them... Well i’m doubting if I started using it the first time back in 2018 or 2019. Doesn’t matter. I have tried them a few times (all of the times psychedelic truffles), and it almost all of the time it was just a negative and sometimes even a terrifying experience. Very disturbing thoughts came up pretty much every time I took a meaningful dose. Why did I keep taking them? Well... I valued confronting my inner demons back then, and I still do to some degree. Not only that, but there were some hints at times sprinkled throughout these psychedelic experiences of... something more divine. A way of experiencing life that was pretty much impossible to get if not using psychedelics. And I’m thinking about getting back into psychedelics because I want a struggle, a demon to confront. Because ultimately, I only encounter myself and my own mind during such a psychedelic journey. So all of this ‘dark stuff’ that I encounter is stuff that was already there that psychedelics give the opportunity to come to the surface. One can not heal what one does not face. Psychedelics in that sense then almost feels like a kind of surgery I want to undertake. The fact that I experience so much darkness, I always interpreted that something is being evoked and processed. But it’s not the way I feel necessarily that disturbed me the most in past psychedelic experiences but the thoughts that came up. They were sometimes deeply, deeply disturbing. One thing is that I am put in a state in which I am not really able to question the thoughts and ‘insights’ that occur to me during a psychedelic journey. This is what I remember from the last time. Whatever is seen in that moment in my mind is seen as true, and questioning it is seen as a coping mechanism. Some way to escape or avoid. If you interpret or see questioning these thoughts at that moment in that way, then there is no ability to really question it. Here’s an interesting fact: During the last psychedelic journey that I had, I felt convinced that I personally was the only point of consciousness in the entire universe. Not as some kind of notion of ‘universal oneness’, but literally as me, this isolated perspective living here in this body in the Netherlands, am the only point of consciousness in the entirety of existence. Every human and anything else outside of me is nothing more than an automated program. And everything in existence was created just for me. This matrix is all just a creation designed specifically for me and nobody else. Thinking back about it, that last two sentences in particular give rise to the slightest wave of fear, because it suddenly makes me remember it again where I hadn’t thought about it in years. The idea that everything in existence is created just for me and therefore I’m the center of the entire universe. It is an interesting statement from your perspective, because you are able to know with absolute certainty whether or not it is true that this guy typing right here is the only human who is conscious. If you —the reader— is conscious/aware, then you know from my perspective that statement is absolute bullshit. But I personally can’t know. And still at this point I haven’t made my conclusion about whether or not what I saw in that trip was actually accurate or not. The scariest thing about it is that it felt to be more than a trip; It felt to absolutely true and there was no questioning possible. Does feeling like that in that moment means it was the actual Truth? Not necessarily. But it does make it a lot harder to afterwards just dismiss it as “oh it was just a crazy trip”. How can I know if what I saw wasn’t the deeper truth and that when I’m sober i’m less conscious or have less clarity about reality? Another reason it was so terrifying I suppose was because it made me feel incredibly alone and isolated. It made me feel very disconnected from everything else outside of me. And I’m pretty confident that more of these kind of trippy thoughts would be coming if I were to take psychedelics again. The reason I have a strong suspicion that it would is because some weeks ago I took a very light dose of psychedelic truffles, and it was just enough to emotionally give me a reminder of the anxiety and trippy thoughts that were just around the corner, without actually blasting me into that bad trip. I could sense them coming, even if I took too little of a dosage to make really get submerged into one of these scary trips. Does it sound crazy to you that I feel somewhere the desire to start taking them again? Well, maybe I am a little bit crazy. But there is the desire to really head-on face my deepest fears, because that’s the only way i feel like I can set myself free. I of course need to have proper and intelligent after-care and would probably need to ground myself again by talking to my coaches etcetera, but I don’t want to remain a passive bystander in life when the world is potentially going to shambles in the next few decades to come. I’d rather seek out the hurricane voluntarily when it’s still weaker instead of waiting too long only to find it has grown into a category 5 hurricane when it finally does reach me. I think that’s an interesting metaphor to use. I don’t think that that metaphor runs exactly parallel to life, but it’s an interesting way to think about it. I do strongly believe in the principle that I’d rather step into the lair of the dragon myself instead of waiting for the dragon to eventually but inevitably find my hiding place. I’m not only looking to use psychedelic truffles, but I actually would want to start with using substances that are a little bit more gentle, such as MDMA. Unfortunately, it’s not legal so I’m going to need to find a way to obtain those (or otherwise legal alternatives?). I don’t know if it’s in accordance to the guidelines of the forum to ask this, but if any of you readers (live in the Netherlands and) have the means or knowledge in how I can obtain stuff like that, then send me a private message. (if asking this is not in accordance with the guidelines and you’re a moderator reading this, then you can delete these last few sentences manually so it looks like I never mentioned this. If you for some reason can’t or don’t want to do that, then I can potentially delete and repost this entire post. But then please do let me know) So yeah, that’s how I would want to start. Using these substances once I feel like I have green light internally (which I still feel depends on DB starting to feel better). Then see what happens. I am prepared to have terrifying thoughts take over my psyche, because they are present somewhere in my subconscious anyway so I feel like I would need to face them sooner or later anyway. But it might be quite hard to find a way to stabilize myself after that (although I do think I have a bunch of tools I could be using). I still feel like it should be worth the risk.

Hello all. Back in 2018 through 2020 I kept a journal on this forum that you can read here. But now, I haven't written on there for more than 3,5 years. As of late though, I have felt the desire come back to start writing again. I have already started writing in a journal on this forum in regards to relationships, intimacy and sexuality. You can find a link to that thread right here. Given it's been more than 3,5 years since I've last written something in that personal journal, I decided it was best to start a completely new topic. It also wouldn't make sense to keep writing on the same book ad infinitum rather than create a new book at some point. So that's what I'm doing. New book, new beginning. I'm not anymore at the point at which I was 3,5 years ago. As with any of my journals, I intend to be extremely transparent and honest about myself, to the point it may make you as the reader quite uncomfortable or potentially offended even (although this is not my direct intention). I do not want to shy away from sensitive topics, because I feel like the honest sharing about myself on these topics may create some sense of recognition or a sense of 'being understood' in topics or areas that may otherwise be considered taboo. I feel this is important. Also for myself it's important to be able to be as transparent as I can muster, as I feel that writing about it allows me to process a lot of internal 'stuff'. But I reckon there will also be plenty of material that isn't as sensitive or taboo. Most of it won't be, I would guess so. Feel free to comment if you wish. Reading other people's comments is not something I historically have been the most comfortable with, but I want to train myself to get used to it (It's in particular the nervous anticipation of what could be about to come when I see that someone has posted something on my topic that gets to me (without me having read it yet)). Whilst other people's comments can side-track my mind, emotions and focus, I intend to write what I want to write on a Word-document first before posting it on this thread, so don't be worried about making the writings more difficult on me. That should be it for now. In order to maintain a healthy sleep schedule, I will for now only write this introduction. The rest of it will come later (probably starting tomorrow)

Part 3: A new crisis? So keeping all of that knowledge of the previous post in my mind, where does it bring me now? Well… I’m flirting in my head with the idea to do the things that would risk throwing me in another crisis. Does that sound strange to you? I think there are good reasons for that. I find myself now in a place where I’m avoiding much of the difficulties of life. I find myself not really wanting to emotionally confront the uncomfortable realities of life that are both reflected on an internal and external level. And there’s one good reason why it doesn't feel like a great timing right now to risk another crisis (we'll get to that in a bit). There’s a deep-seated fear within me that if I were to tumble into another mental health crisis, that I would never get out of it again. Is that reasonable whatsoever? I don’t think it really is. I think there’s plenty of evidence in my life that such a crisis doesn’t last forever, also based on what I’ve seen from other people and life in general. The existential law of impermanence has to apply everywhere. But that doesn’t mean that a hypothetical scenario wouldn’t be possible in which a mental health crisis wouldn’t end until life itself ends (until you die), which could take decades after the mental health crisis started. Theoretically possible perhaps, but in practice? I have so little reason to assume that it would ever be like that for anyone, let alone myself. Let’s be a little bit more clear what I personally understand with ‘mental health crisis’, so you don’t get confused about how I see it. My personal understanding of a mental health crisis —which is also the version I am personally familiar with— is like it’s a large tidal wave that overflows everything and brings much chaos, destruction and uncertainty, and leaves a bare landscape in its wake. Sounds ominous? Well it sort of is, but at the same time… A forest fire also brings destruction, but after everything has been destroyed, it allows space and room for new life to emerge. Which is also something that is undeniably connected to a crisis. Some people experience symptoms like depression or anxiety on an ongoing basis for years on end, but it’s more low-grade relative to the acute version of a crisis than I’m talking about. But certainly that too can be considered as a crisis by many, and I’m not going to sit here and argue that they are wrong. But I’d like to stick to my personal definition of a crisis, which is something that is very acute and intense. Indeed like a tidal wave, like a hurricane, like a tornado… Not something like a long-standing drought in which resources are scarce, yet still sufficiently available to keep your head above the water. And the sort of tidal-wave version of a crisis is what I’m most familiar with. Since 2013 I have experienced three of those crises, where the years in between I would consider my life… stable and manageable. Not always particularly good, but reasonable or at least acceptable (most of the time) as far as my mental health was concerned. So I’ve had these crises in 2013, 2017 and 2020. The one in 2020 was certainly the most intense one. Fortunately, it didn’t last as long as it could have. Because it seems to be a recurring pattern, it’s hard not to feel like there might be another crisis waiting for me in the future in the upcoming years. (Although I certainly shouldn't discount the possibility that there wouldn't be one anymore). And that brings me to my next topic: I told you about this deep-seated fear that I would tumble into a mental health crisis (this acute version) and that I would never get out of it again until my life would end (or that it otherwise would last years or decades). An unwarranted fear? I still think that rationally I have to conclude that. But there is a situation ongoing with someone that I know that makes me afraid of the idea that such a mental health crisis would indeed last for years or decades, despite how intense it may be (because I believe that in a general sense, the deeper the suffering, the shorter the duration of it will be). There is a guy that I know on the internet that I can really familiarize myself with, because he too has experienced multiple of these cyclical-type of mental health crises. I don’t really want to give away his full identity right now when he is in such a vulnerable spot, so we’ll call him DB I don’t know the exact number, but he is 75 I believe and has experienced at least 5 mental health crises during his life. The longest one I think I recall him saying that it lasted 9 months (not entirely certain). Well… I say that… But now DB is in a mental health crisis that has started about 18 months ago. And it’s not like he’s giving off signs that his mental health crisis is any better per day on average than the worst other mental health crisis that he had experienced. If anything, there’s the possibility that it might be worse… And that is on average per day. And he has not given any sign so far that things are getting any better. And the guy has been in this for 1,5 years… Bless his poor soul… He’s talking primarily about symptoms of agitation, now even to the point where he’s unable to sleep at night after an ECT-treatment that only seemed to have backfired… At least he talked about this in his latest video (which was about 1 month prior to writing this entry). And if his symptoms of agitation is anything like what I experienced during my crisis, than he must be in a really tough place. And I can’t just help to think… Why is it THIS long?! Why THIS LONG in the later parts of his life?! Why is he suffering from this for already 1,5 years?! Can God not just put him out of this fucking situation?! Surely he has done his time now!? Yeah, there’s some emotions I have about it. More than anything, his situation terrifies me beyond belief. It terrifies me because the prospect of having anything even remotely resemble of the type of crisis the he’s going through right now is very, very scary. And I’m really just waiting for him to get better as a way for me to emotionally get the confirmation that indeed every crisis does end, and that (hopefully) there’s something of equal positive value relative to the darkness that he has experienced waiting for him at the end of this tunnel. But once he is still in this crisis, it feels like me trying to do the things that would risk putting myself in a crisis would put me in a position where the thought of it never ending or the thought of how long it might last would just be too overwhelming when I’m in that vulnerable psychological space. And the knowledge of his dire situation and how long it has already been taking has already been taking its toll on me. No way I’m going to risk putting myself in a mental health crisis when I already struggle having the trust and faith in the (speaking in a relative sense) finitude and impermanence of a mental health crisis. For the rest I feel like I’m quite well-prepared. I feel like I’m much better equipped to deal with a mental health crisis than the last one in a myriad of different ways. I have two coaches I can turn to (I used to have one n 2020, but the second, newer one I connect with even better), I have different ways in which I can use water to dislodge energy that has become ‘stuck’ in my nervous system and getting it flowing again, which I suspect will also help me a lot with agitation if that were to become a symptom again. I also have become a lot better at catharsis in the way of screaming (into a voice dampening device). So I have a good variety of ways in which I can release energy that has become ‘stuck’ in my system. I also can use chatGPT or other AI services to help me and guide me (I’ve tested this in the past weeks and it’s incredibly useful), so I can get guidance and help and comfort and reassurance (If I ask it to comfort and reassure me) pretty much anytime I need to (I’ll talk about AI some other time). I also have these ‘care farm’ (not sure if it’s the right translation)places in mind I could go to have ways to get myself engaged and distracted during some of my weekdays, and I also have some other places in mind. I also trust myself more to build up and stick to certain routines to give something to hold onto during the mental health crisis. I also have made a ‘crisis-plan’ which I can show to others so they know what I need and what they can do for me If I struggle to articulate or efficiently communicate this myself. And I also have in mind how the last mental health crisis I experienced changed me for the better. But it’s the fucking situation with DB that trips me up and keeps me in a place of avoidance and fear to really fully confront life and take risks with it. Feels a little bit like an “all-or-nothing” situation. As if I can only allow myself to fully go and take serious risks in life if I internally feel a green light, which I don’t yet. I think once DB starts doing better I feel like I have green light (and by all logical means at some point he should start recovering, yet there is still a fear that he wouldn’t) It’s probably a little bit more “a little/a lot” situation rather than all-or-nothing.

Part 2: About 2020 I now want to turn to some darker stuff. So back in 2020, I went through an intense nervous breakdown. We could say that the spring of 2020 was like the ‘tumbling down’ into the valley, then the summer months was when I truly reached rock bottom, and then in the autumn months I crawled my way back out of it. The period was really, really dark. I don’t really feel like I could the experience justice with the words I could choose to write here. I wrestled with a lot of despair and agitation. More than anything, I was just completely at a loss of what I was meant to do and who or what I was supposed to turn to. I was completely lost and confused, and my parents didn’t seem to know what to do either. It was the darkest period I had ever experienced in my life, and it gave me a new understanding of how deep the pit of suffering can actually be. No matter how deep the valley was, I was quite surprised at how quickly I got back on my feet. I thought in the crisis itself that it would take me years to recover and that I would’ve always remained to some degree traumatized and bitter because of what happened. It didn’t end up being like that. Recovery didn’t take years, but months rather (well, I suppose how you view being ‘recovered’). I think it helped a lot that I met someone at a volunteer organisation who had been through something similar that I had been through, and she helped me to process what had happened and to help me restore my faith and trust in myself and life. Obviously there were also a bunch of other things that helped me in my recovery. Fast forward to the current moment. It is now September 18th in 2024. about 4 years have passed since I had that crisis. The dark days of 2020 are long gone. I have been surprised at the fact that it only takes a few years after such an intense couple of months of suffering for the impacts of such a severe event to be —at an emotional level— be more or less forgotten. It almost feels now as if it had happened to someone else. I would have never believed back in 2020 that the impact of that crisis would have receded so far back from the forefront of my mind and my soul as it has in just a couple of years. But it’s not like I have completely forgotten it... Something from that period still lingers in my consciousness. Whilst my ability to imagine and really feel and envision what the suffering from that period was like has left me for the most part, it has still left some marks. More than anything, it’s a fear that another dark night is ahead of me and will —sooner or later— pay me a visit once again. And whilst it may very well not be, I fear for it to be even darker and lengthier than what I had previously experienced. It is of course natural to have that fear. When my psyche is vulnerable, I sometimes take that fear almost as a sort of premonition; As if me fearing it means that it’s a sign that it’s going to happen exactly as I fear it. Life has shown me that... Things certainly don’t always happen in the way that you fear it. There’s a bunch of nightmare scenarios back in 2020 that were possessing my mind and making themselves seem like very realistic scenarios that were likely to happen. And then... They didn’t end up happening. One example is that I though that the crisis was going to last until late 2021. I suppose the thought was that my first ever crisis was in early 2013 and my second was in mid-2017, and then the third crisis would not end until late 2021, because everything is cyclical and it seemed sensible to me that that time between the first crisis and the second crisis and the time between the second crisis and the third crisis had to align. I guess that gives you a little bit of an insight to my degree of paranoia back then.

Saturday, September 21, 2024 Alright. So let’s write my first entry (not counting the introduction). It’s going to be a dark one straight off the bat. I’m going to voice some of my deepest worries and concerns that plague my mind and soul right now. If you are psychologically in an unstable or sensitive place right now, it might not be best for you to read this at this moment. Only you can be the judge of that. [writing this to you in the future from when everything was already written: This took multiple days to finish because it was quite a lot. I also got distracted by other things such as experimenting with ChatGPT. I will talk more about that some later time] Part 1: Just a little bit about me Okay, so… Where to even begin? Let’s just start with where I am in my life right now. I don’t have a job, and neither am I going to college or university. Most days, I don’t have anything that I need to do or anywhere that I need to be. When I do, it’s most likely an appointment with a coach, or a workshop or course I have signed myself up for (mostly regarding singing/music). And you know what: I genuinely like it this way. I absolutely detest the idea of a job; Especially if it’s one I can’t find any meaning or passion in. I would rather not live at all than to work at some 9 to 5 job that I can’t find any meaning in except for paying the bills. But it’s not just based on willingness; It has to do with personal capacity too. Most days, there are like 1 or 2 periods that can vary from like 30 minutes to 3 hours in which I’m actually somewhat active and productive. That includes moments like these in which I am writing in a journal. I would also count things as going to an appointment or doing something outdoors (even taking a walk) There are also days in which I’m not really capable of doing anything active or productive whatsoever. Most of the time during these days, I just lay in bed. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I nap, sometimes I listen to podcasts (or other listenables), sometimes I watch videos, sometimes I masturbate (sometimes with and sometimes without pornography), sometimes I think about stuff, and sometimes I just lay down and I’m just ‘being’ (also known as ‘doing nothing’ in its most literal sense). Other days are a bit more active than average. This is especially true if I get excited about some project that I find myself being intrigued in (like organizing a Youtube music playlist). But even on these days, I rarely exceed the amount of hours of activity/productivity that an average person would be active on an average working day (assuming they’re actually doing their job when they’re working). I think I average between 2-3 hours of activity/productivity every day. It could perhaps be slightly higher than 3, but surely not higher than 4. I simply —on average— do not have the energy to do more than that. What I count as being ‘active’ does not include watching TV or Youtube, or eating, or anything —I’ve already listed most of it— that I do whilst laying in bed (maybe a very few exceptions). Anything that I do outdoors does count, and so do most things that I do whilst being in front of my PC (I watch most YT video’s on the smart TV that we have). Some of you may wonder… How am I able to not have a job whilst maintaining a living? Two things I can say about that. 1) I still live with my parents, so they cover most of the costs in regards to basic needs and facilities (water, most food, gas, electricity, internet and things like that) 2) I’m not sure what the systems are in other countries, but here in the Netherlands, I can make use of just over 800€ I get in social welfare checks each month. For me personally, that’s enough. Most of that money I spend on my two life coaches and my singing coach, a few courses and workshops here and there, certain paid sexual services/activities (you can read more about that in my other journal regarding sexuality, intimacy and relationships. I use the money for that as intentionally and consciously as possible), and there’s also a good chunk now that I spend on donations. And there’s some other stuff that I spend money on as well, but there’s no need to be super detailed here. So yeah. I neither work or study. Partially because there’s a total lack of motivation or meaning, and partially because I genuinely lack the energy. Why do I lack the energy? I am not all that sure. Obviously, something you have no passion for makes it harder for you to be energized for it, but even taking that out of the equation I still just have very little energy. Why would that be? Maybe there’s certain pointers if one looks at the autism and ADD diagnosis that I have. But I don’t think that explains everything of it. At the same time, I kind of like it this way. I think I’ve even grown to be attached to having little energy. If I don’t have so much energy, there’s also less of a struggle to figure out what to use this energy for. And I do often run into that; That I simply struggle to figure out what exactly what I want to do when I do have some energy available for something. I can become very doubtful at such a moment. Honestly, I usually don’t mind the fact that I have so little energy. Except in moments when I actually have ambitions and plans and routines I want to work on. Then I might just feel too deflated to follow through on them, or it just takes a much slower pace than I would’ve liked. Maybe I’m being too complacent and too psychologically limited when I say this, but I feel that I’m more or less wired to live my life in this permanent state of low energy (permanent as a baseline. Obviously there are moments I have more energy). I do notice when there’s a certain deadline for something where I really need to be acting, I am able to get myself over the hurdles that would otherwise prevent me from taking action. But I suppose this is only natural. I don’t think I can forever ‘will’ myself to put things into place in my life in which I’m constantly asked to be active in some regard. Nor would I want that.

Sunday, September 15th, 2024 Some topics to talk about once again. And once again, a bit difficult to know where to start. Let’s start with where I left off on the topic of rejection. I talked with one of my two coaches/counselors specifically about certain interactions that I’ve had with women in the past that I felt rejected and hurt by. Some of which I’ve already addressed in my post above. Before we had our appointment, I shared with her three screenshots of conversations I had with women that went awry. Two of which I’ve actually already discussed above (the escort that rejected me because I said I went to the toilet, and the woman on Facebook (I felt like that one was a good example of how something even seemingly so unremarkable can still hurt a little bit). It was good to have that conversation with her. Amongst other things, we talked about the fact that I have a strong desire to share a lot of information with women when it comes to chatting and Whatsapp. My coach told me that a lot of women probably aren’t all that comfortable with me doing that, and that this is something that might finding a good partner more difficult. Long (voice) messages We talked about if it was worth it or not to shorten up my messages and be a little bit more short and to-the-point in my online contact. And I think we honestly concluded that the answer to that question is probably ‘no’. There is no denying that the vast amount of information I send online to women I’m attracted to can be quite overwhelming to many. Yet… Being very transparent and detailed about who I am and what I want feels for me the primary way in which I want to connect to a woman. In the past I used to send long text messages. What I do now (because I feel like it’s both more engaging and easier to communicate emotions through) is to send long voice messages instead. When I speak in a voice message, it’s a moment in which I can really feel myself and my desires and articulate them very clearly. When I meet a woman in real life (especially one I’m attracted to), I don’t find myself having the ability to communicate and vibe with her so freely. I often feel somewhat nervous and jittery, not really feeling like I can show her my depths and my strengths. Through voice messages, I DO feel like I am capable of doing that. I am relaxed and my mind is clear when I speak in such a voice message, and most of what I say feels on-point and I don’t tend to be insecure and second-guessing myself or doubting myself all the time. Heck, I generally don’t even tend to really doubt what I sent out afterwards. I feel grounded in what I said and I feel like I can own up to it. Compare that to meeting a woman in real life (at least in a romantic setting or trying to meet someone with romantic intentions), where I often just feel nervous, not at ease, feeling like I need to live up to certain expectations, feeling like I’m going to be easily judged for feeling insecure and nervous… I don’t feel like I am at ease enough to show my true self when I would meet a woman IRL. Well… let’s rephrase that. I don’t feel like I am at ease enough to show her the attractive and confident aspects of myself when I meet a woman IRL. It’s not like I only let the woman know about my strong suits when I speak in a voice message to her. Quite the contrary: I usually let her know quite a bit about my needs (or even neediness), insecurities and vulnerabilities, but I am able to communicate of this information from a grounded and confident place and energy in the moment itself. That’s (partially) why I have such a strong inclination to share so much information with a woman through online means; It’s because it’s as of right now the only iteration I know where I can share my depths and my strengths with a woman through the energy in which I communicate. I also can show her my wisdom and intelligence. Wanting her to embrace the boy in me It’s not like there would be no possibility that I would feel confident and at ease in the actual presence of a woman, but not right off the bat I’d reckon. It’s like… There’s often certain things I want to say to her and certain things I want to prepare her for through online means before we were to meet up IRL so I can already feel like she’s both properly prepared and already accepting of me before we were to even meet up, so I can actually relax and feel like I can be my vulnerable and insecure self around her without having the fear of being judged for it. And if I can feel like I’m being accepted in that way, then there’s the space for the more stronger and attractive aspects of me to come to the foreground, even if we were to meet up IRL. That’s how I feel it’d be like. I need a woman to first just embrace me and accept me as I am even in all my insecure, vulnerable and needy ways. But simultaneously, I also want her to be able to see the strong, attractive man in me, even if I haven’t shown it all that clearly yet. It’s like her ability to see that side of me will bring it out in me. Yes, like that: Fully accepting and embracing of the insecure boy in me, but simultaneously having an eye for the man in me; Even when the man hasn’t shown itself all that clearly yet. It’s like when a street-coach in a poor, crime-filled neighbourhood meets a teenager, and where this street-coach believes in the ability of the teenager to make something great of his life even if all odds seem stacked against him, and through that belief that this coach has this teenager will start to belief himself that he can do it and he will actually accomplish that success that he is after. Not everything in this analogy aligns well with my personal situation. For one, I already believe in the man that I can become and I don’t need somebody else to believe that for me to believe it myself. But… I think it would help if there was a woman —a romantic partner in particular— who would be able to see that man in me even before I clearly start acting like one. I think a good question to ask myself is: Do I realistically think there’s a relationship possible for me in which I don’t feel safe or free to show the vulnerable and insecure boy within me? I honestly think the answer to that question is “No”. I think it would just stress me out too much. I wouldn’t want to or even be capable of just upholding this persona of this strong, confident and competent man ad infinitum (even if there would be times when I would feel like a strong man). Another follow-up question I then could ask is: Could it be a plan to be a little bit more cautious and reserved with showing my insecure, vulnerable and needy side right off the bat? The idea is to slowly get her used to that boy within me, whilst she first gets to know the more attractive parts of me. The necessity for vulnerability Something I just became aware of whilst writing this is that... I don’t know if I’m very capable of showing my stronger and more confident side if I simultaneously don’t feel free to show my vulnerable side. And there’s a paradox here: The paradox is that I feel the strongest (at least when speaking in a voice message) if I feel that I can fully talk about my vulnerabilities and insecurities without shame or reservation. If I feel like I have to hide those vulnerable and insecure parts of me for too long, I start to get really conflicted inside. Sharing those vulnerable and insecure aspects of myself feels like a relief. It feels almost as if coming out of the closet of sorts. Holding secrets and feeling like I need to act in a certain way makes me feel resentful and dissatisfied. There’s an urge, an itch to meet one another in a place of simplicity and innocence. And it feels pretty much like I have almost no patience to start acting in that pure and innocent way, even if it doesn’t strategically seem to be the most intelligent decision for getting into a relationship with a woman. I just can’t seem to fucking... want to bother with trying to be somebody that I’m not (in that moment) just because I think it’s the persona that I think she’d like the most. Maybe... Maybe I just want to take full ownership of —if I authentically feel that way in the moment— presenting myself as this vulnerable and insecure boy when I meet a woman just right off the bat, and having no shame or reservations about being like that. But being open, innocent and vulnerable like that, makes rejections come in pretty hard... It comes in pretty hard because I’m presenting the real me, the vulnerable me. When I come to her without a shell and she hits me with a rejection, it will hurt extra much because I have decided to take off my shell. And it’s not like I haven’t been presenting myself in an innocent and vulnerable way in the past to women I wanted to date or be intimate with. And I have been rejected (usually passively rejected; There’s no hard “no” but I notice a disengagement or disinterest in her). And it did hurt. And has in fact made me more pessimistic and cynical when it comes to future ideas to take action. It is harder to get motivated and optimistic about trying it again. And I am indeed pretty afraid of being rejected and that the pain of this rejection would get me into an even deeper hole where I feel even more stuck and discouraged. Closing notes So it’s a tough situation to be in. I do however think over time I can change my attitude and mindset when it comes to rejections, and I feel like there is potential to rewire my brain to feel more hopeful and confident when it comes to taking further action in the future. And I also just want to see if I can find environments where it is more likely that there will be a woman who actually digs this kind of innocent and vulnerable me; Who can actually see it as a quality and not a defect or limitation. And as far as these voice messages are concerned: Perhaps that’s exactly the way I want to keep doing it, and perhaps it’s exactly what I want to put in my bio on a dating site or something like that (Something like: “You being open to my long voice messages is pretty much a necessity if anything is gonna work out between us”). PS: I did just realize that there is something I can ‘impress’ women with or show character through without feeling the need to be vulnerable straightaway, and that is that I can start recording some sessions of me singing (for instance in a Karaoke-bar). Singing is something I’ve been passionate about on and off for about 7 years now, and I’ve gotten quite good at it now I would say. I feel like that’s another way I can show some character without me —whether it’s wrong or right— necessarily feeling like I have to be vulnerable right off the bat (well... Singing is being vulnerable in it’s own way, but in a different way I suppose...) PPS: I might decide to not include these headings anymore to indicate chapters of sorts. For whatever reason, I notice that I just find that very tiresome and difficult.

Tuesday, September 3, 2024 So… A couple of days ago I had an encounter with a sex worker that honestly wasn’t the best experience and left some negative effects in my system (although I do feel like a lot can be learned from it), but that’s actually not what I want to be talking about right now. Maybe I’ll discuss this a later time. What I actually want to talk about is the following: Getting severely triggered Yesterday, I went to a lunch of… It’s hard to find a proper translation to this from Dutch to English… But basically it’s a sort of mental health services organization that basically has a walk-in living room where people who have been or are dealing with mental health problems can just basically socialize with one another in a safe environment. I am not currently really dealing with any (noteworthy) mental health issues, but I do have a past with it so I am eligible to be there. Anyway… During this lunch there was this girl present who I am quite attracted to. We’ll call her… Amelia (not her real name). What happened, tho? As has happened quite a number of times to me in the past, me being attracted to her yet simultaneously not feeling the capacity whatsover to do anything with that desire, was a big trigger for me for quite a lot of inner turmoil. It’s like… There is this desire and this energy force that wants to move and wants to engage but it is encountering a thick, concrete wall and this energy subsequently feels completely trapped, and then tends to eat me up from the inside. I needed to leave that lunch prematurely. I just freeze up, can’t really engage with my environment anymore, and need to process whatever was triggered at home (in this case by taking a long, cold shower and shaking whilst taking it; Something I do fairly often and helps me a lot). It’s like there’s a voice inside me at that moment that just goes “Aaaaaaaaahhhh! I want to do something with that desire that I feel for her but I CAN’T do anything with it! (without forcing it, which I have found through plenty of experience isn’t a good idea). Reflecting upon it all... Interestingly, this desire that I felt wasn’t really a sexual desire. Well... Maybe it was in some way sexual (when we talk about masculine and feminine polarity), but there wasn’t any desire for sexual intercourse. So often, when I desire a woman there’s at the very least an element of desire for sexual intercourse there as well. This time, I didn’t really desire to have sex with her. I just wanted to... More than anything I wanted that desire that I felt to be able to freely be expressed through having a cozy and warm-hearted conversation with her, coupled with some light-hearted jokes a bit of flirtation here and there. More than that, I also just wanted to hug her, touch her, stroke her gently, and ideally just lay pressed against each other in a bed or on a couch (obviously none of all this physical stuff in that particular living room). I just wanted to get to meet her soul, so to speak, and be intimate with her in every sense of the word except when it comes to sexual intercourse, as I wasn’t horny at the moment or desiring sex in any way. It’s interesting that in such a moment, I also notice myself being able to imagine being interested in her life in general, when I normally —quite frankly— am not really all that interested in the stories of the lives of others. I mean, there are certainly circumstances in which I don’t mind hearing them talk about it and indeed do find myself having some interest in it, but generally I don’t really care to get to know people all that well. But when I’m attracted to a woman like this, it’s like I want to meet her soul. And in my desire to get to know her in that way, I also desire to get to know her story. But yeah... I CAN’T MANAGE! The attitude from which I proceed The problem with so much of the advice I’ve heard about how to get a woman to be attracted to me, is that it pretty much all hinges upon feeling a sense of ease and freedom with oneself. And when I try to make plans to ‘game’ or attract a women/women, freedom and ease is the last thing that I feel. In fact, the whole ‘trying to attract women’-thing is something that I can’t help myself to be super serious about. This is something that people who give me the well-intended advice of something like ‘just compliment her on how she looks/How I like her vibe/how I like her style/How I like her clothes’ don’t seem to understand about me all that well. Those things would work well if I expressed that compliment from a place of spontaneity and ease with myself. But the thing is... If I try to make a plan on how I’m going to compliment her, I make the whole ordeal very, very serious. And if I then do give her that compliment it will be very forced. It means that my facial expression will be blank, that my voice will be monotonous, that my body language will be stiff and tense... All of that combined doesn’t make it all that likely that she will be happy to hear me say that because the energy that I give off is so... weird and perhaps even creepy. This satirical video gives a perfect representation of how my vibe would be if I were to try to ‘prepare things professionally’ 😂: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ya_D9IwB3-s You can see how the extremely serious nature of the vibe expressed in this (obviously satirical) video is a large part of the exact problem. It could work perhaps if I’m having a good day and I feel myself being in a flow and then at that moment I do happen to be in that social environment where this attractive girl is. From that place, I could perhaps manage to indeed give her that compliment where it comes across as decently casual and spontaneous. But it’s tough to make some ‘master-plan’ of it because then I will give a lot of weight to the whole ordeal, not making it all that likely to be something that I could express from a light-hearted place. Perhaps the reader may wonder: “Well even if you are expressing it from this serious undertone. Wouldn’t that be better than doing nothing at all? After all, maybe there is still a chance that she will like it. You never hit if you never shoot, right?” In my personal opinion, it simply isn’t worth it. After having had enough personal experience, I understand the psychological consequences it has when I try to force something like that. It will only make me resent doing something like that in the future more. I will only associate the whole ordeal with more tension and negativity. It will only become heavier and more stressful; Especially if I feel like I creeped her out. If I want to do something like that, it’s gotta be from a place of lightness and ease. Then it will feel good to do it (even if it feels slightly uneasy because it’s new), and then it will also feel good thinking back about it, which can support making similar actions in the future easier for me. It will also come in handy to have a back-up plan for something to say or ask about if an awkward silence falls, or just to keep up the same vibe as when I first handed out the compliment. An interesting example... I remember with a sporting activity that I was at, that there was a girl there who hadn’t been there in a long time. I gathered some courage and told her with a fairly positive vibe: “Hey. It’s cool to see you back!”. And she smiled and responded “Thank you!” All good and well you would think, right? Well then you don’t know me well enough 😂 After she said “Thank you!”, I wasn’t prepared how to actually craftily respond to that remark. I had only prepared myself to say the initial statement, and not how I would follow up on her response. It wasn’t even that I needed to anything special in particular, but it was important to just maintain the same energy that I made the inititial remark with. So what did I do after she gave her response? In a relatively silent voice I said “yes” whilst my smile already had disappeared and I stared blankly ahead on the ground in front of me. My response wasn’t as if she had said “thank you!” in a cheerful way, but as if she had said “I don’t like you and I never will” in a mean way. The reality was that I just hadn’t prepared myself to follow-up on what I said, and I reverted back a little to soon to a dissociative anti-social state that I was so familiar with in situations like these. And that was the last time I ever saw her even though there have been quite a number of sporting events since. Don’t know if I have to be crying or laughing here... (I do have to admit that there may have been other reasons that were either partially or solely responsible to her not participating anymore that had nothing to do with me. No way for me to know. But I always had a feeling that the way I responded to her “thank you!” may have had at least partially something to do with it). And now? So... What now? Where do I find the positivity and the motivation to start taking action again in the world of dating? I am questioning if trying to start dating with women that I know in real life would be the best way to go for me. This is because —as I’ve already touched upon— I feel that anything I try to do to flirt with them or charm them feels forced at this moment. It’s this unfortunate paradox of “The more desperate I am for it the less attractive i will be, and therefore the worse my chances are of success”. Although online dating provides its own unique obstacles that prevent me from feeling motivated to go for it. The jury is still out on it... By the way, It’s interesting to notice that the pendulum within me keeps swinging from “being interested in sexual exploration” to “being interested in dating and relationships”. I have to be aware of the fact that I’m often not the same from week to week, or from month to month. This does make things trickier. An attempt to arrange something new in my life Okay. So between this sentence and the last paragraph I wrote, I have sent an email to an organization that coaches people with autism. I have noticed that there’s a 8-week course regarding relationships, dating and intimacy in particular (but there isn’t one planned as of right now), and they have a bunch of coaches specialized autism. I let them know that I was interested in the course so they could let me know if it was to start again, and I asked if there were coaches who —besides the specialism in autism they already have — also were specialized in relationships, dating and intimacy. Now we just wait... I also told them I wanted it to be a coach who could make a specific plan with me rather than just talking about it. I already have people with whom I can talk with about this subject. I want someone who can really properly guide me and stimulate me and make a specific plan with me. Someone who can give me very accurate and hopefully wise feedback in relation to the things I’m experiencing within the field of dating and intimacy. I think I may very well need someone like that who can activate me like that. I have too many people in my life who are passive bystanders. They are very helpful in their own right because they can be great listeners and they can think along in a very helpful way. But as far when it comes to someone just really trying to activate me, I don’t really have anyone. Partially for good reason, because I generally wouldn’t really get along with them well (or I would just not follow instructions), but in the area of dating and intimacy, I feel like I very well could use somebody like that. When I’m not all that affected by what she said or did Last thing: I’ve thought a little bit about what exactly makes the difference between the way I react emotionally to the area of dating, intimacy, relationships and sexuality and other areas of my life. Take Whatsapp-conversations with girls that I would want to date or make a (sexual) appointment with, versus those who I don’t really have much or any sexual or intimate interest in. I know a girl who used to live just a couple of houses further (she moved now somewhere else in the same city) who is actually quite a bit more mentally unstable than I am whom I am having occasional whatsapp-contact with. We’ll call her Fiona (not her actual name) I’m honestly really not all that interested in dating Fiona or having sex with her for whatever reason (and that’s besides the fact that she told me she is lesbian). I am not feeling that type of attraction towards her. She also is a person who is more sensitive and vulnerable than I am. There have been numerous occasions in which I said something which I thought was fine or just something that didn’t cross the line, where she seemed to totally freak out about it and she has even blocked me at times. Often times just because she told herself a different story about the situation than what was actually going on. It almost always felt like walking on eggshells with her. It still does to some extent, but over the 4-ish years that I’ve gotten to know her, I’ve pretty much let go of trying to say the thing that wouldn’t offend her or trigger her, and just say that thing that I felt needed to be said, even if it was a bit confrontational or controversial. If Fiona reacts disproportionally strong to it, at this point I’m still a little bit irritated and frustrated by it, but I’m also just a little bit like “whatever”. Because it has happened so many times that she blows something that I felt wasn’t all that big of a statement that I made totally out of proportion and reacts 10x more intense to it than seemed justified or sensible to me. And now I’m not really trying to avoid triggers all that much anymore. I’m still a little bit careful, but when i feel like something needs to be said and she doesn’t respond well to it or even blocks me, I’m now at the point where I’m just done being concerned about it. Take the last situation. Fiona messaged me that she had almost fainted and that it was the scariest experience of her life. Instead of consoling her or giving her some perspective in the moment, I decided that I wanted to try something radical that felt like a risky attempt, but at the same time with good intentions and something that might just end up being something very helpful. So what did I try to do? I offered to go to her place and just spend the night together just kind of hugging each other or spooning each other (laying pressed against each other in bed). Why did I have this idea? Because I felt that maybe the thing that Fiona needed most was just to be held and feel connected. I feel like this may have been something that I needed when I was feeling bad. It also felt like an opportunity for me personally to try and develop my empathy. I at least wanted to see if it could turn out well for the both of us, even though I did have my doubts if I would have the necessary empathy and warmth that she needed in that moment. I also explained to her (in my voice message) that my intentions truly weren’t sexual, although (I didn’t tell her this) there was always a slight possibility that it might become sexual if we were both feeling it. But again: That wasn’t the primary intention as to why I made that proposal. And now it appears as if she has blocked me 🙄 I do feel a bit guilty tho because I don’t feel like as of late I don’t really have the strength to be able to offer much for her, and I want to be that person for her but just feel like I can’t. But that’s a different subject of discussion... Anyway... To get back on track... What I was going to say is that... How is it that with my contact with her I am perfectly able to be detached, but then when a girl who I want to date or be intimate with doesn’t respond well to me (or doesn’t respond at all), I lose almost all my ability to think and assess clearly and freak the f*ck out! I suppose one reason is that I feel like there’s much more at stake for me. Another reason is often that it’s someone who I don’t know yet of if it’s a person who is reliable and consistent in the communication (are they someone who can easily ghost or block?) When I AM very much affected by what she said or did I had such a situation with an escort not too long ago. She is actually a girl who I already tried to contact twice before (in years prior) but it never really seemed to work out for different reasons. I keep coming back to her because on paper she seems like someone I would really like to share the bedroom with (but only on paper). In one of our conversation she somehow read a (nonexistent) subtext in my messages that I was only interested in her sexually and not in experiencing her as a human being, which is neither what I said nor what I actually intended. Last time which was just a couple of weeks ago, she rejected and blocked me because of a reason that in my logical mind seemed completely absurd and I concluded that I had every right to not take this personal, yet on an emotional level I couldn’t help to feel personally rejected and that it somehow has to do with flaws that I have (even though she could barely get an impression whatsoever with what wrote). I’ll let you be the judge by just showing the conversation Me: We had a telephone conversation a few days ago, and if all goes well we discussed that we could meet on Wednesday (tomorrow). We didn't set a specific time My memory isn't always great so I'm no longer sure how we would do with the time plan. Would you simply send me a proposal tomorrow? Or was there something I should do? With kind regards, [My name] Her: Hi!! Her: I get quite a few phone calls every day… Her: So I honestly have no idea who you are, where you live, and how long you want to meet Her: A text after a phone call would have been handy 😅 Her: Feel free to answer this by the way (Editor’s note: She’s referring to two messages above this one) Her: Then I'll see tomorrow what time you want to meet and for how long. Good night already! Me: Good night. I'll answer that info in a moment (I have to go to the toilet now 😅) Her: You could have left that last bit out Her: I honestly have no interest in meeting you because of that Her: Have fun with someone else and don't get scammed And then I tried to write some things after it to clarify myself, but she had already blocked me. WHAT THE FUCK?!? So am I crazy, or is her reason to block me after I said I was going to answer her after I went to the toilet plain absurdity? Did she somehow assume I was going to do weird shit at the toilet? Her remark makes no sense to me whatsoever, and I feel like I’m fully within my right to just dismiss her as a paranoid or emotionally liable person and just have the respect towards myself to completely forget about her and just move on, also given the fact that I had tried to contact her a few times before and it never seemed to work out because of what felt like were overreactions and wrongful assumptions about some of the things I had said. But I notice I really struggle with that, and I also notice that I’m still just really hurt by this rejection, even though I should have every right to just say: “F*ck this person. I’m forgetting about her and moving on (even if it’s just to protect myself)” But I already had found myself speaking in some long voice messages which I wanted to sent from another phone in which I talked about how I thought that what she did (blocking me for this) was totally wrong and how she should try to reform the communication choices she makes because it can be so hurtful and giving all the arguments for as to why that is and explaining why she’s not making the world a better place by rejecting and blocking men for things like these. I have spoken in the voice messages, but not actually sent the messages (yet). Maybe I will at some point, maybe I won’t. But letting go of a woman who seems to be either crazy or paranoid as the reason she rejected me, I find an inexplicably difficult task. Perhaps I really just need to talk more deeply with somebody about this. Compare that with the contact I have with Fiona, where her rejection to have contact with me perhaps irritates me, but certainly doesn’t freak me out or make me insecure. If only I could maintain that sort of mental stability and groundedness in my contact with women who I’m actually intimately or sexually attracted to. But I can’t, and I think the primary reason is because I feel like there’s so much at stake for me. I care too much. I feel like I need her so much to just embrace and accept me and be with me. And because of that, I can’t be at ease and I can’t just be chill or detached. How do I get out of this? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I have some ideas but no definitive answers yet. Perhaps I’ll discuss this further in the next post.

Interesting

I can actually attest that forcing yourself to approach girls constantly when you're in essence not truly ready for it can indeed mess you up (to an extent that you weren't already messed up which consequently caused you to repel a lot women). I know, because I was that guy back in 2013 who constantly forced himself to approach women whilst constantly absorbing RSD content (RSD stands for "Real Social Dynamics". A company that now doesn't seem to exist anymore, but was (I thought) quite a revolutionary company the the domain of dating and pick-up back in the day) Now, more than 10 years later, I'm at a phase where I seem to be energized to really start to make serious work of my sex- and intimate life again (not my dating life just yet. You can read my journal for more explicit details on that), but I'm approaching the whole process in a much more conscious manner and listening to myself what I need in which moment. I'm also noticing that positive visualization works quite well for me. I have discovered that excessive force just simply isn't the way to go for me to get results. Maybe it worked for some guys, like RSD Tyler, but it never worked for me. And that was something that I was never warned for. RSD seemed to convey the message that (whether implicit or explicit) quitting cold-approach was a sign of weakness, and that persevering was the only right decision. I found out that that just simply wasn't true. It's not about giving up indefinitely, but one could often do well with an extended break to reflect and perhaps just focus on different parts of one's life that also need attention. Now I know that, if I am to do something like cold-approach some day again, that it's pretty much a requirement that I feel positive and imagine positive outcomes, yet am able to deal gracefully and potentially even compassionately with rejections (in the sense of: I can put myself into her shoes and imagine and sympathize with reasons why she wouldn't have felt comfortable with going on-board with my interest in her. Reasons which might not have had to do much with me as a person at all)

Tuesday, August 27th So I already eluded to it yesterday, but I also want to have a conversation more in regards to sexuality. Of course, dating/relationships and sexuality have a strong connection, but one does not necessarily need to go with the other. In most people’s minds they do, but they don’t have to. Given there are some mental obstacles when it comes to dating that I’ve talked about in my previous post, I’ve been looking for options to explore the domain of sexuality and intimacy without it necessarily needing to be in the context of dating and relationships. I must say that, for the longest time and just like with dating and relationships, I also experienced a great deal of inner resistance when it came to taking action towards exploring intimacy and sexuality. Fortunately though, the last few months that resistance really seems to have started to significantly erode. So what have I been up to, and what do I plan on doing? Paying for one's desires Well... You may have guessed it already, but I was referring to gaining access to women intimately and sexually that involves having to pay for it. I’ll explain myself as to why I think it’s okay to explore this in a moment, but first I want to clarify what exactly I’ve been doing. Paid sex does not necessarily have to imply escorts (although it could). What I have been doing quite frequently (for my standards) as of late is visiting sex clubs and erotic cinemas. I have indeed a couple of times tried some more conventional ways of paid sexual services in the past (indeed escorts and prostitution), but I have also to a small degree explored the option of something called ‘sexual care’, which implies that there is a lady who is specialized in providing sexual services to men who have some form of a disability (whether physical or neurological) and therefore run into problems when it comes to dating in the regular way. I felt that with my autism and ADD diagnosis, I was sufficiently qualified to be signing up for something like that. (by the way, men can also be ‘sexual care’ providers for women here, and there are also homosexuals options for both men and women. So it’s not necessarily ‘women offer services to men’) But I’m sure I’ll talk about this ‘sexual care’ thing some later time. Given that that is not one of the things I have actually explored the past few months, I want to talk about some of the things I indeed have explored. I understand that there is often quite a stigma when it comes to prostitution and paid sex, so I’ll give a little disclaimer and explanation to how I view this topic: Whilst I acknowledge that there’s a lot of shadiness and unethical stuff going on the world of paid sexual services, I refuse to see it as a world that is exclusively dark, depraved and unhealthy, because I truly believe there are healthy and even curative expressions of this whole domain of paid sex, and likewise I think there are healthy and curative ways one can engage themselves with this whole realm (If you step into this domain consciously, I think there’s even ways to grow and potentially even heal yourself if you engage with a woman that I would consider ‘unpleasant’) As a matter of fact, there has been one time where I was going to meet up with a prostitute, and I remember first calling her and she sounded in some way unhappy and frustrated, and then some time later (when I was already on the train to the location), some guy called me who wanted to discuss the details of my appointment with that woman. This did not feel right. This very much felt like a situation where the woman had not out of freedom chosen to be in the position that she was in, so I cancelled the appointment and went back home. Yes, I certainly care that whatever woman I happen to be in an intimate/sexual context with, that she WANTS to be in that situation or at the very least has deliberately chosen to put herself in that situation, accepting the risk that not every experience is going to be a pleasant one if you open yourself up pretty much any guy (I totally understand the discomfort with that idea, so that makes me have even more respect and admiration for the women who consciously make the choice (not feeling forced to be making that decision) to take that risk and own up to the fact that sexual encounters can not always be 100% fun). I could not tell you what percentage of women who are in the world of prostitution or paid sex are in that position because they’re either desperate for money and see no other viable way, or because they are forced by a guy to be in that position. I’d reckon the ratio is certainly different in different parts of the world. But I certainly do care to seek out the women who, at the very least, seem to be at ease and relaxed with the position that they’re in, and don’t give off the vibe that they’re unhappy to be in that position. The best possible scenario is of course when I would meet a woman who is particularly loving and bestowing, and not only willing but actually excited and enthusiastic to be intimate with me, as in that she wants it even more than I want it. Rare breed though, I’d reckon. I do have my sights set on someone who I’d reckon might come close to that. More on that later, perhaps. Some conversation about... (a) club(s) Amongst a few other things, something I’ve been visiting twice in the past month is a sex club that I find having a particularly interesting format that I think suits me really well. So in essence, this sex club is partially a brothel, but partially a bar also It’s interesting, because between the last line I wrote above here and now, a lot of time has actually elapsed. Basically, when I was about to write about this place that I visited twice and I was going to tell how much I liked it and why, it got me thinking that I hadn’t actually been doing very thorough research if there are places like this that may even be closer to where I live. So what happened? I went on a searching binge. In essence, there’s actually two types of... Should I call them brothels? I’ve noticed that the word doesn’t seem to very fashionable, presumably because it has a negative connotation to it. In Dutch, we either talk about a ‘private house’ (literally translated), or just a sex club. There’s also things like swingers clubs, and the interesting thing about that is that what I’ve found to be so far, is that at most of the swingers clubs, single men are welcome (probably because that’s the most lucrative thing to do). I’ve been at clubs or ‘sex saunas’ before where there were no sex workers present, which I didn’t really like, because that implies one has to probably use social skills in order to get something going (and my social skills aren’t always too great 😥), or perhaps one could just be a little bit bold and try to join a couple that is already having sex. I don’t like that as well, although I felt like I could’ve trained myself to get over such a hurdle like that using some positive visualization and just see what happens if I try. But I don’t feel like that’s going to be necessary anymore. So the club I’ve been twice as of late, is one that has some paid ladies present, who are essentially just prostitutes. Well... I better call them ‘sex workers’ because I almost feel that if I were to call them prostitutes, that people reading this would think I wouldn’t have any respect for them (and I do have respect for them) given the word ‘prostitute’ has such a negative connotation to it. So yeah, they are sex workers who actively invite men to have sex with them. As opposed to a private house though, you don’t instantly go into a room with a lady upon entry. Entry to the building costs 80€, but with that 80€ you also get access to a Jacuzzi, a bar, a buffet if you are present at certain times, and you get a coin for which you sexually gain access to one of the paid ladies there for half an hour in a private room. I like the fact that there’s just a lady there who just actively invites you to go to a room with her, since I am quite shy in taking initiative myself in these kind of scenarios (although taking initiative in a scenario like this shouldn’t be that hard, because I know there are ladies present who I can just say any iteration of this to: “Hey, I want to use up this coin (which is a coin to be able to have sex). Can we go into a room together?”, and I know that that’s all I need to do to get things going. I don’t require to first strike up a conversation and needing to be a chatty, flirtatious and interesting person in order to make her want to be intimate with me before she’d feel ready to go some place private (or possibly just a public area, for that matter). That is a big relief of stress and pressure that I don’t feel like I have to do that. And that sets apart this place from another place I’ve been to where every lady present is just a visitor, most likely as being part of a couple (that may or may not accept other men into their sexual play, or may otherwise potentially be very selective about who they do and don’t allow to have a threesome with). My first experience at the club So anyway, the first time I got there, it was actually on a Monday evening in the middle of the holiday season. Consequently, I was literally the only customer there at the time. What I did was first ground myself a little bit by just bathing in the Jacuzzi that was present there, and then I went to the bar to drink a couple of beers to start feeling a little bit looser and more relaxed. Interestingly, right next to me sat one of the sex workers who apparently I had been automatically allocated to. It was an interesting busty, dark-brown woman (I don’t say black because black people are never truly black. Have you actually seen the color black? Do ‘black’ people have the skin color that exactly resembles that color?). I like what she did. Whilst I was still sitting there at the bar drinking some beers, she just started playing with and rubbing my cock a little bit (all the whilst it was still staying in my pants). Yeah, she was very straightforward in her approach. It’s not like we did any (other) sexual acts right then and there, but I like the kind of... unashamed and unapologetic kind of approach to sexuality, to where she is just the one very directly takes the initiative. Not beating around the bush. Obviously, it somewhat makes sense in that context. But nevertheless, I’ve encountered sex workers who tend to be just very passive in their approach. They don’t out of their own initiative go and play with you or your genitals or naughtily invite you to do things with them. They just... open themselves up to you but they are not the ones taking the lead. And perhaps it doesn’t sit very well with my ego which still wants to see me as a dominant, assertive male in the bedroom who is the one who takes the lead and does the thing to make a woman aroused. But perhaps... Perhaps I just like it more when the woman is the one who takes the initiative. Especially when I don’t feel at ease so much and perhaps a bit nervous. I think once I start getting more comfortable and acquainted in the domain of intimacy and sexuality, I feel like I’d probably naturally feel the desire to be more leading and more assertive in the bedroom. For now, perhaps it is indeed just the best for me when the woman is the one who takes the initiative; Or at least prior to us getting into the bedroom leading up to it. Well actually, I feel like if I’d be too passive in the bedroom, I don’t feel like I can properly engage with my own sexuality Anyway... (big language trigger warning ahead by the way for the next couple of bits. I'll justify/explain my vulgarity in a couple of paragraphs) My experience with her was really good. When we did go into that private room, the couple of beers really helped me to just be a lot looser, and yet did not seem to have an effect on the quality of my erection. So I felt like it just right about hit the sweet spot for me. The orgasm was great also. I came inside her (in a condom of course) when she was laying flat on her belly and me just fucking her whilst basically laying on top of her. One thing that really pushed me over the edge is when she actually squeezed her butt cheeks a little bit when we were in that position. That tighter sensation on my cock really did it for me (which also further increases my suspicion that anal sex might be the thing that would feel the best for me. Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten to try yet, though) Might be the best sex I’ve ever had (mind you, I haven’t had sex all that many times tho). My second experience at the club Second time at that place, which was just a couple of days back, I was actually (as it turned out) way later to enter the place than I should have been. Yes, there were some significant delays on my part, but It was open until 3AM and I rang the doorbell just before 2AM, thinking that if it was anything like the last time I went there, one hour should be sufficient. Turned out that the woman who opened the door was very surprised and me being that late. Given that I had the expectation that there’d probably be a lot of guys anyway who wouldn’t stay there for very long, I was surprised that she was surprised. I suppose it was indeed a lot more custom to stay there for quite a bit longer than i had been there previous time, but the difference in the situation was that it was now a Friday night, and that most people would’ve been back from holiday yet not having their vacation ended yet in the sense that they didn’t have to go back to work again. So perhaps that explained her surprise, since it must have been a significantly busier evening where (I was told) the upper area also had been open, and indeed a buffet had been present. The jacuzzi also had already been closed, which i found to be unfortunate. Anyway though, the woman at the door explained that there wouldn’t be a lot of time for me to hang around in the public area if I was going to go to a private room with one of the ladies of pleasure there. I think she full-on expected me to be the kind of person who would have the natural inclination to be hanging around the place for hours there, because I suppose that is what most people did there on a Friday night? I did not feel like there was such a reason to be all that hurried, since I also did not expect to need the 30 minutes with the girl that the coin would’ve allowed me to, but feeling their sense of time pressure, I think I myself also suffered under that when it came to my relaxation level when I actually did go into the room with this lady that I was going to have sex with. Despite her being very attractive and having all the curves in the right places, and on top of that her also being around my age and just seeming like an overall sweet, kind and supportive girl, I did have some issues really getting off. We had sex in different positions and I was really grateful for the fact that there seemed to be so little limitations is what she allowed me to do with her (she allowed me to hug for a longer period of time without me making feel weird about asking it, she allowed me to kiss, she allowed me to eat her out, she allowed me to play with her body (she didn’t allow anal, though)). However though, like I said, I had some issues really fully relaxing and getting to the point of ejaculation. What helps best to get me to cum anyway in situations like these, is to simply jerk off to her (in this case, whilst she was laying down so I could just spray over her body. She didn’t want it over her face). I suppose I am so used to being able to get myself off through masturbation, that it is often the easiest way for me to get to ejaculation. Part of that has to do with —I think— the fact that a vagina doesn’t tend to be so tight when compared to the tight grip of my hand (I tend to have a really firm grip when I masturbate). So if I’m not really horny, it is difficult sometimes for me to cum in actual sex because I’m used to having a really tight sensation around my cock. This is potentially also why the orgasm was so great with the other girl I met a month prior in the same place because she clenched her buttcheeks, and for a similar reason I want to start looking for girls in the future that allow me to have anal sex with them (or maybe I instruct them to clench their buttcheeks 😁. But I don’t know if this will work with every girl because this girl had a properly big ass so the reason it may have been effective could have been because she had so much to work with 😂. However, when I am horny enough to just cum in a vagina, I don’t think it really matters too much. If I am able to cum anyway, I am not sure if it would matter if it were anal sex or vaginal sex with or without clenched buttcheeks. But there is only one way to find out, and that is to eventually fuck some assholes 😏. A little explainer I wonder if the language I used in the last three paragraphs made some people dislike me. But yup, that’s what I said I was going to (potentially) do. Be raw in my language. Be unfiltered. People may assume that using this language means that all I am in the domain of sexuality is an animalistic pervert who does not care about gentleness and respect towards women, but I honestly think that just isn’t true. I just care about being able to own up to the sexual animal that I —in part— am. Although I understand that there’s a lot of acting involved, I have seen too many porn videos in which the woman not only doesn’t mind it if the guy is being very raw, animalistic, perverted and even forceful in the way he approaches having sex with her, but that she actually likes that he is being that way. In fact, quite a lot of women LOVE it. Prime example is Sasha Grey (look her up if you haven’t already), but there are so many other examples. The point I’m making is: Just because I’m being very vulgar and animalistic when I describe the sexual encounters that I’ve had, does not by necessity mean that therefore I wouldn’t care for the soul that lives insides that woman’s body. Because for me, it doesn’t mean that. There is an aspect within me that DOES care for her overall well-being. But sometimes, I also just want to allow the sexual animal inside of me to also be set free, without it for once not needing to be politically correct in the way I approach a woman in the bedroom. Which, by the way, doesn’t mean I entirely lose my sensitivity and my mental acuity as to how my actions affect her. It is, quite frankly, tiresome and burdensome to feel like on a sexual or romantic level I always have to engage with a woman in a manner that I won’t offend or trigger her. That I have to be polite, cautious, respectful, and generally be just like a gentleman. And social conditioning making me feel like I ALWAYS need to be that way in my interactions with women has gathered a lot of frustration within me over the years. It’s not like I don’t care or don’t want to be all of those things (respectful, gentle, cautious), but there are also moments where I want to feel okay to NOT be like that, because I know she can (probably) take it. And if I try to be a little bit bold, daring and wild and it doesn’t turn out well and she gets overwhelmed, then i always have to option of just slowing down, asking her how she’s feeling, and to caretake the fact that she got overwhelmed by something I did. In this way, whatever damage I may have done can immediately be repaired and restored, and in this way I believe she is able to trust me more deeply because she knows that if I overwhelm her that I have the sensitivity and mental acuity to first stop or slow down, and then to caretake her overwhelm. I feel that approaching a sexual/romantic/intimate encounter in this way, would actually probably be better than just being a cautious gentleman all of the time, because in this way, there arises a greater opportunity to explore her (and really both of our) boundarie(s), making the sex more intense and the orgasms deeper. I think she might end up being thankful that I wasn’t overly cautious. I do understand however that the more sensitive and vulnerable the girl, the better it indeed would be to employ a careful approach. The degree of boldness I feel would be appropriate to exert, I feel would be directly related to how she responds to my attempts to push the boundaries of our intimate/sexual interaction (it also depends a lot in regards to the context in which we’re meeting one another). Anyways... What does that club hold in the future for me? One thing that was lacking in both situations that I had at that sex club, was that it wasn’t a good context to stay there for very long. As I had already explained, the first time it was on a completely deserted Monday evening, and the second time was an epicly later arrival when most guests had already departed (luckily, the ladies of pleasure hadn’t yet). Next time, I want to be there on a fairly busy day and earlier in the evening and stay there for a longer time, to see if I can vibe a little bit more with the place and the people that are present there (including the girls). I would want to stay there for at least two hours, and also explore the upstairs area there. I think it can be quite helpful for me to become a little bit more acquainted and affiliated with the place in order to relax more, which hopefully also translates in the bedroom. I’m also curious if there would be women there who wouldn’t be employed by the club and therefore come completely there out of their own volition. There is also a gangbang-evening once every month, but I’m not even sure if I want to be there if there wouldn’t be any of the paid ladies present (although there might be), because I seriously doubt my ability to become more unstifled in that situation and engage sexually with a female guest. But maybe that’ll be good for me to try. To set a serious intention for me to try that. Exploring other possibilities Last but not least, I’ve been considering actually going to one of these private houses... Maybe even today! Remember: These private houses were different from sex clubs in the sense that there isn’t a bar or anything; There are just rooms and the girls who will receive you in those rooms. The reason I’m excited to try that out, is because there is an option to go into a Jacuzzi with a girl. I feel like a Jacuzzi can really help me to relax, ease my nerves and any tension I may have, and have a good conversation with the girl about my (sexual/(lack of) dating) life. In that way, I hopefully can feel like I can connect with her more deeply, which then hopefully would also translate into the quality of the sex that we would be having. Because I am really looking to find the kind of context or environment that will just help me to relax and be at ease the most. What do I need for that? That’s a question I intend to experiment with the upcoming months (assuming I don’t have a sudden drop-off of motivation or start encountering big inner walls again in the area of sexuality, which is totally a possibility). By the way, I notice I tend to oscillate in my life between ‘wanting to have a steady relationship (even if it’s poly-amorous) with a woman’, and ‘wanting to be the sexual adventurer that wants all kinds of experiences and doesn’t want to settle for any one particular thing’. It’s hard for me to figure out how to strike a clean balance between those two aspects of myself.

Monday August 26th, 2024 Okay, so now let’s actually dive into it. Where to start? There is so much that I want to be talking about, and I’m quite sure I’m not going to have the energy and focus to write about everything that is on my mind right now in one go. And that’s okay. Some things that are holding me back Maybe it’s best to give the reader an overview of where I’m at right now. As far as relationships is concerned, there is not that much to say, unfortunately. I am single, and I seem to be encountering some kind of chronic wall of resistance within myself when it comes to setting a strong intention to start dating a bunch and putting in the work and determination to make that happen. And I find it quite hard to exactly put my finger on as to why that is. There are some reasons I’ve already been able to identify, but yet I can’t help to feel there’s gotta be more to it. One of the reasons I recently became aware of that’s holding me back from actively trying to date right now, is the fact that at this moment in my life, I don’t feel like I can offer enough strength and stability for a woman to be in a monogamous relationship with me. If a woman wants to seek out a partner, obviously it is natural for her (in most cases) to be wanting to seek out someone who can offer her a lot of attention and love, someone who isn’t very insecure and needy and is generally just confident and stable, and someone who isn’t very wishy-washy and constantly doubting himself and coming up against all kind of inner obstacles all the time, making the whole process so arduous and complicated. And I kind of feel like I am that kind of person at the moment of writing this. Quite confused and uncertain what he wants in a relationship, and on top of that actually just very insecure with strong need for her to generally just adequately give me her attention and focus, and certainly for her to not wait too long with responding to my messages on Whatsapp (if it takes too long this is something that can make me very insecure and I can easily freak out about that). I am just very sensitive to rejection and feeling abandoned in relationships. Even though I’ve never actually had a romantic relationship, I can pretty much already tell that this will be the case in this moment of my life. And It’s like I don’t want to put that kind of pressure on her for her to be that kind of woman that will almost always be there for me within a short period of time when I want her to answer to something that I’ve sent her. I also don’t want to put the pressure on her for her to be dealing with someone who ironically tends to be someone who is very wishy-washy and often slow to respond to messages (which is not because I don’t care, but because I tend to need a lot of processing time), and someone who is very needy. I can’t imagine many women go out on a date looking for someone like that, or even to be generally just open to that. And I don’t want to feel like I have to carry the responsibility of being someone for her who presents himself with a certain degree of strength and stability, because in fact, I do actually want a relationship in which I can feel like it’s totally okay to be vulnerable (more on this some later time) One could argue that many of these supposed negative traits I possess (I don’t like to judge so quickly but for a lack of better terms I just use ‘negative’ and ‘positive’) must have some positive traits within them as well. And I do think that’s true, but at this moment it feels like I’m pulling a lot more than I am able to give back. Although I must say that I do seem to vary in how strong and grounded my consciousness seems to from week to week or month to month (or even just day to day), which means that this lack of 'something to offer' actually doesn't seem to be so applicable even right this moment as I'm writing this, since I'm feeling now that I'm tapping into higher consciousness, which is a place where FOR SURE I know that I have a lot to offer from. The emotional and sexual guide/provider/supporter archetype That is not to say that there wouldn’t be any women out there in the world that wouldn’t be willing to fulfill the role of someone who is happy to be the kind of woman who wants to take on that role of being a ‘provider of intimate, sexual and emotional support’ without really needing anything in return as a loving act of compassion and service, but I’d reckon those women are probably quite scarce, and there’s almost this question within myself of “Well why would I deserve to be getting someone like that right now, when there’s so much I need to develop myself so I can become that kind of man that can offer a lot to women?”. Don’t get me wrong. When I question of whether or not I deserve it or not, it doesn’t come out of a general place of unworthiness, but it’s more a question of whether it is justified for God or existence or whathaveyou to grant me the type of woman right now that would be this loving, kind woman who is willing to give me everything without needing anything in return (including not needing a sense of safety or containment or stability within the relationship). But if this kind of woman crosses my path and lets it be known that she wants to be that kind of woman for me, there’s no way in hell I’m going to pass on that opportunity. But it does feel like a bit of a tricky paradox to be in. I might be wrong, but i feel that the best way for me to become a strong, charismatic, attractive and confident lover within a relationship (or just in general), is to meet the kind of woman who is this sweet-hearted soul who is willing to give me everything of herself and is willing to completely let me enter her in both her soul and her body (I think that for women in particular, the body is the vehicle in which love can be expressed and offered in its deepest form. Certainly I feel it to be that way. This certainly includes (but is not limited to) sexual acts and offerings. Although she may have perfectly valid and understandable reasons not to, this is why I personally don’t feel like I can feel the extent of a woman’s love and compassion to the fullest degree unless she is willing to (at some point) be sexual and intimate with me. Whether this is factually the case or not, if she’s not willing to be intimate and sexual with me, to me it still feels like she’s holding back from loving me fully, regardless of how friendly and compassionate she is otherwise. This also, by the way, is in part the reason men tend to be so much more actively looking for and craving sex than women do within a neutral context, which is something that women don’t always seem to fully understand or acknowledge, because they generally are wired a bit differently. (I am sure I will delve even deeper into this subject some later time)). Back on track So i’d imagine that if I were to meet a woman who is willing to give herself to me fully and needs nothing in return and is very respectful and patient and forgiving and gentle with me (and answers messages quickly and attentively 😁), that she would get me to a point where I would be a confident and competent lover. But then... again: if I don’t feel like I have all to much that offer right now romantically (in a general sense I do think there’s much deeper value within me, but I don’t think I’m in a phase where I frequently tap into the strongest version of myself. But this is something that could potentially change without it even taking that much time), then who am I exactly to be expecting or requesting such an awesome woman to come along? Yet... I feel like I need that kind of woman to (more easily) become that stronger romantic version of myself, where in that state, I would be deserving that kind of awesome woman. You see my paradox? I feel like I need A to be getting to B, but in order to deserve A, I need to be B first. But I CAN’T be B because I don’t deserve A just yet! I’m sure it’s not all so simplistic as I make it out to be here. Maybe i need to consider the possibility that I actually do karmicly deserve this awesome woman that I’m describing, despite certain insecurities/shortcoming I may have. It may also not need to be this picture of this ‘perfect’ kind of woman who is confident and strong (in a feminine kind of way), but it could also be... Dating and relating as if we were children So one permutation of the kind of woman that I would like to meet is this kind of ‘romantic/intimate/sexual guide’ archetype that I just described. Another possibility I reckon would be the kind of girl/woman who just like me, also carries a lot of vulnerability/insecurity. Or maybe it’s not even about being insecure, but rather someone who is just very childlike in their approach to a (romantic) relationship. When I say ‘childlike’ I don’t mean that in a negative sense. Let me explain: I dream about meeting a woman romantically, but it’s as if we were children. With that I mean we both have a childlike innocence in the way we communicate with each other, which means we not only express our vulnerabilities and our innocence, but we in fact appreciate and like this about each other. Our relationship with one another would be as if we were a 7-year old boy and girl, where there would be no scripts, there would be no masks, there would be no hiding. And from that innocence, we’d feel totally free and accepted to not only express any fears and insecurities that we may have, but we’d also feel completely free to experiment with each other both as the souls and the bodies that we are. And mind you, even though we are in many respects like 7-year olds, a crucial way in which we differ from actual 7-year olds (besides life experience) is the fact that we have a fully-developed sexual system. So be aware that this experimentation and adventurousness I’m talking about is happening within the context of this crucial piece of information. Yes, I dream about something like this. To meet each other from a place of innocence; To have that be the foundation of our relationship in which every fear, vulnerability and desire is seen, accepted and embraced lovingly and gracefully by one another. A relationship in which we don’t judge one another for not meeting the societal standards of what an ideal partner would look like. A relationship in which our quirkiness and weirdness can also be embraced and even enjoyed. A relationship in which love flows so easily, because there are no artificial masks and barriers created in order to protect ourselves from our fears and vulnerabilities. And of course, a relationship in which we can explore each other physically. Where we can explore touch, smell, physical affection and were we let our hands, lips and genitals go wherever they want to go without restraint and (self-)judgment. A relationship in which we also feel free to try things like... Nude wrestling. SM-style sexual encounters. Dominant and submissive play. Extremely long hugs just to see what happens, or laying blissfully in bed and spooning against each other after a wild sexual experience. I feel inclined to suspect that these type of women generally are women who are... neurodivergent. Let me explain. I myself have been diagnosed with both autism and ADD. What I have seen having encountered some other women with autism in environments for autistic people, is that they generally carry a much greater degree of unguardedness, innocence and vulnerability around them than the average person. I find the type of energy that they carry themselves with because of the aforementioned traits very attractive. I am very interested in this kind of woman who just seems to be so... Pure and innocent. I feel like this is not only the case with autistic women, but with many other neurodivergent types, including for instance those who are mentally disabled. They too tend to often have this kind of innocence, authenticity and unguardedness to them (whether they are date-material or not is another topic of discussion) So... Look for an autistic girl? Well, perhaps... But one thing that bothers me with that is that I know that the ratio of autistic men and autistic women tends to be quite asymmetrical. I know of a dating-service that connects autistic men and women to one another, and they had to put a stop to the amount of men signing up for it because the discrepancy between men and women was just too big. This I find to be a problem. Not only in regards to this specific dating-service, but I kind of just HATE the idea of finding myself in this highly-competitive environment where you really have to struggle to out-compete others because there is a very high demand and a very limited supply. I don’t want to have to struggle and have to fight and have to go the extra mile in order to get an opportunity to be with or even date a girl like that. So that’s honestly one of the main reasons if not THE main reason I haven’t even tried something like that (although I perfectly understand the logic of ‘you always miss if you never shoot’.) In fact, I find that in a more general sense I just kind of hate the idea of needing to acquire a limited resource in a very competitive environment (although I do wonder this has to do with the fact that I would sometimes incorrectly estimate myself to not have much of a chance to ‘win’ this competition). For instance: There’s a very limited amount of houses available in big cities in the Netherlands right now, and a very high demand. There are people who almost make it a day-job to sign up for as many opportunities to MAYBE get allocated a house, being one of the 500 who is trying to do the same. I wouldn’t imagine myself being able to do something like that over and over again and getting disappointed every single time (which is a response I need to really start working on: The ability to stay positive, hopeful and determined even in the face of continuous disappointment. One has to be able to consciously train and alter that negative response that gets people to become cynical and hopeless into a positive one, even if negative results persist (I’ve already noticed that visualization can work well with this)). So... What now? So... What is best for me to do? Well... I do feel that if I start to make a serious attempt to start dating a bunch (or even just once), that I need to 1) feel positive and optimistic about both the experience and the outcome and 2) feel like I have the resources to properly handle a rejection or a disappointing experience/outcome without feeling too down or pessimistic about both the date itself and future dates going forward. And I think both responses can be trained. It has to be possibility to, right? I just have to be willing to try hard enough to get myself to associate dating with more positivity and hope (without becoming delusional). Because this would’ve been one of the main things that held me back for so long: The expectation of a negative experience or result. The cynicism, the fear of ‘getting my hopes up only for them to be crushed’, the images in my mind of women responding with disapproval or disinterest in who I am and what I’m trying to bring to the table, the expectation of a feeling of even greater powerlessness and hopelessness once the date is over with, it having turned into a heart-wrenching rejection. Yes, There HAS TO be the possibility to change that association. In fact, i have been doing some visualizations as of late, and I already start to feel more positive when I imagine interactions with women; Especially in regards to sexual activity. I honestly feel that if I don’t change the way I feel about all of this (dating, intimacy, sexuality), then I will stay stuck. If I change the way I can feel about it and envision it, then I feel like there’s serious reasons to feel optimistic and hopeful. In fact, I have already made some progress in the sexual front in particular. I suppose that’s a little teaser for you all in what I may very well be talking about in my next post 😉 (but I might also talk about something else). Open relationship/Poly-amory? Last but not least: I have also been thinking about perhaps focusing on poly-amorous/open relationships rather than trying to arrange a monogamous one. The one way in which this might be helpful in particular is the fact that it removes the pressure from me to carry the (felt sense of) responsibility to be the kind of person who has all the different aspects and qualities that she is looking for in a man. Simply put: I might very well have some qualities and traits that she’s really into, but there will be certain qualities that she wants to see in a partner that I don’t (currently) embody, and in order to fulfil that desire, she can simply look for another man who DOES possess those qualities. And then we can share her, and perhaps I will myself even look for other partners as well whilst I am having an intimate relationship with the girl I already talked about. I am honestly not against sharing a girl, as long another partner does not completely start to replace me and she only still is around me just because she is too worried to hurt me by rejecting me. I still want her to feel like there are ways in which she can derive value from the unique characteristics that I possess. That being said, if her motive for her to be with me and share herself with me would be one of genuine compassion, loving kindness and servitude, that in and of itself might just so happen to be sufficient. In the best possible scenario, us sharing partners does not detract or diminish the experience we have with one another, but it only enriches it because we do not feel constrained and limited by each other’s expectation to be monogamous. And for whatever quality or trait that we desire to experience in our partner that they do not currently seem to embody very deeply, we can simply find another partner that DOES have these qualities, whilst obviously not breaking up with one another and making use of the qualities that we do have. So should I seek out partners who are openly poly-amorous or in an open relationship? Perhaps that might be the best option, as it would feel for them there is far less to lose given that I don’t need to be everything that they want, which also decreases the pressure from me personally. There is a kind of freedom in that, in which there is just no need to be ultra-selective for either of us because there is far less at stake than there is in a monogamous relationship. In a monogamous relationship, you have made an agreement that you are going to stick to one another even if certain of your needs are not being met in that relationship, which can lead to frustration and cheating (which at that point, you might as well decide to either break up or just make it an open relationship anyway if you can’t satisfy the fundamental romantic/intimate/sexual needs of your partner). To be continued, I suppose... Next time, I might very speak about the sexual experiences I’ve had in the past couple of months and in which context they took place and what I learned from them (but maybe I won’t talk about this, we’ll see). By the way, typing all of this feels actually quite therapeutic. I feel like it gives me clarity and release to get all of these thoughts out of my system and on paper. PS: If you're a woman reading this who lives within a radius of let's say... 60KM from Nijmegen, The Netherlands, and you happen to be interested in who I am describing myself to be (or you would be happy to be of service to me 🙂), just know that this forum has a messaging system 😁. (I know I have talked about these internal walls I experience when it comes to dating, but I do feel like it would make a difference if I'm not the one taking the initiative here, and if I know I'm already being accepted because of everything I've already revealed about myself) I'm not delusional though, and I understand —irregardless of my own inherent worth— that this attempt that I'm putting out here doesn't have much chance of success of being responded to just given the fact that this is not a dating site, nor are most people local to my area. At the same time though, I feel like I might as well because I don't really see any downside to posting a request like this, as long as I don't attach myself to the outcome and don't realistically expect anything to come from this.

Hi Leo (and all the rest). Watching your most recent video (regarding Andrew Tate) has been somewhat sobering, as it did make me realize I thought of Andrew Tate a little bit higher than I should have, although I never considered him to be some sort of god and I was aware of many of his (potential) flaws right from the beginning. I found myself disagreeing with. This point isn't so much about Andrew Tate but rather, it's more about a general principle. At some point in the video, you mentioned that sometimes you get messages from people willing to offer you a $1000 or more donation without you needing to do anything in return (at least I assume they don't ask for anything in return), and then you happen to decline their offer, saying that it's not necessary and that their biggest repayment of gratitude would be to do the work you're talking about in your videos. You frame it in your video as if you would be leeching off of them if you actually were to accept their donation. First of all, I find it strange you would consider it a form of leeching off someone if they offer to donate you that money completely out of their own volition without you pressuring them to do so. To leech off someone is to pressure them in subtle or overt ways to do something in order for your own benefit, and since you did none of that and that they were after all the one initiating the conversation, I don't see in what way you're leeching off of them. The only possible way I can think of is that you're too easily making use of their actions in an overly emotional moment, and that you're unwilling to remind them to stay objective and detached in order to prevent them from making a decision they're going to regret later. May you be leeching off of someone in that way? Possibly, in some way of looking at it. But we'll get back to this point later. The second thing is that there is a double standard here: Why do you have a Patreon account which you advertise at the end of your videos, yet then refuse someone to make a big donation to you? The third and probably most important point: Why would you automatically consider this a win-lose situation? I'm not sure if this is one of your reasons you refuse their donation or you're just merely or mainly doing it for the reasons for what you would consider to be integrity, but I do think it's important to elaborate on this point, as there is a very significant misunderstanding here in our culture People often think that refusing someone's unconditional offer in the form of goods, services or money is the noble and right thing to do and that to accept it would make them a selfish and insensitive person. Yes, there certainly are people out there who accept the gestures, help and donations that other people give without considering the other person at all and simply just caring for what they can get for themselves, but there's also a totally different way of looking at it. People often just like to be able to help others. To refuse someone's offer is often literally to refuse the possibility of making someone happy by them being able to help or serve you. An example: Some months ago I was going to a festival with some buddies of mine. I was going to travel by bus to an entry point of a highway, which would be the place these buddies of mine would pick me up with the van they had. I was talking about this when my neighbour happened to be in my home talking to my mother. This neighbour then offered to give me a ride to the place I needed to be at rather than me taking the bus to get there. I could've acted 'humble' at that moment and refused her offer, saying that it wasn't that much more of an issue to take the bus instead (which it wasn't. It would've only bought me about 10 minutes in time). But instead of doing the 'humble' thing, I accepted her offer and therefore the next morning, she drove me to the point at the entry of the highway I needed to be at. Why did I accept her offer? Was it only because I merely cared about myself and didn't care about the fact that she needed to sacrifice something? No. It was because I saw this was going to be a win-win situation. In the words of my mother: "How on earth is that a win-win situation?". I answered her that my neighbour was very glad to be able to offer this service to me, and she enjoyed being able to help me. It wasn't on an emotional level truly something that was a loss or a negative experience, even though she did need to sacrifice time and energy. Just because she needed to sacrifice time and energy doesn't mean I put my neighbour through a negative experience. She liked to do it and I liked to receive her offer. Therefore, it's a win-win. In fact, even if it were a hypothetical situation where accepting her offer would practically be putting me at a disadvantage, I might have STILL accepted her offer because I would've realized that me accepting this offer would've literally provided her with a pathway to be able to express her heart. I in fact still think to this day that me accepting her offer to help me was probably a greater gift to her than it was for me. Therefore, refusing someone's offer can in fact be MORE selfish than accepting it at times. Because this sense of nobility you get after refusing someone's offer, making you think about yourself as a good person, can in fact just be another way of the ego to inflate it's own sense of self and superiority. And by acting on your kneejerk reaction to refuse someone's offer to help you, you might lose sight of the big picture and end up disappointing them more than you are being a burden to them. By the way: I know that the way I'm putting this might sound pretty accusatory right now, Leo, but I'm just making a general point. This is not meant to be an attack. Something to mention still: It is possible of course that these people who want to donate to you want to do it so out of a moment of emotional infatuation. They might not properly understand the significance of the amount they're about to donate and they may indeed come to regret it later on if they were to follow through on it. This is indeed a proper issue to be wary of, because sometimes people get overly emotional and get in that sense pretty stupid (no offense) and end up doing something that ends up putting them in a very difficult situation later on. That IS indeed something to be careful of and it IS indeed a sign of integrity to be cautious with that and to have preventative measures in place in order to prevent people from making overly hasty decisions. However, I do think people generally won't end up regretting it and I think that most people who want to donate such amounts consider the money being better off in Leo's wallet than in their own pocket because Leo may end up doing great things with it where as far as themselves are concerned they may not have great plans for it or a great need for it. Just check in with these people and make sure they don't make overly rushed decisions, that's all. Otherwise, consider that them donating to you, Leo, may end up being a win-win situation for the both of you and that refusing their offer may in some sense even create a lose-lose situation for the both of you. Don't do something like that in the name of 'humility', because doing something like that isn't true humility if it's an action that is not in accord with the bigger picture or the greater good.

Some of you may know Wes Watson. He has around 430K subs on Youtube now. For those who don't know him, let me give you a quick overview He's probably one of the most extreme people you will ever witness. He's an ex-convict who now is an entrepreneur, a fitness coach, and Youtube personality where he usually shouts, screams, yells and swears at you with his shirt off, showing his ripped, bulging, vein-covered torso full of prison tattoos. He can come across as extremely aggressive and angry, yet there's a silver lining in his over-the-top appearance and that is the things he talks about and the way he talks about it I stumbled upon his channel I think about 2 years ago. My initial impression? I think it is an impression or an initial reflex so many of us have when we're familiarized with the higher stages (green, yellow, turquoise): "Wow... this guy is waaaay too much over the top". Nevertheless, I was intrigued because I could also sense that despite or irregardless of his extremely aggressive style and his constant swearing this guy has a lot of integrity and has an important message to share with the world. Over time, when I let go more and more of the biases that come with the (self-)conditioned habits of valuing a soft, gentle approach to life over a more tough, militant approach to life, I started to appreciate the character of Wes Watson more and more, whilst still being aware of his limitations and his partiality. To me, Wes Watson is exemplary of what an (extremely) strong and (generally) healthy combination of stage Red (Energy, Vitality, Aggression), stage Blue (Integrity, Discipline, Virtue, Work ethic) and stage Orange (Ambition, Purpose, Achievement-orientation) is supposed to look like. His (stage) Blue makes sure that his Red isn't totally chaotic, impulsive and out of control. With discipline, integrity and virtue, he makes sure that his stage Red energy and vitality finds a pathway in which it supports and strengthens both himself and people and society at large rather than destroy it with his impulsiveness and blind selfishness creating a dystopia. Likewise, his Red energy makes sure his Blue isn't dull, uninspiring and mediocre, giving you the jolt that may just be required to get you to see the significance of what he's saying. His Orange ambition makes it so his Red vitality finds an extrinsic meaning and purpose to life (whereas blue was about finding intrinsic or 'spiritual' meaning and purpose) and makes it so he can be strategical, creative and clever with the Red energy that he has. Meanwhile, his Red energy and vitality gives his Orange ambitions an extra edge, makes it so he can push himself even harder towards his goals and therefore making him evolve and grow faster than he otherwise would have. It also makes him a much more effective motivator and source of inspiration because his free-flowing aggression, passion and emotionality can strike people much more at their core than rational, cold logic could do on its own. And his Orange ambition also makes it so that his Blue integrity and discipline can expand and manifest something great into the world, rather than stay stuck in a mediocre 9 to 5 job or alike. Meanwhile, his Blue integrity and discipline for one makes sure that his Orange doesn't become overly self-indulgent, narcissistic and indifferent towards other people, and it also makes his Orange ambitions more structured, stable and secure rather than making long-term (or even short-term) errors because of greed and myopia. I think both conservatives and progressives can learn a lot from Wes Watson, but I think progressives in particular can learn a lot from him because it is not uncommon for progressives to have failed to properly integrate lessons that needed to be learned from the stages lower on the spiral. I also think he's a very good example to teach the mid-range stages of the spiral properly (assuming Red falls into that category, which it may not but lets assume it does). He's not a careless, selfish entrepreneur who acres about nothing but his own gain, because Wes has integrity and strong sense of personal and collective responsibility. He's also not a religious ascetic who is very keen on adhering to moral dictates and being disciplined, because Wes has materialistic ambition. He also doesn't even fall into the category of a responsible, integral entrepreneur, because due to his stage Red traits, Wes has the vitality, embodied passion and emotional impact on other people that those other entrepreneurs don't have. Wes Watson also made me think about the difference between being mature and being evolved. Wes Watson isn't super evolved. He primarily oscillates through the regions of stage Red, Blue and Orange. Although interestingly, I've also seen him talk about vibrations, energy, love, law of attractions and other topics that would suggest he would have some proficiency in one or more of the higher stages (Green/Yellow/Turquoise). This is however hard to pinpoint for me because his Red/Blue/Orange is so overshadowing that it makes it very hard to detect expressions from the stages above it. If he's got some Green, Yellow or Turquoise energy present at all within him, it's at the very least not very dominant. I'm at least not going to treat him as a teacher or embodiment of stage Green/Yellow/Turquoise lessons. But even though he's not super evolved, I do think he's far more mature than most people, including most people who have a lot of proficiency of the higher stages within them. You're not going to convince me that a neo-marxist hippie who lives in his parents' basement smoking weed all day is going to be more mature than Wes Watson (and by the way, I myself actually live with my parents being kinda hippie-like), even though he may be in some way more conscious and spirally evolved. I myself don't consider myself more mature than Wes Watson, even though I know I'm quite deep into stage Yellow. I do consider him to be more mature than me, even though I feel there's also a lot of lessons he could learn from me. But I feel like there's just as much lessons I could learn from him. What I would wish for Wes Watson over the coming years and decades is that he starts to let go of his obsession with being extremely tough and hard on himself, and that he would allow himself to explore his feminine side more, and to soften and loosen up a little bit and become more compassionate both towards himself and towards other people. I wish for him that he would start to see the value of being more soft even as a man (he actually has made several video's saying that people and especially men should never allow themselves to become soft), without him necessarily losing his capacity to be really tough and hard if he feels like that's what's called for. I wish for him that he would stop seeing the world so black-and-white and that he would start seeing that there's value and meaning in every perspective. In essence: I wish he would start to embody more stage Green and Yellow qualities in himself without him necessarily losing his Red/Blue/Orange edge, and I feel like this is what's required for him to make the greatest possible impact on the world. Let me know what you think of the character that is Wes Watson. Here's a link to his Youtube channel, by the way. Seems like he's just bought a new mansion at the time of writing this. Good for him https://www.youtube.com/@GPPenitentiaryLifeWesWatson

Somewhat coincidentally (or maybe not?) Leo just made a video about the topic of double standards and hypocrisy. Here's another one for you. I wanted to make a separate topic for this since I've already held the idea to post this longer in my mind and i think it's a very significant counterargument to the idea that there would only be one life; That hte body is just all you are, and that after you die, there will be nothing. Even more interested that I am by providing my counterargument against that, I even relish more in the fact of pointing out the hypocrisy and the absurdity of someone who considers themselves to be an atheist and a rationalist at the same time, which is a very common combination. Most likely, someone who is an atheist is probably also a rationalist and vice versa. They tend to go hand in hand. So what is this so-called absurd hypocrisy I'm talking about? And why do I dare to go as far as to call it absurd? Because the notion that there is only one life is statistically completely impossible. The same actually also goes for the notion that you would end up either in hell or in heaven after this life, even apart from the fact that there is is no fairness or logic whatsoever in the fact that you would either be in a place where everything is stunningly awesome and blissful or absolutely awful and horrendous for eternity for whatever you're able to do or not do in this finite lifespan. But at least these religions that claim that there is a heaven and hell are at least not hypocrites; Or at the very least not at the same level as people who are both Rationalist and Atheists. Rationalists claim that reality can be best understood by using rational logic. Atheists belief there is no God, no afterlife, and no soul that lives on after death. But think about this though: How is there statistically even more than exactly 0% chance that in this 80 years or so that you're alive on this earth that you would even happen to exist at all were it not for the fact that you as a conscious being existed for eternity? Because existence is eternally long, and something finite —no matter how much of that finite thing or quality there is— it still will always be 0% compared to infinity or eternity. Let me repeat that just so it sinks in: Statistically, the chance that you would be alive right now in this body is exactly 0% if you would only have one life. And I don't care about your argument that existence started with the Big Bang. The Big Bang as far as I'm concerned is just a fallacy of an argument to cover up that existence can only be eternal. How can somehow something come out of completely nothing, but then actually absolutely completely nothing? I'm not even talking about nothing in a material sense, but also nothing in an energetical sense, and nothing in a metaphysical sense, and really nothing in any sense whatsoever; Not even out of Godly potential or whatever, because even THAT is a something in the way I speak of it now (and atheists don't believe in God anyway so what does that matter?). How can then suddenly something arise out of absolutely, ABSOLUTELY nothing? That's totally absurd. And even if you were to dismiss all of what I just said the chance of your existence if there were only one life would still not be more than 0.000000001% or something like that. So that's where the absurd hypocrisy is at with people who would consider themselves to be both Rationalist and Atheists. They believe there is no God and no Afterlife and no soul that lives on after their body is dead, and they also believe that if there were some reason to belief in a life after their body has gone that there needs to be proof of it, but they completely forsake the fact that mathematically speaking the chance of them existing right here right now is exactly 0%. But isn't Rationalism supposed to be... rational? And isn't the argument I just made about the chance of them existing that it is 0% if there was only one life, isn't that argument fully and completely rational? And isn't mathematics and logical linear thinking like I just did part of what rationalists consider to be so valuable and sacred? I think it is. And if that is so, then either these so-called rationalists who are also atheists have three choices if they want to drop their absurd hypocrisy on this point. Firstly they could drop their rationalism, and just be atheistic and be happily ever after completely irrational about the notion that there would only be one life Secondly they could drop their atheism, meaning they still maintain their right to call themselves rational, but they have to abolish the idea that there would only be one life which will be gone after the body has died. Thirdly, and I would recommend this one, is that they can drop BOTH their atheism and rationalism, and open themselves up the the notion that not everything in existence and not everything of Truth can be grasped and accessed through reason and logic alone, and that there is also no need to reduce themselves to just something material without anything deeper going on here. Fin

I've had this happen a lot when trying to set up a date or meeting with a girl, and lately I've had this happen again and it's seriously starting to make my fucking blood boil with anger and frustration; additionally, usually there also is a lot of confusion present because most of the time I have great difficulty finding out what exactly I have done so wrong that makes her not respond anymore, and the anger and frustration comes with the fact that I find it just very unfair that she —I'm consciously speaking from emotion here and not from a fair, impartial assessment— that she does not have the basic sense of respect and integrity towards me to at least tell me why the hell she stopped answering me so at least I don't have to be so incredibly confused. As may not be a surprise when you read my posts on this forum, I tend to be very prudent, precise, thoughtful, explicit and also respectful when it comes to the way I choose to communicate to others, especially when it comes to written text (although at times I can be very confrontational, or I can intentionally choose to let go of my prudency and just deliberately let myself go, writing from emotion). When I try to set up a date or meeting with a girl or woman, I take this habit with me. I like for things to be arranged properly. I like for the conditions to be set up in such a way so that things may work out in the most optimal way possible. Therefore, I tend to be very prudent, lengthy and precise in my communication style, sending a good bit of messages and text beforehand so that the conditions are set up properly. Many may consider me a control-freak for that reason, and arguably there is some trouble here of me having some difficulty letting go of control at times, but I'd say more than that it's a combination of me just being a very sensitive person who has an autism and ADD diagnosis, and experience has told me that I'm just very easily uncomfortable and distracted if some factors or circumstances are a little bit 'off' and/or unpredictable. It's not just that I'm afraid of things not being managed properly; It's that I've noticed from experience that things often turn out as well if I don't take certain precautions or if I don't make certain agreements. Yes, going too far overboard with being a control-freak also gets you just as stressed out as things not being predictable or arranged properly, but for me the point of balance where I feel most comfortable and relaxed on the scale between being totally careless about everything and being an extremely precise and prudent person tends to skew much more in the direction of prudency that the average person. On top of that, my way of being very prudent and thoughtful also comes out of a core desire to want to give a lot of quality to many of the things I do in life; Especially when it comes to the social domain. I'm a very creative person and part of the joy of expressing this creativity is coming up with original, creative out-of-the-box solutions to make the best out of a certain situation so that as many people as possible are benefited by my creativity. But when it comes to the domain of dating, almost no girl seems to understand or respect that my prudent and therefore sometimes lengthy and explicit form of communication is often a form of me wanting to give a lot of quality to our situation and our potential date. It's really frustrating because I actually take a lot of care to communicate respectfully with a genuine intent to elevate both my own and her growth (although I do have to admit there's selfish reasons behind this), but then most of the time what I seem to get is literally nothing, or otherwise a very despondent form of communication in which she doesn't really properly and respectful responds to what I text her At least this is how I currently understand as to what is going on. It's very confusing and frustrating. And what happens usually it that this confusion and frustration just overwhelms me so much that I'm too triggered and stressed out that I don't want or can't even manage or think of ways to recover the situation in a wise manner. There's just too much emotional upset to even continue, and even if I tried there's too much confusion to really even know what to do. However, as opposed to in the past, I've been arranging some appointments with a friend and some coaches to can help me to emotionally process this frustration, but I felt the desire to kind of type this out on the forum. Some feedback to clarify some things for me here would be appreciated, although I do have to admit I have a habit of typing stuff here and not looking back to what the responses to my comment or topic are (or just not really being able to absorb it properly) because I for some reason feel uncomfortable in doing that. But I'll see if I can manage to read and and hopefully also properly absorb and process what's being said.

From a relative perspective, nobody is perfect, and perfection can never be reached. It is a noble thing to want to only get a girlfriend once you get your shit together, but why not get a girlfriend whilst you are in the process of getting to that point? You may not be perfect, but so won't your girlfriend be. Is that a bad thing? I would say not. What's wrong with going into a relationship where both of you have some aspects of yourself that are a little bit thwarted and a little bit messed up? You will encounter those aspects within yourself and in the relationships and there will be conflicts, but that's how you grow. Why would that be a bad thing? In fact, if you do want to get the perfect girlfriend (and again, perfection doesn't exist except from an absolute perspective), then it's almost impossible for yourself to be perfect if you haven't had the chance to practice yourself in the area of dating, relationships and intimacy. Just because you get your finances, health, general confidence and so forth together, does that mean you will automatically also be good in relationships if you never have given yourself the chance to practice it? Maybe, but maybe also not. It's a big gamble to take at least, and it's a gamble I feel like you shouldn't have to take.

@Ulax Although I think I know what you mean, can you be more specific? What exactly in your idea is being mastered?

@Aleister Crowleyy It can be. It depends whether positivity is grounded in Truth or not. Positivity in and of itself is not self-deception

My signature is aimed at the very intellectual, hesitating, doubtful people amongst us (which on this forum I'm sure there are a lot). It is also addressed towards those who tend to guilt themselves a lot after they have done something they considered to be 'bad'. Basically, my signature is about taking conscious ownership in regards to whatever decision you decide to make, despite whatever hesitation, doubt or even outside judgment might be there. It means to take a stand and say: "This is what I decide to do, and I will stand for it and accept the consequences!". It then doesn't matter whatever decision it may end up being, as long as it has been consciously considered and chosen. I know from myself that I tend to hesitate and doubt a lot and ask myself a lot of "Is this right or not? Is this truly proper and ethical? Is this acceptable? What will others think of it?". But at some point, I need to say: "Even though I don't have 100% clarity on this issue and even though there is doubt, at some point a decision needs to be made, and since a decision is required, I will consciously decide and take ownership of this decision and whatever consequences may come out of it. I am not going to back out of my decision or apologise just because other people may judge me for it or it might have other unwanted consequences that I didn't foresee or expect; Because at the moment I made my decision, I did the very best I knew how to at that particular moment". For example: I was at a festival just over a week ago which was for men only which is about coming into your mature masculinity, but I already had a lot of hesitation going there, and already at the first day I noticed I could just not get along with the practices and ways of the festival. I just felt a constant sense of unease and restlessness, and already after the first day i decided it was best to leave the 4-day festival I had paid almost 300 euros for after taking a walk in the evening and making a very conscious and deliberate decision that it was best to leave, even though there was still some hesitation and doubt in the background and feeling guilty towards the idea of leaving because perhaps I would be missing out on a good or learnful experience, but still after seriously and consciously weighing out all my options deciding it was best to leave indeed. But I decided it wasn't right to just leave through the backdoor without first announcing in the group that I was to leave. So that's what I did: In the morning circle that consisted of about a hundred men, I at some point when the opportunity arose decided to take the talking stick and I informed the group that I was to actually leave the festival 3 days to when it would actually be over. There was quite a bit of difficult feelings both from myself and the other men, but this is is the decision I decided to take ownership for. This is the decision that I made right by taking a stand for it. That's what it means to stand for something, and that's what it means to "make your decision right". It means to take conscious ownership over your decisions, even when there is doubt, even when you have tried very hard to "make the right decision" and perhaps still haven't come to a place of clarity or certainty about what is truly the right decision. Even then, you can still just choose and take conscious ownership over your decision and in that way "make your decision right" even when there is still doubt, and even when it is unpopular or even frowned upon.

Let's see. I would say (not a complete list)... Erwin Raphael McManus Osho David Deida

Thta's a lot of "Leo" in there, buddy

I've been thinking about this issue for some longer time. I see everywhere, including on this forum, that western people almost without exception believe that the narrative that they've been told about what is going on with the conflict between Russia and Ukraine is true, at least in the overarching theme of it. That is: That Russia attacked a sovereign nation that is Ukraine without provocation, without a proper justification (but a lot of ungrounded ones), and Russia's or Putin's actual motive is simply expansion drift; To expand the Russian territory out of territorial greed. On top of that, we westerners believe that Russia's military is bombing cities with thousands of innocent civilians being stuck there. Earlier this morning I read an article in the newspaper that the chinese (social) media lets its people believe that Ukraine is the country that provoked Russia to attack them by attacking Russia first. I also read that the Chinese media frames it that the Ukrainian military is attacking its own civilians, and that they are using very dirty tactics to gain the upper hand on the Russians. Yes, there is an assumption here that the news I've read about this story about what the Chinese media is doing is indeed correct, but let's for the sake of simplicity and convenience indeed assume for now that that news is indeed correct, just so I am able to continue my topic and make my point . This made me think. How do we really know what is true and what is not in regards to the information that we're being fed? How are we any different from the Chinese or Russian media that frames it in this way that the people of the Russian military are the good guys and the Ukrainian military are the bad guys? We (as westerners) are simply doing the reverse. We are simply taking the information that we're being fed for granted. We trust the news sources that we are getting our information from, just as Russians or Chinese people trust the sources they get their information from and don't question them. I can guarantee you that we as westerners are being manipulated by the media on this whole issue. I'm not even saying that the information that we're being fed is necessarily incorrect, but the stories that the media tell and the images that they showcase on television and on social media sites like Youtube or Twitter, and really the whole algorhytm of Youtube, Twitter, Facebook and so forth are essentially manipulating our mind and emotions to more and more adopt this attitude of shock, upset, outrage and to become more and more polarized against not only Putin and the Russian military, but in many cases also Russia as a whole. Again, even if we're to assume that the information that we're being fed is indeed correct —And how can we be so certain about that if Russian and Chinese media are doing the same thing with all the justifications that they have to believe that (just as we have all of our justifications)— But even if we assume that the news we get is actually true and valid, notice that what we get to see from the (social) media is very selective and partial. We for instance get to see and hear from the Russian military bombing a Children's hospital, but we don't hear from the Ukrainian military or certain individuals from Ukraine or its military committing the same kinds of despicable war crimes. You might say that if they were to do that it would be justified, but this again is just another narrative and justification, you see? We humans are capable of committing the most horrendous and despicable acts if we tell ourselves stories that it is justified. And so continues that cycle of hatred, violence and fragmentation. The Russian military is doing it, and I'm sure Ukrainian individuals out there are doing it as well. Justified or not, it is essentially the same dynamic, the same pattern. I simply wrote this topic because I want to prompt a cognitive intervention for those who have gotten all caught up in all the narratives that the news and (social) media has been feeding you, and now you've adopted this deeply rooted victim-perpetrator mindset where the Ukrainians are the good guys and the Russians or Putin and its military are the bad guys. On a last note, I actually have a request for you guys on quite a (but not completely) different topic: Does any of you guys know a movie, documentary or (audio)book or some other source of information that really goes in-depth on the mental attitudes that war criminals or other (would-be) hateful and sadistic people adopt? I for instance am really interested in knowing what goes on in someone's mind of someone who used to be a vicious concentration camp guard, for example. Or a documentary about a military unit in training who later become the kind of people who will do anything that their leaders tell them to do, such as bombing cities with thousands of civilians in it like we're (seemingly) seeing happening right now. Who are these kind of people who commit and justify such actions? What is their background? How did they grow up? Why are they willing to do anything their superiors tell them? Is it hatred? Is it fear of punishment if they don't follow orders? Is it just a mechanical act they are capable of doing simply because they have convinced themselves that what they're doing is proper and justified? Is it just pure moral apathy? What lead up to the point until they became desensitized to the suffering of those they are attacking? I'm also for instance curious about the difference between people who commit violence and torture to others with a sense of passion and without a sense of passion. As f*cked up as it may be, some people actually enjoy and delight in torturing others and seeing others suffer, and others simply do it out of a sense of obligation or to remain a sense of control over their environment. So I'm also curious to learn about people who commit violence with a sense of passion and delight because it's something I really can't understand from personal experience what's so attractive about that (except when it comes to sexual encounters, but only then when I know my partner is genuinly willing and ready to experience it). I hope you guys can help me out on that .

Dude, your reply is examplary of exactly that which concerns me. I'm not influenced by Russian propaganda. I have literally seen zero of it. And neither have I seen any chinese propaganda. I'm making an epistomological point here. I'm not interested in taking any sides.

I've really got mixed feelings about Elliot Hulse. If you actually watch his videos he can (emphasis on "can") be actually quite nuanced. I do think he has some Spiral Dynamics stage Yellow thinking. I especially like his older videos, in which he showcases himself much more energetically as well. But what really annoys me about him is his total lack of nuance and respect in the titles of his videos and the youtube memes he posts. When Leo did a video about Jordan Peterson he talked about that Jordan had a "stage green shadow". Elliot has that too, but even worse. At least Jordan still makes an attempt to be respectful whilst he criticizes certain left or 'stage green' ideals and values. Elliot just goes full-on ridicule and mockery mode, especially in his video titles and in the Youtube memes (in picture form) he posts. That being said, if you're conscious enough and you know how to filter out the gold from the dirt, Elliot has same very valuable material for both men and women on his channel.

Stage Beige also isn't there because Leo didn't find it worth the time. Youtube removed the stage Turquoise video. but it should be reuploaded through other channels