Alex K

@Principium Nexus Sounds like Teal Swan stuff. If you can/like to validate my understanding of your message, this is my take from her vid: "Ultimate truth of this universe is oneness. For that we need to learn to unconditionally love ourselves. I love myself is not truth yet, we would feel emotional withdrawal from that thought. Commitment for 1 year to live in accordance to one question - mantra for you: What would someone who loves himself do? This is like going downstream - there is no resistance, only acceptance and thus joy. - Every decision should be taken based on the honest intuitive answer to this question no matter how big or small. - Every spare minute when you have an opportunity to decide what to do with your time, you should decide this based of this question. The answer would come immediately like a flash of intuition (insight without conscious thinking). It's impossible to loose. It is emotion or quick impression or bodily sensation. It would be calm because it comes from highest perspective possible. If it is clouded with fear or any other strong emotion - be aware of it. Should be each time a QUICK intuition insight. Have the balls to follow through. You won't know why that is the answer, the source apparently knows everything about everything, so have courage to do what it tells you to do. Even being afraid to take the action, you would apparently have a relief from idea of an action and subsequent taking of that action. Relief feels good and taking that action would feel good. (Like, not resisting bhagavan)."

@Leo Gura So basically I have a paradigm that I need to know logically sound and complete roadmap of a process before I embark seriously upon it. And you offer me advice that I need to jump out of it because my understanding expands while I'm on the path. That is ...some food for thought on my neurotic stufff, thanks a bunch!

@Principium Nexus @Nahm Guys I love you all, but I do not get what is love. For me love is caring, giving attention to something. Explain your take on love please because all your points revolve around it.

@Nahm I mean, I'm curious as to ontological status of self actualization after enlightenment.

I think I'm an addict of nice deep conversations with people. Including reading actualized.org. It gives me motivation energy and pleasure to do so just as some food and coffee. So I need to sit without converstaions alone in an empty room too.

I have a job and a home. I know if I would be fired, I'd find something else. I don't want anything. Why anyone wants anything more for them? I mean predominantly common things like a flat for themselves, kids, respect, booming career, money, foreign vacation trips - why do they want it? And why don't I want it? Are they afraid of being poor? Afraid of being called loosers? Maybe their parents forced success chasing into their young minds? Maybe they are greedy viruses? Maybe they are afraid of mental degradation? Maybe they have flawed view of the world - like needy or some pet world view? What is it and why do I not want anything like that? Should I want anything? Do I need to? Should I want to want? Maybe everyone is just pretending to want? Is this all a rocket science or some blind spot on me?

@electroBeam I believe shadow is some parts of your character which you shut away deep in yourself as they are not acceptable to society like - Loving to mock and humiliate people - Being very sensitive and fearfull - Loving to sing etc. etc. etc. Shuting them away is a work and they themselves are some part of your mind. So that cripples you. Moreover, this shadow parts still influence you as they are not perfectly hidden. So in shadow work you become aware of such a part, embrace it, make conscious effort at reconsiliation like: - Curing the actual neurosis under that part of your character if applicable - Understanding that this part is not actually bad and that decision to supress it was ill informed - Use some coping mechanism like sublimation - Accept and love yourself - Self actualize to get holistic sage perspective on the world (Like in a recent Leo episode on holistic view on Anger in us) etc. etc. etc.

@Prabhaker Thanks for this reminding very much! I believe it is the proper time for me to start diving deep into that now.

I have a job and a home. I know if I would be fired, I'd find something else. I don't want anything. Why anyone wants anything more for them? I mean predominantly common things like a flat for themselves, kids, respect, booming career, money, foreign vacation trips - why do they want it? And why don't I want it? Are they afraid of being poor? Afraid of being called loosers? Maybe their parents forced success chasing into their young minds? Maybe they are greedy viruses? Maybe they are afraid of mental degradation? Maybe they have flawed view of the world - like needy or some pet world view? What is it and why do I not want anything like that?

I think it means effortlessness. You know what you need to do and how to do it, trends wise but also more and more of specifics. Every day, every minute. If anything arises, you're detached and understand it's origins completely (if measured in an unenlightened, couch perspective). Anything which could be called a problem is just a natural subcurrent in a current of understood transparent reality for you.

First attempt at top values: - Constant unconditional happiness and full enlightenment. - Curing neuroticism and keeping on clean from it. - Healthy and reasonably secure longevity. - Embodying sages wisdom. - Reasonably stable handsome levels of energy to create. I am too cheap to buy Leos course. Fear creeps in. Low self esteem? These look like egoic values. For example "Honesty" is egoic still but it is a level above. I should not judge my top values - are they toxic? Are they not a value but a concrete thing? - Unconditional Happiness - Enlightenment - Inner peace - Longevity - Health - Understanding - Wisdom - Mind Energy - Creating Or - Peacefullness, Calmness, Stability, Groundness - Acceptance, Reality as it is, Matter of Factness - Cleanness, Pure Spiritness, Pure Essentialness - Equanimity, Mental Clarity, Focus - Environment transcendence - Truth - Creating

How about this life purpose: - To witness my grandchildren get enlightened. Which is why to reach the greatest heights requires shedding egoic material, or purification to the point of nothingness or spirit. The word "spirit" connotes lightness of mechanism, and this is a good pointer of what you should be working towards. To be conscious, it to be able to see how a mechanism truly works, and its backfire potential.

@Nahm I don't want anything. Just to be comfortable.

I've missed on a proper meditation for about a month. Now I again instantiate a 30 day do nothing back-up-on-horse routine. 30+ minutes after wake up, same before bed. Discipline is most important. I think that I feel life clearer now. I feel how it is a heavy and a difficult presense for me, especially after work. I have this knee jerk reactions to life being difficult - I get irritated, I eat, I watch stuff. Food gives me less and less pleasure, I hope in 3-6 month good practice time I woud be able not to eat for pleasure, maybe everything else would go too. Today after the doctors I felt this saddness which was like a beautifull light grey fog veil moving with the airflow around me, gently touching me from time to time producing slightest joyfull feeling of being sad. I need to delve deeper into what I want. I think I don't want anything. I just want to be unconditionally happy all the time. I try to contemplate immediatelly on different neurotic bits I become aware in my life, it is hard.

@DoubleYou Yes I tried it - it is really great. The problem is staying with it.

@ajasatya thanks!

@ajasatya Good source on anatomy and science of hatha yoga?

I wonder if one is constantly aware or has a random awareness timer, the flow state seems not possible or would be interrupted. How can we work around this? I'm asking this practically because I as a programmer work often with undeterministically occuring flows and I've installed randomly intervalled gong app to get me back to awareness 10 times a day. My aim is getting as close as possible to constant awareness.

@AxelK app forces to exercise awareness, flow ofcourse should not be forced. Ego always persists I think, so ego problems would always be the case. For me ego does not stop the flow usually though.

@Siim Land how much and how have you practiced for this?

@Marc Schinkel cool, why have you decided to cease public journalling?

@Marc Schinkel have you had any awakening experiences during this six month?

I need to somehow judge my progress on exercises like meditation. I still have quite some unresolved past trauma problems and shadow problems. I have low self esteem with long history and thus almost constant anxiety vasana. I think I need to be aware all the time. I've installed awareness application which prompts for my emotions randomly 8 times a day, potentially I'd up the frequency. I plan that this will give me further insight into my present condition, better my self understanding and build up my awareness muscle. I'll try to stare aware some time after every prompt. Additionally I've decided to keep a lot of different journals. Evernote for contemplation ideas, results, my problems and solution, strategy etc (Commonplace book in Leo terms). This journal for steps of the way - actualization journal. Writing stuff on paper to clear my system out. Adding concrete one-off things to contemplate, exercises to do into my scheduling app. And a journal for problems & solutions for job because I think it is the single biggest source of my suffering. Executive strategic judgement! Executive strategic judgement! My interest is becoming better. Why? Because I don't feel well.

I had an idea that to powerfully swing at dat huge body of planned stuff, it could be very good to create evening, transit and maybe even recreational composite rituals.

Phase 1 Results So after half year I believe I got some basics of meditation practice in place: - I am practicing no less than 30 minutes a day most days. - I understand that I need to incorporate mindfulness practice because I severly lack focus and have exercise to do so. - I understand forcing 40-minute SDSes can be neurotic crouches for escaping the need to accept reality. Results are: - Overwhelming negative emotions are extremely rare and short lived - rage and hatred almost every time (instead of months of despair and apathy) - I hope I quit one bad habbit I would not name again and for good. - I know what non duality is and have moderate experience with instruments for pursuing it. - I finally feel aware at work, chaos subsided for like 90%. - I don't give a rats ass in lots of situations I did in the past. - As an overarching result - there is a HUGE drop in suffering for me. - I start to see: - How small do I really know about myself. - Anawareness I have during most of the day. - Bad habbits, lazy choices, vasanas (habitual bad thoughts and emotions). - That I almost never think about anything, just going with fixed readily made solutions I've picked up on different occasions. Phase 2 planning For the next half year (typically, till the next lengthy vacation when I have energy and time to dissect and plan like this) - Going on with establishing my minty fresh composite morning ritual practice consisting of: - Well thought-out increasing intervals of do nothing meditation summing up hopefully to an hour, between wich I - Go to the bath, brush my teeth - Reading my mission statement - Do breathing, neck and shoulder, intervalled noting exercises - Doing positive affirmations Maybe doing yoga and eating. - Establishing before night meditation summing up to at least 20-30 minutes of do nothing. Generally I'd say this phase would be about removing bad habbits with cravings and adding good ones. Removing: - Eating for pleasure, sugary and fast foods. - Watching/reading politics pieces, playing video games, watching anime and surfing interntainment hubs esp. youtube clips. Establishing/growing: - Flexible non-neurotic diverse meditation practice (as descrived above). - Self observing practice during normal feeling-like-shit episodes in life (including cravings from bad habbits above), which is the best mature option to work with them and a great option to learn myself which is a crucial part of strategy and growth. - Going to sleep consistently and early (at 1 a.m. latest). - Eating healthy. - I would like to start reading books on self development and programming my aim would be modest 0.5 hours on a weekday for now. - Thinking, analyzing, planning life short term, mid and long term, adjusting tactics and strategy. - Pursuing physical culture in forms of yoga and dumbell exercises on top of basics I already have. - Flexible supportive positive affirmations practice and remembering sedona. Mid and Long term aims - start having walks on weekends - doing programming emotionlessly as dharma for me and evolving a good work ethics for it - making sense of Advaita Vedanta, becoming a Karma Yogi, diging self inquiry, getting enlightened - starting learning Hebrew and getting documents, moving to Israel - losing a good amount of excessive body weight, exercising - being a good father and learning to live on my own - digging the mastery concept and living a goal-oriented self-interest-oriented purposeful life - becoming proactive - gaining life energy My life purpose is very generic: I want to be a long-living enlightened benevolent force with a space high consciousness )=.