Alex K

Do you not care at all?

What do you think about our open world - the Earth, the sky, the forests, the oceans, all the life forms lived and died, all the variety of physical forms?

@Toby To whom it may concern, here is the Trifinity Academy founder at badgap at 24 years I believe. https://iplayerhd.com/player/video/d272680e-dd32-4f5d-acd0-09582dde579e/share

@Barna so nice, happy for you, first awakening?

@Martin123 After this how can I refuse) I watched batgap with him, looks legitly enlightened. Not so well spoken, but I guess it changed.

@egoeimai I am overwheight and I've thought about it and surfaced lots of hidden emotional issues. But now I am again eating junk because it gives me pleasure after toughness of life. I think if I would gain this much pleasure this consistently and this easy from something else healthier, I'd totally go for it. But there is nothing fitting the profile. I can always go for drugs and alcohol, but better to stay safe with food. I also am addicted to talking to people, watching anime, musical videos, fapping and dominating other people. I currently think the only way it could be helped without becoming a neurotic (fitness/vegan maniac or somethin like that) and deliberately screwing up my progress, is immersing into high consciousness minimalistic Leo-style lifestyle where I'm always working towards higher awareness, mindfullness, concentration, ignorance removal and truth - and possibly towards the word we all know starting with 'e'. Leo says it correctly - we are overstimulated by society, but he pushes that we must force and discipline ourselves away from it. I think we must know and aware ourselves from it. Become aware of your life in it's entirety. Food is just like a 10% portion of our lifes - we need a general mindfull living understanding of what we are, what we strife for hour by hour day by day. Only than in this light one would be able to know the rules of ones brain inner workings and fix the broken mechanisms holistically. This is something I'm starting to actively work on now. All this should become Effortless after 0.5-1-2-3 years counting from the point when all obvious emotional stuff is healed. Effortlessness calls for no discipline. If you hate to pursue such a lifestyle - ask yourself "Why?" again and again - and you'll find new local ego issues in your past traumas or in your false beliefs about the world or people or yourself.

@pluto Yeah well I wouldn't say it's russian style

I guess you do not accept honestly that life could not be "good" for long without enlightenment, try to contemplate on this point.

To whom it may concern, here is the Trifinity Academy founder at badgap at 24 years I believe. https://iplayerhd.com/player/video/d272680e-dd32-4f5d-acd0-09582dde579e/share

Hello everyone. After Leo episode on concentration, I've being using this improved meditation for couple weeks. And I started to have states during the day, esp. in the evenings at work and all the way back home. Like 5 days I was just happy for 4-8 hours straight after meditation, practically whole work day. And I noticed this. I noticed that this is not normal. Like in the past it was just more clarity, less and less fear, worries and then finally less anxiety - this all was just like becoming better version of myself. But now I feel this states like all people are asleep while actively discussing some topic in the meeting. Or this absolute calm and happiness. Or sudden understanding that everyone of us is a perfect copy with just some concealing grease in form of unprocessed memories and precedents set by distant knee-jerk reactions to issues in lifes. And so forth. And I think myself - as I'm the ego - started to see this developments as unwanted. And for the past half week my meditation time subsided, couple days there where no meditation at all. It's like I'm actively against it now. I found it only just now as Sunday is an only spare day from work and home business this week - and I'm going to continue to probe and assess into this situation on my own, contemplate, journal, etc. I'm trying to make myself meditate today and to no awail still after 5 hours of videos, journalling, trying to do it. I do not want to use sheer willpower to make myself meditate just yet because it is not strategically productive to be pushed into right thing, but I'll use it as a last resort if all the contemplation fails. Ego-I - think I will become non-human and would not be able to live in a society if I continue. On the flipside - people at work, at home, just random clerks start to notice that I'm unusual and are suspicious of me I think, maybe it is nothing or not a serious thing, but as we know Ego clings and exaggerates anything to have it's lazy homeostatic way. What should I do? Advice please

@Shin This excuses come from my core rules of life, embedded in my ego evidently)) But enlightenment does not mean ego death, it's becoming conscious and embody the knowledge of non dual nature of existence

Omg, attachements is the key word, why is it not emphasized more? Deal with past traumas and wovs, deal with roles, deal with shoulds, then deal with attachements. Create a list of attachements and aware/contemplate them away

Yes, because I'm way too casual with all this. I've got rid of fears in terms of controlling me some time ago, I want to go further. I like shit and blood and demons because it's interesting and shows progress )= I need to believe that what I get by liberation is better for my actualization then what I have now. It's clearer to me now. I need to get serious, I'm getting lost in the wheel deals after every advancement on myself because it betters my performance in the wheel. But usual wheel is just the means to sustainment, nothing fancy. Thanks!

@Visionary @Shin I'm afraid that I'll just let go and will do nothing, get fired, loose my home and family etc. Why is that not the case?

@Visionary If I get conscious that good and bad and my addictions and low consciousness behaviour are all plain being, how would I progress, what is the kind of motivation to go further?

I don't like self inquiry. It seems very fanatic, very draining. It seems not possible with my level of willpower and determination. Simple meditation just has to be enough for at least a half year more. I don't want to do the self inquiry and I won't. At least for the foreseeable future. But do I want to get enlightened? Sure I do, let's revert back to this question after a couple more years of meditation and usual self development. I am completely hooked on this self actualization topic, but such a hardcore practice like self inquiry is just not for me yet. Maybe sometime in the future. I don't like it, it's seems so dumb. And all these enlightenment exercises seem so usesess, seem to be faulty, seem stupid. Stupid, easily broken in their definition by simple knowledge and logic. And people who left them there - are they stupid? Or are they lazy? I sit with an exercise for a minute and concoct a logical and scientific prove that this exercise is a bunch of baloney. How stupid one should be to seriously post such exercise? It's either stupidity or fanatism or laziness or false hopes or despair. And I'm coming into self actualization world and striving to know the Truth exactly because I want to move away from those things. So no self inquiry or this stupid exercises.

@Nahm I think like if I'd be worthy to be out, I would be out already. To get out I need to acquire something, but I'm supposed to be neverchanging. I'm not worthy of meditating for an hour in one sit, I'm not worthy to do self inqury. I'm not worthy to study advaita vedanta. If I'd be worthy, I'd do it already! This is an ordinary time in my existence, how can my worthiness change- I'm the same old me? I should not escape because I never escaped yet!

Journalling. I need this motherfucking deeeep journalling right now in my life. This is a perfect moment when lots of easy to find heavy emotional hurt shit stuff is gone. Now I need a more powerfull tool - a journalling of my though streams with dialogs of my higher self with my inner child. I will now always fo this journalling at my evernote account. This is sick. Just did an honest 35 minute do nothing after 5 minute concentration. It is sick sick sick! It feels like I've bene meditating for 2 hrs, I've started to actually randomly move and only after 30 minutes of meditation! Honest higher self vs ego child journalling at all moments of confusion/weakness/tiredness, concentration practice, nice thick cotton cushion, do nothing technique - and I'll be a self actualising heavy lifter!

I want to study that great pinned guide on shadow work, hope today will do the trick. Whole week till today I was busy and exhausted. I'm ordering a thick cotton batting matt to meditate on, hope it arrives in a week. I want to switch to burmeese posture. I also now concentrate on artificail rain sound for 2-5 minutes before 30 minutes do nothing sit, I think this really do boost the sit. And I think it is one of the most direct and simple boosts to concentration and willpower possible. I watched Leo vid right now. I took some notes and sparsely thought about what could be current priority or a "low" point for me. I guess it is the last one - intoxication and developing a sattvic lifestyle. I'm being intoxicated by people around me, by unhealthy and excessive food I eat, by wrong clips on youtube, by news, by tea, by useless articles I read. I self intoxicate with ideas\vasanas when taking them seriously. I am intoxicated by feelings of tiredness and exhaustion. By emotions of self pity, pride, fear and anxiety. How to detox from all that? Is there a one simple way to do it all in one scoop? Not likely. Why do I really intoxicate myself? All this acts seems so random, like they are just a habbit I need to break. But there is no way of breaking them really. Really? For example I want to listen to some clips, then to surf some entertainment sites, then some news. Some educational vids I do not really need. Time flies by meanwhile. And the day is over. No contemplation is done. Basic 30 minutes of meditation is done and nothing else. Can a detoxication be an active process in case of aforementioned agents? Yes. Just sitting by yourself in an empty room. I want something pleasant to replace all this stuff. What can it be? I can blog here. Journaling/blogging is a nice thing. The problem is I do not want to read it all. And I do not want to be lost in all this shit. May this all be just like a digital writeout?

Had a faint half an hour ago. Stood up in the office and started walking to the meeting room and suddenly found myself hitting the nearby office table with the face. Meanwhile In the mind there where all kind of stories like a really quick dream and then a hit. Noone seemed to notice. Watched Leo vid on concentration, started to do on my way to work. I think I'll do it each morning before do nothing and see whether it supercharges. I do not feel any significant progress from do nothing anymore to be honest. I'm guessing it is because I'm stuck at a half hour due to full time job, wife and my addictions and undisciplined ways. I need to try to incorporate more practice, hope this concentration would work. In the last week or so started reading some articles about programming, for mastery. Mind seems overwhelmed by information, I don't know if I ever consumed such complexity this fast. I'm tired, not sure why. A friend helped me understand the stakes we are all constantly doing in life and how a freedom to make stakes is the best thing and should not be given away.

I've contemplated about why do I not want to be obese and came to a conclusion that it lowers integral of my pleasure due to pain and premature death. I've read the Leo vid about happiness spectrum and wikipedia page on pleasure, some topics on heroin here. I have an idea that maybe self actualization boils down to optimizing pleasure in terms of magnitude and sustainability. Is that so? Pleasure is just some reaction in our brains why is it so hard to transcend? I believe enlightenment transcends pleasure chase, but is a damn hard and rare pursuit. Why should I transcende pleasure? I guess pleasure centers in our brains are not really a part of ego, maybe even enlightenment won't do it? How could I beat the pleasure chase right now? Is it a multi-year spanning delayed gratification thing? Is it even possible then? Fullfilment = pleasure × time, isnt it? I guess my purpose in life is to maximize pleasure. Is anything wrong with it? What can be a better alternative without arbitrary morality concerns?

Specifics of an issue doesnt matter. What matters is a what to a why. E.g., if someone appeals to self evident nature of a why as in do not do X, then please provide a what - an action/experience the student to have/perform so that he has a realization. Otherwise how would it work? Are we back to "luck"? Are we talking quantum physics already? Or is salvation an eugenics based art?

@Nahm Amen. I care that I suddenly care when I usually dont care, but I care to care less and less. I am uncertain and inbetween. But its okay I guess here on the path. See you out there. Q.

I work at a rather well off international IT services corporation of 10000. Most of men there are smarter and socially higher then I am. They are proactive, goal oriented, masters at their craft. They have money for homes and foreign travels, they have wifes and children. They eat right, exercise, do yoga, climb, sing, drive, bike, build robots, hike for hobbies. They manage projects and people lifes just like that. Still after humble 9 month of moderate meditation, I see just from their non-verbal signs: their painfull faces, their neurotic intonations, their egotistical actions, knee-jerk reactions, ailing speaches, crumbled postures etc. just how much suffering, uncertainty, despair is there in them. And there is nothing powerfull about that The more conscious life man leads, the more powerfull and pleasant he appears to me. Unconscious man is just a rabbid stray animal.

@Nahm - Fire being hot is not something I'm thinking about when asking help about actualization. - Expansion is your term, I've used it loosely to mean any self improvement work. - Leo, buddism, advaita vedanta all say desire is egoic and cause of sufferig. Desire is literaly our likes and dislikes, nothing more. We do not desire food, water, etc., we have a normal part-of-our-body mechanisms - feelings of hunger, thirst etc. They are not desires. Senses, emotions, feelings are not desires. When we like self actualization concept, we like to "expand and enrich our inner self" - this is ego talking, this is desire, longing, attachement - suffering. Leo calls this modern people like Leo call it "spiritual ego", I like the term "Falling into delight". And "Monkey mind" is a simplification. There is a mind which creates thoughts - it will always be there, it is a part of our body like an arm or leg, it is an executive associative processing of information. You can shut it down like any mechanism, but it will always be there and resume. "Monkey" are our mind dysfunctionalities, "imperfections" or "issues" - call it however you want - those could be cleansed/repaired/removed so that our mind functions properly. Monkey does not worry. Worry is an emotion, it is created by thought. Thought is "played" by your randomized associative thoughts processor - mind/monkey mind. But this thought is stored as a like/dislike - a negative or positive desire, which could be removed via contemplation, psychotherapy, etc. All the differnece between sane people come from this mountains of stored likes and dislikes, some randomly acquired skills and physical body/brain variations. Behind that all people are the same cutting little obvious presense, which would reveal itself to be part of global nothing (or everything) at the point of enlightenment. I guess my question after all this is - when it seems there is no more suffering, would I just wait a couple of days/years and my level of suffering radar would adjust and I'll have natural motivation once again?