blankisomeone

... ? Some stuff from the past that can’t be erased

there’s some stuff I’ve done that is clearly in my field of awareness, I’m looking at it, but I am disgusted with myself, walking around with black shadows, fear of judgement and abandonment that I deal with just by pretending that it doesn’t exist me:

Of course you’re depressed and suicidal, you live in freaking Algeria.. if there’s anyone living in Algeria and is happy then either they’re in some deep form of denial or they’ve attained some spiritual dimension that i don’t know of

Let us know how it works out for you

Why?

spiritual/psychological perspective: dsfsndfkjsd i hav it too to some degree

I really enjoyed my 2 therapy sessions. It seems like my therapist knows what he’s doing. He’s helped many people, he has experience. And he is religious so he’s not afraid of using the word God or Love, which I think is actually pretty nice. He guided me through a painful past memory of mine and I felt better afterwards. He really tuned in to the anger I was feeling at the moment. only problem is I’m meeting with him only twice a month. I need a HELL of a lot more meetings than that! I don’t think twice a month is enough at all. Better than nothing, but still... not enough. I have TOO MUCH to say, to express and to understand and to learn. Meeting only twice a month for 1 and a half hour each session is laughable The ideal? 3 hours daily of intense work. Keep dreaming though?

No, the shit show probably goes on forever. Non existence is not possible unfortunately

Idk why I said idk what that was all about. It was clear what that was all about: I needed to wake the hell up from my suicidal impulses. The other characters in the dream were shaking me violently and I woke up from that nap feeling on my actual skin as if I’d really been slapped (which *really* happened for anyone who understands that there’s no difference between right now and a nightly dream) Suicide is just one of my destinies. I know I can choose out of it even though sometimes it feels like a gravitational pull and I’m even overtaken by curiosity about experiencing first hand what happens (but like I said, the finality of the decision is really terrifying; and it does feel wrong and dirty to have so much anger towards my own self. Suicide is just wrong, period. It’s mechanical and driven by anger. It’s just very twisty)

Ok fuck it I’m gonna try this i remember u recommended it to me twice before but I overlooked it i have some prejudice regarding how that website looks because it looks too happy and positive and I am positivity averse (: but ok I’ll try it

Yup. Terrifying.

Nothing much. I did 3 psychedelic trips, first one was great. Second and third one my depression and loneliness and twisted thinking were amplified and the experience was not pleasant. Not willing to do it again anytime soon!!! I had 2 therapy sessions but they’r hella expensive, don’t know for how much longer I can keep that going im workin on cognitive therapy. Learning about cognitive distortions. Therapist says I need to have this down cuz it’s first step in the healing journey. I’m also trying inner child work but that’s not working well.. I just can’t seem to get it right butttttt idkk if this is the right path. Idk what I’m doing

teal swan talks about the law of mirroring and how it gets carried over. Like if/when I kill myself, all of my darkness will get reflected back at me and it will be hellish i was going thru lots of stress at work once and was seriously thinking of ending it but decided to take a nap instead and I had a horrible dream which felt too real of me walking aimlessly in the street and then some people slapping me and shaking me to wake the fuck up idk what that was all about and to a certain extent I’m almost curious now what happens to be honest. But the finality of such an act, the not being able to undo it is very very very very very very terrifying im feeling too alone and idk if it’s fixable anymore today was also stressful at work and I just did some crying in bed my chest hurts like I’m on the verge of a heart attack and I’m only 23 (:

U guys know of any wacky new age spiritual person who claims to have killed themselves in another life and knows what happens?

i dont know man. I did idk if thats what leo means by the flesh i needs to be educated

@Leo Gura What’s “the flesh”?? you mean this part??

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why

Ew? that attitude... ? i did shrooms first time and felt love and connection to life. Then I tried again twice and I just feel nauseous and hungry and alone ugggh. Life’s not fun

Hm.. for u 0.5 and 13 lasted about the same ??

@Leo Gura yo, Leo got a question if i take 1g of shroom effects last 6 hours, does dat meen dat 2g will last 12 hours and so on or nah it’s still about 6 hours aprox regardless of how much i take? sorri if itz stupid kwestshen I’m new to dis stuff

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Ye I took 1 week break. Guess shoulda waited longer

had another trip on 1g that didn’t have much of an effect except that I felt profoundly sad and realized that I need to become more in touch with the !!!!>>REALITY<<!!!! of how I have been completely influenced by my dysfunctional family all my life. It felt like an extremely important thing which is KEY to my understanding of myself at a personality level

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