blankisomeone

I am dead. lmaaaaaaaaao

This might be my third post here about Thoughts. I'm new to all this, so I'm still at the level where I'm questioning my thoughts. So, by meditating and contemplating for a while, you reach a point where something clicks and you just feel joy and peace... It's like you get it but you can't put your finger on it, you can't grab on to it (although wanting to cling to something and making it last is an ego move). So, after having a glimpse of... of y'know... of the Truth... or however the heck I can describe it... some thoughts come up that try to make me "wake up" when in reality it's doing the opposite. So here are some thoughts that come rushing in as soon as the joy of Being boils up inside me during a meditation session: maybe its me just kidding myself lol so thats it? thats life? thats the most boring thing ever.. I mean, it's quite remarkable, i admit it... Good for you, God, for having created something so magnificient... but i mean... lol its pretty boring to just sit here... lol ur literally the most stupid person for being happy just sitting there... go do something productive with your day or you'll starve. everyone is going about their days working and getting stressed out and being depressed and those construction workers sweating outside with the sun beating down on them... and for me to just sit here and be happy is nothing but UNFAIR... so go get stressed out and miserable like everyone else, it just cannot be allowed for you to be happy when you don't even have a freaking job and still live with your parents at age 20, cmon, lets be serious here. this weird happy feeling, this weird joy that just comes up inside me for just sitting here... ofc it cant be real... ur not even doing anything, ur just sitting... wtf this is just too funny. I don't even know what to do or how to express myself lol. words are stupid. They're hard.

I’ve been keeping a journal of my thoughts and it made me realize how neurotic most of them are. I’ve been keeping it for two weeks now. Reading the thoughts back is the most hilarious thing ever. It really puts things in perspective. It just goes to show how much we can’t trust our thoughts and how 99% of our thoughts are USELESS. (I really don’t exaggerate when I say 99%) Anyways. I ended up logging in about 80 or so thoughts in this journal. I noticed some patterns (listed below) in my thoughts and it made me realize how much they’re not helping me. It made me realize more clearly than ever how much they can hold us back from doing ANYTHING. Most importantly, in a more spiritual level, it made me realize how much I’m not my thoughts. Because for me to be studying my thoughts like this, there must be something, something bigger, doing the observation. But that is something that I can’t explain with more thoughts. THOUGHT PATTERNS: I couldn’t have stopped myself from [insert bad habit here]. [insert bad habit here] is bad but it feels so good. I can [insert bad habit here] just one last time before quitting. Just one last time. Fuck [insert difficult subject from university here]! This shit is too hard. *Gets stressed out and gives up. Then picks it up again because I actually might need it but feels bad because I wasted that time when I gave up and complained about how difficult it is. [Insert person here] didn’t instantly reply to my message! [Insert person here] probably hates me and thinks I’m annoying and wants to keep distance from me! Everyone in [insert a developed first-world country here] is happier than me! It’s impossible to be happy in my country. I’m not gonna [insert difficult task here] because [insert excuses here] I can’t stop [insert bad habit here or bad quality here] because that’s what I’ve always done or always been my entire life so I can’t change now can anyone relate lol

This will be a tough one to explain... So.. whenever I sit down to meditate and watch my thoughts pass by, slowly they start to fade away... They become very small until they seem to quiet down completely. Then, I feel very peaceful. It feels like something lights up in my head. Idk, it feels like a very BRIGHT light lights up inside my head. Feels great. And I laugh or just smile because it feels so good. Feels sort of like “oh so this is IT?” But then, some anxiety appears inside my chest. And my thoughts come rushing back in. It feels like the anxiety appeared to “save” me. To bring me back! To bring my thoughts back, because for a second there it’s like I was dying. So that anxiety comes up as if to say “dude wtf u doin? Come back!! Look at this anxiety. What ur doing is killing u!!” And then my thoughts come back like that... It’s crazy. There’s definitely something much bigger going on deep inside of us. There’s much more to life we don’t know. Life is so playful and serious at the same time. Respect life. It knows what it’s doing. Asking why won’t take you anywhere. Be playful but be serious. Aim for fearlessness but respect what fear does to you. ~ I used to do a lot of mindfulness meditation and now I’m doing the “shoo your ego away” style meditation where you just sit down quietly and focus on something and whenever some sort of “voice” appears in your head (aka thoughts) you acknowledge it, send it away, and bring awareness back to the focus point. Do it for a long time. Even when the voice says “bruh for how much longer u gonna sit there... You should be studying now”. Have any of you experienced this “anxiety” that comes after a glimpse of your True nature? I don’t know how to express it but if you’ve gone through it you know exactly what I’m talking about... How should I deal with it? Just feel it away? easier said than done

A lot of quotation marks in the title. Guys, I watched Leo's most recent video about death. At some point in the video he says that some people can't bring themselves to "believe" that Life as we perceive it is the result and manifestation of the purest form of Love. People have difficuly seeing this because of the existence of evil and suffering. But Leo said something along the lines of evil and suffering being not only non-existent but also EVIDENCE of Infinite Love. Can you guys point me towards how that can be true? How can ego suffering be evidence of Infinite Love? You guys don't have to give me full-on definite answers. Just point me towards it. Ask me questions to contemplate. How can I realize that truth?

This post is just a long stream of consciousness thing... Sorry if it's confusing to follow. I watched Leo's video about the dangers of spiritual work. For those of you who haven't watched it yet, the video is basically about how if you're not ready for deep spiritual work yet, it's best to take a step back and reconsider and be careful, because playing with spiritual work is litereally playing with life and death, therefore it's a dangerous thing and you have to be fully willing to go into it. In this video its said that YES LIFE IS MEANINGLESS ALRIGHT, BUT THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. But I shouldn't - and I can't, and I refuse to - blindly believe in that statement. Whenever I hear that life IS meaningless, I get a bad feeling. A very deep feeling that things aren't right. A feeling that YES LIFE HAS MEANING, IT HAS TO HAVE, OR ELSE WHAT THE HELL ARE WE LEFT WITH? Meaning is nothing but a projection of the ego. Our eyes, our brains, our development, all points towards meaning. We look at a chair, we don't see a chair, we see an object on which we can sit, to rest, to socialize, to work, to study... we give that chair meaning right away, our brain does that right away. We see what things mean even faster than we see what they are. When I meditate, however, when I look at a chair and I try to see it for what it IS rather than what it MEANS, I see a void. A see meaninglessness. I see darkness and sadness and depression. OF COURSE IT HAS A MEANING, my ego screams right away trying to survive. OF COURSE IT HAS MEANING, WE SIT ON IT, WE SIT WITH FRIENDS, TO TALK, TO HAVE A BEER, TO HAVE A GOOD TIME, WE SIT ON IT TO STUDY TO THINK, TO REST, TO WAIT, TO WAT. But, c'mon ego, it HAS no meaning, stop kidding yourself. WHAT DO U MEAN THERE'S NO MEANING SHUT UP OF COURSE THERE'S MEANING WHAT THE HELL ARE U TALKING ABOUT? Well... isn't meaniglessness what the bare data tells us? A bunch of atoms glued together to create this object, onto which our brains later come to atribute meaning. If this brain didn't exist, if YOU didn't exist, screaming ego, this chair wouldn't have a meaning... it literally woudln't even exist. You'll die one day, you know? So the evidence is pretty clear that there definitely is no meaning and you're just kidding yourself... YEAH BUT-- BUT-- WAIT-- THERE IS MEANING MAN, SHUT UP I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY STUPID CONSCIOUNESS TRYING TO BE ALL LOGICAL IF THERES NO MEANING IM DEAD SO WHAT THEN? Well, so what? so what, nothing. Nothing matters, you can die... idc, no one cares. NO BUT THERES MY FAMILY AND MY FRIENDS AND ALL THE GOOD THINGS AND THE COFFEE AND THE CHOCOLATE AND THE WORLD AND THE FLOWERS AND THE SUNSET AND MUSIC AND ALL THAT SHIT, LIFE IS GOOD AS FUCK MAN, I DONT WANNA DIE I WANNA LIVE. Well, alright, you can live... but, there is no meaning in the end, accept that... no matter how much you wanna live and no matter how much you suffer and no matter what you do, you will end up dying anyways. WHAT ARE THE IMPLICATIONS OF THAT?? WHAT DO I DO NOW THEN??? HUH??? GIVE UP EVERYTHING AND KILL MYSELF? well, u could do that and it doesnt matter. It actually, really, truly, deeply, doesn't matter. YES IT MATTERS, IF I KILL MYSELF MY FAMILY WILL COLLAPSE, MY PARENTS WILL BE DEVASTED FOR LIFE, MY FRIENDS WONT UNDERSTAND, ALL MY POTENTIAL IN THIS WORLD, ALL THE PEOPLE I COULD HELP, ALL THE GOALS I COULD ACCOMPLISH, ALL OF THAT WILL CEASE TO EXIST SO I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY, BUT I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THAT ITS ALL MEANINGLESSNESS. Well, believe what you will my friend, but in the end it IS meaningless. I'm not sure where I'm getting with this and what my point is. I'm trying to get somewhere. Let's assume that its true: life has no meaning. Our biology, our brains, attribute meaning to things. Truly, meaning isn't there. If it's my brain that gives meaning to things, if my brain ain't there, there ain't no meaning. What do I do about that? If life is meaningless anyways, could I kill myself? Well, yeah... it doesn't matter anyway. But I don't wanna kill myself. I want to live, man... I want a job and I want to travel the world and meet new people. But how do I go about doing those things even though I know that they're meaningless? Oh and suffering, why should I suffer? If I wanna travel the world, I gotta suffer to make money to travel the world. If I wanna have good relationships I gotta suffer to make them work. If I wanna get my degree at uni I gotta suffer through the years to come. But WHY would I suffer? Well, to travel the world, to have good relationships, to get a degree. But those things are meaningless, right? Yeah... well, so why would you suffer a real suffering to get something meaningless? But the suffering isn't real either. Well, it surely feels real to me. So if the suffering feels real to you, then you assume it's real. And if the meaning you attribute to things feel real, then you must assume they're real too, and life does have meaning true.. so, what my brain creates, is that real? like, if its my brain that gives things meaning, and nature selected it to be that way, then it must be real, right? i mean... meaning has got to be real... well, I don't know, you figure that out. What if meaning isn't real? What if I realized that? Would I go around killing people? Would I go around eating junk food, lying in bed day in day out, having sex with a bunch of people all the time, walk around naked, lash out on people when I'm mad, act out the evil in me? Well... I don't WANT to do those things. But evil makes a lot more sense than good. Life seems to be a big joke played on us, so the fact that we don't just go around killing everyone seems like such a MIRACLE. AN ACTUAL FUCKING MIRACLE. I have all the reasons to make horrible things, all of us, all of us have the greatest potential for evil, and the fact that most of us don't act it out is A MIRACLE... So there has to be meaning... there HAS TO BE... right? I know that there is no actual meaning. But I refuse to accept that, because I'm scared of the implications of that realization for society. And for my life. And I refuse to accept it so deeply, that the meaning seems real. Even though I KNOW I'LL DIE AT THE END, AND THAT WE'LL ALL DIE, I refuse in the deepest parts of my being, in the deeps part of my soul, in the deepest parts of my biology, I refuse to accept life's meaninglessness, I refuse to accept the eternal void, because I don't know what I'd do if there is no meaning. It's funny that the more I write the more things become clear to me even though I can't clearly express them. I went to the cemetery last week with a few family members because we had to get the bones of another family member that had passed away a few year back exhumed. If you don't know, exhumation is the process of removing a body or the remaining bones from the place where it is buried, put it in a box, and bury it somewhere else to make space for other bodies to be burried there. Y'know, cemetary bureaucracy.. pretty morbid. Anyways, the point is, that we went to the cemetary, and I saw the bones. I saw the guy that worked in the cemetary dig up the bones and put it in a box. And I felt very alive... Looking at those bones my brain bugged out. I didn't know what to make of what I was seeing... Those are bones, actual bones of a person who existed, and now doesn't exist anymore. I felt deeply alive, I felt deeply grateful for being alive. I was happy that my neck was hurting at the time (at least I was alive to feel the pain). I was very very grateful. I was also deeply sad, because I didn't know how to handle the fact of life's meaninglessness... anyways, just a little anecdote of this wonderful family reunion in the cemetary last week lol. i'm gonna stop writing here... I'll come back other times if I feel life putting my thoughts out there. I'll get on with life now. Go back to my studies, go back to exercising, go back to reading, go back to maintaining my relationship with my family and friends, go back to watching series on netflix, go back to parties, social events, academic life and job hunt (even though life's ultimate meaninglessness is a given fact)... I don't know why I'll go back to my ordinary life... but i will...

One Strange Rock

@traveler Yeah it's true. One of the greatest moments for me are when I'm out with my best friends, when I'm deeply immersed in a book, when I'm studying a different language (which is something I'm passionate about), when I'm listening to electronic music that makes me feel hyped, when I go for runs, when I'm having a good conversion and things are flowing, when things seem to be going right and smooth... BUT THEN, BAM!! SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS AND NOW I'M SUFFERING (or maybe nothing BAD actually happens, but I get paralized with fear of the future, overwhelmed with things like the immensity and enormity of life and my powerless weak small self in comparison , etc). When THAT happens, now I'm hungry for meaning, I need meaning to keep on living. Meaning feels like a very important thing, and all the good moments that I mentioned earlier feel meaningless, because when you're desperate, nothing feels real anymore (for example when we get ourselves into a depressive funk we need a deeper meaning than what usually gives us pleasure to get out of it, that's why when we feel depressed, even the things that used to give us pleasure doesn't give us pleasure anymore, because the meaning doesn't seem real) So I need something deeper than meaning to sustain myself. Well, Leo gave me the answer that what I really want is being, not meaning. @Leo Gura I still gotta work to figure out what that "being" is... I need to figure out what will sustain me on this planet when meaning isn't there to help me out. I gotta find out what the heck this being is, how to embody it, and if it's enough and conclusive. I've had glimpses of it, of this "being" that comes before "meaning", but it feels so fleeting. It feels very real at first, but quickly it disappears. So it feels like it's a lie, even though people say that it's supposed to be the realest real can get, the truest Truth can be. Why is it so fleeting for me tho? Why doesn't it seem eternal? I hope you know what I mean. But yeah I gotta get my shit together first before I dig deeper into it. I'm 20 years old and still very dependent of my parents. I'm very scared of the future and of the financial part of my life, etc. That's standing on the way. I'll try to just go with the flow and not give up.

@traveler LMAO! I don't know why but I love how this has been articulated. I just read what you wrote, and after reflecting for a few minutes something clicked and I just burst out laughing out of relief. Thanks, I hope I can keep what I just felt fresh in my mind..