Smurfinstein

@Consilience But I do love that sometimes the "outcome" is your heart finally screaming through in that last moment, so that *is* the most useful data.

Something that works well for me-- "My parents were doing the best they could with what they had to work with..." cultivating an aire of empathy. And then, yeah, you are your own person and responsible for what YOU do with what YOU'VE got. It is though, though-- I got sick of therapists always wanting to explore my childhood and relationship with parents, so I was finally like "Look, it was what it was... can we just move beyond that and work with what *IS* right now?" Granted, 10 years later, I ended up marrying, basically, an amalgam of my parents and totally recreating their relationship, so ask me how well that worked out for me? I guess-- explore, investigate, but don't "own" would be my input on this one.

I'm not Leo (ha!) but just a note that HRV is fun to play around with and really reasonably priced to explore.

Elisabeth- Definitely could just be a mental hurdle/fear of the 20. In which case, I'd err on the side of sticking to the 20 and just power through until it click. MeditationDude- I mediate first thing on waking-- make myself a tea and then sit. While I've been regular with the habit, I've been irregular with the modality in that time-- sometimes tracks, sometimes not. I went through a phase where I was doing more hypnosis-style work during that time, and "woke up" one day realizing that time had become "work," not true meditation, so I backed back out to just silent awareness meditation and it was lovely again (but still around that 10 minute range. I wonder if I've just mentally trained myself to that being the range.) I am a consultant as a career-- tried to do a "pivot" this past year to teaching people to do what I do, so that took me down a path of the kind of "self development" the entrepreneurial circles gravitate towards (aka: not really so much meditation at all, but more meditation applied to the change of mindset-- that's when I pivoted back to just silent or MBRS, which is what the lion's share of my time has been spent doing.) Addictions/Bad Habits: I recently turned the corner on an overdrinking habit that's been following me for most of my adult life (though when I spell it out, most garden-variety sloshy executives just laugh-- but it was too much FOR ME)-- SO grateful it seems to have finally clicked in that! Bad habits: I'd say worry is my worst bad habit, being an "entrepreneur" introduces all those fears of being totally solo if things don't go as planned, impostor syndrome and all of that-- though, again, I think a lot of "entrepreneurial" space is a load of horsepoop- I'm an entrepreneur because I made the life choice to leave San Francsico and move to the mountains two years ago, so "entrepreneur" is my business form by necessity vs as a lifestyle choice. My lifestyle choice is to do what i need to to pay the bills and provide a life for my kids, and then spend time in nature, running, self-exploration. I'm not trying to be a two-comma, passive-income guru. I have two young kids. In the middle of a divorce. So, I guess I have "a lot going on" on the surface, but I do also integrate mindful moments throughout my day (5 minutes silent sitting when I sit down to my desk every morning and before I close the laptop every evening, etc.) and feel present and grounded throughout the day. I feel it's possible that I've just trained myself at that 5-10 minutes range and there's a mental hurdle getting past it. Using the running analogy-- a 50K is no more difficult than a road marathon (and way more fun!), but people have a mental level added to it. The hardest race to run for me (and one I've only run well once) is actually a 10K, but relatively untrained people "do" those all the time-- so, yeah, that's all mental. If it's just a mental hurdle, I'll stick with the 20. There is also a voice that my time might be better spent elsewhere (I "know" this isn't true, but the thought does creep in-- should I be learning something else, reading a book, etc. Doing vs being. Perhaps too much focus on outcomes again?) My morning routine is all self-development stuff until my kids wake up, so it's not like I transition from meditation to washing dishes or something. The time is still applied in a similar pursuit... Anyhow, sorry for the wall of text, but-- yeah. Any insight appreciated!

I'm a relative newbie to all of this, but what's amazing to me is, given the exact same experiences, I bet 80% of the people on this forum would say "this is cool as f*, this is exactly what I wanted!!" Definitely getting undertones of "be careful what you wish for, what's "seen" can't be unseen." And of ego applying fear to what was precisely the intended lesson. Great learning for me-- the lesson of "this really is all just temporary" really aught be explored, absorbed and made friends with before hurtled into that experience "for real."

Love it-- a fun aside, all my life people would ask, "What would you do if you knew you could not fail." My soul's instant response has always been, "I already know I cannot fail... now what the eff do I want to do?"

I'm a tarot intuitive and do this all the time with the cards. If I know I've given time to contemplation, I just drop a card and follow the lead (for me, I get more information than just a coin flip, but I find, when I don't want or need more information, I get something that's a clear yes or no, like a reverse or Death/Tower vs Star/Sun). When people get in touch with me and want a "should I or shouldn't I" and don't seem to want more than just that- especially if they come back again and again with yes/no, this-or-that kind of questions, I suggest coin flips all the time. You're right, nothing is random. (Or, I suppose you could say, "random is fine". And I suppose you could also say "Action beats inaction.")

Definitely suggest going through "the uncomfortable process" of waking up to veggies-- veggies are great, and easy, and convenient. (I buy a 2 lb bag of broccoli slaw and put it underneath nearly everything I eat. When the bag's starting to go south, I put it in my instant pot with some onions, garlic and coconut milk and make soup of it, so I always have something to sip.) I also intermittently fast, which is an on-trend way of saying I actually like to go long periods of time without eating-- I find it works nicely with my disposition and I prefer to work out on an empty stomach, so I usually eat an entire avocado every day-- fiber, good fats, nice and calorie dense, and delicious with pink salt on top. Also super convenient (you can just eat it right out of the shell.) Swapping white bread for whole grain might actually get you a few more calories, in addition to some nutrients (though I think our pendulum sway to WHOLE GRAIN EVERYTHING! has had a net negative overall impact (search lectins.) Research is generally poor about multivitamins and vitamin supplements in general- definitely doesn't make up for nutrient-sparse eating overall. Net-net: Sounds like the next step on your evolution is to learn to love veggies. It *IS* possible. Damn, I love veggies.

Interesting stuff! I read something a while back about the angle at which sunlight hits the eyes being an important piece of relief from SAD, so I always take my hat off for at least 15 minutes on long runs, no matter how sunny, and definitely notice a boost in mood (over and above what a 2-3 hour run would normally produce.) I'll incorporate this more when I can!

First- you hit the nail on the head, LESSON. Learn it, learn it once and for all. (I'm just off learning a $140K "lesson" from my future ex husband- should have learned it the other two times, but I guess $140K was what it took for it to finally sink in.) Second- You can be honest, actualized and self-aware and also protect yourself. You have a contract, you have two others in the mix. If it falls on you, factually, rationally and without drama get it from them. Just because you care about personal growth doesn't mean you're not also a business person in the larger scheme. They likely have some lessons they need to learn out of this thing, too. Oh, and track your time on all the stuff you're cleaning up on their behalf. Or just leave it there and pass along the bill for when the landlord bills for removal. As much as possible, remove the emotion from it, but "being a better person" in no way, shape or form means "just get bent and smile about it."

Others had some great thought-- one I don't think I saw mentioned- is it possible there's some "impostor syndrome" going on in there. Is it possible you don't believe you are being authentic in the investigation? Would be worth exploring. (But, yeah, I see a lot of other things going on in here-- studying the way you think you SHOULD be studying, putting time restrictions on it, making it an all-together uncomfortable and self-flagellating experience, that would probably release you to actually enjoy the experience. Interesting resonance with the sex metaphor above-- I recently got out of a relationship (marriage) with someone I absolutely did not want to have sex with. Actually explored whether I might just be a-sexual. Finally came around to "f* that noise!" and decided I was going to take my sexuality back-- I read that 10 am was the circadian-tuned best time to have sex if struggling with low libido, so I set my alarm for every day at 10 and, hell or high water, I'm going to have an orgasm, dammit, and this will fix it all! After weeks of the practice, heading up stairs for a date with my jackhammer at 10 on the nose, I had an experience where I left my body and looked down on myself... literally PUMMELING it out of me. I had known for a while that the experience wasn't at all fun, didn't really even feel all that good when the mission was accomplished (if it ever was before my legs, feet and arm would cramp up with the effort.) I had a real realization that I want this because it's supposed to be in pleasure and flow and cultivate creative energy and all sorts of GOOD stuff. It's not supposed to be effort. So, I stopped the 10 AM thing. Said "I'll just be open to whenever the spirit moves me." Slowly, the times I've feel moved have been increasing, and overall it's moving me closer to where I want to be. Less striving, more in flow... Net vastly better results despite a magnitude lesser "work."

In the beginning. meditation is a WHOLE lot of learning. An uncomfortable firehose of learning. I absolutely love the reminder (and Leo mentioned it in his beginning meditation video) that each and every "damn I messed that up, damn, messed it up again... ARGH, and now I'm messing it up again!" *IS* actually the practice. If you sit for 20 minutes and only "stray" once, you've only "practiced" once. If you stray a hundred times. you've "practiced" a hundred. I don't like to "lean into" the thoughts when they come, I just label and release them. "Judging" return... "fear".... return... "memory".... return. I also like the labeling Leo talks about "seeing".... return... "feeling"... return. For me, the labeling lets me feel like I'm being respectful and observant of what's coming up, and also seems to let that thought feel "heard" and fly away. But, the TLDR of all of this is: You're doing it right. Proceed!

Your sister is not you. She's got nothing to do with you. Nothing to be done there other than, as others have said, lead by example. A great thought "You cannot make others well by making yourself ill; You cannot make others rich by making yourself poor; You cannot worry enough to cause others to feel peace; You cannot make others feel love by hating; Cannot turn people kind by being rude..." You get the the picture... Embody what you want to see. That's the highest service here.

Yes, definitely... A few studies have shown we literally can't "multi-task"- You're only rapidly uni-tasking. Not getting ALL of any one experience. If you go a few truly mindful showers or meals and say, "meh, I want to listen to a track while I do this," then that time becomes "listening to a track" time while you mindlessly make yourself not stink or not starve, cool. But everything can be a mindfulness practice-- showering, eating, driving, cleaning house, etc. Worth giving it a shot all-in sometimes. Observe why you're "running away" from the mundane... is there anything there? Maybe not. But nothing to lose in taking it up as an intentional habit for a while just to see. The problem comes in when you need or want to concentrate and you find yourself habitually loading on. Good time to ask why.