Loving Radiance

@Max_V Hey Max, I am here Do you want to be heard with the contempt that's present right now? Or do you want to create something from the contempt? If you want only to be heard then don't read what I wrote below. What's bad about that? Do you imagine how you could look & how you could behave like? Do you compare yourself to an ideal of yours? If so, how come you do that? Is it about expanding or being better than yesterday? How does it feel to believe self-judgmental thoughts? How does it feel to believe self-rejecting thoughts instead of accepting yourself how you are right now? Can you go live your life having aspiring inspiration for what you want to be when you don't accept and don't feel good with your starting position? How does it feel to believe to not be at place in the world? You feel without a root, do you want to create that root for yourself or do you want to get a root from others that other salso can take away again? Beauty and elegance are good values to have. Why should you let go of what you want to value? What about looking at beauty and elegance from another angle that offers you a relief from self-judging thoughts? Does a soul have a face? When you look in the mirror do you think that the body is truly you? I mean, you are more complex than someone could ever imagine just by looking at your appearance. Imagine your're looking at somebody and assuming to know everything about them. No, you are deep. You are complex. No appearance could hold the beauty of your inner world. It matters how you feel. Can you imagine that you are independent of your appearance? Yes, you are seeing this right. No one else can realize self-love for you. Really stay with separation. It feels like tearing you apart. If you feel like expressing emotions, words or actions then go for it. You are here for yourself. You hold yourself in your expression. Trust that in expressing yourself without mask that you are transformed, released and at peace. If you wanna try it, I copied a love exercise from another post of mine: Self-love practice every day after meditation. Feel love being like a blessing that lays itself into the body & mind. Exercise: Imagine a sun radiating waves of love to you. The creating Goddess loves you. The sun is so hot & loving. It keeps loving. When you'd think the waves of heat radiating on you would stop you get hit again. Allow any processing of the body reacting to that happen. Do step 2 on the peak of shamanic breathing. Observe the reaction of the body when getting hit by the waves of love. In general, try out shamanic breathing for deepening that feeling state you are in right now. Face, embrace and hold it even when you are repulsed by it. I agree, letting it out feels so good. Letting out felt so good in the past, that's why I started a diary 5 months ago. It feels good just to write about the space I am in without needing to solve it. Just feeling and holding it like a baby in my arms. Ever embracing, ever present. In the end the practical thing for you is to be present with yourself the same as you would be with your child. Hold yourself in that feeling state. Tell yourself that you are loved no matter what you feel in the present. Tell yourself that you are accepted as you are with every emotion that is present.

September 25th: I go to make lunch with my friends. Ringing the door bell. I greet and hug my friend as she opens the door. No me acting. It just flows. No control. Then the organizing mind comes back to discuss where to make lunch.

@Consilience Very well said. Today with a psilocybin dose a bit above microdose it was recognized that they deepen consciousness and at the same time make thoughts etc more interesting & enticing in nature. Deepened consciousness allows for clearer recognition of forms of any kind, so it balances out somehow. Like going to a fair and being lucid about all the colorful attractions. Btw, the questions were more meant to deconstruct the separation between things. I will edit that. @Porphyry Fedotov Oh yeah, that's also common for me on an existential level rather than visuals.

@Inception Interesting share. Thanks! What do you mean by that?

@Muhammad Jawad It is not possible for me to understand you because you speak a mix of English and Urdu (?) in the video. That also goes for the one you posted in the shamanic breathing mega thread.

Nice, already crazy. What a relief.

@Leo Gura Concerning the alien view on reality thing (reality is not normal) you mentioned at the end: Sometimes I feel like going insane when recognizing in direct experience (not intellectually but experientially) that this body is so weird it is alien. This alien-cosmic feel also came when it was thought about how reality is infinite and this finite experience is almost non-existent in infinity. Then there was a shift in the body that this experience is not human. That this body was never alive. Felt outerworldly. How to differentiate between going insane and genuinely expanding your mind? These things happen without intention. There's just curiosity to explore and contemplate just for the joy of it.

Focus on the ususal sensation like warmth, tingling and blood circulation. Even if you don't feel anything, just listen to the absence of sensation like if you'd listen to silence. That's curious. It was the first one I felt and there wasn't even an intention to get to feel it.

I searched the books at https://www.erowid.org/library/books_online/shulgin_labbooks/ and nothing came out. So, it can be said that it was not Alexander Shulgin's work.

September 16th: I'm at a friends place and I hear a knock on the window. I open it and she is there asking me to give her a jacket through the window. While she speaks I look into her eyes. There is no knowing what all this means. No one is speaking to no one. No meaning. I understand. I got to watch out that her young cat doesn't jump through the window while I give her a jacket.

@flowboy Wow I didn't know true masters would care to be on this forum. I am honored. "Hey pssst, hey kiddo, wanna join my religion of boofing blessed mushrooms?"

Habe you tried boofing shrooms?

It takes disconnection to feel that what you want is connection. How else do you learn?

What Nahm said in this thread comes to mind. Somegirl also has to want to be there for her.

Try out desensitization: https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-get-rid-of-gag-reflex#desensitizing

@somegirl What would happen when you approach her telling her that the silent treatment is a drain on your relationship and that you want it to be over? Hm, I see no way out of this because she very likely won't dig into her past to heal her emotional wounds that get expressed in this unconscious behavior.

Was love really ever coming from her? What did you do in the past when you stopped the silent treatment? Did you please her and say you were overreacting? Did you ever talk with her about her toxic behavior (this being not a good way to treat a child) while at the same time not apologizing for you protecting your boundaries?

Something I read just now that reminded me of this thread:

But Leo, how come you're omniscient and don't know that the delivery guy comes into the scene after 5 minutes? How come you have to check the camera's battery life????

@Thought Art They are At that time I thought 10g fresh truffles is equal to 1g dried shrooms just because I read it somewhere and assumed it to be true LOL. Though all the other times it worked out fine with the normal doses of 10-13g. That trip was just breaking the mind & exhausting the body.

I made a lemon tek. I eat an apple to get some juices in. The comeup feels brutal, like getting pulled up in the highest roller coaster track. The comeup is rough. I want to let go of this person [more on that see edit 3]. I prepare to surrender. But nothing could prepare me. Entities appear like bullies around me. Keeping me small. I rise up, saying, "I am Goodness. I am Love." I am the one keeping the lights on, not you. I am very sure to turn this trip around. Oh boy. I become conscious of this body being an ape. But there is no control. There is no one moving that body. Wake up in this body. Know nothing what this is. This body feels like a cage, limited. There's so much more but know forgotten. It is just out of this world. Alien doesn't describe it, more cosmic or universal. Arriving at Infinity. Pure machine. It's a spinning apparatus, spinning for ever, feeding into itself, being itself. A perfect loop. Spitting out creation for ever. Words repeatedly come out of the mouth, "Existence.", "It makes no sense." and "Pure insanity." It is Existence, everything else would be a lie. Memories fade now, however it was devoid of everything, being like a canvas that holds everything that is painted on it. No emotion or property of any kind. Even saying no characteristic would be a characteristic. Everything less than Infinity can be labeled. What came up first when detaching from Infinity was Love and Goodness. It is the Creator loving the creation. Words are said. They rhyme and loop back into each other like the Infinite loop. Doesn't make sense now, however it was an existential feeling of Eternal and dead immortality. There comes awareness of the body. No one is speaking, "What have you done.", "You wanted that.", "You got what you wanted.", "You are completely insane now." [more on that see edit 2] The body moves on its own. Being naked on the floor. Being back on the bed in fetal position. Recognizing that it doesn't feel good. It isn't important how the body is, it is already dead. However it moves to being comfortable and getting some warmth again. There is not knowing what breathing means. It is known that there is O2 needed. Time is nonexistent. There is bodily reaction to the knowing that this experience is timeless and standing still. I believe to be dead, that nothing could be done to me because I am nothing. Memories also fade here. I accept to be carried into an insane asylum for the rest of the life. It still isn't in the normal physical reality. However I knew I fucked up the meaning making structure and would be insane for ever. That was accepted. No, it was no choice. It was still acceptance. [more on that see edit 1] I was spit out. Joy overcame me. So much Love. I felt greatefulness that the identity was back. It was pleasant to feel to be sane again, to have an identity back. God spoke to me through my mouth, "My child, you are so loved.", "You are everything that I ever wanted.", "I want you to exist and you are perfect.", "My child, I want everything for you.", "Dance my child and dance for me. Dance and the universe dances with you." I read the trip questions. So much egoic stuff of clinging to identity, being afraid of dying. Beforehand I wrote some answers under the questions and they all were right. What felt to be said is that this knowing of You is requisite for living life. When you face any limitations that are connected with being an identity you feel back into your eternal nature. You know you are non-existent. So just create what you want because God is you and you create through God's will. After that I just felt exhausted. Getting outside. There was internal stillness. No mind movement. Just barely the essential movement. Edit 1: What came up now was a feeling of infinite warping right before coming back into the body. There was no reality but infinite warping, an infinite loop. Very difficult to describe. While in that state the door bell rang. There was a knowing that going to there to the door naked would just be infinite warping. It was devoid of anything human. Just pure movement. Eternal. Immortality. ... Yeah, there was just warping and the imagined human life was seen as imagination. It's just warping forever. Edit 2: What was remembered again is Infinity being a circle. A sinus wave. Forever and ever. The mind tries to make sense of it but it is beyond. When the mind grasps it it is a circle spinning forever. A straight line which is the circle. Doesn't compute. Doesn't have to compute. Edit 3: I didn't want to be this person anymore but wanted to be another person. There was really no want to be nobody but a person I would like myself to be.

@Mu_ Good to hear that

Self-love practice every day after meditation. Feel love being like a blessing that lays itself into the body & mind. Exercise: Imagine a sun radiating waves of love to you. The creating Goddess loves you. The sun is so hot & loving. It keeps loving. When you'd think the waves of heat radiating on you would stop you get hit again. Allow any processing of the body reacting to that happen. Do step 2 on the peak of shamanic breathing. Observe the reaction of the body when getting hit by the waves of love.

@Nahm I think it was garlic press, then put in a cup with lemon juice. In the future I do the good ol' lemon tek'n tea. More prep can be beneficial.

@Nahm Holy fuck yes