Loving Radiance

Something I read just now that reminded me of this thread:

But Leo, how come you're omniscient and don't know that the delivery guy comes into the scene after 5 minutes? How come you have to check the camera's battery life????

@Thought Art They are At that time I thought 10g fresh truffles is equal to 1g dried shrooms just because I read it somewhere and assumed it to be true LOL. Though all the other times it worked out fine with the normal doses of 10-13g. That trip was just breaking the mind & exhausting the body.

I made a lemon tek. I eat an apple to get some juices in. The comeup feels brutal, like getting pulled up in the highest roller coaster track. The comeup is rough. I want to let go of this person [more on that see edit 3]. I prepare to surrender. But nothing could prepare me. Entities appear like bullies around me. Keeping me small. I rise up, saying, "I am Goodness. I am Love." I am the one keeping the lights on, not you. I am very sure to turn this trip around. Oh boy. I become conscious of this body being an ape. But there is no control. There is no one moving that body. Wake up in this body. Know nothing what this is. This body feels like a cage, limited. There's so much more but know forgotten. It is just out of this world. Alien doesn't describe it, more cosmic or universal. Arriving at Infinity. Pure machine. It's a spinning apparatus, spinning for ever, feeding into itself, being itself. A perfect loop. Spitting out creation for ever. Words repeatedly come out of the mouth, "Existence.", "It makes no sense." and "Pure insanity." It is Existence, everything else would be a lie. Memories fade now, however it was devoid of everything, being like a canvas that holds everything that is painted on it. No emotion or property of any kind. Even saying no characteristic would be a characteristic. Everything less than Infinity can be labeled. What came up first when detaching from Infinity was Love and Goodness. It is the Creator loving the creation. Words are said. They rhyme and loop back into each other like the Infinite loop. Doesn't make sense now, however it was an existential feeling of Eternal and dead immortality. There comes awareness of the body. No one is speaking, "What have you done.", "You wanted that.", "You got what you wanted.", "You are completely insane now." [more on that see edit 2] The body moves on its own. Being naked on the floor. Being back on the bed in fetal position. Recognizing that it doesn't feel good. It isn't important how the body is, it is already dead. However it moves to being comfortable and getting some warmth again. There is not knowing what breathing means. It is known that there is O2 needed. Time is nonexistent. There is bodily reaction to the knowing that this experience is timeless and standing still. I believe to be dead, that nothing could be done to me because I am nothing. Memories also fade here. I accept to be carried into an insane asylum for the rest of the life. It still isn't in the normal physical reality. However I knew I fucked up the meaning making structure and would be insane for ever. That was accepted. No, it was no choice. It was still acceptance. [more on that see edit 1] I was spit out. Joy overcame me. So much Love. I felt greatefulness that the identity was back. It was pleasant to feel to be sane again, to have an identity back. God spoke to me through my mouth, "My child, you are so loved.", "You are everything that I ever wanted.", "I want you to exist and you are perfect.", "My child, I want everything for you.", "Dance my child and dance for me. Dance and the universe dances with you." I read the trip questions. So much egoic stuff of clinging to identity, being afraid of dying. Beforehand I wrote some answers under the questions and they all were right. What felt to be said is that this knowing of You is requisite for living life. When you face any limitations that are connected with being an identity you feel back into your eternal nature. You know you are non-existent. So just create what you want because God is you and you create through God's will. After that I just felt exhausted. Getting outside. There was internal stillness. No mind movement. Just barely the essential movement. Edit 1: What came up now was a feeling of infinite warping right before coming back into the body. There was no reality but infinite warping, an infinite loop. Very difficult to describe. While in that state the door bell rang. There was a knowing that going to there to the door naked would just be infinite warping. It was devoid of anything human. Just pure movement. Eternal. Immortality. ... Yeah, there was just warping and the imagined human life was seen as imagination. It's just warping forever. Edit 2: What was remembered again is Infinity being a circle. A sinus wave. Forever and ever. The mind tries to make sense of it but it is beyond. When the mind grasps it it is a circle spinning forever. A straight line which is the circle. Doesn't compute. Doesn't have to compute. Edit 3: I didn't want to be this person anymore but wanted to be another person. There was really no want to be nobody but a person I would like myself to be.

@Mu_ Good to hear that

Self-love practice every day after meditation. Feel love being like a blessing that lays itself into the body & mind. Exercise: Imagine a sun radiating waves of love to you. The creating Goddess loves you. The sun is so hot & loving. It keeps loving. When you'd think the waves of heat radiating on you would stop you get hit again. Allow any processing of the body reacting to that happen. Do step 2 on the peak of shamanic breathing. Observe the reaction of the body when getting hit by the waves of love.

@Nahm I think it was garlic press, then put in a cup with lemon juice. In the future I do the good ol' lemon tek'n tea. More prep can be beneficial.

@Nahm Holy fuck yes

Lol, I looked up the dosage. It seems as if I had double of a high dose considering lemon tek and no eating for 14h. It looks now more reckless in regard to my till then highest trip of 13g. No wonder why the mind felt broken. There is apparent choice and no body choosing. "Enlightenment is not something that you have to choose When there is no choice That which remains is enlightenment." - Osho

Hehe... reminds me of this

@Shiva99 Be present with it and witness how you are moving along despite it being there. https://thesecretyumiverse.wonderhowto.com/how-to/reduce-your-pain-body-0126596/

J&J I felt slight discomfort including for the next few hours after the shot. 6h hours after I felt sick. Day 1 after the shot: Nausea and headache only allowed me laying on the couch and do nothing. Any intellectual or manual work was hardly possible. Day 2: Headache and light & constant (and thus exhausting) muscle and joint pain. Cold showers were the only thing helping with the pain (haven't tried pain killers though). A few days after that there was only slight pain at the injections site. A friend of mine had J&J from the same vial as me and had no reaction whatsoever.

@Nahm Thank you for clearing that up. @caelanb I think a daily meditation habit is the first thing for you right now. That being said, I am interested what comes up when you read that below. Really depends on one’s connotation of ‘do’. We can turn a light on, or kick a football for example. Maybe you mean do about something specific…? Those are labels. Science can explain sex for example, but then when you experience sex it isn’t the connotation, or, the idea, or, labels. I wonder if what you’re really wondering is if believing thought labels in regard to feeling is delusional. In that case the label of ‘evidence’ could be let go, for the ‘real thing’. All labels are essentially delusional, yet no one is delusional. Edit: Just read some of the op… the issue at play is thought attachment. ‘Brain scanner’ isn’t a separate thing, it’s a thought, which believed, does seem like it is actually this separate thing, but of course… ‘separate thing’ is also just a thought. From a helpful, practical, useful standpoint… just literally label the hell out of everything on purpose. Doing so on purpose makes it clear it’s something one’s been doing all along. Similar to getting angry, or being serious on purpose.

From what I've read from caelanb: Feeling what we like and don't like is the only thing we can do - isn't that susceptible to delusion? In his experience, feeling is bodily sensations, thoughts and emotions which all can be explained by science. What in feeling is beyond that?

@ganu Because people are born. Being a feature rather than a bug.

@caelanb You can always come back after 6 months or a year to reread the comments here. You will lokk at it from another perspective. Leo made videos about them. Try letting go of stopping your mind. Rather focus on breathing, counting, mantra, scanning, awareness etc. Mine too Being open-minded and yet sceptic about these topics is can help you because you can learn so much and drop it at any time. Other perspectives beyond society's common knowledge are always seen as woo. The nonsense, BS and semantics point you to something you can experience and validate for yourself. Yes, you imagine that others experience New York. Of course imagining is functional for survival. That's why we can do it. No, feeling is something you know deeply that it's true. It is not rational, it involves your whole being. Being is much more intelligent and wise than the mind. Well, it's intelligence beyond the mind. There is self-love which is a very functional thing for humans. It grows you. There is Leo's video on love, radical Love and self-love. Better watch them too. Science is conceptual. There might be something you see. However, it is important to realize that what you see and what you think about it is not it. Meaning is constructed. Facts are constructed. Can you realize that? Because they are constructed they are functional for survival. Again, consider that what is functional is not really what's true... Always take it with a grain of salt. Realize that what all people talk about is a map and it is up to you to go out and see the territory for yourself. @Nahm Can you give your stance on feeling for caelanb?

Keeping going Also, there are active kinds of meditation that you personally might find more enjoyable. More active for example is vipassana meditation which is basically a body scan. However, even that requires a focused mind. So, at every beginning of vipassana meditation I'd do focus on breath or counting numbers. And even if you do that active technique, it gets boring after some time. Boredom is something you are getting confronted with in every meditation technique. Notice every arising feeling or emotion and come back to the thing you focus on. It's a never ending coming back to the thing you focus on (except for jhanas, but I have just conceptual understanding about that). Boredom is just another form arising that reminds you to refocus. For me personally what resonates is letting myself fall into comfy consciousness. Letting go from everything - just resting in awareness. It's like letting yourself drift in salt water and becoming one with the calm ocean. Things like thoughts & sensations may arise from the undifferentiated formless water and crystallize into form. They fall back into the water eventually. The benefits of meditation are very subtle in that you notice just a general sense of wellbeing & clear-headedness. When you stop meditation for months you will notice the difference. Hehe, you know it was truth. It requires no evidence because you personally verified it. You can try to validate it with perspectives from others. However, language can communicate just so much. What the perspective tells in language points you to truth and you can say "Yeah I know that personally". And still, you don't know the meaning/interpretation of what the perspectives really meant. And that's ok, you still imagine that we mean that same things and we speak of the same things in language. It's like going hiking in a nature reserve and seeing a rock shaped like a duck. You go back to the camp and ask the rangers for this particular kind of rock. They say, yes of course, many people discovered this one. You can take the pointing of that and validate that other people have discovered the rock. However, you still can have discovered a completely new rock shaped like a duck. The way you can verify that this is a new rock is to ask the rangers if they come back with you. Then you go together back and verify that this rock indeed a new one or not. With meditation you cannot ask other people to go back with you to validate that. You can only take the words and assume that's what they meant. This makes the practice tricky and you rediscover new dimensions of what people said even after you thought you discovered it already. It's like being a child and thinking to grasp what someone has told you. Then you rediscover it as an adult and you see the extent of it being broader & more complicated than you assumed as a kid. It's basically hyperventilating. The oxygen levels in your blood rise and the CO2 level go down. I also think the pH of the blood changes. There are no real drawbacks: you get ego-backlashes and there can be complications when you have heart problems or are pregnant. If you have heavy deep-seated trauma, it can come into your awareness and overwhelm you. Then it's better to do with a professional specializing in breathwork. Otherwise it is a good spiritual practice like meditation. A meditative calm mind certainly helps when emotions or memories arise and get expressed in the body as twitches, laughter, crying, tingles on the skin... These bodily sensations also certainly arise when being in trance or meditation. Meditation makes the mind clear (as in not attaching to thoughts etc). Introspection is shining the light of awareness on certain parts and recognizing truth and falsehood. The light of awareness can only illuminate just so much. That's why it's important to have a broad range of experiences. Experiences (even when you don't remember them anymore) shape the light to illuminate more parts or illuminate in other ways. Introspection leads to more insights. Insights lead to recontextualization of experiences. The experiences viewed from the new light are broader by nature and enable deeper introspection. And so on it goes. In introspecting you will see illuminated parts that are false. It hurts to recognize these parts (because you assumed them to be true) and the tendency is there to look away. Look at it and realize that it makes you more authentic, real and self-honest to be able to see and accept it. It doesn't have to change, rather continuing to be aware of it leads inevitably to transformation. Thoughts are the tools to create the life you want to have. Meditation or expanded states of consciousness in general increasingly show you that thoughts are not saying anything about you. Thoughts and the mind are there to create the life you want. Believing thoughts about yourself is conditioning. The basis is how you feel. Delusion is only when you believe reality to be a certain way. Open-mindedness and a pull towards truth/self-honesty come into play here. You delude yourself constantly without noticing. Curiosity and introspection get you to know yourself. Do you think feeling is limited? Edit: Experience the death of identity in an expanded state of consciousness. Then you will know it. And yet you begin to describe what it is. It is a world that you constructed to function better in society & the world. It is about deconstructing what you think the world is and then putting it together again. You will know it is illusory and at the same time you continue because you know you constructed it. It is about constructing your worldview consciously rather than getting it unconsciously from upbringing. Having a unconsciously constructed worldview is like having one pair of shoes for all kinds of situations. Sometimes another pair of shoes is needed for mountain climbing or living with a tribe in the amazon forest. Dropping the shoes and putting on others is effortless when you constructed them consciously. It is effortful when you attach to your unconscious paradigm. It is about having lots of differently coloured glasses for all kind of situations. You can drop the lens of material objective reality and put on and wear a magical-mystical lens for some time. And then another... They all distort, constract and magnify certain aspects of reality. It is about recognizing that you imagine New York and don't have direct experience of it. And yet, there is the Universal Mind that imagines New York and you as caeland. More on Mind later. Consistency is saying something about how you view the world, not how the world is (assuming the world is independent of you). Imagine that the world is entirely different and that you interpret it just in a consistent homeostatic way. Homeostasis is functional. Consider that what is functional is not always true. Imagine a lunatic in an insane asylum waking up every day and claiming that because his way of viewing reality from his lunatic perspective is consistent that it has truth. Well, it has, but it also doesn't have truth. It's partial. That doesn' answer it completely, but I hope is makes you ponder. Consider that your state of consciousness has to be less functional and thus less human in a sense for you to recognize that. Approaching the Absolute perspective (Mind) looks like denying reality. I mean, the rock in my hand is solid right? Physicality is somewhat explained here in the timestamped video. Watch till they speak about Donald Hoffmann. Well, it is mind-bending and defies reality. Reality breaks down. And it is ok to not get that. It is ok to think that this is impossible and insane. It is a map you read and it is too far out there for you right now. Hehe, imagine going to calculus class before knowing algebra. Doesn't work out right? Your ability to get this stuff gets better with time. Heck, when I read my first journaling entries, it's laughable how much stuff I assumed. And yet I stuck around and wrote in it persistently almost every day for months. There is a huge learning curve. No hurry. You grasp it with time.

Gift of existence I want to flow. I want to have the inspiring feeling of creating my life. There is so much beauty in the experience of life and the bittersweet creation of one's life path because it is ultimately finite. There is so much beauty and love in trying to create something and the inevitable end. But the end is a belief. And yet it feels so real. That you can experience this. Existence is a gift. A dance that dances only for itself. The love in that. To be able to feel something at all. It is a gift. There is so much love in it. In the suffering. In the striving. In expansion and contraction. How beautiful the world is. How kind the world can be that by contracting you feel that you are getting pulled towards expansion. I love you. I love you. I love you so much. You are precious. You are everything I wanted. You are perfect. I love you my child. I love you too. I cannot give you any present that would show my gratitude for existence. This self-love is too much for me to bear. I love you. I move on. You are unconditional, I know... Nevermind, I move on now. How come that living life without psilocybin increasingly feels like a trip? Just today there was a clear shift in recognizing eternity and feeling that this body was never alive and is already dead.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/leo-gura-on-infinite-consciousness-god-realization/id1521758802?i=1000534363397

No awakening. Just being calmer, present and at ease. Feeling that at any moment any emotion and state of mind can be accessed. There were less thoughts to attach to as they were less loud or somehow less self-referential (saying something about me). Enlightenment is seen to be permanent (however that itself breaks down). Awakening is temporary. The insights are true when looked from your life experience as reference. The broader your experiences the better you can differentiate truth from falsehood. You can recognize that the most truthful thing you have known till now is partial when having an insight into higher truth. Truth reveals itself to be self-evident, there's no doubt. Doubting comes after the fact. Also, expanded consciousness is connected to calm mind & being present. Imagine hearing: You can hear that and say "Weirdly said. I don't know if that's true." or "This makes no sense and is bs". Then you can also hear that during shamanic breathing. You feel the impact and extent of it. You recognize that you could have not have felt the extent in your usual state. It is like understanding things as a child and seeing things with adult capacities. Higher consciousness sees more holistic. It's know yourself first, then we can talk. More self-understanding is needed. Introspection & self-awareness are the way.

Can there still be energetic sensation after it opened?

Being focused is good. Focus is something you can train. You can also transcend the duality of focused/unfocused and realize that awareness could truly never be unfocused. Btw IME, a 10 day retreat (6 hours of meditation, listening to lessons, eating, sleeping) brought more focus than meditating daily for 1 hour for 6 months.

Towards the end he got nice yellow insights when he reflects on Jimmy. Great conversation, thanks for sharing.

In the past weeks there were many instances of the body just acting. Too many to write them all here. August 26th: At a cacao, cuddle and dance evening facilitated by friends there were so many moments of witnessing not knowing. It was the best evening I can remember and yet in the end when I feel into my bed I had the visceral feeling of immediate death and end of experience. There are still slight flashbacks from that. Anyhow, there were situations of not knowing what to do in situations. In the past there would be insecure feelings (thoughts about identity) coming up. However with the cacao there was a letting go and letting the body act. There was still identity present and yet the experience was of acting on autopilot without control nor attaching to a want and forcing to manifest that want. August 28th: I am on my way home with a girl from a Green temple like happening (cacao ceremony with emotional expression & integration with option for sexual encounters). We are drawn to each other. There is just acting out without thoughts about self-image. It seems as if we are lovingly sitting besides each other & caressing each other. It's. So. Not. Personal. Nothing is personal. Then the control comes back when we come out the public transport to the street. Today I came to say farewell to an exchange student who travels back to France. I went to her not having prepared anything to say. Opening the door to the corridor and seeing all the stuff laying around was already semi not knowing. It was surprising to see all the stuff although it now makes sense. She appeared in a second and the body acted automatically. There was no thoughts about what to say next nor was there any insecurity. There was a recognition that this was happening on its own. Semi not knowing. There was a decision and believing thoughts about authentic communication. All that what happened didn't really come from control. There was somewhat control and still, somewhat of a self-image to hold up. She said, "I wish you a happy life." There was no mind to understand the extend of that and yet the response was to wish the same (semi control). Now imagining the situation to go in another way, it could have been more mental/intellectual for more control on my side to relate to her more. Imagining her to feel more connected and finished with this stage of life if I'd been more controlling & on the mental side. It's good.

I read the quote a few minutes ago and it reminded me of this thread. What comes up in you when you read that @Charlotte? https://thepowermoves.com/personal-power-tony-robbins/