Loving Radiance

@jacknine119 It helped me to distance myself and heal for a time. Now I feel I want to get more into contact despite their development and level of unconsciousness. Trust your intuition.

Because of ideology and epistemology (being dumb in critical thinking, bias, and sense-making).

1. Be conscious of yourself when you stay in the relationship for sex and not for the person you are in relation with. Be conscious that you stay in this relationship to fulfill your own needs. I imagine that you are in need for sexual pleasure and your partner is the only source for that. Do you practice self-pleasure and are you praying to yourself in that practice? Do you give yourself love? 2.1 It is important for your partner that you communicate with her and that she knows when you want to be high. What is so difficult for you about that? It is reasonable that she wants to be informed because you are living together. (I get how there is something in your psyche that makes this difficult.) 2.2 What would it feel like if you communicate with her before you take psychs? Is that difficult for you? If so, what feeling arises when you imagine doing this "communication before action"? Go into the feeling and listen what it needs and what it wants to tell you. 2.3 As you already wrote, it seems to be a pattern for you to be unbalanced in this. It points towards an unresolved protective pattern in you, expressing as avoidant attachment. There is a shadow part in you which makes you not communicate and use psychs behind her back. So, get present when you have the feeling of doing psychs without communicating with her beforehand. Notice the impulses drawing you towards reaction, to fall into autopilot mode. Notice the energetic and emotional flow that brings you into this. Feel into yourself and ask yourself what you try to get by doing this action. What need are you wanting to fulfill or what story are you wanting to affirm and repeat? What quality of state of consciousness is that shadow part in and how does it feel like? How is it stuck in repeating a loop? What pain or vulnerability is this feeling/pattern/part avoiding? 3. Once you become more conscious of your pattern - emotionally and cognitively - talk with her about you being regularly stuck in your protective pattern which makes you be in a dissociated, shut-down state of consciousness (which makes it difficult for you to communicate). Talk with her how she can feel empathy for you and help you get present in that moment when these situations occur again. Think of baby steps how you can bring more consciousness into the habit. Be prepared take the long road because it is so engrained in you. For example, I have noticed that I go into guzzle mode whenever I eat. I notice that whenever I chew a portion, there comes a time when I already prepare the next portion to stuff into my mouth. I am not present and enjoying the portion I still have in my mouth. The baby step is then that I become conscious of it and slow down my eating. I prepare the next portion only after I have chewed and swallowed the last one. I eat mindfully and taste the portion in my mouth. This is doing small steps for me. And of course, I will fall right back into guzzle mode just after a few seconds, just as fast as attaching to thoughts while meditating. I notice that I think of it and become more conscious of it more often. I always ate like this so it will take some time till I fully bring mindfulness into it. 4. What did all your close friends and partners mirror to you or criticize on you? Connect the dots and notice patterns arising. From your post I see avoidant attachment (with the accompanying survival responses of flight, then freeze, and - if nothing helps - fight) and spiritual bypassing. The ego structure will use awakening and higher states of consciousness to serve its patterns. For you these patterns are of avoidance. Do the shadow work. Face the truth and the feeling that you are avoiding in the relative realm. Come out of hiding and give yourself to grace:

@Elton You came here to create something with your life. Yes, going the hero's journey is hard and arduous. And it's most fulfilling when you walk it, stop, look around and take in the beauty and start walking again.

Actualized Quotes #081 On the point of theft, here is a high-quality podcast that I was reminded of: "How Offshore Finance Corrodes Culture, Politics & A Globalised World" https://open.spotify.com/episode/1y16qp6vRVXet5e0PRC034

Amazing find. Thank you for sharing!

I'm glad you folks can take something from this

@Sandhu https://www.visualcapitalist.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/cognitive-bias.jpg

Google them and share interesting biases you discovered

@numbersinarow It's not about taking sides and clinging to it, it's about what is more important for the current situation. A clear opinion is practical in dire times. The reality is that you cannot do analysis and build up civilization from understanding the systemic issues at hand when we are still in war with each other. Universal rules in the relative domain are imagined. The rules we accept are based on survival, so we imagine them to be universal.

Pass #10: Negative Themes It was very useful to use the additional reasons I jotted down of #9 as reference points to connect the dots and discover the themes. Original negative theme: Friendship and thus Health are caused by social trauma Clarity & Open-mindedness to cope with trauma (with mental bypassing leading to non-embodiment) Authenticity, Self-Mastery, Wisdom, Contribution and Health caused by rejection & judgement of the old non-embodied, depressive and purposeless life Self-Mastery, Wisdom, and Contribution are caused as reaction to using Clarity and Open-mindedness to cope with #1 and are also caused by unworthiness in #1 (needing [value] to be worthy of love -> social trauma; being pushed by inner critic) using Love and Grace to cope (seeking safety from inner critic) Another theme: Clarity, Open-mindedness (and Wisdom) are caused by the dissociation coping-lifestyle developed after traumatic magic truffles experiences (April 16th, 2021 - Trip & July 3rd, 2021 - Trip)

This position is taken by Leo considering the current genocidal circumstances in Gaza. Systemic thinking is fluid and practical enough to make black-white distinctions if it requires it. You are not going to extinguish a fire by analyzing all the actors & circumstances which caused the fire. First you need a water bucket.

Pass #9: Positive vs. Negative Values Before I started, I searched this forum if other people have done it. I read a thread of a guy who rushed through the passes, and I noticed that some of his reasons felt negatively motivated although he gave his values 100% positive rating. So, I noticed this same tendency in myself and chose to be radically honest, truly introspect, check myself and go through this for as long as it had to be. Trauma and the inner critic (who acts on unfulfilled shadow needs) influenced me a lot just by going through the questions alone even when I thought to be positively influenced. I am glad I did write down the negative motivations in pass #8 whenever I noticed them coming up for me in that pass. This helped a lot for determining the ratios. I suggest others to do that too. Additionally, it helped me to envision and feel the pull towards this value. It then made it clear to me if I'm pulled towards the value by positive motivation or pushed towards it by negative motivation. Lots of high negative motivation. 1. Authenticity "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?" I want this because I deeply desire the feeling of aliveness that comes when I am grounded in myself and express from that self-secure state of being. I feel powerful and self-loving. I am connected to the world because I am connected to myself. There is a great fear of and a deep desire for being great. I am here to create from Authenticity. To express what I am. Yes I also want it because I feel disconnected from life when I am not living it. Pass #8: I noticed that values with little Authenticity felt empty and devoid of life. There is an avoidance of this emptiness/corruption because there is the inner critic who judges me for being less in Authenticity, less embodiment. Rejection of the parts in me which I was mainly giving energy towards like Clarity or Open-mindedness rather than Authenticity. "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 60% "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 40% because of the judgmental inner critic positive/negative ratio: 60/40 2. Self-Mastery "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?" I want to experience more of life and see what life would look like if I am living at the highest level possible, having actualized my highest potential. Radiating at the highest level. - Inner critic part (or toxic inner coach) pushes me to become lovable by becoming better. Judgement towards the old me that was intellectually masturbating, more cerebral and cognitive in order to avoid doing the basic self-development work. "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 40% "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" inner critic pushed me on the self-development path avoidance of inner critic's judgement by becoming better inner critic will never be satisfied with anything other than perfection, there will always be a bit of dust on the floor 60% inner critic who judges me for not being Self-Mastery and thus not in Contribution positive/negative ratio: 40/60 3. Wisdom/Simplicity "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?" I feel true to myself, heart-aligned I am in service to the life that wants to move through me and I feel a dedication to life inner critic bias towards values that lead me to embodiment instead of a life of disconnected intellectual bypassing like in the past inner critic pushing me to embody Contribution and thus prefer Wisdom over "impractical" values (which don't add my contribution to the world) which I used to distract, dissociate and avoid life I would avoid feeling lost and not understanding the world How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 50% "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 50% because I would be neglecting needs and thus suffer like in the past. It's an obligation to do it. positive/negative ratio: 50/50 4. Contribution/Impact/Helping Others/Society/Wholeness/Nature "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?" There is a desire to bring more consciousness into the world so that we recognize who and where we are. There is a love in recognizing one's place and giving oneself to life. I want people to recognize the gift of life and the inherent creative and spiritual power of that life. Pass #8: Limiting belief that without Contribution I am of no value to the world. Unworthiness unless I give to the world. Belief of "I am only worthy of love when I embody Contribution". "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 20% "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 80% - the pain & suffering would devastate me positive/negative ratio: 20/80 5. Friendship/Companionship/Community "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?" I love the way of life with people surrounding me where we connect and see each other as how we are. I would avoid isolation because I spend my all the years from high school till university without friends or anyone to talk to and open up emotionally. I also avoid being isolated because from university till now I explored this value mostly through separated and controlled interactions with friends. Something vital is missing from my life without friendship and there is deep trauma which keeps reoccurring and influencing my perception of there being a wall to others and me being the outsider. In pass #8 I noticed that perfect 10/10 will never be enough because of the deep lack I experienced especially in teenage years. It's social security. It's judgement and rejection of those parts in me which I associate with the old, anxiety-plagued outsider-me "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 10% "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 90% positive/negative ratio: 10/90 6. Health "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?" I desire to live on an optimal foundation to build my life on. (pass #8 "Health serves Authenticity") I noticed that sluggish, depressed and internet-addicted life is not a life worth living. I notice that with Health I hope to avoid the depressed, dissociated state of mind in which I was in in the past. Pass #8: Health is closely linked to Self-Mastery where the inner critic operates. Health has a feeling of lack similar to Friendship. I am often in a trauma activated and neediness state with Health because, in order to deal with the Friendship trauma, I had to disconnect from the pain of lacking Friendship which needed me to be disconnected and neglecting of my Health. There is also resentment in myself for having neglected myself for so long. Anything where I don't put Health as highest priority feels like this trauma of neglection and the arising resentment about myself for that. "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 30% "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 70% positive/negative ratio: 30/70 7. Love/Intimacy/Spirituality/Beauty/Connection/Joy "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear? I desire Love because of the peace and feeling safe & cared for. I enjoy the expansive state. Low self-esteem and harsh inner critic. Wanting to be shielded from that harsh inner dialogue "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 70% "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 30% positive/negative ratio: 70/30 8. Grace/Compassion/Empathy "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear? I relish being 10/10 Grace. I love feeling connected to people Fleeing from the harsh inner critic, wanting to be rescued by Grace and seeking shelter in Grace. It alleviates the pain and suffering. Pass #8: Very similar dynamic to Love "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 50% "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 50% positive/negative ratio: 50/50 9. Clarity/Truth/Consciousness/Awareness/Feeling/Understanding "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear? I desire the feeling of Clarity. It gives me a sense of security. There is a sense of feeling powerful which I desire. Avoiding the state of confusion and not being able to make sense of reality. Avoiding feeling unsure and insecure.looking at Friendship trauma and resulting lack in Health. "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 40 "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 60 positive/negative ratio: 40/60 10. Open-mindedness/Perspective/Exploration/Reflection "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear? I love Exploration of perspectives. There is a sense of love because I can see through somebody's eyes und truly understand them. There is an expansive relief too when I discover small things which I overlooked in myself that I attached to. Same as Clarity, I avoid a sense of confusion & disorientation. "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 60% "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 40% positive/negative ratio: 60/40

Transcend your own limitations over time. Look back on your former more-limitation-self and feel what POV you had and why you had it. Now, notice and feel the limitation of other people. Notice what their POV offers and lacks. Notice what it offers your POV and how it adds to your POV when integrated. Depends on the current moment. Sometimes it is worthwhile to stay listening and eventually notice something that is valuable and adds to your POV, and sometimes the possible gold nugget is not worth spending so much time. Over time you will develop a taste for it and will be very quick in filtering out people. I for myself listen to my intuition (= inner knowing) because it is better at judging/predicting if someone is worth listening to or discussing with. My mind has all sorts of good reasons to continue or break with a person, but ultimately it always came down to what my intuition said. - The advice of listening to intuition is only good when you have questioned your intuition again and again and when you have developed your ability to hear it.

Update I am still part of the community which has shadow & light work as a high priority. I feel that I found likeminded people who I will be with for long time. The original community split apart due to value misalignment between two of the leading people. Cult dynamics are of course central to that whole story. It taught me to question people who I judge to be highly conscious and have come far in their development. Cult dynamics engulf even highly conscious people. The solution of that is constant reflection and mirroring of all people, no matter if they are in a leading position or not. We all have intelligence in us, which of course is clouded by all the unexamined stuff in the shadows, but which has a kernel of truth in it. I saw the cult dynamics in the people who lead the community for long time and partly addressed it with people. Most excused it by gaslighting me about my triggered state (which was true at that time) and thus were able to excuse it and dismiss the original criticism. I found out later on that some of the leading people some saw the cult dynamic happening where one highly conscious, and paradoxically narcissistic person manipulated the structure and direction of the community in order for all other people to do the dirty work and the highly conscious person being isolated from that, "in order to do the more important work of consciousness studies". It too happened at "Go and Change" community in Germany where he was before. I remember from Leo's cult videos, that people leaving a cult either create a cult, find another cult or heal from the psychological and physical abuse of the cult. One after another people left the small community because of the overly serious lifestyle and constant work. This cult dynamic was not exploiting people for sex or money but work. Overwork was common, and the following signs of burnout were excused away by "being not awake enough", "not being cleaned up in the shadow" and "being in victim" (victim blaming and anti-victim bias). Much growth happened in that community for me. Of course, cult dynamics in groups are tolerated because of the benefits the whole group structure brings. It brought me to a truer perception of myself and others. I feel that the path is me doing the development, actualization and transcendence and transmitting this quality & state of consciousness to others via state change in workshops & seminars with breathwork, mindfulness exercises, dance, singing, energy work, shadow work, yogic exercises... I want to show people that different states of consciousness are possible other than the normal day-to-day trance. Walking through the city I notice the collective trance most people are in and them accepting the structure of society (e.g. wage slavery) which does not serve them and the unfulfilled blank space of what they could get out of life. It doesn't require all people leaving jobs. It only needs a clarification of the true inner values and what your heart calls you towards. I am on the path of cleaning up and showing up. I feel guided by my heart and feel that I as Life will provide.