wesyasz

Illness, horrible heartbreak, suicidal thoughts. Eckhart Tolle, first lsd, meditation. Watching crazy synchronicites, my thoughts almost materialising in front of me, few small awakenings while sober, watching how reality is mirroring my emotional state, watching reality in general. Extreme awakening on mushrooms. Now slowly working my way up without any substances. Apart from cacao . All in a space of just 9 months.

I did mushrooms only one single time and I actually have died and woke up, forgot this reality, forgot myself, forgot everything. Woke up to God imagining this. Smoked weed before many times with never much out of it . So it really depends.

Thank you all for your input! @inFlow I actually think it is the opposite. I feel much more conscious after the day, especially if I am tired after for example climbing session followed by yoga. And especially if there was not much sleep previous night. I think mind is just tired and is giving up! Then I am more conscious if I sleep less than when I sleep more. Bad sleeping pattern along with ego backlash might be both right too. I am going to sleep quite late and I am trying to wake up everyday at 6 to start my day early with meditation but my body is recently very tired and I hardly ever manage to get up that early. I don't even remember when I switch off alarm clock. And then I wake up quite tired and take me a while to get out of bed. But it's also major changes and difficult challanges in my life so I guess it's just temporary and I hope that tiredness and lack of motivation will pass eventually.

I knew. Me is an illusion. I was and is right. Me is confused. I knows. Me plays that it knows. Me is trying to kill I. I need to kill me. I is freedom. Me is prison. That few lines sounds like insane person, but it actually makes a lot of sense.

I have managed to get back into my yoga and meditation routine, need to bring back reiki and energetic massage today. It feels good. Today after morning meditation and book I did felt glowing and I was smiling for no reason. A lot of joy. Just went for a walk to collect a parcel and there was a dog in one of the houses garden barking at me. I just looked into his eyes with all my love and being one that he just melted away. I have never seen such a confused animal in my life. He looked scared, innocent, confused and friendly all at once. - you are not as threatening and scary as you thought, huh? He curled his tail underneath him and took few steps back, then slowly I convinced him to trust and come closer. On my way back there were little girls amusing him already and he looked as friendly and loving as dog can get. So called "dangerous", previously dog I love animals. Honestly.

Yes it is definitely mind. But why so much? Mostly negative emotions or feelings, lack of gratitude. Lack of peace the most I'd say.

In my own, sometimes. Feeling lonely so coming to forum.

Seeking attention.

My problem is becoming addicted to it, since on a day I skip it I feel very low in all aspects.

Sure it does not raise it by itself, though anytime I have cacao I feel more connected to myself.

This is why you train yourself to not believe your thoughts, because they also cause feelings. But I do agree that some of the feelings are independent of thoughts, at least conscious ones.

I struggle with that too. Not being able to share yourself as nobody understand. I just keep things for myself and try to be loving and good to other people makes me feel at best for where I am at right now.

Never in my life created monsters

Appreciate this one! Really. How do you deal with physical illness and emotional terror then?

I will truly believe when I see someone reaching that without psychedelics.

I won't agree. Sometimes being in this body/form might be way too unpeasant that it's quite understandable why someone want to leave it.

If you would be able to share some of your methods to get into lucid dreaming that would be great!

Remember that death is just your concept. Especially that this is "tragic". He might be in a much better place than you or me. He might just awake. You don't know. The only reason you can call it tragic is because you miss a person, you feel more alone without a person, or because of your fear of your own death.

I feel trapped in this city without a car. I really needed to go to the mountains. To the nature. Like... really. So I even joined facebook groups to join some people for a weekend trip but nothing, no one really made me writing to them and joining. But I found someone who wanted to go to do some climbing in the gym. So we met, climbing was great and by the time she said - I am going with friends to the mountains on Sunday, so if you have nothing to do, you can go with us! I do not know what to do about all this. I feel peoples attention is on me. Anywhere I go I mostly easily get connected with people. Or at least that's how I feel. I have also had very old teeth filling (amalgam) which apparently is toxic. I have 2 of them, probably still from primary school or something like that. I wanted to get it out in some certified place so they to it safely. But I went to my ordinary dentist and apparently I have got a trouble with that teeth! And she just started to working on it, which also included removing of the old amalgam filling... I have had like no choice really, so she just drilled and got this shit out of there... Sometimes it's good to have no choice. I feel ok. Probably should feel some weird feeling straight away if that wasn't a way to do that. Will ask her probably to remove second one. No risk, no fun. Also, yesterday I have had a super micro awakening. I don't know what has contributed to that. Maybe the fact my mind been tired after only couple of hours sleep previous day and then climbing hard, maybe CBD I am using, or maybe book I was reading (Zen of Love) by the time. Most likely all of this has played it's role. While reading that book I simply realized that this book just IS. Nobody has really written it. Though I can probably create the person, even meet him if I would really want it to happen. But it is not the case. That book just is. I am reading it, but it has never been written, but it is written in the same time. I have just had this feeling of stepping back a little and looking at it from different perspective. My mind gave up. I could feel no past, no future. The fact that I am in the present moment and I always AM there. And as I move, scenery change but all of this simply IS in the present moment and I watch it. That everything just IS. The feeling is gone this morning though. But I hope to regain it. "Zen of Love" book is actually a beautiful bridge into there. There was also a simple technique about how to get into love state, about how to dissolve what is untrue so only Truth is left. It was as simple as dropping your armor, imagining somebody/something you love, a broken heart or your bad feelings about yourself, unworthiness or any thought you believed and was holding you back and just loving it. So I have brought the warmest and most beautiful image of my ex beloved and all the pain associated with loosing the relationship we've had. I put myself in that dark feeling I am avoiding to look at, tears were dropping heavily. And then I just loved it with all my being. And it simply dissolved all of this sadness! Like the light dissolving the shadow! I just couldn't feel the sadness any more! My mind has completely surrender and I couldn't stop laughing for at least 15 minutes! Then all the time through the evening my laugh has been coming back. I did yoga session and during that laugh has been jumping out of me in random moments. It was beautiful. I have been just filled with love. Simply loving everyone. Seeing through the illusion... I still am. But there is some resistance back now. Some level of illusion is back. But I will work on it. Even though my ego is trying to lead. I have had health problems by the end of last and beginning of this year. I have had a lot of "medicines" left, like antibiotics and other stuff. I have joined the group to give them for free. And then the guy has written to me. We have set it up, but then we have started talking. And I could see the root of his health problems. He simply was elsewhere. I have opened to him so much I could feel the love between me and him even though we were only speaking online. I felt huge gratitued and happiness of the fact that I was able to meet someone like him. He told me a story of how he all life was trying to discover what ELSE we are. Researching very old informations about universe and how we are just an image made of universe. He told me the story about his day just from before he got sick. He said he felt one with the universe, he was talking with the universe and he know that the universe can hear him. And next morning he have got heart attack... And then he believed he is sick. He believed he has got Lyme disease, even though he never had a tick in his life. He said I am the first person he is telling the story about the fact that he can SEE energy. He can see colors of the wind. He can see colors of the music, even of the words I have been typing to him. All his life when he looked at his body he didn't know who's it is. He felt oneness with everything. He was crying with the tree watching tree dying. He said he can hear some sort of "water drop sound" any time something or someone leaves this place. He said he once was on Emergency in hospital and that was a torture for him because water was dropping all the time! I think he actually has healing abilities. He told me a story of the woman who he helped just by holding her in his arms and his dog that somehow he helped. YET, I am the first person that told him he just have this amazing abilities! He actually believed psychiatrist and other people that told him there is something wrong with him! I am extremally grateful of meeting him. I felt connected within second because we were speaking from the place of turth, from the place of love. My body refuses now also anything that is "wrong". It doesn't want to deal with anything that has any negativity within it. I can only be true and positive, otherwise I suffer a lot. I went to the post office to actually send these antibiotics to him and one more person. I bought an envelope. I dropped that in. But I couldn't send it. My intuition told me to don't do that! I have actually felt panicked about being so dissociated... one part of me wanted to send it, the other resisted that with full force. One was saying it's okay, but the other was saying: IT'S ILLEGAL. You can get in trouble. You can easily feel what's inside envelope. If they check - you, or the other person will be IN TROUBLE. Also, why are you actually doing this if you do not believe that these medicines can actually truly help people? I didn't send it. And that guy have told me that it's good I have never sent it to him. He believed me that root of his illness is elsewhere. Does it give me responsibility if I am wrong? Life is really interesting. But there are also downs. With every high, sometimes I wake up in the morning with feeling hopeless. Like, utterly hopeless. Alone, with no understanding of any other being. Life seems pointless, meaningless. I really feel locked in here and want to escape. Suicidal thoughts are coming. But, so far I can deal with it. It isn't that often so I find ways to deal with it. Just believe it's just important part of awakening to the truth.

Just CBD oil. I have been smoking before so I know when I'm high.

I have started using it a few days ago. First impressions... I do not feel much. I mean... in general. I feel like I have not much feelings. Not getting emotional about anything. Which is good in a way, but not so sure. I feel a bit dumb though. Feel like my memory doesn't work properly too, I was trying to remind myself name of my employer from couple of years ago which I worked for 3 years and couldn't get it... So I don't know. Definitely has side effects. Don't feel it's so great.

Yeah I have been fighting with myself for about couple of weeks now to buy or not yoga mat for myself, because the place I am staying at is just temporary. I really felt like doing yoga but didn't felt like buying s mat and it annoyed me. I have done my washing and I have asked the owner of the house where can I hang it. He took me to the attic which is always empty and guess what was rolled out in the middle of the attic just waiting to be used? ... Beautiful yoga mat. Don't even know who's it might be as the owner definitely is not s yogic person and nobody else really lives here now. I have also run out of my mobile data in the phone yesterday. And today I have received a message in the morning on my other (this country) SIM card to download their app and play some funny game to receive free data...... Am I actually blessed or what is this all about?

How interesting life is. What is there about number 11? I even started thinking that I am obsessed with numerology and making things up, but then it's too much to be coincidence. Me and my ex wife been born in November which is eleventh month. Her sister who became a lot like my own sister was 11 years younger. I was 22 when we met, which is double of 11. We first met on 11.05.08.......05.11.19 was when we met last, 11 years later. I just cannot believe looking at these numbers. I am 33 now, which is also triple of 11. Apparently, chapter has came to an end.

So I have missed leaving Scotland actually. I truly feel connection to there. I have rent a room in a house in the city. Design of bedding i find? Sheeps. And a mug coaster from Paisley, Glasgow. Such a coincidence.

Thank you modmyth! I did get that coffee Yes, content has changed as I have disconnected from myself after car crash and consequences of it. But! I am getting back on track, I hope. I am collecting myself but it does take time. I have just done Reiki 2nd grade course, and yesterday right at the start I looked at the clock on the wall and it hasn't been changed for the winter time and it has been showing 11:11 at this very moment, even though it was 10:11 in "real" time. Today was the second day and we were just about doing meditation right before initiation and the guy next to me took his phone out to look at it and it's been 11:11 again. After initiation I felt great, people were even asking what happened that I am looking so blissful. I did felt full of love and happiness indeed. Yesterday I went to a gong bath, tibetan bowls, handpan and other instruments concert full of love and positive vibration. Somehow at night I couldn't sleep so I took my phone to turn on some random positive videoclip on YouTube and in a minute I found myself watching TEDx talk about how sounds can change your vibration and how significant it is. I don't even know how I found myself watching this video as I haven't been even looking for anything like that. Also, people doing the concert they Knew. They knew we are light, not this illusion. It's been beautiful place to be, felt home again for an hour and a half and not alone at there this time. I went there with a girl I met and I was planning to go to my favourite tea room after. I asked her if she wants to go out after and she said that going for some sort of TEA would be amazing... and I didn't know her preferences neither she knew mine before. We actually couldn't stop talking and we have so, so much in common that is unbelievable and to me it is pretty obvious it's again no coincidence we met. Even if we won't get very close I can already feel I have a friend in her which is something I do need in this city right now.