Cuzzo

I consider myself someone who has made a lot of growth in my life. I've seen the positive results from my self improvement. I have a lot of things to be grateful for and I am well liked for the most part. But lately..:I haven't felt to great about myself. I turned 24 a few days ago. And I have come to realize the amount of bridges I've burned in the past few months. Ive burned bridges with a good friend of mine after he crossed the line with me. I've burned bridges with a female co worker who I had a bit of a romantic involvement with. And most recently a lady friend of mine wants nothing to do with me. Now don't get me wrong, these people have wronged/provoked me in some manner. But I have come to realize how intense my vengeance mindset can be. If I feel wronged, I wouldn't just walk away. I'd have to come back at them in some way. My co worker was harassing me a lot. She liked me but didn't want to get serious because she had a boyfriend. And when I dated other people she would start drama with me. I try not to beat myself up over this because she was pushing my limits really badly. But I lost my cool and went off on her ultimately making her quit. I shouldn't have gone about it that way. Which makes me realize that I end up burning bridges with way too many women who I'm romantically involved with. It just always seems like we both walk away wanting nothing to do with each other. For so long I've blamed it on women and how they act. How they're irrational and always want to start shit. And this may be true to an extent. But I feel like I end up having a major fallout with most girls who I'm involved with. And this doesn't feel right. On top of all that my cat ran off, and I love my cat very much. We have always been close. He ended up showing back up. But I was so hurt by him leaving me that I wrote him off as a mindless animal and acted like I didn't care about him to save myself the hurt. It really upset my mom because she was trying to find him. I was very weak when that happened. I've been really trying to improve my life. Especially since the new year started. But lately, I'm starting to wonder if I'm even going about it the right way. Clearly in not happy with myself or things in my life despite the improvements I've made and the positive things I've had in life. For the first time in awhile, I have been in bed all day. I just feel like a totally piece of shit right now. I have like 2 dates set up later this week and now I don't even feel like going on them. I feel like I'd save these women the energy of dealing with my dumb ass if I just cancelled.

You're calling your friend a white knight. Maybe he realized he was a white knight.

I dont think there is such a thing as being fully enlightened. Maybe im wrong. It just seems like awareness would be infinite. Alan Watts might have been on a lower scale of awareness compared to other 'masters'

First off id like to say that I really value your posts OP. You're very insightful. Secondly I still dont know how I feel about monogamy. I've seen so many 'serious' relationships that are a complete sham. Im 23 and young as hell. So I don't want to make any rash assumptions. But i know a girl I fell for not only had a boyfriend without telling me, but she continued to pull that shit on me even after I found out. Now she is engaged to him...id hate to be that guy

I'm pretty sure I had an enlightening experience while on psychedelics. But for the most part I wasn't very aware of it because I was at music festivals and more concerned about partying. I can remember looking at everything around me and saying "dude...where is now?". It was before I had dug deep into any kind of spiritual work. I was not aware of what 'now' and 'present' actually were.

@Neuroticon I try not to be bitter, but for some reason I can be. Learning to not let that shit get to me has been a process. It comes down to understanding that there are tons of women out there, and you should walk away if you aren't getting the respect you deserve. I know Leo was going on and on about how women aren't as bad as some guys like to make them out to be, but I disagree. I agree with the pua stuff he was talking about, but I truly believe that many guys don't really know how to respect themselves because theyre so thirsty. A lot of women in the 18-23 range just don't act like very good people.

not enlightened, but I feel closer to something since a year ago thats for sure.

I was apart of amway. I got roped in because I was a youngin in the military. I was led into it by a fellow airman who was naive as shit. I was skeptical from day one, but gave it a shot. Then I decided to say screw it when I realized how shady the head of our group was.

@Socrates we could dig deep into all of that but at the end of the day it's all a bunch of insane jumble.

@Ajax don't worry about me man. That's under control. I just walk away from them when I realize what they're on. Being a good role model to a woman and showing them that you don't need to put up with that nonsense.

I remember when I could get shaken so easily by someone's words/threats/mind games. It would throw me off so easily. Now I found this...calmness...this confidence. Like I am more in touch with the force that can't be messed with.

I was gettin it on the dance floor last night thats for sure!

It has me doubting the significance of of enlightenment or truth actually is. I feel like a lot of people on this forum believe that reaching enlightenment is like getting a spiritual degree. Once you have it, boom, you're done. You have reached the final stage. I believe that Leo mentioned in one of his videos that once you leave the matrix, that you no longer have to work on staying out of it... But I am trying to question everything I hear and I am told. So it makes me question if this idea of enlightenment actually exist? How can we ever reach the end of infinite awareness? How can there be a spectrum from low consciousness to enlightenment? Are these not all concepts that we place labels and measurements on? Eckart Tolle, Sadguru, Mooji, Matt Khan. Many of these yogis and enlightened masters are seen as the people who have reached the final stage and transcended the ego. But have they really? What if there is more awareness for them to attain? How do we actually know what the final transcendence actually is? How could you ever be 100% sure?

I think learning the story of the Buddha and his journey is very valuable. I am not a Buddhist because I am not 100% on the dogmatic parts of the religion (reincarnation being a big one). Any religion assumes that it knows more than it actually knows in my eyes.

My father is/was such a toxic personality that I had no choice but to cut him out of my life. I'd rather not go into the details, but my growth as a person would have been incredibly limited if I didnt cut him off...

idk shit man past lives what happens after death anything man I heard sadguru discuss reincarnation once with someone in a video, but immediately stopped himself and said "but this isn't good to talk about because the mind makes up all kinds of stories" So I'm going to take his wisdom and not let my mind wander about this...

Yeah I actually see all this doubt and 'not knowing' as progress. Thanks!

I feel you on that man. I love basketball, and after mj retired everyone assumed that he hit the peak of greatness. Nobody could bring such a game changing element the way he did. But now you have Curry who has basically broken the game of basketball with his unstoppable shooting.

Yeah I agree with you. I see so many people posting on here claiming/asking if someone is enlightened. We have people on here claiming to have become enlightened (no disrespect to the dude who made that thread, it's just kind of funny how that worked out for you) and we have people who claim to know how difficult it is to reach this . I guess in the past few days after seeing this idea of truth treated as a novelty I started to wonder wtf were even talking about. It feels similar to religion. We have all gained this idea of what truth is, so now we are putting all these parameters on it and layering it with more ideas and more concepts until we're all in a giant circle jerk of dogma. One cartoon I really like to watch (even though I'm twenty three lol) is adventure time. I remember one episode that Finn comes across a being in space who can take him to the realm of the beginning and end. This being listed all the emotions Finn would be free of (happiness, lonliness, jealousy etc) finn replies with "you make that not sound so bad" and the being responds "it's not bad! It's simply a different state of being!". Ultimately Finn decides to stay in his 'meat reality, as he feels like he has more work that he wants to put into it. Point I am trying to make is that maybe placing a negative tone on our 'meat reality' isn't the best way to view it.

Are you referring to actual posters in this community or enlightened masters?

If this is true, then I would say that I am glad that hell has some positives. Even if they are egoistic. I love my cat man, he's like my son. And if that is simply my ego talking, than at least I can enjoy some positives while on my journey towards 'real' happiness.

when I hear someone say 'the real deal' in that manner, it makes me question the fact that I know anything about truth. Like talking about sadguru and all of these concepts...it's like wtf is any of this shit?!?! I have watch and enjoyed plenty of sadguru videos btw, so no disrespect towards him.

Just chill bro. It's all good.

I like to pray, even if there is nothing to hear it. It's like saying everything I want to say to a person if I could be 100% vulnerable around them and I knew they would have zero judgement.

Sometimes for split periods of time, I am able to shut off my mind to the point where I can observe everything around me in a non rational manner. Just having the small ability to connect to that and see it in that manner makes my "real world problems" not seem so crazy. It's like "oh yeah this is all a giant game!".