Ernest Werbel

Hi All, Been a follower since 2014 on Actualized YouTube channel. Leo's content has helped me overcome some addictive and self-destructive behaviors while going into the adult man version of myself. I have been losing sleep over and struggling with understanding the whole self-awareness of the Universe subject. My take-away so far is that at some 'moment' or 'point of time' the Universe became aware of itself, or rather the fact that is was aware of itself. And that nothing existed prior to this. I realize that time has only subjective meaning since the Universe existed before time but for the purpose of ''making it easy'', I am trying to use the best words I can to make sense. Perhaps 'one day' God/Universe recognized that It was in a dark and lonely place. It realized that there was no other conscious beings to relate with. No one to love or be loved by. No one to communicate with or gain insight from. And so it started fragmenting and creating separate, smaller instances of itself to deal with the loneliness. But being that these fragments were still being controlled by the Self, there was no element of randomness or surprise. Similar to a lonely child who recognizes her loneliness and decides to create dolls to play with in order to create a sense of 'others'. The dolls are individuals and can have created personalities within the mind of the child. But they are ultimately controlled by the child and thus have no free will. So in time, the illusion of others fades and the child realizes once again she is alone. And at the least, the child is bored. So then Godhead decided to allow these fragments to develop wills of their own. 'Egos' I suppose. This would allow for unpredictability and uncertainty. I do not claim to be any authority on this. I am also on the self-actualization journey. I am just compiling my current understanding of the subject based on what I have been studying, and dreams/thoughts I have had. I recognize this subject is something people study their entire lifetimes and may never understand. I graciously welcome any correction that comes my way from a place of genuine truth-seeking. I can for now, accept the explanation of the Godhead Universe being all-encompassing infinity with no thing or being outside of it. What I cannot get past wondering is, what started the whole process; moreover HOW did it start, and for what purpose? If Universal Consciousness is all-encompassing and infinite, with nothing or no being outside of itself, then what was the catalyst that started the cycle of self-awareness? I suppose a real world analogy could be a matchstick. A fire needs a spark to ignite. How can it be its own spark and ignite itself? I can accept that there was a moment of ignition, but what lead up to it? And is this why it is impossible to truly return to God? Because the Ego portion of Godhead would face self-antihalation and the ultimate destruction of everything good and positive it has ever conceived of? Is the eternal God Vs Devil a metaphor for the Ego clinging to its own existence?

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. This is a lot to take in. I guess, a different way to put it, would be what was the first iteration of the universe? If the reincarnation cycle is endless -- whether that applies to an individual or the universe, seems to make no difference from what I gather, because Godhead includes all of it. I can understand conceptually counting from zero to infinity. That we may be experiencing "Universe # 5,928,212" but at some point there had to have been a "Universe Zero" when it all began. How can it have no starting point? And what caused Godhead to attain or create its own consciousness? Or is it because with each 'end' all dualities collapse and so there is no distinction between end and beginning. I feel that that would still fail to describe what the cause of the then rebirth of dualities. My head is exploding!