Lincisman

Hi everyone, I rarely post, but I need perspective on something that's been weighing on me. I have a girlfriend whom I see once a week, sometimes only every other week. Beyond this relationship, I have very few social connections, which leaves me feeling lonely during the longer gaps between our meetings. I've learned some cold-approach (my only way to socialize) and that makes me even more frustrated then I go outside and see other girls. I feel angry about depending on just one person for most of my social interaction. I don't want to continue this way. This situation consumes my thoughts daily, leaving me distracted and irritable. In addition, I started a part time job working 3 days a week 8-5 and it feels like I have less time for this social activity thing. It's the second time I am in this situation. It makes me depressed and angry (but at the same time I know that is is not doing anything for me). What should I do in this situation?

If what is true is that which is, then no, it's not true that it shouldn't be this way. It feels bad.

Yes, I am already doing the physique building thing for like 2.5 years. Yes, I have met some of them, just by asking them to spot me. Yes, I think I bring minimal value to the other person or to the conversation. Martial arts gyms are too expensive right now for me. Thanks for the book recommendations.

You know, Byron Katie "The Work" thing. I had this in mind. Not sure how helpful it can be in this situation. Just to shift my mind in a more relaxed way.

Thank you for the reminder.

That it shouldn't be this way. That it will turn out badly for me, bc she will leave me and I will be left with nothing. Thoughts like that

Idk, probably my thoughts and perceptions about the situation. What else can it be?

What I would like to be able to do is to be positive, love and accept this situation and go take action socializing. But instead I get into a negative/depressive state of mind that renders me unable to take action and I just lay in bed. And on top of that I get angry at this state I am in and it's like double unhappy. I tried questioning my thoughts but I am still confused

She studies in other city and goes back on weekends. How does that happen? My only knowledge is about cold-approaching girls. The thing is I am very introverted and people generally dislike me or avoid meeting me (like I have noticed that in college and my job) not all of course

One way which worked surprisingly well for me is to inquire. Byron Katie has powerful method to do that. But you have to actually do it and experience it for yourself. I know how easy it is to listen to advice and don't apply it. Her website: https://thework.com/

Guys, I have upgraded my problems (if you look up my old posts you would know what I mean) Here are couple of points: First time we had sex I came in 2-3 minutes. It was nice Second time I did not ejaculate. Felt almost nothing. She felt too wet as if there was not enough friction. Third time same thing happened. She just finished me off by hand. In this state I can have sex for 60-90 minutes or more. Endless penetration. At first I thought it's because of the foreskin position. It isn't- I did some troubleshooting. I used the same candoms in all instances. If I masturbate, I come relatively fast. Now I starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable while having sex. Have you experienced this if so how did you fix the issue?

Hi, I met a really cute girl while cold-approaching. We made out two days in row but we didn't have sex (she had her period). It was one day ago. Yesterday I found myself thinking about her and getting pissed why doesn't she write me. Hence becoming needy and all messed up in my head. Maybe because it's my first time and it's feels like a drug to me. But I don't want to stop doing cold-approach. How to say to her that I want to meet other girls? + I feel like if she is my only option I will become needy and fuck things up fast. I can already see this happening At the same, I don't want to be dishonest with her. In addition, I have another girl writing to me. She wants to meet me today. As for her I just want to sleep with her, just to get it out of the way. Yes, I am a virgin and have no fucking clue how it all works

@Sempiternity thanks for the reply. Two more last questions: 1. Is it really the case that she does not care about me at all until after sex? Even if we made out and I touched her everywhere. 2. I am free to flirt/date with other girls but am I free to sleep with others? ( In case I want to be with the one I mentioned- sounds like stupid question) Ok, three questions: Is it true that texting is mainly for organizational/logistical purposes? Because as I saw with her, texting is fucking useless for almost everything else like flirting and getting to know each other.

Okay, thanks for reply Leo But if she sees me approaching other girls it's basically over, isn't it?

https://youtu.be/DGfrJu-Ck8o Do you have any experience with it? if so, how did it go?

Don't forget to take notes. Personally I use google docs. ----- I suggest: Contemplate what does it mean to be reality-oriented (You can ask: what is really true in this situation?). Notice that your emotions, thinking and beliefs distorts how you see this situation. Read: Six pillars of self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden. Here i add my notes on Leo's video titled: Motivational Speech - Oct 2021. It's for contemplation, basic points. I don't no how about you but this video is powerful (even if it seems funny). Makes me emotional and motivated. motivational speech.docx

(deep breath) I am unable to form any meaningful relationships (Like spending free time together) with people (friendships and others), therefore I have only so-called acquaintances. Possible reasons: 1. I had a couple of experiences where I was hurt and mistreated. Hence refuse to open up to anyone (avoid showing how I feel or think therefore people cannot relate. They feel that I am being fake maybe). I Don't express myself the way I should in order to make a connection. Put on some sort of mask, a fake front -> fundamentally I cannot trust another person to be myself in the interaction because I am afraid of being hurt and judged again. (trying to articulate what I am feeling. But there is definitely a disconnect.) 2. I had an inadequate elementary school teacher. 3 out of 4 students in our class ended up having low self-esteem (which became obvious after I read Nathaniel Branden's work). In the book, he explains the dynamic low self-esteem in relationships. I may have this going on in me. (Lately, I have improved my self-esteem and my relationships did not change) Should I start somehow digging up shit from my past and set it up on fire OR I just work on my self-esteem and social skills? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am not fully aware of it but by attitude towards other people is not good. Sometimes I feel like I am slowly becoming a villain. Seeing other people walking in the groups looking happy while I am alone. Firstly I get overwhelmed by these feelings of loneliness and cannot function, then the mind calms down I feel this energy which I can use to do something bad, hurt others. No one loves me anyways other than myself (but still not fully.) So after all of this I just go to the gym (yes, I exercise my legs too). This is my therapy whatever the meaning of this word is. Thank you if you bothered to read all the way to the end.

This is good advice but in your experience how should one go about doing it? On the one hand, I can question them verbally, and actively. Or I can just look and see. This would be the more passive approach. Wait, I can put myself in situations where these beliefs (and related thoughts and feelings) can come to the surface (But what do I do once it's there?). I experienced that too Interesting. I see but most of the time these unconscious/ habitual feelings and responses are way way more powerful (loneliness and surrounding negativity). They are unpleasant and carry me away like an ocean wave. Hence I run away. This results in destructive behaviors most of the time. It feels like if I will allow these sensations to run through me they will destroy me. YES So a big part of it is my relationship with myself, right? Therapy is interesting. I prefer doing it on my own. Once I went to a psychologist but it was meh. It appears to me that you must do like 10s of visits to make it work. Does therapy mostly involve just talking and asking questions? How does therapy work in your experience? And what is the purpose of it?

@integral Very practical. thank you. So what I do is remember what happened, write it down and try to bring more awareness and understanding to the situation. Is that how it works? And should I do it daily like a habit or just once? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The biggest problem is that my mind spins negative thoughts about the whole situation. Imagine I meet potential girlfriend and she finds out I don't have friends. What does that say about me? shit like that

Hello, guys. I am trying to make conscious decision here. Do you have some experience and maybe can give recommendations on this? What is most important thing to consider and look at? I walk a lot. Bought barefoot shoes for summer and realized that this is what I need to feel comfortable. But winter is coming.

Awareness Alone Is Curative - How To Auto-Correct Unwanted Behaviors 29:30 idea Possible points that can be covered: + Importance of change + What is change? + emotions vs logical mind + Repetition of thoughts + going from an idea of changing to the realization of it. + Contemplation vs thinking + Role of the rational mind in the process of change + How to sustain awareness + Backsliding + Taking action and hoping that problems will autocorrect vs doing more passive approach (therapy, contemplation) + What determines default actions of the mind?(automatic behavior) + Conscious approach(will power/awareness) vs subconscious approach (where you visualize, do affirmations) for change? + Misconceptions about how to change + Role of goal setting for change + What is actually happening when person tries to change?

Hello. Quick question: The main message of the episode is that if one wants to change (auto-correct unwanted behaviors) the system that is the mind one should not engage into active action that is "forceful neurotic action" as Leo said. Listen to this part, it is very eye opening 29:30- 38:00. "system is really helpless to change itself without awareness" Fuck, this is what I have been struggling with for years. Falling into same behavioral pattern over and over again. I thought that change is impossible. It may be that this is not all that there is but still. This is the exact problem I have been facing for 10 years or so. ------ Does the same principle apply for constructing wanted behaviors? If yes, then how should one go about it? Like, can I increase motivation through awareness or something?

Good point

One day I noticed that I feel most comfortable when I am barefoot with no socks or shoes. It led me to searching for shoes that would give me that kind of experience. So I found my answer: minimalist/barefoot type shoes.

@eos_nyxia Thanks for extensive reply!