Mark-

Hi, this is my first post on this forum and I'm hoping that perhaps someone can give me some insight or potential course of action in addressing my severe social issues. This is going to be a long post but I'm hoping that someone will have the time to understand my perspective and help me out, if not, that's understandable. I'm 24 and I've had what can only be described as selective mutism and extreme social anxiety since I was a very young child. I can function reasonably well in a text based medium with someone, in a back-and-forth conversation when I'm given time to read something and formulate a response. But group conversations are extremely difficult and I can hardly perform at all, especially if I'm not highly familiar with the people in the group. I can develop the ability to communicate with an individual after months of exposure but then if I'm entered into a group with anyone unfamiliar I have a strong mental block and I'm unable to express my thoughts or interject at all. This happened to me numerous times during my youth, I became comfortable with someone but then when brought into unfamiliar social territory I simply couldn't progress at all even if I was supported and made to feel unjudged. I've since lost connection with all of the people who I was comfortable around. At this point in my life I have isolated myself almost entirely and I feel like if I continue down this path I may develop depression and dig myself into a hole, potentially abandoning or sabotaging my journey of self-actualization. For the past few years I have been lazer focused on personal-development, skills that interest me, self-inquiry, etc. This has been going fairly well but I've largely neglected my social development and I wonder how long I can continue focusing on bettering myself in isolation. I work online and I live in a campervan, I have been travelling, hiking, and connecting with nature across the country which has been very self-satisfying. However, lately I have been beginning to feel like things are requiring more effort with less reward. I think that my lack of social connection is eating away at my motivation and drive to become someone I can be proud of. I want to start trying to find groups of people with whom I share interests and experiences with, but I'm really not sure where to begin. I've spent such a huge amount of time isolated in nature that when I even go out to get groceries or do chores, the chaos of being around people is more overwhelming than it has ever been. I shut down and become almost robotic, the idea of trying to connect with people seems unattainable. The state of mind I find myself in while isolation out in the national forests is completely gone around people and the idea of trying to enter into a group situation with others almost makes me sick to my stomach with fear, uncertainty, etc. Over the past year I have experimented with LSD a couple of times, one time with great benefits and another time I was overwhelmed with fear because of the strength of the experience. Both times I was isolated but I felt that my fear and the mental blocks associated with selective mutism and social anxiety were drifting away. I'm now considering a micro-dosing regimen which I could slowly start finding social situations to put myself into during that mindset and see if I can make some progress in that way. Most advice that I have been given is that I shouldn't try to use mind-altering substances to overcome my social issues, but I really don't know what to do at this point because I feel wholly incapable of being myself or finding a comfortable mind state around people I'm unfamiliar with. I know that fighting this problem is going to have to come from within, and I'm not really sure if I should continue down a path focused on self-inquiry, pushing through the loneliness and dread or put my effort toward reaching out and seeking help or connection with others. Any advice in regards to this is greatly appreciated.

@Matt23 I can certainly relate to the pressure in my chest, I also experience most of the physical symptoms consistent with the fight or flight response. Shakiness, heavy chest, blushing, racing heart, sweaty palms, inability to maintain normal eye contact, etc. Objectively it's kind of easy for me to understand why I can't get into a normal state of mind in a situation where I feel primally threatened, but I have been in many situations where the physical symptoms are at a baseline (school and workplaces) and I still felt blocked off from others and not in a position to try and initiate social interaction. I have always been delighted when people try talking to me, I have no problem being nice to people but conversation always falls flat on my end and it's so rare for anyone to have the interest or time to persevere through such tedious interactions with me. I probably seem highly uncomfortable so that in itself pushes people away and prevents me from being able to practice and improve my confidence. While I have been living in isolation, I feel like I am keeping myself together fairly well while progressing in my skills and working toward a meaningful future. Most of the time I feel content and reasonably driven. But it's when I go into public that I feel like everything is an incredible effort and that I'm absolutely inferior to others and their ability to mix with the world in a real way. I have been meditating lately and during my sessions I am developing a peace with myself, that no matter what I do or how badly I feel in a social interaction, I have the ability to draw from my inner peace and everything will be okay in the grand scheme of things. I can't say it has necessarily made any difference when I'm actually trying to communicate with people but in a meditative state I am learning how to let go of past embarrassments and simply be with myself as I am in the present. I will have to start contemplating these prudent questions regarding my social issues more and try to work toward building connections with the right people, but it is hard to develop a positive outlook after so much time being isolated from others.