Strangeloop

@Gesundheit Then why even bother? What, will I stay alone forever then? No one to talk to, just myself. No one to touch, no one to be with besides myself... Seems lonely. And then again lonelyness is not a bad thing if I feel good being alone.

@Gesundheit Just a someone to spend time with. So I wouldn't spend my time being alone and miserable watching netflix all the time. Atleast if I watch netlfix anyway it'll be with someone.

@PurpleTree Though I can let him seek for that, maybe he will like it maybe not, but I don't want it. Sure it's selfish. Rationalizing about it won't help. I mean don't I have to have some following to be financially independant? The way I do business -does mean that. So whenever I try to stop myself from getting what the ego wants, that's then I shoot myself in the foot. Too much writing for me today...

@intotheblack If I attracted the one who cared for me, I basically would be attracting my mother. And when she cares too much, I get distant from her. To some extent. Though recently we open up to each other more. Yes I don't want the burden of a relationship. Because the last time I cared for someone sincerily, I got rejected and we split ways. It wasn't meant to be. Buuut, if someone does show up and shows me affection and compassion, I wouldn't mind it. Though it does scare me a little bit, just being in the moment with a person. Can you elaborate on being emotionally available? Does it mean to show my emotions to a person, whatever that may be?

@Leo Gura Just take the leap, right? Well, I don't feel like it. Will suffer because of this. I will go and get direct experience of a girlfriend. :)]]]]]

Trying to do something on social media, let's say I want to be famous. Over the year my facebook group reached 300 members. Also doing stuff on my page and instagram, youtube. It's just a matter of following through it and keep posting so I could get some leads towards courses I'll be releasing, working on building a reputation for further business opportunities. It gets me going for awhile, but then I fall back again. It's just a matter of getting back up and going forward. Posting more, not to spam with low quality, but just to post something for a start. maybe I'll build a following over the years like Leo did and will be financially independant making my passions the source of money I so crave.

@Eph75 My brother told me that I'm falling behind. My mother told me I act inadequate. I feel like I need to catch up to my peers, maybe even overtake them. In money, sex partners, car value all of this material stuff. I see that it's the orange (Spiral dynamics) in me. It's probably something I will need to intergrate. I feel inadequate whenever I fail at something, failing meaning making a mistake, e.g. almost hitting a car while driving, not being smooth with girls, not getting the attention from women, less likes on facebook when others. Thoughts on my sexuality. Earning less than others, doing less, fat on my body, rejections from other people. My own neediness. What is rational or irrational I do not know.

@Ethos @Eph75 There is a reason for a reason. And that reason has it's own reason. There are times when we want to feel like accomplishing something. That's why wasting time(or a paradigm of it) is such a crucial factor. Feeling like I need to rush things even when it's not neccessary. This feeling of inadequecy. Like something is going to happen if I don't rush, like I'll waste time because there's no time. It's a mindfuck really.

@Marinador Okay, Thank you.

How do I know what is valuable to me? Just saying, if I'm going to do something for a long period of time then it might aswell not be a waste of time. Or I'm just going end up nowhere. How do I distinguish what the ego wants and what the authentic self wants? Aren't they the same? Still this duality just makes my mind go crazy. All of these polar opossites in language...

@PurpleTree Something else

I have this problem too, I commit to doing something, for example, exercising and then I fall back and waste money for not attending the gym. What I learned in the last 22 years I've been living is that habits really difficult to change. Some major shift has to happen for the habit to change. Either a health issue or something else. For example my video game habit. As soon as I've got a Pc I played non-stop. I skipped school, did not do any homework, made excuses to go out and just to play video games. Then there was a time when I felt that video games don't give me the joy anymore. It seems like a waste of time. Putting in the hours to achieve something in the digital world that doesn't even bring me actual income to myself. I'm not saying I don't play at all. I turn on a game or two here and there but the time span of playing is much less than before. 10x actually. It just frustrates me because I waste my time so much on those games. Now the problem didn't solve itself. I found other ways to waste my time. Like tv shows and movies. I binge watch this stuff, also youtube. And all of this time I could put into research, business, practice, exercise, relationships. And that's what bothers me. How can I not waste time? What does it mean to really put into the time and make something happen with my life. Even if it means something material, earning money and having a home, holding myself up as a human being. In the big picture though. We are consistent everyday, but with the wrong things.

Well, it would be a waste to completely ditch your skills at VFX. I agree with Joseph. There is no reason to ditch one thing for the other. If you really want to go 100% psychonaut then I suggest transinioning to it gradually. This is a great advice. Doing something you don't like can be a burden, but from my experience I can say that this spark if passion comes back and when it does, there's room for more creation.

I've been single my whole life and yes, getting into relationship seems like a chore to me. It's like I would need to help her out with stuff. I would need to listen to her, obligate myself to her. And it doesn't sound interesting, because it's something I have to do, just to try it. Just to have sex and maybe some of this "looking into each other's soul" kinda thing. It would be nice though. It would be nice to have someone to open up to deeply. Tell them my secrets and have conversations about life. It's just wishful thinking though. As you said for now I'll focus on myself, loving myself, practicing my arts, doing some bussiness on fb and youtube, instagram. Reading, exercise etc.

@Byun Sean Yeah I guess so

Like what is a paradox? My mind says it's "that". What is that? The way I understand it that it's a contradiction. by saying it's that I mean that it's not that. I just sound like a hypocrite. I keep finding these contradictions. Are contradictions really a paradox? I'm trying to logiccally wrap around this phenomena. It's a set of belief. I do know something about it. Or am I just trying to convince myself that I know it? Either way after watching Leo's video on the topic after a long time... It seems I got nothing from the video. maybe just some beliefs and unconscious interpretations of those beliefs.

Well okay. Then the idea is to date one person, then another, then another, then another. Hell, might as well have some fun while I search. Even if these dates I will go to don't work out I can always go to the next person and to the next. Though it might be a trap to search for the right person forever. And yes I just remembered@Thestarguitarist14 I do believe that I need to get a girlfriend. It's like everyone expects me to get one.

@Thestarguitarist14 You mean like having multiple girlfriends at the same time? It would break their hearts if they found out.

I may be projecting here, but all I see is "do this - do that". I guess that's what you asked for... My advice would be taking small steps. Like I don't know. Asking yourself on paper, what you want in life. It can be on computer. If you can't find the answer on what you want. Google it. Google is great for finding answers, pick something that draws your attention. Maybe you read something online and you feel this nervousness inside you. Pick that. This nervousness might lead to something good.

I don't know if I'm here to complain or just to share a story. I work as taxi driver and this drunk client got mad when I gave him change. I guess it was too much sum of money for him. He pointed a finger at me and putted it on my scalp. I was angry and scared at the same time. I just wished I could've somehow punched him to death. But instead what I did is I stayed as calm as possible and politely asked him to step out the car. I was a bit nervous after the inccident but know I'm calm and glad that it didn't go too far.

I'm from Lithuania, basically Russia since my country was occupied by soviet union

Thank you for the answers! As I was reading I noticed that sexuality somehow interconnects with the relationships to my parents. As I do have overindulgent mother and sometimes abusive and unsuportive father. Which explains why I have these Identity as being gay. Also I noticed that culture in general is very different from my parents so I can't blame them for being so against gay community. The word gay in my country is an insult so it is much harder to show your gayness per say yo people because they will call you out and treat you differently.

@Keyhole I'm afraid to be gay, because of my Dad. I don't know what he will think of me. Probably neglect me for the rest of my life. Or not I don't know. And the thought of sucking a penis and letting someone get inside of me scares me as well.

I want to fuck this girl so bad, I somehow managed to build up confidence to ask her out. And I did. First I was blunt with my texts just going in there and trying to convince her that I'm a worthy catch. but all she did is reacted as I'm a deluded crazy person. She said no. I did not take it so I tried to talk her into it. She was stubborn and said no again. I was lost at that moment and was not really conscious of what I was writing. I tried everything. Don't know the last two messages I've sent were just ignored. I don't know. What do you think?

I see my neediness play me. Thanks.