Strangeloop

Start somewhere. Pick someone you admire and look up to and make a role model out of that person. Best case scenario is to pick their brains and get to know what they do on day to day basis. What habits do they have? Where they get their information from? How they think? And so on. After you picked your role model. Do similar things that he does and add your own spin to it. And if you feel unathentic because you're just repeating someone else's success model, don't worry about it. Once you start role modeling, in the proccess of it, you will find what's authentic to you.

Well in my opinion. Whatever you create is whatever you want. The market side can be a influencial on your music because you might want to create music what the market wants instead of what you want.

Thank you all for your understanding and empathy. I believe I can do it. I'm merting the same girl tomorrow at my house hopefully, that's the plan atleast. So I will try to have sex again and will take your words in account.

@bejapuskas Yes, and and the first time ever did it sober, before it was just one girl and I was drunk to a point where I blacked out and woke up on the oral sex part.

So I'm with this girl. She's nice. I escalate with her. We make out, I take my top off, I take her top off, we are both half naked, we grind on each other while making out. But I noticed my dick was not as hard as I want it to be. That's one thing. Another thing is after she told me that she doesn't want to get used and "burned" like she did from a previous relationship we stopped kissing, grinding etc. After we finished the movie and she went home. Now I just feel pain in my groin area just below the belly button. And my stomach doesn't work right. My mouth feels like vomiting... So I don't know... Maybe I'm just gay or there's more to it than that. It's like I'm still a virgin and I lied about my virginity. She already had sex with someone else. It just doesn't feel sexy at all with her, maybe for a short time, but after awhile it gets boring. I read somewhere that if my dick isn't working properly (not being hard enough) that means I have some psychological issues. That it's mental problems I have that are stopping me from having a strong erection. Also, after she told me she doesn't want to get burned. I saw these images in my mind's eye about Lgbtq posts I saw on facebook of a male couple getting married. I asked God on why he is showing me these pictures, He didn't reply. I just feel shaky and a bit hopeless at the moment. Can anyone explain on why this is happening to me?

@Aaron p I actually already have bought it, just not yet have used it. I'll start using it @Leo Gura I watched porn for too long already, it was a substitute for the real thing, I had enough of porn, it's time to go in there and get my dick wet. @Origins Thanks, but the photo disturbs me a little... Probably because of the fear I feel of the gay sexuality in me. I was paranoid one time thinking someone came behind my back and fucked my ass. Weird stuff I know. If this something I have to conquer, so be it. But I still really prefer to stick to straight sex (if I can make it work) haha ?

@flowboy Thank you for sharing, I will try those tricks out@Michael569 This puts things to perspective @mmKay All I can reply is mmKay ?

@Nahm I don't know how not to judge, is it just the abscence of thought? @bejapuskas Will do.

@Leo Gura I once got a huge boner from this add on pornhub. It was a blue trans type alien screwing a woman... I came pretty quick that time. @Joel3102 Back in my teenage years I have. @Nahm What am I missing?

@Hello from Russia Thank you man, I'll try it.

@Leo Gura It's just too much to take in... One moment I think I'm straight, another gay... I'm still hoping for a miracle, but I hardly found anything similar to that... My life would change drastically if I accepted the fact that I'm gay. Which I can't do, not yet, maybe even never. I hate myself for it, I just want go somewhere where I could sleep forever... maybe in my death bed. I'm probably just playing the victim here, but I don't what else to do when atleast try to have sex one more time with a girl. otherwise I'll lose hope completely...

@Leo Gura Because I believe I'm Straight and I want to be straight. I will fuck a lot of women. Sexuality is dynamic, right? So I can be partially straight partially gay. If that's true that means I'll be a great lover to many women.

@Roy I fingered her, tried oral, but her crotch hair was getting in my mouth and was dissapealing. And if you mean foreplay by playing around intimitaly then yes it was that. we played around for quite some time until we actually came to the sex part. There were breaks and so forth before actual sex. But I was tired already putting the effort in, she did put effort in too. I just had to wait until she was comfortable because as soon as I started getting her panties off she stopped me So I didn't continue. So I tried again later until she was comfortable to have sex but you already know how it turned out.

@Roy I didn't hear the thoughts per say, they were under the radar. But I think the story went like How do I do this, Ahhh I can't do this. This is gonna be like the last time, she's going to leave hanging. I just felt sexually frustrated.

And here's another thing people I have this plan made up so to speak. Where I go to Sweden to work as a scafolder, then I date this girl Mashal I like, we be together have a great time with a few years and then I dump her because I tell her I'm gay. And because I'm gay I can't be with her anymore. After it I go on drug abuse stage and live my life fucking assholes and sucking dick... This kind of life I imagine. And then rehab came out of nowhere there I had therapy and I did talk about being gay. Even after a year and a half I still resent this part of me. Even If I created a plan, I'm not actualizing it. Maybe because I'm afraid of this(being gay) or it's just that God something else planned for me. I don't know. Maybe being in Christian environment influenced me to avoid these sexual urges and made me run away from being gay. People who I talked about this plan of mine said that it would only create misery and depression. So they suggested to create a new one, a more positive one. And my definition of a positive plan is being a beatboxer and fucking a lot of girls(this affirmation came from a lot of suffering and tears during rehab), after it settling down creating a family and to live in Canada somewhere. In conclusion I'll just do my own thing, trying to figure out what Strangeloop wants and needs and giving it to him.

@Bando I could Die I don't want to think about it, as soon as I do, I try to escape, distract myself, just to do something to get my mind off the topic. I might need to conquer this 'dragon' some day, I just need to prepare for the inevitable

@SamC 10 meaning very anxious, fearful. @Leo Gura Well, I usually watch straight porn, but I see myself looking more at the guy more than the girl... And that means *drumroll* I'm gay.....

@Osaid Well I ate quite a bit today but it was like 1.5 hours before the grinding bit.

@Osaid Well it happend to me in teenage years also, I had to check it out by doctors back then. It's somehow connected with my ballsack, maybe it twisted again while I was grinding so if the pain continues I will call a doctor.

@SamC Probably getting fucked in the asshole and having the obligation to suck a dick. Atleast that's how I imagine it, I never done it though.

Yeah... I have these scenarios playing in my mind too. Some scenarios are really messed up, some are grandiose and spectacular. Some are just plain unrealistic. These scenarios tend to get in my head. I feel like they have to happen, like the thoughts I think should manifest all the time, but most of the inner 'conversations' I had were just on conceptual level and most of it is just monket mind telling me all sorts of negative, ego pleasing stuff. If they do come back I just try to ignore them, and if I find my mind to go at it again (having these conversations) I feel distracted from being, from the present moment. So what I do is I try to breath consciously, but I forget about it in a split second, the mind is very committed to thinking, so it will do anything to distract you from the real world. And the real world is not in your mind, it's not the words themselves, it goes deeper than that. Sure meditate... Meditation might help, but what kind of meditation are we talking about? Conscious or unconscious? So you see there's that. And I think that's enough.

I don't know. I just want to sleep a lot. I can't even read no more. It's too hard. I feel tired all the time. And I don't find anything valuable to do. I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep...

It's nice to see you guys posting your channels. Mostly you talk about spirituality and life. And I agree with @Thought Art It is a learning process, It's nice to experiment and see what works.

@Michael569 I like to talk even if it's just nonsense, I can ramble for hours. That's why I started my Youtube channel to get myself talking more, but then I see that I can't stop. I just talk a lot. And I love doing it. I also Beatbox while in the car. Talking is also what I do with clients. It's a form of self-expression for me. I like to film to edit. But the spark as you said is not entirely there. Sure I get up a bit early lately and enjoy shooting the videos, but still I feel like there should be more, better stuff to do. Or I'm just not happy with how I'm living right now.

@mmKay Lol I do beatbox too. I think it's a nice challenge you should keep going with it and finish it.