Strangeloop

So I was journaling the other day, and it was very weird, because it seemed like I was detaching myself from myself. I was so detached that words just flew on paper. And the words that came were disturbing, I was contemplating about sucking a guy's dick and getting fucked by one and the more I entertained these thoughts the more aroused I got. After I finished writing I just masturbated furiously with what I believe the strong boner was from those thoughts. But still even if I emtertain these thoughts, I still reject myself as being a gay person, it's very hard to accept the fact that I'm gay... As I'm still a virgin first I want to try having sex with a women, afterwards will see if it is for me or not, if I get aroused by them, as far as I know I don't consider myself neither gay nor straight I might as well just be bisexual. And this thought creates tension in my stomach area and the lower back. I always try to convince myself that I'm gay, maybe I'm trying to convince myself to be gay because I don't want to have sex with girls. That happens because I had suffered this hard rejection with a girl, making me hate them, I get angry at women for tiniest problems just because I want to show that I'm the dominant type, that they are not going to boss me around. So I stand my ground and just defend my ego even if I need to. So whenever I don't stand my ground I don't stand up for my masculine side and give in my feminine side. Which also beings me a thought that being gay in God's plan is to show me my feminine side, the one that loves, the one that is compassionate, caring and all around selfless person. It's hard to be this way, it's way easier to be egotistical and complaisant about others. So this sexuality crisis is really on my mind for my life, I get reminded of it daily, every movement I make even if it's a little gay, I notice it and judge myself for it.

I've used to do IF, at that point in my life I had a very strict routine, I meditated, read a book, exercised and did some beatboxing all of it before I ate my first meal, it was all in the morning as I worked in the late shift. I don't know about eating healthy straight away. Sure it would be beneficial to do that, but it might be hard on you right from the start. I'm suggesting this from my experience, I ate all kind of foods, my main meals cointained lots of Protein and carbohydrates. The main meals were at the start of the eating time and at the end of it With some snacks in between. I ate all kinds off foods even chocholate, some other sweets not too much though. For snacks I sticked with nuts and dried fruits. So if you want you can do something similar. Thanks for this thread, I think I should get back on IF once again, because I have built some fat on me from the last time and IF is a great way to lose that fat combined with exercise in my opinion.

Yes it's something like that, it happens very rapidly, depending on the aha moment the severity of these rewiring feelings are greater or lesser. Yes it has both - positive and negative consequences. Positive would be seeing more in people, thinking out of the box. Negative would be unstable moods and unclear thoughts, hallucinations(could be a postive) illiusions, anger issues, apathy, deppression.

So in 2018 I took a lot of drugs like weed, ecstasy, mdma and LSD. I had some profound experiences but I haven't put them in thought though I haven't thought of what they mean to my life or anything, I just experienced them and that's it. So in the year 2019 after the drug usage I was put into hospital where I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia, I've been putted on medication since. I'm in rehab right now as my parents found out that I used drugs, they influenced me to go to rehab, I obeyed. After hospital I had this one mystical experience I remember it vividly. I was laying in my bed sleeping and suddenly I woke up to this blissful feeling in my brain, it was very instense but very pleasurable. It was like my brain neurons were connecting at a rapid pace with each other, it was like rewiring my Brain with new knowledge without thinking about the knowledge. Ever since that experience I had milder, similar experiences to that, almost everytime I contemplate, it seems like it calls up this rewiring feeling. As the time went on it wasn't so pleasurable, sometimes it was painful, I feel my head tensing up, I don't know if I can call it transcendence but it feels like it is that. Have you ever had this tensing, rewiring of the brain occasionally?

@Aaron p Lol

@tsuki Thank you for your perspective

I'm dealing with strong negative feelings, and they mostly come from the workers of rehab. As I'm on a duty to be their "leutenant" this week they put me on responsibility to do certain things like making sure that people do their job and the rules that are in rehab are taken seriously. The moment I do something "wrong" like I don't organize what they told me to do they put me as a scape goat like I'm guilty for everything even for those things that people do on their own will. It fucking irritates me. I hate being a doormat. I can't stand up for myself. I just listen and hold myself in with my negative thoughts. It's almost like every "mistake" which isn't really a mistake. I believe that every "mistake is not a mistake" because those happen for a reason. So how do I deal with being a doormat? How do I stand my ground against workers of rehab? I afraid if I do stand my ground they will just punish me for not obeying. I hate this. Why do I have to obey anyone? Why can't I just be myself without obeying anyone? Sure it feels nice when other people obey me but that's not the point. This social structure of leader and follower irritates me. It's like we're animals with alphas and betas in our social structure. what do you think about this?

@tsuki i'm a patient. I don't see ant difference in life between things and terms, all of it ate just words and none of it means anything. It's all the same to me, the same life the same people, abusing, healthy abusing, ungealthy abusing. I see them using people for their organization needs and they cover it as helping people trying to "cure" their addiction to drugs and alchohol, which is possible in a short term but not in the long term

Have you been the victim of bullies in your past? If so it might be connected to that.

There's was a similar post of this. I'm still having this problem: I ask a lot of questions and I believe it irritates people, all I've seen from how others are communicating, they don't ask questions, they speak their mind on any topic really. I'm having trouble with this, I again started to do facebook Lives where I can speak my mind and train, but with people I'm all about questions and asking them about their life without giving an opinion to them, my point of view.

Yesterday I did it again, I again "injected" the finger in my asshole... sure I've got quick pleasure out of it, but the drawbacks of it are just yuck.. The whole day today I was angry, I was reading about being gay and been noticing a lot of men around me. And the FUCKING ATTRACTION IS THERE it freaking frustrates me... I looked at girls and see them as ugly, but when I look at guys I see them as beautiful... I don't want to accept it, I will all I can to prevent myself from being gay, I don't care how much suffering it will take to get away from being gay. I'm hopeless my programs don't work, I've seen enough... I just want to die at this moment and just revive myself to becoming something more than this fucking shitty disgusting ass life. I hate God, I hate you God for making me Gay!

@Serotoninluv Thank you

@Nahm I had met a couple of influencers like Leo and Tim Han from which I got this notion of influencing, and I just like seeing my words and actions as they manifest in other people. @Amandine They tell me about the questions, the gave me their opinion about questioning

@Nahm Influencing, beatboxing and sleeping

So I started a facebook group around beatboxing, do you have any suggestions about the rules of the group? I had some ideas as: No trolling, flaming, bullying.

It's hard to accept reality as it is.... What I see is you being afraid of losing your mother, well you will someday, it's inevitable it will happen at one point or another. Dettach yourself from your family. Take care if your own life, there's nothing you can do and the time is running out. Look at the mother's point of view, maybe she likes being with your brother, maybe it's interesting for her. I bet it's way better for her to be with your brother than your father.

I've been watching some videos about gay people, some of them were disturbing like this one story on Snapchat where a 23 year old guy is dating a 52 year old man. I found it weird when they kissed in front of the camera also the younger guy was putting make up on. Like why is he acting like a girl? What's the point of all this? As I watched the story I managed to stay present with no thoughts whatsoever. It's good that I can reflect back on it now. I also been noticing the act of gayness between men. For example: some men hug, touch each other, they tap each other on the shoulder. That seems gay to me. Sure I grew up in a homophobic environment where gay men are discriminated because of their sexuality. What do I think of gay men? I find them disgusting, I crave for women attention only, to really be certain I have to convince myself that there is no other way. So be it. Now when I think about gay people as I mentioned I find it disturbing because as soon as I hug a man I feel strangely satisfied, maybe it's my gayness that is in the play. I guess you could call the feminine side of men -gay. And the masculine side can be called - straight (heterosexual). I can't believe I actually tried to put a finger in my butt while masturbating. To be honest with you it was the best erection I ever had, my dick was strong and big as hell, I enjoyed very much and I also imagined that I'm doing it with Leo at the same time. Weird isn't it? I also had some dreams about being gay, kissing men, choosing a partner neat a store. I believe that being gay is an ideology which means I can convert straight men into being more gay like. Now how can I create an Ideology around being gay? Why would I even want to create an ideology around being gay? Maybe it's my purpose in my life, to fight with homophobia, to transcend the gayness within me first I have to be gay and then realize I'm the exact opposite. But it doesn't make sense why did I even put a finger in my butt? It was an experiment. To see if you would like it. And yeah I liked it I guess but still I stopped doing that, because of my religious beliefs, see I'm a hardcore christian and being gay is a sin, although we are all sinful, but that doesn't mean I have to sin. I can't seem to effectively accept being gay. In my thoughts I demonize myself for it. I call myself insulting names I get angry at myself... where is thay anger coming from? From within of course. What is there deeper behind that anger? My dad. I blame my dad for it. I blame my cousin, my grandma for it. I blame all the things that influenced me to being gay. I asked myself Are you gay? And I answered: I hate this... why do I hate being gay? A strong push forward I guess. I bet my life is about my sexuality. That's when I get strongest feelings of hate, misery, hopelesness, I also feel powerless to change anything about my sexuality, it seems like I chose to be gay. How can I choose to be gay. I didn't choose to hear the thoughts about being gay, they just come to me. I don't know all of this is very confusing and I feel like contemplating this didn't help at all...

So yesterday I was investigating this phenomena of what I call "spiritual death". I had some progress with it but there's still a lot to discover. What I am reffering to is killing your ego in the thought proccess this includes changing your beliefs and accepting the change of Reality. What I discovered is that I was "dying" a lot and "killing" myself with all these thoughts and ideas but when I started to think differently I started to survive the thoughts and it felt great it felt like I was achieving something. Do you know what I am talking about? If not I will try to articulate it more accurately.

@Leo Gura I will watch it later

So I'm in rehab right now and I have this responsibility once every 4 weeks. To be a householder which means I have to lead the community. The problem I get is that people are confusing their position. I'm supposed to be the leader not them. They start to lead me and then I get influenced by them when I should've been in a leader position. I get angry when people don't listen to me. I'm not listening to them either though. What you give is what you get I guess. I get angry when I have to show my position instead I would like to be the follower, but that's not the option at the moment, I also have to learn to be a leader. And How can I be the leader? What does it take to be a leader? What do I need to do to be an effieciant leader?

It was all feeling really or a state change. As I was present when I died I had this "click" which irritates me a little it happens in the brain. In the third eye area. Killing myself was like contradicting myself. Surviving the thoughts and achievement was like being present with the absence of those "clicks" they happen constantly to me. Sometimes with a dozen of them in a row. It happens very quickly and my perception changes as well.

So I'm in rehab and I've lost all my life in England because of psychedelics, I was so into them that I forgot on how important it is to have a consistent job ethic and morals or something. So today I came home as an excursion. My parents are celebrating my Dad's birthday... and I spoke to my Godfather and my brother's Godfather. So they give me a moral conversation about the importance of having a job and being independant. I don't care about that all I want is to come back to my old life where I was speaking to myself and doing crazy shit at my house... this sucks... my life is a ruin... I've been programmed to not give a fuck by Leo's video but in reality I do give a fuck, at least partially. I'm almost bursting into tears... They asked me if I wanted to be a hobo, I didn't know what to say. Just trying to be conscious of the situation making statements on what happened I don't know how I should go doing about this my whole life is a mess... it's not like I'm the only one here, there are people around me and they live together with me in this world. I'm actually glad I could write this out... How should I go about choosing a job? Not talking on a big Life purpose job or anything, just a job that I could be on my own feet not asking parents for money. I'm such a lazy person I would rather dive in again into my subconscious and create all of these sorts of systems in my mind that seem interesting but don't seem to be practical in real world. I can't use The Brain to actually do something with it. If I said Strangeloop - go find a job. I'll say will do sir, I will certainly find a job for you. And here you go just some random thoughts going round in circles to get to this point where I can believe in myself that I will find a job. well done.

I think I gear Leo's thoughts in my mind. It's like I'm having a conversation with him. It's very weird.. I'm making an assumption that there's a hierarchy in the thought realm like someone is on the top of the hierarchy and everyone below them listens and thinks like the leader of the pyramid. Although it could be just me talking to my future or older self however you want to call it. I had this thought that maybe my future self is talking to me from the future to the past self and I'm talking to him from now. Also I hear women's voice all the time "which definitely isn't Leo". She talks a lot but I can't seem to catch on what she is saying. When I try to speak in my mind the thoughts are still in the women's voice as my thoughts. It's very weird it's like I'm a women in a man's body. From which stems up the thought of being transexual. Which I don't even know why it came up. If I tries to guess I would say that being transexual is the same as saying "I'm God" because in my philosophy every aspect of reality is God and that includes being Transexual and Gay and terrorists, murderers, homophobes, ISIS, America, Trump, A vagina, a cup, a table (Jim Carey said that) Why did I even get a life with this exact philosophy, I don't want it, I want to be a regular guy who has a family and friends and is not doing this crazy shit of speaking to himself and thinking he's God or The Universe. Like How can I even be the Universe? Sure Leo explained it in his "What is Consciousness?" Video. He said that below atoms there is consciousness and everything is made not out of atoms or energy, but consciousness. It's like I have to agree with him because I can't seem to find a better answer. Uhhhh..... I take all of his words on faith... it's frustrating.

@SgtPepper @MAYA EL Thank you

@SgtPepper But I like to have conversations. Silence is not my enemy though. @MAYA EL Yeah I had went to the doctors for this it's probably it and I don't know how to deal with it.