Strangeloop

It could be, like I'm a man but I sometimes act like a woman, that's why I call myself a woman.

Again, a gay act... I'm dissapointed, I thought I was not gay, and then I deep throat a banana, gaged, is that how girls suck dicks? I don't see any pleasure in that. Sure I might deny that. Sure. But what the hell, right? It's pointless to fight. So let's just give in and let's be gay. Ofcourse first things first - being straight, going out with girls, bringing them into my room, having sex with them, feeling pleasure, giving her pleasure, does that sound nice? I bet it does. After the whole straight bit, then I will be gay, noe I'm just acting gay, but I'm not gay. Sure I'm denying the fact that deep throating a ? is a bit gay. Let's face it head on. Bring it God, Devil or whatever you are. I will give in to you all in, I will give in to you so much that I will lose myself completely, I'll be gone in the nothingness. Everything you do to me, I will take, I might bitch and moan while you do it to me, but I will take it. Period.

Maybe you haven't tried enough. Or it's not for you. Of course it sounds stupid but I mean that maybe something needs to happen for you to get a job in the right place.

So I started a facebook group, it's called Beatbox Academy, the name says it all, it's for learning beatbox. As I just started I imagined as I become better and better after a few years at beatbox and speaking in general, I might consult people with their problems around beatbox, but like it makes me confused, am I going for a music career or a consultant/Life coach career? Ofcourse it's not a career yet if it ever be, it just some side thing I do on my free time so I could express myself and give people some information, it also helps me as well so it's a win win. I want to be clear on what I want, once I realised that I'm a meditation coach, then I thought that beatbox is like meditation so I came to a conclusion that I'm a beatbox coach,though I'm still too young for that. People say you can be a coach as you are 25years old(I'm 22 now) so I don't see myself as a teacher, I'm more like a learner, because I still have a lot to learn in beatbox, in public and one on one speaking I still have to get into intimate relationships(that's a topic for another day) and I get these wants from my role models, world-class musicians(mostly beatboxers), public speakers Leo, Tim Han. And there's this meditation coach thingy, like Echart Tolle and Sadhguru and so on. How can I combine all these passions together? It seems like I want to do all of them. And How I'm going to do it? If I can even combine these passions... Any ideas?

You're confused, that's all I see right now

I don't know how to call it, but almost for a year now I've been noticing perception change in my eyesight, it's like I'm seeing thoughts but not hearing them or more like a black and white mixture like I said in the title. It happens very rapidly and almost constanstly like a metrenome, sometimes I even feel like I teleport from one place to another after that perception change. Maybe I just fall unconscious for a bit or something, or maybe God got lazy on creating the whole view of Reality with every detail smoothly and such Have you experience something similar? what is it?

@Javfly33 thanks for the suggestion, I ran today got all sweaty and stuff lol

So I'm in rehab as I've done psychedelics in the past and in rehab it teaches that you can achieve bliss and satisfaction by being sober. And now I see what they mean. Being sober is a great for to some degree ofcourse these euphoric states and calmness are rare, but I think it goes a long way after the longer period of time in sober state. Previously I thought that I can only be happy by doing drugs, this is false drugs are good and all but there are consequences that come with it, especially after you stop taking the drugs for a longer period of time, like 6 months or so. Really these consequences and scary and Leo still proclaims that psychedelics can't get you addicted. This is also false, sure there are times after you take psychedelics in large dozes that you didn't want it anymore, but for how long? After it like you need to take another dose of those drugs to feel better again, to escape the suffering. It really bugging then my mind works like that. So anyway whenever I see that all this rehab did influence me in a way to see that soberity is not that bad, it's good actually. And really like we can't be taking psychedelics 24/7, there's a time and place for them, but we still need to stay sober and get back from all the chaos in my minds and fix it up a bit so we could be a part of society and live a prosperous life.

So I've been thinking about this choice, last summer I found out that I might be gay because of reasons... And I asked God to stop it, I asked God to stop me from being gay, but it doesn't stop, atleast the thoughts and the actions, so I decided God is giving me a choice. And I choose both, but the thought of sucking a dick still bothers me, and getting fucked in the ass also, because I think I will cry my eyes out once I get fucked in the ass and will be miserable afterwards. But the state of consciousness after the first time I've put a finger in the butt was really strong and calm so maybe I will feel the same after sex with men. And hetereosexual sex is just some obligation I have to do because culture says to do it. So yeah...

So last week I told a friend in rehab that I'm gay, and the moment I told it to him, he was laughing and I was laughing, I find it weird, liek shouldn't it be like a serious moment then I open up to someone about my sexuality and say that I'm gay and that I like to fuck men(I never did it). But see I might do it I might fuck other men, just because some girls rejected me and I don't want to forgive for that, I want revenge by ignoring all the women in the world and actually just going full on with my sexuality as being gay, it's scary at first but I feel this pain in my heart organ , so I don't know maybe I'm being to cruel to myself by ignoring all the women, but then again I want to avoid being too needy with girls overall. See I never had an intercourse, I'm 22 years old I say to my self that I don't need any girls but really? No. Ofcourse nor it can't be this way. So anyway being gay is the way to go and the mind is here to tell me that being gay is the way to go so stop being so biased right? I'm biased and I talk to myself like a girl, that means I'm transexual, atleast that's how I call myself, all these names and identities I adopted, just really it's the need to find the why that drives me. And like a year ago I had these vision that I'm fucking literally fucking Leo in the asshole as I'm high on 5meo and looking at our bodies as we are fucking in a third person view with this entity called "soul" and that's why I'm gay because I saw this vision. Also I dreamed that I'm sucking a dick and I'm being fucked in the ass, it's weird and uncomfortable so I kinda want to hate it, but I think I will like it in the end because it's in my blood to be gay lol.

@Etherial Cat What is shadow work? Is it contemplation? Similar to that? I already told my Mom about the possibility of being gay, she said she doesn't want me to be gay. I told my psychologist and some other workers in rehab and one rehab friend as well, most of them seem to show understanding, others laugh and joke about it, other say it's nonsense and that I have to embrace being straight. But in my mind I'm still gay and just because I'm consciousness and consciousness is what reality made out of - right? Right? So that means that I'm all the killers and the transexuals and all the lesbians and all other people including myself and every object in reality. But again with that philosophy I act as a gay person it fuckings bugs me, I want to cry my eyes out and pity myself for being this way because I don't know any other coping way with this. I just want to isolate myself from the entire world and think this through until I'm ready to be gay, if that's what I have to do. It's almost like a responsibility an obligation to be gay, like it's a role in a movie called my life, there's no other way I just have to be gay I need to be gay and if I need to then I want to. Why though? I have no idea.

You guys are sick I really see that there's more to it than just sex, I just want to be...

So today, I was contemplating and I was running away from my sexuality I picked it very shortly but I didn't realised which one I was. So to speak. I think I'm being biased by telling myself either being gay or being straight and not being straight and being gay, which makes me bisexual. So either way I'm currently bisexual and being bisexual is not bad because I have the freedom to choose my partner in the future either male or female, maybe a transexual mate once I'm mature enough. So to be clear I'm not denying my gayness, it's very clear to me that I might be gay and being straight only contradicts that, that's why I'm in so much confusion about my sexuality. Netherless I feel fear regardless of what partner I will pick. Just the thought of being with someone and going through all the conflicts all the suffering and opening myself up to the other person just irritates me because I don't want to do that. I don't want to open up, now do I need to open up? That's a different story, sometimes I do need to, but most of the time I can choose to close myself up and be defensive about any detail about me and trying to manipulate other people to see me as good or powerful and such. You can't fake confidence it's either there or it's not there, from the other perspective it's there and it's not there so confidence could be just a concept to distinct a certain type of behaviour. Anyways not more here to tell.

So basically I have two choices, atleast I'm aware of these two choices. I either go back home in my hometown and find some work there or I stay near my rehab in the city and find work there while volunteering as a worker in rehab. I really have trouble choosing the path, I don't know which one will be the best of me. I waited for the answer to come as I think that everything puts itself in it's own place with time. But I still have a decision to make on my own. I know if I choose my hometown I will fall back into drug use again as before. And if I stay in rehab a bit longer I will stay sober for a longer period of time. So it really depends if whatever or not I want to stay sober or not. Cuz I big part of me leans towards using drugs again and another part wants to be sober. To take in mind that while I had gone home for weekends, during those weekends I fell back to drug use, 3 times it was With overuse my prescribed medication for schizophrenia and 1 time 1 full bottle of beer. And nobody knows about it beside myself, relatively speaking. And being sober is kinda nice but my parents are skeptical about being in rehab a bit longer so I don't know what to do really. Help please, do you know any questions that might help to find the answer for this issue?

@Average Investor Thank you man for encouraging me to be sober. I thought I would only get the opposite. Because I think this forum is all about doing drugs and being spritual with those drugs but I cuz not everyone is on that boat. In rehab they say that we have to fight against drug use and stay sober all the time and on the contrary Leo "sells" that psychedelics can actually do some good to humanity. So I'm very confused about it. Maybe finding a compromise between drugs and soberity is a solution. And there comes the thought about "controlled" use of drugs. Rehab says it's a myth and that we can't use drugs moderately. And I kinda see it in myself when I crave the drugs so much that my body just moves towards them besides the want to stay sober. I'm afraid that drugs will destroy my psyche so much that I won't be able to see the difference between myself and other, and being sober shows that there is some kind of boundary (even if it's imaginery ) between me and other. I know it will take time and some radical work to truly commit to being sober and at this point I only see two options either drug myself to death or use drugs to revive myself from death. It's all about the drugs in my mind, it's hard to let go, like you said I'm having trouble being sober as it is and rehab is the safest place to stay sober.

I get these thoughts from my inner voice, like I should be gay and that I shouldn't be straight, because if I'm straight - I will be rejected by females. So that's kinda disturbing. So it seems that I'm afraid of being rejected and being rejected is not what I'm looking for because being rejected is uncomfortable. If I'm gay and I'm surely am one I shouldn't even bother thinking about females because there's no point thinking about them, I should only think about relationships with other males because that way I will keep my identity as being gay. So it doesn't matter if I don't think about females. I would rather get fucked in a butt than get rejected another time in bed. That's irritional though. I could do otherwise but I won't. I'm so stubborn I can't even be good anymore. I only want to be gay because I don't want to be rejected anymore, because I think that if I get rejected one more time I will be deppressive again. With men it's another deal, men want me because I'm sexy and stuff, I have a good body and they would flirt with me like I have this girly fantasy of being passive in a relationship. I want my partner to be the dominant one and not the other way around. This guy huh? What is he talking about? He's crazy isn't he? He says he's gay but he doesn't want to be straight. Maybe I want to be gay, maybe not. I have no integrity whatsoever, I'm a piece of shit I know. I don't care anymore I don't care about sex I don't care about my life purpose, I don't care about anything, I only care about myself and showing the good things about myself gaining status and all of that. Whenever I stop being such a douchebag I become gay. Because caring about anything is gay, so maybe I'm gay because I want to care about somethings. This shitty journal, I hate it, I hate every little ounce of gayness in me, maybe because there is so much of it in me. All I see is dicks and blowjobs and getting fucked in the ass. This bitch that fucking rejected me, I fucking hate her, she's a bitch and a whore and all the bad words I could think of. I hate her and I forgive her. There.I said it, I forgive her but not really. Because she's such a bitch of being a bitch of being a bitch because she's such a bitch about being a bitch and bitching about being a bitch.

The only distinction I can see is the fact that The dream has more fantasy aspect. And once you're in the dream it is Reality at that moment, then "Reality" comes after you woken up from sleep and you realize it's still a dream. So in a sense there's no distinction between the dream and Reality, because it flows in one another.

So in this new video all I see Leo being narcisistic and self bias trying to survive in his own belief system, so he's sitting at his home all day and meditating, sure I believe there are mundane everyday errands here and there but mostly it's speaking to this called "Infinite Inteligence" it might be just Leo himself that Infinite inteligence I mean. And he might just be having schizophrenia thinking that all thoughts that come to him are zome information about the world and him. So he uses this inteligence to gain information. Basically any thoughts that come up he takes it and makes it his own so when he starts to detach himself from himself and speak in a formless God form. Saying he's God and all that, cool if he thinks like that, good for him. I think that his self esteem is way to high and he would just need to come down on the ground and speak abojt more earthly things rather than this "High-end" stuff or nonsense you might call it about the claims of being God and such. And sure I get what he's saying I'm everything and all I see what he means, the interconnectedness and things like that, but I still need to live my life with all the problems, and making claims of being God ain't going to help, me being God isn't doing any good to me. I'm just a tiny little human compared to the all mighty universe and so is Leo.

@universe Yes I can accept it @Nahm I The funny things about dreams is that they some of them come true in real life and you only remember them after you experienced the so called samadhi. I had this one dream that I remember and after waking up I got a thought that said "That's Reality" meaning it will come true in Reality. I still remember it vividly I'm waiting for it to manifest. So the question does it has form? In the dream it seems there is form but when you wake up form dissapears.

@PlayOnWords Yes I had had plenty of mystical expeirences even at my young age, And had enlightement experiences, I've seen God, it's everywhere, and I'm part of everywhere. Just the fact that I've seen and heard God from many different facids doesn't mean I'm not human. I'm still a human, even if I'm God. And the human I am has limitations. Leo claims he's the whole God and that's partially true, he is detached from his Leo Avatar as he puts it and speaks for the whole thing. I've had the same detachament when I was in absitence from the psychedelics I've been taking. I imagined I'm God while thinking that I'm controlling people with my mind, while being completely detached. I can freely speak in third person as Leo does. That's what detachment from the self entails. In my opinion being in a materialist paradigm is not that bad once you realize that you still need to make money to survive, sure you can have financial independence and when speak about these spiritual things while ranting about how materialist paradigm is wrong and bad. I have contemplated, it's a nice way to spend time, it's interesting to some extent. Actually one of my contemplation actually triggered an enlightment experience so I get why you're saying to do the techniques. So while I haven't got exact Leo's experience, I still have my experience. And by this ideology, I'm Leo, so basically I have the same experience as Leo has because I'm experience both Leo and StrangeLoop at the same time.

@TrynaBeTurquoise Like what? @Adam M Yeah I noticed that I'm projecting while I was writing this post. Though why do I need to follow any teaching really? Why as a human I have to adapt to other people? Why can't I just be my self without being other people? Sure I see my delusion, but it's not enough to see it, I(the ego) want to be self-bias and pick sides because that what makes me an ego and being an ego is part of life so I wouldn't be wrong by saying that being an ego is good. Because there are many faceds of me inside of me and there could be more of these kind of thoughts if I just allowed them to come to me. So whenever I see someone being selfish I hate them because I can see the selfishness inside of me projected or mirrored rather through other people.

So I'm a beatboxer and my dream is to be a champion atleast a vice champion at it, I want to perform to people but I'm afraid to being rejected and I don't want to be this way. So many times I told my self that I should quit beatboxing and do this spiritual work instead, teach meditation or something. So I don't know, I like beatbox, I like the reactions the smiles the engangement I get from other people when I beatbox, but the fear of losing is killing me. So whenever I try to motivate myself I start feeling resistance towards beatboxing. Anyways I think it's all just bullshit because I haven't done anything fully on for ten years or so. Anything I could master I didn't master, yet. So I still have work to do, I guess what I'm looking for while writing this here is your support anything that would push me towards more beatboxing. Am I mistaken for choosing beatbox over spirituality? I don't know. And I know that I Have all the answers within me so I guess I will find it out with time... Have you faced resistance? How did you deal with it? What are the mistakes you have made while choosing a life purpose?

I don't know, today, I feel calm. I still see the gay side of me, maybe it's not a side, maybe it's just me, I don't know. Why do I feel calm? Maybe because I see something, but it's vert distant, hope of somekind, a hope on having a wife, maybe this wife won't be a traditional person, maybe this wife will be transexual, because I'm gay, I might choose dick over pussy. And choosing that makes me even calmer, strange... I might be in the time of my life where I must be calm, I've been very nervous about this in the past, but know I'm looking at the bright side, I might just have plenty of sex, with men and women. And it doesn't matter how my life will go, it'll be awesome. I still care about other people's opinions and it slighty scares me, I'm scared of being rejected, but not by men, because men are as horny as I am and I'm very horny. So with men, I won't have a problem, the only problem with men is letting myself be with them, having sex with them. It's a bit scary, but I'll get over it. I still need some self-acceptance work, I might think that being gay and having gay fantasies is wrong, but that's untrue, because like in this one song: "It looks so wrong bur it feels so right" I think my parents will reject me and demonize me, but not my mom, I already told my mom about my gayness. She doesn't want me to be gay, maybe I don't want to be gay either, but the hell with it, I will be gay anyways, because why bother being gay is not the end of the world. Sure there's repression and demonization of gay people, some people are getting killed because of their sexuality, but I'm not afraid to die. I'm eternal bitch, I will never die. Relatively speaking. I might just like being gay, it feels so blissful to be gay. I'm at peace...

You might want to check out my self actualization journal, called "Becoming Gay" I feel you bro, I'm going through the same suffering. In the journal I put all my thoughts about being gay, you might want to start your own one if you want to or just keep on track with my one

@seeking_brilliance Thanks for the tip.