Pramit

Life is a void and void is truth Day 1 : Today marks the beginning of my journal. Here, i will record the activities i do in the path to becoming a neuroscientist. I will keep descriptions of feelings and other cognitive states that i experience throughout the day to a minimum. Once i used to say to myself "It'll pass". But now it is no longer necessary to say so because i have changed the way i think about emotional states and perceptual stimuli. Why are you writing a journal? I ask this question because i was initially skeptical of keeping journals. I believe writing in a journal is the same as announcing to the world that you have done something, even though you really have done nothing. But i decided to write one anyway. Before i started the journal, i made sure to have a daily meditation habit(1 hour), and a daily study habit(no matter what i do). This is important because i want to make sure that the journal itself does not disrupt anything. Your hopes and aspirations - what do you want to do? This question is essential. Motivation, or strong motivation, requires a "purpose". People must believe that they are doing something grand. Unfortunately, i have lost my original motivation - to understand myself. So right now, i don't have any purpose except to simply enjoy the process of learning and discovery. Things i did today : 1) Completed a online course on visual phenomenology. I was particularly encouraged by the responses i got for my assignment on the ponzo effect 2) Visited khan academy to learn some basic mathematics (differentiation). Progress is slow because i want to make sure i understand everything perfectly. A lot of high school mathematics i have forgotten, and i want to make sure to remember them. 3) Meditation(1 hour) and a body scan(40 minutes). Distractions i indulged in : 1) Youtube - at least 2 hours. 2) Actualized.org - at least 30 minutes. Final thoughts : I feel very tired now. To do for tomorrow : Revise basic neuroscience, scientific investigations into sensorimotor cortex(EPFL), human perceptual systems. Finish the "statement of interest" write up for the cognitive neuroscience program. Random trivia : This is my second public journal in actualized.org. The first one was this. I discarded it because i lost motivation. Then i regained motivation and discovered something fundamental that changed the way i look at life. And now that journal is of no use to me, so i discarded it.

I put up butterflies in my room. Little plastic ones, each one painted differently. They came with a little strip of glue paper. It held up for a while, but eventually started falling off the surface of lamps (I like to joke that this fall coincides with my hairfall). I was feeling pretty depressed and anxious today. Its a weekend and I stayed inside, and I was ruminating (or perhaps grieving is the right term?) on the end of a relationship, or its change, and then everything else followed. And I subsequently feeling lonely. What am I supposed to do with faced with such unstability in my life? Not stay in bed? hah! I don't know what drove me, but I decided to pick up the fallen butterflies and put them up again. I can do that, unlike my hair. My mind does seemingly focus on the negatives when I am in a hole. I was still sad, but at least I wasn't in bed. I started to contemplate on the myth of sisyphus and camus. I guess me putting back the butterfly is an analogy for the story of Sisyphus. I wanted to be free, to choose my own happiness. But I am bound to fail, and I am bound to perform repetitive actions to maintain my things. And more importantly, I can only do limited things and I am chained in a prison of "my" own devising. And yet there was a strange calm in putting back the fallen butterflies. I was slow, methodocally putting glow on the underside. And I didn't have a gurantee that it wouldn't fall again (it'd suck if it does). I guess there is freedom in the defiance. Freedom isn't something external, but its a decision I think. I decided to be free by doing exactly the same thing that would indicate that I am not free. Or may be I am deluding myself. But isn't all of this a grandiose delusion? I couldn't taste the tea, but now I can. It's not so bad, tastes a little sweet and minty. Not warm anymore though. That's okay, a little imperfection gives it weight.

I hope you enjoy the process

Yes of course

Too much has happened, I'm not sure how much I've changed since the last post.

I feel myself growing as a person, and the social part of my brain is now developing quite nicely. Still needs more time, but I am happy with my attempts to change and develop further as a person. I am genuinely happy with who I am and what I have done so far. I think I can die without regrets. I have become somewhat apathetic towards science, and this apathy is broken by the occasional crisis, event. And then I run out of steam again. I also need to find better ways of dealing with my social anxiety in my workplace. I used to think that my growth would not be scientific, but now I see that I can grow with how I deal with my work as well - in fact I should recognize this challenge for what it is and use it as a cruel staircase. All the while retaining my humanity and the kindness (and charity towads other people) that makes me, me. I need to become more proactive in my social life, but at the same time accepting of things that don't conform to my expectations. It's a game I can get better at, but I cannot predict the results. May be I can better recognize my own charm - my empathy towards others and my charisma. I think at my lowest, I can now do something about it - and that is a huge huge progress. I can actually leave the house when I am at my lowest. It is not easy, it may take some time, and there will be days when I can't get out of bed or take care of myself, days with excess anxiety, panic attacks, loneliness. But even then, I can persevere - I can resolve to overcome these. And when I do, I can recognize myself for the monumental effort that I put in to overcome something entirely invisible but entirely real and terrifying. I may not be able to negotiate with the world at large about my condition, and that is okay. I acknowledge myself, and my struggle. I am putting more importance and trust in my own thoughts and intuition about things, and I am growing and learning from other people. Slowly I am absorbing many things. Let's see where this road takes us For now, I am incredibly proud of me. And that is worth everything.

There are still happenings Nothing ended

Hello there! It's been..some time. What have I been up to, you ask? Well..I've been trying to change. To connect with people, to be more honest with myself and others, to break some walls down, to stop caring so much, and to find some happiness for pramit. It is not easy, pramit has a lot of demands that are just hard to fulfill sometimes. But he also sometimes lets me see the most wonderful things I could possibly imagine, so its okay. Can people change? I think I can. I am not completely sure, but I can try. Its time to take a leap of faith.

and a happy new year to you! Though its a bit late for new years wishes. Plants and insects fascinate me. I want to keep watching things from this perspective for some more time. Thanks, for many things.

Happy new year me! And anyone who reads this journal. To belldy, I'll show you a good time while I am alive. Or at least I promise to keep it interesting. Can't do more than that you know, I'm just human. Found this song through a friend: Sleeping At Last - Sleeping At Last - "Saturn" (Official Music Video) - YouTube I'm a bit lonely.

A beautiful perspective This perspective came about when I thought about time, and read "Three days of happiness" by Fafoo (https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B075-RPoqHSkZ0VoVExfYi1pVWM/view) along with Seneca's letters on the Shortness of time and Tranquility of mind. The idea is that the way we experience time is not linear, rather time only exists for the particular moment and depending on how meaningful the human activity you are engaged in. So 3 months could have more time than 30 years, given the right circumstances. To understand the consequences of this, it takes you to a weird place, and I found this beautiful. So I am calling it a beautiful perspective. Karl Jaspers on the character of modern science: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGgaTmNqjUA Pretty interesting video, articulating the difference between modern and ancient science. Modern science is more imaginative, and its imagination is for the purpose of breaking the boundaries of established thought or taking it to its limits. On the other hand, ancient science uses imagination to fit with already existing notions. "Modern science goes to extremes in questioning". The biggest character of modern science is that it tries to know its own limits and uncertainities. Anyone who believes that science is certain is suffering from "science superstition". And on the opposite side you have "science hatred". Of course the uncertainity of science does not mean that your crazy idea has the same validity. Scientific ideas are judged by their rigour and experimental validity, so only replace a theory only if you get something even more precise. It has been a crazy few weeks with me doing some changes to the way I think and deal with situations. I have been meditating 2 hours a day, 1 hour per session. Exercise routine is still ongoing. I desperately need a change of scenary. But I am afraid of not being able to handle the changes. I am currently reading Albert Camus's "The myth of Sisyphus". Always wanted to read this, but it has been a struggle since I dont have the background to read some of this. Listening to old psychiatric recodings, and interrogation footage from police station. My interest in human psychology took me here. I am taking interpersonal relations more seriously, but it will take time to cultivate (and a willingness to overlook a lack of reciprocity). Someone has advised me to "keep my heart open", and that's exactly what I am going to do. My heart is open..come! wait..where are you going?! The gardens of my love

"You are always in the middle. Where else would you be?" - Alan watts in 'Every incarnation is this one' Alan watts is referring to how we experience ourselves as being in the middle. "Where else would you be?". I was thinking about the same thing recently. Well, not entirely the same, since I was thinking of emotional states rather than the overall perspective. That is, to put it in similar words as watts said, the one in the middle is always the you of the present. Every emotion is the right emotion. Every perspective is the right perspective. OR rather, the concept of right and wrong is moot when it comes to this. So what are we bothered about? I don't know anymore! And that's exactly what is happening now. I went out yesterday to find 20-30% of the people in the streets not wearing mask. Social distancing is non-existent (and impossible to do here). Three kinds of profile pictures for job profiles or networking profiles: 1. Super confident : "Look at my pose and tell me that I am not competent for your job" or a slightly threatening pose 2. Cool hipster (artists) : Picture unrelated to the profile, or an unconventional photo. Since its rare, may be its more accurate to not call this a category. 3. Warm appropachable (best for roles that interact with people) : "Look at my warm smile" There's a fourth category that people like me tend to embody, and this is the "lame ass passport photograph". I haven't seen a facebook wall for a very long time. But recently I've had the pleasure of looking at my linkedin feed, and its really lame. The brain and the environment are in a constant state of feedback. The brain is also in a constant state of feedback with itself. Both occurs through communication between different "parts"(could be cells, bunch of cells, brain regions, etc). This biological communication is done through chemical or electrical means. Now, my question is, at what point in the history of the birth of the organism, did this signalling really begin? Can you trace the development of this feedback loop and follow it along as it matures? This overall activity is the closest you can get to the "soul". Part of my life has been an obsession with reclaiming my life. I love it when research papers start with "However for [phenomenon], little is known about [the thing I am studying]". Its such a common phrase! And for complex biological systems, I suppose it would remain true for a long time. So very true! Thanks Pramit from 27/12/2019! Random trivia: Homosexual fruit flies/drosophila

Aimer is really awesome.

Sometimes you read stories of people who have gone through spiritual transformations due to certain experiences from drugs or accidents. Such as a story about someone who became a musicophile after a out of body experience during a cardiac arrest. In these interviews, the subject always tries to give a spiritual explanation for the event. [Perhaps it is a journalistic bias that keeps the scientific people from having these experiences and explaining them in scientific terms.] These people are afraid or find a scientiic explanation unwelcome - as if it somehow ruins the whole show. This is a very interesting phenomenon, and a social psychologist should study this. Those people, like most people who take "spirituality" seriously, might be self-identifying with this new story about themselves that they have constructed. It might be interesting to see what the underlying factors (eg, social media habits, education level, etc) are that maintain these identities. I just finished reading the book "Outliers" by Malcom Gladwell. One of the interesting things about this book is the narrative structure that feels like a investigation. The author starts with the incorrect premise, but does not let us know just yet that its incorrect. This adds to the shock value when he introduces small but significant details that completely change the whole story. Its pretty amazing, and it makes the point that much stronger. I have come to enjoy the silence of the night. Time changes one's perspective. Or may be its just the fact that my neighbourhood is extremely noisy during the day. To seek to destroy others is to seek to destroy yourself. I have learned this lesson recently. Only an empty feeling remained afterwards. I have been studying social psychology though an online course in coursera and the book readings that come with it. It has been a very interesting journey so far. It has explained some things rather nicely. For example, my value for academia might be more due to social expectations (both from myself and how the people surrounding me talked about me). We are always playing the social game, performing to others and to outselves. I am taking notes from every lesson I learn, I'll post them here once I finish the course (or if I finish it). I have attached an eye-opening article on mental health hospitals in the 70's. The god of many faces : In game of thrones there is a god of death, and his followers wear the skin of the victims, in their belief that death is faceless. In our lives, we encounter a lot of faces, possibly a great number of them. We wear a few ourselves. We play dress up, but inside...inside we are nothing, faceless. There is nothing undereath. No soul. Therein lies the beauty of it all - nothing can remain. How to divert our behavioural loops: This is a difficult question that has been the struggle of my life for sometime now. I have not been successful in diverting the loop. The difficulty lies in the sustained effort needed for the personality to change itself. First, you must be aware. Second, self awareness must lead to an outcome different from the ordinary one. Third, you must repeat this. The trick is to not try - for if you try you will fail. There needs to be a search engine for science articles for the general public or those looking to get informed without wanting to practically write a research proposal on it. Google is really bad at it, since the top results is usually dominated by "for profit" websites. Unless its a very specific query. On being sane in insane places-an experiment-Rosenhan.pdf

^random thoughts. Writing a research proposal is a very helpful activity to gain insight into a field - its current questions and its problems. It is also a great way to obtain clear thinking, to refine your skills in asking questions (one of the most fundamental activity in science). And most important, if you have nothing better to do, its an exciting activity that keeps you awake and gives you a purpose in the short term. It also leads to producing something useful. As written on this page under "write a research proposal and get it criticized". The coronavirus crisis seems to be starting in India now. Its a scary thought as to what happens when the lockdown is repealed and people go out into the streets with the false perception that coronavirus is no more. Cases will start to spike immediately in a country as densely populated as India. Staying six feet apart and social distancing is impractical here. I can't help but feel that we are fucked. There is a very helpful simulaton of the coron virus outbreak here : https://ncase.me/covid-19/ When I look at popular media and see what the people enjoy, I am often reminded of fast food. Another thought about popular media, I wonder if we can look at the collection of media that a country enjoys as its "consciousness". The bar is quite low right now. You can't talk about zen, but you can't stay silent either. The moon reflects on the silent puddle of water. I cannot cling to wisdom, but I cannot not-cling to wisdom either. What does that nonsense mean? It means that the moon reflects on the silent puddle of water. I was concerned with this for some time, as well as being concerned about writing about this, since by writing I was creating the illusion of it (however, by not writing, I was not acknowledging that it exists). So the answer is - The moon reflects on the silent puddle of water. Moments ago, someone saw through me, and it was reflected crudely in the silent puddle of muddy water. So I saw through them, and I saw the moon. And it was the puddle reflected on the moon. There, I said it again. What cannot be put into words, I just did it. I promised to leave, and therefore I left. The trick to sleeping without dreams: []

where is your mind in all this? If you say "I am cold", will you feel cold?

'Art of washing dishes - to wash one dish at a time.' - Alan Watts. 'No compulsion. There is nothing that you MUST do. No compulsion to play.' 'Troble? You created it. You are solely responsible.' Have you ever attempted to wake up within the dream, only to realize that you woke up in the same dream? Like, you get out of bed, and you run to the door, and it just doesn't feel right. And then your mother tries to open the door, and as she is opening her, her form just a black mass. Then you realize that you didn't actually wake up. So you go back to bed (within the dream), close your eyes, and try to remember how it "feels" to be in reality. And you slowly wake up. It's not always a good idea to wake up from your dream. You must eventually wake up, yes. But its not always a good idea to wake up early. Who knows what your original reality is like? You certainly do not remember, except for the fact that dreams always borrow elements from reality. I quite like this dream. I just hope that the corona virus is not like those viruses in plague inc. It might just be collecting mutation points so that one day suddenly all the symptoms are activated. One song I've been listening to : An idea for a project: Get soundclips of ambient sounds like rain, then extract the features that make it sound like rain, and then create a new sound file using these features but with variations (so that it sounds brand new and not looped).

I don't know about the current state of the forums. But back in..2016/17, I got a lot of good insights from the forums and from users whom I sent PM's to. I think the real trap is unfortunately the lack of knowledge about yourself. People think that doing these activities (meditation, etc) will give you that, but what you also need to do is study psychology, especially social psychology. For example, the concept of cognitive dissonance and fundamental attribution error is something you REALLY NEED in this day and age. I read a good article here about the problem with not having words or concepts that can effectively "capture" meaning and emotion: https://aeon.co/ideas/hypocognition-is-a-censorship-tool-that-mutes-what-we-can-feel As the article says, a lot of our understanding of human nature relies on knowing the words to describe situations and feelings, even behavioral patterns. The same goes for mental illness, when you know what you have, it gives you an illusion of power over it (and sometimes real power). When you discuss something over forums, you need to be honest. Questioning and not overly argumentative. The goal is to improve your knowledge, not to convince the other person. If a bunch of people follow this, then new users will look at it and (in their efforts to fit in) copy it. So this is something that regular posters (especially the mods and leo) need to do - but I haven't really seen this. Rather than telling off "dirty materialists", try to make the forums a better place by not threatening to ban those who don't follow the same ideology. And definitely warn those who cry out "ban ban ban" against users who raise counterpoints against spirituality as you guys practice it (these people are rare anyway).

Beatle paradox - if only the fittest survive, we should expect a few hundred beatle to survive. However, half a million species exists, with only superflous difference between their species. The theory of selection by natural selection should keep species plain and simple, and cost efficient. Freeman Dyson died recently. Before his death, he posted a talk here : https://www.edge.org/conversation/freeman_dyson-biological-and-cultural-evolution - I encourage you to go and read it, or even better, listen to his narration. There is a story I wanted to write about an entity who can do anything he wants. He can change the flow of time, he can move from one reality state to another (using a many world hypothesis), he can make himself feel and think anything that is possible. The only thing he cannot do is go outside the confines of his reality or bubble of perception. He can turn himself into a fly, but he does not possess the blueprint to turn himself into a 10 dimensional god. So he is essentially a human god. What would such an entity do? I think the answer is - everything and nothing. How do you decide what to do everyday? If you think about it, you never truly decide anything - everything has already been decided from the very beginning. I am not just talking about determinism. Everything is in a loop. You see something, it causes you to react in certain way, which causes you to see something else, and it goes on. This is the sensorimotor loop, and it is basis on which organisms like us function. People can argue where that loop begins and ends (a moot point) - whether perception came first or action came first. So someone who is feeling bored will do things to alleviate his boredom, and will not do things that increase his boredom. This is very simple. And thus, the human god will do everything, because he is bound by nothing. He does not have to feel bored, but he does not have to feel "not bored" either. So he will take both sets of actions, because he can and must exist. Even if he goes to sleep till the end of the universe, since he cannot escape reality, he must go back to the starting point and do it all over again with a small difference (otherwise the outcome would be the same). If we count the number of same outcomes as just 1 outcome, then you have a being that is exploring every single state of the universe. Every interaction that can go differently. This is the many world hypothesis, where every interaction between quantum particles give rise to a new branching. So you can say that he is exploring a multiverse that contains himself(since a reality where he does not exist cannot be accessed by him). Most of his actions will simply be "noise" or random fluctuations. He will take very few meaningful actions. I define meaningful here from the perspective of life - since meaning only exists when someone can select action A from action B. Many questions arise. Can you really call this entity a "person" when it is not actively playing a person? How do you distinguish it from the universe? When it discovers what it is, what will it do? the answers , imo, are - no, you can't, nothing that it hasn't already done.

Question: why does social interaction need time(from days to months) to progress? What is the dynamics of this? Especially curious is written communication/correspondence - why does that need so much time? Lets take two scenarios : Scenario A - Person A and B exchange emails for a long time. Each email exchange tells a little bit about themselves until they acquire X amount of information about each other Scenario B - Person A and B exchange only one email which also gives the same X amount of information. Ignore factors such as person A fearful of revealing too much to person B in a single email.

I discovered alan watts a long time ago and he has helped shape my thinking about my existence. what is most important is the attitude - sincere but not serious. Then you can just enjoy what life has to offer. It is a simple philosophical attitude that almost no one understands.People who preach acceptance but cannot accept themselves at all. Hypocrisy is the mirror of humanity - we love our words, and we love saying them no matter how removed they are from our actions. And more important, people today just want to consume consume consume. They will eat whatever. "Oh please tell me what to think!", "I am so scared of having the wrong opinion, please tell me what the right opinion is so I can memorize it and spread it". "Mouthing the words". There is only one lesson, and that is to point at your mind. Either you do that and leave, or you admit to yourself what you are and continue with your phony attitude. Just as I admit to myself right now that I am playing the game. Don't give an advanced warning - don't say "Oh now I will begin meditating for 10 days! Watch as I become super enlightened, possibly the most enlightened person ever!". Unless you want to make money of course.

It really depends on the severity of social anxiety and you. It might temporarily alleviate the symptoms, but it'll come back when you are least expecting it. So be careful haha. To those who suffer from social anxiety (clinically diagnosed) or social phobia, go a psychiatrist or a psychologist and get help through cognitive behavioral therapy or medication. Don't linger here and ask strangers who have no idea about the seriousness of the condition

I asked this question on day 81 of starting this journal. So a really long time ago. Today I chanced upon a paper that I had kept in my pc. It was on degeneracy in biological systems. Degeneracy here means "Different structure, Same function". For example, both an analog watch and a digital watch tell time. Now, the purpose of this degeneracy, at first glance, seems obvious : it acts as a biological "safety net" against mutations, or to produce more of that stuff. If I break your digital watch, you still have the analog watch to tell time with. But isn't that the same as redundancy(same structure, same function)? Unlike a system designed by humans, biological systems follow a "Whatever works" policy, evolution is a blind designer. So, the net result is that complexity increases even though its "unnecessary"(or rather, evolution doesn't understand the meaning of that word). Degeneracy, unlike redundancy, accounts for that increase in complexity. Redundancy would not account for that higher complexity (is what they are trying to say, I guess). Degenerate elements also strictly do not have the same function, there could be variability. Degeneracy is especially prevelent in nervous system, where individual neurons(let alone synapses, circuits, and higher structures) can have large degree of variation in an organism. The authors argue that this is beneficial since it works for evolution, allowing survival in the event of a new unforseen selection pressure. And that's why most biological phenomenons and aspects of behaviour (such as intelligence) evolved from degeneracy (multiple genes/cells/circuits). They also argue that complexity increases with degeneracy. Since there are two aspects of complexity - 1) functional specificity of an element 2) Interactions between elements. Degeneracy can increase both 1 and 2 , by making different structural elements that can perform the similar (But not entirely same) function, by allowing diversity in basic structures, by making interactions more diverse. But, the idea that complexity always increases is not an empirical fact and requires more evidence. Ultimately, they end the paper on the speculation that modern design principle of low cost efficient design might one day give way to degenerate designing. This is for problems that logic and traditional computation cannot solve, problems that require adapting to a changing environment. Law of internet comments: This may seem obvious, but its something I noticed when I read internet comments. The ideas expressed in the comments follow a particular pattern - simple ideas and common ideas are expressed in the majority, more complicated versions of those simple ideas come about in smaller samples(usually this has been parroted somewhere else), and complicated versions of different/novel ideas are very rare or non-existent. Of course I am talking about mainstream simple topics. Today I finished reading Haruhi Suzumiya. When I read this, I can't help but feel a desire to put myself inside the novel. I want to be a part of SOS brigade, I want to go on fun adventures, I want to interact with koizumi, I want to make some kind of retort to sakaki for her psuedo philosophical BS. Their life seems so much more fun than mine. Hm..but is it really? They have their ups and downs too - in fact its rather chaotic. Also, the main character prefers to be ordinary, much like me. And the world is pretty ordinary too (on the surface) for a random person (which is why I'd want to be one of the members of the SOS or someone who regularly interacts with them in meaningful manner - and not merely some bystander). But I think this way of thinking is wrong. Lets say someone is 'reading' my life right now. What would I say to that person, if he wanted to be me? I'd probably feel sympathy for that person. Haha. But seriously, I would tell that person that my life isn't so special. It has its ups and downs like any other ordinary life. Since you are reading me, I assume you are god since the act of reading is, in essence, creation. Then, I'd tell that person, that there's nothing to be envious about. By reading me, you are me. So rejoice! You aren't missing out on a thing. May be you will survive the reading of this Pramit - and you will have memories of my life which might make you feel..lonely(Nostalgia is never without loneliness). Sorry for that haha. If I can give you any advice, it is not to look at this situation in isolation. You are fixated on something and unable to consider my point of view or my opinion. In other words, your perspective is different - thus you are capable of cognizing this issue. It is just a matter of a particular brain state. Different circumstances lead to different outcomes. That is all there is to it. Now that I think about it, I probably don't want to be in Haruhi Suzumiya. Haruhi is too overbearing for my tastes, and while the author does put in some thought into the science fiction and philosophy, its still meant for mass consumption - thus simplified and full of holes (there's only so much I can do with my imagination). My phd applications are still ongoing. Random trivia: Gene scrambling - an example of redundancy and "constructive neutral evolution" where new features (like a really cool mutation) can occur even though it has nothing to do with the selection pressure or niche of an organism.