Pramit

ha ha ha. Oh you silly pramit. How very little you understand your own mind. Semester is going great. I am enjoying the learning a lot, especially computational neuroscience which is a entirely new subject for me! I love philosophy of mind, especially the arguments which blow my mind sometimes (i glue it back with some myelin). Richard Fyneman said - 'Reality must take precedence over public relations.'. I completely agree, although I think the wording should be changed to 'pursuit of reality', which more accurately describes the human condition. My own advice is this - "To learn anything honestly, one must be willing to risk public relations". Too often I find myself in conflict with my sense of shame, especially when it comes to asking questions. The issue of course isn't always so simply resolved by repeating a quote. For example, many questions are resolved if I give it some thought. So questions take time to resolve, but the appropriate time to ask questions during the lecture always ends. And thus you end up with a half baked question, that one cannot give thought to during the lecture because one must focus on the lecture itself and not on one's thoughts. To ask or not to ask? Honest work is also necessary. One must be willing to spend a lot of time, alone, in trying to understand the material. Although transfer of knowledge between humans is very convenient indeed, to truly understand and grasp the depth of a subject one must take the journey alone. And once honest work is done, one will gain more confidence to ask those questions and in approaching the instructor. When these factors are taken into account, asking questions becomes easier with time and experience on what is a good or bad question. Sometimes I fear taking the initiative of long lasting change, because of my long string of failures in the past. But then I remember that life itself is built on failure. Trillions of dead animals, on the wrong side of evolution, are necessary for the rise of homo sapiens. We too will die, because it is necessary. Thus even if we can give up in the mental sphere, our body will always push us to the extreme. Because that is what life is all about, surviving, then changing the environment to make survival even more favorable, resulting a cascade of events that give us homo sapiens and a partially terraformed earth. Until next time, Pramit

Day 317: It's almost a full year since i have started this journal. I am currently in the process of giving end of semester exams. I am definitely on-track to becoming a neuroscientist. Although my degree will have the attached 'cognitive science' to it as well. I recently posted this : The idea is still fresh in my mind. Let's see where it takes me. I have applied to one summer research program. But there are many more. I need to decide if i want to spend the summer at our lab, or go to some other university. There is one professor in our university that i am interested in working with. And i really don't want to deal with getting letters of recommendation again. I feel like the self and non-self coexist as theories inside me. I can find myself spacing out and believing in the idea of nonexistence of a self, but at the same time i can easily imagine a self. The ultimate question is whether this reality has any semblance of underlying truth or not. Even if perception is construction, is there really something it is constructing from? One idea i really liked this week is from Noam Chomsky - the idea that certain questions just cannot be scientifically understood by human beings. In physics, we make amazing progress, but in centuries old questions science on the nature of reality there is absolutely no progress. It is just that the question itself is impossible to comprehend with our natural language. The entire semester has been a seesaw - there were good parts, and there were bad. I learned new things. After the exam ends, i will go back to my usual routine of meditating, reading, etc. Maybe i'll visit a lab i am interested in. Maybe i'll actually be regular with this journal. Today i went to a human library event, where someone spoke about depression. Listening to her, i wonder if i too have clinical depression. It is difficult to know what is 'normal' when it comes to these things. I am aware of some of the problems i have in my mind, some of them are periodic and are guaranteed to happen. But its not a regular periodicity, or at least i have not measured it to that extent. The diagnosis wouldn't affect me much, because if i am really depressed, i wouldn't really want it to go away. I think there is great value in sadness and despair. They show you a side of life you often forget when you are having cheerful conversations on meaningless topics. The despair especially can be a source of motivation, and i am able to utilize it to an extent. This is all i want to say for now. Because i must sleep and its midnight.

Dear reader, Here is a theory that will help you understand who you are and where you came from. Assumption : 1) Space time is an interface, not reality. There is no demarcation on the basis of time or space. We are objects in motion so we believe in time as a demarcation. But these are illusions. Each system for containing consciousness has their own reality. Two realities can have the same representation of information but still be separate. Any system that processes information is conscious. The question : Where I come from and why can I not access the other consciousness? Why are there limited representations available? do other people have consciousness or are they philosophical zombies? is a computer conscious? etc The solution : Consciousness switches from one reality to the next. Each individual contains their own reality. Even though realities may interact or be in the same spatial and temporal phrase, they are actually separated in one axis that we cannot represent. Consciousness can only exist in a single reality, however it appears as if everyone has it. Only "I" am conscious. Other agents/systems are not conscious IN MY REALITY. However in their own reality, they are conscious. "I" will experience their reality. Since time or space is not a demarcation, when I experience their reality I will see my system as an agent without consciousness. This may sound like 'reincarnation' in popular religions, but it is not. There is no space time demarcation, so I will not reincarnate, but 'I' can be the cat I fed yesterday, or the friend I talked to many years ago, or donald hoffman. All consciousness needs is a system, and then through some unknown method it becomes that system. Part 2: Representations - The ultimate representation for humans is a description of reality, like a video game interface. Any description other than the one we have is inaccessible to us. But what is this description? I think it’s a simulation (based on current technologies). And since any simulation requires an external system to process it (a video game needs a human to play it), this one does too. So what is an external agent here? I don't know what it is, but I think the word we can use to name it is 'consciousness'. What this means for human race: If this is true, then humans should act a lot more kinder to each other. Because they are not separate individuals, but one consciousness. They all appear to exist at the same "time" (time and space are illusions), but there is just one consciousness which is going through them. The system that is the universe is geared with the purpose of making system that can retain this consciousness. In other words, the universe is a vessel for consciousness. (This theory is still not fully fleshed out, and might never be. As of now, i do not intend to bring it anywhere near a scientific audience because there is not much empirical proof of any of this except for maybe the visual interface theory. ) Some material to explore : http://www.cogsci.uci.edu/~ddhoff/

Day 265: Categories, categories, categories. So troublesome! We are always dividing the acorn and the oak, and then giving it a value based on some arbitrary feature. Yes i have been listening to sapolsky. Yes, there might be a progression, a sequence of causal events that we identify as "growth", but that is the name of an arbitrary process and continuity of information is always constructed and not a feature of the environment. Distractions in learning environment really do hamper me from getting a flow(periods of intense concentration). Since coming here, i have enjoyed quite a bit of good flow states. I think i have a good recipe for achieving flow states. But pertaining to my mind, it is absolutely important that i construct a good environment, whether consciously or not. The worst point is often preceded by a good feeling, and i hope future pramit keeps these things in mind as he tries to actively construct a routine or at least design some environmental variables in such a way to better aid my learning and bring my mental states(emotions) to particular types. Emotions are linked with thinking, and i think differently under different emotional state.

Day 259: A few things i had mistakenly realized back then: 1) The mean had moved. 2) Some changes are easier to record. Yes the environment is conducive to my lazy side, but at the same time it isn't exactly like home either. So i am changing, slowly, and i must keep faith in that change. People i had previously had good relations with seems to have deteriorated. The variable that people represent me with is dynamic and does change, even if its slower than how i change (and it may change even without any input from me). Either way, it is interesting to see how people's opinion of me changes as i change my patterns, and what circular reasoning they attribute to it. Regarding the mind-body problem ("Does the mind reside in the body?"), i think the question itself is illogical. The mind does not 'reside' anywhere. The mind is an abstract concept, it is not a physical object. It is even more tricky than this because the mind is basically everything we see, hear, think. The mind is all encompassing. So where does that reside? Certainly, changes in the body affect the mind. And so does changes in the environment(see embodied cognition). I don't think is the right question to ask. Rather, we should first try to find out how science can be used in the study of mind. Currently cognitive science as a field uses brain imaging data along with theories and models. This is not going to work. I have to think more deeply on this subject. Also, emotion influences rationality. And my own emotional state, as they change from day to day is observable but not easy to categorize. Since the observer itself is changing from hour to hour, the only means i have no means of recording such information accurately (here accurately means both encoding and decoding the information). It is like drinking alcohol. You will change as you drink, but it is near impossible to observe that change except as an external agent (Which does not exist - there is nothing external).

Day 231: Ok, a few things i have realized: 1) I cannot record changes so easily. 2) I have regressed to the mean. Basically what this means is that the environment is too conductive for my lazy side to capitulate on. Anyway, I am gonna work on that..as i have done in the past..100% failure rate. I have come to accept my failure especially in keeping records, as i am certainly not going to be able to accurately record the really important things that happen to me daily. Things happen to me daily, and there is no way to successfully categorize them because we create those categories, and when you have a certain amount of knowledge you cannot make yourself create those insufficient categories. You may not be able to access this knowledge, you may find yourself at a loss, doing things you aren't comfortable doing, but that is okay. Because it doesn't matter. There are no answers in this journal. There are no answers. There are no questions. Do you understand? Language creates perception, perception creates reality, reality creates language. It comes full circle, its a closed system simply because there are limits to input and output. Pramit, you choose a path..but now you are disappointed that you may not like what lies at the end, you are disappointed because you are not who you expected yourself to be. Then who are you? find out. again. The voice in your head is problematic, but who is he? find that out too.

Day 211: I got accepted into a masters program for cognitive science and neuroscience. The two disciplines (cognitive science and neuroscience) are related, they both try to answer the same questions, but in different ways. So this program is supposed to cover both aspects, and is the first course in india to do that. Of course if i go on a interview committee , they would look at the research i did and determine my specialization from that (or i would just tell them), but the amount of exposure to both fields is nice. Looking back, this is really a lucky break for me. For the first week i spent here, i was really able to focus myself. But as time passed on, i became a bit more comfortable, and now i have to resolve to fix the deficiencies in self discipline that i came with. While the change in environment and a structured learning environment certainly help, i cannot resolve my difficulties so easily. Thus, this journal..and many other ventures. An interesting perspective i have come across during my first few days is the way one of the professors look at scientific literature here. On my own, i look for factual information and not care about the scientists or what their personal intention was when they wrote something. But this guy, he's always looking for "hidden motives" behind everything the scientist says, and he is very good at giving critiques(or what sound like critiques). His perspective will rub off on me , and i am curious to see how these 2 years change me. I am making new records, new plans on how to live here, in a comfortable but not too comfortable state of existence, the best to keep me awake for the difficulties and sorrows to come. Emil Cioran is someone who i can follow for these times.

Day 161: It has been 21 days or 3 weeks since my last post. My sincere apologies! Missing out on journal posts makes me miss out on documenting my behaviour, and eventually i forget how i changed or what i did, which is kind of detrimental to the process of self development. Even more detrimental is not reading the journal(this or the other) enough. The most significant change(from the last 2-3 days) is the fact that i got accepted into a bioinformatics program. I am excited, but also a bit worried about my future (computer science is not exactly my bread and butter). I hope Pramit can take up this challenge. Current plan is to limit internet use to 2 hours a day. I know that i feel withdrawal tendencies whenever the internet goes out, which probably means i suffer from internet addiction(not new information). Will i succeed? Unlikely. Data collection of my success rate in achieving my goal goals is proceeding fine. I have missed a few days, but that is okay. I now know what activities i don't like to, and what activities are the easiest for me to do. Will this change anything? Time will tell. Now i know that a part of me wants to hear "progress" in this journal, and a part of me does not care for it. Of course the me right now is not seeking a progress report either. During the time between the last post and this one, i lost my way, found it, analyzed my way, lost my way again, picked up, discovered new insights(or at least i think they are new), discovered old insights, made up my determination once again, lost my determination, fell into depression, fell into ecstasy, and at some point along the way i decided it was finally time to write into this journal. There is no "priority" other than what i am prioritizing right now, which is self analysis. If that is the case, then i did have an episode or two of self analysis where i used my previous experience of my own behaviour to make up my future expectations for behaviour (i concluded that i shouldn't expect anything from myself with regards to the future given the failure in the past). I devised countermeasures (internet use reduction), but i also realize that this insufficient and too little too late. I also realize that "too late" is irrelevant in any scenario for a part of me. Lately, i realize the importance of sadness and despair in my life. This video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMOM34XEi2k&t=0s) spoke to me. Sleep is extremely important! Things i did: 1) Completed Week 2 of neuroscience 2) Started a course on negotiation 3) Applications to programs, exams given, looked at results and talked with students in those programs. Interesting fact : Ever wonder what happens to your neurons if they lose blood supply? No? Its very interesting to know. You don't really care? You want to ask how this is interesting ? Well, i am sorry but this is my journal so my interests are given a preference! It is called Paresthesia. Here is a great answer that explains it : https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-underlying-mechanism-that-causes-paresthesia-aka-the-pins-and-needles-sensation Rules : This is the last time i will post this rules section, unless i successfully implement it by the next time i post. I added another point - put chrome to full screen. This helps me avoid my impulse to jump tabs and check taskbar. 1) Write slower 2) Put every distraction in a new desktop (using windows 10), or at least make it difficult to access, so as to give yourself time to think, to prevent automatically doing that thing. After doing this, you can set timers or certain rules to govern how often you access the distractive elements. 3) Spend at least 3.5 minutes on each tab, do not switch between multiple tabs so easily. You are allowed to close the tab and read a book or walk around the house. After you are done, select a new activity and open its tab. If you are doing research on a subject using google or google scholar, write down what you want to search for in a piece of paper, and after 3.5 minutes you can search for it. Write down what you understood about that term after searching for it. If searching for an academic paper on a subject, spend 5 minutes reading that paper before moving on with something else. If you can't understand that paper, then write down what you do not understand, and search for it in the method i described. Rationale behind this : It is necessary to write it down, otherwise you will forget what you needed to search for after 3.5/5 minutes. Switching too quickly or searching too much will distract you and decrease comprehension of the main subject by overloading working memory(then you will lose interest and become even more distracted or frustrated). Even the most difficult subjects can be understood if you keep a calm mind, modulate your emotional state, and let go of expectations. 4) Every morning, when you have had enough sleep and you feel awake enough, spend some time(10-20 minutes at least) to read the things i have written in this journal and in many other journals that i have composed over the ages. 5) Make chrome full screen(F11) when browsing, reading, or learning.

Day 140: There has not been much progress since my last journal entry(18 days ago). I am still stuck in week 2 of medical neuroscience. I stopped maths for a while. I studied a bit of biophysics for my exam(there were around 3-4 exams during this period - quite stressful). I..stopped meditating for a week..which i have now resumed. I had to go out of state for one of the exams, and that was 2 days lost. The big thing that happened was, i installed skyrim(and 200 mods)..and i got hooked to it. I thought i could control myself, but i couldn't. So after 3-4 days, i deleted it. There is still a lingering desire..deep at times..to play skyrim. It is desire to explore the world of skyrim, see its beauty of it, and just interact with that world freely without (perceived) boundaries. This has also inadvertently led me to take a greater appreciation of the complexity and intricacy of some of the patterns in wood, stone, leaves, etc. Of course i am aware of how many times such events(me losing days due to a single video game) have happened, and i know i am addicted to many things(can you blame me?). I have always considered self-development or whatever this exercise is, to be a circular path, with its highs and lows (like life itself eh). Even if i fall to the lows, i know that i will eventually recover and go back to the state of mind that i have when i usually write these journals. There is no need for me to hold to the idea of psychic continuity, so i often make up a different personality during those times of mishap, perhaps to avoid conflict with my self identity. Exercise : try to understand different state of minds from a emotional or visceral perspective, using connections that you have formed to identify behavior. For example, what is the difference between Hank Green and a handicapped beggar on the railway tracks? Try to visualize it without intellectualizing it. Temperature is at an all time high, and a humidity of 66% doesn't help. Rules : 1) Write slower 2) Put every distraction in a new desktop (using windows 10), or at least make it difficult to access, so as to give yourself time to think, to prevent automatically doing that thing. After doing this, you can set timers or certain rules to govern how often you access the distractive elements. 3) Spend at least 3.5 minutes on each tab, do not switch between multiple tabs so easily. You are allowed to close the tab and read a book or walk around the house. After you are done, select a new activity and open its tab. If you are doing research on a subject using google or google scholar, write down what you want to search for in a piece of paper, and after 3.5 minutes you can search for it. Write down what you understood about that term after searching for it. If searching for an academic paper on a subject, spend 5 minutes reading that paper before moving on with something else. If you can't understand that paper, then write down what you do not understand, and search for it in the method i described. Rationale behind this : It is necessary to write it down, otherwise you will forget what you needed to search for after 3.5/5 minutes. Switching too quickly or searching too much will distract you and decrease comprehension of the main subject by overloading working memory(then you will lose interest and become even more distracted or frustrated). Even the most difficult subjects can be understood if you keep a calm mind, modulate your emotional state, and let go of expectations. 4) Every morning, when you have had enough sleep and you feel awake enough, spend some time(10-20 minutes at least) to read the things i have written in this journal and in many other journals that i have composed over the ages.

Day 122: Progress : I am stuck in medical neuroscience week 2, it will not be easy to finish the first quiz of the week. I hope i can progress in time, at this rate i will never be able to catch up to my friend who is also taking the course. I wish i didn't have an exam to deal with. I want to make a checklist from alan watt's video(i downloaded that video)..it will be useful. I keep finding new thoughts from alan watts videos, well, may not entirely new for me. Does this mean i am not reading my own journal, and i am forgetting stuff that i previously thought of? Mathematics is going splendidly. I like this pace. I finished Mindshift. It taught me valuable ideas about how to live and learn. I hope i can put them into practice. They are recorded in my journal. Read my journal pramit! Looking at my journal, the three activities i do the least are : Reviewing my studies, reading my journal, and studying japanese. I have come to an intuitive understanding of different emotional states producing different behavioral patterns. It is a simple thing, just conceptualizing two contrasting behaviors of mine and the state of mind that was present at that time. What factors are they based on? Are they based on time, lack of sleep, etc? Does self-care (a recent video from howtoadult was on this topic) reduce this in any way (my thought is that my addiction is a little more difficult to resolve)? Reading some old journal entries, i find it difficult to understand the point of view at that time and why it was significant(i only record when i feel my thoughts are significant). Have i grown older and more mature, or is my inability to understand my journal's point of a view due to a different mental state and nothing to do with experience (i.e i can understand my journal if i can get to the mental and emotional state in which i wrote it in)? Rules are not being followed at all. So much for this. I need to write down the rules in my notebook. I like changing some of the ways i distract myself. Instead of browsing reddit, i browse my journal. The two activities must not share much in common. For example, if i spend time reading, i must do an activity that involves something other than reading (may be watching a video - but that involves processing speech..hmm..). I got some really good advice from a friend. He linked visceral experience (feeling stuff) to intellectual understanding, and said that both are important for self development. Which is true. But he showed me a way to do this that i haven't thought of before, through "inter personal relationship". I have the book he read, so i will read it myself and find out what this is all about. It's really hot and my body feels sticky and sweaty. Rules : 1) Write slower 2) Put every distraction in a new desktop (using windows 10), or at least make it difficult to access, so as to give yourself time to think, to prevent automatically doing that thing. After doing this, you can set timers or certain rules to govern how often you access the distractive elements. 3) Spend at least 3.5 minutes on each tab, do not switch between multiple tabs so easily. You are allowed to close the tab and read a book or walk around the house. After you are done, select a new activity and open its tab. If you are doing research on a subject using google or google scholar, write down what you want to search for in a piece of paper, and after 3.5 minutes you can search for it. Write down what you understood about that term after searching for it. If searching for an academic paper on a subject, spend 5 minutes reading that paper before moving on with something else. If you can't understand that paper, then write down what you do not understand, and search for it in the method i described. Rationale behind this : It is necessary to write it down, otherwise you will forget what you needed to search for after 3.5/5 minutes. Switching too quickly or searching too much will distract you and decrease comprehension of the main subject by overloading working memory(then you will lose interest and become even more distracted or frustrated). Even the most difficult subjects can be understood if you keep a calm mind, modulate your emotional state, and let go of expectations. 4) Every morning, when you have had enough sleep and you feel awake enough, spend some time(10-20 minutes at least) to read the things i have written in this journal and in many other journals that i have composed over the ages.

Day 112: Progress : I have a much steadier sleep cycle now. Except on 2-3 days in this 10 day period, i had a constant sleep cycle of sleeping before 1AM and waking up before 8 AM. It has been a challenge however to follow the rules that i have laid down. Nearly all of them have failed except 3(which is the easiest to follow). The afternoon is the most difficult time for me to work, i feel sleepy and i don't much feel like doing anything. May be i should give myself a rest day each day, see how that works out. Studies are progressing steadily. Currently studying calculus, and still continuing with week 2 of medical neuroscience. I'll finish week 3 of mindshift by tomorrow. I find neuroanatomy rather tedious, but if i study a bit each day i should be able to cope with it and memorize it. I don't know what else to write here that will change the information i have when i am unable to keep myself in check(self regulate myself). I have a daily list of tasks that i am keeping track of, i intend to make a database out of it soon. The most helpful way to see changes in behaviour is to see if i can complete certain tasks each day. So far i haven't managed once to complete all of the tasks in my list, but i came close one day. Rules : 1) Write slower 2) Put every distraction in a new desktop (using windows 10), or at least make it difficult to access, so as to give yourself time to think, to prevent automatically doing that thing. After doing this, you can set timers or certain rules to govern how often you access the distractive elements. 3) Spend at least 3.5 minutes on each tab, do not switch between multiple tabs so easily. You are allowed to close the tab and read a book or walk around the house. After you are done, select a new activity and open its tab. If you are doing research on a subject using google or google scholar, write down what you want to search for in a piece of paper, and after 3.5 minutes you can search for it. Write down what you understood about that term after searching for it. If searching for an academic paper on a subject, spend 5 minutes reading that paper before moving on with something else. If you can't understand that paper, then write down what you do not understand, and search for it in the method i described. Rationale behind this : It is necessary to write it down, otherwise you will forget what you needed to search for after 3.5/5 minutes. Switching too quickly or searching too much will distract you and decrease comprehension of the main subject by overloading working memory(then you will lose interest and become even more distracted or frustrated). Even the most difficult subjects can be understood if you keep a calm mind, modulate your emotional state, and let go of expectations. 4) Every morning, when you have had enough sleep and you feel awake enough, spend some time(10-20 minutes at least) to read the things i have written in this journal and in many other journals that i have composed over the ages.

Day 102: Progress : Currently in medical neuroscience week 2, mindshift week 2, practicing violin semi regularly, practicing meditation semi regular (from regular), slept properly 6/7 days(Feel drowsy during afternoon regardless). Got lots more done in very early morning , if i manage to wake up. Important advice : How to overcome sleep induced paralysis and the panic - Sometimes it feels like if i sleep, i will never wake up. I often have difficulty waking up and confuse sleep like dreaming with waking up. A simple solution is to fix an alarm. Getting up to set the alarm in the middle of sleep cycle(if i just woke up) can make it difficult to fall asleep again. Project is a failure, according to internal observation. Not only have i failed to keep myself in check using the rule list, i have lost my meditation routine which i developed for at least 2 months. Rule 3 is easiest to maintain, but doing so doesn't really help much. Pro tip: Don't underestimate the effect of music on cognition. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVejU0aTQCs Should i keep the current rules? Or should i discard some of them? Let's observe for one more week. Rules (for now) : 1) When changing tabs, or clicking to a new place - close your eyes. 2) Write slower 3) Put every distraction in a new desktop (using windows 10), or at least make it difficult to access, so as to give yourself time to think, to prevent automatically doing that thing. After doing this, you can set timers or certain rules to govern how often you access the distractive elements. 4) Spend at least 3.5 minutes on each tab, do not switch between multiple tabs so easily. You are allowed to close the tab and read a book or walk around the house. After you are done, select a new activity and open its tab. If you are doing research on a subject using google or google scholar, write down what you want to search for in a piece of paper, and after 3.5 minutes you can search for it. Write down what you understood about that term after searching for it. If searching for an academic paper on a subject, spend 5 minutes reading that paper before moving on with something else. If you can't understand that paper, then write down what you do not understand, and search for it in the method i described. Rationale behind this : It is necessary to write it down, otherwise you will forget what you needed to search for after 3.5/5 minutes. Switching too quickly or searching too much will distract you and decrease comprehension of the main subject by overloading working memory(then you will lose interest and become even more distracted or frustrated). Even the most difficult subjects can be understood if you keep a calm mind, modulate your emotional state, and let go of expectations. 5) Every morning, when you have had enough sleep and you feel awake enough, spend some time(10-20 minutes at least) to read the things i have written in this journal and in many other journals that i have composed over the ages. Every day seems to have a new motivation for me. It is impossible to internalize something as abstract as an objective or a goal and keep the same emotions day in day out. This is known (see previous frustrations from journals).

Day 95: Completed "Music as biology". Start of intense preparation for the entrance exams. Can deal with all conceptual topics now. Have plenty of time still. Project is a half hearted success, and not a complete failure as i predicted(then again, its only been 4 days so i can't really say anything definitively). Some rules followed all of the time, all rules followed some of the time. I also got some good sleep in the last 2 days. An interesting observation is that once i start studying seriously, while the mental strain might make me want to distract myself every now and then, its never as bad as when i am fully committed to getting distracted. So self stimulation(no, not masturbation) is like a feedback loop, it wants more and more. However, intense mental strain from studying can involuntarily cause me to lose focus and get distracted. In such situations it would be helpful to remind myself that neither my emotions nor my perspective is reflective of objective reality(to get out of my head as they say). The field of psychology is struggling to find the answers that i seek. My own experiments with myself remind me of the studies that were done on mental and cognitive strain. In one study you see glucose increasing the time you spend on a puzzle, in another study you show the effects of environmental priming increasing that instead. It's complicated, and its near impossible to establish control element. The hypothesis that willpower is like a muscle which can get sore when overused, does not fit in with certain studies that were done where it was shown that environmental priming bypassed and increased will power arbitrarily. We don't know the physiological/cellular components of will power, all we know is the brain region for self discipline. My hypothesis is that will power developed as a part of the subjective reality we experience, as a selectivity filter so that we only take up certain tasks. Since our bodies can only put limited resources, and making new synapses and myelin costs energy, the will power phenomenon puts us at an advantage and an ability to specialize in performing certain tasks. This would make it a relict from the past, since we are now able to produce excess resources. Then there is the elusive "flow" state where we abandon the concept of will power entirely, and the brain can focus with reckless abandon. Funny that this intense ability to focus is a symptom of ADHD. Perhaps i am misunderstanding this entirely and nothing called will power exists in reality, it is all fabricated by culture. And perhaps this misunderstanding is preventing me from understanding the real mechanism behind what i perceive as mental strain and difficulty in doing mental tasks. I like playing these games with myself. I still want a more convenient place to put up my rule lists. The most convenient place would be the back of my head, but my head cannot be trusted in the medium and long term. The second most convenient place is this laptop, Maybe i'll start my own blog when i learn how to successfully manipulate myself. No changes to the rule list Rules (for now) : 1) When changing tabs, or clicking to a new place - close your eyes. 2) Write slower 3) Put every distraction in a new desktop (using windows 10), or at least make it difficult to access, so as to give yourself time to think, to prevent automatically doing that thing. After doing this, you can set timers or certain rules to govern how often you access the distractive elements. 4) Spend at least 3.5 minutes on each tab, do not switch between multiple tabs so easily. You are allowed to close the tab and read a book or walk around the house. After you are done, select a new activity and open its tab. If you are doing research on a subject using google or google scholar, write down what you want to search for in a piece of paper, and after 3.5 minutes you can search for it. Write down what you understood about that term after searching for it. If searching for an academic paper on a subject, spend 5 minutes reading that paper before moving on with something else. If you can't understand that paper, then write down what you do not understand, and search for it in the method i described. Rationale behind this : It is necessary to write it down, otherwise you will forget what you needed to search for after 3.5/5 minutes. Switching too quickly or searching too much will distract you and decrease comprehension of the main subject by overloading working memory(then you will lose interest and become even more distracted or frustrated). Even the most difficult subjects can be understood if you keep a calm mind, modulate your emotional state, and let go of expectations. 5) Every morning, when you have had enough sleep and you feel awake enough, spend some time(10-20 minutes at least) to read the things i have written in this journal and in many other journals that i have composed over the ages.

Day 91 : Almost done with week 4 of "Music as biology". Applied to a maximum number of post graduate programs. For some time now i have been fascinated with the idea of trying to lead a "slow life" , a life of contemplation. In this age of information, we are bombarded with distractions and compulsions. Everything from music, art, even education, is made in some degree to entertain. Our brains adapt to this, and expect to be entertained every now and then. To rid myself of this, i have tried some projects - all of which have failed. Still, the data gathered with respect to my habits, is very useful. This journal, and my meditation habit, have been somewhat stable(comparatively). So i have to decided to put down some rules and guidelines with how i use my time, and how i approach technology. My goal is to make sure that i read and understand these rules, and partially implement them (i do not expect to succeed if i want to do it completely). The previous failure were due to a lack of accessibility. By this, i mean the feelings and motivations were inaccessible when i needed them, and i had no incentive at that time to access them myself. This journal on the other hand, is always there when i need it. Rules (for now) : 1) When changing tabs, or clicking to a new place - close your eyes. 2) Write slower 3) Put every distraction in a new desktop (using windows 10), or at least make it difficult to access, so as to give yourself time to think, to prevent automatically doing that thing. After doing this, you can set timers or certain rules to govern how often you access the distractive elements. 4) Spend at least 3.5 minutes on each tab, do not switch between multiple tabs so easily. You are allowed to close the tab and read a book or walk around the house. After you are done, select a new activity and open its tab. If you are doing research on a subject using google or google scholar, write down what you want to search for in a piece of paper, and after 3.5 minutes you can search for it. Write down what you understood about that term after searching for it. If searching for an academic paper on a subject, spend 5 minutes reading that paper before moving on with something else. If you can't understand that paper, then write down what you do not understand, and search for it in the method i described. Rationale behind this : It is necessary to write it down, otherwise you will forget what you needed to search for after 3.5/5 minutes. Switching too quickly or searching too much will distract you and decrease comprehension of the main subject by overloading working memory(then you will lose interest and become even more distracted or frustrated). Even the most difficult subjects can be understood if you keep a calm mind, modulate your emotional state, and let go of expectations. 5) Every morning, when you have had enough sleep and you feel awake enough, spend some time(10-20 minutes at least) to read the things i have written in this journal and in many other journals that i have composed over the ages.

Day 88 : Sometimes i forget the purpose of this journal : to make long term observations. There is some good news, i got accepted as an intern. The job is unpaid, but the professor is decent enough and i have no other options, so i am going to take this. The only problem is that i have upcoming entrance exams and interviews, and i cannot do both. Not unless the project lasts less than a month. The ideal solution would be to postpone the internship, only accepting the offer when i have made a decision for what i am going to do this year. But of course i don't have enough information in my hands to know if the professor will accept such a proposal. I could just ask but i feel that there are some risks in asking. (Edit : Another reason i forgot to mention, a possible motivation to taking the internship, is the change of environment that I so desperately want, and a source of motivation that can induce me to self study further) I am still doing the course "music as biology" - i should have this course completed by the end of day 95. I intend to review molecular biology, statistics, and computational biology. I need to study the core concepts in physics,chemistry and maths in order to prepare for those pesky entrance exams. Have been slacking off on meditation. I did around 10 minutes of meditation yesterday, which was also on the roof in a really windy situation (i made love to the wind). Yeah..i need to pick up pace again. Most interesting trivia this week : https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19575566 (predatory bacteria, the mechanism by which it finds bacteria to eat is most interesting)

Day 81: Oh god, 16 days have passed since i last posted in this journal. My deepest apologies to the part of this self that wanted to keep this journal. I came back from the interview, i was slightly depressed by the fact that i didn't make it. If it was a simple issue of not performing well enough, i would have accepted it and used the experience for later. But the fact is that there is literally nothing i could have done to improve my "performance", i did everything right, and i still failed, for reasons beyond me. So while i usually hold no expectations for these things, because really most factors are(statistically) beyond my control, i was a bit sad about having to travel a thousand kilometers and spend all that resource only to gain nothing. Anyway, after coming back, well, i spent 1 or 2 days trying to do my utmost in studies. Then i got distracted, AGAIN, with fallout 4. I had fallout 4 on my desktop for literally 1 year, and i never found the interest to play it. But this time i got hooked to it. The timing was perfect, the game is amazingly addictive as rpg's go, and i of course have a susceptibility to forming compulsive behaviors. Sigh..i just wish i knew how to get "addicted" to studies. Also, an interesting point to note is that i wrote today's post after a streak of inspiration late at night. It is important to observe the cues. I view the world as a system, just at different levels, Emergence, associations, the path of least resistance, these are the ways of the human mind, and they reflect in the way i see the world too. They are of course entirely theoretical concepts supported by evidence, another hypothesis. This is enough rambling i suppose. If you are a human who is reading this, you are interpreting it based on your associations, whatever it may be. I had two questions(that i don't want to pursue) : Social ridicule in the sciences - the fear of asking the inappropriate question to a audience that may not appreciate it or understand it, and being ridiculed by the community. How can it be excised at the level of a community? How can other people help develop the feeling of trust so that you can ask or pursue whatever you like? Complexity - can information truly be dense or complex? What is the difference between small arrangement of things, and a big arrangement of things? Is the word "complexity" unique to information processing organisms like us, or is it a feature of the world?

Day 65: Ah, it has been 19 days since i last posted in this journal. The problem was that i forgot to post here, then i procrastinated. At first i thought i had posted previously, only to realize later on that almost a week had passed. Then i just..forgot, or procrastinated. So what is going on here? Well, the way i think about it is this : My behaviour is correlated to my neural and cognitive activities(in cognitive psychology terms, all learning is preceded by formation of "chunks", which might be microcircuits in the brain. For now let's assume my complex behaviour arises due to associations between these chunks). To choose something over another, means that one chunk is dominating over the other chunk. When i meditate, these chunks are prioritized, in the same way as fear and anxiety are prioritized in terrible circumstances. Think of yourself as a puppet with strings. If the puppet is pulled to the left, the puppet studies diligently. If pulled to the left, the puppet becomes distracted and does some other activity. Who is the puppeteer? The environment. So if you ever feel like you cannot escape the clutches of your persistent behavioral patterns, or if you feel trapped, perhaps this information will change something. Remember there is no "you", so who does this information influence? This question is irrelevant. There is no trap to begin with, just as there is no "you" to begin with. So it is not possible for "you" to be engaged with a persistent addiction or depression or what have you. You might think this is quite the leap of logic, but remember what i just wrote : You need the appropriate chunks to process this information. So really, there is no way you can understand this unless you already do. Things that happened : 1) Finished MITx 7.28.3x. I am satisfied with my final grade(80%). 2) On week 2 of music as biology. 3) Spent 3 days playing Civ 6 after downloading the new patch. (I used the excuse "Let me play just one game and see what the new patch does") 4) Spent 2-3 more days playing other games - like..well, i won't mention the name since they are just addictive as hell. Interview at IITGN in 4 days.. Random trivia : Squirting cucumber..look it up.

Day 46: I went to see a japanese cinema, i finished applying for all the summer projects i could, and i talked to someone who i didn't talk to in a long time. I have sent many emails over these last couple of days. None of them produced a conclusive result. Although i am grateful to get replies from people who i thought wouldn't even bother to reply. I just can't get over the feeling of having some kind of expectation..i keep checking my emails like a idiot, knowing its not the right thing to do. It's gotten so bad that i had to block gmail(again). The worst part is the feeling of anxiety. I will continue to observe these things, as they are part of me. Things i did : 1) Went a long distance to see one japanese cinema and walk a lot with a friend 2) MITx 7.28.3x continued! 3) Music as biology - still at week 1 4) Send many emails, not expecting a reply to any of them. Distractions : 1) Youtube - I find myself binge watching youtube as a means to cope with the emotional stress from having too much expectation. Have blocked it to compensate, but i still end up watching way too much on certain days. I reaffirm my desire to change my brain in a way that influences the activities and efficacy i have in my day to day life. If my destiny is to be the dog chasing the car, then i will let it be. Because "I" am already everything.

Day 40: I am the creator and the created, the maker and the made, the tool and the wielder, the thinker and the thought. I am an idea in this language, a sensation in another language, a reality in yet another language. I am the letters that you read right now. You will never understand me, but you will always read me. If you think the question is "who am i?" you are sorely mistaken, for the answer has already been spoken the moment you asked. I am "who am i". Still confused? Well, that's okay, your destiny is to find yourself over and over again. My destiny is to die. Things i did: 1) Spent the day sending one application after another to summer visiting programs for student research. I felt tired and mentally exhausted. 2) Saw a video on clathrin mediated endocytosis and ultrafast endocytosis.

Day 39: I finished reading the book on internet distractions. It was a good read and i agree with the general idea from the author. I do not like the fact that he rant's a bit too much, i would rather have more substance instead. I will look at the links in the reference section and see if i can know more about the subject. Things i did : 1) Continuation of MITx 2) Meditation 1 hour(or more) a day 3) Started Music as biology - a course on phenomenology of music 4) Practiced japanese Distractions : 1) Youtube is still the primary distraction. For a long time i cant seem to get rid of my habit in seeing youtube videos. Little by little i am getting better at controlling which actions i respond to, and whether i can succeed in responding to those. 2) The shallows - a book on internet distractions : This has given me a bit more insight into my current problem of addiction to the internet. The simplest solution is to simply get rid of the internet, but i can't do that yet. I can get rid of superficial reasoning , like "i have to do it", "i need to be connected to these people", etc. I made a list of all the reference i could be interested in further exploring, so i hope i use my spare time to do that. The best way to teach a subject, from what i observed, is to make the student try to come up with the answers that people struggled with. And when they are stumped, give them the answer. It is rewarding to have a solution that you understand, to a problem that you have invested yourself into. I was watching one professor do this in a lecture on how upstream ORF's are regulated in GCN4. First you tell the problem, then you give the data from the experiments and only at the very end do you give away the solution. I have also been looking into how our brain is able to read, and i need to look up the pathway and theory on that. Also, what makes certain activities "fun", i really want to get into that question.

Day 33: I met a person with whom i talked about neuroscience. It is rare that i get to meet someone who shares some of the same thoughts and ideas that i do about the world. We shared resources. I still feel very lethargic in the morning. I wonder if this is because of a disrupted circadian rhythm or because of something worse (like problems in blood circulations). My sleep cycle yesterday lasted 5 hours at night, after which i woke up for a few hours (couldn't get to sleep no matter what). Then i went to sleep again, for 3 hours. After waking up, at around 11 AM, i struggled to stay awake. Then i fell asleep at 12 AM(or was it 1PM?). I slept for around 1 hour. It was mostly REM sleep, i remember the dream i had. It was very short sleep, but i did not feel sleepiness afterwards. Right now i don't feel sleep at all. Now i do have abnormal sleep cycle sometimes (ok, most of the time), so this isn't abnormal by any standards..but this has been happening for a while now and i would like it to stop. I think my study environment is really bad, i basically study on my bed most of the time. I have no choice because sitting on the chair is uncomfortable, and there are mosquitoes that make life hell for me (i can't stand mosquito repellants). I do occasionally use my chair. My body might adjust once i am forced to have a morning routine again. I am reading a book on internet distractions. Well, the author describes the internet as something akin to a crossword puzzle, you have to make short term decisions relatively quickly. This has the effect of increasing your cognitive load, decreasing retention and making it harder to focus on the task at hand. But far more interesting is the fact that our brains are wired to be effectively exploited by the internet. Now i have a better understanding of the cues that i need to respond to if i have to decrease the detrimental effects of being on the internet. Less clickity click, more focus on the task at hand, decrease overall time spent on the internet if possible. Things i did - 1) Continue with MITx, now week 5 2) Meditation Distractions - 1) Reading "The shallows" - a book on internet distractions 2) I spent about 3 hours on youtube, watching a mix of entertainment and educational videos. For eg, I learnt a neat trick with binder clips and space suits can induce claustrophobia. Most interesting was this video by alan watts

Day 32: I got sick for 3 days. On the second day, i took a different attitude towards my sickness. I felt gratitude about my environment. And that helped make the sickness much more bearable. I also had a day of full depression. Up's and down's. I still have a running nose, but my ability to work is unhindered. Emotionally, i feel very drained. I slept for a good 12-14 hours today. I want to restrict my internet use to 2 hours a day. I must admit that i find it difficult to write this journal right now. There's not much new information. The birds still sing, the sun still comes up. There is "information" information, but everything has been revisited before, falling into a recognizable pattern. Things i did - 1) Continue meditation practice for 1 - 2 hours a day 2) Continue with mitx - now on week 5 Distraction - 1) Fever - 3 days 2) Finished "The house of fata morgana" - 10/10 great vn, and music. Teaches you the value of perspective and why you shouldn't commit fundamental attribution error. 3) watching youtube videos on my subscription list(all educational content), sometimes watching late night show or simpsons 4) Breaking bad season 3. Upcoming - see above post. I want to take "music as biology" course too.

Day 23: I failed my university entrance exam. This means that it is now considerably more difficult to get the kind of work i want to do in my masters, because i have a limited range of universities to choose from. This is a temporary setback that i will overcome in time. Things i did : 1) Completed MITx third week, now on the fourth. 2) Continue meditation habit 3) Went to my cousins house to continue relationship with their family Distractions : 1) Spent 2 days at my cousin's house. Tried to do some japanese and MITx homework here, but ultimately not very productive. 2) Oversleeping, pondering things for too long, hesitating to work.. 3) Watching youtube videos of stuff i like. As a result, i have blocked youtube during certain parts of the day (i have done this sort of thing before). Upcoming : I have to fix an appointment with a scientist in the field. I contacted this professor through email , and i asked her to give me some advice, so i was invited to talk with her instead. I need to find a good day and prepare some questions to ask. I know what i want, and i know one way to get there. So what do i need from her? I can ask for work, but its very unlikely that they have the resources to allow someone like me to work there. It would be better if i could volunteer..but i am not sure what response i would get to this as in india you typically can't volunteer for this sort of thing.

Day 19 : Currently i am anxiously waiting for the results of my exams. I am also in the middle of MITx Translation. I finished reading Grisaia no meikyuu, and i really enjoyed it. I am waiting for the 3rd part of the vn series, which will come out much later. I will try not to go outside anymore, since going outside ruins my health in the short term. Maybe its the air pollution here, but i get a headache and muscle pain when i get back. Things i did : 1) Continue MITx translation, will finish 3rd week by tuesday 2) Continue meditation habit - but i am not enforcing it as strictly as i can 3) Went outside the house to the botanical garden to look at plants and trees. Distractions : 1) grisaia no meikyuu - remaining short stories 2) Crash course chemistry. Hank is such a cool dude. Things to do : Continue studying. Read "Letters to a young scientist" What i am worried about : I wanted to study my masters from outside india. Going outside my country is something i need to experience at this age, besides all the good research is outside. I need to give the GRE and TOEFL, but there's not enough time. I do regret moping in depression a few months ago. At this point, the overarching fear is a lack of information. There is so much to learn, but there isn't enough time to learn everything. I am happy with the current state of things, content with how i am right now. But every now and then i can't help but be worried about how i am proceeding with my plan...the state of preparation is insufficient. I do not have any desire to visit my family , but i feel guilty if i do not. The current societal structure being what it is, i find myself trapped in the self imposed context of our culture. I know it is a product of imagination, but i also know a great deal more about myself than i did previously. All metaphysical knowledge acts against 'me'. Anyway, that is a riddle i must solve tomorrow. Random Trivia : The scientist who invented the field of chemistry, got his head chopped off during the french revolution, during the period of mass chaos. Scientists in the older days lived in pretty dramatic circumstances.

It has been a full one week. Currently, i am giving exams on math,physics, chemistry as a revision for potential academic tests. I am currently waiting for the results of my applications. I would like to give the TOEFL test and GRE sometime and go outside my country to study for my masters or phd. Things i did: 1) COMPLETED WRITING STATEMENT OF INTEREST and sent my application. 2) Finished second week of MITx, onto the 3rd week! 3) Kept up meditation habit, studied math,physics,chem to prepare for the exams Distractions: 1) Grisaia no meikyuu - possibly 60-70% of my free time is used reading this vn 2) youtube.com - 1-2 hours per day Things i want to do : Continue learning Random trivia : Read the paper i have attached. Its very interesting. ramachandran1996.pdf