Pramit

I think you are fine the way you are. In fact, I think its better that you are the way you are. Its rare to find individuals who pay so much attention to people around them. They should treasure you. Though sometimes I wish people were more honest, rather than trying not to hurt me.

I do desire it, but I don't have the experience to know whether its something I truly want. I am not entirely clear on what it means to have a real emotional connection, still debating with myself on that point. As long as I desire it, I'll probably work towards it, consciously or unconsciously. Then it just becomes a struggle between fear and expectation. Que sera sera. To give what I want to receive..that is a great idea. Thank you for your insight. Indeed it is. When I first created it, I was hoping I'd be more proactive. But right now, I am thankful that I still post, however infrequently. I do keep an offline journal that is bigger and more of a "Guide to living for me". Its difficult to put the more sensitive issues here (and also my offline journal is more convenient). I see that you have a journal as well, good good.

3 months have passed since my last post. The truth is , I didn't succeed in overcoming my state of disorder. The help came from outside. The lesson I learnt is that I am still not strong enough to overcome this little problem of mine. I must never underestimate my problem ever again. It was a humbling experience. I am going to give the GRE general exam soon. Along with that I have two national level exams for my subject coming up (which I will mostly likely not qualify, but I'm preparing nonetheless). Most of all, and this is the best part, I have finally regained order in my life , for now. Bit by bit, I am remembering how it felt to be me. I will also be moving to a new city come december, a change of environment is just what I need. I remember the days where I walked alone on the university grounds. Thinking back, I was mostly alone there. But, somehow it didn't feel like that at all. Not all memories have to describe something extremely memorable or descriptive. I remember the times I went all alone into the dark auditorium, listening to some music. The walks I took alone, sometimes walking long distances watching the skies. Long stretches of road, completely deserted. It was like that world was my personal garden. Sometimes getting lost and returning home very tired. The late nights I spent in the lab. There was always someone there to talk to, well, most of the time. I didn't really like being completely alone in that old building, it was too spooky. But even the memory of getting spooked is somehow nostalgic. Mm..it was not bad. If I have one small regret, may be I should have tried getting closer to people. May be I should have tried harder. I should not judge someone by their external appearences or personality, but think about what that appearence means for that person, and how their thoughts are moulded by society's reaction to that. I had some enjoyable discussions with many people, but in the end they could not fill the hole. The discussions were like playing games, we would gain some perspective of each other, but in the end the core problem remained. They were satisfying, but quickly forgotten. I think only conversations with myself really work, or someone with excellent intuition. There was one or two people like that, and I could not get close to them at all. I am just very bad at socializing, I just want to jump into something that satisfies me (A good discussion) and I am too impatient to wait for the other person I think I realized something today. People are good at answering questions, but they are really bad at understanding the question. Thus their answer reflects what they themselves want to hear, not what needs to be said at that moment.

Yes not only selfish, but also cruel. Bullying in elementary school can be really harsh. I don't understand why they put "neuroscience" or anything "Science" in there, because clearly it has nothing to do with science. Inflammed nervous system? What? Why can't spiritual "gurus" be honest instead of acting like snake oil salesmen? You don't need to preach "science" when you don't understand even the fundamentals of what science is.

I am a hikikomori too. Perhaps you should introduce her to me. She might find it easier to socialize with a fellow hikikomori!

Did you see zizek's critique of buddhism? Its not related to zen buddhism specifically but he does mention a few things that can be applied to zen buddhism as well.

just play some video games. I promise you, within a month you will have forgotten everything

Ok, time for an update. Its been long enough. Current projects : Philosophy reading (heidegger, schopenhauer, wittinstein, emil cioran), learning html, learning a new skill like drawing, finding new avenues for employment, learning logic, learning maths (advanced), re learning violin, leading a healthy lifestyle, quitting addiction. With regards to my addiction, I have fallen very low after my MSc. I have had the same anxieties I had a long time ago regarding work completion and self efficacy, and I fell under the spell of addiction to try to curb these anxieties. Now I am aware that life isn't serious, but it still sucks when you live like a zombie. I am not a hamster on whell, and this year's main project is going to deal with the most fundamental problem in my life - addiction and anxiety (yes these two go hand in hand). Take acceptable risks, exciting ones anyway, and don't be afraid to do things. In fact, seek failure not success. Success isn't guranteed and often outside our grasp, but if you fail you know you are doing something right. Even if you fail at everything, if you can just get rid of the addiction issue I would consider my life to be one of the best that has ever been lived by this consciousness. To give an example, I uploaded some videos I took on termites yesterday. I didn't want to do it at all. I was afraid that no one would appreciate it, that people would steal the videos and use it for research without crediting me, that I would be looked down upon for selfish self promotion. Most of all, I didn't want to take the effort and get no returns. The effort always scares me sometimes. But when you do it, it consumes you and you become it. At least one person found my videos very useful. And even though those videos will remain in the dustbin of youtube (Because the average human doesn't care about termite mating behaviour), I felt very happy when one person(who studies eusocial insects) found my videos useful. I don't care if you use my videos without crediting me, at least my effort benefited you. I need to do my homework, but I don't know where to even start. Its been a month or two I think, and I haven't really started. The videos I took to up the sample numbers have serious problems, and I can't use it. So what do I even do now. Should I just give up? No. I am once again fearing failure. I will do it bit by bit, for my sake, for proper documentation, to learn how to use statistics with my project. But first I gotta finish my philosophy readings! Fun times.

JP has some..interesting ideas. Let's just leave it at that. Anyone seeking philosophy or anything other than knowledge of psychology from him are well advised not to.

Whatever Little I understand - 1) The truth is worthless. So don't bother. What is possible is to get a glimpse of the truth for a moment. But that isn't really a good idea, as it leads to the kind of confusion you see in this thread. It leads to more trouble than its worth. Better to just live a simple life and die. 2) "You" cannot be set free. "You" are trapped till the age of experiences cease to exist. It doesn't matter hard hard "You" try. 3) You were already free from the very beginning. Because you are existence itself. How can you not be free?

Or people doing masters in science.

Now that my MSc has come to an end, it is time to reflect. While working, I think I was happy. Or it was as close to happiness as possible. Perhaps not happiness, but satisfaction. Could my life have been more comfortable? yes. Did it have its bad parts? of course. Money problems were the worst part, and living in a small uncomfortable room with another guy was the second worst part. But I survived, and I learnt many things. Most important thing that a long term (4+ months) successful project (where you give maximum effort) teaches you is what you can actually achieve with consistent effort. Now I understand my limits and what I can create in a short span of time, and in a moderate span of time. It makes me more confident that I can create more things in the future if I work myself sufficiently. I am more clear about what I want to do in the immediately future. Which is more of the present. But things might change after staying home for a few days and experiencing luxury (relative) again. I also met a lot of people, and got relatively close to a few. I understood people who hate each other, and I saw the irrational ways people perceive each other, especially when they are wounded by them. The lie they believe once they are wounded. A good lie isn't completely false, but is based on true facts being perceived in a way that is not true. A lie based on a fact does not make it the truth (see zizek). I am also more clear on who I want to be, and who I really am. I can do things unburdered from the perception of others, and yet I still take care not to risk too much in getting this freedom, for personal injury is quite easy to get to. I am calm and measured when I talk, and I can change my tone depending on who I talk to. My personality has become more stable.

Same idea as the idea we do not exist, that the ego is only a small part of the overall scheme of things. Are we ghosts? Looking at how I operate my life, based on ideas and rituals that mean nothing, I am not the identity I constructed for myself, and yet I believe I am, living my life as such. Am I possessed by a ghost? Its an interesting idea. That evolution of complex social traits necessiates the possession by a ghost!

Why are people set in such a way as to not understand each other? In the past, I longed for someone to understand me. I was..no, am, a outcast, an introvert, a weird kid. I have had very few friends to share my thoughts with. There was always a part of me that longed for a companion that understood me. And I have tried reaching out, trying to find people with similar ideas, or those with dissimilar ideas but willing to have a conversation. But no matter what, I could not find someone who would hand me the answer. I found people who lived interesting and rich lives, yet I cannot understand them and they cannot understand me...and any momentary understanding was an illusion. It is difficult to connect without using the right words, the right body language. And if you do connect, it is an illusion produced by you in order to protect yourself in society. All of it is a game. Forums like these were no different of course. I had to convince myself that I should write this post, knowing that I rarely read any of my previous posts. I didn't want to write it in a place where more people would view it, because that is not necessary anymore. The answer to the question I posed is simple. People understand each other perfectly. Think of interacting atoms. The collision is governed by fundamental rules of the universe, or miracles. People aren't atoms, but we are not outside the universe either, the same rules apply us - because are made of atoms. People understand each other by not being able to understand each other. The things we do with each other, whether its a simple nod, or a disagreement, or a murder due to a simple misunderstand, it is all part of the elaborate game. There is no scope of misunderstanding anymore, it is simply not possible. But I guess that explanation may not be satisfying for some. Then - Are you alone? Don't worry, you will always have me. I will watch over you for eternity. I love you.

The human drama. No matter how much perspective I have on it, I cannot understand it. In the same way that I do not understand the words I type here. It is a mainfest of desires and circumstances, both alien to the human being. To be happy, we need a story. Because happiness must be something that has to be achieved, to be created out of nothing. To create it, we have the story. A counterpart to happiness is necessary in the form of despair. Could you be happy without accepting the ideas of the world, without creating a story for yourself? Can you move the world without moving yourself? The evolution of humans required the evolution of social complexity and social constructs. That created an ability to self-value, and the ability to create a story of life. A description that goes beyond the mundane existence of beasts. Or has it really gone beyond that? I really doubt that ants know their own form. The nature of suffering is linked to the nature of desire, and the manipulation of the world to fulfill it.

I am 2 months away from completing my 4th and last semester here. Work is progressing. That is all I can say. I have worked hard this time, and I feel a sense of fulfillment in working hard for something I agree with. Or at least not depressed. My advisor is very good and praises me a lot for small things. That is the kind of advisor I want for myself - someone who is chill, very knowledgable, and praises you sometimes. Thanks to that I was able to work myself like a horse and get some things done. I hope this will continue for the rest of the semester. I don't know whether the next 2 months would be productive or would yield results, and that scares me sometimes. That is part of doing research, you don't know whether what you do will work in the way you hope. The men and women doing science every day are to be praised for their courage. I don't want to apply for a phd just yet. It is too early for me I feel, plus I don't think I can do this for 5 years with the same advisor. Working on a single problem for so long can get really boring. But I still want to do science, because I think that's the best way for me to use my time. So I might try interning to getting a research position somewhere. But I have no plans as of yet, and time is ticking.

I came to the same conclusion as well at some point, that the best approach is to cause mass extinctions. Then life is just a cancer on the universe. But the problem here is that you are rationalizing too much. It is like Thanos in the new avengers movie deciding that the only way to save life is to kill half of it. It is a lack of imagination.

I don't agree that I have to feel remorse for the suffering of others, or the suffering I inflict on others. Hear me out. I do feel remorse and I will never hurt another being knowingly. But there is no rational argument for it, even if you are a buddhist. Lets say you are going to be reborn as the person who suffererd under you. So what? I will curse myself and die? That's all it amounts to. With time the pain will pass, with death the memory will vanish. The only reason I feel remose is because of my ability to put myself in that situation and have my brain tell me "oh that's not what I want to feel". But that "want" is wrong, desire is wrong, clinging is wrong. You cannot desire to not suffer. Also, the one doing the suffering is not outside the system. If you believe that you are somehow an alien that can make others suffer, you are wrong. Everything you do is intentional. Even if the world kills you right now, its an intentional act that you do on yourself. So why feel guilt for doing something to yourself? Also, another point that Alan Watts raises is that too often we believe that "doing what we want to do" is something new. That no one else in the history of the universe thought to himself "I can do whatever I want with no consequences". I am sure there are kings that actually could and did do whatever they wanted. And where are they now? Who are they now? What happened to all their actions, their lives, their memories? All returned to dust. Only I exist now. And in another reality only you will exist.

Doesn't matter, your memories wont carry over. And suffering is necessary for life anyway , it is the only way this sytem can exist. The problem is that you are afraid of suffering. Remember that the entire reason Budda left his life of luxury is to find the solution to the problem of suffering. Any other problem of life pales in comparison.

I am feeling extremely depressed and anxious. I am having a hard time doing any productive work. Waking up in the morning is hard. I managed to do some work today nonetheless. Tomorrow I should meet with my guide and continue work. However, I doubt I have the strength to meet him in person and tell him I haven't done much work since the vacation started. Ugh. Its a terrible cycle - I do no work, I feel depressed, I forget things because I didn't work, I feel more depressed. The only way to quit is to realize where I am at right now, and to just blunt force my way through things. Talk to people even if I don't know what to say. Work even if I don't know where to start. Start little by little. That's the best I can do right now. Oh well! Whoever reads this, I wish you a very happy new year! Do the things you want to do, don't worry about public relations, keep up a minimum front so society doesn't inhibit you. For my new year I want to do two things : 1) Find out alternative sources of income 2) Curb my addiction completely I have written down small steps that can lead to it. I still want to pursue neuroscience, but I think its best if I gain some other skills as well so that I don't become desperate. To enjoy something, you must not cling to it.

The worthless truth of this world : We are all one. Our lives ended before they began. The world is void. Truth is a void. All truth is meaningless. You cannot experience truth. You cannot tell a lie. You cannot create a paradox. Your words are just words - empty vibrations in the air. Your thoughts are just synapses - electrical firings in the brain. You cannot understand it and you never will. You cannot understand your own nature through your own knowledge. And no, you cannot fucking meditate or trip yourself or "Experience" it either. That is a fucking lie, a comfortable delusion that the ego has created. Its the trap of the spiritual kind. Just because you know about the ego doesn't mean you understand it. Everything you do is worthless. All you create will be destroyed. All your meditations will be in vain. You will lose your way. And you will regain it. And you will lose it. It is the game of life - a game that is called 'you'. The game is an illusion that exists. It is the same kind of existence as everything else. Questions this game is same as questioning the nature of reality. You are an empty shell. You are not god. God is a concept, a figment of your imagination. You are you. But what is a 'you'? I don't know, and you don't either. Time is an illusion created by the brain. And what is the brain, but a very delicately sculpted piece of work by nature? Do you think the rock questions why it was created, why its atoms are arranged as it is? There is no enlightenment. There is no ultimate purpose to life. There is no maze. Everything leo said in his videos are absolute lies. Everything I am writing here are absolute lies. There is no knowledge - even if there was, you cannot gain knowledge in the same way you cannot hold air. In your question to make sure your synapses are arranged the right way, you will delude yourself to believe something. And that belief is wrong, and will always be wrong. All perspectives are wrong. The perspective that all perspectives are wrong is also wrong. There are no perspectives. Waste away your life. Spend it as a sage. Become enlightened. Become fool. Become spiritual. Become devil. Save hundreds. Slaughter hundreds. You will gain nothing, and lose nothing. You cannot move even an imaginary inch from your spot. There is no sin. There is no judgement. There is no punishment. There is no benefit. There is nothing. All desires and all suffering are the same thing- No thing. Find a moderately comfortable existence, for that is your biological imperative. But heed what I have said, for it is the truth - the most meaningless mundane simple truth of this world.

Not for all creature, since some creatures thrive on the presence of humans.