I never tried LM, but I too found L-theanine to be quite effective -- prominent simultaneous relaxation and alertness. Pregnenolone was very helpful as well for some HPPD a while back. L-histidine was pretty good too. I tried like a hundred things lol and those 3 stuck out -- and chelation, but that's a lot of commitment. Also to some degree so did aspirin and zinc, for some reason. Maybe some others but can't remember. Magnesium didn't hurt either. D,L-phenylalanine hurt more than it helped. Taurine was relaxing too, but basically every single time I took it, it made me break out in a blemish the next day -- after it happened like 20 times I just never took it again lol; to my knowledge that's not even a reported effect, so I assumed it wasn't the taurine... until it was rather undeniable.

@Bandman you need to start practicing self-love and self-acceptance really hard. This is how you get out of the state you are in right now. All this self-sabotage is created by judging yourself too much.
I've been in a very similar situation just half a year ago (although maybe not as intense).
- feeling like I have all that I need to achieve everything I want, but fucking myself up with self-sabotage
- wanting to die so all that misery finally ends
- watching cheating, cuckold, and other humiliating types of porn
- stuffing myself with junk food until I am so full my belly hurts
- watching YouTube all day and not wanting to get out of bed
- working really hard on something for a week and then having a ln ego back lash and starting to do all of the above again
What helped me to change things up is:
1. Loving and accepting myself the way I am.
When you watch porn, when you eat junk, when you waste your time watching tv shows, when you are feeling insecure and awkward.
Accept yourself the way you are at this moment. Literally hug yourself and say that it's ok and this is just the stage you are at right now. Don't stop doing self-sabotaging behaviours. Just observe them and feel compassion and acceptance for yourself while doing them. The goal is not to willpower yourself into doing those, the goal is to loose your desire for them, to simply not feel like doin them anymore. And trust me, if you practice this long enough your desire for them will greatly diminish. Even if you still will be doing them here and there it will be much less frequent. Your mind will kind of become more chill and stable. You want crash that hard, it will be more like having a set back once a week or two, which you can eventually turn into a self-care and conscious rest day.
Great self-love practices are:
- hugging yourself
- looking at the mirror and trying to generate love for yourself
- observing yourself doing self-sabotaging behaviours and trying to feel love and compassion for yourself
- taking care of your body: taking baths, improving your grooming habits, etc
- listening to self-love affirmations
- when you notice yourself struggle with something or feeling insecure tell yourself that everything is ok and is going exactly as it should.
2. Patience
Yu need to have a lot of patience for yourself. This is a long journey and you will not get results in a week or two. You will have to go through a lot of back and forth and struggles. 
Remember that this is exactly how it is supposed to be. This is what real self-actualization looks like. So be proud of yourself for going through it.
3. If you can try to change up your environment and life situation.
Finding a job and moving away from my parents  really helped me a lot.
Good thing about changes like that is that you don't really need a lot of discipline to maintain those, compared to something like meditation. You just need to have balls to do a one moment decision.
You sign a contract to rent an apartment for a year and that's it. Now you live on your own and you can sabotage yourself all you want since you have already made a change.
Same with a 9 to 5 job. You just get a job and then go there every day and do what you are told. Again, you can be depressed as much as you want but you will still most likely maintain this change unless you are an alcoholic or a drug addict.
Hope this helps.
 
 
 
 

READ:https://www.vox.com/platform/amp/2015/8/27/9217163/america-guns-europe

Hi All,
First up, I'm not trying to tell you what you shouldn't do, all I want to do is post a warning based on my experience with Holotropic/Shamanic Breathing. I hope that you take heed of this advice and don't go through the intense involuntary healing that I have been through in the last 3 years.
I had a strong desire for the spiritual path and had been meditating for 4 years, sometimes up to 4 hours per day but normally at least 1.5 hours. I felt pretty good and had no existing psychiatric issues (that I was aware of.....)
In early 2019, I felt I was ready to speed up the process as I wanted to progress spiritually and felt like I wasn't getting anywhere.
So I started Shamanic/Holotropic/Breath of Fire (It has many names). I started on 2 minutes and gradually worked up to 30 to 40 minutes per day over the course of many months. I was still meditating but not for as long as I had been. Everything was fine for many weeks without issues. I felt good and felt normal both physical and mentally. 
Then, one week I started to feel off, it is hard to describe but I just didn't feel right. Felt really tired and unhappy (I am normally a care free happy person). I immediately stopped the breathwork but continued to meditate.
About 1 week after I stopped the breathing practices completely I was still feeling tired and just not right mentally. Then one day I was sitting is lotus posture and I suddenly felt really anxious for no reason and this incredibly uncomfortable energy started surging through me. I did not know at the time it was energy as I had never really felt it before but it was really uncomfortable. I couldn't sit still and I felt really anxious from the excess energy. I had no idea what was going on and ended up in hospital, I started screaming in hospital for no reason and almost had to be sedated (I am normally never like this, normally one of the most chilled out people around me). Anyway I was released a few hours later when the energy calmed down a bit. 
For the next 6 months this energy was with me all day everyday (even though I ceased all spiritual practices). I had trouble sleeping (I normally sleep like a baby). I felt extremely fatigued (I thought I had chronic fatigue) and could hardly get out of bed for weeks. I was close to panic attacks all the time. I was so scared and had no idea what was going on. I had to quit my job as I couldn't really function. Luckily I was financially prepared for this. It was only after I reached out to three meditation teachers who could "read my energy" were they able to advise I had awakened Kundalini. Kundalini was moving through my physical and subtle body cleaning out past traumas. Boy was it hard. You don't realize what lies in your subconscious until you open it haha.
I then had a relatively stable period of 12 months with no symptoms and felt pretty good. I thought Kundalini had become dormant but now I know she was still active in the background. I then started doing something similar to straw breathing just to try and calm my system. I felt great for a few months. But then boom without any warning again I went from feeling great to these massive surges of energy running through me that still haven't really integrated fully with my system even after 7 months of no spiritual exercises. 
The negative impacts of my healing have been the following:
- Intense suicidal depression (Never really been depressed at all in my life until I awoke Kundalini). Almost ended up in a psych ward a couple of times. The only things. Mostly when the energy surges were moving through my chest and heart area. 
- Intense ADHD, couldn't sit still almost all day for many months. (Never had ADHD before, I am normally more sloth like haha)
- Intense sensitivity to people, unable to be around some people.
- Intense weird mental states, hard to describe but they aren't very comfortable.
- Insomnia. This was really bad in the first healing period but not so much the second, still not sleeping as much as I need to but it has improved. 
- Intense sensitivity to fasting and certain supplements. Fasting and magnesium amplifies the energy and it feels very uncomfortable.
Positive impacts (a lot less than the negative ones so far.....)
- When I close my eyes my body mostly disappears. I don't feel it at all the only thing I feel is the energy moving against blockages.
- Body gradually feeling less and less like "me". A little bit scary.
- Can feel expansion of aura around me. 
- Small periods of intense bliss. This can almost be a negative impact if too intense. 
- Small periods of seeing intense beauty in even the most simple things.
- Heightened intuition.
- Synchronicities at times. Not all the time but occasionally.
- One 5 minute period where all my thoughts just stopped. My head was clear, this was very cool. Only had it once though.
- Greater understanding of subtle energy in general. The two laws that you must always apply for safe use of it. 
 
I sought help from a few teachers, tried a few practices to help calm the energy and ground me but in the end the main thing is time as the energy integrates with your body and mind, this can only happen so fast and takes time. Acupressure helped a bit and also something called White Light Protection Visualization which you can find on the Kundalini subreddit. One respected Kundalini teacher had me try all sorts of herbs and exercises that seemed to do nothing or make it worse. So I have come to the conclusion that very few people actually are able to teach this sort of stuff if you have a spontaneous K awakening.
I share this in the hopes that others healing journeys won't be so intense and involuntary as mine. 
I also want to thank all those have helped me in this journey so far, those seen and those unseen. Especially for helping me to keep my second job and family.
 
Good links:
https://www.reddit.com/r/kundalini/ - IMO the White Light Protection visualization should be done by everyone everyday. 
https://www.taraspringett.com/kundalini/healing-kundalini-symptoms-book/ - Some good info in this book.
 
TLDR:
Shamanic/Holotropic Breathing awakened my Kundalini without warning and gave me what is called Kundalini syndrome. I went through hell on earth as I was healing for the next 6 months then I went through A relatively stable period of 12 months and then the last 7 months have been by far the most difficult. Still healing from my past at a rate that is far from comfortable.
 
 
 
 
 

Ironically, it partially stems from my use of psychedelics, having very profound past life experiences. These experiences deeply opened my mind up to the possibility of this whole cyclical nature of death and birth. As I've further meditated on and contemplated the possibility of rebirth, I've realized the only reasons Id hold death as some kind of permanent end is from cultural programing. The fact of the matter is, consciousness already manifested as as this individuated form once, why wouldn't it happen again? It's already happened. To claim it wouldn't happen again actually goes against what's already happened, ie a spontaneous emergence of perception and life as this individual we identify with. Couple this logical analysis with the direct experience of past, parallel, and future life experiences I've had with psychedelics and in meditation, and it just becomes so obvious this single lifetime isn't in anyway indicative of the torrent of consciousness.
How do I know it's true? I cannot know with the logical, egoic mind whether rebirth is true. When stepping into states of deep samadhi and openness, it stops being a question though. Moment by moment, life and death are blinking into and out of existence, as existence. One can start to penetrate this dynamic birth death process as being driven by one's karma. To link the process of karma and the existence/nature of mind to the physical body would be to deeply misunderstand the existence/nature of mind, to deeply misunderstand one's direct experience. There are levels of mind that are very much affiliated and karmically intertwined with this current physical body, but from my own experience, there are also deeper, more primordial all encompassing depths of mind that still function through sankharas that are independent (yet still inextricably connected with) the physical body. This whole mechanism of mind that is deeper than the surface of mind typically associated with the physical body is what drives birth and death. If this whole mind actually relinquished itself, what would unfold is a complete union with God. This is what happens on 5-MeO. Mind at ALL levels completely drops away. 

Yet because psychedelics numb the mind, in a sense, the sankharas driving this whole process of egoic identification and self clinging (a clinging so so so much deeper than the nonsense Neo Advaita espouses) are not uprooted. Hence they regrow, return, reconsolidate. Meditation, on the other hand, through means that I currently do not understand due to a lack of training, can uproot these sankharas. 

How do I know all of this? Through so much careful examination of my direct experience. At this point, multiple thousands of hours of meditation & contemplation. I'm still not 100% clear on all of this, and am open to being wrong, but this is what I've seen through my past with psychedelics, and a maturing, deepening, and clarification of view from manual practice. 
 
Yeah this seems to match my experience as well. In Buddhist terms, this is talking about the distinction between the path of an Arahant and Bodhisattva. I've always been more drawn to the path of the Bodhisattva, the kind of consciousness that willingly returns to try and help others rather than extinguishing the whole thing and permanently merging back into the Godhead beyond existence and non-existence. To be honest though, the type of consciousness an Arahant or Bodhisattva possess is so far beyond where I am on the path I cannot really comment on what would motivate an Arahant or Bodhisattva. I would just say, be careful dismissing the Arahant's ambition; it's coming from an incomprehensibly deep place of wisdom and clarity. Both paths are immeasurably noble, in their own way. 

I still have an interest, but it's increasingly feeling more pointless.  E.g. Geopolitics is interesting, but it's always the same old stuff, just in a different order.  Design is fun, but it's just a game.  Politics is interesting, but it's always just about some stupid childish quarrels.
Someone today showed me a very "stage yellow" book, which should've made me interested and curious, but it's just more "systems" and understanding the state of the world and where it's headed.  I just don't care anymore.  Even if a book had some great new insights, so what?  It wouldn't teach me anything of value.  I still love to talk about these things to socialize, but nothing feels as significant/deep as it used to.
Anything that's not God/Consciousness related feels boring.  It feels like this is the only area of "study" that will actually lead somewhere, or still has some room for progress at least.  I'm kinda sad I can't really be the fun/excitable/curious guy I used to be for the people in my life.  Actually I had the best relationships when I was Orange/Green, as a kid, when I would get overexcited about stupid things, and everyone could relate to me.
 
Not sure where I go from here.  I will continue to progress, and will hopefully get some insights about what I want to do.
No games, no anime, no pointless intellectualizing, no pointless debating, no pointless teaching.. what's left?  I actually had an answer for this years ago, but the same things don't matter to me anymore.

Some perspective from ACIM if it resonates:
 
When your body and your ego and your dreams are gone, you will know that you will last forever. ²Perhaps you think this is accomplished through death, but nothing is accomplished through death, because death is nothing. ³Everything is accomplished through life, and life is of the mind and in the mind. ⁴The body neither lives nor dies, because it cannot contain you who are life. ⁵If we share the same mind, you can overcome death because I did. ⁶Death is an attempt to resolve conflict by not deciding at all. ⁷Like any other impossible solution the ego attempts, it will not work. (ACIM, T-6.V-A.1:1-7)

@Flyboy 
Awakening isn't an on/off switch, where you either are 1 (awakened) or 0 (asleep). It's an infinite spectrum and you can be more or less awakened to infinite different aspects of reality.
You're seemingly wanting to discuss Leo's path as a way to distract yourself from your own path ? 
Everytime I find myself discussing other people I always try to remember this wise quote of Socrates:
"Strong minds discuss ideas,
average minds discuss events,
weak minds discuss people.” 
God-realization is but just one aspect of the infinitude of awakenings you can have. To rank it as 'the highest / best' realization one can have is of personal opinion; I personally think the "highest" awakening you can have is your own soul's awakening to its purpose here on Earth; and it differs for everyone. Follow your own path. Listen to your heart.
We are all God, everything is IT: to become aware of one owns Godhood and Its omnipotence, omniscience, infinity, etc. is in a sense the easiest and most pointless awakening to have: it's so fucking obvious.
"You're God!" - "Doh, tell me something I don't know!" (masked as: "No, that can't be!").
From a pragmatic standpoint, it's much more interesting to 'unravel' *this dream/maze/hide'n'seek-game* that I, first, created and then, secondly, chose to participate in as a seemingly separate dream-character, willingly forgetting that I created it (as God, for the sake of play); and then try to play it as elequantly as possible.
To speak about the absolute nature of reality in absolute terms, as if it can be communicated in spoken or written language is a rather silly game (regardless, notice I just did it ?).
Absolute Truth isn't communicable. It's an inner game. We can talk poetically, in analogies, about it; and we can point to it. That's all we can do with language.
Relative truths are that: relative. Knowledge as such is therefore also rather relative: its only valuable in the sense that it can be utilized, either externally (science), or internally (emotions, happiness). The external always serves the internal (emotions): science is only a useful practice to do in the sense that it creates benefits for society/humanity at large.
If Leo derives pleasure and meaning from talking about God and swimming around in God-consciousness in his psychedelic trips, then let him. I sometimes find it interesting to hear about his perspectives; at other times, like you, I find it rather pointless. I've begun, this last year, to find his more pragmatic videoes more interesting, as all his non-duality videos' only purpose (beyond his own pleasure deriving from it) is nudging people towards spirituality: 'pointing' them towards it, making them interested, invested in it. I'm deeply invested already; it's an inner game for me now. Hearing about it from the outside too much can be a big distraction.
Of course, stories can also be exciting aesthetically, but I'd often rather read poetry about non-duality, than hear -- at times clumsy, other times brilliant -- logical arguments for it.
"Looking at a sunset, just for a second, you forget your separateness: you are the sunset. That is the moment when you feel the beauty of it.
But the moment you say that it is a beautiful sunset, you are no longer feeling it; you have come back to your separate, enclosed entity of the ego. Now the mind is speaking.
And this is one of the mysteries: that the mind can speak, and knows nothing; and the heart knows everything, and cannot speak.
Perhaps to know too much makes it difficult to speak; the mind knows so little, it is possible for it to speak."
- Osho
Spread the Love. But first and foremost learn to love yourself. And in order to do that, you first have to *know* yourself. ... And you come to know yourself through combining action -- living life; experience -- with self-reflection (meditation, contemplation, psychedelics comes to mind) & studying (reading, listening; absorbing wisdom and practical advice from the wise, old motherfuckers that have lived -- and still live -- through human history and who have failed, and thus learned, countless times).

Hello everyone!
Just like many of you guys, I used to struggle with a lot of emotional baggage. I mediate every day since 2017, plus I had quite some mushroom trips. And I still felt miserable, I could not integrate my insights. At the beginning of 2021 I discovered MDMA and I'd like to document my results after about eight trips in the course of this year.
My Situation in January, 2021:
I lived with my parents, lots of conflicts with them. I considered myself a highly sensitive person, constantly feeling overwhelmed by basically everything. I had a crippling fear of other people. I could not set boundaries: I would work too much, eat too much,... I could not focus on one thing at a time. Working would trigger fear of death. I could only work for 2 to 3 hours per day and would feel totally miserable while working. I had an underpaying job as a language teacher, could not support myself. I was well-educated, but had no idea what to do with my life. The Healing Process with MDMA
I weigh about 65 mg of MDMA plus a microdose of magic mushrooms (about 0.16 gr). This is an ideal combination for me, I get more creative with the mushrooms.
 I am sensitive to these substances, so I don't need much. Regarding MDMA it's especially important not to take too much and not to trip too often. Nowadays I trip about every six weeks, the periods of abstinence have become longer.
I meditate in the living room with my two roommates (one of them is my brother). Then I take the substances, set an intention, and continue to mediate. As soon as the MDMA kicks in, I'll lay down in my bed. I talk about stuff which moves me, and my roomies are my "therapists". It works like in this manual by MAPS: https://maps.org/research-archive/mdma/MDMA-Assisted-Psychotherapy-Treatment-Manual-Version7-19Aug15-FINAL.pdf
After about 2 hours, as soon as the effects start to fade away, I take the second dose of MDMA, about 30 mg.
The experience is just incredibly nice. I never felt fear in the process, MDMA is far from being as scary as other psychedelics. It's like psychotherapy on steroids: You talk about stuff that bothers you, deep-seated trauma. In my case it was mainly my birth. It was tough and confusing to have a near-death experience back then, already feeling you're back with the Absolute and then abruptly being born in a Cesarean; I was born after only seven months in my mom's womb and with only a third of the weight babies usually have when they are born. One of my core beliefs was that I did not deserve to live.
In the MDMA sessions I could access the trauma easily and feel more and more love for all my past suffering. I could see the intelligence behind it. I could accept it. In the weeks after the sessions I integrated the insights.
My Situation in December, 2021:
I live with two roommates in a great apartment. We love self actualization and support each other on our paths. Good relationship with my parents. I wouldn't consider myself highly sensitive anymore. This was just a label, an identity which has been perpetuating itself. I still feel intense emotions but I guess that's totally normal and I can deal with them. I feel a much broader spectrum of emotions. I finally begin to understand what joy and bliss are. Minor fear of other people. I can set boundaries automatically in most cases. If my boundaries are crossed, I'll notice it relatively quickly. I can focus on things and get them done. I love working. I can work long hours, 8 to 10 hours per day if necessary. Relatively well-paid job in teaching, I can support myself and afford some little luxuries.  I'm on track with my career in journalism. I already write about one to two articles per week for the local newspaper, and started networking within the organisation and with local politicians and activists. I'll be working full-time for the paper from April onwards.  So here you go, these are my results. For those of you doubting if personal development works: It does definitely work, you just need to find the right method. As for emotional healing, I prefer MDMA over all other psychedelics, because you can go very deep and integrate your learnings relatively easily. And yet it's not scary. You don't drift off into madness. You simply talk about everything that's important to you, and it feels like you got God's support in the process.
Much love <3

Hi. I've been into spiritual path for a while now. Ive done many things such as meditation, psychedelics, presence on daily basis, and so on.

Ive noticed, how pointless the ego drive is. It doesn't matter what you do, it doesn't matter if u seek pleasure, sex, money, power, whatever. I literally sit all day, and im not able to start anything. 

So i've stopped, doing anything. I'm like in apathy, asking myself " what's the point anyway?" Life is pointless. 

I don't feel horrible about it, but i have 0 energy to live, 0 drive to do anything. Furthermore, I know, that it won't give me happiness anyway.

Is it normal? Have u guys been there?

So I just had what I would consider the most horrific experience of my entire life/construct. My first time having a "bad trip" I guess you could say. I'm left wanting absolutely nothing to do with enlightenment and spirituality. God Realization is fucking terrifying and I want my old life back. I'm feeling completely shook and terrified of psychedelics now. What to do?
All I know is that during this entire trip I was crying to myself "it's too much" and "I don't want enlightenment anymore" and I meant it.
I would seriously question your intentions with awakening and ask why you are doing it in the first place. Your life is already perfection in every sense of the word and I mean that. Awakening is not this glamorous thing as it's portrayed. It's actually the last thing you want.

I have been unemployed for 2 years since I finished my studies, living in my mother´s basement, but even when I am suffering because of this situation, the idea of getting a job make me sad too. Why? Because most of the jobs I have been applying in my country have a 9-6:30 schedule (since they give you 1.5 hours to lunch in the middle of the journey, which are not included in the 8 hours of work), then I would go to the gym from 7-8:30, get home at 9, dinner bed and start again. So basically my life would be all about work -which by the way I am not interested in, it is ony for the money-. So literally 0 time to meditation, LP and building alternative business during week.
 
If I continue being unemployment living with my mom (28 years old) - sadness and dression
If I am finally able to get a job in my field - slavery
 
I don´t see hope in my life. Any advice?

I think therapy is a great supplement to my work. My work doesn't really replace therapy.
In fact just recently I've been thinking of hiring a therapist. There is just some stuff that I cannot effectively see by myself alone. It's good to have a human foil who can reflect your own bullshit back at you.
There are many aspects of your psyche which you do not see because you are operating from it and lack distance.

Names have been changed for the sake of privacy
Wednesday September 29 2021, my father and I smoked 5-MeO-DMT in the form of toad venom.
The Story: “I am a 33 year old male living in a beach suburb of Los Angeles. I am healthy, and do not use medication of any kind, or supplements, herbs, etc. My first experience with psychedelics was with LSD when I was 16, and I have also used mescaline, mushrooms, and n,n-DMT. For the past two years I have been using exclusively n,n-DMT and psilocybin mushrooms, and have been fully immersed in wisdom traditions which can broadly be referred to as non-duality.”
I first became interested in 5-MeO-DMT many years ago, it’s impossible to know exactly when. Terence McKenna didn’t have much to say about it, feeling that the lack of visual activity was a shortcoming of the compound. Hamilton Morris botched some parts of it's history in a season 2 episode of his VICE show, only to make a spectacular comeback to kick off season 3. Memes and myths about psychedelic toads are common enough that even the lay person has heard of licking toads to get high. But that’s not the route of administration called for here.
Incilius alvarius, formerly bufo alvarius, aka the Sonoran Desert toad or Colorado River toad. The largest toad in North America, this unassuming creature is recognizable by the venom sacks on its arms, legs, back, and parotid. When the toads emerge from hibernation en masse, one can collect their venom by squeezing the glands thereby spraying the excretion onto a piece of clean glass. After a period of drying, the venom contains ~15% 5-MeO-DMT, which can then be scraped and vaporized. When heated in a glass pipe, one long toke of this pungent vapor will produce what is widely regarded as the most intense entheogenic experience possible. In recent years, as relationships between US and Mexico based practitioners grow, a beautiful entheogenic culture is being birthed, with this toad at the center.
Over the past two years my father and I fell in love with the synergy between n,n-DMT and non-duality, and he is rather active on social media in sharing his insights and perspective. We have a special bond, and after I shared n,n-DMT with him he has served himself on several occasions. Two weeks before this experience someone reached out to him on social media, curious if the information he’s been sharing was catalyzed by an encounter with 5-MeO. After some discussion, an exchange of names and numbers, and the auspicious alignment of several vectors, we booked a 6pm session in Malibu.
Fast forward two weeks. 
The day arrived.
I fasted, and left work early in order to buy some comfortable clothes for the experience and to give myself time and space to settle. Mild nervousness began to set in at this point. Sweaty palms. It  was 2 hours until the ceremony, and I took time to sit and follow my breath and refine my intention for the encounter. I left home with time to spare for  unexpected changes in traffic and a beach meditation en route to the facilitator’s home.
After the drive and a few minutes spent admiring the Pacific, I met my father at the entrance to the house. If you imagine a cross between a Hobbit house, a cathedral, and an organic spaceship overlooking the ocean, the image will not be far off. We were greeted by one of the facilitators, Luna, who informed us that the previous guest was still processing and integrating, which gave us time to chat poolside with Jeremy, the lead facilitator. Jeremy is also my father’s name, and like my father he spent most of his career in western medicine. This is one of many synchronicities which surrounded this experience and continue to bubble up in my life. We shared awakening stories and practical information as the sun slowly set on the ocean, and when the time came we were ushered into the spacious and well appointed interior. This is where the ceremony was conducted, and I couldn’t have imagined a more comfortable or welcoming environment. All the expected design elements were present, raw wood, stone, and an altar whose center piece was a large amethyst geode which resembled a pair of open wings.
Inside, we were introduced to Alicia, the final of the three facilitators. We were cleansed with sage, and moved into place on simple padded mats adorned with the likeness of Ganesha which had been laid out on the floor.  My father was to go first and I would follow him 15 minutes later. The medicine was delivered in the Eclipse, a type of vaporizer with a threaded end into which a vial containing one’s individual dose is loaded. A most effective tool. Music came down, the lights dimmed, and incense was burned. This was it.
Kneeling on the mat, my father was handed the pipe to hold between his palms, close to his heart, while one of the facilitators held a typed prayer before him to be read aloud. He read the prayer, and upon completion the dose was delivered. In one long inhalation, the entire dose was received. One single breath. My father laid down on his side where the facilitators quickly and gently rearranged pillows and blankets to support him. The effects come on immediately, and present differently depending on the individual’s nature and needs. Not 10 seconds after the end of the inhalation, my father began vocalizing in complex glossolalia. He was not speaking any language I know, or even know of, but the tone of the message was complete and utter astonishment. I couldn’t help but smile, and at times barely contained myself as the joy turned to laughter, and tried to escape from me the way steam rises from boiling water.
Eventually, the mutterings gave way to English, and some of the quality of his experience came through:
“Unfathomable. Un-fathom-able. Oh Jesus. Jesus Christ! Of course. That’s it. That’s IT. Jesus Fucking Christ! I get it! Of course I get it, , I get it. How could it be anything else?”
This settled down, and no more than 10 minutes after the dose, my father was resting peacefully, in deep communion with All That Is. Jeremy asked me to step outside to speak to him.
“Would you like to take the medicine while standing? This is usually reserved for the second session onward, but based on your history I think it would be a beautiful experience. You remain upright, spine in alignment, bridging Heaven and Earth. I’ll be right behind you, waiting to catch you when it comes on. Just fall back and we’ll take care of you.”
How could I say no?
We headed back inside, and I stood at the edge of the mat while the final preparations were made. This was the moment of Truth.  Alicia cleansed my hands with Florida water. She gave me the pipe and held the prayer to read.
At this time in writing the report, I am shivering and covered in waves of goosebumps as I coax the memory of that evening from out of the ether.
“I am love. I am health. I am peace. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be healthy…”
“Now breathe it in, nice and slow. Good, good, more. More, more. Almost there, a bit more, good.”
The rich vapor is the taste of mystery. It’s aroma is ancient, spiced, sweet, and deep. Earthy and medicinal, more than anything it tastes of power.
As I finished drawing it all in the room quivered, suddenly filled not with air, but a viscous superfluid which was both more real and more dreamlike than waking perception. My arms were still raised, having lifted them over my head while taking the dose as instructed. As I lowered them, I fell back not into the arms of a man, but into the boundless heart of creation.
Am I going to do it? Am I going to say “It cannot be described” and then go on trying to describe it? I could spend the rest of my life in effort, and never get any closer to conveying the felt experience.
Holy Fucking Shit.
This Is It.
This Is Me.
I Am It.
Imagine what it feels like to become history, to become expression, to become Tao. This is everything, complete and outside of time. It is the Transcendental Object at the End of Time. It is loving, self organizing, infinite intelligence. All sense of who I am, that I am a “who,” was blown away in a great cosmic wind. All sensory experience merged into one orgasmic, orchestral cheer which echoed through the halls of creation.
I am an old man basking in the sun. I am a wave crashing on the shore. I am touch, number, color, smell, sound, taste, light, electricity, magnetism. I am the telling of a joke and the punchline. I am the intimate symmetry of flowers in bloom. I am liquid light in love with itself, dancing into form, dancing out of form. I am an impossible object of infinite potential. The only thing to do is everything, and so I do everything. I am every possible extreme and subtlety, the transcendence of quality. I am without quality. Total. There is nothing to which or against which comparison is possible. All of reality is One. All of reality is won. This is a solvent. The problem solved itself. Holy shit This Is It.
I felt the crystalline nature of the eternal moment precipitate from the supersaturated solution that is all the teachers and all the teachings of my life. The qualities of my father’s loving wisdom are in me, I am them. I am the radical insistent wisdom of Leo Gura, and I became him, and we were the universe, astonished and weeping with joy at having done it again. We did it. We remembered. I laid there as the infinite descended into form and all of reality knit itself back together
I opened my eyes. Perfect brilliant stillness. Complete luminous abiding. Total radiant peace. I rested in the delicious feeling of being alive. Of being Life. I closed my eyes.
“Hey bud, how are you doing? You want another puff? It’ll be like a deep meditation.”
Jeremy laid a gentle hand on my chest.
How could I say no.
I remained prone on the mat while Jeremy administered the second dose. The inhalation was slightly shorter, but the depth of this experience was just as profound as the first.
The Knowing was there again. What we call reality is the appearance of opposites, across all possible axes, in perfect dynamic equilibrium. In this configuration there is infinitely loving creative intelligence. Life trusts and loves itself completely, and so gives itself full permission to express itself Completely. It’s here, it’s right there, for you to take it all.
Something  trying to move, and I have to allow it. Drawing a breath, I let out an exultant howl rising and then falling in the end. It felt like the ultimate acknowledgment of who I am. From somewhere in the distance I heard the howl returned, a howl of recognition from my father. I howled again, jubilant.
Who knows how long I lay merged with this unity. Eternity isn’t a long time, it is the transcendence of time. Coming back, slowly, slowly, gently. Piecing together my individuality was like putting on the finest clothes
I whispered to myself:
“My name is Mason Newhouse. My father’s name is Jeremy Newhouse. My mother’s name is Lucienne Pavot. I am speaking the universe into existence. Satya is the truth of existence.”
I shuddered with bliss at the simple facts of my being. I bathed in that bliss for a moment, and wriggled cozily, feeling like a child in bed on a lazy Sunday morning. Eventually I sat up, and reflexively spit a congealed ball of emotion across the room, and looked at Alicia seated to my left.
"Well, that's it. Welcome to Utopia "
Alicia smiled and nodded.
The sun had set, and the spacious, dimly lit space was rich with magic and the potent scent of toad venom. The room was thick with emotion, and I looked at my father on the mat beside me
“So that’s it.” he said
“That’s it.” I replied
“Two thumbs up.”
To my right and behind me I saw Luna, and heard her crying gently. There is the impression that something profound had just taken place, and everyone sat quietly together in pure open awareness.
My father and I hugged and laid on our backs, head to head, marvelling at what had just taken place. Jeremy came over to welcome us back. He thanked us for the beautiful session, saying that it brought him even closer to his own father, with whom he has shared this experience. We all sat together talking for a bit, about the experience we had, about the people it has helped, research being done, etc.
“It’s nice to have a body.” I say, and I mean it. “A nice human thing.”
We all sat for a while, and as big talk turned to small talk, the evening drew to a close.
I offered my deep gratitude to our facilitators, to the people who harvested this medicine, to the toad, to the earth, to the sky, to myself. To The Self.
Years, indeed lifetimes could be spent in describing the awakened non-dual state, and that’s exactly what’s going on. All religions, mystery schools, and spiritual traditions are pointing to this.
There is nothing new I need to say or could say. Any way I approach it, this experience is a transcendence. It is nothing like n,n-DMT, and yet an obvious expansion on it. There is no way I could have prepared for it, but everything in my life led to that moment. It was infinite power and infinite gentleness. I have to choose to end the report here, lest I go on forever. I'm in no hurry to go back to that space but I savor the thought of when the time comes to return.
tl;dr I smoked dried toad venom and became God, which is synonymous with Universe, Love, Tao, Reality, Energy, Intelligence, Creation, Imagination, Consciousness, Eternity, Infinity, Everything, Nothing. This. Here. Now.

Leo also talked about how you could even get a psychedelic indused tinnitus. I have this condition since about 6 years, and my tinnitus even decreased since im meditating/doing psychedelics. However this "visual tinnitus" or visual snow increased with the trips. Interestingly during the trips its totally gone. Only after a few days it comes up again. Sometimes annoyingly bad, but sometimes just subtle. 

I've had a few bad trips and my highest dose of 5-MeO-DMT gave me some trauma and damage which took about a year or two to overcome and integrate.
Avoid high doses and avoid vaping. You want to ease yourself in as much as possible, rather than blasting yourself. Most problems come from blasting yourself.

Thanks for answers. When It started It felt as dizziness, because of little of of focus, did many, many tests, but had no results, I'm perfectly healthy. Then years later I figured out that something is wrong with vision, for me there is no bloopers, after images or anything of worst stuff, I have out of focus vision, like when camera tries to make the picture clear, only for me It never does, and light/shadows are strange, wouldn't really say flashing, they kinda just blind me  a little, like looking in the sun just way less intense. 
So about eye check-up, I passed every test, everything is perfect. I can see small things that average person from same distance can't, I have no damage, so that's why I think It's more like mental thing, like problem is somewhere between vision and brain perceiving images. 
About depersonalization, derealization, It just felt like being constantly high, like imagine vision similar to slightly drunk or high for years. It was also combined with depression, so I guess fixing depression eridicated derealization symptoms too, so in this way I feel fine too. 
Also others with visual snow can't get cure, because It simply doesn't exists yet. I had accepted It as permanent and kinda still believe that, but maybe there is some way that could help with this. 
Not sure about holistic doctors, because of two reasons:
I am originally from eastern europe, I have heard some extremely nice stories, but 90% of cases they are not any kinda healers, just a scam. Now I am Denmark, no idea how It works here, but could take a look.
But then there is second problem, I'm very skeptic about this, like I understand how healers can heal traumas, mental problems even many psychical ones, but "fixing" vision? How could that be possible. 
But well, thanks anyway I might take a look on holistic health doctors, I actually talked with one, but he said that he can't help in that complicated case. Like problem is not that serious, but he said he honestly has no knowledge for that.

Hello, I have many posts to make, but will figure out what how to put others in words llter, so I'm starting with something that has annoyed me for pretty much my life - visual snow, google can explain It  to you, but for me It started like 8-10 years ago at age around 12-14, honestly don't know exactly because I don't remember living with clear vision, but I know I had It. So basically It started as slight dizinness, which grew into distorted vision, luckily I have no specific figures like floaters, but I feel like my vision is constantly out of focus with some flashing lights or opposite - shadows. This isn't really "emotional problem" directly, but this really drains me, I believe I would be so much happier, just by having clear vision. I see "great", I see way further than all my friends, I can see very small letters etc., but they are moving and morphing so It's tiring, but more mentally than psychically. This also almost got me into derealization and depersonalization, but starting my spiritual path fixed this. Sorry If this does not fit here, but I thought I have nothing to lose so If anyone got advice, bring It on. Even now I tried with this text, If I look from bit bigger distance and don't focus I don't really see words, but at same time with focusing I could read from bigger distance than average person (tested before). I'm fine If this get deleted because doesn't fit the rules, but honestly this drains me and really brings my mood down, I'm tired of trying to not think about It.

Try Taurine or Valerian. Really calming, Taurine lasts around  8 hours 1 gram of Taurine. They have no side effects. Helped with Hppd symptoms they should help you with an overactive nervous system.

Heeeeey this is Santiago, and in this post I will be writing how I feel and what I think about my mom... I will just throw whatever goes through my mind instantaneously even if it is horrible, this way I will be able to identify some of my own problems, as well as get a better feedback from you guys on what should I do with her. I also think that writing this could be cathartic.

A little bit of background: I'm from uruguay, 24 years old, my mom is 56 and my brother 29. We both(me and my bro) dislike our mother, we find her toxic and hard to deal with. She is going bankrupt soon and we will probably have to support her otherwise she is fucked up, but neither of us feels like she deserves support so this is a huge problem for us right now not only economically but also she is very negative in our lives, she just takes and takes from us in every aspect.
 
So here it goes:
My mom is a hypocrite, she says a lot of stuff but then doesn't act on it, she says she is strong, positive, brave but then she is weak, negative and coward. She says she is spiritual and elevated compared with other but she is actually full of horrible and toxic defects, she is manipulative, liar, depressive, judgmental, full of hatred.
 
What bothers me the most about my mom is that she is brainless, she gets in rough situations where she needs help to get out and it's all drama, for example when she divorced my dad some years ago she had his pension which was a good one by the way, she could live well with that money, but then she met a man a few months later and she accepted marrying him in the 1st date! Of course it was only words, but she did marry him 1 year later after only 6 months of living together (when all her life she told us that you have to live at least 4 years with a person before marrying because otherwise you won't really know them). Of course when marrying this man (who had a not very good income) she lost my dad's pension and depended completely on him(...). But then he resulted to be alcoholic and violent, so all the drama came along and this was the most stressful period of my life. She was living with him and me and my brother with my dad, but anyway the drama hit us hard when we found out about the situation, a couple times my mother called me and my brother, crying and asking for help because she had fear he would beat her up(I was 19 at this time). 
Of course she was also afraid to leave him because she depended finantially on him, she gave up her future for this man that she dated only 1 year and now he had her by the balls. Long story short, she managed to divorce after almost 4 painful years, luckly she had the house where they were living since she bought it with her divorce money. She then moved to a new house because she had debts to pay so she sold and bought a cheaper house and until now she has been eating her money because she doesn't work, she only rents a room she has next to the house and get a little income from there.
So yeah she is pretty fucked up right now and her money will run out sometime this year and she will probably need finantial support because she doesn't work and she expends a lot, if she won the lottery now she would be bankrupt again in 2 years.. Regarding work she has the excuse that she is too old to work now and that where she lives there are not a lot of options. When she was jobless a few years back, just when she divorced my dad, her sister got her a job and she rejected it with some invalid excuses, the real excuse I think that was because she couldn't smoke for long periods of time.
Yeah she is highly addicted to smoking, she smokes 3 boxes a day (60+ cigarettes?) and they are very expensive here in Uruguay. This limits her working chances since she will not take a job where she can't smoke, she will find all kinds of excuses to reject this jobs. She doesn't want to stop smoking, she says that she is very stressed right now to do so, and when she is more relaxed she will try. The truth is that she won't ever be relaxed, specially if she doesn't even try to stop... 
When she travels she uses taxi which is also very expensive in Uruguay, she doesn't take the bus and she always has an invalid excuse why not to take the bus. A couple years ago the state owed my mother more than a thousand dollars, all she had to do was traveling like 2 hours and getting the money but she was lazy and never did. It's as if she didn't care about the money, as if she thought "anyway somebody will maintain me later so who cares...", very selfish.

She has a huge victim mentality(She has an excuse for every negative aspect of her life, and it's always other people's fault), she is super negative and does nothing for her life. She is racist and constantly judges other people, however she thinks she is an spiritually elevated and evolutioned being as if she was the big deal. As you might have noticed by what I said before she believes in weird stuff like for example that we come to earth to evolution and we acomplish this by living multiple lives and working on our defect. She also believes some weird stuff regarding magic, tarot, energies, the power of the word, she believes she creates her life with the words she says so for example if I said "I will die tomorrow" jokingly she would freak out haha.
Many times this beliefs that she has sink her even more, because she ends up buying a house or deciding what to do based on some tarot cards that she threw over the table. And don't even try to argue with her about this stuff, it's IMPOSSIBLE to change her mind.
 
She is a very manipulative person, I've seen her manipulating her ex just to get more money, the excuse was that he was alcoholic and neurotic so she deserved it anyway.. I've seen her manipulating me and my brother, she is the kind of person that tries to make you feel bad if you don't do what she wants. I'm also starting to believe that she gets sick on purpose just to get attention, she always plays the victim role to get things.
Just as an example: when it's my birthday I normally do lunch with my mom and her family and dinner with my dad and his family, but now she is threatening me with not going to my next birthday if I don't invite her to come with my dad and his family, she says that they got divorced but she doesn't deserve to be cut off from the rest of the family, but I don't want her to come because my dad doesn't like her and I think that the rest of the family neither do. If it's my birthday isn't it my right to chose what to do? she is selfish. And she can't pretend to force my dad's family to like her.
Another example: many times(even when I was little) when she wanted something from me she used to say "I cleaned your ass when you were a baby, now the least you can do for me is...", so she manipulates us with the fact that she took responsibility for us and raised us, but the thing is that I didn't even ask to exist, she decided it for me, and it's her responsibility. I don't even feel responsible for my parents, I didn't chose to have them, they should be independent from me. With that being said, I'd totally help my dad if he had any problems, because I admire him, he is a great man and I'd totally help him, but I don't feel this towards my mom.
 
Another thing that she did that hurted me really bad was that after the breakup she hated my dad to death and so she would tell me and my brother all the time about all kind of horrible things my dad supposedly did to her, I would argue with her that this was not correct, that she shouldn't be telling me this stuff, they were problems between them and not us. But she kept doing it and still does. She tries her best to brainwash us to hate our dad, this would be her perfect revenge against him, but unfortunately for her all she did was making us hate her even more.
 
I could go on with this, but nobody will read this huge post, specially if I keep adding stuff.
Anyway I think I got over the main spots, and I want feedback from you guys, what do you think about me from this post and specially what should I do with my mother? If I cut her off like Leo suggested in his "dealing with toxic people" video, I'm afraid she will end up homeless and all alone(has no friends) and I don't want this for her.
Here is a list of the defects I know that I share/shared with my mother, because obviously when you can't stand somebody it's to some degree because you can't stand what they do since you do it too and it's a constant reminder of your own defects:
*Victim mentality: (totally overcame this one, I now know and feel it's all me and nobody else's fault)
*Judging: Need to work a lot on this one, as you can clearly see from this post.
*Negativity: To a much less extent than my mother but I've noticed that in some situations I am negative and think the worst possible outcome.
*Mental masturbation/Procrastination: I didn't really address this but both me and my mother search up on lots of self-help stuff and then struggle to actually act on it.
*Seeking approval / low self-steem
Feel free to add more to this list as you read this post.
 

I sit now before my computer covered in dirt, I'm too tired to take a shower. I spend my days slaving away in the hot sun and carrying heavy shit, in exchange I get like $750 every two weeks. I have no friends or ever had a romantic relationship, I live with my parents but I feel like I hardly know them and vice-versa. Trying to tell them about self help or entrepreneurship is like trying to tell a toddler about the rise of Hitler, they're uninterested and they find the television far more intriguing. It's disturbing how complacent and myopic the human mind can become after a lifetime of mediocre unconscious work, they're like zombies! The fucking television is the most diabolical invention man ever unleashed! After work my body and mind feel numb and hazy, but I fight through it because there's more important work to be done, I'm a CEO after all! At least that's what it says on my business card. I make a sale here and there but I wouldn't say my business is a success quite yet. At the end of the day I lay alone in darkness, my only companion the voice whispering 'I love you' through my headphones, sometimes its a man's, sometimes it's a woman's. Then its right back to work in the morning, to the scorching hot sun and asphalt, to serving and obeying people I dislike, to fighting the urge to knock someones teeth out. I honestly think a sane man's first reaction to being ordered around in the heat like a dog would be to gut the motherfucker who crossed you like a fish so no one else gets the idea they're your superior, but I'm a lover, not a fighter. Maybe I'll listen to one of Leo's videos with my earbuds or imagine I'm Augustus or Napoleon to pass the time! I always liked the idea of being a conqueror or an emperor. In a strange masochistic way I enjoy it sometimes, the stinging and aching in my muscles, the unforgiving omnipotent sun, the sweat bleeding into my eyes. It's a very peculiar high but most of the time I feel like jumping off a bridge.
What the fuck is this? This is what life is like in the twenty-first century? How the fuck do people do this decade after decade? I'm only twenty-three and I've had enough of this shit! The life of the average person is a mind-numbing bitter struggle only interrupted by mediocre media, hollow relationships, insultingly little vacation, and alcohol. How has the plurality of mankind embraced this way of life? It is humiliating! I feel like a different species or something because I'm the only one I know fighting for an alternative! How the fuck do you just get told what to do your entire life!? Doesn't this fucking bother you after a while!? Then people get married, have kids, and buy a house, MEGAFUCKING the entire situation, now they're guaranteed to always be a wage slave!
I HAD TO WORK ON THE FUCKING FOURTH OF JULY LAST YEAR!!! The day about, ya' know, FREEDOM!!! How the fuck do you cope with this shit because I feel like a losing my sanity more and more by the day!

I've seen 5-MeO-DMT just floor an enlightened person to the point of projectile vomitting.
I've also seen DMT not really affect a different enlightened person.
The moral of the story is: people react very differently to psychedelics, so a small sample size tells you nothing.
You must be extremely careful drawing wide conclusions from single cases.
It's also obvious that many of the most enlightened people simply have unique and radically different nervous systems than normies. So using such people as gauges can be deeply misleading because that is probably not applicable to you.

Perspective Needed
 
I am 34, living in Amsterdam NL,  work in Finance field and I took the life purpose course almost 4 years ago, because working in Finance was not fulfilling. My LP result '' teaching ethical business fundamentals to youngsters'' didn't do the work for me, as was not even motivating enough to get me rolling, after 3 start ups and close to burnout, I really don't even want to hear about business anymore actually. 
I thought that LP was wrong, not because the material was bad, but because of me, as I thought I didn't do much ''soul searching'' as I answered the obvious questions of the LP based on my work and life capabilities.
Actions that I did after my LP course to find it :
I tried to to the LP for second time, and failed miserably as I can not trust myself responses anymore, as I am biased. Then I proceed with therapy for 2 years, learned a shit ton about myself, but still couldn't figure out the LP as tangible one phrase item. I then tried to go through Leo's booklist and read the L. Purpose related books, again not much, as you understand questions like ''what do you enjoy doing, that time flies when you do it?'' to a person who is manager in a start up tech fast pace environment, doesn't do the work, here time flies for even things I hate doing. Then I experimented for passion with few other interests for a couple of months: like poetry blogging and stand up comedy, again nothing that I felt that was it. I did psych trip with truffles, enquiring with my greater self for my LP, he said ''nothing matters'', which I understand from spiritual way but didn't do the work in a pragmatic way.  I even decided to go with the flow and let it find me for 1 year, again nothing happened, except I started getting in touch with playing music again as hobby. I even paid for the strength tests of Gallup & high5, to validate my strength points, but with no purpose & big picture, are useless. My lifestyle: I do cardio twice per week, I meditate daily. My diet is vegetarian. I trip in psychedelics occasionally. 
My hobbies now: Playing bass psych rock genre with some friends. 
Current emotional state: Recovering from nihilism I fell the last year, in process to create my own meaning. I am not blaming anyone or the product for me being lost, I made a promise to myself to find it, I just feel paralysed and dissapointed that  in my 34 years could not still to figure it out. Do i do something wrong? Even when I hear Leo in the video mentioning the LP, I feel so guilty & useless that I failed to do so. 

 

There are so many ways to do a spirituality biz.
Start by doing a few months of research on what already exists and what other people have done. Search the web, you'll find tons of stuff. And think outside the box of being a guru.
Also think about the biggest obstacles you faced in your spiritual journey and what kind of problems people commonly face in spirituality. You can basically start a biz around any single common problem.
In general, in order to enter an industry you must first become an avid consumer of it. As you consume and explore the industry you will see what works, what doesn't, what's missing, and what niches are available. You need a lot of experience consuming the industry you work in to find opportunities and to learn from what has already been done.
I broke my way into self-help by consuming a ton of self-help and seeing gaps and opportunities. No one was doing self-help in the way I wanted it done, so I started my own channel.

https://www.fda.gov/food/metals-and-your-food/mercury-levels-commercial-fish-and-shellfish-1990-2012
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mercury_in_fish
Rule of thumb: The larger the fish the more heavy metals it will have.
I wouldn't eat fish at all, especially if you plan to eat it weekly.
Mercury levels in fish are also on the rise in recent years. So things are getting worse every year.
There is no safe level of heavy metals in your brain/body, despite what the FDA/EPA might tell you.