Eph75

@Preety_India If you were to shift focus from the external and from others and onto, into yourself, and focus on your own self-development that can help you to better cope with the expressions BPD has for you, the chain of cause and effect would gradually change the world around you, in a positive direction. As long as you revert to engaging with external triggers, things will burn. What do you think you could do to build coping skills that might help you to handle yourself in a better, more constructive way, and to better understand when the shifts in emotional state happens? Have you tried anything so far? And if so, what change has that made for you?

It can be helpful to find a root cause, but it's as often is with trying to find the reasons why things are, that we look externally to find a justification or blame as to why we are the way we are. There's something here right now that is maintaining that low self-esteem, and it's ultimately not going to be out there, in the external world, it's going to be found within yourself, and that's where the change needs to happen. Changing ourselves is easier when we have a fuller back-story, but at the same time, we're much more likely to justify why we are the way we are, and to assign blame to those external factors. Focusing on what it is we are doing right now that maintains low self-esteem, and changing that behavior so that we promote self-worth is most important. And as we do that, the way we think and the way we see ourselves will change, and with that our view of and the meaning we attach to the past also changes. A god place to start is to become aware of what the self-talk that we're subject ourselves to looks like, and then manage self-talk, by having less of it, breaking negative self-talk and bending ourselves toward positive self-talk. It takes time and consistency. It's not easy. But it does work. If it took you a good portion of your life to get here, to dig your own hole, we have to accept that it will take time to climb our of it. We are in full control of this inner world of ours. Once we stop looking for external reasons, letting go of what was/is, and make it an internal journey of growth, that time can be dramatically reduced. So what is it that is holding on to "what was/is"? Where are you holding yourself back? What are you not doing that you want to do, that you are insecure about? When do you get anxious? Challange that, consistently, repeatedly and you will get more confidence in yourself, and build self-efficacy, a belief that you can succeed if you try. With that confidence that you can pursue whatever you want, and with reaffirming self-talk, self-esteem and self-worth will rebuild.

@Bob Seeker What causes you to "bum out"? There's always an event of sorts. The rest is just coping mechanisms, noise. Resilience is needed. To build great resilience we need an understanding of what lies beneath. It's hard to stand fast in a storm, being torn and tossed about. And it takes great effort. At some point we get exhausted, and break. When in good flow, we are resilient and won't allow ourselves to be "bummed out" by what lies underneath the surface. But bad flow will come, it's a matter of when, not if, and then we need positive coping strategies to "bounce back" from being dragged down by whatever bagage has made itself known. We're only as resilient as circumstance allow us to be. If we carry old bagage in our backpack, it will make itself known at those times. It's better to empty the bagage bit by bit until there's nothing left. At that point, what used to be known as storms are nought but us waving in the wind, with a cool breeze brushing through our hair.

By no means does being authentic mean easy. It takes courage. Courage to be ourselves and not be what is expected of us, or what we think we should be to fit in and be accepted by others. I'm not sure I fully follow but choose to interpret is into this direction: Yes, you do make up or imagine the world based on your thoughts, which is in par with your values and beliefs. These are the product of how you think. Change how you think, which happens all the time to some degree, and you shift your values and beliefs. With that also shifts what is authentic. Authentic means that we need to challenge ourselves. Into that which takes effort and where we feel resistence but know it's right. We need to invest. It's a transition into. In that transitioning we need to challenge ourselves to resist the urges that keep us away from being who we need to be. Minimum effort ≠ Authentic With great ego, comes great struggle. Deconstruct ego and what will be left is a reconstructed ego. We cannot be here and function without an ego. And that ego flows well with what is and authentic comes with the being with that flow.

Let's not conflate "truth realization" and "being authentic", it just confuses the situation. Everyone has a need to be authentic. Truth realization isn't for everyone. Unfortunately you can be an authentic asshole. The benefit is that others can see and know that you are authentically an asshole, and they can deal with you appropriately. That's the "good thing" with Trump, he, at least appears not to be hiding who he is. Too impulsive to hide it. But who knows if he sleeps well at night. By contrast, a psychopath is likely authentic. If you don't have a continence for doing bad, you can't be fixed, since you're not, per that definition, broken.

@Manusia Investigate, through your self-awareness who you "need to be", what your values and beliefs are, and then observe your actual attitude and behaviors. Do they match up and they feel intuitively and morally right? If not, there's likely a sensation within you that is telling you that you should regulate your attitude and behaviors. Regulate and become authentic and you will feel it. What's something that you know you shouldn't be doing that you have a hard time to shake? Sort that out and experience the positive sensation that follows. Repeat, over and over again and you get closer to authentic. Authentic is relative, there's no right or wrong that fits everyone, but we're generally pulling in the same "direction", as human nature wants us to grow. Watch out for fooling yourself that "wrong" is "right", ego is a sneaky bastard.

@Vynce??

And it's not your mind that you have "desensitised" rather than it being a physical thing?

A question that comes up for me is "why?". Why do you want to measure this, what's the desired outcome that you want to reach by being able to assess the stage of someone else. Sentence completion tests is just a way to assess the complexity in someone's sense-making that is behind what shows up in the sentences themselves. You can sense the complexity in someone's reasoning by having a conversation where you take more of a coaching stance, ask open-ended questions, listen actively to not just the words but the holistic expression of the person. Coaching is in essence a way to help people structure themselves in such ways that they might learn how to get themselves unstuck from, and creating shifts in their current ways of seeing things. The complexity in their answers mirrors the ability to see multiple perspectives, hold contradictory information, and so on. This will be expressed through ever changing values and believes, into something increasingly complex. Which shows up in for example the sentences test. In that sense, a coaching conversation aim to be a developmental conversation, helping to grow someone developmentally. It doesn't have an agenda of itself, and what kind of development might be the result depends on the person and agenda. Think developmental lines from integral theory, or development being different fields, in which cognitive and ego development helps us create and develop how we see our version of the world. Assessing others is meaningless unless the purpose is to help them to grow, or to help yourself to grow by adding complexity to how you perceive them, without demanding them to change (futile) - which doesn't need an assessment but it helps with structuring your own thoughts, as long as you recognize that you are always more or less incorrect and that placing hard labels will lock perspectives down - which is the opposite of what we'd want. The need to assess someone, and the underlying reasons why, in itself says something about how your own sense-making is formed, and now it gets interesting, when turning the mirror onto ourselves. Or possibly when trying to solve a problem in which people are part of the equation, and the complexity that people brings into it, to see it from a more systemic perspective and how the parts interact to create something that is perceived as "problematic" (which would be defined by the level of complexity of your sense-making). When looked at from a point of higher complexity these levels or stages are easier to see, where people show up, and some people are quite "stereotypical", but many people are hard to assess, and you might very well misunderstand the underlying complexity by forcing it into your "frame" of thinking. It's easier when "interviewing" and observe a sequence of questions that "disects" the previous answers to see what is just words and expression and what the underlying, dynamic, sense-making looks like. Notice how something with a higher complexity can be perceived as "nonsense". The ego is great at making you think that you understand it, by effectively forcing something more complex into a less complex "box".

@Realms of Wonder Why? Simple, to avoid deconstruction of the ego. It's a defence mechanism to maintain ego - and to grow it stronger. Just imagine starting to find explanations why what we see as being desired outcomes not being reached, being within ourselves? We'd require ourselves to adjusting our attitudes, values and beliefs? Who knows where that ends. There'd be nothing left of "me" if starting out on that slippery slope. As already mentioned, 100% responsibility is the road. You could start with reading The Responsibility Process by Christopher Avery. This is closely connected to realizing that the world is a product of how we see it, and not something objectively defined of its own. And assuming responsibility dramatically, and quickly, changes the world as we see it, and the world as we experience it. That's the hard way forward. The easy way is stagnation, maintaining current world views. Blaming and justifying effectively pushes anything that we don't like away from us, onto others, so that we don't need to assume any responsibility to influence by changing ourselves. That's essentially it, we can't change others, we can only change ourselves. And by changing ourselves, others MIGHT change themselves as a by-product, but there are no guarantees. This is a great stepping-stone towards developing complexity of one's sense-making, and to expand into multi-perspectival thinking.

@Husseinisdoingfine Surrender the idea of knowing and of preconceived ideas being anything else than just thoughts. They're not you, and you are not them. They just are. With the disidentification with your thoughts, triggers disappear, as there won't be anything to be sensitive of. Contemplate this, often, as a proactive measure. Return to this when your triggers tingle, as a reactive measure. Piece by piece "you", as you know it, will fade away. What remains is the mere awareness, the act of observation, and thoughts rising and fading away.

This is culturally different. To me and from where I come this feels very obsolete. It's something that my 70 year old parents would say just because that's the way it should and need to be. They don't "understand" the options, they're just not right. Men used to be the economical dominance and paying for everything while women weighting in with other factors to maintain a dynamic in the relationship. With increasing gender-equality women want more equal rights, not only in society but also in relationships. This gets counteracted by the holding on to the man only being a man if he pays. Not anything needs to be this or that way. The who-does-what is an ultimately an agreement, between two people, where the cultural expectation needs to give way just like the expectation for women to be the ones that by default should cook, clean and take care of children. From expectation to choice. And of course this takes who has the majority of the income into account, but leave gender outside of the equation. This doesn't make you "room mates", does the definition of "more than room mates" equate to "man pays"? It also doesn't mean that the man can't be the one that pays. It just doesn't make that assumption. Men often wants to pay and take care of/spoil his partner. What happens in a non-traditional relationship between another combination than man-woman partnership? Are expectations different then, or does one assume the masculine role and is expected to pay as well? Very likely, but doesn't that more-so put the need for agreements more into light. It shouldnt be one way or the other. Communication is the key. It's a patriarcal phenomenon that is beneficial for women. Removing other patriarcal phenomena to achieve equality but maintaining that which benefits the woman doesn't support gender-equality. It's not surprising though. Essentially paying for the woman would be paying for her devotion/gratitude. The woman feels taken care of, and the man feels important, the care-taker. It matters where in the world we are, and how progressive our specific country is. There's not one answer. The more ridig the answer the more likely holding dogma. The US is still very traditional from many aspects. Everything in a relationship boils down to the ability to communicate in a creative and constructive way. As does this. Without communication there are unsurfaced assumptions and expectations. Expectations are resentments in the making. We can only control ourselves. All else, if need stay healthy, needs to be based on acceptance within others. If not, it's us pushing ego onto other. That doesn't mean we need to accept the opposite. We're free to choose. === Focusing on being one's own financial pillar and manage own spends is a form of freedom, a freedom that can be transcended. Dependancy is not. Dependancy holds us back, unless we surrender into it, from where it can be trancended too. You can only make this your own choice. It cannot be chosen for others.

@AliceK The reasons and expectations behind these kind of things are always complex. It's your responsibility to talk to him. Not accusing him of being cheap, treating you wrong or even to change his perspective. It's about communicating your perspective, and what you feel. Whatever he does with that is his choice. To work up the ability to communicate well with one's partner is fundamental, and essential when it comes to the very things that are difficult to talk about. Assumptions and delaying or avoiding saying how you feel only births resentment. It's also about you understanding his perspective, finding out what is it that makes hum "frugal". Maybe he has specific reasons. It's interesting how far constructive communication can go. It's also interesting how few couples that really can talk to each other. About him choosing a fancy restaurant and you paying sounds like it's more about you needing to set boundaries, which again points toward the kind of communication you want in your relationship. If he likes fancy, it's reasonable that he chooses fancy and pays for fancy. And when you pay, it's reasonable that it's based on choices that you are comfortable with. If not, again, resentment ensues.

@cjoseph90 If you don't want to "be a drinker" and can't resist the urge, then the guilt might be telling you that you need to be authentic and you should work on your authenticity. Is your image of your ideal self coming from you, or is it the adoptation of someone else's, or a cultural idea of what an ideal self should be like? It needs to be your self-made ideal so that it's you being authentic to who you want/need to be. If the guilt is wholly irrational, and the drinking is benign, then you need to work allowing yourself to enjoy the drinks without feeling guilt. If the drinking isn't benign and it's posing some risk or threat, maybe past experiences with alcohol is telling you someting, and that needs to be explored. You need to listen to and feel into that guilt to figure out what it's really telling you. What do you think yourself, about what it might be telling you?

@PepperBlossoms Without a doubt managing self-talk, cutting out everything negative about yourself, minimize the need for self-criticism/judgment, which also stretches to the criticism of others. Often we criticise others to indirectly meet a need to lift ourselves. Know when you judge, and try not to. Even smallest and seemingly benign self directed comment like thinking "cluts" when dropping something. Don't. When seeing yourself in a mirror, there should be zero judgment. The mirror is just a reflection, make it functional. Be very careful what you say to yourself, because you're listning. The second thing I'd say to make sure that you're being authentic. If you're not allowing your authentic self to shine through, then you are literally faking life. Be authentic as much as possible, minimize personas/façades. Feeling fake is detrimental to self-esteem. Authenticity allows for confidence in self, and helps bringing a stronger positive self-image.

@patricknotstar I recognize this in myself, well, it manifests slightly differently by there never being anyone blocking me but instead circumstances being the blocker. There are always restrooms to use but there's always something wrong with them. Usually broken doors and exposed to a very busy public and they being extremely filty, and I mean filthy to the point of there being all kinds of filth and poo smeared everywhere, and backed up toilets that are filled to the rim. For some reason this is always in a some sort of school like environment, and not at all uncommon that there's a time pressure and being late to some class. I'm in my mid 40's so this is kind of "strange". I've been exposed to all kinds of restroom-challenges, all of which are degrees of bizarre. Needing to pee seriously messes with the dreamstates - all of them. I love it, highly entertaining albeit with a very desperate notion. Just the awareness of the physical need that seeps through into the dream narrative, and the deeply rooted need to not-let-it-go. Theres all sorts of similar indicators going on both in sleep and awaken life but only recognizable once you've become aware of what it's trying to tell you.

No that's just how my mind works. A constant flow of this kind of bullshit. It's not really vague though, if you stay with it.

From this point of view it's impossible not to conflate femininity with attributes that the male (or attracted) finds compelling and attractive. Where is the breakpoint between being feminine and trying to be attractive to men? How can we even tell, as we're so deeply programmed towards attraction. That leaves femininity to predominately include attractive, desirable features, and not anything that is less attractive or unattractive to men. Does it have to be attractive to be feminine? Or is it about a power dynamic at play where the two halves need to come together is a state that creates a sensation of equilibrium? Where masculine is predominately "this way" and feminine is predominately "that way" but where there is no room for individuality? Breaking it down, it becomes more about the dynamic than about specific characteristics, and not limited to male and female or two individuals but also essential to the equilibrium that can be reached within ourselves. Strong "this or that" in ourselves, need a certain dynamic of other to have strong something else, to reach that equilibrium. I can't say what is feminine without telling what attracts me more than not. That is also shallow and I recognize that those things have nothing to do with the equilibrium. And what positively affects that dynamic play ultimately isn't about someone else, it's about me. An example would be the pianist video in a previous post; attractive, sensual, alluring, graceful movement, glittery, girly, slim, devoted, invested, skillful and such a thing as the hand slowly touching the seat at the end. Call it feminine it you like. It's also a façade, a persona, a game. The distinction what authentic feniminity is feels much more interesting. That takes the attracted part out of the equation, but still the attractor's biases and self-deciet need to taken into account. Impossible to overcome? To me it comes down to dropping façades, persons and exiting the game. There's really no need to play, when the desire to play drops away. Then what is true femininity would shine through, and it will attract, maybe not the same, but someone.

@Carl-Richard I like it. What throws me off a bit is "development" - are you trying to say that development leads to internal health or that development results in a way of being and a way of meaning-making that develops internal health? From my perspective there is something limiting being and meaning-making, laying itself over both like a wet blanket that sufficates the emergence of internal health. Removing or reducing that something is what matters most for "IH". It's like driving a car with the handbreak engaged or one foot on the break, causing friction and inhibits forward movement and causes different kind of friction and regular breakdowns minimizing forward movement, or cause regressions (taking the vessel back to the shop for maintenance). This is what we do, unaware of it being us breaking ourselves out of a smooth ride. It's all suppored by your "lens". Development defined as the increase of the complexity that serve our ability to create more complex meaning of what is happening in and around us, directly feeds into "M". That complexity increase of "M" catalyzes a deeper sense of purpose, and brings awareness of the existence of noise in our "B". The fundamental human need to bring clarity, to regulate the "signal-to-noise" level in our being, by amplifying the signal, and reducing the noise, inevitably introduces such self-regulating practices as meditation (resulting in noise reduction) and mindfulness (ability or focus and amplify signal over noise), in one form or another. The correlation between increased complexity of the meaning we are able to make for ourselves, and the increase of "relaxed" being allowing to flux and flow with what is rather than resist the currents of the reality we're finding ourselves in, introduces an equilibrium of the pressures we're subjected to, that consitite the very need for and the emergence of an increased "IH". As you say, there's a requirement of a certain level of balance which gets defined by the meaning we make, which inevitably define previous elements of being as "problematic" when matched against newly emerging desired outcomes, and the limitation these pose to continued evolution of "self". This forces us, through some discomfort, to address at least the most fundamental flaws that make up that handbreak that prevents not only "IH" but the developmental feedback loop as a whole. Over time less critical limitations will become more critical and will be self-regulated until such a point the discomforts no longer affects the stability of "IH", and only remain as some awareness of, rather than limitation by. This regulation is one of if not the most fundamental characteristic of human beings, part of our survival, and the only thing we really need to do, today, is to let up on our own handbreak, and enjoy the inertia dissolving, and the building up of "developmental movement". It's inevitable, but we're too busy fighting it by supporting the resistence for it to happen without great friction. The most interesting point of this unfolding is when the majority of energy has shifted to be redistributed into feeding back into self-development, rather than to manage the self-created resistance. An increase in "IH" can then be seen as the by-product of healthy development. In actuality the cross-influence is a significant factor. My apologies, I got a bit carried away. Love your posts, very inspiring

@fopylo That sounds great just keep going.. A note on responsibility. It's not hard to take responsibility when push comes to shove, and around external things, as you mention, driving, camp and so on. High personal responsibility shows up in the little things, that seem little, but that makes all the difference. Ultimately, I'd say, what matters most is how you are "responsible" around managing your inner world, and maybe most of all those resistences that we feel that reason us to choose the easiest way out, away from responsible external choices. Building strong responsibility by managing ourself in that way, around our behaviors and attitudes is self-leadership, and exumes "responsibility". I dare say that is what your parents are longing to see, responsibility showing up in the small. Let's say you do two things starting tomorrow: A) You get our of bed and go to bed at a "normally accepted hour", no snoozing, no slipping, maintained discipline. B) You take one deliberate action that is responsible each day, varying that something each day, so that you just don't add one thing and repeat that. It doesn't have to be "monumental" but it would have to be something that is a stretch for you, meaning that it's something that you would otherwise procrastinate around, and around which you feel some level of resistance towards. Then keep it up, keep going, wait and see.. Your parents will recognize it, very soon. But more importantly, you will feel great about yourself. It's got a lot to do with our brain chemistry, but also you gain control over your inner world, which is the one thing that we can control. Those choices, to do that which we feel resistent towards, to take control over ourselves by own choice, makes us feel authentic. It's a great feeling, and you already know it is, you've felt it before, many times, but maybe not in a deliberate and controlled way. Also it adds a sense of agility, changeability, and possibility to have movement. If you don't have a vision, you're not moving in a specific direction, but that's OK. It comes down to building a "moveability" that you can call up for yourself where/when needed. Which turns out being all the time, everywhere. Find a vision and you maximize the outcomes from the movements, towards some direction. But imagine for youself, that a vision doesn't have to be "change the world", "get financially independent" or something else "monumental". How about starting out with envisioning taking charge of yourself (inner world) so that you can use yourself as a tool to achieve some outcome of choice. The goals becomes building self-control and sense of self-efficacy. Visions can change, and should change. Our outlook keeps changing as we make movement. Reassessing the direction of movement is natural, and over time, the direction becomes more clear, and this can be a lifetime project, not something that you must figure out at your age. That movement though, that's fundamental. Without self-leadership, the ability to influence your behaviors and attitudes, visions are just mirages. The most "funny" part is that you could change this forever, today! It's that "simple", but it's not "easy". It's just the motivation and assertedness that is missing. And sometimes, just making a explicit choice to start is what's needed That choice is in your hands, right here, right now. Grab it

@fopylo If you didn't have to integrate with society, it wouldn't matter at all. The only reason you "have the energy" is that you've skewed your operating hours of the day, away from what's normally accepted hours. Result is being tired at different hours, combined with a certain level of need for sleep, which is individual. Do you have a vision for yourself? What is that vision? Does these skewed hours support that vision? I avoid labels as good or bad, since our behaviors, attitudes and perspectives in general either are supportive to achieve what we're envisioning, or they don't. So there's a functional value in "either - or", not universal "good or bad". If you lack vision and you skew the day, it's fully understandable that a parent worry about one's child's ability to or inability to make responsible choices and be a responsible person. Responsible being defined by their perspectives. Does that make sense? So this calls out to you to honestly - as you might find resistance to state something honest to youself - assess whether you are relatively responsible towards what would be authentically "responsible" to you. If you know that isn't the responsible thing to do, then it's a behavior issue and you not being able to regulate your own behaviors so that you can be authentic. Maybe the lack of seeing what you want for yourself is the problem. No vision. Assuming you love with your parents, that can't go on forever. So what comes next? Calls out to create a vision, to get goals, to make it happen... But what is it? What's "right", i.e. supports what you want, you need t no figure out yourself

@Preety_India What if self-love isn't about adding something and instead it's about removing something that isn't authentically you, that creates the cognative dissonance that shows up as self-doubt, takes a hit on your self-esteem and -confidence. When are you not authentic? When do you step into façades trying to be what you are not, creating appearances when the deeper you know that's not true. Playing games, appearing confident, arguing, hard beliefs and fixed sense of self. The discrepancy we feel when this is from where we operate... which is from where we all operate until we awaken to it, will mess with self-acceptance and our ability to have compassion and love ourselves. The "enemy" or rather obstacle or limitation is once again ourselves, our ego and ignorance and dillusion is what is needed to overcome. Removing, deconstructing that which surpresses the inner quality that, inevitably always is good is what removes the veil that shrouds us. Most importantly of all, that deconstruction forces us to remove all focus on finding something external that we can add that should fix something. It doesn't need fix, it just needs reducing or removing the noise that drowns out that clarity so that we can't see that it's really always there. It's just drowned out by the dillusion of it needing to be found.

@Preety_India It would rather show up as, "what are likely things that would cause a crash?" Possible causes: Fiddling with your cellphone while driving is one example of things that are likely to cause crashes, so we can be extra attuned to not using the phone in the car, using handsfree or turning you phone off while driving, especially if there's challenging traffic. Being in a hurry is another thing that is likely to cause the crash. We can focus on leaving well in time, and having plenty of time for unforeseen things to happen on the way to wherever you're going. If living in a snowy and icy climate, lack of traction and skidding into other traffic is often causing crashes, which allow us to checkup on our studded tyres, that they are in good quality, rubber is soft and plenty of studs left. Or weather in general, if the conditions are bad, we need to drive carefully, or even consider driving another day. By visualizing the things that are likely to go wrong and cause a failure, one can be proactive with avoiding those scenarios by introducing healthy processes and attitudes that end up being preemptive. It allows for building predefined strategies that help reducing risk of failure - to approach consequentialism in a rational way. A premortem shouldn't be confused with worrying and catastrophic thinking, that's not helpful and typically end up in unlikely, far-fetched scenarios. So, focus fully on finding plausible causes to proactively prevent common failures eliminating real risks, not fantasies. Pure fantasies wouldn't show up in a premortem, as they are not plausible.