Eph75

If it wasn't obvious to you already, I'm sorry to say, no, you do not. To say the words because "we should" have trust is completely pointless. Not trusting isn't something to be ashamed of. It is just a fact, and recognizing thta fact is a cue to become deliberate about working on building trust. If you really did trust her, you would not have entertained this idea, but deeply know that it is not a problem. Ask yourself; Do you have valid reasons not to trust her, i.e. she has proven herself not trustworthy? Or, does this live in your insecurities? Make this about you, not her, and see it as a personal growth opportunity. Deliberately let her leave showing full confidence in her. Showing that you don't trust breaks her trust in you. It would actually push her away, not attract her towards you, creating a stronger, trust based bond. Introspect and fully feel into what you feel in this process; as she's leaving, while she's gone and when she comes back. What thoughts and feelings are coming up for you throughout (before, during, after) that process? What needs to change, in you, to be able to have trust, and to address building the trust that is missing, between the two of you. Trust isn't about being navie, and choosing to be blind to whatever might be there, it goes both ways, and it's something that is built, it's not served on a silver platter. Feeling psychological safety is product of that process. Feeling safe, you in your mind, and her in hers. Trust exists between the two of you, and it needs to go both ways. Building this starts with you, so can you support that process actively/deliberately making this something that helps you grow as a person?

Absolutely. I'd differentiate between listening to advice, gather information, and use what resonates best and matches best to oneself, than not listening to advice at all. But I get what you mean, don't abide to anyone's advice, just use the input to gain more clarity to make better calls. It all comes down to the root. The path to getting to the root is not one, and as you say, sometimes incorporating more than one. Consciously doing so develops us.

That's a not all that fair and flawed reasoning/comparison, as baldening is a natural state, and not at all state that is dysfunctional and harmful to the psychical health of the person. 200 kg overweight is. Both do have the psychological aspect though, but equating them doesn't really make sense. Rather equating not lean, not muscular, not ripped, but having a "healthy portion" of body fat. Then add to that, having an "awkward" body shape, that makes whatever you got not looking comparatively great in contrast to the social norm of what beautiful looks like, ads, magazines, social media and so on. Accepting one's individuality both in terms of authentic self expression and physical appearance, despite it being different from what would be preferred/great/perfect is ultimately healthy. Pathological obsessiveness with that "healthy amount of" body fat and the awkwardness of bodliy shape leads to mental health issues, possibly spiraling into self-loathing, or worse. Even at its smallest manifestation, this forum thread is birthed from a mental dis-ease perspective. The hair is the symptom. The current composition of the mind is the root cause. We could easily chase the symptoms of life like it was a game of whack-a-mole, but it soon gets tiresome. There's also a good chance that one starts losing one's individuality in that process, trying to be who we think that we should be to fit in, rather than being what's authentic to us. There are most likely underlying reasons for the 200 kg overweight, where food has become a coping mechanism, turned to rather than facing and working on the underlying issues, quite possibly having spiraled out of control. Balding is not, unless it's a physiologically treatable condition, that causes hair loss as a side-effect, and not as a biological phenomena. With that said, this says absolutely nothing about having or not having any hair. What authentic is, what feels free, is just that, up to the individual to decide. That means, the grounds ones choices stand on, matters, a lot. This is perfect, if you can accept your condition, and love yourself.

Regardless, the path forward is developing acceptance of self, and ultimately self-love. It would be pretty odd if one shaved or kept ones hair for the sake of someone else, or for something else, while feeling like shit about it. Although, that's what most probably would do, for the sake of being accepted by others, we sacrifice ourselves and what truly matters most. Abiding the delusion of needing to do/be one or the other to fulfill an underlying desire. Ultimately to be worthy of love and belonging. The only way to get peace and to develop acceptance is to challenge the underlying feelings and mindset related to hair, head shape, and appearance in general, and explore how that connects to self-worth and self-esteem.

Cut your hair down to 0.5 - 1 mm (essentially as short as possible without being shaved) and get used to it by choice, fully embrace who you are without hair. Once your comfortable by choice, you can grow it out and it will be much easier to remove the hair when the time comes when it's "too thin" and holding on to it looks desperate. I wouldn't say that I'm balding, but I've developed significant hair curves and hair has thinned out quite a bit, as well as a bald spot at the top/back of my head is starting to show (clearly visible but wouldn't define it as bald). I originally got rid of my hair due to my low self-esteem and resulting vanity about my hair style, and got used to not having hair and detached from being partly defined by how my hair looked. Didn't do this based on my hair thinning. But now I am comfortable with any hair, although I have grown my hair back for the time being, about a year and a half ago, and that's when the hair thinning became obvious. I'm fully confident about removing my hair, I could literally do it right now and I nor anyone else would care, as I've gone from no hair to hair on and off in the past to be fully comfortable with me regardless of my hair, and I have proven that no one else care either. Long story short, the best thing you can do is to fully love yourself, balding hair and big forehead as you see it now. Holding on to the past creates suffering, and hair as you desire it is obviously a thing of your past, not your future. You could always implant or treat your scalp to slow the hair thinning down, but ultimately thin is where you're going, it's a matter of when and how much you resist it. There's plenty of guys that remove their hair based on it being thin, and plenty of guys that remove their hair from choice, perhaps based convenience or as in my case, personal challlenge/development. There are plenty of old people that have full heads of artificial hair, toupees, wigs, colored thin hair, comb-overs, turban looking contraptions and so on that look 100% unnatural and draw more attention than a young-mid age person with a very shortly cut or shaved hair. The latter I would likely never be noticed. The former stands out at someone who desperately holds on to the past that has slipped away from them. Short story got long. Ask yourself who you want to be, that makes you feel free and authentic, and not driven by fears of what others, and you, think or feel about your head. Then embrace it and fully accept your choice.

The only way that everything could be free, would be if everyone contributed equally with services that are needed, which isn't necessarily or even likely to be realizing your dreams, but to be the equivalent of a worker ant who does not question it's individuality in favor of providing that service, that essentially becomes allotted to that person-ant, so that "it" can be a cog in the system. There's always going to be lazy ants or free-loathers, what should the system do with these people? The answer is likely to be to accept that some will not participate and let the remainder of the system work a bit harder to accommodate those that does not, or doesn't not fully contribute. Morale is going to drop, as people get fed up with working harder, and the group that lives of the system will grow with time. Morale will drop further, as people get fed up with breaking their backs and living lives that are "all work and no play", to maintain the system and keeping it from collapsing. I'm curious, what's your theory on how this could become possible, from which you build the belief "that there's no reason why everything shouldn't be free" ?

I'd diffentiate between being conservative, and appearing conservative to someone/you based on interpretation. Say [esp. less healthy] green could perceive yellow as "conservative" because yellow would not necessarily agree with green manifestation. For example, yellow would be for change, but against specific change that would bring damaging imbalances from a systemic point of view. Foreseeing damaging longer term side-effects, second, third or maybe fourth order effect , where green may be acting emotionally on their humanitarian value system. A different approach would be more beneficial. That could be interpreted as being conservative, sustaining what is, while the systemic perspective gets lost in translation. In a sense, either you are "with us" , "progressive", or you are "against us", "conservative". Yellow does not automatically mean being good as clearly communicting something or ability to angle things in a disarming way. Yellow isn't conservative, but also yellow doesn't automatically mean being comfortable with change, or not having internal resistences. Those are human, and yellow is still human. Theory (mind) and actual practice don't always align. Progressive can be damaging if done in a less conscious way. Pushing for change for the same of change or ideology produce systemic impacts that are difficult or impossible to reverse, and a future branches out in a direction that needs to mend the new imbalance, always causing ripple effects. In a way this is how development happens, it's not linear. But it can be more or less of a detour, especially when systemic cause and effects and possible correlations might be seen or predicted beforehand. Unrestricted progressive will run in a sprint-like fashion, while humanity is a marathon.

A coaching like stance in a conversation, means asking questions or in other supporting ways help others to get lost in thought and self-exploration. Coaching should have no agenda or desired outcome other than help people grow in whatever ways they best need. In that sense, there is no room or need for teaching, mentoring and least of all preaching. And this, as a process, helps accelerating the growth process of others. I'm reading into this, a coaching like approach inside essentially an arbitrary conversation, for the sake of others finding whatever benefit they need for themselves, based on a mode of conversation that increases the chances of being catlyzing. Is the need to do something like this likely to stem from some personal need to fill some gap? Well yeah sure. Everything we do is biased in some way or another. That doesn't make it bad. And it can be very helpful and impactful on an individual's life, it can help change people's lives, iterally. Coaching and it's effects are documented. Just like therapy is. And still, in both cases, it's the other person that needs to define the problem/need and also do the work needed. I'd stretch as far as to say that we should do this in every single conversation that we have. It's essentially just great communication and relationship building skills. Simply a means of having great and increasingly deep and meaningful conversations with others.

A urologist looks at this from a psychical perspective. Therapy, a therapist/psychologist looks at the implications your mind and way of seeing/thinking about things affect you, psysically. ❤️ Look at this as your "dick issues" being your mind/body calling out to you that something else is not right. And that you should take action. If so, it's not about your dick, it's about something else, and focusing on your dick just makes your dick an ever bigger problem that adds more anxiety. Pills helps removing focus from the "dick symptom" so that you can focus on the heart of the matter. That would be yet another angle to work on this. You already know the path you need to walk. That's 4 possible angles to action, that combined will amplify the process. - Address the erection problems with medication. Depression is a valid reason to get a prescription. It also eases strain on your relationship which is a huge part of your support system. - Therapy helps working out the root causes of your depression. - Meditating works as an amplifier in itself. Like a blanket of calmness in the process. Increasing focus and calmness of mind. - Socializing more, to meet belonging needs, and to challenge the introverted side of self, that *may* be what you need.

@Dany Balan Re-read my post please. None of that is about addressing physical health, it's about mental health. Anxiety and depression will have the effects you mention, and you have a plausible explanation when and why it happened. Addressing your depression and anxiety is what you need. Meanwhile (!) get a prescription for Cialis which will help you with the wood, even if you take a fraction of a pill. Not needing to deal with anxiety around sex is one step towards creating positive movement in working out your depression. Gives you a bit more space to breath. Work this from multiple angles. It's great that you have psychical workout routines and eat healthy. That's a good foundation! Now tend to your mind. Would you consider exploring together with a therapist?

For sure telling people what to do or what to be does not work. People want to choose, or have the illusion of choice. To feel in control of their lives. Where choice lacks, resistence is high. You cannot make the horses drink the water, you might not even be able to lead them there, but you can make the water appear more appealing, so that one or a few horses start craving a drink. Influence can happen, but only if the receiver is susceptible. Where dogma rules, wasted effort will happen. These kind of efforts are two folded, they are equally much about oneself becoming more capable to catalyze change, to change oneself in that process, and to help others have a positive impact on their own lives. What that change would be is not ours to choose, it's theirs. In a sense, these efforts have undefined outcomes, other than creating spaces where shared sense making happens, where new perspectives can show up, and shifts can happen. They are about catlyzing potential shifts by helping raising awareness of oneself, not telling or showing anyone what's right or wrong. The largest challenge is it being some form of social media platform or group, with internet culture, where people are not usually their authentic selves but rather a imagined, distorted digital self-image.

You should watch Leo's latest video, he's speaking to you in that one

@Dany Balan I second @Inliytened1's comment. If you get stuck in your head about this, it will escalate. Even if it's psychological e.g. Cialis can help in the sense that it let's you get out of your head and build new confidence, as you can rely on performing, and thus break an unfavorable thought spiral. Also, how are you doing generally, psychologically, depression, stress, a lot on your mind or other things going on? Is there something that you should address separately that might mess with your general mental state?

@Blackhawk This isn't directly related to the OP. I know that you think these thoughts serve you well, in the sense that they verify the world as you experience it. While the thoughts affirms what you "know", they don't serve you well from a transformational perspective. They keep you firmly fixed in the world view that you currently have, that I think you do acknowledge as "dysfunctional". Not meaning that you are dysfunctional, but that the world around you is dysfunctional and essentially, as a results, treats you in an unfavorable way. This being confirmed by you thinking that you aren't attractive enough, and that people won't accept you for who you are, based on that, which you "know", by experience. Basically, there's no arguing with that, as it is, in your world, "true" and "confirmed" by yourself, yes? What if what you need, in deeper sense, isn't good looks, which you probably could control to some degree. Nor is it for others to change, which you certainly cannot control. Have you ever contemplated that the way you relate, attach meaning to things and the resulting world view and view of yourself as well as the people in it, is the result of your way of relating? And that, if your focus is being switched from affirming that the outside world is "against you", your focus better serves you by being on your mindset. I'm not saying that you should shift from thinking you're less attractive to being more attractive. It's much more fundamental than that. - Positive thoughts vs negative ones - actively looking for opportunities vs seeing obstacles everywhere - Push for growth and movement vs entertaining a deep belief that what is, is fixed and can't be done anything about I could easily say that this is the path forward, and we're you to walk this path, you would absolutely change as a human being. You probably already feel the resistance against possibility of this being true or even remotely possible. And if it were, it would be others and that you are some kind of exception from the rule. It's the right-hand side of those three mindset traits that is working away on you. Only by shifting how we see things, we can allow outselves to see and experience a different world, within what's already there, in our field of experience. Those mindset traits determines whether we see a beautiful, supporting world full of opportunities that are ripe to be picked, by you, where you feel powerful and in control of your choices - or - whether you see a world that is dark, grim, full of problems, let-downs and that is essentially "out to get you", where you is the victim of circumstances. It's only when, deliberately, you can recognize the unfavorable mindset traits that you hold, that you can shift to try to adopt, and transition into holding a more constructive mindset. This isn't rocket science, but it's by no means easy to achieve. Mostly because of the nature of our mindset itself, as it defines the dogma that keep us running in the same old ruts that got us stuck in the first place. But instead of trying something new, we struggle with the same tactics that got us there, and that we deep down already know, won't get us out of those ruts. Rather they make the ruts deeper, getting increasingly stuck, with the obstacles growing increasingly monumental. Could I suggest you a summer read to learn more about growth mindsets, and maybe you could deliberately entertain the idea of this crazy thing called "growth mindset" possibly being true, and something you could practice and adopt to successively change your world into something more positive? (It's not explicitly dealing with "hot girlfriends" , but that's the point, that need is just a symptom of things on a deeper level that needs attention) The book is Mindset by Carol Dweck, and it's also available on as audiobook if you don't care for reading. See it as an investment in yourself, and try to approach it with an open mind. I'd also suggest that you re-read this post, slow down, and try reading it thinking about how positivity, opportunity and growth would interpret this post.

Same here, still am, in multiple arenas, not for the sake of results, but for the sake of doing, simply because you can, and the prospect of doing something for humanity. Hold on there cowboy Effort is finite, and how it's spend should be decided with care. I'm curious though... What would your efforts to raise consciousness look like, as you imagine it? What does raising consciousness really mean, within this kind of group context? What kind of social groups do you have in mind? What makes this any Different from what is, or could be happening, right here, right now?

Yes, and everything is at movement, always, even when it doesn't seem so, smaller or greater movement. The design when done "right" just helps with setting a greater pace of change

Which by no means negates such efforts, but includes them

Would only work if you managed to shift at least one person's mindset while doing do, otherwise the group dynamic just flexes back to whatever manifestation it represented when you entered, and by doing so, temporarily changed the group dynamic. That shift in that [minimum] one person would have to be strong enough for it to maintain continued influence, after you leave that group. That would imply that influencing the group isn't the path forward, but targeting specific people that holds the potential to A) be open to shifting, and B) impose continued positive (as you deem it) influence on the group dynamics. If the group is a loosely coupled set of individuals, e.g. too large with many inconsistent contributors, that vary from time to time, the culture is a more complex sum of the total of the individuals in that group, often united by deficiency needs and fears, compared to a group with prominent, consistent contributors where there are leaders and followers. What the desired outcome is matters, and the path, and the means to move in a desires direction needs to be carefully selected, to move towards the desired outcome. Also working from as many directions as possible, and as many key individuals as possible, as a coordinated effort. I do think that this is utopian thinking and that, without knowing what social media groups you're thinking of, those groups are the least likely to be susceptible to shifting. People typically don't want to, and are not looking to change themselves. So change would need to happen despite their resistances, and ultimately change must be created within themselves, by themselves. It's easier to play on people's needs and frustrations, to catalyze negativity, than it is to catalyze positive change within people. Just look this forum. You would think that people are here to change, that's the whole point of self-actualization, a never ending quest for a better tomorrow self, realizing the dormant inherent potential that all of us hold. Yet, people put up huge resistence to allowing actual change, even so. Rather wanting the world around them to change, to meet their needs, than them changing how they attach meaning to the world, and thus changing how the world shows up to them. Long-term consistency is needed, by *someone*. That someone can't be you, or me, it needs to be someone else, as this would have to be permanent, to the composition of that group, and scalable, which neither of us are. Which bring it all back to targeting key individuals, purposefully, and in ways deliberately designed in such ways that they respond best to, to catalyze them to shift themselves.

If you manage your pizza eating habit and make that sustainable from a health perspective that's great. Although, that doesn't mean it will be a healthy experience for most people.

Well, to start with, let's not compare e.g. Neapolitan style pizza with the typical grease bomb pizzas that seem to be the norm in most places. American style pizza is much to cheezy and greasy for me. Americans also seem to be addicted to adding sugar into foods, where I would find sugar strange. We have different taste preferences. The pizzas you find in the typical around-the-corner pizzerias in Sweden might be a little bit less unhealthy, depending on which pizza you buy, but still unhealthy. Although Neapolitan style pizza is getting more and more popular, they are, from my experience, rather a Neapolitan hybrid than being pure Neapolitan style. Traditional Neapolitan style pizza is a whole different deal and is quite healthy and doesn't have much cheeze, rather small islands of mozzarella cheeze, and light, airy and easily digestible bread. And especially so compared to these other pizza styles, and these franchises mentioned here. Pizza is a much too wide of a concept to say all is bad, but undoubtedly the majority is pizza lean towards being the unhealthy kind and generally best avoided. The amount of pizza of course matters. Most pizzas are much too much food, especially store bought. There can be too much of a "good thing" as well, doesn't need to be pizza, to turn something healthy into unhealthy by consuming unhealthy amounts. Why do we eat pizzas, might be more interesting to ask, ourselves. Do we buy it because we're too lazy to cook? Do we use it as comfort food, as a coping mecahnism, or do we feed some kind of addiction? And also why feel a need to defend eating pizzas, instead of just eating it, if we're confident that the version we do eat is on the healthier end of the pizza spectrum.

The whole obsession with career and finding ones life purpose can be toxic and anxiety inducing. What role does this play in you feeling depressed? Finding life purpose is supposed to be something that is freeing not the source of feeling like you're failing someone, society or self. The challenges to get "there" will cause some anxiety, but that's healthy challenging of internal resistance. Not having found what your direction is shouldn't make you feel bad. That's more connected to the false expectations, and probably impatience driven by instant gratification, social media so on. So what if you find your true purpose at 30, 35, 45 or later? It's the journey that matters, and the path will unfold when your focus is right. The path is not straight and has many forks on it, and some dead ends. Focusing on things that causes us stress won't help. Rather, it's probably pointing you to exactly with you need to deal with, which is tending to your own growth, by looking at what/why that stress arises in you. "Actualizing oneself" does not equate to being successful in the achiever sense, wealth, fame, status. That's something that inevitably will have to be transcended anyways, but to be able to do so, you first have to do the journey on which your path there sooner or later will show up. Enjoy that journey, that's all we can do.

@somegirl I second that, and it's already been implied. @evgn The question becomes, has the relationship put you into a depressed state, or is what you experience with the relationship a side-effect of the depressed state. Depression can make sex not enjoyable, it can becomes an act that is best gotten over with, but is not denied for the sake of other. Been there, I felt like I was suffocating, literally could not breath, and focused just on breathing to, what felt like, being able to survive. That was not about anyone else than about me, but at that point in time, I had made it about someone else, as an ego defense mechanism. It's easy to shift attention and focus onto other when what we need to do is to internalize that focus to sort something within ourselves out. It's easy to have knee-jerk reactions, and as noble it may seem, to take the blame for being the problem, it might be completely unnecessary to throw something good away, if the "problem" is you. You can run from the situation, but you cannot run from yourself. Focusing on dealing with the depression, and having your girlfriend whom sounds like she is a supporting person to help you get through this sounds like the right thing to do at this point. A daunting task, but it can be done. And support is needed, if nothing else than having someone there that can truly listen to how we feel, so that we can make better sense of ourselves, and what we need to do to get better. Just as @somegirl says, when you get that sorted out, you will have gained clarity and ability to soberly assess the situation, if there's more to this than a side-effect of the depressive state.

@MrTouchdown Yes, and I'd like to tweak that, just by adding complexity. Change as a deliberate phenomena is enabled by the detachment from past, i.e. happening though acceptance, not denial and suppression, as it will keep haunting you in some way, holding you back, or reinforcing what's undesired and needing to change away from. Significant or deliberate change is defined by a desire to create change, which is created by past experiences. Change in a direction, takes two points in space to define that direction, "now" being one point, the other point needing to exist in the past, projecting a direction of movement defining change. With a single point in space, there is a lack of definition of direction, and change is rather more or less variation happening. That doesn't mean that variation based on e.g. positive mindset won't result in signitifant positive change over more/less time. Law of attraction, butterfly effect, not necessarily by conscious influence, but creates change nonetheless.

Touché!

Norwegian coastal landscape is uncannily beautiful. Rent a car, road-trip the coast is a given, consuming spots like this. There are many YouTube videos showing the crazy Norwegian coastal beauty. For a Swede, this is mesmerizing. So close (distance) but so different from the north-east Swedish coast (where I live). @Carl-Richard Curious - are Norwegians desensitized around the multitude of picturesque coastal gems Norway have to offer?