Eph75

There is no big deal, I don't think anyone implied there being a big deal? Some experience this, others don't or don't notice/know it, or aren't aware of it being that, until much later. It sure is a big deal to someone stuck in it. But of course, that person doesn't know it, so to whom would it a big deal. If you're interested in human development, it's an interesting aspect. Since it's a phase where it's hard to reach and affect, nudging the one stuck in rigid ways, I'd put it into the category of curiosity rather than very useful tools. The awareness to identify patterns, in people is useful though, if you're into helping people develop. There are a lot of people wanting to develop but counter-intuitively work against themselves in this stage.

Ironically, development is the opposite of this.

@flowboy Haven't read all posts so you might be replying to something specific. This is just the unfolding of human development. No one is immune to it. The paradox in it, is that the false sense, of perceived competency, that relatively speaking low competency, correlates with high confidence. This is not about thinking you are smart, it is about the pain related to becoming aware that you indeed have had false and inflated confidence and how this relates to the gaining of understanding that what you thought you knew now has proven itself incorrect/incomplete. And this realization becoming a readily apparent pattern in your experience, not just a single occurrence. And becoming aware of this being a stage of development. This means that anyone not having passed that state will falsely think this is beneath them. So the question then becomes, how do you know that you're not in that flase confidence, low competency, high dellusion state of development? Dogma is just that, the inability to accept that anything else could be true, and to such a deep and unconscious degree that you are not able to see it, as dogma as a phenomenon is outside of you awareness.

That is still fear based. Imagine a world that is post-gender-and-sex identification, where ones sex or whatever wouldn't matter. Reproduction might be an issue, but life indeed finds a way. In that world there wouldn't have to be need to present oneself as such or such, and the human connection is all that matters. Not for the sake of shifting acceptance towards the one group or away from the other more traditionally accepted group, but instead from the position that gender and sex is nothing else than a preference and a piece of flesh that happen to be attached to a body. It wouldn't be dangerous from anyone's perspective. It would just be. The norm creates the perspective, and the perspective crates the values, and the values creates the fear. Ok so we don't live in such an world, but it's easy to see that we're increasingly moving in such a direction where equality becomes absolute, and the construction of mind will dissipate. We won't live to see this, probably, but we will live to see this shift. Would I feel scammed? As a heterosexual man enjoying the heterosexual female "form", I certainly would be surprised. Would I get angry, or shamed, or feel guilty and so on? Don't know, haven't been there, but if I did, I am conscious enough to see that it lives within me. If you are desire and deficiency driven, you will perceive anything that is a potential obstacle to achieving that which you desire out of such defieinecy as a threat, and fear is the result. Would anyone expect you to suddenly shift preference? No, of course not, that is your freedom. But shifting perspective just for a moment for the sake of exercising the mind is an interesting and healthy activity. Of course, unless you do so and your current fears become challenged, and changes your norms, and then it becomes dangerous, to your old self That would be a beautiful thing

So what I hear is that you fear becoming attracted to someone that doesn't match your definition of a woman, and are afraid of what experiencing the shame it would result in when realizing that you indeed were attracted, and are are capable of loving a man? That is, until you realize there was a dick. Yes, that probably hurts the ego. At the same time, wouldn't that be a beautiful realization of something representing connection deeper than surface? Sounds very, very dangerous - to the ego.

It's not so much escaping the kreuger-dunning effect as it is the movement along the competency increase and the shift in correlation to confidence, where confidence drops as you start realizing that you know less than you thought you did, and the more competent you get the more humble you are to the understanding that you know nothing, and confidence or lack of doubt in self once again shifts. If you explain this via kreuger-dunning effect or not doesn't matter, but it can give comfort and relievement of suffering in the process. The gaining of understanding of that the only thing you can know is the not knowing and only having current beliefs, and that you are better off being proven having incorrect or incolmplete knowledge which in itself is the basis for accelerating learning and understanding, as well as the regaining of competency and relievement of that depressing state. That depressing state being nothing but the bruising of the ego and deserve little attention not to get stuck for a more extended time than necessary. The newly found confidence is very different, flexible, humble and empowering compared to the previous confidence that was ridgid, dogmatic and demonstrative. Looking at this as the unfolding it is, you see the correlation between this and development as a phonomenon, and how that depressive state is what so many get stuck in for the rest of their lives, being consumed by the suffering and pain created by the realization that you essentially were fake, wearing a mask, putting on a façade, but bring unable to find the path forward out of despair. That realization hurts, but it's also the most important realization representing a monumental threshold in development and the moving past it, somewhat of a developmental quantum leap. Needless to say, yes, have been through that valley of despair, and it really is a beautiful thing although hard to appreciate until you can look back at the beauty and complexity of it from a newly found, different, outlook point.

@fopylo Would it be feasible, the next time you gather, to go in with intent to drop expectations and desires on what should happen, and instead approach that gathering as an experiment to observe yourself, your feelings and thoughts as they arise, and notice the differences when letting go of such desires? And just like when meditating, allow those feeling and thoughts to arise, and gently and without judgment or self-criticism or attaching meaning to them, let them go, let them gently drift away in that moment, and return to just being.

What could you try doing to get yourself into that groove, or rather outside of any groove - and especially out of your current ruts?

@Preety_India This should be useful as well, and is part of self-leadership, the taking of 100% responsibly for what is in your experience, consciously moving away from negative states such as justification and blame, and how that makes you motivated and empowered to create change.

@Preety_India Essentially what you're looking for it to develop self-leadership competencies. https://positivepsychology.com/self-leadership/ https://positivepsychology.com/developing-self-leadership/ Short of just making yourself accountable to taking action, through shear willpower and build a positive habit that way, there's no quick or simple way to achieve this. Lack of self-efficacy is often a culprit. The lack of belief that we have the what it takes to complete task, the fuel of procrastination and negative thought processes. Instead of taking action, we turn to theorizing or exploring aspects of of the task, often negative aspects, such as what could go wrong, trying to solutionize and solve potential problems in the mind instead of just doing without entering such unconstructive thought processes. Exploring what causes us to procrastinate or postpone helps. It's often some sort of fear, as often is with life. There's a lot of material on that site that is useful. Paradoxically, developing self-leadership takes consistent practice of taking action. Catch 22 - what comes first, the hen or the egg? There needs to be a catalyzer.

What kind of practice are you looking to get motivated around, specific stuff like spirituality related, meditation and such? Or more generic, just getting shit done, dropping procrastination and building a strong connection between urge and action? Why do you want to be an "action machine"? What are you looking to achieve through action? And why is that achievement important?

Meditation gives you space, reduces noise and inner chatter, takes the level of distraction down and allows for more focused practice. Introspection, possibly through specific mediation practice, brings clarity and deeper understanding of self. Practice, such as doing where doing is needed, or stopping where stopping is needed, which also is doing, gives us distance to that which got us stuck, or limited. The result is that we allow ourselves becoming increasing detached from needs, and the bringing of such freedom to do, and to be, to flex and to flow with whatever is. That's where effortless success is found.

Feel the dogma. That dogma, your rigid belief that it must be like you imagine it, and unquestionably so, that is what is keeping you stuck. That is your ego protecting itself from you disidentifying with it, it making sure it will prevail with all of its limitations it has as a firm hold over your authentic self. IF you were to get past those defences of the ego, and detach from you toxic deficiency needs, there is no way that you would miss not being free, that you would miss the suffering. That fear and doubt is ego. This IS why it is so hard to break free. It is in a sense an addiction to a rigid world view. It's deeper than conceptually accepting that this is so. Embodiment is the experiencing of the conceptualization. Repeating words and contemplating concepts do no make those those concepts real. On the contrary, you can easily get stuck with concepts, thinking that we experience them, as new dogma. Experiencing this break is an awakening. That IS the path.

Self image is a construct. Deconstruct instead. With deconstruction and disidentification you free yourself from limitations you've adopted/created for yourself, such as wanting to be alpha or any of those attributes you listen. The need to be "successful" is creating your suffering through the discrepancy between what you want and what you get. When freed from the need to be "successful" as you define it today, authentic natural success emerges. Paradoxically, by being free, this might result in what you tried to achieve before but failed at. With acting out of non-attachment and freedom of being, it typically results in becoming successful in similar terms without trying, effortlessly. Notice how the most successful people seemingly achieve effortlessly, naturally, as if it was second nature. Some have competencies such as social competencies unconscious to themselves and connecting with people and drawing people towards them happens without trying. Alpha really is natural and authentic leadership. Not trying to adopt attributes and thinking that results in an "alpha package". You would still feel fake underneath that alpha construct as it's not authentic and needs to be maintained.

Who are you trying to be, and why? It seems that you are playing a game that you can't win, where there is prestige in how you should or shouldn't be. Where you have preconceived ideas on how things should turn out, and when things don't go as you expect or want then to, then you derail. Truth is that you derailed yourself long before and the only way to win is not to join in on playing games on someone else's terms. Maybe you are "innocent", is that bad? Maybe they said "how cute", is that bad? Maybe you aren't Alpha, is that bad? Why even bother wanting to be labeled Alpha, and disappoint yourself with labels like Beta when things don't go as you desire? The only thing that matters is to be authentic and not to be ashamed or guilty for being who we are, and owning that. If you are doing things that goes against your values and morale, then you're not authentic, and you need to return to authenticity. These games, are they authentic would you say? Authenticity is where we can be confident, it's us playing no other game than the infinite game of being, where there is no crowning of winners and losers. Confidence is radiating, what's stopping you from finding your confidence? It's in you, but you've just lost it, clouded by all those ideas of how things should be. Innocent can be confidently owned. Being laughed at for mistakes or whatever can be confidently owned. It only becomes awkward when we make it awkward in our thoughts. It's only not good enough when we don't accept ourselves and embrace our authentic selves. Stop playing games. This means nothing. There can be a false sense of development by consuming information related to development, but development doesn't happen by hoarding information. Getting too deep into the information hoarding results in building conceptual ideas of what development, or spirituality is, until such a point that it feels like second nature, and creates a false sense of feeling developed, yet without embodiment into deeper understanding and wisdom. These are the kind of things that development entails. Wanting to be alpha is just chasing some ideas of feeling successful, or being seen as successful. Real success is detaching form such limiting ideas of the ego.

@Preety_India @RickyFitts is essentially saying the same thing as me, he just uses less words and a condensed concept in that communication, yet carries the same message. It does leave a lot of implicit assumptions of previous understanding of self-development and much room for interpretation. One of the reasons why I write so long answers, in order to a greater extent eliminate misinterpretation based in such implicities. In essence, it's the complexity of one's sense-making that allows for seeing a deeper and more complex meaning in something that was communicated, and a higher ability to apply the abstractness of what is being said, onto ourselves, so that we see the pragmatic interconnections. It is your needs that dictate you wants and pursuits. There is a difference between needing a relationship, wanting a relationship and having the freedom to allow for relationships to happen. To allow for relationships to happen isn't about making zero effort, and instead it's about the emotional detachment of needing relationship to be. It leaves room for relationships to happen out of a playful approach to life and being itself. People who appear care-free, easy-going, non-needy and so on attract others. We ourselves are attracted towards such qualities and people who appear free in such ways. We want to feel good so, we are drawn toward others that radiate such qualities. Paradoxically, radiant as freedom is, letting go of our emotional needs, it works as a great attractor, and seemingly effortlessly attracts relationships. More for less.. People who try hard based on needs on the other hand, exhibit that need, and act as a repellent, or attracts individuals who are exersicing toxic behaviors, in a way, looking for prey. I think it's very important to distinguish between building deeper relationships and getting sexual needs met. Someone with great ability to have sexual connections can have great struggles with building deeper connections and lasting relationships. The dynamic play between two people creates an intricate dance around one and another's qualities and deficiency needs. So knowing yourself and working on yourself becomes a central part of building healthy relationships with others. To be able to make this happen, we do have to switch how we're making sense of the current reality, so that we can focus on "fixing" ourselves, so that we can become free in that sense.

@Preety_India They are inseparably intertwined by such complexity, that we need to develop ourselves in order to see clearly and to be able to respond to it in a healthy way And yes, everyone have their suffering minimized/reduced in a relationship that is emotionally stable. We can all appreciate that. Some end up there by chance. Others end up there by exercising unconscious competencies, such capabilites that we don't consciously use to create our world, it happens autonomously based on our inherent values. An example on use of such an unconscious competency would be someone that has grown up building a healthy self-esteem and self-worth. This individual will unconsciously pickup on and take action upon that which threatens ones own autonomy. It happening as a natural process. This person might end up with healthy relationships without doing anything that is perceived out of the ordinary to that person. By just being and doing what is known as default behavior. Others might see this as "luck" but it's really a gift. On the other hand, someone struggling with self-esteem and self-worth is unconsciously downplaying self against others, will miss out on signs on boundaries being overstepped, not respond in healthy ways towards that which threatens our autonomy, and won't be able to maintain healthy boundaries. The result is often unhealthy relationships. This is why people with problems inside themselves that they need to solve, often end up in similar pattern situations and relationships that are clearly toxic seen from the perspective of others, but they the themselves don't see it in the same way, and they themselves also, don't see that their way of being attracts a certain type of situations or relationship dynamics, such as co-dependeny and narsisictic partners, along with all other pattern behaviors. Only when seeing the underlying need to relieve oneself from the suffering, and seeing that we use this pathology in ourselves to meet that need though others, we can see the correlation between our pathology and the toxicity in the partners we attract or are attracted to. So, instead of looking for the causes and effects "out there", where we become the victim to circumstances and where we can assign such justification and blame, we need to introspect and free ourselves from the hold that we have on ourselves, the hold our ego had on our h authentic self. By doing this, we change who we are, and we free ourselves from escaping attributes we've collected throughout our lives, and we can be more free in the way we approach, relate and make sebse of the process life, relationships included. It's in a sense going back to the source, rewriting the source rather than betting stuck navigating the bugs in the program.

@Preety_India You're very welcome, I'm glad it resonates with you. This still leaves you with focus towards self-developement, to become deliberate about developing your own sense-making capabilities, to become able to take in more sensory stimulation, and to make sense with increased complexity. Better relationships is just a side-effect of that development, along with better and more enjoyable results in every other area of life. You might want look into Ego Development Theory to become deliberate about that sense-making development along side this relationship stuff, as it all intertwines into one psychology. @RickyFitts @Preety_India His question is important, there is more depth and a lot of complexity hidden underneath it that warrants exploration. Our needs usually don't come from as a good place as we want to think, and that we are able to accept about ourselves. Those needs are deeply linked to you as a being, reflecting the difficulties you've experienced and is experiencing in your life, and how you relate to yourself. Deep and sensitive area and we really need to drop our inward [ego] defences to be able to explore that in a constructive way.

@Preety_India As you say, there are no guarantees, there is no safe side, but you can approach it in a healthy way that help you to assess that authenticity and intention of other, and that will, save you from some pitfalls. Much in the same spirit, there is no easy answer, no template that ensures suceess, it's a process. You've mentioned you've been interested in financial investments, so we can compare this with investing in some company. To be successful you have to increase your own abilities to assess companies, to do fundamental analysis: Does all the numbers and indicators make sense, is it a market that I understand, what is the risk, are there dividends, is the company currently making profit or loss, are losses due to heavy reinvesting that are likely to increase the company value over time, and so on, and so on. Only when it makes sense for you to invest, you enter with investment and financial commitment. You can enter that relationship with a certain limited amount, which increases your engagement and creates a bond and relationship with that company, which allows you to pick up on more signals and gain deeper understanding through greater engagement in that process. Only when you see that it makes sense, you invest more fully. With companies you never invest more than you can afford to loose, but you do invest with trust in those fundamentals you have learned, and with hope of success. The opposite, to continue the stock market analogy, would be to get enfatuated by the promise of getting rich fast, and you get enfatuated by those promises, as you yourself are so invested into your internal needs/desires to get rich, successful or escape suffering, that you neglect the risk assessment and any signs of toxicity. You fully and blindly go all in, investing all you have, and find yourself in a game of chance, but really you did set yourself up for failure as you were looking for such great promises for richness and suceess, and in that process also entered relationships with companies that carry the highest risk of losing all of your money in that process. There are no guarantees, but doing the fundamental analysis and being aware of the psychology at play increases the chance of making more better choices than not. Also staying attune to signals and knowing your own strategies, knowing when to exist a bad investment and cutting your losses short. Back to relationships.. with people, it's much the same. You invest a certain amount, you are aware and respect the risk of getting enfatuates, and you deliberately explore who the other person is under the surface, as much as possible, what their values are, how they behave towards you and towards others, how they speak to you and how they speak with others, what dreams, ambitions and aspirations they have and so on, and so on. Fundamental analysis. With increased knowledge and understanding it's easier to assess if the response is authentic and if they match, not your needy self, but your authentic self. In that process, not only will you be able to separate out weeds, but you also build a deeper connection with the ones that respond well and you can increase your investment as the process progresses in a healthy way. It's still a game of risk, and chance, and you do have to invest to win. Going through that process more wisely, not investing foolishly, not ignoring tell-tale signs, based on you own ever increasing awareness and increasing complexity of your sense-making, this will make the process less risky, less costly financially and emotionally, and much more enjoyable. I hope that makes sense In this process you also do have to get to learn your own unfavorable attributes and limitations, and work on reducing or freeing yourself from them. Making the process more free from the needs and desires that are coming from your own feeling if deficiency, self-esteem, self-worth, self-efficacy, confidence in self and so on.

By not being carried away by enfatuation, being able to have some self-distance and observe your own enfatuation also allows you to observe the relationship from a healthier perspective. As said before, working on yourself, increasing your awareness, awareness of own thought processes and behaviors, and of what is happening around you, and you working on increasing your cognitive skills/complexity of meaning making will allow you to better identify, interpret and understand what is happening in the relationship as well as read you partner. This is a lot connected to understanding toxicity in self, others and in relationships. On top of this, people actually behave differently when enfatuated, due to hormones in the brain making us more caring, loving, accepting, accommodating and all of this can be interpreted as love. The same goes for drive for sex, that drive manipulates our mind to get our needs met. Seeing and understanding enfatuation (and sex drive) at play, the behaviors related to it, and knowing that enfatuation eventually declines as it's a chemical bonding process happening, it's easier not to blindly get swept away with that process. And, seeing enfatuation and sex drive in self and other. This does allows you to see more clearly, assess more clearly, pickup on toxicity more clearly and also to shift conversation into a deeper mode, pressing past this hormonal game, better seeing the authentic other. Still all of this is fully dependent on your own development, as lack of self-development means lack of abilities to make sense of what is happening in and around you.

@Lubomir Ultimatums are difficult, and desires are powerful. Ultimatums usually work as quick but short term/temporary shift in behaviors. The desires usually kicks back in as the the ripple effects slowly fade away, and those autonomous drives that created problems gets back into control. Change has to come from within, not from external motivators and ultimatums which essentially threats. Of course that doesn't mean that change can't happen, but I do think that ultimatums should be used, with care, as such short term fuel needed to drive long term change in both of you. It also can mark a shared milestone where active work is agreed upon, creating the change needed as a mutual endeavor. The typical thing that happens after an ultimatum has been presented, is that the one giving the ultimatum continues doing what they did before the ultimatum, possibly with increased levels of mistrust, suspiciousness, worry, and even resentment, and the one being presented the ultimatum switches into a submissive and accommodating behavior. That submissiveness is often confused with being apologetic, which it's not, it's just a natural reaction when being under attack and not having the moral or strength to "win" an altercation. In that sense very animalistic in nature. Apologies aren't words and such submissiveness acting as an impact cushion. Genuine apologies are permanent changes in behaviors based on the realization that one was doing something that goes against how you are or how you want to be/become. It's easy to say that the one person did something wrong and that person needs to change, but reality and relationship dynamics are much more complex than that. The dynamics between you guys have ended you up where you did, so there's still something in that dynamics that needs to change. A relationship needs to be actively invested into equally by both. Lack of such shared investment, even without obvious dysfunctions, results in a slow decline in relationship quality that becomes harder and harder to save.

It's all a matter of perspective and the lack of a more holistic perspective. There is not one single being that does not deserve being loved, and a lot of the manifestation of toxicity in people are based on lack thereof, the craving for, and the lack of feeling loved. You don't have to love the actions and expressions. Behind that facade, beneath that self-constructed protective shell, there is a being deserving love. They might not be able to receive love, but that's just that hard shelf protecting the inner being from being hurt. Of course this isn't romantic love, and without the expectations of that love being received, or responded to, it is unconditional in nature.

@Gianna I think the sources and the reasons matter, whether it's genuine joy or our internal reward systems being played from aspects that not fully resonate with our values or doesn't feel authentic. The sources contains the clues needed to explore in depth, and carries the links between the feeling and what circumstances trigger that feeling, causing the emotion. I interpret the sensation of anxiety as unease in that moment where there should only be joy. Anxiety is the calling out to us to become aware of something that has been lost to us. Staying with that anxiety in the very moment as it arises and trying to peel off the outer undefined layer to see what lies beneath is important, so that we have a chance to act in some way upon the underlying need. It could be literally anything, as associations made in the past can be rather unintuitive. Do you have contradicting feelings of not allowing yourself to fully experience excitement, such as shame or guilt from excessive indulgence in the positivity of the experience in that moment? The reversal sound unlikely that anxiety would give a false sense of excitement, and then fall back to being experienced as anxiety again. Anxiety induces cortisol that turns positive experiences off, not on.

There is a difference between self-actualized and successful but these two are sometimes, as you point out, conflated. What does an extraordinary life really mean? It's very subjective and based on your current development and values. Self-actualization being the realization of one's inner potentiality. Someone wanting status and materialistic gains, self-actualization inevitably translates into transforming inner potentiality to mastery that you can use to fulfill your desire for money, status, career and other needs. This drive is coming from deficiency needs and is not to be confused with what self-actualization point towards. This is "traditionally successful". Someone who has worked through ones deficiency needs and is working on self-actualization is working on becoming or being needs. It's the release of that potentiality that translates into such things that could be what the previous example is looking for. The difference is that what the previous example desired could be the result here, that potentiality realizes into success, that may translate into money, status, career, and so on. But the desire and attachment isn't to these things, it is coming from a deeper and truer place of need. In that sense the self-actualized individual may live an extraordinary life experientially speaking, without the need for any of those things, being only OK monetary-wise, not distracted by what others think or what status they apply to you, not striving to make a career, and so on. This can appear as "traditionally successful" but is something different altogether. This is the place where freedom, enthusiasm, passion fuels us, and result is often great and without limitations, where ideas and opportunities appear seemingly everywhere, as our radiating inner light shines through and drives us, that potentiality realized.

@Onecirrus Everything that spirituality is, is the acceptance of what is, acceptance of life as it is, acceptance and deeper understanding of what isnss is or isn't, and the gaining of understanding that what we see as problems in life is inherent to the biases of our own mind, and it adding the labels that make life "arduous, empty, infuriating, unfulfilling" , all based on our desire for life to meet certain requirements of the thought, and the inevitable discrepancy created between that thought and what reality objevtively is. Adding spirituality as a layer, as a bandaid covering up our pathological approach to life isn't a solution, the solution is the deconstruction and the removal of limiting views we've unconsciously adopted, by acceptance of that which we try to avoid. Spirituality is that which will emerge from within, and that which will prevail throughout that process. This calls for redefining what failure is. Acceptance of life is the deep acceptance of failure. "Failure" as a label is negative, bad, undesirable. "Failure" on the other hand is something that is an inevitable part of life. How can failure be "bad" if it's a part of being? Failure is the negative label that exacerbates the experience and make us obsess around the lacking of something in that natural process, rather than celebrating the learning and wisdom there is to find in every moment previously seen and failure and waste, and in the shifting of definition of this process from failure to success in and of itself. There is no such thing as failure, failure only lives in our imagination, as expectations and the resentments that inevitably follow. Failure is really part of the process of leaning, development and growth. If we want to develop as human beings, failure is one of the first phenomena that we need to redefine within ourselves. Pradoxically we have a desire to growth, but we at the same time have a desire to never "fail" or have "setbacks" on that journey. Suffering in mere being is the result. By practicing acceptance of what is, and the detachment of preconceived ideas related to that which causes us suffering, we become free. To be able to do so we have to identify what limitations we have inside us, that hold our inner self back from emerging. Those "limitations" lives in our mind, in our thoughts, and to expect that the physical or external manifestation of something should go away won't help us, as we cannot control what is. The only thing that we can control the mening we attach to something, and that meaning attaches such labels that creates our suffering. A simple example, which just happens to be biblical, could be: If I were to slap you in your face, it will hurt, and you will suffer that slap as pain. The physical pain, induced by "slapping" is far less intense than the suffering the mind adds onto this. The isness of that slap carry no meaning at all, it is a slap, it gives a physical stinging sensation that lasts for a few short moments, and then transitions into a numbness and a warmness in the area of impact. Then the suffering fades away. It's not the slap that you need to remove, the slap is, and indeed life will slap you time and again. It is the detachment from any meaning you attach to the slap. It is that meaning that moves the suffering from the objective physical plane, and into the subjective psychological plane. Why was I slapped? I didn't deserve that! I was wronged! That person has slapped me before. Many people slap me. Why do I always get slapped? There must be something wrong with me! People don't like me! No one likes me! I could never be loved. I don't even love myself. And so on.. Turn the other cheek. With removal of the emotional attachment to the slapping, or rather to the expectation of no slaps, and the removal of added context and meaning, it becomes possible to flux and flow with what is, with the isness of life, with life itself, and as a side-effect the frequency of "slaps" is will reduce. The slap is metaphorical, and it's been you slapping yourself, for no particular reason, for all this time. There is something very fundamental and simple in this. Yet sometimes the simplest of things are the hardest to see, and harder to change, as that simplicity adds frustration. Take care of yourself. Darkness inevitably falls before dawning.