Eph75

There's a middle road between trying to be something that isn't authentically you, and opening up and exposing yourself fully. There's also "not playing the game", not trying to do anything, and just going along with those urges that you've already experienced where it seems to come naturally, and not judging yourself when it doesn't. No one expects anything from you, except for yourself that is. Do you feel that you want to open up and there being a discrepancy between that need and the self judgment that it is being seen as you being weak? Or, are you still trying to find a new way in an attempt to be accepted and liked by others? I'm not picking up on which it is, but it feels like it's still the latter. Same thing just showing up in a different disguise. You're still way caught up a thought story playing out at this camp. I think that's a good idea, try and not go along with the thought stories you are playing out in your mind. A lot has been said so it's more about finding how to implement a different way of thinking than trying to find an answer to the questions rasied by the content of that story. The story is the distraction and what needs focus is refining the attitudes and behaviors in you that create the world view that allows that story to play out in your mine. That is developmental growth, everything else is distraction. Also, you need to make an effort to drop everything that resembles comparing yourself with others. Nothing good comes out of that. It's just another distraction that effectively hold you back. I'm here to help so it's in no way annoying, I just hope that you manage to find something in all this, and past posts, that can help you facilitate the shift/shifts in your mind that you need to feel that you get some positive movement

@fopylo Sorry, this got extremely lengthy. A different and more tangible form of working on this is to move to the meta plane and start working on self-leadership capability, by building understanding of what self-leadership is, and what kind of strategies there are that both help with these kind of things and also builds a strong foundation to continue working on developmental growth. This is a vast topic and something of a life journey in itself, and also central to self-actualization and development in general. Still a limited amount of knowledge about self-leadership and adopting some of the strategies thereof, makes great difference in ones life. Self-leadership can emerge out of our struggles as we make achievement to overcome those struggles, but it's also possible to deliberately make ourselves aware of what strategies help us, and that way practice and experiment around those, in real world scenarios - life, and build self-leadership capability. This becomes more about adding tools to your toolkit that help with exploring and setting a direction in your life, using self-goal setting and milestones that allows creating a sense of movement, which adds further motivation. There are different areas to work on and these focus on those behaviors and attitudes mentioned before, which has a direct impact on how we perceive the world. Both in the sense of us seeing the world in a different way as we, should we say "tweak" our behaviors and attitudes, since this affects our own perspective or the lens through which we view the world. Also, in the sense that such "tweaks" changes how the world responds towards those new or changed behaviors and attitudes of ours. Behavior strategies that are world-altering, just as it is implies, holds a direct potential to change our world by filling that world with higher quality content, whatever we've determined that to be. They cover being reminded to take appropriate action, removing negative cues that distract from what we want to focus on, and also increasing positive cues such as visualization of completed goals or tasks, and dreamboards that increases the visual consumption of that which we want more of. Such cues that increases motivation. While all self-leadership strategies are important, and they build on each other and reinforce each other, the next category is more related to what you write about in your posts of late. These are about self-imposed behavior focus. Self-observation is undoubtedly at the heart of this group of strategies, and entails contemplating what kind of behaviors you want more of, and what behaviors you want less of. This should be done as a formal exercise where you get the stuff down on paper, because other strategies work around these. Not just as a thought exercise. Once you have an idea of what these are and you have them recorded, the next step of self-observation it to go back experiencing the world, with the intention to catch yourself when turning to any of the behaviors on your list, positive and negative ones, and record them in a journal. This help raising your awareness around your behaviors in a structured way, and which can be analyzed at a later point. Record what the behavior is, what the frequency and duration is, the time of day and the day of the week, and "why" i.e. what kind of internal or external influences took place that made you behave. Doing this allows you to see patterns emerging which can bring clarity, and it also works as a traffic stop light to catch yourself in the moment, stop, observe - and in extention you can choose a different response, but this is primarily about observing and learning to know your behaviors. Next strategy, which is very powerful yet simple and "obvious" in nature is self-goal setting. This just like with behaviors above means figuring out who we want to be and where we want to go. Think of this as a broader and distant vision, then use this to identify separate, tangible and manageable goals that represent steps in the direction of that vision. Don't be too concerned with finding a perfect vision. This is more about creating movement. As we move, we gain new perspectives and our vision is likely to change or need adjusting based on what our changed perspective offers. We can't predict the future, but this way we gain a basic understanding of how we actively influence the future and the world we experience, by controlling the only thing we can control, our own behaviors and attitudes. These self-goals need to be specific so that you know what you need to do. And they should be challenging while still being achievable. Look into some goal setting frameworks such as SMART goals if you haven't already, they help you with setting up such goals. Also try to find long-term and short-term goals. There can be vision, milestones as long-term goals and short term goals that support each other. This really calls for self-examination to figure this out, which isn't easy, but grows easier as we practice, and brings clarity as we start achieving goals. This isn't about external goals per se, but about behavior changing goals, as self-leadership is about our internal processes. These goals will translate into external achievement as well, but the focus is on our behaviors and attitudes. Next up and closely related to self-goal setting and vision is Purpose. When finding a purpose with our existence it helps envisioning where we should strive going (via self-goal setting). Who are you? What am I meant to do here? What am I trying to do with my life? What do I value most? And so on. This isn't the same as the spiritual sense of who you are, but the ego sense, what you want to pursue to create your own sense of meaning. Happiness is strongly linked to the accomplishing of goals that are supported by underlying purpose. Again, the sense of movement in an envisioned direction. Two other strategies, that relate to each other, is Self-reward and Self-punishment. The latter I'd say is mostly about becoming aware of it and how we use it, and to deliberately replace Self-punishment with a sequence intention, action and Self-reward. Essentially, Self-punishment is useful to make us feel bad around and prevent repeating behaviors that we perceive is very bad. This is a difficult categorization, why it's better to just use awareness about self-punishment happening, and to deliberately switch towards a positive behavior, and self-reward that change. Both self-reward and self-punishment can be physical or mental, or a combination. Mentally speaking, envisioning a high-five, pat on the back or slap in the face, or positive or negative self-talk that either lift us up or put us down, placing labels on ourselves, that encourages or disencourages ourselves. Physically speaking, it could be something like a good snack, dinner, activity we enjoy, or whatever else that we like. Self-reward is what makes us come back for more, and a good part of these strategies is to learn to use them in a reinforcing way. So it's about creating a strong pattern of rewarding existing behaviors, and to help shift towards desired behaviors. An example can be that when we catch ourselves in the moment of a previously identified undesirable behavior, we self-reward ourselves, e.g. mentally by telling ourselves something like "Ha! Good catch, we'll done mate!", then we switch to a determined desired behavior, create a shift, and finally reward ourselves again for choosing a desired behavior. Even though mental self-rewards are powerful, treating yourself to a good dinner out on the town might be even more powerful due to making it more formal. So it's important to combine both. You can even think of rewards in advance, when I achieve X I will physically self-reward by treating myself with Y. The greater the behavior achievement, the more significant reward. The mind can be a powerful motivation tool, but we need to use it in a strategic way. The last one I'll mention is Constructive thought, but there are many more strategies to look into. These make up the core strategies that help us to architect our behavioral focus toward that which we authentically desire - and create a better world experience. Constructive thought includes being aware of how we use our mind and how this affects us, and the choosing to use our mind in such ways that support the self-goals we have setup for ourselves. Some things included here are: Self-talk can be very powerful as a positive tool, but it's more common to use self-talk to reinforce negativity. By becoming mindful of our self-talk, we can systematically change the content of our self-talk towards positive self-talk, and the reduction of negative self-talk. Our beliefs and assumptions are a big part of what makes up the world as we experince it. These beliefs haven't been imposed upon us, we have unconsciously adopted them, and we can deliberately replace them. Assumptions are a big part of reinforcing existing beliefs, as they are extensions of our current beliefs, and fills in the blanks with biased self-made-up content. By explicitly making less assumptions fosters curiosity to find out more, and healthy interactions with others, which in turn help making our beliefs less ridig and more shapable. Thought patterns emerges as we observe. What these patterns are and how they affect us, and which patterns serve us well is important to become aware of. Finally how we relate to Failure, what failure represents for us, what it does to us, and how we can redefine failure from something bad and into a natural part of learning and development. Learning more about how we have connected failure with our fears and how this acts as a demotivator. This helps making it easier to manage pursuing more challenging goals. This is just an invitation to looking into self-leadership as a phenomena. There are good resources out there, and a book I can recommend is Self-leadership: The Definitive Guide to Personal Excellence. All of this build on the ability to deal with the challenges life brings us, not by specifically addressing the content/narrative but going at the systemic, structural make-up of how we see and relate to the world, and consequently, the sense of self-efficacy we have related our abilities to deal with whatever situations that may arise. Again, apologies for this wall of text @DIDego ❤️

@fopylo What happens if you deliberately choose not to try to be in the "center of attention" [etc] and instead focus on observing without expectations to interact? You can approach this as deliberately running an experiment. Dropping the forced sense of needing to interact may allow for opportunities for more natural, authentic interaction to happen. You can run, but you can't hide from the part that creates this, your ego. You create the world as you perceive it, via your attitudes and your behaviors. The world is more a product of those attitudes and behaviors, so these are what you need to address and where you can create change for yourself. When these change, your world as you experience it will change as a side-effect. As long as you focus externally (toward world and phenomena in it) authentic change doesn't happen (as attitudes and behaviors are internally driven). Also, if that which you do feels inauthentic, and you want to feel authentic, what can you imagine for yourself being fully authentic would look like?

@Nahm sums it up very well. @fopylo You can't fake authentic. You enter that scene trying to fill some role that you have made into an ideal, under the preconceived idea that others want, need, notice and judge thereafter. When reflecting upon that, it's not strange that you get exhausted. It takes a great deal of energy to try to put on and be something that doesn't come naturally. It usually works for a while, then when it has drained ones energy, maintaining that state is extremely exhausting. That's when we hit a wall. Then comes the backlash of feeling "fake", the realization of not allowing authenticity to happen. When we get to this point, it's hardly possible to continue trying. We essentially shut down. You place a lot of expectation upon yourself, which becomes your own obstacle. Why do you have to be talkative, to take up or reserve some sort of space? That's an expectation you place upon yourself, and that expectation makes you interact in a forced way. That's something others can pickup on, the forcefulness of taking precense in whatever situation that is happening. The "other kid" you mention seems like he didn't try to fill any shoes whatsoever, although we don't really know anything about that, and allowed himself to be authentically reserved, and the aura of easiness one gets surrounded with by such unpretentiousness is picked upon as more inviting than the opposite which is pretentious forcefulness, which acts as a natural repellant. As Nahm says, it's just day two and that uneasiness settles with time. Try not to get caught up with thoughts about what's right or wrong. Don't let that breathing suggestion pass you by. Deep, slow breaths expanding your stomach on the in-breath, and absorbing the calm that ensues as pressure gets released in that process is very powerful. Learning remembering doing this in the very moment as becoming aware of that pressure build-up happening, and anxiety build-up in general, alleviates a great deal of that anxiety and it's easier to not get carried away with whatever thought-feeling carousel we get ourselves caught up with riding. Allow yourself to just be yourself - life isn't a competition When authentic, it's easier to step outside of one's comfort zone for a moment, and return back into one's comfort after that moment, slowly growing more comfortable and allowing the expanding of that zone, in a safe way. Allow authenticity to happen first.

Question is, if he says yes or no, will you change how you relate to the world. You're confused. The world is yours to create.

@Blackhawk The disease of pessimism and negativity is that it is just that, a disease that spread and infects increasingly more of our ways of thinking, until such a point that all and everything is pecieved as being pitch black and without future prospect. A self-created state based on a catalyzer we once upon a time didn't handle with care, that caused us to spiral out of control and into that blackness. We effectively snuff out all light there is, without realizing that we're the ones responsible for that doing. This is something that we hold the power to change, and the first thing to overcome is the negative thought that it isn't possible for me. Just like we were able and we are responsible for getting ourselves there, we are equally able and responsible to getting ourselves out of it. Of course it's not something that must happen. So how do we create the incentive to create change within ourselves, an attitude shifting event, which is not the blind reliance on mere happenstance, something we don't believe in anyways? Would you allow yourself to be experience happiness if it showed up right in front of you?

Schools need to be a function that extends child development as a preparation for adult life, in a deliberate way, by creating an environment where the focus is on just that, catalyzing development, and not the transferring of ideology, so that the children can enter their adult life with great tools and heightened chances to flourish in life. That includes preparing children with critical fundamental and in depth knowledge and skill such as language, logic and math, science and most of all to be able to critically view and to think for themselves based on that they critically observe. Once you bring in ideological messaging into schools you divert from this and push separete agenda. You're consciously adding bias onto the critical viewing. The most damaging effect is that it takes away from being able to think for themselves, something that all ideology contributes to and its a set of pre-determined beliefs that you get served on a silver plate ready to be swallowed. And it shifts effort away from time spent focusing on critical knowledge and skill. Children are in a natural developmental phase where their minds are easily shaped so transferring any ideology is going to be fairly easy. So there is an element of deliberateness to wanting to bring value shaping elements into school environments. You can interpret and read into this as being against everything that a given ideology says, but that's not it and that's adding biased meaning on top of what I'm saying. It's not negating whatever good or bad messaging is packaged into that ideology. It's just negating a second agenda in favor of developmental growth and critical learning. From this perspective, this dad is pointing towards wanting his children to exit with great knowledge and great prospect of doing great things based on that knowledge. And the ideological content that takes focus away from this will lower the standards of the fundamental teaching and the results that desired level of knowledge is depending on. He of course is coming from a certain position which causes him to react, and he himself might be imposing ideology onto his children and finding this is interfering with that. But that's also besides the point of above. The balancing act for school leadership and teachers becomes the inclusion of high sense of morale to such a degree that it does include humanism in terms of openness to individuality and respect towards choice of expression, without specifically pushing any branch of individuality as favored. Quite a challenging balancing act.

@Farnaby Ay, we're not negating each other Respecting the complexity in any given situation, any option or approach is one tool in our toolbox, and there's an AND-relationship between all tools, they do not negate or replace each other, they can be freely combined to produce desired outcomes more efficiently. The more tools in the toolbox, and the more complex own sense-making we apply to any given situation, that makes that situation easy/easier to solve in a constructive way, that very likely help building relationships rather than risk of polarization. Introspection isn't about self-blame and self-judgement, if that's what we're doing then it's not introspection, it's self-bashing happening. Ultimately it's us assessing ourselves and there is always great risk of self-bias, and our ability to more soberly assess ourselves happens when taking ourselves out of the heat of the moment and doing that assessment when we're calm and settled. To become aware of new aspects, and there's always new aspects to become aware of, calls for stretching our sense-making which happens under constructive circumstances. Essentially it's stopping in the moment, to analyze, assess the situation more deeply, then take action. We all know that action without taking that time results in autonomous behaviors, which means we act out of existing behavioral patterns without reassessing the underlying data. AND this doesn't negating setting outward boundaries. Just pointing towards the 99 out of 100 times where a situation or interaction is more complex than one guy being perfect and the other an A-hole - and that it's our job to learn to see what wisdom is hiding, waiting to be found behind those 99 other ones

@Farnaby Absolutely, it's just that with greater understanding and wider perspective, the options available to us are more than likely other than the obvious default ones that are right in front of us, which usually are too simplistic to be closer to what's true, and less effective in creating permanent change. This can of course be paired with maintaining outward boundaries, but if it's being us that is overly sensitive, acting outwardly on overly sensitive inward emotion "rashs" that causes us to misinterpret the intentions or the absense of intention in other's behaviors, then it's us adding drama for no apparent reason. I'm not saying this is the case, but switching to looking at others, since it's easier to see this in others than in self, how often isn't it that others act seemingly irrational toward nonsense or non-existing situations, apparently misinterpretating anything that is happening to such a degree that you wonder if they're doing that misinterpretation on purpose, which of course is not the case. This is what you can catch with introspection, and this is where we're responsible to intervene with our own egos and take action against self. And this is what we want. To increase the complexity of our own sense making so that we over time can grow an expanding understanding of the world, making new interpretations and as a result, new options become available to us. And of course, if you choose to not respond to a regularly occurring phenomena that is infringing on our space, and just switch to introspection, then we're procrastinating. We need to be actionable, it's just that we want to resort to high quality actions and not knee-jerk responses, and also acknowledge that no-action is a perfectly viable option. I.e. developmental growth - where we perceive a problem, there's a growth opportunity that we're not seeing

@assx95 There is a third option that you learn more from that is related to what it was that you felt disrespected around, how you relate to that subject, what it was within you that triggered you, and if it's disrespect from other, victimhood within you or a combination of both. If we're throwing around simple answers we're typically fooling ourselves as any given interaction with any given other is much more complex than what first meets the eye. So the third option that you don't include is introspect, into yourself, and examining how you relate to this feeling of disrespect and also contemplate the perspective of other, the person that you think disrespected you, and how it would have been perceived by someone else that wouldn't have been triggered by whatever perceived disrespectful act that was thought being committed. Truly letting go needs to be preceeded by acceptance of what is, which stands on a foundation of introspection, and not as an act to let something "slide" . The latter is not letting go and rather ignoring the feeling of one's outwards boundaries having been overstepped and adds to building resentment towards other. You don't mention what it was with the way he spoke to you that triggered you, so hard to do other than generalize around what a good process to facilitate personal growth is (above).

One could imagine that she's adding resistence out of fear of feeling abondonmant, which is probably just natural for any parent, but here takes on an unhearly manifestation based on her skewed view on reality whereas other parents would be proud of the accomplishments you are making in that process. Not allowing her input to limit you in you fulfilling dreams in your life is a definite yes. If that completely involves cutting ties or just leaving and see where the relationship shifts towards post-leaving leaves some space to manuever the relationship. Maybe that fear, if so, settles down after the fact, maybe not. The only thing you can do it to be short, determined and consistent, and not go into argumentation around what you do in your life. It's not hers to define and there is no argument to be had. Are there two questions in this? Your moving away and feeling stifled and limited by your mother and what to do - and - your concern about her behavior spiraling out of control during the pandemic, and that situation risk worsening if you leave, hence a sense of guilt?

@RMQualtrough It's only as complicated as we make it. Put a note that says "Am meditating - please do not disturb me" on the ground in front of you. Poblem solved.

Well, that's just the nature of human development. For one, development isn't linear. Sometimes it's slowly but steadily moves forward with ongoing effort. As this happens it's not really always noticed/seen as development, the shifts are small and more or less taken for granted, unless able to become aware of such shifts, even in the slightest change of thought, or perhaps relation to emotion. It could be someone saying something that you accept as new without consciously registering it, but it adds to your overall meaning making. Other times development makes large leaps with specific new insights around such beliefs or blindspots that shifts large portions of what we previously held as true but that some key relevation has proven incorrect. These feel amazing, but they can also result in an off-putting feeling in the sense that they can make small shift feel nonsensical and trivial and the desire to achieve more such land-sliding leaps. These leaps are typically connected to significant challenges of ours. Pursuing more and greater challenges of ours offer more leaps. The bigger the challenge, the bigger the leap. You could say accelerating development is choosing to address the greatest challenges we know, and of course becoming aware of what challenges us. And finally, development does plateau now and again, seemingly coming to a halt. The awareness and acceptance that this is natural helps us to accept this when it happens, and it will, regularly so, and to keep pressing on with developmental practices. There's usually something we need to become aware of that we don't yet see, so keeping up awareness of what is happening, doing contemplation, introspection, self-inquiry, journaling and so on, the the next step will appear sooner or later. Life has a tendency to bring what we need at the time we need it/are ready for it. Situations will arise, and they tend to unfold in a certain order. We just need to be mindful of that moment and able to be willing to see in new ways, so that we are able to pickup on the hints and clues that allows us to push further. See how being neurotic and stuck in your head procrastinating a perceived problem shifts you away from what's is/growth opportunities and into your head staying stuck processing stuff that won't get you anywhere useful. That's a signal telling you need to pickup on, and to switching to introspection. Maybe building a stronger introspection capability is a helpful step? I'm sure Leo has a video about that and there's heaps of resources elsewhere. And this is existence pushing you closer and closer to a breaking point, a tipping point. It is your fuel to keep on pressing further. And paradoxically, is till get worse before liberation, much like the contractions for a pregnant woman increasing in frequency and intensity, culminating with delivery of her child. You're literally in the womb of life and going through the contractions and when it seemingly seems getting worse you suddenly may find yourself being shat out on "the other side". As with the pregnancy case, the awareness of this being a process and there being an amazing revelation at the end of that process makes the process tolerable. That faith help us keep going. You don't find it tolerable. It just hurts. Seems meaningless and neverending. And there's no guarantee of any delivery. The best thing we can do is to let go, breath and flow with the process to not make it more painful than it needs to be. Still hurts though. But you know (believe) there's another side, but only if you are willing to let go of what you think is true right now, and willing to replace that belief with new ones. That being a part of the process. Don't be neurotic about your neurosis. If you are neurotic, consistenrly explore the content of that neurotic behaviors. Be aware when you build that neurosis up and stop, then consistently shift towards introspection. Building a good habit of breaking negative thought processes, and builds habit to switch to positive and constructive thought processes. As you've figured out already, no one can tell you. If it was as easy as having someone tell you, psychological problems wouldn't exist. All these pointers and indicators is all you get. You need to do the hard labour. You can accumulate new pointers as your perspective shifts, and a rough path will manifest. Gaining the awareness and understanding that there is something true in these pointers, and the recognition that you don't get it and don't have the answers yet, that's a prerequisite to go further, allows for a more open mind that wants to accept shifts. Without that awareness, you'd stuck in believing what you experience is absolut, or can't change, and that you have to change to fit in, becoming leader material, being great at socializing and making friends, being a female attractor, and so on. This list of desires will be neverending building onto itself if going this route. With that awareness, you have the ability to catch yourself in the moment of whatever it is that is stirring inside you, and introspect around what it feels like, where it feels, and what the underlying causes for you to feel that way could be, and finally release that though, only to start over with the next trigger. Introspection not being pracrastination on the problem, but like a detective examine the crime scene for hints and clues, patters matching previous similar event, common denominators, examining the trigger and where triggers might have first appeared, where social programming comes in, your own biases, judgements, and preferences, parental transference of behaviors and values, and so on, the aspects are endless. This will increase your awareness of self, to a deeper and deeper extent, and at some point you will be connecting dots previously not connected, and new dots will become visible. It's like a puzzle, trying to match pieces up so that you can see parts of the bigger picture. It's just that out of the box there are pieces missing that needs to be found. There are also pieces that are upside-down with the blank side showing. It's all about being curious to find... more. The expectation that others could give you an answer to your question is faulty. Only you can figure out which pieces of that puzzle is missing, and that will break that loop, at least this current loop, this time around, and you gain momentum, until you once again plateau. With all this said, you imply you having the awareness that you need to shift something in how you function and see things, and you imply that those pointers make sense to you, but not knowing what to do next. That's perfect. Maybe all you need is the assurance that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, and the unfolding of your reality is presenting you with plenty of opportunities to introspect and to try something new that challenges your current beliefs - you still do believe all that stuff that makes you suffer and that's keeping you stuck. There are no simple answers or solutions. This is a process and there is no way you can skip to the end of that process.

There can be only pointers and concepts. We can believe in the concepts and fool ourselves, and at such degree that concepts turn into beliefs turns into dogma, and from where you can't tell the difference between belief and reality. That of course not being it. Or, use the pointers, concepts as indicators loosely, accepting there being something else to find out, fuel to go further, to press on, to be curious and to experiment in real life, through introspection and through action and the contemplation of the new or different experience that follows, and noticing how the experience shifts based on understanding and expectations. Then just keep going, let go of who you think you want to be and allow something more authentic emerge in that process. Describing the perceived destination (never an end station) is never as complete or correct as experiencing it yourself. And when you do, it will appear ridiculesly simple, laughably so. But that's not the case from where you see it, now. You maybe can't accept letting go of wanting to be a leader. But you can examine that feeling when it happens, not riding along with it but looking at it as if from a third person perspective, as if you were someone else, and make new sense as that is happening. If you procrastinate around the desire, that desire will grow stronger, and the discrepancy between desired reality and what is will exacerbate the suffering you experience in that process. "Doing the work" is going through this process, and there are no shortcuts, but roadblocks can stall us for more or less time. Approaching it with an inefficient process, it takes more time, or you might get stuck running in circles. Approach it with a more efficient process and it will take less time than it would otherwise. The only desire you need is the curiosity to see what comes next, and keep going, until you reach a tipping point where it becomes seemingly effortless and essentially unfold itself, pulling you along with it, where it needs to go. That of course doesn't mean it won't hurt, because it will, development/growth is painful.

Most desires you don't need at all, and those that you need are very basic. Specifically the desire to be a leader is not useful. There's no purpose in having a title that says "leader". You don't need to talk about being a leader. What matters is what we do, and what we do can result in others to define us as leaders. So it's looking at it backwards, focus instead on being and doing and leave room for the possbility of leader to happen. A by-product of being. I have a deeper purpose and drive to help people in any way that can help them help themselves to improve their lives as they perceive it. I can offer help as a product of that drive. I can also not worry about you being able to accept or transform this into tangible results. I have a strong drive to offer help, yet I am emotionally detached from the expectations of outcomes. You can call me an idiot and it would make no difference. I do what I do for the sake of doing it, because I can, and if you manage to shift even the smallest aspect of your life/reality towards a direction that you see being positive, that's great for you. In that process I recognize that you helping yourself makes me feel good, but it's not really a desire that you do, I don't worry about achieving that, nor identify with or get worn down from lack of positive outcome. All I can do is offer perspective and thoughts with as much clarity as I can, and outcomes may or may not happen. That's about it. If I were to be emotionally attach to this process, I would worry about not being enough, about being wrong or incorrect, about being judged and so on. The drive would make me do it, and the emotional attachment to reach imagined and desired outcomes would cause me to suffer while doing so. Does that make sense? It depends on what kind of distinction you make between desires and needs, they can be conflated into one. We could also make distinctions between survival needs, such as food, safety and shelter, and deficiency needs defined by the desire to escape some perceived suffering, and finally becoming needs, the deep drive that make us pursue deeper understanding, developing as people and moving towards self-actualization, something that kicks in harder and harder the further you get on this path, as distractions from deficiency needs dissipate. If you have a desire to self-actualize, yes, why not pursue this? If that desire comes from feeling bad about everyone else seeming to self-actualize, but not me, and from fear of being left behind, or rejected from some social belonging, that's a deficiency need, and it will dictate the kind of solutions that we can see and pursue. If that desire comes from the curiosity of what is and knowing truth, that's a becoming need, and the kind of solutions we see will be very different and growth oriented. The one being an escape from suffering, and the other being defining growth. They can of course both lead to the same place, eventually, and they most likely will as long as you keep at it. Since detachment from deficiency needs happens prior to self-actualization, or during, as a part of that process. In that sense it will have to happen, otherwise it will inevitably form shadow aspects of that which we have suppressed and disowned, and which will come back to haunt us at a later stage, as well as prevent growth past a certain point. Supression creates those shadows. Processing and letting go, free ourselves from the distraction and we can progress in our developmental journey. They keep us alive, they make us progress, the evolve us a people and our societies. They made us leave the safety of our caves to find more prosperous grounds, looking for a better life. Without any whatsoever desire you wouldn't want to do anything at all. Self-actualization is the deliberate focusing of the effort of pursuit, in a constructive, creative direction, realizing our inherent potentiality. This happening by releasing that which holds us back, that which limit us or distracts us. There's still a desire to self-actualize, to reach enlightenment, to awaken and so on, but getting there entails also overcoming this desire. Spotting desires that are deficiency driven and reshaping our efforts towards identifying the growth opportunities related to this deficiency will facilitate our growth.

So true, I conflated that voice as a phenomena with the content that voice is conveying.

Yes, that is your ego, the mouldable essence of collected beliefs and biases that is growing stronger for each day we feed it, into a monster that eventually needs deconstructing and reconstruction in a conscious way, in a minimalistic way, eliminating the dysfunctional aspects it's accumulated through a lifetime of unconscious neglect. The first step towards this is the becoming aware of there seemingly being two "you", an authentic you that recognize suffering and another you through which your suffering is defined and often cteated. That distinction or separation allows you to step back out of narrative of that inner voice and become deliberate about observing, analyzing and reasoning around "it". You are not your thoughts. Disindentification with the ego happening in that process, and the emergence of understanding that the inner chimp is more like a circus animal that is trained to do what it does, by us, our lack of awareness and ignorance, that can be "retrained" or "reprogrammed" through effort and insights. Essentially moving towards the form/manifestation of something that is closer to an authentic "you". Thus, the choice not to be defined by our thoughts becomes available.

Stress usually is a construct of our mind, and low resilience toward perceived forms of pressure causes stress. Looking into stress handling, often leading to developing emotional handling skills really helps with mentally induced stress. Physically enduced stress is of course something else and with a not fully functional heart it's of course not good to push past the boundaries. Although, It's easy to use such physical conditions as justification towards not working on the mental aspect of stress. Also mental stress lowers the threshold for experiencing physical stress. They most certainly interact in both directions, in complex ways. The former has a huge impact on our physical stress, living with frequent, high and prolonged levels of cortisol, which is something that I believe is true in your life, pumping through our system, contributing with psychosomatic symptoms and phsysical deterioration on a cellular level. Looking inwards and exploring our relationship with responsibility and when we turn to justification, blame, shame and obligation helps to snap out of ruts in form of we'll-trodden thought stories that more keep us stuck than move us forwards. And remember, then the current takes you out to sea, sideways may be the means to getting forward. What would a job that is full time that you combined with working on the mental side of the stress equation be? Exoloration not implying putting on your explorer suit and go Indiana Jonesy or maybe Lara Crofty, exploration of option and opportunities is a deeply completative exercise and what limit us from seeing opportunities live inside out mind. Too focused on the bad or the problem prevents us to see those solutions that are less obvious to us, but often can be more effective in reaching results than the obvious stuff that we dismiss. Think of more options, where haven't you been exploring, and what kind of opportunities a there? There's always an opportunity, regardless of dark or grim the situation may seem. Find it, and grab it. If more income is prevented by jobs which is prevented by stress, and the stress is leaning towards being mentally induced, justification closes the door towards opportunities. This is is such an example where we best become aware of what's holding us back and what would help move forward. Becoming masterfull around understanding and handling stress related stuff is an opportunity that helps short term, and is a game-changer from a life-time perspective. Yet, that option isn't the first we'd think of, we'd rather focus on the external "bad" stuff that is to blame for that stress, and justify ourselves in that proceeds as being unable to change what is. Lockdown? Perfect time to introspect and "explore"! Fuck perfectionism. There's no such thing we can achieve that brings perfect. It's a mental construct that keep is in delusion and worse, prevent us from creating change since the change we see isn't the "best solution", and even worse, stops possible steps toward positive change to be seen. F that. Create deliberate intention to select anything that adds even the smallest positive change. Brainstorm options and evaluate which you can do, and choose the one with the best correlation between causing manageble anxiety and theoretical outcome. Beware of justifications and excuses why you can't choose the more difficult option that may give better outcomes. Rinse and repeat, over and over again. Just offering a gentle kick in the bum Sorry, didn't mean to interfere with your journal, stopping here.

If it's not possible to go to therapy due to you not affording it and your family needing to pay for it but unwilling to do so, there aren't any free support groups somewhere in your area that could be helpful? Your mind seem quite scattered between a lot of thing, looking at journals and topics you interact with, and not the least around sex and relationships. Are you looking at the relationship side of things as an escape out from your the trap you find yourself in? Transmutation of energy could be helpful. Would it be possible to transmute all the energy spent on everything else, and channel all your focus into one single cause that is centered around processing of making it out, essentially going full focus, full obsessive about building any kind of prerequisite needed to make that real. Often we turn our focus and energy elsewhere as a coping skill not to have to feel into the hurt otherwise lived into, and unfortunately that may ensure or prolong status quo. Transmuting energies into a narrow cause allows us to become a bit obsessive and go to lengths and build courage otherwise not possible, gaining some kind of momentum otherwise not possible. Do you currently work full time bringing in as much money as possible to build towards the future, maximizing savings in any and every possible way? You've mentioned bad financial choices and debt? Do you have long term plan to sort that out? Plans allow us to focus harder and achieve such transmutation of energies, adding significant momentum into a cause as a form of deeper life purpose, even if that life purpose is short term and part of something that will grow bigger once the primary obstacle has been overcome. What are some things that you could try that you haven't tried yet? Calls for deep brainstorming, trying to go as widen with options that in some way contribute some small piece towards that focused effort of making it out. Often there are options that we just can't see due to being too stuck in our current perspective and locked in on the problem, limiting the ability to see smaller contributions that over time help diminishing the obstacle at hand, us opting for a quick and full solution often rejects smaller shifts. Is there anyone else in your wider family that you could create a deeper connection with where a stronger relationship could contribute in bringing some kind of difference? What else could turn out building towards acting as a springboard given it some time? ❤️

Blue shadow in green stage, forcing conformity through radical measures. A lot of young people being pushed fast towards/into green have huge shadows. Online phenomena adopting value sets not grown into the stage in a tradition sense, faking it until making it becomes real, and deep shadows remain. There being a tendency to move through SD stages in an hopscotch fashion, touching down with one foot in some stages while having both feet firmly into the mud of other stages, the strong "stereotypical" greens that we see who give cancel culture a face are the progression of "stereotypical" blue, and thus not surprisingly have stronger blue shadows than orange ones. Same theory implies stronger red shadows in orange extremes, individuality and power abuse, and even as the battling of lingering achiever mentality when reaching yellow.

@Waken Well, yes, everything is always more complex than any single one post on forum can convey. There are certainly times and places where things may need to end, where abuse and suffering is greater than any possible shift within self would ever be possible or acceptable. The deepest acceptance still makes a slap in the face a sensation that happens. Although, "often" it's all tricks being played by the ego that makes it perceived a certain way, and it being wrongfully so, even more so and harder to distinguish at younger age. There's always going to be a devil "out there" and we can distract ourselves by spending out energies on identifying, chasing and battling those devils. Yet, the hell we endure is within us, and it's within us we create change. What kind of outcomes change amounts to is not really what's relevant, the one relevant aspect is our own change in relative perception of what that reality is or should be. With that change the outcomes can still be leaving, cutting ties and so on. These would not be escaping suffering with new sufferings appearing on the next horizon, and soon enough, but as significant change is our way of being. Well-being isn't relative to parents, belongings etc ? it lies in the transension of the constructed meaning we apply to what is. We ultimate create and choose what will be inside our reality. Where that choices come from makes all the difference.

Lengthy as usual and pulling away from the perceived narrative. Approval has a distaste of giving in to the realization that the underlying desire can't or won't be met. A defeat of sorts - the stepping down a level on a hierarchical ladder in favor of other, or the approval that the step you stand on is your place to be, being not worthy, good enough, etc. to be elsewhere. Full acceptance of what is, rather is the removal of the notion of there ever having been a ladder to stand on to begin with, and that ladder being a construct of your mind. Without a yardstick that enables comparison, being is without subject of comparison. Replacing desire to be a leader or the desire not to be a follower, with a forced desire to be a follower ain't it, that's swapping one desire with another desire. Detaching from our desires removes the categorization or labeling that define you as one way or another. That desire can still remain as a drive, but not being emotionally attached to it, and to outcomes that we want. You'd just be a guy on vacation, enjoying the experience, not driven by neurotic behaviors and impulses arising from a negative mental space, not caught up with mental games. Walking up to your dad and chatting with him would be just that, a chat, not a challenging of an hierechially established rank within the tribe that your family represents. Just a guy enjoying the scenary, and a conversation. What needs dropping to be able to be that guy? Although this doesn't mean that he's not trying hard to be that for whatever reasons, we all go through our personal hells that we need to deal with, but it can also be the result of not being too much in his head about things, finding it enjoyible to participate with what going on with a positive attitude towards it. People like that kind of ease of being, other people are also drawn towarda that, as such people radiates energy and positive vibrations, and such people are "offered" space to lead. Also natural leaders don't try to be leaders and being the leader isn't as important as it is doing what feels right, leading from within. Essentially you don't know where he is coming from, without actually exploring that (asking). But on the other hand, you'd be likely to be disappointed regardless of what you find out, as it's just creating more gap between your desired reality and reality as you perceive it - that discrepancy is what defines unhappiness, and the imagined removal of that gap, defines happiness. This not really being about him, but all about you. The paradox is that as long as we try to control circumstances to force reality towards our desired ideal of what reality should be, we're in for a bad ride, and a lot of hardship and suffering along the road. Getting entangled with external phenomena doesn't help us grow, that growth in an internal process of change. And it's not about chasing the fulfilling of every desire that arises. Yet, we are naturally drawn towards a path of suffering to such a point where we spontaneously reject the false beliefs that created that very suffering, replacing them with new beliefs, beliefs that hopefully takes us closer to truth realization and not deeper into dillusion, and more suffering. That's the rolling of the dice, and at that point of suffering, at the tipping point, rolling snake-eyes finally may bring about the confrontation of the actual snake - yourself. The solution is to address desire as a phenomenon not as an object to pursue. The question become how can you do so without first meeting eye to eye with the snake, and to bypass all that potential suffering? Maybe you can't. I don't have an answer here. I certainly didn't bypass anything, racing full speed straight into my own imaginary stone wall. The paradox is, that the less attached you become towards reaching desired outcomes, the less neurotic and forced the journey will be. And it's all about the traveling, not the getting there. There is no end station. That's our desires creating apparitions. You can still pursue doing, and outcomes still can happen, often more easily so, but they won't be linked to or coming from deficiency needs. Without desires, fewer desires, or less strong attachment to desires, we can still do stuff because it's enjoyible or supported by our current perspectives and values. With strong desires we approach the same forcefully and there is something on the stake in that process. Who we can be, and who we are, is much determined by how we can be in that moment. Going on vacation isn't about leading, but it easily gets defined by such a deficiency need "to lead" and etches in as a less enjoyible experience, as you forgot about Being in that moment, and instead got caught up in your head about such things as who walked in what order, or whatever replaces that desire once you manage to overcome it. Let go of such desires, not replacing it with a new desire, and you'd enjoy Being. Where in line you walk no longer matter, first or last. Introspection around the nature of desires helps becoming able to let go. Does it feel counterintuitive that from here, natural leadership is closer to hand, as self-leadership becomes realized?

Well, you just said it yourself. What if accepting that following is okay, it opens up for the freedom and space to shift towards becoming involved and engaged in ways where personal leadership is cultivated and allows leadership as a wider phenomena to emerge? Desires mess with us in such elaborate ways. Eliminating the underlying neurotic aspect of a desire, the freedom to do emerges - or - quite likely, simply diminishes the desire so there is no longer need to pursue.

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This is an interesting entertinment of playful thoughts. What's more interesting is that thought defaulting towards MEN having multiple WIVES, but looking at the dynamics shifted compared to male dominated times of past or more primitive current societies, and the relationship power is clearly being shifted towards females, this would rather imply WOMEN having multiple HUSBANDS. Men wouldn't have to worry about managing as you'd as a man likely be managed, being a function in a multifunctional male "harem" fulfilling and providing towards FEMALE needs based on one's skillset. Lack of the primal sexual drives such as men have, the odds are more leaning towards men not being a sexual force in such an harem but a labor or some kind of intellectual tool, maintaining a rank between the accepted males within that harem. It would leave gaps where females lose the ability to choose in the same way, and that further implies multi-female led harems where a single or few men are collectively used for sexual pleasure and reproductive needs with strong biological lines, and all others are such asexual tools. An arising of strong matriarchs But no, although not too far fetched, that's just an alternative reality/dimension, or the narrative for a fictional book.