PepperBlossoms

@Thought Art It is interesting to note how okay if everything is programming reacting and responding to programming and reprogramming itself, then what exists right NOW is the result of the programming being run and it wouldn't have been any other way. And then if there is stuff we don't like, it's like NOO. I wonder if the ego likes to identify as everything more than as an individual self.

Here is my question. Do we have to play the positive game to survive? I am seeing how much conversation involves - oh that is so great, and oh what a friend, and oh that chaos - everything is being given a positive and negative connotation - in the absolute sense there is no positive or negative. But do we have to play the positive game for the relative human survival? We are positive to attract a mate for attention, sex, companion, help, whatever - the neutral may not be enough so we have to be "positive"? When we want to be authentic and say nothing matters and everything is neutral - well we start feeling pain if we stop eating and that is painful so we go back to "positive" to counteract that pain and eat food.

I feel like I am in the hole and everything keeps getting worse and worse. The hole keeps getting deeper. I hate myself so much and don't see a future or how I am going to get out of the hole.

@Moksha Since we are all one, we are all no better than anything else. @hyruga To say good job also implies that there can be a bad job. It creates a duality. (According to my therapist). Good implies opposite of bad.

@Blackhawk I enjoyed the non-dual perspective. Thanks. @Ananta I had a session with my therapist today and we touched on language and how I talk to myself and that helped. Thanks.

Life has a lot of land mines. We don't know about all of them and we don't necessarily fully know how they will impact us until after we step on them. The land mines can be excruciatingly painful. All we can do is do our best to learn about them to prevent ourselves and others from stepping on them. Sometimes they are marked and we ignored the sign. Sometimes they aren't marked. It can be hard to keep walking after stepping on one but if we stop and let ourselves bleed out, others may come in to save us and they too may step on a land mine of extreme sadness over our loss - so it can be better to just keep on floating along as best as we can until we can heal from the land mines we did step on.

The heart is sad. As I posted in another place, the stuff we do to help our survival can end up hurting it and that can be a common theme - do something helpful and it causes pain and do something painful and it causes help.. it is counterintuitive. like we see we want to do stuff to aide our survival but then the choices we select actually hurt our survival in ways we didn't think about It can be helpful to try to look at the full repercussions to see what all we are doing is going to impact to see if the help is only temporary or long term and if/who/what that help ends up hurting. go for drugs and it is temporary help but then may have long term hurt go for a job with lots of money and it may help your bank account but hurt your heart and relationships; etc. we usually don't feel like suicide out of the blue - usually it is a combination of factors feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to I am sorry you are going through this. Lots of us are, myself included.

What we do to help ourselves ends up hurting ourselves and vice versa. Its counterintuitive to be like, the stuff I am doing to aide my survival is hurting my survival (or someone else's). Where we step for comfort ends up hurting and causing pain and then it can feel like the best option is to just stop going for comfort because it is too painful to do that.

I can agree in that I tend to reach out to people and blow up their phones when I am super depressed and I tend to ignore everyone's advice as well - it is like they are trying to help me but I don't want their help - but then it is like - why am I reaching out to begin with if I am just going to ignore what everyone is saying? But there is some benefit to taking in that information, even if I only pay attention to 1/10th of the suggestions/comfort people provide and that only 1/100th of the inputs I get are actually helpful - but it is that one bit that then may change. It can be nice to figure it out on "our own" but yeah sometimes someone will provide some golden nugget somewhere in the conversation - one tiny bit of golden nugget - and then that drastically changes things... and maybe it is that golden nugget - and either we personally get to it or someone else leads us to it - and that helps change the situation from A to now B. I guess also just like getting multiple new perspectives of different ways to look at something that re-contextualizes it - doing that until we can reach a calmness and acceptance and be able to move on.

Hey. We all get frustrated at times. I was extremely suicidal a week ago and on/off for the past 2 months and am feeling much better myself. We can get in deep deep lows and can still come out the other side. Yes life can be super frustrating. It can also be rewarding when we can get past the frustration and can develop new skills/perspectives from the lows. Our experience as we are having it now in the human body is (for all I know) temporary and so you are in luck - it will end. Every moment is a death/rebirth/transformation. We are changing constantly. So this feeling you are feeling now can/will change - it is temporary. Listen to your words: "I am the biggest loser ever." Yes we all tell ourselves negative things, I am interested in working on that area personally. The negative things we tell ourselves gets more and more complex and possibly harder to escape from. But yes it can also be beneficial to use that information sometimes to work with - but if it gets too too negative, it can be doing more harm than good. @Nahm had said something on another post that really helped me which was something like - everything is okay as it is now. You are not the biggest loser ever. And even if you were, with "oneness", you are also the coolest person ever too. Just because one person doesn't like you, doesn't mean that another person won't. Also, instead of referring to something as "facts", think of it like an idea. You never have all the info at once. We are always looking at something with some bits of info and we miss lots of things and even if we get some more bits of info, which may totally change how we see it, we may still never get all of the info bits as well as can't escape our biases and also may have some info be lost in translation/communication - so we will kinda never have the full picture. Sending hugs.

This may not apply but I think one thing that is helpful is to stop taking all drugs. I have found that although I was using them for making me feel better/cope or get insights/epiphanies, they really really hurt me in terms of being calm, okay with things, taking responsibility, motivation, etc. and hence more reactive, on edge, jumpy, critical, anxious, etc. Thicker skin is then no longer needed in the same way because I am in a more calm frame of mind and can be more at ease when interacting with others and enjoy it more. I could be totally wrong but I am assuming that the longer I am off drugs, the more confidence I will be able to build up. Then may not get bothered by stuff as easily and even if someone says something, it may not be as big of a deal. Can start to notice - is that person being egotistical or is the info they are providing really helpful and am I the problem? Yes I think the more experience we get in interacting with others, the easier it will get and the more skills we will have - - which just happens with time. Also could see who you are around and if they are constantly bringing you down or are lifting you up. I think we are more needy when we are at our lows and less needy when we are at our highs but also we need people who can help provide us with a support system and if we aren't really getting that or things seem to be getting worse and worse, we can get more needy.

I did something I deeply regret and has caused much pain to me and my partner. I have apologized but that does not take away the pain. I have identified that it was wrong and what deeply hurts one person hurts the other too. I have identified that my identity is not as a perfect person but rather as a person, and part of being a person has some "evils" as we are not fully conscious of everything we are doing and the implications our actions have until it is too late and we have already done it. I have acknowledged that I could spend my entire life regretting this one thing and feel sad over the loss it has caused but then miss out and let the rest of life pass me by. I have realized that pain I cause to another person could have infinite effects, cascading pain onto others who then cascade onto others and then others and then on and on for all of infinity. How does one heal from this? Yes I have talked with a counselor ongoing but that seems to do nothing. I miss the old reality and wish that I could have it back and do not want to accept the new reality but will have to start accepting it. A part of me feels sad that I cannot identify as a "good" person anymore and its more honest to just lump oneself in as a "criminal identity" but yet yes all guilt is programmed/learned and everyone makes mistakes and we just have to accept it. I deeply want to take back time but that is not an option either. There is the constant fight of "good" vs "evil" and when you feel that you are "evil" for what you have done, you have a hard time letting yourself think you should stand up for yourself since you are no longer "good". But maybe everyone is somewhat "evil" and they are unconscious to their evils and it isn't until they are conscious that they feel the pain of the evils that they have done. Yes I acknowledge that "good" and "evil" are totally subjective/perspective/cultural/made up but physical/emotional pain does seem to happen anyway regardless. I miss that I will possibly lose being able to be with the person I hurt and feel horrible for the pain that they could be feeling. Yes no one stays together forever anyway and loss happens all the time and will happen regardless. Just looking for some more perspectives/ways to think about it. Thanks.

It can feel similarly worse not having a job as well but in different ways. The pressure is then on what next, what the heck do I do, how do I survive, should I switch to a new career, how are my finances, will anyone hire me, etc. Instead of - how do I make it through the day, I am so bored/stressed, I hate working here, the company is toxic, etc. Yes work can be very overwhelming. The 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week; the deadlines; the not knowing how to do things; the having too many tasks to do and not enough time; the getting bored of the tasks; the seeing that the work is pointless and will only be a temporary benefit to (only human) society at the expense of the rest of nature; the pressure to perform constantly all day everyday - and yet we are so disconnected from the rest of the world that we are destroying it - - our working all day - is it really helping then if we are destroying it? - why work then if our work does more bad than good? a doctor saves people all day but those people destroy the earth; an engineer/construction creates homes for humans at the expense of habitat/animals/bugs; a teacher educates students who then go on to get jobs, cars, and homes to destroy the planet (but some may do things that don't do that) everything gets destroyed anyway

Saw on Reddit today: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/p47gki/what_do_you_consider_the_biggest_threat_to/ "Full oceanic collapse is projected to be in 2048." That is in 27 years! "Full destruction of aquatic food chains and biodiversity to the point of extinction of keystone species which cascades into a rippling effect of mass extinction." "The food of your food's food goes extinct and boom goes the ecosystem." "The ocean produces half of the oxygen we breathe, we cannot live without a healthy ocean." Welp.

What hurts one may hurt the other. If I hurt you and realize how much pain I have caused you, I too may feel that pain in my own way. If I don't realize, I could continue to hurt you/others and continue to spread the pain and eventually I may not be able to "get away with" hurting people and face the pain I have created because I have hurt my own survival by hurting others - and then see how much hurt I have been doing. A human eats a chicken and may feel nothing for the chicken despite the chicken's death. The human that keeps on doing this and harming animals may end up harming its own survival and then feel pain as an unforseen or forseen byproduct. The notion of karma to me is like that. One won't necessarily get a "bad" outcome - one could still get a bad outcome even if they do everything "right". If one does things to try to consider as many things as possible in the choices, they are trying to make the best outcome for everyone. If they only try to make a good outcome for themselves at the expense of others, that could bite them in the butt because of how everything is connected and everything impacts everything.

@Nahm @Zigzag Idiot @Terell Kirby Thanks so much for your suggestions and support. It means a lot!

even though she seems to be doing better than you, in the big scheme of things, she is lower consciousness than you for not having any guilt for what she has done or recognizing that what she has done is hurtful to you or lacking any consideration for you. it will hurt her in the long run and she will pay for it eventually, even if she isn't right now you may eventually be smooth sailing and she will eventually crash and burn in some form lesson of what hurts one person hurts the other and so it can be helpful to do things that help everyone involved or do the least damage

Not saying this is you but something similar to ADD/ADHD is ideaphoria - which is when you have ideas/thoughts in your head all the time and it makes it hard to stick to doing 1 thing for a long time and your brain is constantly creating and changing ideas so frequently that you want your tasks to be able to change frequently too so that you can keep on creating - otherwise it is like walking against the current of doing the same thing for too long and when the excessive thoughts turn negative, it can be hard to get out of and can get worse and worse if focused on its like the best solution is to find an outlet for creation, which in doing so, may give motivation .. it is hard when it seems like everyone around us is doing so well and we see that we are doing so poorly but maybe reflect on what could be done to go from poorly to okay and don't even focus on great - just focus on okay.

i am having the same problem. dad says to me to stop being so negative and be positive and look for what to be thankful for. i blow up people's phones about how unhappy I am and yet everyone gives advice and I don't listen to anyone's advice its like being a parasite that doesn't want to stop being a parasite and knows its a parasite but also sees that everything dies anyway its like thank goodness that we don't have the memory of living forever - so even if life feels horrible, it is a temporary horrible and a game of just waiting it out with the assumed years left to live - but even that - life is such a struggle and so many hoops to jump through just to be alive - but there is a small amount of sadness in the temporariness of our personal experience - but also a relief I guess changing from - my life is super awesome to my life is horrible to - I hope I can at least have a mediocre life... it is upsetting to aim for mediocre when you used to imagine that it could be super awesome (but maybe that is a step up from my life is horrible)

If you could take some computer science and some computer engineering courses and see which you like better... write a pros/cons list for both look at job openings/opportunities/growth for both for employability ask why you want to do each one

imagine you have the computer science job or software engineering job and it is 8 am and you have to work till 5 pm with a 1 hour lunch break and a list of tasks that need to get done as well as some emails with more information about new tasks you don't know about any maybe 2 one hour meetings to discuss the projects. you have various deadlines to meet and are waiting on someone to get back with you in a few task areas for their part. you are sitting at a computer but your mind is working on the task you picked from your list to work on. some of the items on your list can be done fairly quick and you do well and some will take awhile and some you have never done before and don't currently know how to do and some you may be putting off on the backburner. the technical is a guide for what to do and the more you understand the technical, the more you can do.

Another thing that makes it hard is that everyone puts on this identity of being a good person who does and fights for good things and when you see what you have done, you feel like an outsider and that you can't fit in with just about all of the "good" people you are around. Goodness, or the ones you are around, openly rejects and wants to be away from criminals/evil and so you feel you should just hide from all the "good" people and never come out of the hiding place. Although if they were true goodness, they wouldn't reject criminals and admit that they too are criminals.

That's a cool goal. Theoretically if you did want to become a professional soccer player, can you see what the steps would be - like a list of what needs to happen in order to make that goal happen? It looks like your present identity is the same as mine - a searcher looking for a new life purpose/identity to cling on to best of wishes

Teachers teach what they know - which is based on how they were taught - to take the material given, memorize it, and regurgitate it. To them, the book/teacher/answer key is truth. The school system does not value questioning ideas, using multiple perspectives, and developing how to think for oneself, creativity, self awareness, emotions, etc. So many jobs are board game jobs - based on how well you can comply with the standards of "this is how it is done" now "get it done" - play the board game where the rules and pieces are already set and created. It can take a long time just to learn how to play the board game - it can also be lots of pressure to get certain outcomes from the game. The more obedience you have, the more your survival is guaranteed. If you are questioning the reality society has created, your survival is at risk. It can be harder to perform at school, at work, in relationships, etc.

I feel trapped. Trapped in this body. Trapped in the ideas. Trapped at work. Can only do xyz and have to do it like xyz. Trapped in schedule. Trapped in having to work 8-5. Trapped in having to look at computer screen. Trapped in having to speak language. Trapped in having to behave a certain way, say certain things, think certain things, move in specific ways. There are only so many options and choices and freedom. We are slaves to where we see the boundary is. Trapped in emotion. Trapped in sadness. Trapped in lack of motivation. Trapped in lack of ideas. Trapped in rules. Trapped in shoulds. Trapped. It is claustrophobic. Trapped in how people move around. Trapped in bodily pain. Trapped in money system. Trapped in how/where you can go. Stuck on the ground. Walk on the sidewalk. Drive between the lines. Sleep during night. Trapped in job system. Cannot take positions you are not qualified for. Cannot piss people off. Trapped in doing "what you are supposed to do". Everyone is copying off of everyone for how to act/be and it is claustrophobic. If I am everyone, I am contributing to the collective claustrophobia if I go along. I die as an individual body if I step outside. It is painful.