PepperBlossoms

The stuff we think about in our head we say is imaginary because we look outside our head in the surroundings and say, it’s not there. The stuff outside our head we see with the inside of our head and so it is like that to is imaginary too because it is from inside the head. But, when we say the head is part of the universe and there is no outside the universe, then it is like, there is no context for any of this that is happening other than what we imagine and physically make it to be. We are like all of the material of the universe seeing/being/interacting but yet it is both real and not real at the same time because when you look outside of it, which there is no outside (which I am imagining there being no outside but it could be more stuff inside stuff type thing), there is nothing to say it is out there. Also, the characters we imagine inside the head we could imagine to have character’s inside their heads too (like dolls inside dolls). Agreed with the deconstruction or constant not knowing which lets us play with ideas like kids play with toys.

@Someone here Really good stuff. Thanks for sharing. When the others say, enjoy the dream (makes me think of hedonism for some reason haha), deconstructing the dream can be fun too haha - like what you just did. It is funny how parents tell their kids - you have to go to school and get a job - when the kid didn't ask to be born and didn't ask to have to do any of that. But then well reality is here. Did reality ask to be here? Maybe we/it did/does, maybe not. If we started telling the souls/egos - hey I am programming you and here is how, would that be better? I sometimes give a fuck about age/career/beliefs because then I can ask the person about various things I have/(am) programmed myself to be interested in If we forget the story/programming, it can feel like nothingness and sometimes we are bored and just want to experience something because we are here and what else is there to do. What else is there for reality to do other than be/experience reality in different ways? Our experience is what we see/imagine and if we saw/imagined nothing, we may experience nothing - - so it can be nice to still get to see/imagine stuff. I think for many, the games don't seem fake to them - - but yeah the construct/concept/programming of everything is like the mechanism, the filter, the code, the stuff to look at The joy of getting to see/imagine oneself seeing/imagining and how oneself is doing that You (we) are also already messed up in the relative eyes of God too - which is fun because then we get urges to change stuff (to reprogram it based on what our current programming wants it to be) When I think of being in the middle of infinite reality - it makes me curious as to what could be to come in the other middles (but again programmed myself to be curious)

The ultimate life purpose may be to seek calmness. No matter what happens, calm will always be there when you look for it, when you need it, when you ask for it. Calm has been waiting all this time for you and can be used as a back up plan or a main plan. No matter the outcome, no matter the journey, if you have calmness on your side, you can feel calm with whatever comes your way. Yes you will still have struggles, you will still cry, still feel angry, still get confused and frustrated and lost and morn loss, but calm will be there by your side when you want it to. It can hold your hand when you are scared and weak, it can keep you company when you feel alone, it can show you love where you didn't think it existed, the quiet to listen, the emptiness to create, it can help keep you standing, it can help guide you on what to do. You can spend your whole life chasing money, sex, attention, fame, knowledge, whatever, but that may not bring you calm and you may feel like you are chasing something that will never fill you up and you will never get enough of. Calm gives you the power to be okay, to accept things as they are, to find the beauty where there seemed to be none, to appreciate, to have gratitude, to be thankful, to be patient, to be okay. Calm doesn't have to shout or get the attention; it doesn't ask anything of anyone and it does not judge. Yes sometimes we feel like we can't be calm - like we have to chose something else - and that is okay too. Calmness will still be there when you want it. Movies, music, tv, the news, conversations - they can feel like anything but calm at times. Sometimes we have to be alone and feel like we have lost what we love most to find it but that is okay too. We can remember a time in our past when we used to use calm and go back to that way of being if we so chose.

Can you elaborate some more on this?

@Tristan12 Nice answer! How is the body/us deciding what is crucial pieces of information and what is not though? Some stuff we could have no reaction at all to and it was super crucial and we weren't taking it seriously and it was having a bad impact on our survival. I guess this goes into the topic of - why do we have emotions in the first place? Also, to add to my previous answer - like how a broken chair doesn't fix itself, an emotion won't just fix itself and we can't just ignore it. The longer we ignore it, the longer we are handicapped. We are handicapped because we are not actively trying to do things to address/fix it to get the emotion to go away and be resolved and maybe we don't have the habit/skills for doing so. It also could be that we are somewhat enjoying this messy emotion because it is a different experience (hopefully) from our normal experience and so we may sit in it longer than we have to to get to explore it some more.

Final answer... The body is not functioning fully and we have to fix it but to do that requires sitting in the emotion which will go through lots of thoughts and ideas and eventually we will be able to recontextualize/think about the situation different/change the situation to where the situation that got us to have the emotion the first place no longer appears the same anymore and so we no longer feel the same about it.... ah ha!! Meh it may not be that but that sounds good enough haha. It is like a builder who has to put broken furniture back together BUT they have to put it back in a different way from the original way it was made because the original way broke (got emotional)

@Spence94 Can you elaborate some more on this being state? Like, as in, instead of in a state of searching, to be in a state of being? How does one be in anything other than in a state of being itself? Is it that the focus is not on searching/working/making money/learning/healing other than just being? Where does one draw the line between the being state and not in a being state? @Spence94 Cool. Glad to hear that. Haha some people have words they like to use a lot. Calm feels calming. I guess it is nice to get to experience calm for most of the time but also nice to occasionally get to have the other ones too for reference and adding more variety to the experience.

There can be comfort in getting more ideas because we may think, the more ideas we have, the more we may be able to react, adapt, respond, feel calm about things, etc. but yet our current relative form as is may temporary and our knowledge may be lost unless shared/utilized/stored - but even that could be lost too. Futility of temporariness on the relative side. Ideas may allow for making beauty, more love, changing things, growth, newness, comfort, healing, more perspectives, more ways to experience this experience, more resiliency, more diversity, inspiration, curiosity, etc. We can keep on chasing ideas but we may never get everything. Futility of never fully knowing. Yes it could be to enjoy the ride and as a coping mechanism.

INFP-T

@Superfluo Thanks! That sounds like a good one too. I've added it to my list.

Highly, highly, highly recommend reading Complex PTSD by Pete Walker.

Emotional vulnerability Honesty, trustworthy Likes to learn, explore, create, grow; curiosity Integrity Confidence Playful Supportive, respectful, kind, compassionate Into becoming more healthy Patient, understanding Adaptive Perseverance Willing to try new things, take risks Willing to speak one's mind

I guess I just wanted to say that I find it so weird how there can be stuff that is there that we don't see and it is like it is not there and then once we see it, it is like - wow, how come I never saw this before. It is also weird how we can be so against opposing ideas and so refusing to want to listen to them when we are depriving ourselves of having another awe moment. We are trading the potential awe for irritation because we have seemingly decided that there is no awe to be found - or we have forgotten that awe moments exist and just take everything for granted. Then when we have that awe, and it is like - wow! It feels like magic. It feels like we have unlocked a mystery. We then feel slightly weird and wonder, well, what other mysteries are right in my face that I am overlooking?

@flowboy @Gesundheit2 hahahaha

I could be totally wrong but you sound like my twin replica. (I guess this is what I would suggest to my twin me haha) Read page 87-89 on Flight (or the entire book - I am actually on the section I just suggested haha but it sounds like a good fit actually): https://blobby.wsimg.com/go/a7124a00-f63c-4010-bbdc-5020f1cf45aa/Complex PTSD_ From Surviving to Thriving ( PDF.pdf I've been called a child and then looked this up and found this and then the book above https://www.michaelsamsel.com/Content/Individuals/adult_child_syndrome.html Also, thoughts all the time could be high ideaphoria - it's a skill/talent/aptitude (I have it too) I've quit jobs too but meh I think it was for the better and they were not something that utilized my strengths. It's okay to go from doing a lot to doing nothing. Sometimes seeking calmness when we feel too chaotic can be helpful - like trying to seek stillness, quiet, peace. This book helped on accepting that: (read first paragraph starting with "Listen" on page 123 of pdf, 124 of the book text) https://www.perfectbrilliantstillness.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Book-from-PerfectBrilliantStillness.org_.pdf What has also helped is noticing that the thoughts are not complete and will never necessarily be complete and that we can get trapped in thoughts like when we forget we are watching tv and to notice when oneself is so focused on thoughts and try to back out of that. Ask yourself - what is going to be the most helpful immediate thing for me and start doing that. It's okay to have all these different ideas you want to think about. When that happens to me, I try to write all of them down and then pick one to think about and if I feel I have exhausted that one, I can then go to the next on the list. Also what helps is typing it so you can write it faster and I guess I like writing because I can see/store the thought and don't have to keep on repeating it over and over again to hold it in my head. Having a blog (I used wordpress.com, free) can help get those thoughts out. I've also liked using Microsoft Paint for thoughts as I can use the text function and put them all over the place. Also its cool to have a large dry erase board and write them on there but note that hand writing will be slower than typing. Also tools like Scrivener are cool if you want to turn it into a book. Also, Trello helps (free, Trello.com) for organizing activities and that is a kanban style thing.

@Mohammad Agree as well! @KoryKat The indirect thing is really weird but I have done it too and I am still not sure about if I like doing it or not. The person could interpret it differently but also it could be less threatening to be indirect. It would be optimal to just be direct but I can see that we can feel that, oh I can't do that - but then it is like, well why am I saying that I can't? I've been telling myself that I want to be less sensitive and want the feedback but also I've found that I will still react to it... it is a work in progress!! But.. even if I am reacting to it, I will still be processing it and it often does help and I can integrate it- it just takes time, as do many self changes. I guess sometimes reacting to it isn't necessarily bad because hey, we are getting the message and taking it seriously - and since we are taking it seriously, we may think about it for awhile and long enough to try to understand what their message really meant. @RobertZ Ah yeah I can see that telling someone their motivation/idea/value is "stupid" can feel hurtful and make the listener not want to listen/participate anymore. I can see that many perspectives have some degree of truth and value in it. Interesting point on making decisions based on values. I've experienced cognitive dissonance where the action went against the value and can see how much values can lead us toward/against doing something. @modmyth Good point on the listening to speaking ratio. I can also see that some situations will require more of one than the other but that in general, it can be nice to have a balance where it is going back and forth and not one person hogging it all the time; and also looking at the responses and if they are in response to what was just said or if the subject keeps on getting changed. It is okay to change the subject but if done too much, then the person may feel like they are not being seen/heard/felt/understood like what you said. I could also see times where something was said but there is such a values/awareness clash between the two people that the listener may not realize how much value/passion the speaker felt for what he/she brought up and dismiss it and bring something else up - but it is also hard to expect others to know how we feel if their experience/background/interests are so different. Also - I could have commented on anything you said and I happened to pick this! ha. With regards to considering and anticipating the needs, I guess we could also voice our needs if we feel that they are not being met and also look at if we are meeting theirs as well. Interesting point on the "trying to change you" to be safer/in control/checking on their view. I can see that if someone is to the point of feeling uncomfortable, they could do what makes them comfortable and sometimes we are just so unaware of stuff that it takes the other person's telling us. Or it could be that the other person is saying things that we totally disagree with and we can tell them that we disagree and maybe we change our mind or they change their mind or both. With regards to how people give advice in a professional setting - ah I can see that they may have figured out a game plan of how they say it, what they say, when they say it, what the client seems to be able to handle, what the client can understand, etc. I still feel a bit weird about all that but I guess I have quit listening to advice because I didn't like the way it was being said so I can see that it can be helpful to gain awareness of that kind of thing - people could quit on their therapist/coach/boss if they do not like the way stuff is said and vice versa. Intuition seems so weird. It is like - how the heck are we getting this, where is it coming from, how am I prioritizing??? The ability to see potential and rank stuff is wild. I guess also just looking at what one's values/strengths/weaknesses/interests are and also using that as well as identifying gaps in info and ways to fill the gaps which then creates more gaps... basically - what is going to allow us to make new stuff that doesn't already exist?? Good point. It can be fun to share one's experiences with others and listen to theirs. I guess we could also just be unaware or really low skilled at doing certain things or it could also be that we just hadn't had much practice with speaking our mind but then the more we do it, we may notice that oh yes, their feelings are kinda important too haha so I better consider those! (I guess also will depend on if the person values comfort more or if they value getting new insights more but I would say to a degree, people value both and if we want to give insights that may seem uncomfortable, ahh we may need to be extra careful about comfort or just be ready that it is going to be tough for both parties). Yeah they could also just be unaware/not care. Or that it is going to be tough but it is more important to them to say the message than not. @Raptorsin7 Yeah agreed. People tend to react well to it and may be more likely to work with you and listen.

How do you handle this topic? For a while, I had the tendency to tell people stuff without them even asking for it and found that I was very inconsiderate of their feelings and do not want to be like that anymore and am embarrassed that I did that. If you come across something that has been helpful for you and could be helpful for another person, do you tell them or do you just appreciate that it helped you and keep it to yourself? There is trying to help others and trying to change them and we may think - if I changed them, that could be helpful. But, is it my place to do that and how would I like it if people kept on giving me unasked for advice and kept on trying to change me and basically say that everything about me was unacceptable? I guess if the relationship is where the other person keeps on trying to change you over and over again, maybe you don't want that relationship and you may find that you and the other person keep on judging each other. If the relationship is where you can have fun and every once in a while comment on things, that is okay? I really don't know!!! This is a gray area that I haven't had much practice. Like, a therapist I can imagine has to walk a VERY fine line as they do not want to insult their client but also the client wants to heal/grow. A teacher basically gives students advice indirectly when they grade the papers. A sports coach gives advice. Some jobs are for the purpose of giving you advice. There is the line where you are complimenting all the time, there is the line where you say nothing, where you just be you, where you say whatever you want whenever you want, never suggest or comment on anything about them unless they ask for it, only comment on stuff that is a direct threat to your wellbeing, do you not say anything even if they ask for advice, etc. We could find a website, book, song, perspective, food, workout, etc. that we like and want to share it with others but - look - we only have so much time and all the books/movie/whatever recommendations we get, we can't actually do all of them. Some of the recommendations that I got I really liked, some I didn't, and some I just didn't have time to do. I also see there are different ways of sharing stuff like - Oh I really liked this book and you may like it too. Or, I came across this info and was thinking about your situation and thought you may benefit from it. Or, oh I've been reading this book on xyz (but don't say anything about them liking it and only comment more if they say they want to read it too) - but then, that could be a sneaky way of trying to change someone. I used to think that I needed to change people to be more like me but I don't really want to do that anymore so I am scared of intentionally trying to do that and ahh. Like, even posting my thoughts on actualized, although I could do it to help me, it could also be to help others - but then am I changing them and is that bad and ahhh this is a weird topic. I guess I've felt hurt when it seemed people kept on wanting to change me. I guess there are lots of ways to bond with people and just exploring those ways can be helpful.

@Yarco Yeah I can see that as well. People could want to be so calm that they choose to shut stuff out, dissociate, seek escape/avoidance and yes that can prevent them from growth/trying different things. Deliberately choosing the hard path/listening to discussions that we disagree with or are wanting to reject can feel like anything but calm but it can be what helps us grow the most. I can see that it can be toxic/negative for always choosing avoidance/wanting safety and it can also be positive/neutral for trying to get back to a balanced state because one went way too far into fear/confusion/negativity and wants to find some inner peace again. I was reading a book that mentioned how, instead of seeking positivity, to seek calmness - where calmness is more neutral and easier to get back to whereas if one wants positivity all the time - that is hard to maintain and they may be upset every time they flip flop from positive to negative and want to seek perfection that doesn't exist. But - meh, one could gain great stuff from flipping between positivity and negativity too so I am not sure now... I guess I was thinking about how when I was much younger I seeked calmness and it was great for my work ethic, diligence, and mindset but I can also see that it wasn't great in that I was only good at that one way of being and was not developing outside of that. I guess I was seeing the benefit in having a calm lens and how one may be less scared, sensitive, reactive, and more patient and hopeful (but actually they may be more rejecting doing that because they may reject anything that is not calm as well). It can be of great value to get to experience life from a negative/positive/angry/bored lens as well. For one's survival, sometimes calm is the worst option and you have to pick something else. Like, one may have to totally change his/her mindset to get off his/her butt and start doing something else- haha eating doritos - that does sound pretty calm! To only want calmness is like to only want to stay the same as one is forever for the rest of one's life - which we kinda don't want because we enjoy growing (some of us) (although sometimes it is hard to endure). I guess I have seen where wanting calmness was bad because it can get me/others to want to quit having a conversation that could totally help oneself because me/they were not seeing calmness and were saying, well this is not calm and so I am not going to be part of this anymore - which again - then it can be more worthwhile to listen to the words and not the tone (but sometimes tone is helpful to listen to too). There are so many nuances and we often just see one/a few but then we later see so many more!! Another thing - we can work on the muscle of being able to cope when times are not calm and can get so much stronger and do things we never previously thought be could.

Two things that I have also learned is that to be better at being able to stay in the activity and not feel like you have to take a break (#4 of the first post), (1) focus on your breathing and also (2) try to see the love in the situation from both person's perspectives. I saw a video where, to prevent dissociation, you draw a square with your finger and when you go up, you breathe in for 4 seconds, go across and breath out for 6, go down and breathe in for 4 seconds, and go across and breathe out for 6. (Or something like that). There are also other breathing and dissociation techniques too. Another comment is that if you choose dissociation and decide to not listen, tune out, you are going to be deliberately missing what is happening and you could be making it worse for yourself (although not necessarily). If someone is talking to you and because you aren't listening to the words, you may only hear the tone and you may find the tone scary but if you had listened to the words, you may have found that the message was rather - please listen to me, please don't abandon me, please be here now - and maybe it is upsetting the speaker because they have experienced neglect. (But there are so many different scenarios). You could be making them more angry by not listening/responding and yourself more scared by things seeming to not get any better and feeling like it is never going to end. When we try to see their perspective and how it can be loving, it can make it less scary and more reason to stay in the moment. Both people could be acting out of love and wanting love but both people could be misinterpreting the other person's perspective and ignoring their needs.

I've had struggles from being very sensitive so I made this spectrum to better understand it: 1 - Cannot calm self down for entire month/year; holds grudges; almost no skills in handling emotions, hard situations, and hard topics; blames others; doesn't really seek help 2 - Self tries to use logic/feeling to sort things out; may talk/write about the issue; may take week/month(s) 3 - Self is getting better at seeing delusions; self has explored methods of how to calm down; self will still struggle with cooperating while sensitive but can calm down within a few minutes but does have to stop activity to feel more comfortable 4 - Self does not have to stop activity and can still power through it while still feeling sensitive; self is aware that self's sensitivity has potential to breed un-cooperation; self is aware that the moment is temporary and that self can detach some to not take it so seriously; self practices self love while trying to power through 5 - Self doesn't really get bothered by much; fully functional; can process most ideas What do we get sensitive about?? WORDS - Demeaning ideas about exterior body/interior personality traits; demeaning ideas about our job potential, past performances, ideas, relationships, creations ACTIVITIES - Poor performance, results, outcome; rejection, disappointment, impatience; loneliness, abandonment; reality interpretations; noise, lights; lack of empathy, ability to relate; annoying, unfairness; lack of sleep, food, shelter, money What is sensitivity anyway?? When we cannot yet attempt to identify or sort through delusion, misunderstanding, poor advice, intentions, lack of skill, danger, lack of experience, lack of proper expectations, lack of executable plans, lack of responsibility, lack of structure, lack of distinction, lack of knowledge. We have a lack of solidified understanding, expectations, plan, identity, values. We feel confused, angry, hurt, unsure.

Actually, I want to make some other comments. Calmness is not always the best option. Life is like a pendulum that goes back and forth from chaos to calm and sometimes when it is too chaotic we seek out calm and when it is calm we are ready to seek out more chaos. Also, there isn't any one life purpose that is better than others I feel like and so I was wrong on that too. Seeking calmness can be a helpful tool when you need it but it can also be helpful to be willing to dive into chaos.

@Vincent S You are welcome. I am glad that it was of help! @Mohammad Nice video. Yeah it does seem to be a trap to pick a side and defend it vigorously as that makes it harder to explore the other side. But I can see that it is impossible to pick zero sides too - I can say, I will pick the side of not picking any side so as to explore all sides - but that too is a side ha. Basically picking a side is like picking a tribe, a mascot, a team to be part of and it becomes us vs them and it is then like a football game where we are rooting for the us when if we took a step back, we may not really care which team won. On some topics - I guess I pick the side where I won't know/understand no matter how many studies I look at and how do I really know who to trust and that I am open to all sides being right/wrong - - but again, that is picking a side too......... I guess I could back off of that as well and say that there are benefits and problems with not accepting evidence as well as accepting it. I guess not picking sides too strongly though could be an easier side to work with that may not get as upset, sensitive, reactive because it has nothing to defend, agree, disagree, etc. But I guess we also have to pick sides in some cases for survival reasons and just a function of being alive - like picking - okay I pick this food over that food or this activity over that activity or this shirt over that shirt or this book over that book or this job over that job.... You kinda have to pick something as being has to exist as something otherwise there is nothing to be/experience.

@hyruga Yeah you are right. I often forget that life is a game and to not take it so seriously and I need to work on teamwork and trying to respond better to the other person's needs. Sometimes our biggest critics are our best teachers. And that no individual wins because we all die in the end so all the more reason to work together while we are here! Yeah sometimes I get entranced by my thoughts and forget about the others involved... Nice observation on the "someone who has a lot to talk about" haha. I guess I am going through a lot emotionally right now and the above may have just cost me a relationship.

I have basically failed in some way or another at almost every difficult conversation but I have some tips that I'd like to try for whenever my next one is and here they are: Be physically closer to the person (depends on your relationship) so that there are less distractions in the room to look at and you can hear each other better. You may be more likely to treat each other better when you are closer too... maybe. Focus on the words the person is saying. That is what they are wanting to talk about and work on. Yes they are using a tone too but that could be interpreted incorrectly and if your voice is softer, theirs will already sound relatively more aggressive or vice versa. Also, your past experience with tones will shape your interpretation of it and that will most likely be different from theirs. They could have been around aggressive tones and find them normal and you could have been around soft tones all the time and find that normal and then you have two normals thinking that the other is not. The tone could be mean, scared, whatever but don't always let that get to you and try to focus on the words. (Yes I can see though that we will still want to make meaning from tone - I have just found that I have ended up using the other person's tone as a focus point, distraction, and excuse instead of their words and was not able to get through the conversation and would tend to quit because of it and also that focusing on that made it harder for me to focus on the word content itself). (My bf came up with the tone difference thing not me.) Resist the urge to leave the room. Focus on what the voice is saying. Resist the urge to respond with anything that will go off topic or criticize the other person. Stay on topic. Going off topic can add hours and hours to an already difficult conversation. Going off topic is better for conversations that are not so emotionally heated but yes I can see that there can be times when it may be better to change topic. Resist the urge to respond with any emotion other than a productive emotion. I suggest starting and finishing the conversation with a productive emotion. Starting the conversation with an upset attitude can be harder to transition out of. I presume that when both parties are able to maintain productive emotions instead of upset emotions, it is far more likely for the conversation to be successful, whatever that means. Consider generating an idea of what the end result of the conversation looks like as well as what the steps to get there may look like. (THIS IS HUGE ACTUALLY especially for difficult conversations) Like - why the heck are you having this difficult conversation in the first place and do both parties understand the significance? You are possibly very much so risking your relationship having this conversation so you want to try to do it as best as you can. So again, your main goals here are to focus on the words themselves, stay on topic, do not give up, try to stick with it, and maintain a productive attitude. I am guilty at basically failing horribly at every single one of these over and over again but it can be helpful to identify where the failure is happening so you have something to work on.

So a thought I had was - well why the heck do we have this reaction in the first place? Why is it so common? (or so I assume it may be common but who knows) Well, if it starts when we are kids, as kids we don't have much experience with different things and hence may tend to think in black/white all or nothing thinking. It isn't until we are older that we get more experience and can add more nuance. Black/white thinking can flip flop from completely good to completely bad so the above is completely bad. Because we are feeling an intense negative emotion at the time, our thinking may match that and so it is going to be matched with the completely bad thoughts which seem to be poking at a lack of feeling love.