PepperBlossoms

We medicate ourselves with our job, our relationships, food, tv, music, the news, books, ideas, dreams, school, drugs, meditation, sleep, exercise, religion, politics, war, crushes, porn, video games, art, competition, growth, etc. The thing is is that we are on a plane that is going to crash. Death. We can't mitigate the plane - it is going to crash no matter what. That restless anxiety is aware that the death is coming. Think about it - when you are on a plane and you feel the turbulence - it feels crazy and you feel hopeless. But yes we can come up with notions like, we are all one, or this is a dream, or its all in your head, or just be calm, or just one step at a time. Well if every moment we were aware of the death, we would be crazy, which some of us are. I guess even if it is all a dream, the temporariness of the situation can feel wild - - but I guess that is all the more reason to come to peace with death and temporariness and just enjoy the ride in the best way we can.

Thanks for the replies everyone. Not everyone can get themselves to fit within the same shoe as everyone else and it isn't necessarily fair to try to force it.

Emotions can be like a handicap - they can be so strong that we can't ignore them in a similar way to headache, backache, dizzyness, cramps, etc. It is like there is an overload of signals and stimulation kinda like in the same way when there is too much noise or touch is too ticklish - our senses feel maxed out and we feel like we can't handle it. Our reality may be experienced through the lens of that emotion - when we feel sad, things look and seem sad too: the sad stuff becomes the music, friendships, work potentials, reality itself, etc. We associate the emotion with everything kinda like looking for synchronicity. We are looking at everything through that lens. Like when we think someone is delusional, we are going to be looking for all the ways they are delusional to justify that. it is like black and white thinking but with emotion. We are forgetting to make nuance to the situation in that the emotion of say sadness is not the only way to describe something. Like one is so attached to one perspective/filter/lens and is having trouble detaching from that. It is like when we are sad/angry, there is a loss, regret, unacceptance, rejection, survival depletion, feeling stuck, etc. Another way for reality to experience itself. Because we know what it is like to not experience it and so when we do it seems handicapping in comparison. Because the body is not functioning at its best when it is feeling intense emotions in the same way an injured person's body is not functioning at its best. Our thinking process gets impaired in the same way a sick person's movement may get impaired. It is kinda like we are sick in a way. Because we let them be. Because we imagine that they have to be handicapping and imagine the situation to be the same as the emotion. Because we tend to look for stuff based on what we are already trying to look for.... But why are we trying in the first place and why did we decide to look for it/at it in that way??? We see what we want to see............. We don't know how to handle them and we don't know how to make them stop/go away. We are obsessing. We are trying to process/react to the situation and it just so happens to be in an emotional way. We have passion for life and because of that, we have passionate reactions... The emotion feels like hell and we think it is going to last forever and do not at the moment have enough nuance/observation/skills to be able to do anything other than sit in the emotion until those nuances/observations/skills come and free us and save the day like superman. WHAT do you think??

If you grew up fawning, what did you do to stop doing it so much? Fawn example: not wanting to hurt others feelings, not wanting to get in trouble with what you say, deleting/changing something you said after you said it, conforming your attitude to match your peers, hiding your feelings, letting the other person pick the activity, agreeing with others even if you don't, being dismissive of problems, going along with things you don't want to go along with, staying away from arguments/controversies, putting on a happy/positive face, etc. I noticed the problem with excessive fawning is its dismissiveness of addressing things, its inauthenticity, its unwillingness to speak its mind; kids who grow up with parents of excessive fawn(s) could have a highly distorted view of "normal" and become overly sensitive and scared/intimidated to anyone who does not excessively fawn; if one parent fawns and the other speaks their mind, the child could associate the one speaking their mind as scary when really when if both parents spoke their mind, they might not be so scared. Kids could think that being nice is when one fawns and anything short of that doesn't make the cut and feel like they aren't nice if they don't do it too. Fawns can be annoying with their overwhelming positivity and people pleasing and fawns can let problematic stuff slide and go unaddressed.

I think i've been feeling hopeless but I just reached out to a psychologist... yeah don't wanna spread the poo poo energy around

It feels like sucking at stuff and then you feel like, why bother trying when people are just going to tell me how bad I am at it. Or I am just going to fail so why bother.

me too. twins.

I guess I can see the other side of the spectrum where the parent did more criticism than just loving/accepting you for who you are. I guess my parents were on opposite extremes. I feel like I struggle more with my parent who overly criticized me than the one who was kind and fawned to me. I struggle with the things he told me. It feels stupid because part of me is like, well just prove him wrong. But part of me feels too weak to do that. Part of me feels like all the criticism took such a toll. I feel like I didn't get enough love and so I don't have enough love to give myself or give to others. I can feel myself start to do what he did where I would not be present for someone or help someone or give them kindness - I feel like I have the desire to shame others the way he had the desire to shame me. I guess I feel like, oh I am worthless, not good enough. It makes me sad when I see him applauding other people but not having done that for me. I need to just forget him and stop thinking about him and making myself sad. I agree that if one knows a shit load of stuff, they can have more confidence. I need to stop having pity parties for myself. I feel like my heart isn't really in anything and I kinda just bounce from being interested in one thing to another but it never stays on the same thing for long.

What is a yes and what is a no when it comes to potential partners? What are you looking for? What does it for you?

Note that your partner may be just as messed up as you (in various ways) and that the best relationships are the ones where you can both grow together and keep on growing for years and years. So even if someone seems "lower", you may just not know them well enough and also not know how bad you are at stuff too. But meh yes I can see that we will have some people we say are way out of our league (either too high or too low) and that there is a happy medium to find so that you are both comfortable and don't feel "not good enough". I think when you find a suitable partner, you won't feel so unrespected/alone - but also note that everyone will have things they need to work on and that some girls (myself included) will have lots of work to do when it comes to communication, working together, and being present/respectful. If we had toxic/traumatic childhoods - we may tend to have even more to work on and be even worse partners... but over time, we can get better at that stuff but just note that it will be a very bumpy ride especially for the first few years It is not the worst thing ever to start dating late and you are still starting sooner than some other people. We had various reasons for starting later such as not wanting to be humiliated by our parents for having romance, feeling stressed by our parents regarding focusing on grades/school/work, being shy, whatever.

Not saying this is the best advice or even what is going on but maybe you fawn too much. The fawn is when someone is trying to people please, bend to the will of the other person, etc. The phrase "girls don't like nice guys" is maybe because the nice guy does too much fawning and not enough "fight", or not enough of just being himself, saying what he thinks, etc.

@Vision What has helped me has going to a counselor/therapist. If I felt really bad, I would go twice a week. When I felt better and stable, I would go once a week. When I felt I didn't need it anymore, I told the person I didn't need to go. The times I had stuck with going to one, I went for about 4 months but however long one needs to go will depend on the person. When I was really bad (anxious/depressed/purposeless), I felt like I needed to go to the therapist every single day and would feel like I didn't know if I could make it like the 3-4 days to go again... but I guess I somehow managed. I guess one could ask to go more than twice a week - the most I ever asked was for twice as that is what my friend was doing at the time and I got the idea from her. Also what helped was just lying on the floor in my closet and just trying to calm down; meditation. Also the Motivation App for smartphone was and still is super helpful too. Also exercising (or getting some sort of movement) and some meditating. I feel like exercising outdoors is more healing than indoors at the gym. Also having people to talk to even if that means talking to strangers on various social apps. Also eating healthy and getting the right sleep would make a difference. One of the big triggers was my "inner critic", which if not tamed, could talk me into a dark place. Calming down and noticing that when we tell ourselves that no one likes us and we are worthless and hopeless and stuff like that.

@Vision I was prescribed Escitalopram when I was maybe 19. The doc said I was to cut the pill in half and take it - it could have been the same dose as you. I felt like a zombie and it felt like people's emotions were intensified and mine were gone. I could concentrate better on some stuff but was tired/sleepy also to where I could not concentrate or stay awake even. I decided I didn't like the way it made me feel and that I was not going to take it as I did not want to be a zombie my whole life but then I would get insane anxiety (from the withdrawal) and then take it to make me feel nothing and then the insane anxiety would come back and then I would take it again. I told my roommate to hide the medication from me and I never took anti-depressants ever again. Whenever I have been depressed, I have chosen to ride it out and although I have gotten close to taking them again, I never did as I did not want to deal with those side effects. If you think you can ride it out and eventually heal/calm on your own, I wouldn't take them. If you don't think you can do that, then I would. It made me feel more suicidal too. I probably only took the pill 4-5 times so I did not last long at all and yes I have heard you are supposed to take it for quite a while for it to stabilize (lets say 1-2 months) - - when you want to come off of it, you are going to have the 1-2 months AGAIN for stabilization.... and maybe it would have only taken 1-2 months to fully stabilize naturally without the drug so it is kinda prolonging the stabilization process and I feel like one is missing out on just naturally working through the emotions.... but yeah sure maybe some just can't handle it- everyone will be different. I have many family members who are on anti-depressants and plan to be for their entire lives and I just didn't want to have to do that. I felt like there was going to be some data/life experiences I would be missing out on my taking the anti-depressants. Like for one, at the gym, I couldn't get myself to push myself because I felt so mellow with the drug. Also, I felt more emotionally detached from people and wanted to be closer, not further from them. Also, just because a doctor recommends something doesn't mean you have to do it... you are the ultimate decider. It may feel easier to ignore doctor recommendations when you don't live with your parents or people pressuring you to do what they say ha. My family pressured me to get the anti-depressants when I didn't want them... but some people do want them like my family members. They can take them but they can't force others to.

It feels like chasing something that you won't ever really know the answer to. You could come up with various theories for how reality is but there is no one to verify that you are right other than just whatever feels right and doing that it is like faith that, yes this is finally the right answer - but yet no - like oh this just appears to be the best I got but it isn't necessarily. I am realizing the futility of the desire for wanting to get to a better understanding of things. It is the same futility that goes with not knowing stuff, stuff being temporary, stuff being out of your control, not having access to all perspectives, futility of emotions, futility of politics, scientific theories, the futility in trying to win, futility of morality, futility of survival, etc. Everything is futile and it is just like - meh well whatever.

I think all the stuff I put earlier could be dog shit so I don't know anything.. and I am sorry for bombarding this thread. I felt like I was making these amazing realizations but then realized that they are just ideas and that even if someone verified it, that wouldn't really be verification and meh I was chasing ideas that I don't think I would actually figure out/solve. So I guess my current stance is meh. @hoodrow trillson I don't know what "awakening" is but some stuff like realizing like - oh shit I am killing bugs/trees/animals - that is hard to forget with regards to the whole job thing. Or, oh shit this career puts its clients into bankruptcy, or oh shit this career makes bombs and kills people, or oh shit this career forces kids to do work they didn't want to do and pushes dogma down their throats; or oh shit this career spreads propaganda; I guess stuff like that is hard to forget and I guess I just try to integrate ideas with what I do. I've also been reading some clinical psychology stuff which has been cool for a change.

I feel like the only reason we say there is a god that dreams us up is because we dream stuff up too. If we never had dreams that were in a reality separate from the one we seem to operate in, we may never say that there was someone else doing the same to us.

But then because the imaginary dream character that we daydream about doesn't exist and the universe that that character is in doesn't exist - - well we could also say that we and the universe we are in doesn't exist either other than in the daydream of the dreamer.

And then maybe that is why it is called God-realization because it is when one realizes that one is a dream that God is having and that God is making the dream and we are part of that.... God made us - God imagined us - but like how Jesus said I am the Father/Son/Holy Spirit - we the ones in the dream are the same entity that is the dreamer (or a projection of it)

I think this relates to the idea of the all-knowing, omnipresent God -- like the Christian idea where God can see/watch/hear you at all times and knows what you are doing and thinking. Like where when people pray to God, they think they are talking to the God. Well, lets say that the next level dreamer is the all knowing God but the God is also dreaming that he is Person A and he is also dreaming as Person A that he is the daydream imaginary character; in the meantime, God is also dreaming that he is Person B and as Person B he is dreaming some other dream too. SOOO, I can see that maybe that is what the Christian mystics meant and it got lost in translation as a separate person when really God is all knowing and all the dreams but also all the characters. That makes more sense to me. So when people say, you can't be fully awakened until you die, (wake up), that is because the Person A dream character doesn't get to experience being God because that is not how his dream is going. Then, the idea of going to Heaven is that when you die, you get to be with God because you are God. Then the idea of going to Hell - uhhh - I guess I don't really think there is a hell. So the idea that we all get to be with eachother when we die works because we are all God, we are all the same character, we just don't realize it. So when people have near death experiences - - maybe that was like being with God. Ahhh I don't know.

The problem is that science doesn't work. If you think about your daydream imaginary character, it doesn't know you exist and it would not be able to find any sort of subatomic particles to tell it that you do because it cannot go out of its reality/dream and into yours. It is limited to being stuck in its own. However, you know that both you exist and the daydream imaginary character. You can see your neurons and you could possibly see the neurons in it. If there was another entity dreaming about your life dreaming about the daydream imaginary character, it would know about all of those. But you however are a dream of it and would not be able to access it. One can only make assumptions that there could be something else dreaming about us but one wouldn't be able to see anything at the subatomic level to prove that that is the case. However - we could look for hints. Like, when we dream, the stuff we dream about is based on characters we are familiar with. Well, it could be the same in that the stuff that we are experiencing is what the dreamer is familiar with in the dreamer's reality. It could be that we have some new out of the blue stuff that say the dreamer's reality had that the dreamer then dreams about and it may feel really out of the blue but it is happening because that is what happened with the dreamer. If you think about the synapses, protons, electrons, whatever - well in terms of dream theory, those are all imaginary and part of your dream and another reality may not have that at all. Again not saying any of this is true but that is theoretical.

@Leo Gura@Inliytened1@Carl-Richard Am I close to y'all's notion or am I still way off?

The multiple universes/dimensions thing would work too in terms of the different dreams thing. I am open to whatever concept of reality makes the most sense and ha this one is an interesting one to think about. Then it ties to the whole idea of time, space, and dimension not really mattering and also makes sense for how material stuff exists if it was just imagined and not created in a physical way but yet it seems physical. Then people say that "God" the dreamer dreaming all the dreams - so yeah God created reality but that's because it is being dreamed. Then when people say - it came to me in a dream... It makes me wonder if some of the inventions that we have were already created by some other dreamer previously and they dreamed about it and the character in the dream made it and then dreamed about it. Or same goes with psychics and precognition and stuff like that - maybe the stuff that is happening in the dreamer's world impacts the dream and vice versa and there is some sort of relation. Ghosts could just be stuff we imagine and put into our dream or maybe someone else is able to enter our dream. I don't know...................

Maybe it is called awakening because it is like we wake up from our dream - we realize we were in a dream in the first place and we were the dreamer. The whole idea of having trauma or gaining wisdom from past lives could be like an unconscious thing where a previous dream lifetime we had got us troubles we are having to work though in this one or wisdom where you see the young person who is already enlightened because in the other dream they woke up from, they figured more stuff out. And the idea of - oh how you act in this life will impact what you reincarnate in the next one (dream) would be funny because to have a dream, there already has to be a dreamer so your fate of what you end up as (wake up into) is already decided before you had the dream in the first place. ahh again all this could be a bunch of b.s Infinite dreaming/imagination.. Then it is like, well shit - who cares what happens in this life I can just do whatever - but we don't want to have the dream turn into a nightmare and be really scary/sad so we still want it to go okay.

And we are here trapped in a way where even if we escape, we are still here... but one escape is forgetting and not knowing that we are trapped in the first place - which is the beauty of low consciousness. Kinda like being trapped in a maze/labryinth and having various degrees of knowing that and various degrees of stages we have gotten out of but the maze/labryinth never ends. So while we are here, we can laugh, cry, take stuff serious, take stuff silly, not care, care, whatever.

What if we are like russian dolls. The daydream stories we have in our head are what we are imagining and it is like we get so lost in the story that we forget we were daydreaming until we come out of it and notice our surroundings. Well what if there is another being that is dreaming about the life we are experiencing right now and that being just forgot it was daydreaming. What if there is another being outside of that being that is daydreaming about that being but also just forgot it was daydreaming. It can then feel like, oh well then is everyone else here in this dream just part of my dream or do they have their own russian doll assembly too where someone else is dreaming and the person they are dreaming is them? This mindset could be why that one guy on actualized jumped off the bridge and killed himself because maybe he thought it was a russian doll thing and he was going to wake up from the current one and go to the more meta one. However, that doesn't work really because even if you leave this one, you are just going to be in another one and even if you leave that one, you are just going to be in another one. Then there is the idea - the whole world is imaginary because all of it is in some entity's head. Then there is the idea - those who don't want to be enlightened can't because they are so busy theorizing the dream they are in that they don't think to imagine that there is something outside of them dreaming their dream. Then one can say non-duality isn't fully enlightenment because it is not thinking about the russian doll concept. This whole thing could be a bunch of b.s. but it sounds really wacky to think about. Then there is the, well you need something more meta of you but you are always in one form of dream state and aren't in all of them at once. If you were in all of them at once, well our brains can't really see that many perspectives and experiences at once but maybe a metabrain, metadream brain of all the dreams happening can.