PepperBlossoms

It is weird how I can go from obsessing over one topic to completely forgetting about it and obsessing over something else. It is kinda like I will have amnesia and then completely forget a week later what I was obsessing about a week before. I think I second guess myself on somethings. Well actually I am not even sure what second guess means... I guess to doubt what you have done/thought - but I change my mind a lot. I guess that isn't necessarily doubting - that could still be believing in yourself - you are just changing what you believe. I was wondering if no - actually my intuition is low... like look at what I have done - look at how I was a bad girlfriend, look at how I went into a career that was a bad fit - if my intuition was high - wouldn't I have not made those mistakes? But again, in asking that - we can't know everything right off the bat. I hadn't known all the things there was to know about being a girlfriend until after I had gotten in to it. I hadn't known all the things that goes along with careers until I had one. Sometimes you have to jump in knowing almost nothing and you will catch on to things. I guess my intuition was okay... but man I have messed up quite a bit! I don't even know how intuition works and how one would even test for that. I guess it would partly be with long term thinking as well as how many variables one is considering which will again be based on what one is presently aware of and what they find important and value. Or like - how was I even able to say that long term and number of variables would matter? How did I come up with those 2 of the top of my head? .... My brain is weird and IDK what it does. Um I guess if you are only thinking short term, you are disregarding a whole lot of variables for long term. I wonder if I am even thinking long term right now??? Well if you are working on self love, healing, and figuring out careers that would work - I would say that that would be for both short and long term. I would also say with regards to variables, well if you are still all messed up from something, you may have a bad experience and be toxic no matter what so yeah that can be helpful to work on. Meh maybe I am on the right track then! I guess there is no "RIGHT" track though - it's just kinda whatever we feel like and it will vary for everyone. Okay ummm I guess I should get back to reading that book I was reading.......

I feel like I don't know how I am going to figure out the career thing. It amazes me at how so many people are able to pick something. I guess again, I have to keep in mind- what do I want to be doing, what do I want my impact to be, what do I NOT like doing... Ugh. I don't think I am going to figure it out today. I mean I could try the writing thing some more.. I kinda put that on the backburner.

I guess the thing with ideaphoria is that she said you can't stay on the same thing too long or you will get really frustrated. Like you can't do the same thing for several hours straight - it has to keep on changing up. So I think I was given clinical psychologist instead of mental health counselor for instance because she said you want to be able to come up with links/connections really quickly and move on - so being strong in diagnosing a problem but not being the one to fix it. Like being able to identify all these areas that connect together really quickly and easily but saving the mundane, slow stuff for someone else. So like Civil Engineering was like 1% of brainstorming and 99% of mundane, slow stuff. I guess she said - like if I was a counselor, I may get frustrated because the patient would be talking for most of the time and with my excessive ideaphoria, I may be thinking of all of these ideas but not able to speak because the patient is speaking and that would be frustrating for me.... It is super interesting how aptitudes can really make-break your career. Or at least according to their theories. I guess the place I took the test assumes that aptitudes are the main thing driving what you are good at... and meh idk maybe so

I feel like trying to pick a career is a whole career itself.... And then trying to get the career is a whole career itself... And then trying to do and keep the career is a whole career itself... Who has time for careers? haha I feel like talking about careers is BORING. I don't want to talk about careers. Maybe that is why I haven't figured it out... because I haven't wanted to. The career advisor told me Civil Engineering was a HORRIBLE pick based on my aptitudes and I went with it AGAIN and only lasted 2 months.. she was right... but also the whole cutting the tree down thing I was just not able to do or rationalize. She also said LAWYER would be HORRIBLE too - Ideaphoria is really bad for certain careers. She said that people may get diagnosed as ADHD but really they just have ideaphoria and if they are not doing something creative, they will have the ADHD where they can't do it or will feel like they are going against a river current because the mind is not doing what it wants. The list I got that I posted here is slightly different from the one I got 10 years ago but the lady that I had talked to recently disagreed with some of the suggestions that I got. it is really cool that I was given film director as an option - I don't know how one becomes one though....

Um okay yeah I am more of an introvert than an extrovert. I can be crazy sometimes but the crazies will definitely out crazy me. When I took a semester of classes in the Drama department at the community college, I was like one of the quietest ones haha. Yes I do like to interlink knowledge from different areas and yes I get bored of technical data. The lady had said that I would be bad with 3D stuff - but yeah I can see that I can be really bad with knowing what direction stuff is in relation to what direction I am facing - especially if the building is a weird shape or if we have done a lot of curving/zig-zagging. I guess various engineering fields like mechanical/civil/chemical could have various 3D parts but that never really seemed to be a problem for the most part. Okay so this one, the ideaphoria - that was one of my strong points. I think I got a 99+% on the test. The issue is this is really bad if you are doing something that is not creative and very boring/repetitive. So the engineering for instance, was horrible for the ideaphoria - for me at least. It says to avoid research and analysis jobs - which that is kinda why I stopped writing my book. I was doing research on global warming because I wanted to be somewhat knowledgeable and I got stuck on the research part and quit writing. The problem is that if you don't know anything, you can't write. So you will still have to spend time learning stuff but yeah it will have to be on what you are interested in. The foresight - yeah that is what is making this whole process so darn hard is I am being so concerned as I don't want to hate it - I think that can also make decisions in general harder because you are not just thinking about now but the future too I don't trust that it says that I have associative memory though. I unfortunately kinda cheated on the test on the part that I think this was related to where I had lightly written some stuff down and then erased it. That was really stupid of me because now I don't know if this one is accurate or not. I don't think I am good at memorizing names of things. That could impact some things. Maybe I should ask the career counselor if the results change any if the associative memory is not a valid one... She hasn't replied to my first email yet. The high design preference - I think that means to be good at coming up with designs which yeah I can do that. Um okay so I don't see myself being a professional with music ha - I am not that good but I can do okay with just making stuff up and doing some vocals of going like ahhhh in a mysterious way if that makes any sense. I am not good at singing words. Yeah I don't like being in the same place for the entire day and will move around. That is a problem where a lot of jobs are desk jobs - like my last 3!! Um with this one - it says I can read fast. Sometimes I am really slow though... I took this career/aptitude test thing like 10 years ago so I don't know if my results would be different but the test is also super expensive. Um okay I don't know if this was helpful writing this stuff but whatever. Um yeah.

Okay um well I divided the list. Some of the stuff I put under maybe - I don't know what it is haha. I don't want to do advertising/marketing to get people to buy products, I don't want to try to get people to vote for a certain way, I don't really want to paint/make music as therapy, umm okay. Oh and I had to take several of those instructional video training courses for work and I hated all of them - that is related to the e-learning option. I also don't like commercials/ads so I don't want to add to that industry. Politician stuff is kinda annoying. I guess with the maybes - lots of writing, psychology, art/film, and education stuff - which again I was considering stuff related to teaching, writing, psychology, and acting so it is still the same general area

https://www.onawakening.org/post/why-i-stopped-being-a-therapist So I saw on this website the person wrote about why she stopped being a therapist. She was enneagram 4.. which I am too!! She said she had problems with how she could come up with ideas for what would help the patient but the problem is that there are like an infinite number of paths and she would just have some and she wasn't the patient. I can totally totally see that that would be frustrating. She also said that life has us all this unsureness and we aren't sure if we made the right decision and she didn't like getting money for basically teaching people to be more okay with the unsureness of life. Every decision we make is an opportunity cost to something else. I guess my career advisor had not suggested Mental Health therapist and there could be a good reason for it. These are the suggestions I had gotten:

@Loba I have had awakenings (I call them epiphanies) by writing too! I heard JK Rowling say in an interview that she doesn't often know how she feels about a topic until she writes about it. It is interesting because by writing, you think of more things and then as you write you think of more things. It helps me to get my thoughts together. I can get ideas by thinking too but not for too too long because I will find myself repeating the same idea over and over in my head to not forget it whereas if you write it, the worry about forgetting goes away for some weird reason even though I may not ever look back at what I wrote haha. Yeah the hide button is nice. Okay cool. I would get dopamine hits by getting epiphanies. Oh wow I didn't know Jesus was too haha. I wonder how that was figured out.

I was reading on quora about reasons why people hate software engineering and it was kinda reminding me of Civil Engineering - people doing it for the money, people overexaggerating about themselves and their team's capabilities (I really did not like that), people's stomach's getting bigger (from sitting at the computer all day duh!), people feeling stuck in the job because they already have a family (and don't want to have to start all over in another career), sitting in meetings, people staying there from early morning to late at night, people having a hard time getting raises - basically the politics in Civil Engineering seems pretty similar to that of Software Engineering. I think I will keep looking. But I know I can't reject everything. I guess reading the reasons for why people hate something is a good start to see if you can tolerate those reasons because sometimes it is the hate part that gets you to leave rather than the love part that gets you to stay (Actually a lot of times).

Hey Loba! Wow that was a super cool video you just shared. The one I was referring to was this one (I watched the whole thing): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGahNhCYV3E&t=0s I like what she says about trying to pay attention to how we feel about stuff. I can see though that some stuff I felt bad about ended up later being helpful in ways I would have never guessed so I guess the method isn't going to be perfect but it is still a helpful general idea. I was taking a look at some of the stuff you posted and I was pretty impressed. Those videos were really cool too - like really artsy/edgy. I thought it was cool how you would post your routine too. Yeah that is a really good point to just not give a **** about what anyone thinks and just write stuff. Yeah I had checked back and saw you were the same personality type on that one thread haha. I had to re-take the 16 personalities test several times though because in the past I would get different results every time but this time I kept getting that same one. Writing stuff out is pretty easy and yeah I guess we do just have to try to be as authentic as we can to try to pave the way forward with what we think would be best. Oh thanks on the intuition wow. I feel like it is still super, super hard to know what to do and I am so unsure of so many things but maybe that is okay.

Gosh I change my mind at light speed. This is so embarrassing. I just Idk I guess I'm really not that interested in math...... Umm okay hopefully no one read this haha. Maybe I should just work on imposing myself some more.

I am already thinking this one is a no..

But ah IDK part of me feels like I would get bored of it though and wouldn't care.... I guess I need to try out that website.

So I could totally change my mind but I realized that I don't like telling people what to do, what to think, or trying to convince them of my perspective. So of the careers I was considering... Doctor - tells people what to think as in - take this medicine, do this therapy, change your diet/movement Writer - tells people what to think as in - focus on this, look at this perspective, consider this Teacher - tells people what to think as in - learn this, memorize this, do it like this, pay attention, stop talking Actor - tells people what to think as in - watch this, look at this, focus on this, look at me, laugh at this, cry at this Therapist - tells people what to think as in - consider this, focus on this, think about this I guess I don't like imposing on people. I have found that when I did it in the past, I didn't like doing that. I have some posts on the forum that I feel bad about and felt like I was imposing and am considering going through and hiding them. I have felt bad when I tried to get someone else to change their mind and take my view. I didn't feel good about doing it and often my opinion was not taken. I don't necessarily like it when people do it to me either. There are so many perspectives, nuances... But I can see that I did greatly benefit sometimes from being told what to think/do/or how to direct my attention. I just don't know if I would have the heart to do that. I am more of the - oh well what do you think - kind of person than I am the - you need to do this because of xyz. So the other one which my mom had suggested was software engineer. Both of my brothers are doing that (I am a triplet) I wouldn't have to interact with the client directly which could be nice if I am socially awkward. I would get to work with other nerds which would be cool... I sat with the nerds in high school. The salary would be good. My brothers could help me quite a bit being they are both super experts at it. IDK I could totally change my mind. I noticed that the application deadline to the place one of my brother's went to is May 1st so there is still time to apply for this year which is cool. Although I don't know if your chances are harder the longer you wait. Um IDK I guess I am already on the computer almost all day anyway and I can read and type fast and it would be using some brain power which would be good for getting my brain going. Math was always my best topic whenever we had to take those standardized tests -- although I did have to have my brothers help me figure math out but once I figured it out, I was fairly good. I got a higher grade than my brother in differential equations even though he was the one teaching me.. we sat next to each other and studied together for the quizzes and exams. My brother was trying to teach me some stuff and I was like, oh this is cool, but I was also like, wow this is SUPER, SUPER mind intensive.. like it seemed way more mind intensive than Civil Engineering which is what I was doing.... I did feel like it did not seem like Civil Engineering had the smart people (I know that sounds super cocky but yes that is the feeling I had.. I was also bored of that career too). It is super, super competitive though and both of my brothers had to go out of state to get a job (even though our state is freakin huge). Um well IDK I guess it is just a thought but again I could change my mind because I have changed it constantly over and over and over again. I would still be getting to come up with ideas I feel like which the ideaphoria would use. And because everything is typed in the code, I could see what others are doing so that I don't feel so scared or whatever because everything is right there. I guess I am not sure if I will get bored of doing code all day - that is my one concern. I got bored of Civil Engineering but that is different. Another issue is with deadlines which I really struggled with with Civil Engineering. Plus another one is being at a desk all day looking at a computer which I did not like about Civil Engineering. Yes every career will have things that I do not like. Ah IDK again I could change my mind. But the point of not liking to impose on people is actually a really big epiphany. But I guess also if your parents never let you impose on them then you may not like doing it as you never had any practice. But yeah again I don't like it when people try to force their views on me all the time. I guess like - I had been posting quite a bit recently on Facebook of random motivational quotes I thought of and decided today I didn't like bombarding people's feeds with that and also that I didn't want to share that so I made all of them private. I don't really want to explore politics/religion/environment/scientific studies either so anything to do with that for a job I may really not care about. Okay well whatever I will see if I change my mind or not. My brother had given me this website: w3schools.com I guess one of my next steps would be to just look at that some more. But I also really want to get through the Complex PTSD and Healing Shame books. I had started writing a book about the dark side of Civil Engineering but realized that if I published it, all it would really do was either get hated on or get people to quit their jobs - like once you become conscious of everything involved and if it bothers you (or doesn't).

I guess I am feeling like I don't want to make stuff public anymore. I am not sure why. I am feeling like I may be distracted or something by it.

I kinda feel like I feel bad about some stuff.. or I feel like I am not sure if I feel good or bad about it.. so maybe this is something that will be helpful to think about more.

I can see that sometimes we have to do stuff that feels bad because in the long run it will feel good and I think I am still struggling with that.

I guess part of me is wondering if my notes should be in my own private blog and not on here. A peer sent another email with more things but I was not angered at all this time. I think I am improving and feel much better about that. The article she provided did have some helpful things such as how cult leaders will tell you that the world will be a better place if everyone had their message - I am finding that many people have that attitude - but I can also see that when we so strongly believe in our ideas, we may naturally think that way. I guess it could be helpful to note that, yes this person speaking has one perspective and that perspective may be helpful in many ways, but also note that there will be lots of nuances and other perspectives too and that that person is probably not going to have everything. https://www.decision-making-confidence.com/characteristics-of-a-cult.html That above was the article that she shared. Um lets see, I guess again - I am not sure of how to feel when it comes to talking about other people. I can see that talking about concepts, places, ideas - those are okay. But when it comes to talking about people - that is a really sticky subject and I am not sure if I for instance should have even talked about my peer. I changed the reference to peer to keep it as broad as possible. There can be benefit to talking about others as there is so much to work on and explore when it comes to them. It is also hard though because you do not want to hurt anyone's feelings or reputation and hence hurt your feelings and reputation too. Sometimes we may feel like we have to because we are trying to figure things out.

Ummm.. so my aunt has told me over and over that I act like a child. What does an adult look like to you and what does a child aged adult look like to you?

I think that to some degree, yes taking drugs will give you different experiences and may change your brain to where you think things differently and get epiphanies. But I think also to some degree, people get temporary or permanent brain damage from the drugs which they create insights from and call themselves enlightened when really their brain is just damaged. In "A Mind So Rare" by Merlin Donald (page 71-73): "he was unable to extend his awareness beyond anything that was in front of him" "his attention span was confined to a time window of only a few seconds" "he lost major parts of the occipital and parietal cortex on the left side of his brain" "he could not follow a movie because he could not retain such a long series of events" "he had difficulty remembering things" When people say, "I experienced that the world was not real and neither were any of the people in it" - there is a chance that you lost your memory and only saw certain things because of what happened to your brain. When people say "the only thing that exists right now is what I am experiencing" - well again that could be brain damage where the brain is unable to take in other things. How about the idea - physical reality creates the structures that allow us to be conscious and our consciousness is what allows us to experience/see physical reality - - like they work together and evolve together. Our perception impacts our notion of reality and reality impacts our perception. Again, who knows and I could be wrong and have changed my opinion over and over again. But it is just looking like people defending strongly in the dream theory is more like faith/dogma/religion. Note the idea that based on the brain's impairments/functioning - that will impact your processing/awareness. Also, if dream theory worked, I should be able to imagine a pizza on my bed and have it be there........

In a way, we have to endure some negative stuff to make positive stuff. We have to work on resiliency and coping techniques to make it through the negative part and sometimes we just have to take a step away and try again later. If we didn't endure the negative part, we may have never gotten whatever it was we wanted. One can also ask, well what positive stuff could possibly come from this negative stuff? One can use their imagination to try to identify/come up with some positive potentials as well as re-assess if one should switch to something else that may have more potential than what we are currently operating with and focusing on.

"Our failures are stepping stones to our successes." I was thinking about hope a few hours ago actually - hope that things will get better - we notice new things and experience new things just by existing and those changes bring about more changes for more new things to notice and experience. The stuff you are focusing on now you probably won't be focusing on in a few days/week/month from now - life can change pretty quickly and quicker if you do things to change it. Also just moving to a new room in the house or putting on some different music or changing the lighting or talking to new people or putting on new clothes or reading a different book or eating different food or doing a different activity - doing stuff to change your environment can make a big difference too. I too was feeling like my life purpose was meaningless. It can be an sad/upsetting experience to feel like we worked our way into a corner and then have to take a step back a little bit out of the corner for how to proceed. Also, sometimes it is hard to stay interested in the same thing and we need stuff to change it up and we can always go back to the stuff we liked a bit later - whether that is a few hours/days/weeks/years whatever. Or it could be that we can keep the same general life purpose but it just has to be tweaked some and it may take a few hours/days/weeks to figure out how to best tweak it. Life can be a garden to grow whatever you want (to a varying degree) and sometimes we decide we don't want to grow say potatoes anymore and want to grow watermelons instead. I had the same general idea when I was say 19 where said that I would kill myself at 25. I have had some very sad moments but I made it past that and am still here today and you can too. When we feel in a dark place, it can feel like things are never going to change and we are always going to be sad. Life has ups and downs and the ups are great and the downs feel horrible. The downs don't have to last forever though and things can get better or get different. Life is so unpredictable that you really can't predict what the next month or even year or years are going to be like. You are not alone and many people have similar thoughts of feeling sad/hopeless but people do make it through it. You can do it too and you can make it through this!

If I am dreaming every perspective at separate times, how does dream order work of what comes before/after what? Why can't I reveal stuff from other dreams to my current dream? So instead of it being the person in the bed dreaming the dream, it is nothingness dreaming it; and likewise, nothingness is dreaming being awake. I was previously thinking it was the russian doll method where we have daydreams but the daydreams aren't aware of us and God has daydreams of us but we aren't aware of God - and that God could be experiencing all dreams/perspectives at the same time. So the reason one can access awakening without using psychedelics is because they have to be aware of when they are meditating when they go into a daydream and then come out of it and see it does not match the current surroundings and then because everything seen externally comes from internal, that too is imagined like a daydream as well and then note the nothingness of how the daydream doesn't exist physically other than as imagination. If one is so focused on exploring the dream, they may overlook the dream and inside/outside head concept. How would one ever experience omnipresence/God/full consciousness if one is dreaming from a limited perspective? The scientific idea of evolution no longer makes any sense - the idea that life came from replicating self mRNA and eventually evolved to all these organisms. I don't know how other stuff would be able to dream in the same way humans/cats/lizards can. So then, "it came to me in a dream" is kinda like one dream being able to talk to another... And people's notion of "reincarnation" is kinda like where you go from dreaming from one perspective to another - but yet you are still the imaginary nothingness. A peer said that near death experiencers experienced being the galaxies but that doesn't necessarily make sense unless the russian doll method applies or I am still thinking about it wrong. So then technically "god" doesn't have to dream out the main character in every perspective either necessarily.

@itachi uchiha Holy shit. This book is amazing.