PepperBlossoms

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBLdQ1a4-JI Haha I don't know why but this is funny. I typed in "ahhhh music"

The bad part about careers is that people feel stuck doing one thing and aren't able to explore other things. Look at the people who did all these different types of crafts and not just one? That seems more fun I feel like. These are cool though... https://www.amazon.com/Wild-Art-David-Carrier/dp/0714865672 https://mymodernmet.com/ocean-resin-wood-art/ https://www.goodshomedesign.com/15-amazing-interior-design-ideas-that-will-take-your-house-to-another-level/ Ah I love looking at this stuff. It's WILD. https://www.scoopwhoop.com/Strangest-houses-from-around-the-world/ I think the way our environment is shapes us - and when our homes all look the same - meh IDK it would be cool to have some funky rooms like this...

It is between -5 and 5 degrees outside (if that gives you any hint...) Yay!!! or not haha Umm wow it kinda seems like I would have hated like 99% of careers... so maybe I don't have to be so hard on myself about Civil Engineering. or it seems like the ones I was suggested are really bad fits. I am not sure how so many people are able to do their jobs!!! I feel like the corporate business environment is THE WORST. I liked remote better but still it was corporate and so it was A BIT BETTER but STILL BAD. Yay.

Educational Psychology https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-educational-psychology-2795157#:~:text=Educational psychology involves the study,learn and retain new information. Ah again I am feeling like I won't like this one either haha. It is working with people and teaching them how to learn. i feel like I personally need more of that. I was thinking about school and how horrible it was in a way - like super dysfunctional. The teacher is talking on and on and if you are seated in the back of the room (someone has to be back there) - it can be REALLY HARD to pay attention to the teacher - it can be easier to lose focus. Also, there is like ALMOST NO interaction/engagement it seems. The teacher talks and you are to listen/write what they say. Well, that is kinda SUPER SAD because it is all this missed out time of just getting to actively EXPLORE ON YOUR OWN and BE CURIOUS about stuff and ASK QUESTIONS and INTERACT WITH YOUR PEERS. It was mostly SIT QUIETLY and RAISE YOUR HAND when you have a question. I can see why homeschooling would be more effective for possibly personally developing curiosity however one may then not get to develop interacting with peers if they are alone. But the peer interaction ISN'T THAT GREAT at the school either. "The three top-level domains he described were cognitive, affective, and psychomotor learning objectives." "Educational psychology involves the study of how people learn, including teaching methods, instructional processes, and individual differences in learning. The goal is to understand how people learn and retain new information." " social, emotional, and cognitive processes that are involved in learning throughout the entire lifespan." (PAUSE>>> I feel like I have been sitting for too long and will have to start being more active - like stretching, walking, exercising.. the past few days/weeks have been super emotional for me and I was lying on the floor or sitting on the floor or lying in the bed for most of it.. doing lots of crying...<<<END PAUSE) "he believed schools should focus on students rather than on subjects. He advocated active learning, arguing that hands-on experience was an important part of the process." "Educational psychologists work with educators, administrators, teachers, and students to learn more about how to help people learn best. This often involves finding ways to identify students who may need extra help, developing programs for students who are struggling, and even creating new learning methods. Many educational psychologists work with schools directly. Some are teachers or professors, while others work with teachers to try out new learning methods for their students and develop new course curricula. You may even become a counselor, helping students cope with learning barriers directly." Part of me is like - well I don't want to tell teachers what/how to teach - I think they would get upset and would want to decide for themselves... I feel like the school/work system is a complete JOKE. Like - how you have to have a bachelor's/master's/PhD for so many careers and there is the licensure too. It kinda partly seems like a SCAM by the university system - thereby forcing you to take their curriculum. But I can see that - oh well we want people who do this to be educated in it - it is just frustrating because you don't know if you will like it and have to GAMBLE (YES GAMBLE) all this time and money into something you HAVE NO CLUE if you will actually like.... Ha and they say gambling is illegal.. Ooookay "The Constructivist Approach One of the most recent learning theories, this perspective focuses on how we actively construct our knowledge of the world.5 Constructivism tends to account more for the social and cultural influences that impact how we learn. Those who take the constructivist approach believe that what a person already knows is the biggest influence on how they learn new information. This means that new knowledge can only be added on to and understood in terms of existing knowledge. This perspective is heavily influenced by the work of psychologist Lev Vygotsky, who proposed ideas such as the zone of proximal development and instructional scaffolding." Yeah I agree with this - everything we are taking in is going to be in contrast to what we have ALREADY taken in and the stuff we have ALREADY taken in will definitely bias/impact the new stuff. SUPER WEIRD... "Cognitive psychology aims to understand how people think, learn, remember, and process information." https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-zone-of-proximal-development-2796034 "A teacher in an experimental psychology course might initially provide scaffolding for students by coaching them through their experiments. Next, the teacher slowly removes the scaffolding by only providing brief descriptions of how to proceed. Finally, students would be expected to develop and carry out their experiments independently." Wow - that method is a pretty good one. I remember when one my Steel Design and Concrete Design professor was having us try to do stuff on our own, I felt like "I CAN'T DO THIS!!" It felt too hard to figure out how to do it on my own. I think the idea of easing people into it based on how much skill and awareness they have developed is a huge yes. "Asking a student what they think should be done next, what their thought process was, or if there are other ways the problem can be solved" "Asking students to use prior knowledge to better understand more complex topics" "Using meta-cognitive online tools such as self-assessment of material and self-correcting to help students learn concepts4" Wow these are some great suggestions. I feel like yeah we are using prior knowledge to grasp future knowledge and we have to keep on re-assessing things to see if they seem to add up or not - like a self check mechanism that is FLUID for change. Getting them to be more aware of their own thought process can be helpful too. I guess I am not even sure of MY OWN THOUGHT PROCESS. I think I just kinda JUMP AROUND and look at various things and then that gets me to start JUMPING AROUND again looking at more things. Lots of jumping. I don't like feeling stuck on the SAME THING for TOO LONG - which is why I think I am telling myself NO on MOST OF THESE careers. But meh I may have to pick one. I am still not feeling like I would enjoy teaching people how to learn... like it feels like it would get boring after maybe 1 day...

Art Director/Creative Director: http://www.verse-co.com/journal/2015/6/28/why-i-quit-my-job-as-a-creative-director "The work was becoming too routine and I was doing more large scale projects that involved extensive usability testing, risk mitigation and limitations with legacy systems" "but slowly the mundaness of work was chipping away at me and I was no longer excited." "Creatively I wasn't growing anymore. If I had continued on my body of work wouldn't have been reflective of the type of work I wanted to be doing. I was engaged with more thinking, meetings and less 'creating' per se. So I bit the bullet and handed in my resignation" " One thing is after 8 years of 9-6pm I realised that I just wasn't that productive. A lot of the time I could've completed tasks in a third of the time, if it wasn't for the extensive meetings and just trying to clock up enough hours." " I now work half as much as when I worked for an agency and amazingly have managed to earn more. I'm now efficient as ever. So I have more time to read, spend time with my family and friends, my dog butters and go play tennis." "It felt like unnecessarily we were all just trying to hit that magic 40 hour week and it was a very outdated and rigid structure built from some old world thinking." I agree that the 40 hour work week isn't good for creativity and when companies are more focused on meetings/billing (which maybe they have to be), you won't get to spend as much time making creative stuff. I think one could do something like this for a few years to earn some money and get experience and skills but that yeah they may get burnt out if the work is not the TYPE of work they want to be creatively doing. It can be better to work for yourself so that you can PICK yourself (or hopefully more so) of the stuff you want to make. I am not sure what all art directors/creative directors would make. https://www.bls.gov/ooh/arts-and-design/art-directors.htm "Art directors are responsible for the visual style and images in magazines, newspapers, product packaging, and movie and television productions." I feel like that would be cool. But I also think I could get bored of working with visual styles and images all day.

https://www.jobhero.com/career-guides/interviews/prep/what-is-a-media-director#:~:text=Media Directors are the professionals,to get their jobs done. a media director is doing advertising and marketing - which I don't really want to be pushing products I guess if I made my own product, I would kinda have to do it - or not. I don't like advertisements.

https://www.ssmhealth.com/neurosciences/neuropsychology I feel like I would get bored of neuropsychology - yes it is broad in itself but I feel like it is not BROAD ENOUGH.. I am starting to think doing my own writing - whether fiction/non-fiction/children's books/comedy/movie scripts/etc. is really all I may be interested in because I can make it as broad as I want

One thing I wanted to say was that when people are giving me their advice about someone else - I can't fully trust it. Everything that they say is based on what I have told them about the person as they are not around the person. The stuff they are complaining about that person could actually be a reflection of my own faults because I was projecting my own faults onto the other person when I would speak of them. Kinda weird but makes sense. Also it won't necessarily always be like this. I just again don't really trust what anyone has to say because maybe I was giving a shitty explanation of things.

https://braindoggies.medium.com/fuck-everyone-37c3b3fb8da3 So this person said that they were a content writer and it was basically just filler and it felt pointless/meaningless and that it was like the fluff that goes into the bears at build-a-bear. Yeah I definitely don't want to be doing fluff for the sake of fluff. That does feel uninspiring. She did bring up a good point about writing whatever the f*** you want to write about even if it is really weird because people will like weird.

So it says that a copywriter creates text/slogan for advertising for a company - or for their social media page and blogs. I don't think that I would want to do that. It says that an industrial organizational psychologist looks at companies and makes suggestions for how to change them. I kinda don't think I want to do that either.... It requires a PhD...

"I felt so guilty taking a whole day to write just one article because I knew that, if it were a freelance brief, I could’ve done it in an hour. But the office environment, the strip lights, the pressure of having to fill eight solid hours -it quashed my creativity entirely. I have never felt so unproductive in my entire life. I realised that while I could do non-creative work in an office environment, I absolutely could not write in one. It just doesn’t work for me." https://writingcooperative.com/why-i-quit-a-perfectly-good-copywriting-job-6-weeks-in-1983da8721a9 Interesting. She brings up a good point at how she could be creative and move around and do different things but she really struggled when it came to doing it 8 hours a day non-stop. She said it is easier to write remotely and do it self-employed.

I think okay - part of the mess-up is toxins. Toxins are a huge problem. The toothpaste, the drinking water, ice cream, chips, maybe the aluminum pans.. like that stuff alone is enough to make things bad. Then there is the noise - traffic. Then there is money - inflation, expensive food, expensive housing, horrible jobs I feel like okay so then what? The news - super depressing So like what, what? Okay so I quit the toothpaste which I already decided, I quit the aluminum pans. But what about the job thing? That is such a mess. Like idk. Okay um... ... ... It stinks that jobs are so bad. At least all of mine were - like SUPER SUPER SUPER TOXIC like really bad for your health. Really weird because hey this thing is supposed to keep me alive but it feels like it is killing me and it is OUT OF MY CONTROL too. I think another problem with work is the whole idea of being expected to do the same thing everyday all year for years and years and years. I think it would be healthier if the structure was different and we didn't do one thing all day. There can be some stuff that is monotonous, boring, traumatic, whatever.

I don't think that the jobs we have work. I have been reading reasons why people left or hate their jobs and it seems like the job machine is a complete mess and doesn't work for almost anyone. It seems like people are either under-paid, under-mentored, over-stressed, bullied, gossip, ughhhh IDK

I am realizing that the therapist really is NOT that helpful. So like yeah sure if you are f****** desperately horrible -then yeah.. but even so - maybe not. They can only GUESS as to what would help and their life is often quite different from yours and hence a lot of the suggestions they may give or stuff they think the meeting should focus on is NOT actually what you want to focus on. I think also calling your friends won't help much either because again they ARE NOT YOU and they are GUESSING what they think would help. Yeah sometimes we just want to talk stuff out and if anything - their guesses are just giving you one more thing to NOT CONSIDER. I think that the whole idea of "its gets worse before it gets better" at the therapist is because the therapist is often SO BAD at GUESSING what you actually need because they ARE NOT YOU that you can see the stuff they are saying isn't working and then you START TO FEEL HOPELESS because you don't think YOU CAN BE HELPED. The BEST THERAPIST will tend to be YOURSELF.

My intuition says that all OF THIS ENTIRE EMOTIONAL MESS that I have been going through the past several days was because of that sensodyne toothpaste that the dentist gave me to put little globs on. It has fluoride in it and I don't use fluoride like ever. i think it messed me up and I put way way too much on yesterday F*** that dentist and I am not using it. I would rather get surgery on my tooth than have brain poisonings. I am going to have to go to a different dentist if I want to get it resolved.

Whenever I look in the mirror, I feel like I see a depressed, sad, crazy person. I feel like one of my PEERS - that person is on meds and hasn't worked in like meh 30 years. Okay but meh it is okay to be depressed, sad, and crazy though right? I feel like I have so much CONDITIONING that that is BAD and UNACCEPTABLE. I THINK THAT IS ONE REASON WHY I CAN'T LISTEN TO ANYONE'S ADVICE LIKE 99% OF THE TIME - BECAUSE THEIR RESPONSE IS BASED ON THEIR CONDITIONING AND I DON'T WANT TO BE CONDITIONED IN THE SAME WAY THEY WERE. LIKE I can totally tell in a way - like - oh this person is giving the typical response a conditioned person would give - but I don't want to give that response too!! But sometimes I do. I can't even listen to my OWN ADVICE! MY OWN ADVICE is CONDITIONED and so I IGNORE IT and then switch to SOMETHING ELSE that may or may not be MORE CONDITIONED or LESS CONDITIONED. I can see myself saying lines to someone and they are not liking what I am saying and I am like - oh well in a way, everything I am saying is because of CONDITIONING so of course they don't like it. I think the stuff I like to listen to the best is the stuff that disagrees with everything. The stuff that is unique. The stuff that doesn't care about the conditioning. But WTF how do you even decide what is and what is not conditioning in the first place?

The problem with giving me SOOOO many suggestions to be a writer is - well w** does one write about? I guess I am writing now - but like okay I am going in circles. I feel like its so much easier to be someone with a different aptitude - I feel like my personality is THE WORST ONE to have. It is so unstable. I feel like I am in the 99 percentile of unstableness - but I guess I don't know how extreme that can get so many I am more like in the say 97 percentile?? I feel like I am too unstable to have a job, too unstable to have a partner. It is so weird. But I also feel like I am too unstable to be alone. I was able to do so well in K-12 school - like I was at one point #3/700 for class rank... but no I feel like this crazy person who can't do anything other than not do anything. I think I talk bad about myself too much. I feel like I over-freak out over just about everything. I feel like I assume bad stuff constantly. I feel like maybe my dad was too hard on me??? But also I don't know - like what if it wasn't even him - what if no this is just how I am? What do people who have my aptitude and get my test results even end up doing??? Do they all become writers? Well what do they even write about? Do I need to be JK ROWLING? But like what am I to write about? I guess I had some general ideas already but part of me is like - no those are too pessimistic. I am like the William Shakespeare - I am the pessimist, the depressant, the sad, the hopeless, the pitiful, the futile. THAT IS ME. My PEER was saying that my other PEER is that - but THAT IS ME. I am the negative. I am like Orson Wells - writing a SUPER DEPRESSING BOOK - I looked at his 1984 and could only last for like 5 minutes and then had to nope out because it was just too depressing for me. But yes here I go again with the negative self talk. Oh hey mom and dad!! I am not getting a job! I am a WRITER!!!! (I don't think they will be happy about that. LIKE NO YOU SHIT YOU CAN'T WRITE!!! But look mom and dad - look at this pdf the career lady gave me - it says writing on like 1/3rd of the suggestions... Am I an complete IDIOT for ignoring the suggestions?? I ignored them for the past 10 years and look at how far it got me - - super clueless and jobless! Yay!! it is weird going from - oh I am the top student in the grade (I was the valedictorian in 8th grade.. like wtf) and now I am like yay I am clueless - I thought that the smart people were supposed to have everything figured out - well I am not necessarily smart though. I feel like smart people don't feel hopeless and wrong and so off about everything. I think I really enjoy criticizing myself. I think I tell myself that I hate it when others do it but I think I actually LIKE IT when they do it because although I say that I HATE THE PAIN, I think part of me LIKES THE CHALLENGE of wanting to rise up to whatever they are saying- - but like is that even right? There have been lots of times where I was criticized and I BLEW IT OFF OVER AND OVER again - like I refused to listen, refused to consider it. I think I would rather feel pain than feel nothing?? Like I don't want to be bored so I am like alright pain, lets do this b****, just hit me with whatever you got. And then I try to take it like a champ. I think Like EVERY TIME I TELL PEOPLE ABOUT MYSELF and they give me suggestions, I ALMOST ALWAYS do not do whatever they say. Like ALMOST ALYWAYS - like 99% of the time. I change my mind like over and over and over and so fast that I can't even keep up with it.. When I say "I feel like I need to stop", which I was going to type - I actually DON'T FEEL THAT WAY but I put it anyway. I think it is a habit. Whenever I push people away, I ALMOST ALWAYS don't want to -but again that is a habit too. I think a lot of my habits s**k a**. Umm okay. Even the ummms, the likesss, the okayyyys, those too. But those are kinda fun (muhahahaha).

I was thinking about that website that was talking about intuition and I think the website got it wrong. It said to pay attention to synchronicities - no I think that is a bunch of b.s. I don't think those mean anything. I was also thinking - you could have a thought in your head of "no don't do it" but again -I also think that our thoughts are b.s. too. I don't think they are right either. I think intuition is not in the thoughts at all - the thoughts are rather super, super deceptive. Intuition is in the feeling. Yes your thoughts could seem like oh yes this is right - but intuition does not mean following the thoughts. The thoughts could actually be what is totally wrong. But meh this whole thing feels whack. You can't necessarily trust your feelings either. Feelings are super, super shitty ways of deciding things - but if you can't trust thoughts or feelings you are like HELEN KELLER where you have no ears or eyes. So you are then enslaved to trusting your feelings and your feelings are going to be flip flopping over and over again. But you can't trust your thoughts again. BUT how can you tell the difference between a thought and a feeling though??? aren't they kinda the SAME THING?? All I will say is a thought could be a statement, a bunch of words said, a feeling doesn't have that. BUT NO - this seems like horse shit still. Nothing means anything other than what we make it mean - we decide what we want it to mean and I just happen to keep on deciding to have feelings of hopelessness. That is my go to BFF. I feel like the whole idea of intuition is a bunch of b.s. maybe. I feel like everything is B.S. Ugh I don't think anything is trustworthy and we just listen to whatever we want until it hurts us and then we stop listening and then we feel so alone and so helpless so we choose something else to make our teddy bear and decide to listen to that until that again hurts us but yeah we can't stand the alone feeling so we keep on having to go back to having something as our teddy bear even if that something keeps on hurting because we don't have anything else.........?

she wanted to scream and cry but no one would hear. there was no one around. what good would that do? she did it anyway. it was the helplessness of everything. or so it felt that way. but did it have to be? did she have to be on a desolate beach with miles and miles of the PILE OF STUFF DONE WRONG, the past nowhere to be seen? Did she have to be there? She was still. ... ... .. ... No. No she didn't. I don't have to be here, she thought. I DON'T HAVE TO BE HERE!! I DON'T HAVE TO BE HERE! She shouted louder and louder to no one. She got quiet again. She was still on the beach alone. Okay well if I am not here, where? And how? She saw beach to her left, she saw beach to her right, she saw ocean in front of her, sand behind her. Where will I go? What will I do? She was confused. She didn't have any answers. She didn't know what led to where. There weren't any maps. There weren't any signs. There was no phone, no internet, no cars. Where ever she went, she would have to walk. And slowly too. She didn't a clue which direction. Well the left looks the same as the right, they are just opposites. Well, how did I get here? How did I get to this beach? She had forgotten. The past had sailed already. The past may have had some answers. She looked at her body for answers there, a clue, a mark, anything. But there wasn't. There was just sand. She looked at the ground. There were no footsteps either. She looked for a shadow but there too was none. She noticed she wasn't hungry. Or she didn't think she was. Her mouth had sand in it.

the past started to go into the ocean. it got further from the dock. she watched. it went. on and on. further it went. it went more and more. it started to go so fast she couldn't keep up. it was getting smaller and smaller. she felt like she couldn't see it anymore. it was gone. she sat down in the sand. she didn't know what to think. she wanted to blame herself. she wanted to say - look at everything i did wrong - look at it - look at this huge PILE OF STUFF DONE WRONG - the pile went on for miles and miles. She saw the pile there in the dunes all over it, all in it, buried deep in it too. I did all of these things wrong here. Look at this pile. Look at this. The past was gone. It had sailed away. The pile of stuff done wrong, for it was in and made of the dunes, it would slowly blow away too. it may take a really long time - but it will. with each gust of wind, a particle of stuff done wrong would get picked up and carried in the air and deposited somewhere else. Somewhere for a new home with a new adventure ahead. She put her head down in the sand and looked up at the sky. There were clouds there. She felt so confused. The sky went on and on and on. Everything seemed to go on and on and on - the ocean, the beach, the sand dunes, the sky. But the past - that was gone. That didn't stay. She looked around and saw that she was the only one on the beach. She was alone. She looked back at the sky and took a deep breath in. Sand blew across her body. She grabbed some with her hand and then let it go. She couldn't hold on to anything. everything would blow away anyway. She closed her eyes. Shut her mouth. And existed.

Why? Why did I let go she asks. Why is the distance between us drifting farther and farther apart? Why did it have to come to this.

Her daughter that she was playing with - they were jumping with the crashing waves on the shore - her daughter is no where to be seen - she is gone. The woman is still sad but she is still standing. She mouths I love you. She doesn't want to cry about it anymore. She wants to be strong. She doesn't want to think about the past. SHe wants to be here in the present - in the now. She wants to be able to hear the waves and if she stays in the past, she won't get to hear them. She wants to watch the birds fly by but again she has to let go. She sees the past. It is at the dock. It is ready to set sail. She sees it and she holds her ground standing where she is. There is the past. It is going to take off. She doesn't know whether to wave goodbye, to turn around and not watch, or just stand there. She feels like she can't move. She feels like stuff is happening but she has no control. She just has to let it happen - to watch it happen. That is her only SAFE OPTION RIGHT NOW.

it is weird. part of me is blowing up like a volcano saying stuff and part of me says noooo don't say anything and stay quiet. I am not sure which is better. Part says - no don't say it because you may regret saying it later. Sometimes it is better to say nothing and wait than it is to say something early and then you can't take back what you said. Like you can GO GO GO GO or you can just WAITTTTTTTTTTt and sometimes WAITTTTTTTTTTing is the better option. Sometimes you have to just duck tape your mouth - keep that mouth shut - don't talk. don't speak. don't let the volcano of words come out. Go back into a dormant state. BLEND IN WITH THE WALLS. Stay silent. Stay quiet. Don't make much noise. Don't disturb. I feel like a person yelling this with the wind blowing and it is really hard to hear but you just have to keep on yelling DONT SAY ANYTHINGGGGGGG Like I am thinking of a woman at the beach and she says no wait- no please don't go - no please just wait right here - please just wait - please don't . And then I am crying but I am not sure what is happening. Just wait. Please please keep on waiting. Please don't make any movements. You need to be safe and this is really your only option. it is not SAFE TO SPEAK right now. You don't know what is going to happen. And the lady at the beach has tears coming down her face and she wants to cry but she knows that no one can see it. She knows she needs to hide and not be seen. I don't even know what is going on but the lady at the beach is still there. She is there and she is still breathing. She says to keep waiting. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE BRINGS just please please be a chameleon please. please don't do anything please. but she is sad because she has lost so much. Her pockets are empty. Tears are still going down her face but no please just wait. Just breathe. Just focus on breathing and focus on the music and time will pass. I PROMISE. Please she says. PLease it is okay. You will be alright. PLease do this for me will you?

I feel like I have to keep my mouth shut. But just keep on listening to this and the time will pass https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsfyb1pStdw

On the one hand, if our intuition is really that great - shouldn't we be better at making decisions??? On the other, maybe we chose to purposefully be really bad at stuff and put ourselves in weird situations because we know we are going to get something out of it...? I guess you go where the potential is.. even if everyone is telling you to go the opposite way. And sometimes we decide yeah you were all right I will use your suggestion and sometimes we decide to keep trying the other way... every outcome will vary. There is something going on that I feel like is not going to work out and this is the part where Loba had said to just not give a **** but again I am not sure how I want to tackle the subject............ Okay well... fun stuff. Pizza.