Dane

I live a pretty disciplined life these days, and increasingly lately, I've found myself having to say no to people around me, some of whom are in a position of authority or whom I actually am friends with otherwise. For example, people will bring me food but I am on a strict eating plan. Or they want to go out to lunch with me at work, but I usually work out during lunch, etc... So I often say no and people sometimes make snarky remarks or comments, showing that they've taken offense to it or maybe they are a bit sensitive. Another good example is I've found myself disagreeing with my boss a lot lately. He highly respects me as a worker and gave me a perfect review with nothing under "needs improvement" last time... But still, he has a much different style than I and although nothing is hostile, I have had a lot of professional disagreements with him lately. My arguments are in the best interest of the company, which I feel is my duty to serve at work. Basically, I've had to say no more lately. Either way, I cannot actually control what others think or feel, but sometimes I find myself being uneasy about this. Do you have any suggestions for improving my internal outlook on this?

First and foremost, I would consider myself to be a creature of habit and discipline. For example, every day I make my bed, make a serious effort to spot-clean my home, and routinely workout - even days when I don't feel like doing it - in order to pursue my long-term goals of living a quality life. I'm in a relationship with an awesome woman who I am very thankful to have found. She's made it clear that she feels the same way about our relationship too, which is exciting. We've been dating for about 6 months now, so still getting accustomed to each other and just being in a "good" relationship in general honestly. I work full time and she works part time and is going back to school to pursue her second degree - so our time together is limited. It's not too limited, we do get usually get one mid-week night plus a weekend night and day. So for example, we may hang out Thursday night, friday night, and Saturday. Etc... I've found that we tend to habitually do the same things mostly because there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of variety on what adults do day-to-day. We go to the same restaurants to eat, which is actually a good thing because we know restaurants which are consistently good and also have healthy options to meet our fitness goals, etc... We also often go play pool at the same spots, or play games at home, etc... As a creature of habit, much of this is good and I do believe in strong foundations. However, sometimes I feel like I don't want to just be locked into the same routine over and over as that may get old or create a false sense of staleness in the relationship. We do occasionally do other things, such we recently attended a yacht party, went to a concert, attended a birthday party, etc... But These things probably happened 5 or 6 times over the course of 6 months. One thing I think is worth mentioning is that many of my adult friends have moved away, gotten tied up with things, and others I have distanced from for lifestyle reasons. This means that I get invited to less outings and activities than before. SHe is in a similar boat where she moved back to this area from a 10 year hiatus and frankly doesn't have any local friends. Do you have any tips for "mixing it up?" Does it sound like we need to mix it up that much? It's hard to tell because on one hand, I have this feeling of wanting to try other things, but on the other hand, our time is in fact limited and many options don't actually exist in the evenings we have together. Generally speaking though, I find that there isn't much most adults do other than drink alcohol, eat, go on walks, and work out. Do you have any other ideas I may not be thinking of that are relatively easy to implement into a busy schedule? Luckily, her and I do have great talks so neither of us ever end the nights disappointed, but I like to try and keep things as interesting as possible. Thanks.

@arlin I've also had this issue a lot. I think there are a few key points to realize... Overthinkers can rejoice in the fact that they benefit from generally higher intelligence than average folks. Meaning that us overthinkers have a huge downside which is overthinking... But we have an advantage in that, we generally are smarter people. Many people do not have the ability to overthink at all. So consider that a benefit rather than a detriment. Realize that despite what I said above, you never HAVE to overthink... You actually CHOOSE to. You can control it. Realize that OVERTHINKING IS EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE AND BAD. It is like cancer - most people do not think about it in their day-to-day life but it is extremely destructive. Overthinking crushes dreams, stops positive action, causes suicides, makes people worse at their jobs, causes family distress and breakups, leads to jealous, hatred, and unrealistic conspiracies, etc... It is literally the root of all evil. Now... YOU MUST PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO EVERYTHING BELOW... Stopping overthinking is simple. In fact, it's the easiest thing you'll ever do in your life. IN fact, it is so simple, that's why it's seemingly impossible. The key is this - Your arms are tools for lifting and feeling. Your legs are tools for walking, running, lifting, etc.... Every body part you have is a tool for some tasks... You do not use your legs to score high on a math test. You don't use your index finger to press the gas pedal of your car. The brain is a body part just like every other... It is TOOL. Just as you do not use your leg for everything, you must also not use your brain for everything. Your brain is not you... It's a TOOL in your toolbox. Right now, you are living thinking that you are your brain. This is false. Now that you know this, stopping overthinking is as simple as a few things: A) Obsserve your thoughts... Start writing them in a journal... Watch them... See how many go through your head. What are they saying? What are they about? B) Realize that because you are writing your thoughts, you ARE NOT your thoughts... They are separate from you. C) Now, begin to focus on your surroundings... You can stop thinking by shifting your focus out of your mind and onto a flower, or a sign, or a tree, or a pencil, etc... You can literally just shift your focus away from your mind. Various techniques work better for others. For example, focusing on breathing works for many people. But before you do any of that, I also recommend you watch this video. It is the best video that will stop you from thinking: The most important thing you must realize is that stopping overthinking is as simple as stopping thinking... That's it. But there is a paradox because the thinking mind wants to know "how" to stop thinking. It wants to know "why" it should... Etc... "How" "why" and even "to understand" are all THINKING CONSTRUCTS.... Meaning that by asking these questions, the mind is trying to think its way out of stopping thinking. It cannot do this... It ends up in a vicious endless loop of thinking. THERE IS NO WHY, THERE IS NO HOW... There are no instructions to stop thinking other than you just shift your focus elsewhere and stop thinking... But there are a few tricks which can help people as I mentioned above. But it's literaly that simple. The biggest problem that arises is that you have to think again at work or school and then your mind grabs hold of you again and you begin to forget that you have control over you, then you get stuck in a cycle of thinking again. It takes a while to gain enough control to promptly cut off your mind but it can be done... I do it daily. I'll catch myself worrying about something and I'll say "OOP DANE, YOURE OVERTHINKING AGAIN" and I just completely drop the thought.

I have A LOT of personal experience in this area as I've dated both extremely attractive women as my girlfriend and average looking women. Additionally, I have a unique viewpoint on this that I think you may enjoy. First and foremost, I want to address your original question - "How important is attractiveness for men in a relationship?" I noted that you did not say physical attractiveness. Either way, attractiveness is very important in a relationship. Let's face it, if your girlfriend was more attractive to you, you wouldn't even be here in the first place! There are several schools of thought on this and I'm going to use some comparisons to help you explore them: 1. You're a dick... Actually, you should not be so shallow, you should appreciate the girl you have for who she is, you like her personality, etc... 2. You're being a pussy, dump the girl immediately because you aren't attracted to her and in fact, you are living in denial. In reality, you are not happy with her and you are consulting random people on the Internet for validation to leave her. Over many years and relationships, I've discovered that the right woman for me must possess many traits. I feel that men get themselves into these types of sitautions because they simply are not being picky enough. They fear that they won't ever find the right woman so they make sacrifices... These sacrifices come in all forms... A) Looks B) Moral (she lies, cheats, etc...) C) Intelligence (shes hot but makes ridiculous huge mistakes every week) D) Baggage (shes a lot to put up with and comes with a huge situation) E) Hardworking - Often sacrificed as "men are supposed to be the breadwinner" The reality is, you DO NOT need to make ANY of these sacrifices. There are women out there who are HOT and SMART and LOYAL and FRIENDLY and very driven towards their careers, etc... The above info took me YEARS of trial and error to figure out. I would get a very hot girl, be banging her brains out, but she would be putting my life into peril. Then, I'd get a less hot girl and be completely bored and know that I wouldn't be marrying her. So the answer here is, YES ATTRACTIVENESS AND LOOKS ARE PART OF THE PACKAGE. You screwed up... You should NEVER start a serious relationship with a woman that you don't find to be stunningly attractive. Let me say that again: You should NEVER start a relationship with a woman that you don't find to be stunningly attractive. Why not? Well first of all, trust your body... There's a reason why we all have what we consider to be beautiful and while we may have siminlar interests, we have unique attractions... RESPECT THOSE! RESPECT YOUR BODY. It's basically the same reason you follow your gut instinct. Your gut is what tells you if a girl is hot or not to you... Trust it. Now, that's not good enough because there are a lot of hot girls that you don't belong with... So the stunning beauty is the BASELINE for which you then look for other traits ON TOP OF. You don't settle for women you aren't attracted to, then hope it gets better. It doesn't. Second part of this lesson is that looks represent other traits and this is something that I've found very few other guys are able to perceive like I am. Yes, I value looks. However, it's not really the looks I value... It's the effort. Most people can look pretty good. The reality is, many people don't look so good because they don't spend much effort. Going to the gym, spending $6,000 on orthodontics, going out of your way to find out what style suits you, making your bed, cleaning your place, organizing your car, etc... These things all require EFFORT and to me when I see a woman who throws on some rags and doensn't keep herself up, THAT BEHAVIOR is unattractive... The looks are a side-effect. As another example, I go to the gym and seem to be more disciplined than most around me, especially when it comes to diet. Now, I DO NOT DO THIS FOR LOOKS AT ALL. However, I get tons of compliments from women and men, moreso than I ever did earlier in my life, about my looks as a SIDE EFFECT of how I live my life. I actually do this stuff because it makes me feel good and I like to spend effort on myself... But the looks are a side effect of that. So there's no reason I would want to be with a woman who doesn't take care of herself. We simply do not get along. They want to eat junk food, I don't. They want to sit around the house, I want to go be active. They expect me to go eat huge dinners with their family, and that's not in my lifestyle... Etc... This is all real-world advice from my own experiences with women. Hope it helped.

I love challenging myself every day. I enjoy always growing as a man. These challenges often are seen in the form of physical exercise, emotional control, dietary discipline, being a good partner (or when single, getting out there and meeting women), and keeping my place clean and organized. Thus far, my life has clearly shown me that doing these things is rewarding not just mentally, but physically and financially as well. However, I sometimes have a difficult time finding a balance. The very drive that causes me to get out there and really up the ante every day also has me sometimes not appreciating what I have, constantly striving for more. Basically, I feel that I need to continue that momentum in order to continue to get better and better. As David Goggins says, I am discovering that I am capable of more and more. However, I've noticed that at some level, pride in what you've accomplished is equally as important to keep you going and if the drive turns into negative talk, that can actually STOP progress. By the same token, I know that it's important to appreciate what I already have and realize that in this state right now, I am already enough. Even trickier is being able to do that without then losing my drive. In other words, I feel that by striving for more I continue to improve myself and my life, but by striving for more I also feel never satisfied and sometimes I find that I bash myself if for whatever reason on some given day I do NOT reach my goals due to unforseen circumstances, or just that I feel that I need a rest. This is also evident in folks around me. The vast vast vast majority of guys are either way too hard on themselves which causes a lot of problems... Or they're overconfident and don't deliver and end up not accomplishing much, which also causes problems. I strive to be somewhere in the middle. Any tips here? Also, do you agree with our buddy David Goggins that balance is for the mediocre?