Matys

How can I know how to act when it seems like I never had a choice in who I was going to be?

For a quick summary of myself, I've come across the path of "waking up" unintentionally without a real interest in spirit. I let it take away almost everything just because where I've been headed with it seems to be in line with my "highest good," I'm already too tired to fight and only the superficial has really fallen away. Have had many vivid dreams, short periods of clarity/realization, synchronicities, etc.. I mostly try to make light of so I don't get too muddled about the metaphysical implications. That said, I suppose if I'm being honest it's not like I don't have a degree of proof of where I'm headed if I'm willing to accept it. But it occurred to me that if my pain was always going to lead me back to my true self, I never really had a choice to be anything besides myself to begin with? I'm not ignorant enough to believe I know better than the universe, but when I ask myself honestly I'm deeply angry that I was led to believe a lie only so that it could be taken away anyways. Right now it feels like the only thing I haven't given up to it is my pride, because I don't know I can accept my only role being to watch my character play itself out upon relinquishing the illusion of control. I'm not so bitter that I don't see the truth that I'm pitting my stubbornness against god and there's zero chance I can win, but I was wondering if any of you people could clue me to a perspective I don't see that might afford me to surrender or unify in grace over the sanity shaking battle of attrition it has become. Frankly I feel like I have a foot in both worlds and stable ground in neither, no one in my life who can help me, and very much like I just threw down an inflatable dollar store anchor as I was about to go over a waterfall. TLDR: It's just difficult to give myself entirely to something when it feels like the illusion of everything you are and have accomplished in life is built up to be taken away. Why the all the pain and uncertainty? Just to show me what isn't myself? How can I trust something I give nearly everything that still won't let me know in any solid sense who I'm going to be on the other side when I let go? How can I be alright that I'm determined and really accept that? How can I willingly give myself to it for any other reason than that it's inevitable? Is there any other reason that won't just be me tiring out? The only part I haven't given up is the part that is famously stubborn and enjoys not giving in, it's just I always thought it was something I enjoyed about myself and did good with. I just don't see how something ultimately loving insists on me being so blind, or it insisting on having me without giving a clear reason to trust it. I know it amounts to a childish tantrum but it just feels unfair. That's about it, thanks a lot for reading and I deeply appreciate any insight or views you guys can give me. I'm a bit shaken by this right now so I'm glad I found a place I can vent a bit. Cheers.