Mason Riggle

@ertopolice perhaps.. ask him. What have you got to lose?

There are no hard and fast rules that apply to every situation. You want a be with a hyper masculine guy who's going to take the lead, do that. If you want to take the lead, and make plans, initiate encounters, etc. with a guy who doesn't mind you taking that role, then do that. Do women generally prefer that the guy takes the lead? Seems that way. But is this ALWAYS the case? Not at all. Some women are gay, and don't even like men. Some women don't want a partner at all. Some women want to have relationships with several men at once.

@eaaaeaeae I'm not sure how 'don't get into relationships' is useful advice for someone already in a relationship. Money comes, money goes. I've had it all, lost it all, and got it all back.. I'm not afraid of divorce. It's great, actually. I'm glad it's an option for me. As I said, I have a good lawyer, and I know my rights. You act as if I'm the only one in my relationship who worked for what I have. She deserves half of what we both worked to build, even if I'm 'the victim'. But I don't see myself as a victim, at least not a victim of 'her behavior'.. I can only be taken advantage of to the degree I allow it. What am I a victim of? My own inability to create and maintain safe boundaries for myself? At least I can work on that. And sure, hormones go on that list as well. I'll travel back in time now and keep my hormones in check.

@Preety_India I'm not. I think there's chivalry and fake chivalry.

@Vzdoh absolutely. I'll gladly treat my date. I'll offer the burger and fries before she asks. I think the OP was referring specifically to situations where the girl asks for or expects 'treats and favors'. Open your own door, but if I pay attention to your actual needs and desires and fulfill those, I don't need fake chivalry, and you won't have to ask for treats. I expect the same in return. If I'm not fulfilled, it's my choice to leave, and I don't owe any other explanations. I offer you the same understanding. I won't ask you for shit. But I will appreciate what you offer.

@ertopolice sometimes it's a bit of a game of cat and mouse.. See what happens if you stop messaging him. If he's interested, this will drive him nuts and he'll message you. If you don't hear from him, he's not interested. Don't sweat it. There's thousands of fish in the sea. OR.. message him when you have something interesting to say. Keep things friendly, and who knows, over time, if it's right, it will turn into something more, if not, it won't, and in the meantime you can remain open to other possibilities.

When I was like 19, I met a girl at my work and we quickly became close friends (I had just moved to a different state, and didn't really know anyone, and she was the first one who befriended me), but I didn't really find her attractive. Her nose was too blunt, or round or whatever.. she had some extra pounds and I'd always been attracted to thinner girls, she didn't really dress in way I found attractive,.. but over time, as we got closer and closer, I began to find myself becoming more and more attracted to her physically. After several weeks (I really don't recall the exact time frame), we started a romantic relationship, and I would say that I 'fell in love with her', and after a few months of being together, she appeared to me as the most beautiful woman I'd ever met.. I was so attracted to her, and found beauty in all of her curves, and blemishes, and uniqueness, etc.. (I still find her super attractive to this day, even though we went our separate ways and have separate lives, we remain friends.) I guess my point is.. don't let a lack of physical attraction prevent you from pursuing a relationship with someone you connect with on an emotional and intellectual level. You'd be amazed at how true the saying 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' actually is.

Instead of saying 'no', perhaps you could have used it as an opportunity to be flirty.. 'fine, I'll get you a burger, but you're gonna owe me *wink wink* (you have to do in a joking, non creepy way.. like you don't actually expect anything in return, but you're letting her know you see what she's doing, and you can do it too)..

@Vzdoh good thing I'm not trying to date you. I don't enjoy spending time with such materialistic people. You don't know what my situation was at the time, or what other value I might bring to the table.

@Vzdoh meh, my S/O makes more money than I do. When we first started dating I couldn't afford gas money to get to work. She helped me get back on my feet. I couldn't pay for her dinner if I wanted to.... So.. how did that happen?

Not everything in life is about money.. but don't worry, I have a good lawyer and I know my rights. I walked away from my first 'toxic relationship' with everything.. the house, the cars, the kids.. and didn't pay a dime to her for Alimony or Child Support. Excitement, Love, Adventure, Naivety, Attraction, Loneliness, Poor Judgement. a whole host of reasons, I suppose. Hindsight is 20/20

@Vzdoh yes, I'm often surprised by this. I think the important thing to recognize was her responsiveness to my 'non-neediness'. By asking her to by ME drinks, it showed that I really didn't care if she said yes or not.. what kind of guy asks a beautiful girl to buy them drinks? A guy who doesn't want that girl.. that's who... which counterintuitively, sparked her interest. I 'landed' my ex-wife with the pickup line, 'do you have any friends who look as good as you do?' Kind of a sneaky back handed compliment.. I think you're hot, but I want to date your friends, not you.. she was in my bed by midnight. So, I guess my point, as it pertains to the OP is.. the 'asking for favors' is a 'test' to judge your neediness. It's a great opportunity to show a little backbone. And sometimes, girls are just grimy and use guys to get stuff they want. Watch out for this too. I used to have a female 'wingman' who would get us free drinks all night long.. it was a game to her. Her to random guy at bar- 'Hey, wanna do shots with us?' random guy- 'yeah let's do it!' Her - 'okay, order them up.' random guy with slightly confused look on his face, but unwilling to come off as 'not generous' - 'bartender, 3 shots over here please.'...

You lose your breath when you try to hold it.

You would think... but this stuff can be very counter-intuitive. I recall a time I had met a girl who, by outward appearance, was 'way out of my league', but we had some obvious chemistry so I thought I'd shoot my shot because, why not.. but I decided to try something I normally wouldn't do, and I invited her out to buy ME drinks. To my surprise, it worked like a charm.

@Roy yeah, I think we all get that. This isn't Leo bashing. He does present his views on dating/pick up as an Authority here, and in his Actualized videos on the subject, and so I don't see a problem with this type of critique. It's a little awkward to do it here, since it's his forum, but it wouldn't seem so controversial if this same thread appeared on some other forum, or if Leo wasn't the subject in question. It's a worthwhile topic. Of course we value Leo's views and insights or none of us would be here.

@Preety_India I don't think you're super far off base with your assessment. His dating advice seems aimed at short term hookups rather than finding fulfilling long term relationships. I've had plenty of casual sex, two week flings, months long relationships, years long relationships, and his advice seems to lack nuance and he paints with very broad stokes. I've had 'success' with many different strategies, and with no strategy.. sometimes you just get lucky. If all you're trying to do is get laid, a prostitute is like a sure fire bet, but 'just hire a hooker' is horrible dating advice.

@Nahm excellent advice.

@mememe I'm sure it played a role. Relapse rates have skyrocketed since Covid

@ivankiss thanks for the support! And I appreciate @Nahms words as well. I've left a very similar relationship before. I know that's always an option for me. Circumstances are different this time, however. My S/O is a *recovering* addict, and she was sober for the first 6 years of our relationship, but she relapsed and the past year as been a living nightmare.

@ivankiss I'm currently in the position you were in. It seems impossible.

@Gabith for me (the organism named Mason Riggle), the notion of a 'thinker' in addition to what my organism is always already doing (thinking, breathing, growing, digesting, etc) is easily dispelled by remembering, and accepting, that no matter what I do, it's always just more 'me being me', which my organism does automatically. I couldn't 'not be like myself' if I tried, because that's just more 'me being like myself'. Notions of 'guilt', 'shame', 'forgiveness', all imply a 'doer' on top of 'what's happening', and this 'doer' doesn't exist. You don't feel the urge to forgive a volcano for spewing lava on the neighboring village, because you know the volcano is just being a volcano, without any 'locus of attention' called 'volcano' inside the volcano somewhere controlling how it is itself.. who exactly would you forgive??.. the volcano just is itself.. and so are you, and so am I.

Can't have up without down.. You want just the inside of a cup with no outside of a cup, but that's not how reality works.

@Thought Art recognize that the 'bubbles' are not as separate as you might imagine. When I say to you, 'don't think of a pink elephant', I am shaping your bubble... your bubble is shaped by 'everything which is not your bubble'. In this way you might recognize how everything is interdependent on everything else (it's all one system).. there is no 'separation'. Where is the triangle? If the triangle in this picture could talk.. it might say, 'I am not separate from that which is not me, in fact, if what I am is what is not me, I must be all of it.'