Ulax

Another 6 hours of mahasi flow put in today.

Clocked in 6 hours of mahasi flow meditation. Did 4 sets of 3x30 mins. I throw in a bit of conscious mental rest (CMR) meditation every now and again too. Its a non directive type of meditation. Man, I'm so fucking grateful I finally found a meditation technique that works for me and I can go hardcore with. Its taken 8 years of searching. The past few years have been like a war. I told myself I would just practically lock myself in my room until I figured out what the fuck was going on, and until I solve it. And it seems that journey is bearing fruits. The funny thing is to most it will just seem like someone who was very lazy finally got there act together. But hey, if you know, you know.

Have been putting the hours into meditation. Still the mahasi flow technique. Am doing hours per day. Unstructured atm, in that i don't plan it out. I'm going to play with doing two 3x1 hour meditations per day going forward too.

So, it seems i'm finally in a new chapter of my life. After a very fucked up one. The ssri has worked a miracle on me. Coincidentally, my meditation practice finally clicked. And I've ramped up to doing 4.5 hours per day of it. I've been expermenting daily with meditation techniques for days, and I finally got it. Essentially, I've created a new technique via combing the mahasi noting technique with shinzen young's noting gone technique. Essentially, what I do is I do watching the breath in the abdomen and labelling rising-falling. Then as soon as an inner experience come to awareness I label 10 gones on that inner experience. Then return to the abdomen labelling. I call it 'mahasi gone'. A lot of shadow stuff has been coming up, and i've been having some ego backlash. Like I've found myself taking out revenge via online trolling on a old teacher who used to harass me at school on twitter. The ssri definitely helps with the practice. I've stopped doing the acupuncture and the osteopathy as of late. Mainly because the practioners kept pissing me off, giving me unsolicited advice, or being patronizing. Also, I had time to get some feedback from the techniques and I think I'm best placed to look elsewhere for the time being. I've finally found my 'unicorn' therapist too. In the cptsd community, people use this term to refer to basically a very good cptsd therapist. Which i've found to be surprisingly rare. Also, i think the combo of the antidepressant and the therapist are useful too. The therapist specializes in dissociative disorders and cptsd. They are an integrative therapist and use mainly a combination of sensorimotor therapy, IFS therapy and somatic experiencing. Although i've had numerous hardships I can't help but feel guilty at the same time. I've been very privelleged to have a lot of financial support and to live in a first world country with a welfare programme. Some of the shit i've seen on forums is so harrowing. Like you have women with severe cptsd in fucking iraq who are dirt poor. Or having cptsd and being homeless.. How the fuck they are going to get out of that situation i have no idea. Before therapy pickup was like an obsession of mine, I guess stage orange v green transition. And I felt like a bit of a dumbass for putting so much emphasis on it instead of therapy for a while. But I dunno, if I hadn't gone through that period I don't think I would have ever cultivated the skills of taking the world as it is. I have this sort of mantra 'there's the way the world is and the way you want it to be'. And, I think that has helped me get to where i am. Because fuck man being bedridden by mental illness for years, and everyone criticizing you is fucked. You open up to people and they fucking laugh in your face. Its insane. I dunno man, its just fucked up.

@PurpleTree To my knowledge, yes. I know Kenneth folk, a prominent insight meditation instructor, did a lot of practice whilst on an antidepressant. He stopped when his practice got good enough for him not to need the ssri anymore.

25.5 Edit: Apologies for the trolling

I can relate to some of your attitudes. I'd recommend incorporating some mindfulness meditation, and some depth psychotherapy, i.e. IFS therapy. If things get more severe on the depression front, can consider taking an antidepressant alongside the psychotherapy/ meditation.

I'd say mental illness can make you miss out on life

Seems weird to me you'd be given an antipsychotic for lack of motivation/ anxiety. Maybe sertraline would be a better psychiatric drug to try first.

@StarStruck Dude you acting like the slain girls were twerking naked on top of the border fence ?

Hmmm I'd be curious to hear his answers to the following: 1) What he thinks of IFS therapy? 2) What that mouth do?

Not sure mate

@Jannes i have used 'focus me' in the past. You can block specific websites and the app has uninstall protection

Man this is so brutal. I watched some of the footage, and its just brutal slaughtering of civilians in their homes.

@TheAlchemist I'd class that as being a restorative justice approach. I see a lot of value in the approach. However, when a perpetrator has committed a serious crime on the victim then I think the approach is found lacking. For example, in the case of a rape I don't think a restorative justice approach is useful. I would see the offence as being too severe to be rectified in any meaningful way by facilitating a restorative space. In that circumstance I would like to see a sentencing based on a mix of retributive justice and rehabilitation.

@Tobia My issue is that victims have a need for justice to be served, which I'd argue generally means seeing punishment of the perpetrator. If that need isn't met, then the victim suffers, or the victim will take it upon themselves to find justice. If either of these occur there are negative consequences for society.

@Scholar I would be because penalising them would still have the benefit of meeting the public's and victim's need for justice. One of my criticisms of rehabilitation is that i don't think it takes enough consideration of the victim's need for justice.

Finally started taking the antidepressant 'Sertraline'. The effect is so dramatic for me. Thank god. Truly thank god. Every minute of each day was suffering with DP/DR and accompanying severe depression. Fuck that. ------- Got the osteopath tomorrow and Acupuncture soon too

Dang

Leo is on nofap retreat

Here are some recommendations from me, re films I see as being red: - Come and See (1985) - Irreversible (2002) - Salo - Lilya 4-ever - The House That Jack Built - A Serbian Film - Scum (1977) - Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer - Nil by Mouth - Funny Games (2007) - Ghostland (2018) - Threads (1984) - Nitram I did a film watch project on stage red movies a while back myself, and watched most of these in that.

Given the prevalence of bullying and repeated school shootings I think homeschooling should be an option. Being homeschooled beats getting capped in the head, by your classmate, every time, imo.

Ye I second Raze's advice dude

You got this bro, imo. My recommendation would be to set more goals. It appears to me you currently have two metrics by which you judge your results. One: Getting laid. Two: Level of anxiety. You could add in many more micro goals, such as just working on approaching. Or just working on holding eye contact. Or holding conversations for longer periods. That way you are going to win a lot more imo, and therefore build momentum. Effective goal setting is a really important part of progressing skills in any domain imo.

Dude, you gotta humble yourself imo.