Vinsanity

Understanding this feeling of Guilt (of circumstances) This feeling feels low and sad. From my head to my shoulders to my chest. Whenever I decide to make a decision for myself, I notice the backdrop is sometimes this little voice reminding me how lucky I am, how privileged I am, and how I do not deserve that opportunity. Growing up I was fortunate enough to live in a household that was well off. We weren't rich rich by any means, but we were definitely doing well. However, my parents made sure to not raise us "snobby." Besides the constant stories of my parents' immigrant experience and the incredible hardships they had to endure to be where they are at today (it was insane), I was also programmed up by typical immigrant morals like "do not waste your food" "think of the people who do not have this." However, the thing that most impacted this perspective was my direct experiences as a child. What ended up happening was that because we were not rich rich enough to afford things like nannies/tutors, my mother would sign us up for the free programs like the salvation army or tutoring meant for section 8 students. The people who became my friends were the kids from these areas and the people who took care of me became people from these areas as well. And honestly, I am incredibly grateful for this experience as I would not have been able to truly appreciate my circumstance in life right now without the contrast of my environment back then. So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel that whenever I make a decision for myself out of passion, freedom, etc. that I feel this guilt? Whenever I make a decision that sacrifices money, stability, opportunity for "more" I have this feeling-thought similar to the image of a woman, red in face, yelling at me for making such a naiive move as she is grasping her starving child. The hurt and sadness that I feel. I feel so guilty. I feel this weight, as if every decision I make - it better be fucking good, I better work like someone who just escaped war to come here. Every decision I make against money and stability - I feel guilty. I crumble at the thought that I am being a naïve privileged kid chasing his lofty ideas, unaware of the suffering and hardship of the world. That there are real problems out there like murder, starvation, fear of life. But that is not me. That image was an old idea that I held of certain people. I was afraid to become that person. But that is not me. What I am doing now is not being whimsical. I am activating the abundance of choice and freedom that was always inherent in me as a human being. Choosing to do what I want because I want to. Picking things out because I like/dislike them. I am not forgetting the people, I am choosing to move forward with my life and I am amazingly proud of that. I am proud that I am able to do what my parents dreamed that they were able to do for themselves and their offspring. to NOT be tied down by circumstance. To not be in a warzone or be held down by a unstable, corrupt government. They sacrificed so much to allow me to be here and have the circumstances to choose my life. I want the lady with the red face to know, that I truly give my heart to you. I understand why you would be mad at your circumstances embracing your child, but please, do not be mad at me. I have done nothing wrong. I did not cause you harm. My choices and actions do not directly affect you. How is choosing not to become a Physician Assistant impacting you lady in the red? I am just an innocent child as well. Even so, I realized after processing my thoughts in this post, I will never be truly satisfied until I come back for you guys, I swear. I truly wish you well lady in red, I can only hope you wish me well, and one day I want our paths to cross again where I can help relief you of your redness. *So many tears shed in this post, written right after an emotional youtube video that hit the spot. The release of guilt is realizing you were never part of it. You were never the reason. You were innocent. ---------------- Separate thought thread that arose but deserves its own section I beat myself up for being lazy sometimes, for not having the best work ethic (I am not like kobe, I am not like an immigrant worker), for finding shortcuts. But the thing is. These things are all natural. Especially on my journey of discovering myself and my passion, It is natural to feel reluctant and resistant when I am doing something I hate. That is a wonderful indication that if something keeps on making me feel that way, that maybe it isn't for me. Even if it doesn't have a justifiable reason like that, do I just shame myself to eternity? Am I not allowed, as a regular human being, to hold space for laziness sometimes? Must I always be an immigrant workhorse having to work with the discipline of providing for his family? Every time I act lazy or don't work as hard as a kid from the streets trying to make it - I feel guilty.

Understanding the feeling of Cringe The feeling of cringe. What is it? the realization of cringe coming. The heart racing. The twinge in the temples. The gripping of the chest. These are the bodily sensations of cringe. Looking back at my life it's amazing really, how this feeling and the meanings I gave it, roots its way into multiple areas of my life. Socializing, being vulnerable with my emotions, creation and creativity, it has found a way into all of these parts. The interesting part is the actors in this dynamic isn't only coming from the fear of being judged/laughed at by other outside people. It was also the fear of being judged/laughed at by sometimes my past self or sometimes my future self. There are moments when I am able to calm down, detach from my thoughts and see this. When I imagine myself writing about my feelings and attempting to be poetic I cringe at the idea of sounding like one of those fake deep posts. Or when I attempt to talk to others about my beliefs and values in self-improvement, authenticity, and self-care I cringe at the idea of sounding like one of those lofty internet gurus or those privileged kids who make up their own problems. The thing is. Being cringe-y is a byproduct of the most crucial part of anything worthwhile, the fumbley and inexperienced beginnings. In the sense that whether it is expressing your emotions for the first time, trying to speak passionately for the first time, trying to immerse yourself into a culture for the first time (workout culture, networking culture, etc.) there is a period where you will act a certain way. ---- Ah man, I don't know why but writing this entry was especially hard. Definitely did not complete my train of thought. I came in with a certain direction that I felt, if I continued will hit a golden nugget into my understanding of all this. But as I continued to contemplate, questions came up that took away my attention and when I reactively followed those trains of thought I forgot about my original direction. This led to my thinking going all over the place, many paragraphs were deleted here. Oh well, hopefully these posts/articles that sparked up this idea could spark something more articulate in the future. https://www.reddit.com/r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide/comments/le6aa0/not_doing_stuff_because_im_scared_my_future_self/ https://www.reddit.com/r/productivity/comments/lwoxfx/unconventional_productivity_tips_found_on_reddit/ https://writingcooperative.com/dont-let-the-cringe-hold-you-back-92070e3b3e5f https://coppellstudentmedia.com/86523/opinions/cringe-culture-inspires-fear-not-comedy/

Letter to my 30 year old self - in the form of writing to an older brother Dear 30 year old me, Hope you are doing well. It's been a while since you last saw me so I wanted to just let you know that at this very moment, I am doing just fine haha. Currently writing from my dope at home set-up because, yes, we are still in a pandemic over here. As for me I have made a bit of a transition. The magnitude of it really hasn't settled in yet. Just a couple months ago, I was on the path to becoming a physician assistant. Who would have known that now, a couple months later, I have ditched that 3 year effort and am last minute scrambling to sort myself out. I was so sure of it, and I don't know what happened honestly. Maybe it was the impending deadline of senior graduation, Gary Vee's words that motivated me to break out of my limiting shell, or that dread of being trapped as a physician assistant forever. Man, you should have saw me during that transition. I felt so vulnerable, so out of sorts, so lost and wanting to go back to normal. So glad I chose not to. Also, I don't what the hell happened but some of the coolest things occurred after that I don't know if it had any relation to my decision. After watching "Soul", rediscovering classic text like Thoreau, and reading about aesthetics I rediscovered this part of me. This part that appreciates the craftmanship of skillful writing, the just chef's kiss of purposeful home lighting decor, and the emotions of film and music. In other words, the part of me that appreciates the arts. Along with that, I also hopped on some youtube videos about passive incomes and it invoked in me this sense of creation and wanting to create. Everything seemed possible in those videos and honestly, it was the marrying of these two concepts that came to me last night that inspired me to start writing creatively. It's so funny. I even brought up my parent's old ESL language books in hopes of improving my writing. Masterful writing is genuinely so beautiful. There is something about it that feels right. But yeah that's where I am at during this moment. Super cool of me to start off a letter talking all about myself huh, but that's the level of skill I am at right now so deal with it ; ) So...You are 30 years old. I wonder what you are up too. Are you an intermediate PUA artist after finally gathering up the courage to put in the work? Have you moved out yet? Have you picked up any of the afterthought hobbies I said you were going to do, like electric guitar or Brazilian jiu-jitsu? Or has life thrown you the fattest curveball and you are completely doing something else. I can relate HAHA. At the end of the day, I just hope that you remember that feeling of adventure. That you still remember the question "Who am I without__" to unhook yourself from the attachments of everyday life. Because its rough man..jeez. I don't blame you for being lulled back to sleep if you do. Just keep remembering and snapping out of it. Remember that feeling of constantly peeling layers, exploring your likes/dislikes, being curious and taking on different perspective. That is the true adventure. That is the adventure that has always been buried deep inside your soul, I know it. Not the sorry ass paved route of looking for what I can be comfortable and chill with, because that is the road that has led you to physician assistant. I also really, really hope you are still meditating. I cannot imagine myself choosing to not meditate in the morning. You are 10 years from now so who knows. But on a more serious note, I also sincerely wish you love wherever you are, and whatever that may mean to you. Seriously. I wish you happiness and joy. I am afraid to write all these things because I don't know what life might be like 10 years from now. Life might be really shitty. But despite it all I just want you to know, at least, through all that bullshit no matter how big or small, 22 year old you is "wishing you health, but more than wealth, I am wishing you love." I will love you no matter what. The outside world is going to be tough and you are going to make some growing mistakes to compensate, I just know it. I just hope you take it lightly and not beat yourself over it. The same way a baby gets back up shamelessly after falling from trying to walk for the first time. The same way a confident jazz player plays over a mistuned note, or in fact adds it in. It was all a part of the plan. Own it! Its funny, I went into this letter thinking I was going to make it heartfelt and super deep. But as I wrote, I started to accept the style that naturally arose. The style that this would be a reminder. A piece of the past to remind you during the adventure into the lost jungle of life. This is where you were when you felt aligned and right. This is what you thought about. What you felt. Do great out there. Cheers, Vincent T '22

Inspired by the CT Postal Company from the Violet Evergarden series. Inspired by the poetic letters of war heroes to their lovers and masterful writings of authors. Inspired by @modmyth for their sincere writing. The reason I am starting this journal is to finally put my expression out there. To be vulnerable and be real to the best of my ability. To work on my articulation of thoughts and feelings to bring clarity to who I am. But at the end of the day, what is most important is simply just writing something and clicking that submit button. Even if it is the most inarticulate, cringy, fake creations I have every produced, who gives a fuck ; ) Topics of inspiration to write about: emotional musings (ex: Imagine what it would be like to write to your child after you have passed, to write to a lover knowing you won't be coming back *watch violet evergarden eps if need inspiration) Emotional letters (ex: letters to your inner child, letters to your complex feelings, letters to people, letters to mom, letters to dad, letters to sister) philosophical letters (ex: Imagine writing to Aristotle, Uncle Iroh - the critical thinking, the questions, the lack of pretense) contemplative tweets (ex: Imagine talking to a child) Talking to a friend, a peer (ex: No formality, just real talk) Inarticulate venting ( in case the OneNote journal wasn't hitting that day haha) Write with your heart. Be creative! Have fun! Create and put out man!

@Seeker_of_truth @Dizzy Thanks I will definitely check them out! @Prabhaker Ah I see. In that case, would you mind listing a few teachers who teach for the physical benefits? I am just hoping to get a good start on yoga because I have never done it before. Thanks!

Hey guys! I was reading Leo's blog about yoga and it caught my interest. Like he said, its important to find a good teacher and not just one that teaches yoga for its physical benefits. Have any suggestions (websites, youtube channels, etc) ? Thanks!

@ajasatya When you mean come back, do you mean like focusing on your breath? And wouldn't that be considered doing something as well?

@eskwire Yeah, that is something that I often forget but is so important. Compassion is for everyone, including myself. Definitely, assertiveness is something that I also strive for as well, being a low self-esteem person for a majority of my life. Now that you mention it, having assertiveness will be like killing two birds with one stone for me haha, in terms of both self-esteem and understanding authentic forgiveness. I think I'm going to start by dusting off the book "six pillars of self-esteem" in my cabinet and start cracking down on the book . And Yep! I gotchu

@eskwire Yeah after thinking a bit about these posts, I guess at the end of the day I would rather be truthful to myself and not fully forgive someone than have the image that I am forgiving someone,yet deep inside I haven't, which leads to passive aggressiveness. Assertiveness huh? Can you go into a little more detail about that? The correlation doesn't seem to click for me haha And ya, sounds like a plan

@eskwire Haha yeah, your post really resonated with what I was thinking so I thought it was directed towards me Just wondering though, how did you deal with your passive aggressiveness back then?

@eskwire Ooops my b. Thought you were someone else that answered my question haha...awk

@eskwire Thanks for the thoughtful response! That's definitely something i am going to keep in mind. I always saw forgiveness as "FULL"forgiveness, I never really saw it as something that could be worked on and maybe even forgotten over time. Also, how do you organize your insights? I'm curious because the way I am doing it right now seems inefficient :p. Thanks again

@Saarah Ok sweet thanks! I appreciate all your help

@Ayla @Flower What I realize is that what I think is forgiveness is actually just me overlooking the person's actions and just saying I forgive you because in my mind that is what a good person would do. But then I end up just being passive aggressive to them. How do I obtain true forgiveness and not this superficial one? Also, along my journey I realize how neurotic I am in my self improvement, and I was wondering if you guys have some good sources or links that would help me out (I've seen all of leo's vids on this subject). Thanks a lot guys. it means a lot

@Martin123 Sweet, thanks bro