Hi all, I'm relatively new to Leo's content and have been on something of an awakening/mindfulness journey for the last few years (although I can trace mini-revelations further back than that).
I recently watched Leo's "What is Reality" video and it really tied together a few ideas/observations I've had for a number of years. However, for someone that doesn't generally suffer from anxiety/panic attacks (well, not for 10+ years) it trigger a series of very disturbing thoughts and revelations. My issue centres around the fact that there is a conscious awareness that is all things and all where...infinitely. I can accept that and I can accept that the consciousness that I 'have' is a sort of probe or line of enquiry of that greater overall consciousness. My true nature is that I'm 'God' experiencing a limited perspective through the eyes of 'splatercash'. I'm (ego me) still okay with that.
This same God is also experiencing life through the eyes of every other person past, present and future and all other life, aliens and possibly even all molecules. Mind blowing stuff, but I'm still okay. My issue is that this consciousness has infinite power and time and therefore can and (reading between the lines of Leo's explanations) is experiencing every possible combination reality for all previously referred to lifeforms/molecules. So while in my current consciousness I just tapped my desk with my left hand (I actually did it) there is another conscious me that is identical in every detail except he tapped with his right hand. This tiny detail is likely to be irrelevant in terms of giving god a new perspective but this is an infinite awareness who desires all perspectives so it's likely it will want to experience trillions upon trillions upon trillions of 'splatercash' lives with every fractional combination of variance between them.
At first, this though didn't bother me but then I lay next to my 3.5 year old son to cuddle him to sleep and became very aware that if my assumptions above are true then there are literally billions of realities where for absolutely no reason at all I harm him. I then thought, "that's okay, I have free will... I choose to cuddle and love him". But then I realised that an infinite being running infinite possible realities to gain infinite perspectives of itself would want to know what it's like to live my exact same life right up until that very "I choose to cuddle and love him" thought and then smash his head open anyway. This was a horrifying realisation and caused me a lot of distress. It felt like no matter what I do/think, in some reality a consciousness and sense of "me" that feels identical to how I feel right now carries out near infinite combinations of what we would label "bad/evil" behaviour for no reason at all other than to gain a new perspective. I lay there frozen with fear that this is the reality where I harm him for no reason. I started to massively question the notion of free will.
Sooooo, today I watched Leo's free will video hoping for an answer that indicates I have some control/choice over the many trillions of atrocious acts I (or anyone) could theoretically carry out in a lifetime. From my understanding of Leo's free will video, things are exactly as dire as they look. We have 0% control and if the infinite realities theory is true then there are many realities where I harm my son in every single interaction with him, most to all of which have no motivation/reason at all other than to satisfy the theory that if it's possible it must happen. Moreover, I have no idea what reality the current "conscious me" is playing out. Is this the one where I walk through to his room right now and strangle him?
I can't cope with this thought. I'd rather kill myself right now to eliminate the possibility but then, of course, there would still be a trillion+ other realities where i didn't kill myself and went on a rampage instead.
Please tell me I'm missing something here. I know that ultimately all of reality is god and he's only interrogating himself therefore I am not real, my son is not real, the world, people and environment isn't real so no real harm can be done. Nevertheless, I feel like a sentient being and can't accept such mindless death/destruction/evil just to gain every possible perspective. I know it's impossible, but I'd want out... to play no part.
