J

Everyday I feel as if I'm waiting for tomorrow to change on its own. I have no will to really do anything productive. I want to change, however this seems like it will be an uphill climb. In writing this I hope to get some sort of response or input as I feel desperate and have been through serious scenarios relating to my state, (Depression/anxiety related.) I will go quite far back to see if I can see were and how I made mistakes in my past. Starting all the way back in maybe 1st or 2nd grade my parents started noticing that I had developed strong emotional troubles, and was rebellious to teachers. In fact, I recall throwing a chair and flipping a quite heavy table at my teacher. I had few friends during this time period. Nobody wanted to talk to me. I was also struggling with reading and problem solving in school. I would be tested on reading constantly as well as my problem solving. Anyways, I was a angry, stubborn, kid throughout all 1-5th grade. I would be in the principals office constantly. Eventually, out of sheer luck I would make a group of friends in the 5th grade. Unfortunately, things turn horrible around this time. I would enter 6th grade and develop an obsession of my academics. I wanted to make straight A's while doing nothing. I was and still am a perfectionist when It comes to my grades, and I haven't really changed. I ended up caring less about my friends, leading to me losing them as I was too busy being anxious about my next report card. Ironically, most people would expect that someone like me would study my ass off every time they'd get home, but in reality all I did during middle school was go sit in my room, alone for hours on end playing video games alone. I never studied outside of school or cared for what I was learning to be honest. In school I was constantly in my school guidance counselor's office stressed, to a hysterical degree. Outside of school my house life was somewhat difficult to. Me being the oldest of a huge family (8 younger siblings) and having a Dad that was an alcoholic/drug addict (nonviolent, but very lazy and depressed). I felt very alone during middle school. Into high school I started off with some of the most anxiety in my life. My twin brother (identical) would be diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. This would be of concern to me as if one twin has the syndrome than there is over a 60% chance that the other has the syndrome as well. Anyways I would graduate Freshman year with a 3.82 gpa (unweighted, no studying) yet feel still empty, having no friends, lack of love for my family, or even purpose. Sophomore year (2016-2017) I would be admitted into an outpatient program relating to my depression. The program did jack shit. The only thing that really helped but was extremely hard for me to do was meditation. It made me do things I would never else do in my daily life. This leads up to today, still in the same rut, with no idea what to do and where to go. I know I sound quite bitchy, but to be honest I need to get trapped emotion out and need help. If you reply you would be helping significantly. Thank You for reading this long post, -J.

Is there any more resources on this topic? I am seeing some correlations with the condition to my current state.

Just something I would like to add about veganism that is vital to understand about veganism. Veganism, if done right, can be miraculous,. It can also be terrible. I was a vegan for a year and it was hell. I had no structure for any nutrition and didn't grow normally for my age the time. On the other hand, my U.S. History teacher has been a vegan for over 4 decades and seems to be living just fine. I may try veganism again in the future with a better nutritional income. Furthermore, many vegans choose veganism based around Morales rather than their own knowledge (I'm not saying that veganism is necessarily bad though.) Its your choice what you eat, but understand yourself and the facts before you make any significant changes. Good luck to any vegans/vegetarians

^True

Yeah. I always thought that If I got a nice car I could travel as much as I wanted and have a fast ride. I thought if I had the best guitar I'd make the best music. And For computers....Rendering and video games were things i'd do with a nice computer. But in reality like most things, I end up losing interest in everything and the pleasure they bring dies off in maybe an hour...

Cars,, houses, musical instruments, , and computers are some i've thought of.

Yeah, not much of a proud materialist here I must be misinterpreting roles. Thanks.

Hello. I'm curious if roles can derive from other roles products. For instance, I adopted the role of a materialist through school and societal conditioning, the product of this role is chasing material items (For me I would say money and leisure goods [I'm extremely orange stage ]). From here the product guides me to adopt another belief such as "If I want money then I NEED exemplary grades to go to a good college and get a great job." This belief gets built upon forming another role (in this case the perfectionist). This can cycle on and on forming several roles which in a way intertwine. On the other hand, I'd also like to understand how some people just "drop" their roles. Do they have some process or do they just drop it one day? I mean something so deeply one identifies as for years can't be just dropped, right??? If they could be just dropped I bet I would be a whole new person today (which would be damn cool) but, in reality, it is seemingly in the horizon as a dream. Thanks for reading

Here's whats been running through my mind lately 'bout college Soon in the near future I will be applying for colleges and I still feel a bit nervous about if i'll choose the right school or follow the right career choice. Right now I'm interested in astronomy and physics and was looking toward studying possibly in those fields, but I need some more in-depth experience besides just thinking about it. I feel confident I can make it into any college i'd like. My first question is if those hyper prestigious or "Ivy League" schools are worth it. I can see some benefits such as more resources, but the cost, oh god. Maybe I should go to a less expensive school as a undergraduate and then switch schools. My second question is, what are your guy's opinion on liberal arts schools, did they help you as a undergrad. Last, is studying abroad necessarily a good idea? I mean it gives you a culture shock (usually) and may help you learn more about yourself. Anyways these were just brief things that were bugging my that in the end i'll have to make my own choices for. Have a good day -J

After reading a bit of the story "The Alchemist" I realized how much I am not taking advantage of. How every blessing I haven't taken is a curse. I see how ultimately people will live their own life through their own cycles 'till death. Unfortunately/Fortunately I feel like one of those people, yet I'm young, All around me I see wasted potential, even in my parents. I fear living like this but I'm trapped. I have such a struggle dealing with the urge to stay in the cycle. How do I deal with this issue? This is the difference for me having a life of modesty or a life extraordinary potential. I need to break my addictions and bad habits, now or never. I want to pursue meditation, mindfulness and more, and I will Oops, just realized this was posted in the wrong section...

Certainly! Yesterday I meditated about five times throughout the day and I'm loving it. Meditation made me more aware of my self-esteem issue and my lack of consciousness throughout daily life.

I'd also somewhat agree with How to be wise's idea of having a secondary business along side your either cooking or music. You'll have to build capital before you peruse something risky as the music business/cooking etc.. After gaining that cash you can then shift your dreams into full gear. Making that push would take strategic thinking and good observations skill. Realize that the market may want something different from what you want to create. Funny enough, I am also considering going to do music (guitarist) or astronomy (in a university or my own private research firm). Note these aren't exactly my life purpose(s), just some ideas I thought up. BTW Darrick, what kind of music do you produce? Just interested... - J

"Hold it now...wait a minute...come on... whew..." Just let me catch my breath... I've heard the promises I've seen the mistakes I've had my fair share of tough breaks I need a new voice, a new law, a new way Take the time, reevaluate It's time to pick up the pieces, Go back to square one I think it's time for a change There is something that I feel To be something that is real I feel the heat within my mind And craft new changes with my eyes Giving freely wandering promises A place with decisions I'll fashion I won't waste another breath [Chorus:] You can feel the waves coming on (It's time to take the time) Let them destroy you or carry you on (It's time to take the time) You're fighting the weight of the world But no one can save you this time Close your eyes You can find all you need in your mind 2. The unbroken spirit Obscured and disquiet Finds clearness this trial demands And at the end of this day sighs an anxious relief For the fortune lies still in his hands If there's a pensive fear, a wasted year A man must learn to cope If his obsession's real, Suppression that he feels must turn to hope Life is no more assuring than love (It's time to take the time) There are no answers from voices above (It's time to take the time) You're fighting the weight of the world And no one can save you this time Close your eyes You can find all that you need in your mind I close my eyes And feel the water rise around me Drown in the beat of time Let my senses fall away I can see much clearer now, I'm blind "Adesso che ho perso la vista, Ci vedo meglio e di piu" 3. This song relates to personal development and has some relations to enlightenment. The song hasn't done much for me honestly (just found out about it today).

Yep...

Outside of me and time, I'd say yeah. Can't really explain it though. I'll be back in a hour, gonna do a meditation for the first time in long over due time.