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Date: 13. Friday 2024 Time: 00:50 Subject: General stuff Well I must say that i'm gladly back to this forum and to my writing sessions in an old journal. I'm just listening to Rach. performance of one of my favorites pieces, it's just truly melacholic in such a way, that I resonate with this piece so much. It's dark but there is a light on the end of the tunnel, just the way I feel like in my life at this moment. I don't know why I like so much writing on this forum, but I guess one thing is that it's the community of people that I appreciate a lot plus it has a lot of cool options for formating while writing, not only options but layout is cool. I will just for sure, tranfer it to my notion in case site get shutdown or something like that. I just remebered the one quote from dr. Wayne Dyer, when his daugther commented to him: Daddy, don't die until there is still music within yourself. (something like that) and just it resonates with me at the moment, because I'm getting through a hardship and while there are voices in my head telling me that I don't need to endure that pain my whole life and I have ways of ending it, there is in me a warrior, a true battle tested warrior that is going to endure what ever life throws at him. It actually is my alter ego, my dark side, the one who can do anything in life, and I call him Grey. It's still better then nameless, and I can not deny it's existance. My inspiration for naming came from the movie Grey and in general, in my life I can not say that I'm the one who represents the light nor darkness, but still i'm the mix of both worlds, I have darkness in me and I have light and many people in my life just see the bright, light side of me, even the closest ones to me. The whole is that I won't just surrender, I have whole eternity for peace and silence in after life, but there on earth, while I'm still breathing I'm going to fight. I'm getting back to the personal development again, I'm getting my life back together even if I don't know how will I do it. But I'll do it. I will rise from the ashes once again, and I will use my dark past as future motivation and of course, especially in making new choices, I will consult with my dark side and my dark past, always. I hate to fucking say it, and even more to have to accept the reality of having dealt this cards in life, but I will manage to overcome my traumas there are in the list below: My biggest flaw and problem in my life is sexuality and I do belive that once I have control and mastery over sexual energy, I will have immense power at my disposal, and life will be much better for me My biggest traumas have root cause in the early childhood and are created by dysfunctional family. I have sister that have hard psychological issues her whole life, plus I have dad that was so unfair to my mother, and combined together we were one big dysfunctional family and we created as a family so much traumas and wounds. As a result I have created escape from suffering with my pornography addiction from my early childhood. From an early age, or from the age I was born, I was born very different from the other kids, I had and I have my whole life unrecognized ADHD. Many issues with school and university could be avoided if I just treated my ADHD on time. My traumas, ADHD and unhealthy sexuality lead to a lot of bad decisions through my teenage years and adolescency and lead to development of many problems that I'm experiencing right now such as various addictions sexual or non-sexual. I think one of the best decisions that I have ever made will be seeing the therapist and going to the theraphy. In the start I was sceptical since I think that I'm in control and I can deal with my problems on my own, and as far as this is true more then it's not, I still will benefit from multiple perspectives, It's like having a hired consultant that will help you see the problems that you don't see in your life, who will suggest solutions. Majorly in my circles of peoples, I was the one to give the advice, and many people would say that I give a good advices and that I would be a good therapist, well it's finally time to get my theraphy for the first time. I must say that my life currently is a fucking mess and I need to start working on it to get it more organized and more get myself to be more productive in my day. This is currently enough, as I don't have any left inspiration to keep going and keep writing. But one is for sure, WRITING as a habit is really super helpful thing that is so much beneficial and it have HEALING powers in my case, I feel so much better when I have my thoughts well organized, or organized at least in some manner, becuase I'm an introvert and I don't get to speak to many people so all the my ADHD super fast racing thoughts get stuck and internalized instead of expressed like here. I will keep going and keep writing for sure. That's all for now, i'm singing off.

@Atb210201 Thank you for the kind words. I will do my best.

Hi there people, I know that this is the only place that I feel safe enough to share my thoughts and to be sure that I won't be judged heavily, instead I do belive that someone will comment something useful and constructive becuase I really need help. It got to the point where I sometimes in hard moments feel like I just want my pain to end by any cost. I will now provide more context. Sorry for the long story here and thank you for reading. I'm 27 year old, guy living with my girlfriend for almost 2.5 years, in a relationship for 4 years in total. Our relationship have suffered a great deal of pain through broken trust, temporary brakeup etc. and all coming from my shameful pornography addiction. I have been opening up to my partner from the start, but slowly and slowly working on my issues and I'm now at the moment, almost 400 days free of porn. But, there is a creeping guilt and shame for the thing that I have discovered in the last year when I get off the porn addiction. It was that I have voyeuristic and exibitionistic tendencies and I feel horable about it. There is just so much guilt and shame becuase I know that I have done things that are not okay in my past, when I was fighting pornography and I think it has resulted as I cut off porn and just got extra hypersexual and then it just transferred from virtual world to the real one. Better to say, I used to use webcam sites to masturbate with web cam girls, to flash strangers on webcams etc on the sites like omegle.. For those internet related things, I was honest about a year ago and we got through that together, she was my support all the time. The problem started and manifested one year ago, when: I was getting boner when I got in the bus, sitting next to beautiful and sexy girl, and I just coudn't control myself of not getting boner that was sometimes noticable and I derived gratification from it, but I was not masturbating or flashing my penis In our apartment I used to walk naked and to desire to be noticed by the strangers in the near building, but I can't for sure say that I ever flash someone that someone noticed me since the building is far away. In rare occasions in apartment, I would masturbate in hope that someone will notice or caught me, and that thrill got me excited and keept me repeating that behaviour. In locker room, or change room at the pool, there was a lady that cleans the wet floor, one time, when I was changing and got my boner, she entered by accident in the cabin and seen me naked, I'm really sorry now for her in that moment. (in that time, that was hot to me, I know it's wrong) Sometimes I was in a car with a tendency to pull out my penis, but I never did that, it was just too much for me and I felt I would be embarassed. Thanks God that I did't acted out on that one. Usually, Anyway it was not a good thing to do, I know it. There are just many instances, where it looked like an inocent thing to do, but I know it was not, it was a strong desire for exhibitionism and voyeurism. It's unhealthy fantasy and by physchological viewpoints, a disorder. I must say that it's not possible for me at the moment to be honest with my partner after so many painful periods in our relatonship. This is by far a most stable period of our entire relationship, and I just know that this would destroy our relationship. I just don't feel safe to be open to anyone except therapist or forum. We love each other so much and there is so much potential to this relationship, I hope that there is a way in repairing rather then destroying whole relationship. What I have done so far, is to dinstance myself from risky situations by recognizing triggers and avoiding places that would result in my fantasies, also, I research and read a lot about those disorders and for now, I'm about 1 month free from any risky behaviour because guilt and shame keeps me away from it. This friday, I will aslo go on my first therapy session that I believe it will help me better understand the process of recovery and equip me with neccessary tools for fighting this battle further. The things that also helped me was to put myself in her shoes and imagine if that's okay from her perspective. My main question here is, becuase I'm heavy into sprituality and personal develpment, will my conscience be at peace ever if I recover and not repeat any of damaging behaviours any further. Is it morally right thing to do, to recover in silence and be a better person. Will that be enough to fix the damage that is done? Will I be able to enjoy loving relationship any further? My core motivations are to be the best possible boyfriend that I can, to be the best possible version of myself and to be the best possible son, brother and many other roles in my life and this thing is just preventing me in doint that and being a functional member of society, to have functional and healthy sex life and relationship with my partner and many other things. My idea on why this sudden change and motivation to stop, as well as guilt and shame kicking in after so many time in silence, is that I'm finally aware of consequences, damage and impact that I had with my actions since I'm trying to be a better person. Therefore, maybe I could use guilt and shame to prevent any further wrong doing. Please help, and thanks in advance.

Diary Entry No. 2 Date: 23. February 2024. Time: 11:05am I have decided to end the current misery and get back to the track. It was basically a one second decision, wake up this morning, drink coffee with my girlfriend and get out of the bed, going straight to the bathroom to take a cold shower and I did thankfully. What helped me this morning was some cool sigma grindset music and while taking a shower I did for the first time in a while to visualize success. By this, I just don't mean to visualize things like graduation date with my degree, but also the whole process behind it and that freaking music enhanced my experience of future success in my head. Anyway, it was great to shake and be shocked, to get in my body out of my mind. It was a wake up, sudden awakening of the body. Ecstatic experience, gosh, I love that feeling. What I did visualize again, was not mere success, it was the things I love and enjoy doing. I want to my life back. I want again to be in the state of "pursuit of greatness", at least to be back on the path. I'm okay with not achieving greatness but ONLY if I die trying to be great and WHO knows where that mindset will bring me in life. I hope for the best. There is basically a ton of things that get messed up, went into the chaos, high disorganization etc.. I was stalling just like a plane without fuel, I was dropping from high skies and pretend that it's okay, it will not bring me any harm or damage to my life, those are just food, tv series, masturbation... Maybe, but if that's the only things you do on your regular day, you are going to be far behind average in a few months as you are not making any progress at all on daily base, however, you are downgrading yourself each month for one whole version, your will is weaken, your body is clumsy and weak, everything deteriorates. I want to create a special purpose page, it will be placed in my digital ecosystem, my second brain - notion. My duty will be to collect all the thoughts that are important for my future and for my path, all the promises and goals, defined mission and statement of my purpose as well as my written version of vision of my life. It will be scheduled for a daily review. Also, I need system of goals and habits. I need to reestablish those again. Basically, I need to go over again through everything. This was done many many times and I always betray myself and self myself short. This time I want to know how it feels like when you do not give up on yourself. What would happen if I do not quit? What would happen if I achieve success for the first time in my life and continue to make results? Result would be positive addiction I'm sure of that. I would be addicted to success like mad, to those high feelings. I need to include this into my visualization practice. So there is rich experience in visualization, not just blurry images of success. For now, that's all, I'm singing out.

Diary Entry No. 1 Date: 22. February 2024. Time: 15:40 I feel like I fall straight to the bottom again, I just lost the count on how many times this happened and I just can't say that this is normal and that it should happen because this kind of falling is meaningless. In the following ways I'm living in deception, just chasing my own tail in circles without an end: masturbation, binge eating food, binge watching tv series, procrastination etc... I'm not striving to higher things in life, no progress, no nothing. Just endless pleasuring of myself till I'm numb totally. The pain of knowing that I can be much more in life then this is the greatest pain. It's really a miserable existence. I know that I at least drop out from my life freaking pornography and many bad habits associated with it. However, my life is currently flatline. The only thing holding me up in the life right now are my mother, my girlfriend and love that I have for my family. To think just that I'm not even drinking a glass of water daily or brushing my teeth is awful. For the good part of my day, I'm watching series and eating food, instead of sleeping with high quality before midnight, I'm watching till 2am in the morning, then I wake up on my free day, instead of going to the gym and striving to be better person or learning, I'm existing again, laying on the couch and watching series. Pathetic, that's me, at least right now. No friends, not a single soul in my life. For me, if I look my life, there isn't a word that can come to me at this moment, that I can say about myself that is positive. If I continue to write in this way, there is just no need about my depression, my broken dreams, my broken life. It's just sadness and melancholy times hundreds. Now, I shall talk about solutions. Strategy to cut it off, and to cut everything right here and right now, is not possible and not effective. I tried it so many times and failed. What I need right now, is to fill those times, that I spent doing all those bad habits, to fill it with good, productive and healthy habits and to INVEST in myself bit by bit. I don't need to remove or destroy negative habits in my life, I just need to replace them with good ones. Result of good life are good habits. Second most important thing is the power of now. Just those 2 things alone are cure to my condition right now. Meditation and learning. Meditation and discipline. Meditation and good habits. I need act out my will into the world. I need to better myself, it's my antidote to chaos. The brave thing I did today is that I took cold shower that was quite unpleasant. Second thing, I did start to drink water again which is good start and clean up the mess in the house. Also, I did training yesterday and as of today, I brushed my teeth. That's enough for the start. Also, I'm fasting at least 16 hours now. I will keep going further. I want to implement visualization as a habit and to write down my goals and review them daily Up next that I want to write quickly is my direction in my career. By priorities I will do next: Studying for computer science degree (majority of my time should go into this, 3-4h idealy) Learning and practicing web development (at least 1 hour daily would be sufficient) Developing and customizing web site for my parents business (30-60 minutes a day is enough) I will also need to keep myself from: Binge eating, instead try fasting as much Eating sugars, sweets etc. Instead try eating healthy snacks Avoid masturbation in any way, stay away far from pornography and it's sources - when urges start to occur, start meditating and training Avoid series, gaming and movies, limit yourself to only watch series when you are with your girlfriend Make your life a living hell short term that will benefit you in the long term, suffer the pain of discipline or pain of regret later Always do something of your time, don't procrastinate. That's all for today. I will try to be as frequent as much as I see that journaling helps me a lot.

Date: 11/02/2024 Time: 00:00 It's time to get back to work once again. I'm not sure how will all the things that need to happen happen, but I do feel that in the process of living my life just like a normal human being, I suddenly lost myself. For the start, I will continue to have writing session few times a week and I will do my best to have spare time to think deeply about the life and to read some quality books. Just as before, my mission was to be pragmatical to the core, but to not loose sense of reality while "doing". I will continue to invest in my self in every possible way and to continue to have high standards for myself. Two things will need to happen. 1. I will need to keep doing things that I need to do to be pragmatic and to produce viable results 2. I will need to keep eliminating and minimizing distractions that are stealing the most precious and valuable resource - time. Somehow, every time I just forget. This problem just never stop reoccurring. It's always present in some part of the month or year, it may be absent for some time and everything could go as expected, BUT, it does occur. Suddenly, I just stop working on myself, stop pursuing my highest purpose, stop being on a mission and slide back to old habits and contacted rather then expanded state of consciousness. From what I observed, I always steer away from purpose to purposelessness on a treasure/pleasure/comfort island. I get absorbed in comfort, I just can not control and set the proper dosage of comfort to balance personal development. It's really hard and sad to see myself selling myself to nothing basically. This stops now. The main task here is to get above mechanicalness of reality by sprouts of consciousness occasionally. In other words, you need to get back to meditation again. Things I need to eliminate: 1) Masturbation - Now I'm almost 200 days free from pornography but, still for some reason I get really aroused when I see girls in yoga pants in the public or when I see images of stockings/lingerie or really sluty girls on social medias. Course of action is not to masturbate directly to those triggers but usually I get home, go the the shower and jerk it off to fantasies. I do really have a problem with sexuality as feel like Im so hyper sexual, Im very physical man and when I lack physicality in my life I tend to release it through sex. In my relationship, sex life is really not that frequent, not to my satisfaction at all. We maybe have sex 1-3 times a month at most. I really crave for sex and sexuality but I couldn't just get it. I would just love to again have sex for half an hour and fuck my girl so hard that she can not walk, I just miss so much about having my dick sucked and licked till I cum in her mouth and she lick every drop of my cum. I just miss so much of those perverted fantasies that I can not accomplish that I'm ending so frustrated asIm not even able to release it to porn like before. But when I think, my life was living hell before, pornography would take my life. Thankfully, that period is gone, but... Im thinking that masturbation to this mentioned fantasies is my new weak spot. I need to stop it and to figure out the way to transmute that enormous sexual urges into something usefull and to STOP viewing women and girls as object of pleasure. I just want to see them as fellow human beings. I want to cure those my sexual abnormalities once and for all. I saw on first hand that porn is coupled with masturbation, it's the devil combo. Here comes the hardest part, No Porn was the easiest part, now M and O comes to me as a new challenges. 2) Comfort food eating coupled with watching series/movies and basically not doing anything positive with my life AS WELL AS EATING SWEETS. This must to stop.

Entry: #017 Date: 7/11/2023 Time: 15:00 Subject: Crysis Plan (Mood Swings / Depression / Burnout) I found out lately that basically, everything in life is functioning in a dualistic fashion, usually in two cycles: day/night, hot/cold, cloudy/clear sky or mind, working/not working, lazy/productive, happy/sad, depressed/expressive, etc... When it comes to my mood, my personal feelings are quite complicated when it comes to us humans, they are just like the seasons of the year or sudden changes of heavy rains and clear sunny days without any clouds on the horizon. It got me thinking, they are patterns. But, can we guess which pattern will take place next week or next month? What are the frequencies of our "emotional downtime"? Maybe we can guess behavioral patterns based on multiple factors such as: The stress that we have in the present moment (environmental component) The emotional state we currently exhibit (emotional component) The current state of consciousness (spiritual component) Sleep quality and sleep quantity, hydration, diet (physical component) Emotional, spiritual, physical, or any other kind of deprivation Can we take all this into account to be able to predict when our crisis is going to happen, and for how long it will last? How can we overcome the negative emotional state we are in and what steps to follow in those moments? I have come up with the idea that maybe the best thing in difficult times is to make a plan when we are in the good times for the bad times. In other words, when we feel good and we have a clear vision and clear mind, we make a plan, set the rules and constraints, and architect the whole plan on how to react so that when the bad times come, we don't have to think anything, just follow the plan as you are 100% sure that those states are not permanent and the whole point in the plan is to not get into "self-destructive" mode or "lazy" mode which we will then recover for a long time after many things we worked so hard, are basically ripped off. We are basically not starting from scratch after a depressive episode has ended if we are not falling into various unhealthy coping mechanisms. We are here to implement "healthy coping mechanisms". Just follow the plan/script and slowly recover. Several different things could happen to us to bring us into negative states and states of contracted consciousness. The end result is usually a depressive episode, physical or emotional burn-out, tiredness, and laziness. The moral of the story is that our body, mind, and spirit are unable to execute on the level that we demand. We simply can not be that productive and efficient on those days. We get clear signals from our body and subconsciousness, that recovery is needed. The worst idea is to push through even harder or to completely give up on consciousness and indulge in X, Y, and Z activities that we think our bodies are only capable of in those times. Don't do the following: Do not make utterly important life decisions: From my personal experience, I found that we can not make good decisions in those moments when we feel emotional/physical/spiritual "downtime". We simply lost the balance and some of the components are obviously damaged by the sudden loss of balance. Do not trust your mind: The mind will tell you many things about the near or long-term future based on the data he can gather in the present moment. Those are alarming and surface-thinking predictions based only on a tiny fragment of reality. The lenses through which the mind looks and generates perspective in those difficult times are simply not true. It's a better option to just cut off my mind and say, it's okay you can tell me everything but I'm not going to believe it and not act upon it. Have in mind to listen but not indulge and not engage in conversations in your head about a catastrophic and doomed future. Do not push yourself harder: Avoid thinking that you are David Goggins and that you should go 10x when you are on your broken legs. Maybe it's time to just rest. Accept, rest, and avoid stress. Do the opposite, instead of going hard, go soft with yourself but in a healthy way. You are not weak. You are not soft. You are just caring about yourself in difficult times and loving yourself by being gentle. Do not indulge in pleasurable activities all the time: Do not simply abandon the ship that you worked so hard to build in the first place. Try to engineer it so your ship does not sink. Pump the water out of the ship and keep your ship floating. Still keep your habits, just in tiny portions. Don't go on 1h training, train for 10 minutes instead. Don't read the whole chapter, read only a few pages but keep your healthy and important habits in place. Do not give up dreams, missions, or goals: Instead, do the opposite, and review them. Do not self-isolate from people: Try to limit exposure to the outside world, but don't cut it completely. Try to communicate with other people in simple language. Try to be kind to other people and tell them how are you feeling. You need healing and emotional connection is very much soothing and healing energy that you need and seek. Do not self-isolate in the apartment and stop moving: Just keep in mind that moving triggers elevation of consciousness. I don't know how, but it does. It's really therapeutic to just move and walk, stretch and run, walk walk walk, and keep walking when you are in the greatest pain. It will reduce it, it will take out the demons that are occupying space in your head. Do not stop important practices: Meditation, cold showers, deep breathing. Keep your ship flowing down the river or ocean. Keep pushing, but in little doses, and keep stressing your organism but just to the point where Do not indulge in self-destructive behaviors: Like pornography, masturbation, alcohol, weed, reckless driving, etc... Do not engage in arguments with your partner: If you are emotionally hurt or depressed, you will be more prone to negative emotions rather than positive ones. Combined with the stress and new problems that arise during those times, we might feel overwhelmed and lose self-control over our emotions and say or do things that are not aligned with our values. To avoid is not the best thing, but to communicate that you are not feeling well and delay hard conversations and crucial problems for the time when you are feeling good and when you have the capacity to solve complex problems. Do not make any further "shoulds": Stop any and every moralization that you can and that you are conscious of. For sure, there are things that we need to do anyway even if we do not feel like it, but most of the things that are negotiable and delayable which are causing us stress and that are difficult for our current condition, should be delayed or rescheduled for another time. This also implies that you should not force yourself on anything that is far from your zone of "can do". Basically, do not try to move the mountain if the apple-sized rock is too hard for you to move. What you need is healing, not further action in conquering the world. You need to rest and heal. You need to get inspired and be intrinsically motivated. You need to recover from the emotional sickness. Do the following: Try to eat healthy foods mostly Try to stay hydrated Try to keep habits with a minimal effort approach, I'm referring here to ideas from James Clear's book: "atomic habits" Take it easy and sleep as much as you like, but don't oversleep Take it easy and eat junk food if needed but try not to reduce frequency and do not make it habitual Take your favorite playlist for these times like dark times music, or sad classical music, and enjoy it Review your life purpose, your goals, and your dreams Practice affirmations for well-being Try to run, exercise, and move Move and walk a lot, it's crucial Know that this is only a cycle and it will pass, A good mood and happy creative emotions will get back to you soon Spend more time in nature, generally speaking, more outdoor activities Talk with your friends, open up with your partner, and cuddle, kiss, and hug a lot Practice gratitude Meditate and practice mindfulness even if that's the last thing that you would do Enjoy your favorite show, movie, or any game that you like Listen to guided meditation and breathing sessions on YouTube Read or listen to audiobooks or consume whatever you like and in whatever tempo you like Keep in mind that these days, it's not about making progress, it's about preserving yourself and gently caring about yourself. Heal and recovery. Spend more time with dogs and cats, go visit your own pets and play with them Sit and do nothing meditation, let the thoughts flow through you freely Go out and buy yourself something that you like Practice self-acceptance, go watch Leo's video about this practice and relax, practicing self-love and self-acceptance Listen to some guided meditation by Eckart Tolle, Ram Dass, Osho, Moojiji, etc... Write, write, and write even more. It's so damn therapeutic to write and journal about anything. Get your depressed thoughts out on the paper. Try to psychoanalyze yourself. Why are you experiencing the thing that you are experiencing? Accept that this too is normal, get back to Tao Te Ching and embody some principles from Lao Tzu's work, and bring Tao to the Earth. Be kind to yourself, be gentle to yourself, love yourself Singing out.

Entry: #016 Date: 5/11/2023 Time: 02:45 AM Subject: My Achievments Up to this point, I don't think that I did a lot and usually I forgot from where I came from. But just for the sake of self-inspiration I will list all the thing I failed and went back or times where I just crushed it, or Im just convinced that it is that way. My cookie jar: Even though I was scared and abused kid from disfunctional family, I managed to overcome my social anxiety and need to get approval and validation from other people, people pleasing etc. I managed to overcome great depression and purposelessness in my life, still I have fears and insecurities in certain aspects of life but the most important thing I have overcame. I was labeled as weak in my elementary school but still, I managed to learn to fight trough karater where I attained blue belt, I even learned a lot of different fighting skills thourgh my own material arts experimentation Even though I was labeled as physically weak and not appealing or sexy in any way, I managed to build 8-9 out of 10 physique with six pack of abbs and pretty solid shape. From 110kg fat guy I managed to get to sexy 82kg beast in muscle. Im pretty proud of my looks but also in strength and endurance. Even though I was weak, I managed to get into Calisthenics and do 10 muscle ups which was indicating that I was in solid form. Even though I suck at running in my elemntary school races, being always the last to finish the race, times are now different. Im now able to run for 30km non stop in around 3h, next year running for the full 42.2km marathon. This year (2023), my success was that I managed to run 2 races in one year, one is 21.1km hill race, which was the hardest thing I did ever and second is 10k belgrade which was easy and I finished around 700th place from around more then 5.000 people which was solid to me. In highschool I was heavy smooker, drinking alchochol and smoking marihuana, having no personality by being people pleaser and no strong integrated character within me. I was shallow. No purpose, no mission, no goals. All that is behind me. Im not that person anymore. I had big complex around my teeths, as they are not straight as they should be or as they are in avergage person. Not being able to smile. That was sad. I had big insecurities around my teeths but I managed to overcome that. Smiling honestly and truely whenever I feel like it. I had no gf and I was virgin up to my 21st birthday. Big insecurities and issues there, but that didn't stop me. I managed to have sex with 5 different girls up to this point and I have been in several relationships and I had a lot of different experiences during 21-25 years of age. Big giant leap in romantic relationship sphere of life. I was addicted to games, playing them all day long for around 10 years until eventually cutting them completly from my life. I was addicted to watching tv shows, movies and generally eating snacks, bullshit foods, sweets etc. Most of the thing that I mentioned are now out of my life. Only left are sweets but even those things I do moderatly even I know that Im still addicted to them. I always felt stupid and I think of myself as someone who have really low IQ. All because I was in a school system that was not in favor of my intelectual needs. In high school while doing drugs and all other supstance abuse behaviours, I was chronically lazy and non-curious around the school topics and my grades where the lowest possible passing grades, surprise is that I managed to overcome this and ace last year of high school with 4.5 GPA. Even though my GPA sucked, I managed to go to the university and study what I like and what is profitable and best for me. Currently Im second year in Computer Science and Im not stopping until I have masters degree even Im almost 27 years old dude. I had a dream of becoming a military officer while I was at 4th year of high school and I was dreaming to be spec ops. one day. I must say that I didn't quite make it to become military officer as my GPA was so low, I didn't end up being accepted even though my entrace exam results in phyiscal and math test were really high. Im considering this my success as I went all the way and tried to achieve that goal singlemindedly. I didn't fucking quit. I managed even to go to special operations selection for anti-terrorist military police unit which are in Serbia equvivalent to US Delta Forces. I was in for about 2 months and due to my injuries I was forced to quit further selection process. I must say that Im thankful for that experience as I was able to experience what extreme sports as profession feels like. Its was fascinating. One of my biggest success in life so far. I managed to become System Administrator, working in a stress-free job that is most of the time cozy and relaxing with bunch of spare time in the office and bunch of freetime out of the office. I worked as security guy for almost 5 years to be able to finally get here. I worked in a variety of different jobs: Glovo Courier, Part-time Student Jobs, Security, Hard Physical Labor etc. But it all payed off. I was someone that was broke and always in the debts but I managed to get my finances in order finally, I have roof over my head, food and everything that I need to live function life. As a kid I was considered gifted for music and I went into elementary musical school and played piano for couple of years, and practice it later in high school for couple of years. I managed to learn technically high-demanding compositions like Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata 3rd Movement. For 4-5 years I was tenor singer at one of the Belgrades most famous chorus which is AKUD "Ivo Lola Ribar" . I traveled a lot with a lot of different amazing people, and still to this day I consider this a great experience and success in my life. From someone who heavn't read any books in childhood and elemntary schol, to some who has read about ~100 books. One of my greatest success up to this day is success with my own family. I had a really highly neurotic and disfunctional sister that produced a lot of stress on me and my mother and father. We all did suffer from impact of my sister mental ilnesses. I was thinking deeply, almost believing that I will never overcome family issues and that there is no possible growth for my sister. But it all changed. Not only my sister have changed, we all have changed internally. As I have shifted my believes and mindset in the positive direction, so my family this also. They mature overtime. Now, today, we are seeing each other and we are enjoying in our spare time, doing some mutually satisfying activities like watching movies, traveling along the country or drinking coffee together. Not only that my sister was very hard to get along with, but we my father and my mother were divorced and a lot of difficulties rised from their broken marriage. It was all very messy and hard, but now it's fine, now we have some direction and we are growing as human beings more each day that passes. Still to this day, it's not perfect, far from perfect but at least we get along each other and we are more caring, gentle and understanding with each other. We are more compassionate and mature people. My biggest success was definatly overcoming disfunctional family and all the internal issues that were created by it. My recovery from my trauma is my biggest success up to this day. Of course, there are many other maybe minor wins that could be consider success but Im not able to write anymore, my eyes are really tired and to honest, I can't even rember some of the things as the memories are slowly fading away. I think only the important one were on my mind while I was writing and feel really feel like Im empty. I expressed all that I had in me. Now, Im singing out.

Entry: #015 Date: 5/11/2023 Time: 12:40 AM Subject: Writing Session - Stream of Consciousness There is just so many things to do, it's so easy to fall into the trap of overdoing and get out of balance in this work. Recently, I'v been watching one of Leo's video while cleaning the house, I think it's called "the rule of balance in personal development", and it's what a great video to remeber me that balance is one of those skills crucial for personal growth and for sure it's one of the rare skills to have. So many applications of personal development into our lives, so much content available everywhere on the internet and so much possibilities for anything and everything to happen. That's one of the hardships of living in this modern age. As much as it's cool, it does have disadvantages. In the past couple of months I managed to: Stabilize my finances To create structure in my life To define what's important to me on daily basis To define goals, mission and to embrace the feeling of purpose I have inside of me To redefine my life purpose To leave addictive sexual behaviour behind me (PMO habits) To organize my life and create ultimate productivity system that's working and producing results (File management, calendar management, mail management, second brain or commonplace book, task management system etc..), It's working and it's getting more functional with each day that passes as Im getting more stuff automated, not keeping it all in my head is very reliefing, many things are handled automatically with predefined set of rules and notes Managed to fix my relationship by fixing the core issues that was rooted in my unhealthy sexuality and addictive patterns of behaviour, managed to rebuild trust with my partner and we are continuing to improve our relationship with each day that passes Managed to build some healthy habits that are by their nature organizational, productivity and optimization oriented Managed to improve and learn a lot on my daily job as system administrator, still there is a lot left to learn but Im getting more confident in solving the day-to-day issues that occures, even my boss was able to tell me that in comparison with other two colleagues, she concluded that I learned exponentially Managed to redirect my sexual energy towards personal development and self-actualization, even towards building more meaningful connections with people I can be sure that lot of stuff was done and it all resulted in viable results. I should keep going this route and keep investing in myself. Only problem though, I feel like Im not creative anymore. In the last 15 days at least, there are so little creative outbursts. Maybe I swinged in the left brain direction a little too much, so I guess I will just need to restore balance with right brain activities. Yeah, I start to feel that Im becoming finally more productive person. I manage to produce results and there should be a continious progress in the future. What are some problems that Im facing right now that are blocking me from reaching my full potential in the present moment? Alarming: Drinking too little water, some days I go without even drinking a single glass of water and it's freaking unhealthy Eating junk food lately, this one costs financialy and it has impact on my well being as well as physical health Alarming: Eating sugary food, candies, chocholate etc. - Im addicted to it. Period. This is urgent problem to solve. Alarming: No physical activity at all, not training, running or going to the gym. This might be a huge problem in the next months to follow. Getting stuck from time to time at building productivity system instead of doing the hard work by putting in effort and studying. Neglecting social connection with friends in real life, this requires more attention in the near future Not reading books at all, and this is one of my favorite things to do, why am I neglcting it? Why can't I find time for it? Consuming > Implementing, this is problem that Im facing for my whole life, so I need to think deeply how will I overcome it. I need to find a way to practice far more then I consume. The healthy portion might be 70% of practice / 30% of consuming I have a feeling that tick tick might not be a good app. for goals and Notion would be the right candidate as it's flexible to the core. There is so little time allocated in reviewing mission, goals and directions as well as setting smart goals. I have some idea, picture in my head of what would be the ideal day and ideal lifestyle of mine. And I just know it that Im not living it. I need to change, I need some bold life changes, some big change is coming and I feel it. Alarming: I still do not have crysis management plan, and this should be created ASAP. What the fuck I think I will do when that dark times sneak up on my back and ego backlash hits me hard? What will I do? I need to stay balanced, but sometimes I just gave up on everything in those dark times. I need that plan created. One of the issues is that Im avoiding spirituality and the present moment, I just now figured it out. Fascinating. I just realized that I was asleep for a long time, still to this point Im writing this as Im in my deep sleep as my mind took over the control. Present moment is the most important and most beautiful thing we have, yet, our minds when they take control, completly ignore it and we are in our heads 100% of the time and THEN, we ask questions like Why am I addicted to X? Why Im not able to enjoy x? Why Im not able to relax and have a stress-free good night sleep or nap? Why Im not able to love, be kind and gentle more? Why Im getting angry and why are my emotions getting wild lately? Why do I not have any control over my bodily cravings for easy pleasures in life? Why my life is meaningless? Why Im not creative? Ultimate Productivity System Category #1: Track Samsung Health: Im using this app. to track my daily physical movemnt or activties, sleep, steps, water intake etc. It's connected with my Samsung Gear S3 watch and synced with Samsung phone app. Fasting Tracker: My intemittent fasting records are tracked here. Water Drink Remainder: Directly synced with Samsung Health app to track water. Habits Loop: Free app for habits, I use this app to track small but powerful habits like meditation techniques, breathing exercises etc. It's my toolkit full of useful habits. I have solid database of archived habit's that I can pull from and start practicing and track them right away. Habit Now: Im using this app. to track only the most important and crucial habits like reading, writing, studying and working out. Just a few important habits that Im tracking but they are all measurable and have a lot of metadata attached to every habit. Powerful tool. Habit Share: Using this app. to track my "bad" habits that I want to have control of how much and how frequent Im consuming less healthier stuff. Primarly used for tracking porn addiction, alchochol intake, sweets and snacks, binge acitivites etc. My girlfriend and my mom are my accountability partners in this app. Cool app. FitNotes: Using this app. for custom exercises tracking in my workouts, but not for running. Strava: Just for tracking my running. Super awesome community oriented app with great statistics. ExpenLess: Amazing financial tracking app, Im able to organize my expensess and make budgets for the present month with ease. Traquer: App. for tracking reading habits and making book shelfs. This app is super fast and it has great heatmap for tracking how much you read. The best thing, it totally free and it's super intuitive and easy to use. Daylio: Great mood recording app. Category #2: Capture Notion: My second brain app, this is where I have built a complex web of databases that are orgnized in such a way that it have big impact on my motivation levels, my ability to organize knowledge and of course my source of pure creativity. Every single video that I watch or course I take or anything that comes to my mind such as insights, ideas or observations gets directly stored in my notion database. This is my commonplace book. Impact of this app on my personal life is amazing. It's life changing thing. Instapaper: Read later app. just like pocket. Readwise: Daily highlight from my books, online articles, kindle notes, tweets etc. Synced directly with notion database. It's perfect space repetition app to always remeber what you have read in the past. High life impact app. Life changes as well. It's also synced with instapaper and pocket. Pocket: Save everything and anything you search online on the web to your personal space and review it later. OneNote - Great app for quick capture, when Im in hurry and not able to use notion in situation where Im far away from PC or laptop, it does get handy to use OneNote, it's fast and it's practical. Later, I transfer everything from OneNote to Notion db. Penzu: My favorite app for writing. It's so gorgeus and simple. It's amazing. It makes writing x100 times more enjoyable. Wish I have 250e to pay for premium, but it's too much for too little in return. Voice Recorder: Quick capture when Im unable to write in OneNote or when it's more practical to record more lengthy stuff. AnkiDroid: Anki flashcards for space repetition. Amazing tool. Category #3: Consume YouTube: I use it for anything and everything, any issues that I have or that I want to learn something, I take a look at it on YouTube. My favorite app of all time. Day dreaming one day that I will record some stuff and post it on YouTube. Audible: Amazing app for audiobooks. Spotify: Alternative to YouTube, only using it for JRE podcast and sometimes for music Skillshare: Great place to learn artful skills Telegram: I usually use it for receiving news from high quality and verified sources. Udemy: Great place to learn business skills. Bookmate: App. just like audbile, ton of audio books to listen to. Good alternative to audible. Medium: Place to read great articles. Readwise Reader: Amazing tool for reading anything in text form, twin app of readwise, sync with notion and readwise db. Category #4: Coordinate TickTick: Task Management - My Ultimate Task Management System. Works charmingly. Make me go 10x in productivity. Cheap investment of 4$/month = massive value return in the future. One of the greatest todo app ever made. I just can't imagine a single day without it. BlueMail: Email Management - All different email accounts in one single unified inbox, manage emails like tasks and remainders easly. OneDrive: File Management - All files from all devices in one safe place. Currently on 100gb plan, planning of expansion on 1tb, possibility to expand on 2tb or to use business plan in the future. Quick and simple but permanent solution to management of files. Google Calendar: Event Management - All important events goes here. It perfectly works for me. Simple, easy and free. Works in integration with ton of different apps. Protonmail: Private and secure business email. Category #5: Communicate Viber: Main tool for non-business communication with people. WhatsApp: Backup alternative for viber. Not using it much. Skype: Use just in case. Usually used for mentoring. Teams: Business/University communication tool.

Entry: #014 Date: 31/10/2023 Time: 11:40 AM Subject: Various Topics I feel really good although I had some rough past few days as well as troubling dreams and nightmares. I am trying to wrap my head around my dreams and understand my subconscious mind. I'm not inspired that much to write about anything particular as the morning was never part of the they where I'm overflowing with ideas and insights but the nighttime always was. Vibration, Speed or Frequency of Thoughts Anyway, I'm creating some consistency in my life by doing what I love and writing some stream of consciousness down to digital paper. The thing that I concluded is that I like to write digitally for specific reasons, it's really fast, and even faster is when I record myself talking. My ability to formulate thoughts has a certain speed and writing down things in different ways has different speeds of course. When I write digitally or speak I feel like my writing or speaking matches my speed of thought. The Flow State, higher vs lower self That's a really interesting conclusion but the next one is that my speed of thought is not optimal and not constant all the time. At my peak, for example, during focusing sessions or deep work, while being influenced by the coffee, my mind can go at wild speeds and it gives a god-like feeling. It's feeling like everything is possible and that I'm able to do or understand anything. It's such an elevated state of consciousness that I'm integrated into the present moment very well. It's such an easy thing to do to stay self-aware or aware of my surroundings or to feel my body. It's the key. When combined with practices of semen retention and dopamine detox or better "practice of delayed gratification", it's god-like power. On the other hand, when I wake up, my thoughts are really messy and my state of consciousness is really low I have through the day with my efforts, elevated that state to a higher level. Somedays, it doesn't happen at all, I stay at the lower speed of thought all day and it's directly correlated to the addiction cycle as I'm prone on those days, to be less disciplined and eat junk food, being lazy, etc. I like the concept of lower vs higher self and I think that there is a lot of knowledge that is interconnected and needs to be extracted from those concepts. In my view, when it comes to the higher self, there is the elevation of consciousness, the ability to abstain from simple bodily pleasures, and the freedom to "be" and feel the higher emotions and the intellect that works at a higher speed and mental images as well as visual images that are pretty high resolution. Everything is high quality when the higher self comes. But, when it goes away, and all you are left is lower self, all human petty little problems arise. The mode of survival kicks in, the ego backlash kicks in. The mind becomes cluttered with thoughts that are lower resolution and kind of blurred in some way. Shift of consciousness happens, consciousness deescalates to the lower realms of reality and totally different kinds of desires arise from within. Sexuality becomes awakened in a primitive way, and addiction to foods, laziness, etc. becomes more likely. From god-like we downgrade to animal-like. We become different persons and we at those moments are usually controlled by our own emotions, we go as the wind blows. Sadly, many people live their whole lives in these primitive states, and this is even exploited by our society through various business that makes money by selling things that we crave, and we crave for the exact reason that we not living by our own deepest self, we are being manipulated and controlled by external events and circumstances. There is a lot of evidence and well-put examples as well as explanations of the previously mentioned mechanisms by P.D. Ouspensky on this paradigm. Reading, writing, speaking, and deep thinking I like to write, and I'm slowly falling in love with it as weeks pass by I find new ways to make it even more enjoyable and for now, it's great. I will continue to write and improve my English as I'm well aware that there is a lot of space for my English to be improved. Fast forward a few years or decades down the road, I will have the most valuable skills that one human being can have, and there are 4 of them: Thinking, writing, reading, and speaking. I deeply believe that they are lifelong learning skills and when you are highly developed in those 4, you can conquer the world, the internal feeling must be that you are unstoppable and I am not the only one who thinks this way. Even in Sidarta from Herman Hesse, there is a reference for what I mentioned about those skills. For example, Jordan Peterson, who is a 21st-century clinical psychologist and author, emphasizes the importance of those skills. Emotional Connection I don't know what to say, but my life is definitely going the right way as I feel it from the inside. My gut feeling never lies and it's usually 95% accuracy when it's intense. I think that introverted and extroverted intuition can be trusted as a string that connects are directly to reality. How to know what is true? Look deep inside of yourself and ask a question, the answer will be delivered at some point. When talking about emotional connection, this year is when I finally realized it. I was so deeply under self-deception because my brain from highjacked by porn and masturbation habits, that I didn't even have a true need for meaningful connection with people on different levels. I'm really grateful to the Universe for anyone who comes into my life either an ally, teacher, or my own student. I started to appreciate any and every conversation that I had in my life. When I am talking to a stranger on the street or just saying hi to a neighbor, the situation when I'm on a simple coffee with my mom, sister or father, or any other family member, talking with intelligent coworkers or talking with beautiful souls on social media or forum actualized.org. I really enjoy conversation and the moments of knowing that I have with other people. This all started really recently, maybe in the past month or so. I feel like I love people just by talking and caring for them in some fundamental sense. I feel like I just started to integrate some nuance of the green stage in the Spiral Dynamics model and it feels lovely and like a fresh breath of air. Many beautiful things start occurring in life when it happens that individuals transcend the lower-self state of consciousness and desires. One thing I can not say from this perspective is that more is better. Balance is the key in every sense. Actually, more is better, if desires are coming from higher states of consciousness. When there is nothing to do, just to be. It's wonderful how many things get done with great joy.

Things left for me to keep in mind and start focusing on and resolving: Eliminate the problem of oversleeping, not being able to wake up when I want to wake up Eliminate the next hard addiction: sweets/candies and occasional snacks/fast food - Clear up the diet Eliminate the possibility of releasing through masturbation, rather practice conserving energy or releasing through intimate sex or transmutation Eliminate other elements with a blocking-like nature, current problem: Bad organization and even worse prioritizing of tasks. Improve efficiency and productivity, this is currently in progress as I'm building my "Ultimate Productivity System" slowly but with success and I shall write about it here on the forum as I will need some improvements in my system and to share it with other people that can find this system or parts of the system useful in their everyday life Those are just a few things that I need to focus on right now, other than that my to-do list is basically endless and there are infinite amounts of possibilities and permutations of "what can be done to improve". This rabbit hole is very deep. Both for personal development and self-actualization. One can easily break friendships, relationships with partners or family, or dump their career if obsessed with self-improvement to the extreme. Speaking of this from personal experience as this already happened to me. Only this time, I have figured it out how to balance multiple things at the same time, you do it just like the CPU on any modern PC does. Though multitasking, but not in a modern way of multitasking, this kind of multitasking needs to be done with care, and very gently. I shall write about this also, I have plenty of thoughts on how to do personal development in a healthy way. Side notes, for the next scheduled investment in my personal development journey, I will buy: Piano - For the pure joy of playing and sharing with people all around the world on YouTube Channel Quality Microphone, Record Lightning, Quality Web Camera - I will need it for the YouTube channel that I'm planning to create There are certain plans that I still didn't manage to have time to brainstorm about and to plan out. It's all kind of stored in the back of my head and not really going away as they are probably good ideas that need to be examined in the long run. Ideas: Piano YouTube Channel Personal Development and self-actualization blog as well as Instagram profile where I will post, publish, and promote PD Journey (English, worldwide) Thinking about starting a real YouTube channel on a national level (as I am far more comfortable speaking in my native language as a native speaker) where I will couch and teach people stuff from personal development and self-actualization But I have to keep in mind that this needs to be done alongside: Relationship Home Duties Full-Time Work Family & Friends Study for University Staying healthy and training well Maybe the key here is gradual improvement and the use of exponential growth as well as system thinking and automation.

Entry: #012 Date: 28/10/2023 Time: 10:33 AM Subject: The Art of Sexual Transmutation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rulE5MJICLo I'm writing and sharing this as I may need it for my future blog that I'm planning to start or it can be useful for some viewers of my personal journal on this forum. Those are just my thoughts and nothing else, be sure to always verify things for yourself as Leo mentioned this many times in his videos. Good Luck. On this particular subject, I have done extensive research, now, for over a full decade and I still know very little in comparison to how much there is available knowledge on this subject. I really think that one day it would be a very good idea to write a book about it. It's for sure on my bucket list. I will categorize this writing session into three parts: brief context, the theory behind sexual transmutation, and practical implementation. Introduction - How did I get into personal development and how did I discover this dark fine art? The thing is that I was a 16-year-old boy who was traumatized in his childhood by certain family issues, issues by the time I was in elementary school where I was bullied, and several other factors. After the damage was done, I started my schooling years in engineering high school, where for the first 2 years I was misbehaving a lot with the groups of people that I felt like I was accepted. Drowning in the abusive use of alcohol, drugs, and cigars I was desperately looking for the reasons to live and the way out of the misery that I have created for myself. One day, I was invited by my friend to come and join the lecture of "Andrej Fajgelj" who was at that time a politician. But.. He mentioned something there, that was crucial. He was talking about some "nofap" guys and said that they are abstaining from pornography and masturbation as a way of living their lives to the fullest without PMO habits that are usually one big distraction. I must say that at that time, I didn't even know that Im destroying myself with tons of pornography DAILY for years. But I decided to give it a shot, and I tried little by little to quit and concluded that I could not. The more I tried the more I failed, but, year by year I had more and more knowledge and made it to reduce it by little every year. The most important thing here was that I discovered that I was living a purposeless life, nothing to fight for, no meaning, no nothing. The only pleasure was the physical one, and my whole existence was orbiting around physical pleasures. The second most important thing was that I discovered slowly where I am in life, the reference point, I clearly saw that I'm a walking mess. The third point was that I discovered that those mine ways of living are decreasing my possible potential and my whole lifestyle was designed in such a way that it keeps me imprisoned without a room to escape, and the last thing is that I discovered personal development as a real practical in which I can certainly improve, alongside with NoFap. But the thing is, later on, no fap led to the discovery of the art of sexual transmutation. Sexual Transmutation - What it really is? In the simplest words, the art of sexual transmutation as I like to call it, is the process of transforming one way of the energy into another form of energy through channeling into different kinds of channels. The energy here is something that is constantly being produced in our bodies and at the same time used for certain activities. Without lifeforce, energy, or prana, there is no life. The important thing here to understand is that the same energy we all have can be used through different activities and ways. For the human being, there are 7 different chakras, in the Spiral Dynamics model there are 8 different stages, in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, there are usually 7 different levels of needs and lastly(that I know) there is 7 different type of people in the scale of personal and spiritual development and maturity in the model of P.D. Ouspensky and they all relate to the channeling of sexual energy in different channels in a theory of sexual transmutation. How? For example, in Maslow's Hierarchy of needs, we have our basic needs of survival, the first stage or first level of needs is purely existential, therefore, the sexual energy here is used for one's survival needs. This kind of sexuality and use of sex energy is physical. Now, if we go up a little higher through the pyramid or hierarchy, we clearly see that sex energy is now used for securing employment, safety needs, morality, security, health, and morals although it can still be used for the basic needs of pure physical sex or self-pleasuring. On the next level, we have the emotional integration stage, where we develop deep intimate connections with our partners, develop crucial relationships with like-minded people, and maintain healthy relationships with our family. Keep in mind, that sex energy is still used for the lower 2 levels, just what happens is that those first-level needs are being satisfied, and the need for higher hierarchy needs is triggered. At each level above there is a difference in the quality of sex energy that is being produced. For example, at the level above intimacy, there is an achievement and public success through career building, forging a "Get shit done" mentality, and seeing how these stages exactly correlate with the model of spiral dynamics, for this concrete example, with stage orange. If go even deeper, we are basically on our quest for self-actualization where sex energy is no longer an expression of the physical domain. It can be, but the energy produced on this level is kinda like fuel for personal development on the highest possible levels that is - self-actualized personal development level. It can be said, that each stage in the needs or spiral stage is directly related to the opening of different chakras. Sexual Transmutation - How it can be practiced? From a personal perspective, I still struggle to implement it in my life completely, but after several years of trial and error, I'm finally getting a hint on how to use sex energy in a gentle and useful manner. There are several components: Abstinence and conservation of sex energy - This process is necessary as we need to first produce a certain amount of sex energy in our bodies. Mindfulness meditation - This process is used to become aware of the sex energy flowing in the body, to have an "urge" and not to react to it, but to be mindful of it, this is the way of calming that wild energy inside of our bodies. Purpose, meaning, goals, mission, and vision - Life purpose and mission are needed If the use of this energy is intended on the highest possible levels for self-actualization and personal development, one needs to fulfill the lower needs first so one can freely use your build-up energy for things like building your career or making new friends or having a romantic relationship with the desired partner. Whatever it is, use Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as ref. model, otherwise use your purpose and meaning to generate more purpose and meaning with the help of additional tons of sex energy stored in your body. Channel or "The One Thing" or "Medium" - For me, this can be studying computer science, researching personal development, reading tons of books, or just doing whatever I desire to do to focus my energy on producing results. The art of sexual transmutation is a system, a process. It takes things as INPUT and it makes OUTPUT. If used properly, it can take in only your conserved energy, and as output, if you are mindful and channel your energy the right and gentle way, it can produce very useful output. I remember when I was thinking about alchemy and still to this day, it amazes me how some people still think in this modern age that the art of Alchemy was about turning bare metal into gold or whatever element into gold. But this is a largely false statement. We are the Alchemist, still to this day, the conversion of wild sex or vital life energy into golden output in the real world through the art of sexual transmutation is the way of real Alchemy. Just if you stop to think about it, the most passionate people are usually the people with a high sex drive. Throughout the history of mankind, many people used this sacred practice of Alchemy for their own gain and if you do not believe me it's fine, but check what other people have to say on this matter, for example, Napoleon Hill. He's a great example of those people, who discovered the sex transmutation and started using it for his personal gain. He wrote a ton of useful books and was a great author. There are many ways to go about it, but the best one is to start the practice gently, and alongside the practice, there should be research. Maybe messy or confusing, the most important thing was to get the idea, to get this thing called sexual transmutation which is the real thing, "DISCOVERED" for yourself, for your personal gain. Later on, only through reading and research and of course, with practice, this thing can be cultivated to the point where you are generating a mass amount of value for yourself and the world. Still to this day, I deeply believe that I'm a really lucky guy who found a few keys that are the most important things that happened in my life so far: Discovery of personal development, as well as Leo's business: actualized.org Discovery of the secret art of alchemy, the Art of Sexual Transmutation Discovery of the present moment, Truth, and profound spirituality I keep on saying to myself that the ultimate key is not even the first two things that are on the list, the ultimate one is always and always will be living in the present moment.

Entry: #011 Date: 14/10/2023 Time: 11:50 PM Journal: General I'm super excited as it's time for updates! I will write on a couple of different dimensions in my life and I am excited to write as the new chapter in my life begins, symbolically, batman's main theme in the first movie was from my childhood, the most inspiring thing I ever seen in the screen, it was always my calling. When I get inspired by Batman, it usually means majestic grandiose changes in my life and my spirit. What will I write about: My clearly redefined purpose in life My declared mission Maybe some of the visions that I currently cultivating Current progress that I have made with PMO addiction, my new knowledge, and my strategy on how will I proceed with addiction Life Purpose In some sense, the core of my life purpose that I have discovered in my past is staying the same. The core of who I am and the potential as well as qualities that I possess and will possess, remains fairly similar to the last evaluation. But the roadmap to actually get there, to my destination is very different. In the past, before discovering certain qualities and potentials, my life purpose was to find life purpose and reveal who I am. To be honest enough, I am still doing shadow work and gathering data, researching the depths of my mind, and the deeply buried archives of my personality and ego. Who I am in the ego dimension. A lot and a lot of fucking work is left to do. But... Now I have a strong desire to unveil all the messy stuff that's wrong with me and to be brutally honest with myself and others, but especially with myself, because all the farther work is impossible if one is not honest and if one thinks that he possesses the things that are the most desirable, the qualities and the knowledge as well as the principles and tools. If I'm honest, I'm really a few drops of water in the fucking ocean of life, ocean of knowledge and consciousness. I'm so small, but I'm part of the whole and I'm conscious of it. I now know that I have multiple life purposes, not just one, and I know that this process is supposed WILL be slow. It tests me in new ways. It requires me to build patience to be able to, just like David Goggins, be able to look at how slowly the grass grows. My new purposes Consciousness - Elevating my levels of consciousness to the higher realms for higher possibilities Love - Expanding my capacities of being loved by myself and expanding capabilities on loving others, not being judgmental Ego Dissolution - Eliminating distractions in life, eliminating addictions both soft and hard, reducing and reducing to the point where my Ego disappear Pure Joy - Living in the present moment and enjoying life in simple moments Pragmaticism - The thing that my ego hates and runs away from the most, my lower form of life purpose which in the past I considered the main one, will be to ace the university with the highest possible grades, integrating stage orange all the way up. In combination with the job that Im currently doing, it's really a great combination of both. Making money and studying the thing you are working on. Preparing the right environment for the stage yellow that will one day come to be integrated. I can not skip this stage. I got tired of running away, and I will deal with it for the one super big reason. I will enroll in post-graduate school for psychotherapy as the thing that will most probably be the most enjoyable thing to do as I think my personality is built for therapy BUT, first I need to heal myself fully, to fully overcome obstacles in my life and mental problems, as well as ego barriers, to deeply understand my own psychology so that one day I can be really good at what Im doing with other people, healing them from practical experience I acquired in my own life struggles and mental health problems. As soon as I give myself the ultimate goal of enrolling in postgraduate studies of psychology, that very moment I got a strong desire and inner motivation to pursue the current degree as that all will be very fucking beneficial to my future self. Why run from things that have been hunting you your whole life? Why not accept the present moment, feel those emotions, and go through the transformative process? It will change my life. I have a lot to say, but for lfie purposes, this is enough to prove the point. Mission I do not know how other people or people in general define mission while defining things like goals, purpose, and similar stuff. But I understand that it is not just the end goal, it's the journey, not just the destination. It's the set of problems that are there, that need to be solved with certain tools in certain environments in a certain way. It's far from the simple way. far from a simple thing. The transition from men no. 4 to men no. 5 - I want to become self-conscious most of the time. I want to be constant. I want to have a permanent "I". I want to have self-control. I want my mind to be submissive to my soul, to the core of my being, to the center of my conscious experience. I want to bring the Tao on the earth for myself, I want to join the union of oneness and to radiate love and energy as well as consciousness to people around me. I must conquer myself first. I must conquer my desires. Methods: Meditation, Deep Breathing, Sexual Transmutation, Semen Retention, Hardcore training, Harcore studying, Cold Showers, Connection with people, Connection with my girlfriend, Connection with nature, Connection with myself, Eating Healthy foods, Living a Healthy Life. Being balanced. Discovering my deep true God nature and awakening - I felt through dreams and through glimpses of consciousness in certain moments which implies being awakened but I do not have enough consciousness in my life and my energy field is not strong enough as well as my ability to concentrate and focus. I will need to build stronger concentration, and a stronger energy field, to rediscover new ways to awaken, to discover new concepts and new techniques which will apply to my life and result in elevating consciousness levels. Methods: Meditation, lucid dreaming, deep or shamanic breathing, contemplation, self-inquiry, living more consciously the ordinary life. Listening to spiritual teachers, reading books on certain topics, and doing the practices will definitely help in raising consciousness to the point of reaching the absolute, the God, the objective, and unified collective consciousness - oneness. Experiencing ego death and ultimately accepting myself - Living on the edge, in the least comfortable places and activities where ego has the most probability to die away, to be honest as long as I am alive I think we might be bound to have ego backlashes and setbacks but I strongly believe that they can be reduced to the minimum so we can bounce back to the game in no time. I will need to go full circle on this, for sure. From somebody that is one big 0 in the ability to "do" as my natural ability to go-get, failed me, to someone who is mastering the game of go-getting. This will take a lot of work, the method: eliminating hard addictions as a top priority, eliminating soft addictions as a second priority, living in the present moment, practicing self-acceptance, and suffering through emotional labor. Learning how to live in discomfort, learning how to be miserable, and to be okay. Challenging myself to the core and to the point where I become the most uncommon amongst uncommon people at least in my environment, life space, etc.. Learning how to use healthy coping strategies and how to BE OKAY WITH NOT BEING OKAY. Accepting that fact and that energy in that moment. Learning to like all aspects of life. Work and career, becoming a go-getter, result-maker - This too will require me to live on my edge constantly, not just living through negative emotions while doing nothing, going through emotions while doing hard stuff, and challenging myself to the core. This is rooted in questions like "How hard you can work? But I would dismiss any pure physical expression of this statement. It's a lot deeper than that. I mean it in a couple of different dimensions. How hard can I work while working intelligently, in a smart way, with a great decision-making process, how much can I take on myself, and suffer through while doing all of that? Method: Smart Hard and Deep Work. Challenging myself to the core. Executing tasks, day in and day out. Completing stuff and getting good grades at university. Making good results while dieting and working hard at the gym. Making good results in relationships. Making good results at XYZ. Real viable and measurable results. I need to be proven, that I'm capable of realizing my potential. Contribution to the world through the play, love, and connection - This will be maybe too challenging for now, but anyway, it may come to me next year or in the next 5 years most probably. As I'm rising to the singularity point on the Maslow pyramid of needs, straight at the top of self-actualization. I'm going to need to integrate the green and yellow stage. It will be my contribution, my legacy to this world. This is why I'm currently building skills for that. I'm preparing myself for this challenge and will continue to prepare for a long time. Im strongly confident that my area of expertise will be developmental psychology and the role of spirituality in modern psychology. Most probably I will be writing blogs, shooting videos and maybe writing even books on the themes of psychology, but there is a massive amount of work that I need to put myself through to be able one day to contribute to psychology. It will take at least 8 more years of academic schooling to achieve that level, to be able to contribute on a broader scale. Method: For now it can be as simple as shooting self-improvement videos of the knowledge I acquired in the past decade of personal development. Not presenting it like science, more like presenting it like a public option that might help somebody, anybody. The second way, I have piano skills, and I can forge them even better, even more. Playing piano was always a kind of self-expression where I was in direct contact with my soul through music. I bet there are people that could and would like my music. It's worth trying anyway. In the long run, a lot of creative output will be needed in the future, in the next 15-20 years. Be prepared. Forge skills. Helping and loving - I think this is my favorite hobby. I'm really proud to say that I'm thankful to my parents as they taught me how to love myself and others. I like to care for other people and to do small things for them especially when those people are my close ones and family. This one won't have any special method but to love people for being people, to communicate and listen to people and their problems. To love them unconditionally. Still, It takes lifelong practice. But I know deeply inside that life is constantly testing me. It's giving me challenges to overcome myself and it's putting me in certain environments and situations to see if I'm going to do the right way, to help, to love. Experience, play, joy, and happiness - Life is definitely to be experienced, I'm certainly grateful for the life I'm living right now. PMO Journey so far So far so good. I'm much cleaner and much more able to be in self-control than the first month of quitting anything porn related. The results are: No porn sites, no cam websites, no masturbating to any sexual digital material for 60 fucking days (today) I masturbated in total for the past 30 days: 8 times (with bare hands and no digital help) and in the first 9 days it happened 5 times so for the past 15 days Im pretty clean even from my masturbation habit as I masturbated only 3 times I got 2 periods of 7 days without PMO absolutely, totally clean and they happened also in the last 15 days Urges to flash, or better to say, urge to get excited while somebody else is watching me was reduced to the minimum in the public places In the private space, there were a few instances where I was home alone and desired to be watched by neighbors from the open windows in the situations where I was naked after or before showering, but those fetishes I believe are fading away with PMO slowly. It will take some time to heal and rewire the brain I got exposed 8 times to the sexy digital stuff on my phone or PC, the good thing is that I didn't act out on my urges and I feel proud that it is the way it is Lusting in the past 15 days, only 2 days were critical at the beginning of the month, everything else was good. The start of the second month was critical, it's just worth mentioning both. A total of 6 sex encounters with my loving partner so far, slowly getting our lives together, and living clean of Porn with my partner is currently a very liberating experience although I still regret doing much bad stuff behind her back in the past with my compulsive masturbation habit. Even though I was been honest with 95% of the stuff, even those 5% I feel guilty and I guess I will need to live with it, to accept it or leave it be that way. Im absolutely certain that the past can not be changed, but the past does not define who are we in the present moment, or what are cultivating ourselves in the future. This is a big and painful lesson for me but a necessary one. Now I now how good things are and I'm not letting anybody including me, destroy what I have now, I do not want hell on earth anymore. I'm living in peace, understanding, and love right know. Now I'm aiming for the next 30 days to be really clean so I can be even more proud of myself. Even now I'm astonished by the benefits I'm experiencing for the last couple of weeks(2-3 weeks), so I'm curious to ask, what next? What if I'm 100% clean in every way? How much will I be able to focus more? What great ideas would I have? In what fundamental or profound ways would I change myself? To proceed, I would need to make a detailed and redefined plan with certain strategies and tactics that will lead me to success in the fight against PMO. That would be all for now. I feel really fresh after I wrote down all that was stuck in my head for the past few days. Not to say that I do not have anything left to write about, it's enough for now. I will write about tools and habits in the upcoming writing sessions. The main problem now: I need some structure, routines, and habits in my life. I need to build that in the next 30 days. What else do I need? I need fucking goals. They need to be set. It will be done. The idea for the next journaling: "I want to write about the tools and practices(habits) that I want to embody in my life and their probable impact on my life."

@cjoseph90 Hey, Thanks for the feedback, I think Im far better in the past 15-20 days, lot less urges and we even managed to have sex in two consecutive days, which is great improvement in our relatioship. My girlfriend and I are almost 3 years in a commited relationship and I had some nasty habits rooted in pornography which caused us a lot of pain in relationship, but overall it's pretty loving and our love is strong. I cheated on my girlfriend with live web cam girls, payed to masturbate with them, which is pretty shameful in my eyes. But, I was honest with her, and we got over it. Now, I have a second chance and Im not going to break it up and hurt her, so Im here doing my best, honestly speaking. I know it's dark and twisted to get aroused around girls seeing your boner or flashing them on web cam webistes like omegle. But for the past 60+ days I've been clean. No pornography, no web cams, no nothing except that I had been strugling by lusting in public, wanting to flash and have urges to search online sexy stuff sometimes, and it usually is when Im down emotionally and NEVER when Im alright, so I can conclude that it is coping mechanism, nothing else. Why and how it was born? All the answers probbably lies in my childhood and puberity. Being exposed to pornographyy and masturbation at the age of 7 or 8, something like that. Flashing was I think extension of pornography, sexting on omegle as teenager and the fetish outgrown in wanting to flash in the real world. The good things are that I feel that I slowly start having more and more self-control, gradually. So yeah, my partner knows almost all of my pornography, masturbation.. shameful addiction except part about having urges to be watched by the girl while I have boner etc..If I told her that and be 100% honest I would break her and our relationship beyond repair and I think it's not worth to do so. If Im done with those habits and behaviours and Im currently living my normal version of myself striving for the best version, it might me irelevant for the present moment? If I do not go back to old behaviours, do you think it's etically right to keep those thing to myself? I would really appreciate your answer to this. And regarding the sex frequency, she is currently recovering from my infidelity in the past, so I do not want to pressure her into having sex at all. But in the last few days, she wanted so we enjoyed both. For my recovering plan, in the next 2 weeks Im going to schedule a talk theraphy with a psychotherapist. I think it may help a lot. Thanks in advance.

Totally agree but I do not deny or consider what is "untrue". From my point of view, I wouldn't say untrue, I would say true with lower t or in other words relative truth.