aurum

Integrity does not contradict having a contradictory world view. In fact, I would say the only way to really be in integrity is to have integrated all your contradictions. Then you are “whole” and can operate from integrity, because you are not fighting against yourself. I would say so. “Hippie” usually refers to people who follow their intuition and feelings, crave freedom / low responsibility. Whereas “square” people usually like to have everything known, follow their intellect and crave order. The reality is you need some balance of both. The best way I’ve found to integrate these things is to take each one to it’s extreme, suffer its limitations, and then dial it back out of wisdom. So for instance, maybe you go all in on being “hippie”. Get the harem pants and everything. And that’s great for a while. But then you start to crave depth in your relationships, and realize you can’t have that unless you commit. And commitment infringes on you desire for freedom. So now you’re stuck, and your mind has to resolve this tension. Or the opposite. You go super square for a while, and that works. Your life feels structured, safe. But then find your life lacks excitement and adventure. It’s not fun. Everything is safe but you never take any risks. So again, your mind has to resolve the tension. This is how integration happens in my experience. Don’t be afraid to swing the pendulum hard. Yes you’ll make mistakes, but mistakes ARE the point.

Thank you. Would you say you've broken this pattern? If so, how?

Yeah I can understand that. When I say not to totally dismiss cold approach, I'm imagining one-off scenarios where perhaps a guy is not with his social circle and happens to come across a girl he wants to talk to. Maybe they're at the airport or grocery store or whatever. In that case, if it feels right, I think the guy should still go for it. I wouldn't be super heavy handed about it, keep it friendly, keep it light. But rather than ignoring that intuition in favor of a rule in his head that says "cold approach doesn't work", I'd say do it.

Here is a list of things I've learned from self-reflecting and participating in this thread: - I've put unnecessary pressure on women in the past to have sex quickly. I can remember several situations where a girl would be clearly attracted to me, but just not ready to have sex. And I cut them off immediately. In truth, these were breakthrough moments for me. Prior to that, I had struggled with expressing my needs and drawing boundaries. So this actually felt quite empowering. But looking back I can see that it was still largely immature and reactionary behavior. Not balanced. - I need to focus on building on a proper foundation for a relationship. I've found success in the past with having random hookups, but it almost always ended the exact same way. Either: a) she would never speak to be again afterwards b) she would get totally obsessed with me and clingy PUAs almost always chalk up girls in camp a to "you just didn't fuck her good enough" or "it's a numbers game". They don't really care if girls stick around because they tend to not want them to stick around anyway. For the girls in camp b, you could easily make them your girlfriend. This is true. They are highly emotionally invested in you and would be thrilled if you settled down with them. But the reality with these girls is that it was never enough. I would give, give and give and it felt like pouring into a black hole. They were still clingy and always wanted more of me, more of my time, more of my attention. Drawing a boundary didn't help. Because fundamentally, they probably weren't happy in the relationship and didn't feel like I was meeting their needs. So fuck your boundary. Eventually it would get to a point where I'd be burnt out, frustrated and would end it with them. Now you could say "yeah bro, those girls exist, stay away". But WHY was I attracting those girls? Why was it always one of these two situations? Why have I struggled to attract someone more solid? I think it's because I have not focused on building foundation. All emotional spikes, not much substance. I was still closed off to deeper levels of love and a deeper relationship / commitment, and my resistance attracted their neediness. We perfectly triggered each other. Or they just dropped me entirely. - Social circle is the way to go. I've been writing about the benefits of social circle when it comes to dating for a while now. And for guys who have been "friendzoned" in the past, they're very suspicious of it. But it seems obvious to me that once you have a solid foundation as a man, social circle is clearly superior to the alternative of cold approach. Granted, there may be some occasions where a cold approach is warranted. It's not black or white. But all in all, having a strong social circle is going to be vastly beneficial for meeting your dating needs, no matter what they are. Friends > PUA lines. - It's time to slow down. I've been getting an intuition for a while now that it's really time for me to slow down. Build something real. Let it evolve on its own. And I feel this thread has confirmed those suspicions. I realize for guys who struggle to even get the time of day from a girl, these problems might seem ridiculous. If you've got no girl, a clingy girl or a girl who fucks you and leaves still seems pretty good. And that's fair enough, I've been there. Do what you got to do to learn the dating game, nothing wrong with that. But I can promise you that if you keep growing, these ideas will occur to you. And you may want to reconsider your choices at that point. Grateful for everyone who participated in this thread.

I saw your post. I definitely thought your perspective was one of the more balanced ones in this thread. You're welcome. I've seen that as well. Which then likely drives women away from the forum, further reinforcing the male perspective. In general I'd like to see this place be more balanced.

These "what are women actually attracted to?" threads have exposed some deep bias and misogyny on this forum. Not saying the women here are totally pure and without bias. But let's face it, they're quite out-numbered. And the default tendency of this place seems to be to slip into bro-culture. So for the guys here, pause, breathe and check ya biases. You are generally speaking being given good advice, but many of you are nitpicking and throwing it away. And at the same time, this place is filled with guys who talk about how they struggle with women. A good question to ask: how might this other person's perspective be true? In what ways could they be right?

I think the answer is relatively obvious. If you're white, white supremacy is great! You get political power, slave labor, economic gain, etc. At least for awhile. Until consciousness rises, the truth wins out and all that backfires.

I agree, which is why I feel PUA can serve a role for guys. These are mostly insights I've had coming out of that phase, where I'm challenging whether or not casual hookups is something I really want to continue. Which doesn't mean that phase wasn't necessary.

You are way wiser than I was at 17. I would not have even been contemplating these sorts of things. Just keep following your heart and your intuition. Keep learning and growing. The world tends to change very slowly, but it will change one conscious decision at the time. Don't underestimate the seemingly small and insignificant moments that don't seem world changing. Everything we do matters, even if we can't understand it.

In that case, I would say you're on a good path and to stay the course with what you are doing. Don't jump into a business too fast because it's shiny and seems like it could make you money fast. This time you have where your parents are supporting you is a gift that will not last forever. I'd be spending the vast majority of my time on self-actualization / spiritual work, learning about the world and myself, and experimenting with different creative projects to see what lights me up. And yes, I'd save as much money as I can. "Real life" living can often be way more expensive than we anticipate if you're used to having your bills paid. Starting a business is no joke and can sometimes take millions of dollars just to get off the ground. That's like one round of VC funding. So don't underestimate your startup costs. But also don't get so overwhelmed that it seems impossible and that you'll never be able to afford it, because it's not. You can find ways to do things cheaper. Final thing would be to be careful with what you invest in. Investing should be something you do once you are already relatively financially stable. It is NOT a path to getting rich or funding your first business. Anything that gets you rich from investing is going to be highly risky. And anything that barely moves the needle is going to be safe. If you want to fund your business, I would make sure your income can support it. Bootstrap whatever you can and / or find investors.

@Alfonsoo I've been involved in a couple start ups at this point. Honestly, it's a lot of trial and error and just "winging it". It's tempting to think you can just follow a formula from a book, but in practical it doesn't really work that way. If you share more about your business I can give you more specific advice. But in general, put your product online and start advertising. You can use either social media or paid ads. Build a sales funnel. Track your financials with something like Quickbooks. You can find employees on Indeed or Craigslist if you need that. Get a payroll company. File for either an LLC or or some sort of other business entity and get an EIN to pay your taxes. That's about as broad of advice that I can give. Ready, Fire, Aim is a decent book that might help you. You can also look into start up incubators if you think your business would be a good fit for that. If you need funding, there's websites where you do crowdfunding or get angel investors.

Both genders are self-deceived in thinking that casual sex will ultimately fulfill them. You cannot compare the experience of a casual hookup versus "making love". It's like eating some stale crackers versus a home cooked, freshly made meal. Granted, men may be more willing to eat the crackers than women for various reasons. But most guys are a lot more love-starved than they are sex-starved. Casual sex is a sort of "holding back" of love. What you really want is to shower that person in love and pour everything into them. To give yourself fully over. And for them to do the same.

@SaltyMeatballs It's not easy, the industry isn't exactly filled with high integrity people. I would highly recommend that you find someone who focuses on the bigger picture of self development / becoming an attractive man, rather than just turning you into a PUA robot. Screen their content to see what they're teaching. You don't want to get stuck in PUA too long and you'll have much more overall life satisfaction if you take the right path. I've definitely found a correlation between guys who are a little too good at pick up and being self-destructive. You can maybe learn from those guys, but be careful.

@Milos Uzelac I appreciate what this film is doing by highlighting the ecological dangers of the military. At the same time, anyone who claims to have found they "one true cause" for the ecological crisis is suspect to me. There is no simple, singular, overarching cause to blame. And I am suspicious of narratives that attempt to do so, as they tend to lead to overly simple, half-baked solutions.

Why don't you want her to be a "hoe"?

@StarStruck If you are having good interactions are girls are continually flaking you, then I'd say it's time to start looking for a deeper root cause. I'd suggest to you that your problem is the entire environment / context in which you are meeting these girls. PUA basically turns you into the equivalent of a dating telemarketer, running up to random girl and then trying to close the "deal" in a couple minutes. Even if you are the world's best telemarketer, you are going to get hung up on tons of times. And even the best cold approach PUAs get tons of flakes and rejections. In the PUA community, this is basically addressed by saying "do more approaches bro, it's a number's game bro, try harder bro". But that fails to address that what they're doing isn't actually that effective. I would encourage you instead to start thinking about setting up your life in such a way so that you don't have to be a dating telemarketer. But instead, you can be that person that people naturally gravitate towards. I'm also not telling you to give up cold approach or to quit PUA. I'm just telling you to start looking at the bigger picture. Ask better questions. Instead of asking "how can I cold approach better?", maybe ask "how can I create a situation where people are approaching me?". Or "how can I build deep relationships?". That's going to put you on a much different path.

@Gabith Personally the book was a miss for me. Just didn’t land. But if you’re getting value of it, that’s all that matters. Books can be absolutely life changing for some people and do absolutely nothing for others. It’s all about timing, upbringing, your specific stage of development and the lessons your soul is seeking to learn.

@Striving for more I would cut out whatever “black pill” sources of info you are consuming. Your perspective is not “lining up with the evidence” at all. It’s lining up with cherry picked evidence and confirmation bias, which you don’t see how you’re doing. I would challenge you to find as many examples as you can which refute the statements you just made.

@Consilience Good stuff man. You may have gotten a little nervous towards the end, but overall it sounds like your instincts are solid. I also like how natural this was. Just having fun with your friends, meeting strangers when the opportunity presented itself and engaging the whole group. If this girl was part of your regular social circle, I’d bet you’d be well on your way to something evolving between you two. One critique I’d make would be to work on setting up more definitive plans in the future. Something more concrete than “we should hangout again if you’re ever in my city”. And I wouldn’t necessarily wait until the last moment like that when she’s about to leave. That’s gonna put pressure on you. Also, it feels to me like your ideas about bro-code were really just excuses. It was all good when you were just chatting, but then you knew you had to “do” something and “get” something from her. And your mind likely started pulling excuses, like “bro-code”, in order to keep you safe. Nothing to do about it, just be aware.

@Anon212 Tough call. It doesn’t sound to me like you’re very enthusiastic about the PhD, sounds like it’s mostly just a job for you. And that’s okay, most of us have taken a job at some point we weren’t super passionate about because, hey, we got bills. And you never know where an opportunity like this might lead you in the future. You’re young enough that 5 years doing a PhD will still only put you at 26. And it doesn’t sound like you really have any other tangible plan. At the same time, I obviously hesitate to push you in a direction if you really don’t feel good about it. You’ve ultimately got to follow your intuition. You are the captain of your ship, and part of that power includes the responsibility of making tough choices like this. If you do intend to turn down the PhD, I’d start working out some sort of alternate plan as soon as possible.

@BartekD Lol this guy’s studio was right next to my apartment in Miami. Thought about becoming a member but tbh it seemed to me more like flash than functional training. Although I’m sure far better than being sedentary.

@Raptorsin7 If there is, I haven't found it. Each relationship style could be in alignment for that person or simply a result of following their conditioning. Usually it's a mix of both. There certainly is a bias for monogamy in mainstream culture. Monogamy brought social stability as humanity broke out of communal living and become more individualistic. But if you swim in circles outside the mainstream, like the new-age community, you can find people with a strong bias for polyamory and other "non-traditional" styles of relationships.

No-fap can help some guys but you'd be wise to not get stuck there. If you're avoiding dating / relationships and using PMO as a coping strategy, that's problematic. In that case, no-fap might do very well for you. Also, if you're someone who has been watching porn since you hit puberty and don't know anything else, that is also highly problematic. You need to experience real sexuality, not what has been concocted by the porn industry to make a profit off of you. But someone could also go down the path of using no-fap for sexual repression as Leo pointed out. So there's traps everywhere guys. The key is self-awareness and introspection to understand your situation and what will benefit you.

@Clarity808 You need a partner you are sexually attracted to. Otherwise ya’ll are just really good friends. If this guy isn’t doing it for you, I’d start by letting him know. I understand you may wish he would figure this out on his own, but there’s a good chance he never will unless you communicate. If the situation doesn’t improve after that you’ll have to look at other options.

@charlie cho Saw it when I was a teenager. It definitely brings home a nice message about hard work over genetics. Maybe a bit too simplistic, but still a good message for people looking for success motivation. I definitely remember it firing me up.