SilentTears

Glad everything worked out

nice work getting productive and trying to live a self-fulfilled life. There may be a lot of distractions, however just take it slowly and build positive habits. You should be fine and should notice a change when committed to enjoying your life. Care about how you feel, truly. Anyway, you seem to be doing well, thanks for sharing. Instead of watching Tv try watching some Abraham Hicks. She makes things interesting so you won’t get bored and it will be a positive substitute for TV. Have fun and follow your heart/intuition!

Journal, mood: at peace meditation: none thoughts and feelings: 1) I awoke from my nap with my brain vibrating. I felt so holy. I then did a practice of appreciation and people started coming into my room. I focused on this and literal reality started to morph. It chapped before my eyes. I have never seen reality so perfect and still, yet not still. I knew at that moment this was what I was seeking my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I've been so at peace my mind stops and "this" is so so... so unexplainable. However, this was just on a whole new level. I've gone deeper down the rabbit hole. Edit: I remember watching everything perfectly fall into place. Anything someone said was so alive. A song came on "The house of the rising sun" from my moms phone and I just saw absolute perfection and alinement. This is what the seekers seek in their journey to nothingness. (I just felt like writing these words. I have no belief or attatment however the word just flowed out of me. It felt so "right" to type them. So perfect. So wonderful.) second edit: I realized why I had this knee jerk negative reaction to "this is what the seekers seek in their journey to nothingness" it felt like a pure arrogant statement even though I didn't have that intention. Dillusion, etc. I know nothing. I keep realizing that it goes deeeper and deeper.

I had the impulse to share this with you yesterday, however you are gunna get it “now”. Oh, something I really enjoyed watching was your story part 1. I never got around to watching part 2, however the insight in part one that you shared “All I can give is love” and the content you put it in was really nice to hear.

Thoughts: 1) I really see the connection between me and nighttime. Every night from 11pm-6am or 12am-7am around this time I connect very deeply to something or someone. I get an insane amount of synchronies and my emotions feel so much more! An example of this would be me thinking a thought and the song I’m listening to will answer my question. Like holy. I’ll ask a question and I say “if I see 17 it’s a yes and 14 a no” or I’ll ask a question and I’ll see 17 or 14 and know their meaning intuitively. Im much more vulnerable too. I am open and experience much more emotions in my interactions with people and myself. I love life 2) I love someone very deeply. Romantic love is truly an experience. I love you all. I just hope that everyone is feeling well. I want you all to feel well. I care deeply for all beings. I love you guys so much. Everyone.

Loving your journal. I noticed that on your YouTube channel you got rid of a lot of your content and seem to be more focusing on spirituality. I felt kinda sad since I usually resonated deeply with the stuff you hid. Really loving your work! Proud of you Mandy!

I haven't journaled as I keep getting insights that make me realize that all this has no value. We create value. Another insight was that all this is a distraction from the now. All thoughts, actions... it's all a distraction. Where does all this come from? Who is acting? Who is understanding this? It's also all unconscious. So who says it's unconsisness? I have no idea... just another thought. I think I'm in the trap of thinking. Just be seems to be the solution. oh god! The distractions. I'm addicted to thinking save me! How do you know "this" even exists? Who is believing in it? Some insights cannot be spoken as then you go against everything you just understood. Im stuck in my head trying to understand it. Yet knowing this and not doing anything is another trap. Still speaking is just distracting myself from doing the work. Why do we distract ourselves so much? What am I distracting myself from? mood: I feel realllly good

are you god? How often do you have a thought and get distracted from this? I'm gunna assume a lot. How deep my meditations go is how much monkey mind I get. Sometimes I'll have this radical insights other times I'm lost in thoughts. What effects my meditation is my diet, habits, and my daily life. How are you feeling on a constant basis? Honestly what is it that you truly seek? I personally really enjoyed what @Osaid posted, Solid advice. I strongly recommend "The mind illuminated" as it helped me understand the stages of meditation. It's great for beginners and experienced people. I'm someone who doesn't take psychedelics as well, so my advice may differ from someone who has. Just from my own experiences you can go plenty deep. Thank you, as I'm practicing how to give advice. Feedback on what is helping and what is not would be welcome. Thank you for being open

No, watch Leo's videos on self inquiry. It will give you the information you need to not get lost in all this monkey mind. What is truth for you? You are thinking a lot. What is here when there are no thoughts? The brain is just an idea. It's a thought. You're mental masterbating. Good job. I understand it may seem confusing, however this will pass. Just continue to take this work seriously. If you want answers to your questions then do some work. Do Meditate, self inquiry, any practices that help quite the mind and bring you to "truth". Don't get lost in thoughts. If you are serious about all this then trust me(or don't) about saying you will get answers. p.s no one can tell you the answers you are looking for. We can only point you to what has worked for us.

What do I most need to hear right now? Thank you very much, you are kind to share this with the community

Journal, meditation: 25 min mood: confused and tired (1am) thoughts: 1) There is this knowing when having an experience. It doesn't take thoughts, yet you comprehend to a degree. Then we try to label those knowings with words and fluff. All of this is just a distraction from the experience. Now. I have a question for you. I am seeing how everything is a distraction from this beauty, now, undying moment. Then when I notice this I can't bring myself to do anything. I want things, yet I realize it's all a distraction. I can just be pure love. How do you see this? An example of what I'm trying to say is, I in the past would be talking to my friends then I realize it's all a pointless distraction from "now" this beauty. This is a distraction. Anything and everything is a distraction. Only "now" is. its like there are two sides of me. The devil and angel. Devil = trying to explain, speak, understand, label, prove... etc. I just want to be!

I really liked "The Consciousness trap" I actually experienced this myself not to long ago. I catch myself trying to explain, label (you get it) The unexplainable. Anyway, I really like your energy from your words. Lately I've been able to feel people's energy through words/ text. Lovly journal

All will make sense in time. <-- I say this as a joke and literally. That's if you continue down this path Time is an illusion because past and present are just thoughts from the "now" just like you said. It's a concept we may identify with, however we can never know outside the "now" besides using thoughts. You can never know anything besides the "now", this present moment, Right? I want you to think about this. I'm sure you get this. You can still think about the past and future as they are essential for living a life in this society, however it's good to always know how they are just thoughts. You can only ever live in the "now" anything outside of this we take on blind faith from our thoughts. A great book to read addressing time is "The power of now". Leo addressed this I believe in the video "why brains do not exist", also really look at thoughts. Focus in on them. Don't try and describe or label them. Just become aware of them. Great job asking these questions, it takes openmindedness to do so. One last thing, "I feel like self inquiry would not help" You seem to have created this belief. Notice where this belief comes from. What is it based on? I am saying this not to get you to do self- inquiry, though, I would recommend it. I am saying that for you to notice how we may sometimes create these assumptions for no reason. How much of our life's is created from thoughts? If you ever start to get lost in theory/ thoughts then take some time to meditate or walk in nature. Take it easy and continue to have the openmindeness you posses to grow.

Anything that can ever be said is the devil. <--- this itself is the devil! Even this! It was such a profound insight. Yet the one who wants to speak and even share is the devil! This is the devil. The ultimate devil. It even tricks itself. Since if knows it's the devil it thinks it's a better devil then the other devils. All in the realm of the mind. no thought- pure being = angel once I came to that realization my mind just shut off and I started feeling bliss rise up from my back/stomach. I shared this so I wouldn't forget, but the only one who wants to know is the devil. Fak, this loop. Goodbye, love the devil. P.s I sware I'm not crazy! Don't judge me!

Intellectually I re-realized how everything is just an illusion of thought. This. Then. Journal, meditation: 20 min. 5-15 = love/joy 20 = calm mind 30 equals tranquility the more awareness I have going into the meditation the more I seem to benefit.

MUSIC! Oh the godly music. Music just sends me into such a state. I’ve talked to others when I get all “hyper and loving” and they have thought I was “high”... I am feeling the love in my chest. How can you not love your life when you experience this? Impossible. ... I went on a love rampage(had to channel that energy to I started shadow boxing). mood: I feel like a man. ^^Lately I’ve been channeling this divine masculinity?. I understand why people fist fight or seek the thrill of fighting. Anyway, it feels really good to embody that energy. I tap into this masterpiece called divine masculine love.

Today has been a real awakener. Journal, meditation: 20 min mood: currently it’s peaceful and calm notes: 1) I’ve gotten quite a few ah-ha moments today. I’ve always known about my addiction to distractions, and I’ve had instances where I’ve realized it like now, however it’s still nice to have mindfulness. 2) I was watching Leo’s video “one simple rule for acing life” I realized how I run away from emotionally challenging situations. An example of this is not want to sit down for meditation even though I know how wonderful the benefits are or seeking distraction through video games, books, talking, thinking/ contemplating.. etc 3) I’m listening to a song and truly enjoying it in this present moment. Today, I’ve had a shift in consciousness. I re-reached a state that used to be my baseline quite a while ago(like a year ago) . My whole life seems to change, the way I see the world, literally, from this increase in mindfulness. Im experiencing different emotions, sensations, and thoughts. My mind is much calmer. Awareness notices when a thought comes up. 4) once I stop the cycle of addiction I am noticing how all these new and old addictions/distractions are appearing from no where. What am I being distracted from? This thought seems to send me into a state of “now” and my mind seems to quite itself while I stay present while trying to observe the answer. Addictions: thoughts, ideas(which are thoughts), cravings( porn, music, video games, YouTube,)... basically anything that distracts one from this present moment. By not indulging or at least staying mindful when I do these thing I am increasing my awareness by many folds. Hahaha omg yes, the emotionally challenging things make me so fulfilled. I’m so content and happy with just everything. This is from taking the self actualized path. Leo’s video really opened my eyes. I’m grateful for being guided to that video as well as to have Leo in my life to share such high conscious solutions. Take the emotionally challenging path and omg you won’t even know how much you will grow. You will see improvement like no other. I’m really just ranting here, however it feels really good to indulge in these thought stories. Do you understand how much you can grow? You can just grow infinitely. Truly. You can grow so much that you will be holy. Min gunna cry. I can’t believe it. Whose believing now? Haha . THE BEAUTIFUL REALITY WE LIVE IN! Omg just see it how I see it. Please. You will shed so many tears. I love you. Who loves who? I just love the part of you who is believing that you are a you! I speak as if I know. I know nothing. There is no one to know anything. Seriously, do you know anything? Who knows it? I got so scared and fearful earlier. It’s funny. Truly, I was like “oh shit” my memories of my Awakening came back to be and I experienced it again. The fear of dying. My heart was beating and I was so alone. Hahaha it’s like the final boss. Except to pass the level you gotta die. So, what is awareness?

Journal meditation: 20 min. Yesterday 20 + another session of 30 min mood: Im really enjoy my time here. Grateful. notes: 1) go do the work

Oh hey @Gili Trawangan, I'll be honest. I don't know much about this at all. I've just slightly dabbled in it and got some good results so I wanted to share. I'm not sure how your previous conditions are effecting the energy. I would have to research into that. Who knows? Maybe this is just the universe hinting at something to you from another person. I'm sure the answer will come to you. A lot of times if you just shoot out a question within a day or two you will get your answer from places you never expected. Good luck on your path. If I come up with anything I'll be sure to share. Edit: lol, yeah you can orgasm without ejaculating. Ive had the honors of having the experience hahaha. What I find really interesting and great is that when you don't ejaculate after having an orgasm you feel so alive and full of energy. There are different paths you can take with this. some learn about this for greater pleasure, creativity, knowledge or consciousness. Whatever suits you I would say apply it to that field. Work this in a way that you most benefit.

Abraham Hicks is great! Glad you seem to be enjoying her as much as I do. Really helped me feel good and focus on good feeling thoughts. Thought it was kinda cool and funny to have already watched some of the videos you posted. Nice work

Journal, meditation: 9 min in the morning. Had to go and family came in my room. Mood: joyful notes: 1) had some negative emotions, but some awareness made me see the good and joyful side of things. 2) this pandemic is really making people react from their deepest fears. We self actualizes most likely know how to solve this simple thing(I mean questioning where this fear comes from). I call it simple because it’s beginners work. Not to take away from the value of it all. It’s a process. I see value in doing this and that’s why I stay with this path

This is the first time I’m frustrated in a while. Observing myself and seeing where it comes from. I’m upset because another did not do something the way I wanted it to be done. Of course it’s more nuanced then that. ... Something came up irl so it’s been 30 min. After understanding and contemplating for a few min I started to feel really great again. This is my base level of consciousness. I apologized because I did say some not so nice things in the moment and everything is great. Life’s great. That showed me how if I would have still played in the energy dynamics instead of taking a second to realize all this then I can see how people keep cycles going. ... about an hour later I now realize that my base level of happiness and contentment is very high. I didn’t realize I was this happy all the time. I’m really seeing how everything in my life works out. This was a great way to show me how much I have improved.

I feel this. I've experienced this deeply myself. I think this is what quite a few people on this path go through. I wish you the best no matter which path you chose to take to solve this. Know that I for one unconditionally love you for who you are . Right?! Trying to rationalize these insights always takes my mind for a ride. also, about the whole sexual compulsion thing. Have you ever tried looking into tantra or cultivating the energy? An example would be channeling your sexual energy through visualization, body movement and clenching of the PC muscle to move your Creative energy(sexual energy) to different parts of your body. Heart chakra to experience bliss and ecstasy or third eye for creative insights into your work. I've been informed by some spiritual practitioners on how once they started this they were able to use this energy to actualize their dreams, such as writing books with this energy or creating communities that help benefit mindkind through the use of this energy. P.S seems like some people use all that to have better sex too. So if your into that then have fun

I am the beauty. Haha . What is absolute? Huh, maybe my undying love *wink* hahah I'm in a great mood. I was doing some visualization practices a while ago and then it dawned on me. Like every other day I once again am blown away by this love. Anyway, some things I wanna say: 1) you are unconditionally loved. 2) I am noticing how I seek value, worthiness and how I care about how others judge me. Of course all on an unconscious level. Once I become aware I see I am worthy, valuable and I don't mind if others judge me. It's just shifting to a perspective that better suits my emotional needs

I haven't journaled in a little while. notes: 1) I woke up today with so much love in my heart. I still feel the beauty of the now. I love life so much. I love how I'm able to wake up in so much love. I've figured out that if I just sit there for a few minutes I can tap into so much love. 2) I'm noticing addictions to distractions. T.V, talking to people, video games. When I started actualized.org I let go of my addictions to T.V and video games. I would only ever watch anything if I went to someone's house because that's what most people do or visit my brother. Last week for the first time in a while, I started playing video games for fun. The first time was really joyful, but the fullfillment soon left me. Now I feel strong disires to play. Im seeing how when I drop one addiction that distracts me from the now another one pops up. When I went through my awakening I dropped all addictions for a few weeks. Man, I was the most aware I have ever been. I would often go from extreme bliss to extreme suffering. awareness doesn't = happiness. meditation: 20 min I have changed my meditation to do nothing and I've had great success. Really getting great results.