I am no longer afraid of being a conscious human.
I found myself extremely awkward all the time:
I hardly speak my mind because every one else, billions and counting, are doing just so, I just listen and learn. There even came a point where I thought I was autistic or extremely introverted but I love meeting new people and can hold a conversation for hours on end so, I excuse those explanations.
My boyfriend takes me for aloof because I don't make decisions for myself when it comes to what to do together and I can't get through to him at times how every experience for me regardless of what it is, it is invaluable to me. I have been locked up in my home my whole life, even laying in the grass is a joy to me. I connect to trees and their light with my eyes. I am continually embracing all the stimulants around me, flowers, people, birds, trees, and have something and everything to enjoy every second of it so.
I can seem apathetic at times, but the way I explain this is that I am human. An extremely emotional being for that. The thing is that I have learned to stop the cycle of emotion and realize all my emotions are biological natural response of my brain and I take them as a lesson of how I feel about myself, others and life in total. like I have already expressed, all experience is extremely invaluable of me.
The reason for my confusion has come from the lack of language to explain how I feel at times. English is my second language, I was uprooted from my home and culture at the age of 10 and I lost the ability to express myself in some sense. Taking that further, I haven't been able to explain other lower thinking. I don't like to believe that people are taking life for granted but as I grow ( I am 27 year old child, I for myself know nothing) I am learning about the trap of the ego, and I can't help but feel sorrow for the herd mentality.
I love this life. I am learning to express myself, I've been repressed my whole life. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family and in a religious household so I have been spiritually and mentally limited my whole life. I am thankful for the experience of actualized.org as I found on youtube. They explain exactly the way I feel and I no longer feel lost. I now have the confidence that I am on the right path, a path of light.
Im on my turquoise shit and I am excited to keep growing. I love you all.
My favorite books right now:
Raja-Yoga, Swami Vivekananda
Reflections on the Self, J. Krishnamurti
Tao Te Ching, Laozi
Yi Jing
The Path to Love, Deepak Chopra
The Undiscovered Self, C. G. Jung
Keep in touch,
Miss G.
