tom rAy

Yesterday I woke up late and didn't have any sleep at night mostly because I was composing brand new song. Meditated before going to bed, after 20 hrs of being awake. So I had to meditate through drowsiness loosing my focus to hallucinations and being uncomfortable from time to time.

It happened to me last autumn. One day I was having severe cold or flu with fever and everything. I also was really tired of studying and workouts, depressed and sleep-deprived. I started to have glimpses of that feeling walking a street in the evening. Then I slept longer then usual and when I woke up I felt magical. I have memories of feelings like that from when I was a little kid. And I always wanted to bring it back. I don't think the word feeling is even right for this. I can't find a better word to describe this then mystical. It's like I felt the magical nature of everything around me. Like there was something more, some omnipresent presence behind everything, that you can't quite grasp, something we don't usually see, but I know it from my childhood memories. And I felt unconditional joy and unconditional freedom and full acceptance. It lasted for few hours and never came back since then. Leo have mentioned this "existence feeling magical like when you were a kid" in his videos few times. So this is what I mean. I wish I could feel it more often. Sometimes I experience similar thing in dreams. Recently I was reading A New Earth. And there was that part where Eckhart Tolle says that sometimes people get more present to the moment when they sick because the body isn't putting enough energy into maintaining the ego. So I thought it may resonate with my experience. Have any of you guys ever experienced similar effects of an illness on your state of consciousness? I also thought, maybe there's a way to recreate similar conditions without getting a flu of something? I'm still not sure about the mechanics behind the process.

I usually don't bother to turn some background music on. But the rare times when I do, it really helps to concentrate on the subject and to not get bored and distracted, for long periods of time. I usually play something like Skyrim soundtrack. Most of the pieces from there are calm and long but still epic. And when I play it it makes me feel like Leo is some wise master of a fantasy land and I'm a hero who came to him to learn ancient knowledge that will help me on my journey. Totally makes my mind more engaged.

People don't exist I couldn't sleep last night till it was almost noon. Consumed too much coffee probably. So I was contemplating some things. Was thinking about my negative feelings towards some people closed to me. Then I see that those feelings are towards the images of those people in my mind. And the images are based on their actions and my perceptions. And their actions are not who they are. The actions are molecules stumbled upon each other. And this image is all there is to a personality of any human from someone's perspective. So the person doesn't exist. Which makes me think the same about myself - I don't exist as a person, I'm an image in someones head. I'm also an image in my own head based on, besides other things, images of me in the heads of others. If all people around would be just robots looking and acting exactly like humans what would you do? How is it any different from what is going on? Most of actions and decisions in people's life and the therefore life itself are shaped by false assumptions. But what if false assumptions can be good if they lead to some positive results. Either way it's important to be conscious as much as possible about all assumptions you have to have control over your life. The thing that ruffles me too much is how I seemingly wasted a whole last year of my life, with very little productivity, very little experience and very little joy, with most of the days being all the same, not feeling life. Distracting myself constantly to not feel miserable. And every time I feel like it's getting better I'm soon back to nothing. And the being just feels pointless. But it's my responsibility to drag myself out of this. This day I slept through half of the day, went to gym. Going to meditate before sleep. I spent last 2 days watching the last season of Stranger Things. It was totally awesome. This is how a great modern show should look like for me.

Meditated after breakfast. Starting to see how many false assumptions I've got about how things are supposed to be, shoulds and shouldn'ts, how things work etc. And I see how it creates misery. Like how I feel bad cause I assumed that my life should be different now. But there's literally nothing I should do or should be. I owe nothing to myself or to somebody else. Ain't I putting to much pressure on myself? Worrying about things that don't matter. Worse than that is worrying unconsciously, without knowing that you worry. Friendship is just another social construct. I feel like I'm being attached to this construct like it matters more than it is.

Another not very productive day. Today I felt better but still some apathy and low energy. Woke up from some awesome dreams. Spent half of the day chatting with a friend online and streaming in publicly. Seems to me like it's a good way for improving some conversational skills. Meditated at night. Now I'm listening to classical music cause I've gotten bored of all the other types.

I guess it's detailed visualization transiting into self hypnosis. I have some similar experiences with hypnagogic state. When I visualize things and then the things I just was visualizing become hypnagogic hallucinations (the ones that happen when you are falling asleep). So if you do it lying in bed you can use it to have out of body experience or a lucid dream. Not sure about astral projection though but it shouldn't be very different.

Meditation sometimes feels like exorcising demons. Today I was struck by feelings of apathy and flushes of anger in the evening and night. I didn't have any desire of motivation to do anything, except the desire to hit things and scream. So I engaged in that a bit. And since I couldn't do anything I decided to meditate through those feeling. Had thoughts of desperate actions like crushing and breaking things. Almost cut myself with my own nails when scratched my forehead really hard. After meditation and hitting some walls I had desires to get drunk or watch porn and jerk off, but I didn't act on them, jut was sitting and listening to some music. In half an hour I suddenly felt very high energy and motivated to work and make money. Used this motivation to do some more recording. The high didn't last very long. Was back to apathy later, but it wasn't that bad now. Only had one meal in the morning, and few cups of coffee and tea throughout the day with cookies and some chocolate. Just wasn't able to cook. Last week I was planning to do nofap cause it allows to sleep less, but now I think nofap is bullshit because fapping helps to sleep better and more Today I spent couple of hours recording. I even had to have a break in the afternoon cause my finger got sore cause of playing guitar. But I'm still dealing with the first song of the four planned. Anyway it sounds pretty good.

Today I spent few hours recording and composing songs. The planed 8 hrs were too much for me now, obviously. I went to sauna in the evening to relax this body. I should do it more often. Overheated myself a bit and felt sick. Intensive breathing effectively helped with that. Meditated in the night.

This should've been yesterday entry. Meditation - done Running - done Spent only about 40 minutes recording

Meditation and working out - done, besides that it was lazy day of rest. Today the first week of my journaling has finished. I completed most of my weekly goals. Daily one-hour meditation, 3 workouts in gym, but I busked only 2 times instead of 3 that I planned. Didn't work much on creating. I thing making a goal for a month or a goal for a day is not an efficient way for me now, but making goals of daily and weekly actions, or goals for a week, works better. The journal really helps. I've got more thoughts concerning my goals and moving forward and less thought and feelings about misery and meaningless of my life. And it helps to see some structure and stay accountable. This week felt longer then any week of many weeks before, weirdly. I want to change my plans now to focus more on creating music and other content. So my goals for the next week are: 1. Finish writing and record all the guitar parts for the 4 songs that I'm currently working on 2. For this purpose work at least 8 focused hours a day at least 5 days of the week. With breaks of course. 3. If I'm done with guitars - start recording vocals and other instruments. 4. Learn 2 to 4 more songs and go busking on weekend once. Probably on Saturday. 5. 2 gym workouts and 1 running session Also not doing audio books on the metro, may watch videos instead or better just chill. Everything else on the initial plan stays the same. There are some things that I already started contemplating this week and need to contemplate more: what do I really want now? how do I become more creative? how do I make things I do effortless and resistance-free?

Had some insights and realizations while meditating today. Here they are: Whatever happens to me nothing affects Me. Things affect my thoughts, emotions, feelings, mood, but Me stays unaffected. Whatever I do is done by my thoughts, my feelings, Me has no control over them. Survival is a dance. Life is an ultimate sophisticated dance of different ways to survive and it's purely beautiful A question came up about how do I balance pursuit of consciousness and letting go of everything with daily matters of survival, money etc. And the answer that came up was that I should just let go of this worry of balancing, because my thoughts and my ego will find a way.

Meditated in the morning Learned a new song Went busking in the evening. Earned just enough to eat for a day but still twice more than the last time. It pissed me off when some guy was asking me for some cash seeing the money I earned. Gave him half of what he asked. Feeling tired and getting a feeling that I'm using the wrong strategy to go around my goals, and I should rethink it, and also make the goals themselves clearer at least in a short term. also tried listening to an audio book while in metro as I planned but couldn't hear a thing with the loud noise there. Listened to Leo instead,

Meditation right after waking up - done. Working out in the gym - done. Also recorded some guitar parts. Learned a new song, or rather an old one that I forgot. After starting this journal I see lack of order in my life. And lack of strategy. I have an intention now to change that. I had some cool and crazy dreams today. I want to document the most memorable part. " Winter. After running away from something I was walking by some club with stairs going down. A girl in that club (or it was her friends, can't remember) calls me and asks me to fuck her. I don't mind it. So we go with that girl to her place. On our way we talk about something. Then she says that she doesn't want to have sex with me that much anymore because I'm too cool for her. I say I'm cool with that, you can decide if you want it or not later, we can just hang out, I don't have anything to do anyway. So we get to her place. It was like a dorm room, with few beds. Another girl was leaving there and I said hello to her. When she left the wanting-to-fuck girl says it's bad that she saw us cause she will tell everyone. Then we discussed some girls there while sitting on beds in this room and the scene ended. The next scene started the next night by the enter of the same club. Now I descend in there. The girl was there. And I knew she had a birthday the day before. There was a policeman wearing uniform in the club. So I walked to him and ask him to give a birthday speech. I shouted something to get everyone's attention. Music stopped. The policeman pulled out a piece of paper and gave his speech wishing happy birthday to that girl. I think the girl was happy about it but anyway she and her friends decided to pissed on the policeman. So a few girls knocked him on the floor, then two of them, one of them being having-birthday-wanting-to-fuck cute girl, they stood over him spreading their legs and were about to start pissing on him. I doubted for a second but then I pushed them off the guy saying something like "I've got some honor too", then I thanked the policeman and everyone left happy." Also had a dream where some psycho guy was trying to cut me with a big knife.

Yesterday I let myself slack off a bit. The day before I stayed awake and active for 23 hrs. So I felt low energy and fell asleep 9 hrs after I woke up. Still I meditated the first thing in the morning. And my no-fap is becoming once-every-six-days-fap. I still can't sit still and straight through the whole hour of meditation. I have to move and stretch my limbs and spine from time to time. I consider doing some physical exercises before meditation may help with that. I'll try the next time.

woke up about 1 to 2 a m again, meditated 1 hr, drawn a banner for my busking, went to gym as soon as it opened. Then I continued with cleaning the flat. Almost finished. A friend came over, after hanging out for a while he accompanied me when I went for busking. After 2 hours of performing I earned very little amount of money and couple of subscribers, made some vids also. Plan for tomorrow is to learn a new song and go busking again in the evening and if it's rainy - spend evening recording\ arranging my songs.

Woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep more - decided to meditate. Some drunk untermensches outside were making lots of noise distracting my focus. They probably were the reason I woke up in the first place. But I sit through the hour. Then I heard the rain outside and spent some time watching the skies dawning. In the morning I finally begun cleaning my flat, cause I couldn't sleep. Practiced my repertoire for a few hours. It put me in the flow. Though waking up I felt slightly negative, most part of the day I spent in pretty good state of mind. Few days ago I wasn't even able to cook anything for myself. I decided to stick with nofap for a while, just because it allows me to sleep less.

So I was reading this book by Mantak Chia that I think was called The Multi-Orgasmic Man, about multiple orgasms. I tried doing exercises. Some of them were about moving energy from your balls to your head through the spine. And this is when I first felt like this moving energy is real, first had to imagine it but then it really became physical. Felt crazy weird at first. Now it easily happens, sometimes spontaneously, for example, when I meditate or when I do a breathing exercise, the body just starts violently shaking. Or I can put my body to it just by attention from the mind. Didn't even know what kundalini is back then.