StarStruck

I want to try this. Is it ok to sit at a window and look outside?

Why would Turkish be fitting language?

Last year, before I discovered actualized org, I tried mushrooms for the first time. The first time was a good one. Short after that I tried a second one and that was one of my worst experiences ever so I stopped taking them, until recently. I don’t know what I was expecting. I was completely open minded. I hoped great insights about life but I ended up with my nose in all the suppressed feelings that I apparently have. It revealed neglect from my parents when I was a child, lack of love and absence(I will spare you the details). Today I’m an adult. I don’t need these things like parental love and so on but back in the day I did. It left me big scars. To this day I have always avoided this topic. When I tried to journal about it in the past 10 years it didn’t lead anywhere but the mushrooms gave me such an insight that I just got the whole picture. At the height of the trip I saw my inner demon like a moving picture. It was giant with almost devil like apparent with flames and darkness around it. In summary, not a very fun trip, but it was definitely something more important than fun; it revealed how traumatized the inner child is and that suppressing and not talking about it is the last thing I should do. The weird thing is that I already knew the things I know now but the mushroom trip gave me new insights, made me literally see the inner demon and connect all the dots. Probably if I start addressing my trauma’s and start the healing process, good sized chunk of my other problems will dissolve. This is a major obstacle for enlightenment for me.

@Elisabeth My grand parents / parents are immigrants. They are liberal but even liberal parents can wish their children to have a serious relationship, get married and get children. Perhaps somebody from actualized org who has read spiral dynamics is above this and can see that having kids is not the end all of things but I’m sure big chunk of liberals on the world think having babies is important. Otherwise their breed and their ideology will be extinct in at most three generations. I think I know where you are getting at. I have to look into why I want a girlfriend who I can marry and have kids. And the answer is this: escaping loneliness. To make my parents happy. But if I look deeper into it to see what i want? I want a wife and children one day to share life. We are humans and we have social needs. And social needs aren’t that different than needing food and water.

Thanks a trillion. I never saw it like that. The carrot or whip analogy made me understand everything. Perhaps I should go into therapy about this but I wonder if the therapist would have given the same insights you have given me. Perhaps yes and perhaps no but this is definitely a subject I need to talk about. It is huge obstacle for my enlightenment. I took mushrooms today (first time in a year) and all the suppressed hit me hard. It is weird that I never talked about this or never written about it but actually it is not weird because prior to me taking mushrooms these “issues” didn’t exist. I only got the smell of the issue and that probably made me create this thread. I’m facing a major inner demon which I didn’t know existed and mushrooms made me understand that. In the past I tried to talk about these topics and somehow I don’t continue doing that because the inner demon didn’t reveal himself (now I can actually see the inner demon). If I don’t talk about it I will be stuck in this stage of “enlightenment”(darkness) forever. I mean I’m not 70 or 80 and not married and not have kids but it feels like that. Especially now I’m on mushrooms. I’m 30 so I have enough time to think about major life decisions. It is actually good that I’m becoming aware of it at age 30 instead of age 80. I will definitely take mushrooms once a week from now on. It unleashed so many suppressed emotions. I mean is it weird that I started such a thread when I have many suppressed emotions about it?

I already admitted that this thoughts i have been having are irrational. This thread me asking how to deal with this inner critic. Just ignore the inner critic and plow through? @ExodiaGearCEO

God created out of love. I want that too. And having a family/baby is one of that.

Which kind of magic truffle was this?

While talking to non enlightened people I’m always aware to not say stuff that is way above their head. It is tiresome to explain it and a lot of times they won’t get it. And if they get the insight they are impressed which isn’t good either. I don’t want to look like the crazy scientist. I wonder how other people deal with this situation. As Leo says when you are enlightened you don’t have the need to impress others. For me the solution is watering down my concepts I have in my head so it is digestible for the other person. I’m curious how other people on this forum deal with this. How much do you give away? For me, when at school: my goal is not to enlighten people. I’m there just to fit in but sometimes (like when talking about male/female dynamics) I’m making statements which are too far to grasp for people, and understandably so.

Is Leo still doing coaching?

It is important not to be reactive. If he sees it has an impact he knows that is your weak part and he will continue to manipulate you through the weak part. Also you want your brother to do something. Perhaps you should rethink your strategy and approach so he doesn’t feel cut off. Book recommendation: “Friend or Foe” by Galinsky.

I’m a different person if you sleep less than 7-8 hours. And not in a good way.

The three replies above are very humbling. Totally didn’t see it that I was narcissistic and arrogant. @Salvijus @Salvijus @RendHeaven especially the relevant/irrelevant analogy and trying to learn instead of trying to preach cut it.

Thanks for the heads up. I’m busy with the life purpose course so still very conceptual and I’m excited if this is only the beginning.

I want to start a career in programming and I understand that I should align my purpose with the greater good, not only for my own good, as far as I understand. So I started thinking how I can do that. I don’t know how I want to specialize but I thought about this question: “how can I contribute to the world?” First answer that came up “start making medical apps or something, or any apps that will make the world better”. This sounded so fake to me. I know I just want to program because I think I like programming, and of course I like the money in programming although I know I should love the journey as much as the produce of the journey. Isn’t saying I want to become a life coach, programmer, psychologist or whatever to make the world a better place a pseudo life purpose??? The real purpose, if we don’t kid ourselves, is just to make a living and stay alive. Everything is secondary it feels to me. I’m struggling with Leo’s “competition versus creation” metaphor. He said that he stopped programming because he didn’t want to compete but create (be creative). Isn’t all programming jobs like this? So should I even follow a programming career? I’m asking because I don’t know and soon I have to make an important choice which is my life purpose

Yesterday I had an experience where my intuition(god?) spoke to me I think. I could be wrong. He gave me a real image of what is waiting at the end of the road if I don’t change. This came after the “life is a maze” video and the video about intuition. Perhaps it wasn’t god but just intuition. It felt like I “downloaded” information. I don’t want to share it here because it is private and only concerning my life. It felt like I got “possessed” by dark energy or something. The feeling was only in my body. Not around me. Perhaps it was just intuition. My sub conscious mind doing the calculation. I didn’t ask a question. It just struck me. There were signals I had to follow but the signals were so neutral that it was so easily deniable. It could be coincidence or it couldn’t be coincidence. It felt different than intuition so I tried to have a conversation with it, asking if my planned life course is the right path is the right one and it refused and it got angry, signaling I didn’t understand the process by asking a question. He just told me if you go “this path” you will end up like “this horror scenario”. Not in words by the way. It felt like I had a mental power that I didn’t have before. Over time the feeling faded away. Afterwards I had a crazy dream which I can’t remember. I wished this intuition could have helped me with the question if the life purpose I’m planning is the right path. Did I do something wrong? I know intuition doesn’t work like that but I wished there was a way to have my intuition to give the same clear answer to the question if my planned purpose is the right one instead giving me an insight of what is waiting when I take the wrong path.

The funny thing is that couple of months ago I started a drawing course and one of the first exercises was drawing a fractal. When I start drawing a fractal now (as a drawing exercise) I get so many insights. That is the story behind it.

I will put that book on my to-read list and read it ASAP. I actually already know what you mean with the money trap because I’m busy with Leo’s life purpose course. By the way what about my avatar? ?

@outlandish that was the thought I was having a moment ago. If I become so good at programming that I can earn enough money so money wouldn’t be a first priority; I would effectively move from survival mode to creative mode. The question I have to ask myself is if I have the potential to be very good at programming. Thing is that a career choice is like opening a door you have never been in. You don’t know what is in the dark room. I would be less afraid if I was 20 but I’m 30. I have to be more careful. One makes important life choices in the first 40 years and then follows up his choices the next 40 years. That is how it works because I don’t have endless life and I will be happy if I become 80.

Self help sector is relatively new. It isn’t a dog eat dog world like in other sectors. That is what I’m trying to say.

Thanks for the answer.

That is what I’m thinking too plus you have to compete to get the wage slave job. Option would be to create my own company but then I still have to compete to keep the boat floating, stay alive and keep my future potential family alive. Leo has it easy because he chose a sector which isn’t prone to competition. There is nobody to compete with Leo. Only thing that comes close is RSD (real social dynamics) and that is not even direct competition. If enlightenment becomes mainstream Leo would have to compete with at least 10 other actualized YouTube channels. I want a career in programming but not a company anyway. So I have to compete for the job first and then compete with other companies who are a rival for the company I’m working for. The field of art (like painting) and such seems to me like the only sector in which you can create instead of compete. I could be wrong though. These are my thoughts.

I would like to know which video was about the chimp because I got that insight too when I was on mushrooms.

What is the point of life video struck the cord.

I watched the perception video and how I made myself understand it was by understanding that humans are like a figurative octopus (the ego) holding on to the balloon/bubble (true self). Every ego has to let go one day which will make the bubble dissolve into the environment. Probably an aquarium (with unending waters) is a good metaphor. For me once I became present of the octopus who was leaching on the true self not wanting to let it go, I could remove its tentacles and I experienced what Leo was talking about. At the end the octopus got his hold on the balloon back. To me it is just a temporary experience. Even if it is impossible to have that experience for a long time. I don’t see the point. Now I think about it. I know where I got the octopus analogy from. In the movie the matrix there were sentinels who looked like octopus. These sentinels attacked people who were outside the matrix. Isn’t the ego doing this to these higher thoughts when we try to break out of the illusion/matrix? I don’t know if this metaphor fits but these are my thoughts.