StarStruck

@blankisomeone that is great. That is why I’m choosing IT.

@Dodo how do you mean “overcome”? when one overcomes something it is in the past.

No I haven’t. Well. According to some you shouldn’t do psychedelics because you fear being tortured (like being put in a brazen Roman bull). ?

@The Awakened Viking good point about the being paradigm. Perhaps I was not very clear. LSD is not my first time. My previous dose was about 120 ug. I’m still processing that along with my other backlog (mushrooms and just meditation/contemplation logs). I feel like doing LSD again because it gave me a breakthrough in emotional maturity. You can read my LSD trip log about it on this forum. I’m no way doing LSD again before processing my own backlog. I also don’t care about bragging. Little silly to brag about 250 ug of LSD. I’m somebody who is uptight with emotions and no passion for anything. LSD released some emotion in me that I used to motivate me to meditate/contemplate and so on.

I’m well aware of that that is why I’m trying to solve it now before I got into a deep psychedelic drip that I’m planning. Thus this topic. @Commodent it is well known? Well it is not well known to me but I know it now. I will try what you said in the last paragraph. Thanks for the input. @Leo Gura I’m careful. I’m staying away from DMT, Salvia etc. My wish is to do 200-250 ug of LSD. I think that is not that crazy.

No people in IT on this forum?

@Yog I’m not going to pay when there are free options but thanks.

I never liked that son of a gun. He created a cult like following around him and thinks he is the second coming of Socrates. These comments from him are so forced.

Modafinil Made me very tired.

Death of a famous person reminds the death of one’s one. Most people don’t even care about basketball but they are “shook”. It is just inconvenient thought that we can lose our lives and our loved ones, at any moment. Even civilization could be wiped out at any moment by a cosmic “accident”.

@Serotoninluv very similar history and experience with me. Almost identical. I will definitely try going into the forest. Luckily there is a big forest 10 minutes from where I live. Only downside is that there are a lot of tourists from other parts of the country. Coming face to face with people in the forest is more threatening than coming face to face in urban areas. I don’t want to be on LSD and come face to face with people in the forest. My face is very expressive and I will probably come self critical to myself to try to fit the mold by not appearing to be weird. I didn’t do much therapy. I did talked about the depth of the emotional and physical torture.. once or twice.. and people were just shocked. This gave me some sort of comfort, compression and acknowledgement because back at home this was never given to me. Currently I’m doing trauma release exercises and couple of weeks ago I got into a pain body of my inner child. I felt so angry that I hit somebody for crossing my personal boundaries. Doing things like boxing and so on can help with trauma release too. Since then I felt a lot more wholesome like the inner child that I neglected / gave up on protecting felt some joy. I think working through these problems will be my focus for the coming months. They are a clear obstacle for my enlightenment. I’m well aware that I’m in a half sleep state because I can’t be present in the now, there is always some fear, some unmet need, value scanning or feeling of not being loved / being unworthy. The book power of now is something I keep coming back to. Especially for people with traumatic pasts it offers a lot of value.

Yesterday I was reading my notes and the pattern I was seeing is that I don’t want to lose control. This is not weird since I’m a control freak. I probably got this from a particular family member who was a control freak too. During my last trip I tried to go deeper into this feeling of wanting to have control over everything. I concentrated on the feeling. Letting go of control felt like being overpowered by a masculine force which makes me feel like feminine. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. It almost felt like being raped but obviously not sexual. Previously I took 120 ug or something and I still wasn’t tripping balls. Letting go went great but I still maintained a lot of control. I’m preparing for 200-300ug of LSD very soon. This is going to be overwhelming for sure. Basically this kind of trip is you just sitting there and things are being done to you and you being ok with it. Or am I seeing it wrong? It feels kind of feminine and there is nothing wrong with that.

@Serotoninluv I don’t know your full story so I can’t judge. Probably many things like that happened in your childhood where your parents sub-communicated it is not safe to express your emotions or to be yourself. From the example you gave me I can say that my upbringing was 10x worse. It was both emotional and physical abuse for having the audacity to claim “my place” in the family. They wanted me to be a handbag instead of being person. And when I accepted that faith I still didn’t get peace. I don’t even open this topic to my parents. They don’t remember and I don’t have the need to get something out of it. They just projected their own problems onto me. This is what I realized in my last trip. Unfortunately I can remember abnormally a lot of tiny detail from my childhood, especially the one’s that scarred me. Today they want the best for me but they did **** me up. It could be worse though. I’m lucky that I’m in a first world country. Imagine being that traumatized and being in a third world country. There are a lot of them out there.

@Serotoninluv Talking about calling. I have a very strong calling to do Salvia but no way I’m doing that. Even mushrooms is very heavy for me. I’m just going to play around with LSD for now. I’m trying to be careful because of my past. I think I won’t do the heavy stuff until I get some emotional maturity. For now 200ug of LSD is perfect I think. I have gotten some micro doses under my belt but I need something that will knock me out. By the way I appreciate your feedback. I can resonate with what you said regarding relationships. I think being connected to one’s feelings is important with one’s life purpose too. It is all about emotional maturity. In my family it was not allowed to show emotions so I think, at least for me, it is an old survival mechanism that I need to drop. Can’t have passions without feelings/emotions, right?

This is not going to be the answer you were hoping for but here it is: become enlightened/present in the now and practice it daily.

@Serotoninluv I get what you are saying but that doesn’t make masculine / feminine energy disappear. Usually males and females are attracted when opposite ends of the energy field meet each other. I guess you are trying to say that I should be ok with both. I will have to work on that. Perhaps I’m a little bit autistic which is dominated by masculine energy by nature. Previous to psychedelics I almost didn’t have any emotions. Letting emotions take control is just a hard task for me. I would just rather have full control over it, which I can but the downside is that I feel like a robot without passion/motivation. I dissociated emotions and feelings for a very long time and that caused for a lot of trouble. I will need to look into that because I still don’t know how that works. Nowadays during my meditations I focus on creating a safe environment where it is ok to be swept over by emotions, fears, and so on.

I did this exercise or mental visualization couple of times. I did this during sex and I pretended I was her. I will try to do this more often.

It really depends on your family situation. Looking at the response from your dad, I would just go and take it easy on the trip. Perhaps just stay in the hotel. It is hard to change older people so don’t try it.

@Cykaaaa thanks for the video recommendation. By the way I tried OneNote but I liked Evernote more.

I always try not to put too much on my plate. And especially not to put more on my plate before finishing what is already on it.

I love female beauty too but not in a creepy way.. from how he writes you can clearly smell the creepiness/thristiness. The movie 40 year old virgin is a movie about this topic. Very good movie actually.

You sound you are not very successful with women. From far away honey looks like that.

How you talk to yourself is very important.

@reves you are right but I really want to trip one more time before laying LSD off for a while. I feel like LSD is much more softer and gentler than mushrooms/truffels. I think I didn’t even hit a breakthrough dose. It was too manageable. I have some self sabotaging behavior. A bit of laziness. And lack of oversight over my behavior within the frame work of my life as a whole. LSD helped me with these problems for a part. For now I’m going to integrate my lessons. Over two weeks take 200 ug or maybe a little less than that. After that lay it off at least for a month.

Yesterday I took about 20 ug of LSD. It costed only 7 euro for a full 100 ug patch so I was wary about the quality. Source of the product is well know but still. I did a test. It was ok. First 1,5 hour I didn’t feel anything. Emotions started to kick in. The feelings were about lack of action in my life. I just wanted to start working right there but I felt the wave coming so I put up some happy music to calm myself. The happy music started to irritate me because I wasn’t happy with myself. I put the music out and just started to look at the ceiling. I started to get cold too to the point of shivering. Put myself to bed. I didn’t have any intentions for this trip so I just did some deep meditation breathing. My mind started focusing on my life and started seeing patterns. I started receiving some life advice like creating a safe space in myself for my emotions, some thoughts about how to be a better guy to others and especially my family, about my bad habit of intellectualizing everything, some deep memories way back that I totally forgot about and other similar stuff. I didn’t get a deep trip and that wasn’t expected. At one point it did get uncomfortable but I handled it very well. I was in this state for 5 hours. Afterwards I went to the gym and that was great too. I noticed how my mood was different. I didn’t feel depressed and everything was effortless. Especially social interactions. Some acquaintance even said I had a different vibe. Anyway, all in all it was a pleasant experience. I’m planning to take 130 ug coming weekend or next week.