StarStruck

It is also what vibe you radiate when talking about it but I agree with what you said in general lines. Yea, "Just be honest"... Good luck with that in the real world. Perhaps if you have your business like Leo then you can. At the work place and other social places you are just going to be singled out if you act like that. Compromising on honesty/integrity for privacy is a necessity. I'm probably going to say that I'm going to learn more programming, which is partly true and not a lie.

Amazing thread

Most content on youtube channels are just rehashes of the same stuff. I'm not talking about Actualized org fyi. I still haven't connected the dots so I need to rewatch some stuff. And actualized has a video directory on actualized.org which is easily copied. I'm talking about more easy to grasp content from other youtube channels. Just going to make an excel sheet with url and date I think. It has to be chronological otherwise it is useless.

This thread is a good idea.

Perhaps I will say I found a parttime job because for them to understand my position I will have to open up too much (which makes me uncomfortable). I thought about it and the reason why the awkwardness is there is because there is an elephant in the room and I don’t address it. My wrong assumption was that people wouldn’t go into my private shit but most people get weirded out or engage/ask to find out more about my situation. i have two options: 1. Invent a job that I don’t have. (I don’t like this option since it hurts my integrity) 2. Tell the truth which is that I’m focusing on trauma healing, self development, reading books, doing research, learning programming Second option is just too much information.

@Calcifer I’m using OneNote too.

Rarely came across trolls on this forum. I guess I’m not often here.

I live in a first world country so the likeliness of being tortured is close to nihil. I’m in the process of letting all my fears go and I’m doing a fine job but I’m still not there. A lot of hidden fears are still in my unconscious. When I look to my dreams I still have some nightmares like being stuck in a cave and slowly dying without a way for suicide to save my misery. Or like being stuck in a brazen Roman bull (look it up). I’m planing to do high dose of LSD soon and in the far future some DMT. From what I understand there is the chance of getting stuck in a loop of your deepest fears. How do I deal with such fears? Letting go technique won’t work when you are stuck in a brazen Roman bull.

Does empty stomach make a difference?

That is until your HARD wired survival instinct kicks in. We are all Buddhist monks until we end up in a brazen Roman bull. I get your point but I think it doesn’t apply to me. I’m not afraid of it right now but when being stuck in a torture scenario in my dreams or during a psychedelic trip it is hard to just accept it when the situation is unbearable. @cle103 That is how I developed my fear of torture too. I’m interested in history and there was even a time that I savored the history of torture by doing research. If I can recollect my thought it was like this: “I’m glad that I’m not stuck in a torture scenario. That is why I always must behave. And if people just want to torture me for no reason or false reasons (which happened in history) I must not give them the opportunity and commit suicide before they catch me”. I think you are right that I should dive deep into these thoughts. There might be some underlying reasons why these thoughts pop up. I had a difficult relation with my mother who would scorn me and pick fights with me for no reason. I don’t know if it is linked to that. I have to find out. Having said that I think everybody would fear what we fear. That is besides the point.

@blankisomeone that is great. That is why I’m choosing IT.

@Dodo how do you mean “overcome”? when one overcomes something it is in the past.

No I haven’t. Well. According to some you shouldn’t do psychedelics because you fear being tortured (like being put in a brazen Roman bull). ?

@The Awakened Viking good point about the being paradigm. Perhaps I was not very clear. LSD is not my first time. My previous dose was about 120 ug. I’m still processing that along with my other backlog (mushrooms and just meditation/contemplation logs). I feel like doing LSD again because it gave me a breakthrough in emotional maturity. You can read my LSD trip log about it on this forum. I’m no way doing LSD again before processing my own backlog. I also don’t care about bragging. Little silly to brag about 250 ug of LSD. I’m somebody who is uptight with emotions and no passion for anything. LSD released some emotion in me that I used to motivate me to meditate/contemplate and so on.

I’m well aware of that that is why I’m trying to solve it now before I got into a deep psychedelic drip that I’m planning. Thus this topic. @Commodent it is well known? Well it is not well known to me but I know it now. I will try what you said in the last paragraph. Thanks for the input. @Leo Gura I’m careful. I’m staying away from DMT, Salvia etc. My wish is to do 200-250 ug of LSD. I think that is not that crazy.

No people in IT on this forum?

@Yog I’m not going to pay when there are free options but thanks.

I never liked that son of a gun. He created a cult like following around him and thinks he is the second coming of Socrates. These comments from him are so forced.

Modafinil Made me very tired.

Death of a famous person reminds the death of one’s one. Most people don’t even care about basketball but they are “shook”. It is just inconvenient thought that we can lose our lives and our loved ones, at any moment. Even civilization could be wiped out at any moment by a cosmic “accident”.

@Serotoninluv very similar history and experience with me. Almost identical. I will definitely try going into the forest. Luckily there is a big forest 10 minutes from where I live. Only downside is that there are a lot of tourists from other parts of the country. Coming face to face with people in the forest is more threatening than coming face to face in urban areas. I don’t want to be on LSD and come face to face with people in the forest. My face is very expressive and I will probably come self critical to myself to try to fit the mold by not appearing to be weird. I didn’t do much therapy. I did talked about the depth of the emotional and physical torture.. once or twice.. and people were just shocked. This gave me some sort of comfort, compression and acknowledgement because back at home this was never given to me. Currently I’m doing trauma release exercises and couple of weeks ago I got into a pain body of my inner child. I felt so angry that I hit somebody for crossing my personal boundaries. Doing things like boxing and so on can help with trauma release too. Since then I felt a lot more wholesome like the inner child that I neglected / gave up on protecting felt some joy. I think working through these problems will be my focus for the coming months. They are a clear obstacle for my enlightenment. I’m well aware that I’m in a half sleep state because I can’t be present in the now, there is always some fear, some unmet need, value scanning or feeling of not being loved / being unworthy. The book power of now is something I keep coming back to. Especially for people with traumatic pasts it offers a lot of value.

@Serotoninluv I don’t know your full story so I can’t judge. Probably many things like that happened in your childhood where your parents sub-communicated it is not safe to express your emotions or to be yourself. From the example you gave me I can say that my upbringing was 10x worse. It was both emotional and physical abuse for having the audacity to claim “my place” in the family. They wanted me to be a handbag instead of being person. And when I accepted that faith I still didn’t get peace. I don’t even open this topic to my parents. They don’t remember and I don’t have the need to get something out of it. They just projected their own problems onto me. This is what I realized in my last trip. Unfortunately I can remember abnormally a lot of tiny detail from my childhood, especially the one’s that scarred me. Today they want the best for me but they did **** me up. It could be worse though. I’m lucky that I’m in a first world country. Imagine being that traumatized and being in a third world country. There are a lot of them out there.

@Serotoninluv Talking about calling. I have a very strong calling to do Salvia but no way I’m doing that. Even mushrooms is very heavy for me. I’m just going to play around with LSD for now. I’m trying to be careful because of my past. I think I won’t do the heavy stuff until I get some emotional maturity. For now 200ug of LSD is perfect I think. I have gotten some micro doses under my belt but I need something that will knock me out. By the way I appreciate your feedback. I can resonate with what you said regarding relationships. I think being connected to one’s feelings is important with one’s life purpose too. It is all about emotional maturity. In my family it was not allowed to show emotions so I think, at least for me, it is an old survival mechanism that I need to drop. Can’t have passions without feelings/emotions, right?

This is not going to be the answer you were hoping for but here it is: become enlightened/present in the now and practice it daily.