StarStruck

Don't hold yourself back though. You are what you are. I would just steam ahead 100% and make mistakes. For me it is about expressing myself and yes your heart will be broken but that is what you want. Recently a girl dropped me and it caused a lot of hurt. Without that hurt I wouldn't have the motivation to change/do the work.

@NatureB I was already thinking which topics I should discuss with my psychotherapist. That was what I thought too: especially my dysfunctional family and non-emotionally present mother is the cause of this. I acted as my date was my mother and that she would fix all of the things. I did couple of other ridiculous stuff which I'm too ashamed to type here. How did you use MDMA for trauma healing? I read that book a while back. Agreed. Ok, I think is mistook observing for analyzing.

@neutralempty people always tell me I'm unusual. That is what she told me and I hated it. I just have to accept what I'm though. Hopefully one day I will have a normal dating life. I want to get the experience before I settle down with 1 lady.

I would never have the motivation to go into psychotherapy if she didn't put a hole in my ego. She told me she would have fucked me if I didn't put up the boyfriend frame. The only thing she did was put a flash light on me and I can't be the same person anymore. I'm already a different person for the better or the worst. If I acted as a jerk, just hit it & quit it, I wouldn't have grown. I don't understand why you thank me though.

Thanks for the book recommendation. By the way, when I called her and when we decided to be friends without benefits. She told me exactly what you told me: "you are seeing things that are not there, as harsh as it sounds". I can't remember in which context she meant that but you are spot on because she told me the same thing. I thanked her for the feedback. When I overthink, I usually think about past knowledge/trauma/lessons from the past and try to prevent future failures/pain. I know what I have to do: just surrender to the now. For me that is problematic though. I did try Eckhart Tolle's stuff in the past and it was basically me walking into a mine field with my blinders on.

@tsuki I made an appointment with a psychotherapist and I have a final question about overthinking. A lot of people tell me I'm overthinking. This might be true if you compare me to "normal" people. Probably the reason why I'm bad at certain things is that I'm overthinking and making things more complicated than they are. That is probably why people get shocked when I tell them I find it difficult to make friends and get a gf. They tell me it is very easy. The problem I have though is that when I stop overthinking is that I operate in automatic pilot and I stay in my bubble of comfort. If I do overthink, I might get some insight but these insights won't be very useful because it will be within my current paradigm. I have been contemplating about this and I think I just have to listen to my feelings more but when I do this I get caught up in overthinking very fast. It is so hard for me not to overthink. I have been doing this all my life and I think it is a key trait I have that distinguishes me from other people.

That is a good point. Some people can pull off farting (metaphorically) in public because they just have social intelligence, how and when to do it. And when they do it: it is just self expression. They don't care and are sure of themselves. And also: not all farts are created equally.

From what I researched this is what I understand about honesty: In relationships honesty is not an absolute. There is always a balance between honesty and relevance. For example, if you are at a date with a girl and you have to fart, it is not relevant to say you have to fart, it is not relevant to the context although it would be totally honest if you told her that you have to fart. Basically you shouldn't fart is what I learnt. I called her, and I just told her that I'm an adult and if she doesn't like me she should tell me. We talked like for 40 minutes and I really pushed her to just tell me she doesn't like me. She couldn't. I think she likes me but I got caught in the boyfriend frame. I was too uptight, not playful enough I think. Eventually she said she likes dominant non needy guys. She said I appeared as a guy who is the opposite of dominant (mentally) but I acted as a dominant guy and she found that insincere. That is reason she didn't accept my advances when I escalated for sex. We agreed on being friends, which easily can be upgraded to friends with benefits, but I'm not going to chase her anymore. I told her to call me if she wants to talk/meet up. Big chance she will never call me. I'm easily replaceable for a chad who doesn't have personality problems.

@Thestarguitarist14 @tsuki thanks guys, you guys helped me a lot. I'm starting to feel I'm loping and I don't want waste your guy's time. There is enough advice and info in this topic to keep me busy for at least a week. I caught myself trying to let this thread going so I have somebody to talk to, which would be unfair to you guys. I know I have to focus inwards but I also need somebody to talk to. I have one friend that I know from the gym. We can talk about things but he always connects it to Evangelical Christianity. He is fundamentalist. If I tell him I'm not interested in his religion I'm afraid he will not be my friend anymore. I'm in such a difficult situation. Just doing inward work is not cutting it for me. Yesterday I felt so elevated and today I just lost total perspective on life. So much pain, suffering and disappointment and I'm going to die one day anyway. I feel like you guys are doing your best effort and I'm just not listening because of my roller coaster of emotions.

I got it. Yesterday was my 1 week anniversary for my first date and I feel like I became a new person. I still have aaaa lot of work to do but thanks to advice like this I'm having good faith. My conversations with people are totally different. Feeling the body during conversations is so important so I totally understand what you wrote here. Is it really a matter of choosing what you want to feel? I always thought one doesn't have control over emotions and that emotions are a response to one's thoughts/actions. Neediness has a bad connotation I guess because it looks from the other people's view who perceives my behavior as value sucking. From my perspective being needy is like a baby crying for milk: it is innocence.

Little update: Yesterday I called her. We had a 40 minutes conversation. I pushed her to make a choice; she couldn't say she doesn't like me. She told me she really really likes me but because I acted like a boyfriend he treated me like one, instead of a fuckboy This is the reason why she didn't want to fuck me because she wanted to date me but now she changed her mind and also doesn't want to date me She told me a lot of bullshit like I have no time, uni is starting, I'm moving away to 1 hour drive from you. I told her if you really like me you would date me. You would make time. Eventually she caved in and said she wants an alpha male: 1. somebody who can keep her under his thumb 2. extrovert/non-needy We agreed that we will become friends but she gave signals sex is possible Ok, I will trust you and do the exercises. First I will visualize I'm holding her. Then I will fuck her brains out. Agreed. That is why I can't afford being myself any more. I noticed that I'm sending out signals that I'm low value and that the other person is more worth than me. Previously I didn't even notice this. She helped me out of the slumb and she was the first woman she wanted to date me. Show some empathy. I can't really control my feelings right? I can't help her I like her. I want to use her for my spiritual and social skill growth. You don't even want to know how much I changed within 1 week... thanks to her. If she didn't want to date me, I would still be emotionally stuck

I know bro. Those visualization exercise helped me somewhat. Appreciate it but recently I discovered I just don't want raw sex (although that can be fun). I want somebody who cares about me. She doesn't care about me enough. She told me her uni is starting (which is true) and she is moving away to an 1 hour drive location (which is true). She says she liked me a lot but she doesn't have time because of her work/school schedule. If she liked me enough she would make it work but obviously she doesn't. She is saying the obvious cliche stuff like it is not you it is me. It is all bull because I know she multiple friends with benefits. From what she told me: they are huge jerks and like you said they probably are not needy. What I know for sure: they treat her like crap. Some part of me says I just become like those jerks just to satisfy my inner child but I'm not even smart enough to pull that shit off. I'm just being totally honest here.

I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around that. If I'm just doing what feels good right now, I would never get work done. There is always more fun stuff to do than work. What I get from what you are saying: Avoiding pleasure doesn't mean success all the time There is only the now. Being ok with uncertainty But that doesn't translate to me to something good. I have been following this advice since I know actualized org and it didn't help me. Doing this changed me, for the good or the worse. I already knew this but I never felt anything. Probably stuck in consciousness level apathy. I think this girl ripped a hole in my heart and now I have access to my feelings, which is good. These are gold nuggets right here. I'm taking notes. Ok, I know this but I don't want to scare off my only two friends by acting weird. When talking to strangers, I don't care if they think I'm weird, I'm just not feeling well. Today I had very low self-esteem, I was indecisive, and just awkward. Partly because I'm trying to appear normal and partly because I thought I was gone insane. I'm just back from meeting a friend and I'm ok right now but I find it worrying that I can be stuck in a paradigm in which I think I lost it. By the way this happened after she said she doesn't want to meet up again, which was yesterday. I know what I have to do: just move on but I can't. I'm in connection to my feelings. Thanks for pointing this out. You are being very helpful making these distinctions. Everybody in this topic told me she got repulsed by me because I was needy so my reflect is: stop being needy. Some people even said I should stop acting gay and man up. So you are advising me the opposite or am I misinterpreting?

In the past I indulged in addictions and I felt good in the moment but afterwards I felt shitty. I think it is also important to invest in feeling good on the long term which means making sacrifices in short term pleasure, no? Doing the hard work and following up the advice in this forum makes me feel sick in my stomach. And I hate being honest about it. Yesterday I made an appointment for psychotherapy. Since she said she didn't want to see me again, I have been feeling very uncomfortable during conversations with people. I just feel like I'm trying to value suck from everybody and I'm allround needy/vulnerable. Very smart people don't tend to be super successful all the time. I read a lot of them end up in welfare because they overthink and don't have EQ. I need start believing in myself but sometimes it just feels too much to handle.

I appreciate it. I'm overthinking and at the same time my emotions are just in haywire. It is just my head. I appreciate your support and advice.

It was definitely not unexpected but stubbornly I wanted to work it out. This is a girl with many options so I'm easily replaceable. Her ex was bipolar so I was thinking if a bipolar guy can attract, why can't I? Anyway, I notice I'm over-analysing. I should just accept with didn't match and move on but emotionally I can't. Life is really getting unbearable at this moment and I called the suicide prevention phone number. Not that I was seriously contemplating it but I really needed to talk to somebody. I understand that I have to go inward. I'm still wallowing in my misery at this moment. Perhaps I should push myself to finish taking notes from this topic and get to work. Until this point I only did inquiry and contemplation to foster communication between my various shadow parts.

Hi guys. I will respond to your replies very soon but I wanted to give an update. She just texted me she doesn't want to continue seeing me. She says we don't match and that she will have it busy with her university that is starting. She says it is not me but her. I don't believe it. The fact is that I had a mental break down that evening. It was the first meeting and I was going so fast and not take it slow. It obviously scared her off. Perhaps I'm making this up all in my head but I remember she said that she wanted to be treated as a princes and I made her wash the dishes. It was kind of to tease her but I just didn't make that connection in my head at the time. Perhaps I'm taking one date too serious. Im taking it serious right now. I mean a date with a girl was such a precious thing so probably that is the reason. Obviously I acted as a dick but she said he liked dicks. So I wanted to be one. It was a mistake and I should learn and move on but I beat myself up about it. There are so many emotions running through me that I even might be inclined to say I'm going insane. Being myself means repulsing people. That is why I didn't want to be myself whole my life. I will definitely need to go into therapy very soon.

I don't think that is a good strategy. You really need to address people where they are at. If you are level 700 consciousness and you only accept 700+ consciousness level friends you will have a lonely life. People are not static, perhaps you can meet people with consciousness level 500 and elevate them for example. Sometimes one also doesn't have a choice and it will have to be ok with lesser conscious friends, or perhaps start with low conscious friends and then move up.

It is my paradigm. I'm noticing I'm just lacking a lot of knowledge to understand myself. How did you gain this knowledge? Was there any literature you used or was it all contemplation and inquiry? From this thread I think it becomes obvious that I don't have a good relationship with myself. A lot of people literally told me not to be so harsh on myself. I think you are hitting the nail on the head. This circus-trainer-self might have all the good intentions but it just not working. At this point I'm so confused, there are so many moving parts. I'm thinking that I just have a low IQ. If that is the case I should take that into consideration. I'm a slow learner and big part of that is that I can't / won't keep focus on something, because of my pain body. It is kind of a cycle to keep homeostasis so I stay where I'm at. I see other people who are much less intelligent get things done so I'm doubting right now. It might not be my lack of intelligence why I fail at life. My porn addiction is so bad that I have semi erectile dysfunction because of it. I think this is the reason why I messed up and why I have low confidence with women. I might reconsider porn when I'm healed until then I might use fapping if the urges become really heavy. Ok, with silencing the trainer you obviously mean: acknowledge its needs/purpose and let go of the emotions, right? It is so disorientating to let go of the circus trainer because I just don't better. Yesterday, I tried to let go of control during conversations with people I just met, and my conversations were so much better. I was a totally new person and I was dominating the room with my energy. Suddenly a cute girl entered our conversation, making eye contact and I boom: the rejected child's emotions struck me. Leo's recent video about introspection was very helpful. It wasn't easy to let go but I managed to release/let go a little bit. I think it is a process of reconditioning myself I think. My focus will be on myself for the coming three months but I will try to expose myself to situations: it is a great way to trigger shadow parts. That is what I thought: I should do it out of self-love/happiness. Recently I watched some guru's video and he said you should change to become independent. Independence is also an interesting motivation. I get the second line but I'm not sure if I understand the first line. What do you mean with "you were given your energy to fulfill them!"?

Thank you for clearing up the difference between wanting and needing. Currently I really have a want for emotional satisfaction, being understood and being loved. I'm so confused right now because I'm getting conflicting advice. The starguitarist says I shouldn't be focusing on these things I mentioned right now. He says for the coming 3 months I should focus on myself and not try to get girls. Perhaps I'm just understanding it wrong and it is not conflicting advice. I thought I needed other people to get my emotional needs met but I can do it myself too through journaling, recording myself or something. It doesn't feel so fulfilling though. I think I should just focus on getting the work done and implement the advice I got in this thread. I'm not sure what my motivation should be? I thought about my motivation for changing myself. I'm just having immense suffering right now. I text this girl yesterday and she puts me on read sometimes and I feel so awful. If I played my cards right I would have gotten her but things went as it went and it is hard to accept. Currently working hard to not be attached to her and getting her attention. I feel like a mindless zombie. You guys gave me good advice and I'm still simping for this girl. I really don't have expectations from her but I just want to be one of those guys that she is enthusiastic about, doesn't take for granted and just gives me attention. If I'm honest that is what I REALLY want right now and denying that makes makes my heart go cold. For the last couple of days I have been doing that and I came across these shadow parts: The rejected child: this got triggered during the date and it is still active. The unmet emotional needs are just right in my face and I can't think straight. It is hard to get stuff done because this part of myself is begging for attention. Exhausted self: I tried to change myself for 10+ years and it didn't work out. There is a deep grief and pain for the lost opportunities. Circus trainer: I think I inherited this from my parents. I give myself harsh, non-emotional instructions. Self bullying: I can talk to myself with a very harsh tone because nothing else works (that is the logic of this shadow part). Not that bullying works. Humiliated self: for not having a gf, not being independent, having no control over whether to simp over a loose girl failed self: there is a long list of failures Nerdy know-it-all self: this part exists because I thought I needed to be smart to get gf's and friends I will continue to foster interactions between these parts. Since I have been feeling my feelings, understanding/accepting their needs, and letting go of the emotions, I made some progress. I bonded with my current friend because I just shared what was in my heart. And I made two new friends with whom I vibe very well. These are the points that helped me: I opened up my heart, I let go off my fears, choosing my own emotions instead being reactive, I didn't expect anything, and it is just really a matter of moving your physical body to the other person and vibing with that person. I'm really seeing it is just all in my head. I was making it more difficult than it was. I'm seeing right now how important my emotional needs are. They are really really really important. All of my past failures happened because I rejected them and currently I'm heading towards failure if I don't address them. All of my energy is consumed by my unmet needs and I can't focus on my work.

I work in IT. In terms of my life purpose I haven't fleshed out what specifically I want but it will be in IT. Ok, I made notes of all the advice. It is too much to absorb at once. By the way, I can't find anything on Shamanic tapping, do you mean shamanic breathing?

I get it now how important it is to acknowledge my needs. I neglected my emotional needs for too long. I think it is related to power versus force, no? Up to now I try to force it, obviously it didn't work out for me. By the way, I did a trauma release course a while back called RSD transformations and they were talking about leaning into the feelings, letting the emotions run its course in the body and eventually they will disappear. It is kind of related to what you said here. Only issue I have right now is that I have to force myself to do the work to change myself. I rather just sit down and wallow in my misery. I think this is another shadow part of me. This emotionally starved shadow part has been on the forefront since last friday. What I did is I made some video recording of myself letting this shadow part throw a rant. I didn't ask questions though. It is kind of weird to ask myself questions but I will do it on paper. A while back I read the book "internal family systems therapy". It connects to what you said about inquiry the different shadow parts. The problem for me is that I read all these books, apply the theory couple of times, it doesn't work immediately and I just stop with it. My parents never gave me that feeling when I communicated with them. It kind of makes sense why I'm harsh to myself and communicate like that to myself after years of emotional and physical abuse. Agreed. To make a change I really need to make a leap of faith which boils down to self-confidence and discipline. If I don't make the hours to work on myself I will be stuck another 10 years. I can't really afford that. Porn and masturbation isn't bad for normal people but I was heavily addicted. My erectile dysfunction is still somewhat present. It is the main reason why I felt insecure during that date. I really need to obtain from porn but I still can have sex in my book. During the night she told me "I can't stand all night" several times, I think signalling she wanted sex so I should make a move, she rejected me when I did which I don't understand. I think she just felt I was not sure of myself and I wasn't because of my erectile dysfunction. If anything, this date has given me the motivation to defeat my porn addiction for good.

She literally said during out date night: don't try to figure out everything, just go and get it. I don't know what is wrong with me but I'm analyzing everything and I think I can cure myself that way. Obviously that doesn't work. The truth is I just don't know any better. I'm stuck in that paradigm. I noticed that people who don't do self analysis and just go with the flow get much more things done. I doubt "bad boys" do self analysis. They just go out there and get theirs. What do you mean with the last question? By the way I'm currently doing trauma release meditations by RSD transformations

I appreciate the advice in this topic a lot. I studied Sadh ghuru for a month or so and I'm familiar with seeking within what you seek outside. It is going to sound pathetic but nowadays I'm just walking around looking for a woman who can give me the love that my mother didn't give me. I can imagine that women don't find that attractive. Only a weird woman would accept me on those conditions. I think I need a plan. In this topic a lot of resources were given. I think I will make a program for myself for the coming months and get to work. Not trying to seek for momma's love in the outside world is going to be hard though. I'm not sure if I can quite that voice. In the nofap community they give the same exercise to rewire the brain to normal sex instead sex to a screen. I'm not sure if this exercise is going to be good for my mental health if I use the girl that the OP is about for this exercise. I have been trying my own stuff until now and it didn't work. I'm just wasting my time. Currently I don't have a full time job. I'm working as a freelancer so I have a lot of free time. I think the coming 3+ months will be do or die, because after that I will have to find a full time job and it will be difficult to do self-help. I can't play it safe any more.

This shadow part has taken control of me. I get emotional very fast since last friday. Some woman did some kindness to me and I teared up. I think you are right about me misunderstanding shadow work: I have to become present of it and then not be reactive towards it. I'm half way through a book about shadow work. By the way, I don't know how much my porn addiction is responsible for my current emotional state. I have been fighting my porn addiction for the last 4 months. I caved in many times and that had a big impact on me. Only in the last 1,5 months I'm kind of successful of holding my porn addiction off because I didn't want to have erectile dysfunction when I saw her. Perhaps it is smart I will go into therapy too. I have self limiting beliefs like: I have a low IQ that is why I'm stuck with these problems and can't solve them I will never solve these problems I'm too much broken. Time is going fast. Before I fix my problems I will already be too old. Wow, that is a big insight for me. In my vocabulary "accepting" means clinging onto something. So when my shadow parts appeared I accepted them completely. In my book letting go of shadow parts means rejecting myself because why would I let a part of myself go if I accept it? I still don't understand that part. For example if I stop seeking for a gf, it feels like I'm rejecting my basic human need.