StarStruck

Nothing wrong with the devil.

Disclaimer: I'm not disappointed about me not getting sex, it was more about her rejecting me than the sex. I'm literally the first guy in her life that she agreed to hook up with and not have sex with. That is a huge blow to my ego. So today I met my FWB which whom I had contact for 2 months. It started with FWB but at a certain point she wanted more. To be clear, this was the first time I took a girl out and took her home. I had a huge urge to be honest with her. I'm an incel. I'm 31 years old. Little bit above average looking. 184cm and just sleek looking. We had just a great date. We went drinking and then eating. Nothing was wrong. I could smell sex was possible and then I decided to fuck up my chances for sex. At a certain point I made the decision to be brutally honest. I just told her about my porn addiction. My bad social status/life. And much more. It wasn't even a conscious decision. I just followed my inner "force" and it told me what to do. What did I want? Did I wanted sex? I can get sex from a prostitute. I didn't want to get physically naked. I wanted to get emotionally naked and boy did I. She opened up too and told about her "sex addiction" on tinder and mental problems. I'm an average looking guy so I don't have the luxury of tinder express but we both went emotionally butt naked on each other. She admitted she only dated bad boys. I'm not a bad boy. I'm introvert. I did leave a weird impression by talking about nerdy stuff (that I read from books), and some my demeanour she just could read I'm an incel. I'm bad camouflaging it so that was the biggest reason I just told her everything from being an incel, to being a porn addict, to not being very social. Only thing I didn't tell her that she wasn't my first FWB/gf. This is the point I don't understand: She said she won't have sex with my because she loves me. I will be the first guy with whom she hooked up and didn't have sex with!!!!!!!! Did I do good by practising brutal honesty? Maybe I should played it safe and just gone for sex instead of practising brutal honesty. By practising brutal honesty I discovered that I'm not fooling anybody; I can pull off acting normal guy for couple of hours but eventually my through colors of being an incel shines through Her not giving me sex was a huge blow to my ego. Especially when she said I will be the first guy with whom she is meeting up and not having sex with. She said; this night was a huge success for her because she managed to not sleep with a guy she is attracted to. She wants long term relationship with me. As a guy I didn't understand this. I'm happy for her she made a leap in her inner world but it feels like she is using my as a dumping ground for her trauma's by not having sex with me. At the same time I'm thankful for her for meeting me and driving 120 km to my house and 120 km back to her house. Perhaps she told me she wanted a long term relationship with me (and thus not having sex with me) as an excuse not to have sex with me. I mean she also didn't move towards my advance when I tried to kiss her. I really need some help right now because I'm feeling so bad that she rejected me. I'm really disorientated what to do now. Should I practise being honest? I notice that I lie a lot about my life and even on this forum. I will work on by honest but it is causing a lot of hurt. Where did I go wrong? I think she will meet me again and have sex with me, but it is not even about that for me any more. It is about my ego that has been hurt. At a certain point we had discussion when she said she wouldn't have sex with me. I told her, if I was a bad boy you would fuck me. You only don't want to have sex with me because I showed my sensitive part. Her paradigm was: I don't want to have sex with you because I want to make a leap and not let myself get used. I told her I was happy for her and she broke down in tears (but she still didn't kiss me :s) I'm not making this topic to rant, get angry at her, get angry at myself or getting angry for not having sex. It is not even about sex for me any more. WTF did I do wrong? Was it necessary to go wrong? It is my perspective. I mean she is the first girl I dated so I must be having a weird perspective on dating and I'm not aware of it. I don't really know but the only thing I can do is just expect how it went and learn from it. The advice she gave me was; don't think how to get things; just go and get it. Do you guys agree with her advice? Perhaps there is a lot of truth in what she said. I was just unloading my emotional baggage on her (my incel stuff) and she unloaded hers on me. We were totally honest to each other. It was a MYSTICAL experience. We cried in each other's arms and walked her to her car, and I let her go into the night..

It is so hard. Where does it come from?

Agreed. It is important for everybody with traumatic youth. I remember you recommending psychotherapy to me and it is helping a lot. Thank you for that. Good thing it is paid by my health care.

@Leo Gura do you love Hitler from a god perspective but hate him from a human perspective?

I wonder if his health issues is linked to psychedelic use. He said he had healing powers. It is kind of strange he can't fix his own problems.

He specializes in nerd game. Back in the day he posted infield footage. It works but it is not for everybody.

It died along with his ego.

edit

Don't make spirituality an ego-thing. It is a trap that a lot of people fall into. No therapist needs to understand what you learned on actualized org. She is getting paid to help you with your traumas, and she won't be able to help you if you have a massive spirituality-ego.

If you childhood was messed up like you explained and you didn't get the things you needed, you need to sort that out by somebody professional. This forum and the internet can only do so much. Have you tried therapy?

@Thought Art good to hear that you are working on limiting beliefs. It really has to do with self-image. If there was 17 years of bad conditioning as you say, it is hard to tackle that at your own. You will be running around in circles if you don't raise your consciousness.

@Rilles Fair enough

This book is a real gem: https://www.amazon.com/Black-Butterfly-Invitation-Radical-Aliveness/dp/0890874751

You need to go of self-limiting beliefs. If you are capable of writing such a long text you don't have ADHD. I recommend schematherapy. You need to work on your self-image first before anything, so put everything like spirituality and shit on the backburner for now and concentrate on what is important.

Videos have become less frequent since then. Perhaps his choice to make less videos have to do with something else but that is what I noticed.

Just looking at a graph and making predictions is one of the dumbest things you can do.

For me it is a little apple cider vinegar

Since he started patreon, he stopped making youtube videos.

I feel worthy.

Thanks. I think you are right. There can only be 1 mayor general on the battlefield. I think I ask other people advice who are "on my team", but I give them too much authority and stake in the decision making. Sometimes I even care about the opinions of people who are not even close to me, which is a whole other topic. That is true. I'm working on my superego and inner critic. This inner critic is so subtle that I don't even notice it although I'm poring a lot of energy into with therapy and so on.

You have to find out what works for your body. Not everybody is the same. For me: high volume in greens with good quality meats, and healthy source of fiber.

Sorry, I wasn't clear. I meant in the sense of learning something new, and then constantly thinking, how could I explain this to people in my environment. There is this sense of need for validation.

That is what everybody does, no?