StarStruck

As you can read in my journal, I finally found somebody awesome. A blonde 21 year old. We had an instant date in the park and smoked some cannabis. We had a really good time. She said she wants to see me again but I'm not sure. I'm afraid to be hurt and I'm trying to not be attached to her, which is hard. Her brother is in town so she won't be able to meet up this week but next week she said she was available. I think I'm going to wait for her to make a move but she is very submissive. Just going to wait it out for now. I have to think about the logistics of finding friends. Currently I don't meet a lot of new people. It is no wonder that I don't know anybody. I always blame myself for not being ok but perhaps it is just my lifestyle. I will read your journal. My procrastination is very bad. I don't have trust in myself. That is where I should put all my effort but at the same time: life is going on. I also want to enjoy from the nice things in life like dating hot blondes. Lack of discipline. Being weak.

I need to develop more self-love. Not use girls to fill up my emptiness. It is a recipe for disaster if I do. I caught feelings for the girl I met 2 days ago (see journal entry). And I'm in a process of mindfulness and letting go. It is a painful process. I want to be complete with myself first. I will be using the completion theory by Teal Swan to reach this oneness, wholeness with myself. I still have to read that book though.

It was always a coping mechanism for me to deal with stress. Nowadays it is really a burden. I just relapsed after a 2 month streak. I feel devastated because when I relapse I usually do it 3-5 times back to back and feel totally exhausted. Today I had a bad day and that was the trigger. Too much porn and masturbation is really bad for the nervous system and brain. It takes time to recover from it and it influences concentration, motivation, mental and physical strength. In the last 2 months I solved most of my problems ranging from procrastination, low energy, anxiety, not having courage to approach girls. I think my issue is my super high levels of testosteron. It builds up so much that it seems and exit. The excess energy goes to other areas of my life such as productivity, sport and mental faculties. I really need to stop this shit. I'm limiting myself to sex with a real girl once a week. I don't want to do porn anymore.

Being arrogant is something good. Fuck social conditioning.

I really liked the blonde girl I met. After the instant date we just bonded. It is the day after and I'm constantly thinking about her. This is the advice I needed: In my head space it is so hard to let her go. I need to focus on my LP. I proved to myself that I can get a hot blonde girl to a date. Now I need to focus on myself and my LP. It is not easy to accept I'm chasing the wrong stuff. I'm playing a losing game. It is not easy to change. Today I'm emotionally fucked up.

Integrating red/blue Recently I got the insight about how important spiral dynamics stage red is for pickup. It was thanks to my dreams in which I was a gladiator! Bare with me. Look at these men in the video. Those men in the Roman legions developed balls of steel through all the trails and tribulations they went in life. If they could transfer in time and learn English, do you think they would have approach anxiety? A strong ego is very important, which a person develops at stage red, at stage blue this ability of stage red gets disciplined. To check if you have fully integrated stage red, watch the video below and imagine yourself as a Roman soldier: could you be one if you had to be one? If you can be a man that has fully integrated stage red and blue, you won't have any problems with pickup. In my opinion, Roman Empire is stage red/blue while the Germanic tribes are stage red. You can see the difference: Romans use army traditions, formations, have a system of morality while the Germanic tribes are impulsive, heroic and do things for short term gratification and glitz. Germanic tribes are red. Romans are obviously red + a little blue. My point is that most guys who lack natural pickup skills, lack integration in red and blue. Recently I think I fully integrated red, I'm really fearless, approach anxiety doesn't exist, the only anxiety I have is that I misuse my masculinity to bother girls or to come across as a caveman. A guy who has fully integrated red and lacks blue will come across as a caveman. Coincidentally I found this video with similar insights: great mind thinks alike I guess Summary with my commentary: Ideal man in a brutal world is as follows: a guy like Maximus (a man at the maximum) who has a satisfying combination of the 4 archetypes of Jung One can't be a gentleman without being a man; first you need to be a man before you can be a gentleman; first having a foundation of stage red, before being able to develop stage blue Stage blue(Maximus): sacrificing for higher - transcended - ideals. Corresponds with being paradigm. Having principles and not caring about future outcome. Roman virtues! Stage red(Commodus): manipulating the world and ideals. Sacrificing for wrong and petty things; not sacrificing for principles! Corresponds to doings paradigm. Destroying other people's virtues and destroying people with virtue! Favor of existence spills onto people with integrated stage blue. Men want to be like a man like this. Women want to be with a guy like this. Bad circumstances bring out the character of man! It will test a man's principles! Principles and virtues can die out because of life's hardships, but can also resurrect if fostered or coincidence! People who are in being (from virtues), rather than doing(manipulation), will get favor of life! Commodus lost everything he valued when he died. Maximus gained everything while he died. Roman virtues that Maximus followed :

Man's seed is actually precious. It can create life. Can there be even be more precious than that? Human male body has to work full time to restore the sperm. That is why Hill said that most successful people don't fap. When you don't fap, the body will use the excess nutrients not on sperm but on your body and brain. You actually be smarter and sharper. If you can't relax with cum in your balls you have issues. That is a different story and not related to this topic.

When a wake up because of a bad dream I remember them but when I don't wake up somewhere in the middle or end of my sleep cycle I almost remember nothing. My dreams are highly metaphorical and they help me to understand many things. I would like to record more of them but it is hard to find the sweet spot to wake up. I usually note my dreams on my phone.

Having an audience So I did some approaches today, it was not going good and I was about to stop. I saw a cutie at the bus stop. I decided to approach. She was receptive and we had good flirtation going. I was not conscious of the fact that a middle aged woman was in our vicinity. She heard the whole ordeal. When I found out she had a bf I backed down. I turned around and the middle aged woman was enjoying the spectacle. She was so impressed. Both started showering me with compliments. I walked off stage like an hero. Like a gladiator. XTC of my labor I went to the coffee shop. I was so frustrated. I needed some "medicine"/weed to put me out of my misery. On the entrance I saw cute blonde girl rushing inside the store. I shouted at her "are you old enough"? She didn't even look back at me. Brother with dreadlocks The brother with dreadlocks (the guard at the entrance of the shop) saw my effort. He decided to help me and started talking to me, saying "oh, you like that girl don't you? I told him "she didn't even look at me". The blonde girl heard us talking. I took my order and she took her order. The brother with dreadlocks told me I should talk to her. I said "should I wait her up?". He said "yes". I decided to do that. If he didn't told me I would have walked to home. I started talking to her and it went really good. Instant date: going high in the park We had a good vibe going and she told me we should smoke our blunts together. We were discussing where we should smoke. Her place was not available. I suggested my place. She said "no". I told her that it was up to her. She wanted to go to the park. It was so nice that we had the same vibe going, same past, same energy. I was so drunk of love that I couldn't even think about fucking her. It was therapeutic. To be clear, I 'm not in love and I also do want to fuck her, but I was in a different head space. It was so nice. Thinking about it, I could have introduced some sexual tension. I noticed that I loved the love but I was also afraid of losing it, although there wasn't any evidence of it. It was a surreal moment. I had a very cute blonde 21 year old next to me, giggling and having a good time with me, and there was beautiful nature around, bright sun, light breeze, all kind of birds around us, trees and bushes, there was green everywhere (green = colour of love). The ambience ecstatic. At the end we exchanged numbers. She said she has family coming over next week but the week after that she would be able to meet again. Afterwards we stood up from the bench and we walked in the same direction for a while and parted our ways. Lesson: it is all about connection, all that other is secondary. She kept forgetting my name. I asked her:

So today I rolled the dice couple of times. I did like 5+ approaches. 2 stood out. One was a very cute girl but she had a bf but we had a nice connection. And the second one was a very hot 25 year something hipster chick with stunning eyes in a smart shop (she is an employee there). I want to talk about this chick a little bit more. We talked about LSD and I just told some stories of my trips and I think I portrayed wide range of emotions on my face, more than I would liked too; and we created a very interesting bond. Unfortunately she had a bf, she told me that I didn't ask her, but I just kept talking and said "I would have invited you to be my trip sitter if you didn't have a bf" indicating that I'm not interested in friend zone but in the sex zone. She said they were growing apart indicating she is open to come to my home. Omg, I smelled a chance and I jumped on the opportunity asking her number. I thought I would get her number too but she said I should give her my number and she would call me. We had a little fuss about that and we parted our ways. I hope she calls me to be my "trip sitter" but my experience tells me nothing is going to happen. As I said she works in a smart shop so I can visit her again. In the last part of the conversation I think I ruined my chance. When I asked her number she was very reluctant to say yes, so I picked up my phone out of my pocket and there were couple of moments of silence, I saw her being very fidgety in the corner of my eyes looking for pen and paper. I think it was the silence that ruined the deal? Is it ok to have silences when exchanging numbers? Well, I gave her my number but she didn't give me her number. This happens to me a lot and I was kind of insulted. What should I do when a girl does this to me again?

No. Getting a long term gf right now would retard my development and ruin my momentum. I'm already going weekly therapy. Getting good quality friends is a problem for me. I have never been good with making friends and making close friends is even more difficult. I wouldn't even know how to do that if I wanted. Everybody seems in their own bubble. And when I come across old acquaintances or distant friends, they don't seem to seek closer friendship. Finding a gf is harder than making close friends. At least with girls there is sexual attraction which is a commodity. Yea confidence is so important. It is a make a or break. I still don't understand confidence though. There is so much work to do. Pff. That doesn't give me confidence. If you after years of self-help still have procrastination how do I suppose to solve my problems? Preferably I wouldn't have procrastination like some gifted people but I have to live with it I think. My procrastination is something else though. I can dissociate and just waste days. For example I focused on pickup girls and my LP suffered from that.

@flowboy Interesting. Do you actually strategically plan ahead (in that detail) when trying to be with a girl? That is very smart but I think I already ruined my chances with her when I pushed for a number when she was reluctant to give it to me. I notice that girls are very sensitive. If they sense neediness, it can be over very quick. It is hard to turn that around in my exp. @tatsumaru "I know what desperation is trust me, you have to let it go, your life isn't about getting laid, and if you think it is you will be extremely disappointed and underwhelmed if you manage to attract some desperate gal." I wouldn't know how to do that. I definitely can suppress the feeling of wanting a girl or wanting sex but I would just push it into my shadow.

I still have to learn about Kriya Yoga. There is so much to do.

From the thread below: "This reeks of desperation. "Every lead counts" = "No lead converts". You need to realize that you don't fix yourself by getting the girls. You get the girls by fixing yourself. Seeking external validation is a downward spiral which ends in hell. Check out a book called "The way of the superior man" by David Deida. I know what desperation is trust me, you have to let it go, your life isn't about getting laid, and if you think it is you will be extremely disappointed and underwhelmed if you manage to attract some desperate gal. Start by accepting that it's okay to never get laid in life (again) and trace your way back to sanity. Focus on what your life purpose is and everything else will fall into place. Right now you are just a beggar who begs girls for a free pass. You might not be doing it explicitly but implicitly that's what you are expressing. Is it attractive to you when a girl is desperate and needy? Even though looks matter, no amount of looks can compensate for not having uncovered your purpose in life." @tatsumaru that is so true. I still have to read that book. Just being whole with myself and not needing a girl is hard to do. I don't know how to. I can suppress the feeling but the feeling will be there in my shadow. I think I have to do some integration work. Still trying to figure out how this shit works.

It has to do with dopamine. You burn all your dopamine receptors by watching porn and after that you feel exactly like you describe. If you want to fap, fap without porn. I don't think it is a physical problem but a problem in the brain. The brain is the ignition and you don't only use ignition for sex and masturbation but for all kinds of things to get stuff done.

@flowboy Few years? I kind of wished I would solve my lack of relationships this year. You say you got confident and developed. Did those qualities spill over to other areas of your life? Because I have some procrastination problems and those bug me too.

How did you do it? I keep relapsing.

Thank you man, what do you think about my last post?

Blondie in the gym I'm back from the gym. I got eye contact with a nice blonde (with a slight smile) with nice rounded body. Actually I didn't even want to approach. Coincidently we started talking when we were near each other. I still find it very hard to read if a girl is sexually interested. We talked about a lot of topics, for about 15 minutes. I didn't ask her number because I thought I would see her another time and because I'm trying to tone down my neediness. Sadness & 2 lesbians At the way back home, I got into two separate conversations. A lot of girls are so nice to me since I'm approaching more from the heart rather than the ego. The problem is that girls start seeing me as a poodle instead of a tiger or something. Coincidently both of these two seperate approaches turned out to be lesbian. What are the chances? I didn't believe the second one so she showed her facebook. It is true. Also one told me why I look sad. I was not aware that I looked sad. I noticed that I was really sad... Sadness was poring out of my pores. It didn't even have to do with girls. I'm projecting my sadness onto girls. I was sad in general. Sad about life. If I hadn't done PUA, I would never become so aware of my sadness. PUA forced me to loosen up and guess what? That entails more movement of emotion within my system. I'm so thankful to these two lesbians. I could really open up and I didn't like opening up. I felt so vulnerable. I didn't share anything personal with these two girls. With opening up I meant on an energetic level opening up. Game is about self-development and triggering myself I really need to transcend this general sadness. I would link it to grief which is level 75 on the consciousness level of Dawkins. How to cope with grief? The Nine Stages of Grief Hope —Tormented Hope Anxiety —Anguished Apprehension Depression —Angst-Ridden Sadness Denial —Confused Rejection Pain and Guilt ­—Agonizing Self-Blame Anger and Bargaining —Bitter Resentment Acceptance —Practical Relief Depression —Second Round of Sadness Reverie and Revival —Renaissance I was stuck between denial and pain and guilt. Currently I really feel the sadness about my life in general and I'm just trying to stay with the feeling, trying to sooth myself. I will respect my own pace with acceptance and letting go. Summary So I had a real nice conversation and flirtation with the blondie from the gym. I'm happy with the result. I was trying really hard to let go and NOT be needy, not asking her number, just for shits and giggles. Hoping she would ask my number. That didn't happen. But for me it is more about learning and letting go of my neediness. This is the inner jihad. Those two separate conversations with the lesbians were nice too. A lot of friendly flirtation. It felt so therapeutic. I didn't like just relaxing and being. Because being myself caused my sadness to poor out.

Sometimes game is hard. That is why it is so good. It is comparable to weight lighting. Some people lifts weights all their life so when they go to the gym they will have a easy time. Others will have a hard time because of past laziness. Game is not - only - about Money Looks Age IQ Status Communication skills Being funny It is a combination of these things. If you have a good combo of these things there will be girls interested in you but at the same time thirsting is a no go. It is an abundance killer.

Depending on money to get girls is such a pathetic way of getting girls. You literally can be a flat slob and you can find girls who will want to be with you because of your wealth. Most girls will want to be with such a guy for his money. No money and gone she will be! Getting sex through this way is also not practical. Girl will not put out because she doesn't want to be pumped and dumped. She is there for the money. She will let the rich guy pay a big prize because she wants the guy for the long term while the same girl might put out the first night for a poor sexy guy who is good with game.

Giving context during opening is important. I forget doing this.

Haha, she was almost right. I know but it is choosing between two evils. The Subway bread is clean, the veggies too, the chicken might be shady but it is actual chicken, not some weird processed snot like in chicken nuggets.

I never go to Mcdonalds but two weeks ago I wanted to try the nuggets for old times sake. I went there in my childhood a lot. They aren't that bad. It is definitely not satisfying. Just empty carbs. There is like 10% chicken in a nugget. If I really want something on the go I'm going to subway. You actually get real chicken and fresh veggies.

I came across this video The guy gives horrible advice to this 25 year old virgin. It is interesting to watch noobies. There are a lot of lessons in here: Notice how the guy is doing, doing, doing, pushing, pushing, pushing. He doesn't give the opportunity to the lady to invest back in the conversation. This goes back to doing versus being. Something I talked about in my journal so I won't repeat it. This guy needs to meditate. He is way in his head. The guy who is trying to help him gives him surface level advice about what he should say. He doesn't understand the guy's problem. If they did some pranayamas together and told him to let fucking go, have outcome independence, just enjoy and just chill the fuck out, he would perform much better Notice how girls are either weirded out. Being weird about talking to a girl is as weird as being weird about giving people handshakes. Some girls are being nice but that is out of kindness. There is no emotional connection being developed. The guy is shut off from his body. He is in his head. If he was in touch with his body and felt emotions, the girl would feel safe and feel emotions too and and emotional connection would start to develop. Again: girls love a guy who can express emotions, this is one of the most important lessons I learned. Just talk about your emotions. Talk about how awful the coffee was you had this morning by sharing your emotional experience. It is really that simple but the need guys are way too much in their heads. This dude needs to be more in touch with his emotions and just say what he wants. Letting go of control and just having trust in the process. I do get why he doesn't have these things. He explains it in the beginning of the video. If I were to coach this guy I would fix his problems in this order: Developing trust in himself, abundance mindset Letting become aware of his emotions and letting go of these emotions so he can fucking relax Letting go of control aka have outcome independence